Hello blog, it has been over a month since I posted last.
...Well...
What an amazing time to be alive.
COVID-19 and all that it has done. Slowed down the world. Going to reset the financial system. It'll prompt an evolution in consciousness and completely change our lives.
Just to name a few of the things that I am thankful for.
... I'm coming off of listening to a live broadcast from David Wilcock (David Wilcock on the Great Pandemic, Part IV) and... I cried.
Cried because during the meditation I caught a glimpse of heaven. Of perfection. Of beauty and strength and glory.
Before this meditation I had my notebook and was scribbling stuff about decalcifying the pineal gland. I wanted to know as much as I could about this because I've experienced an "unlocking" or unblocking of my pineal gland a few times before and... I wanted it again. I wanted to keep it permanent. Not fade away like it did in the past. To see such love and beauty in the world for but days or weeks or hours only to return to darkness and despair.
David Wilcock is not who I expected to be making a difference in my life right now. I never did think he would be the man I most look up to and need at this moment. I've known about him for years and... really.. I could not have seen this coming.
Read his books. Watched him on Ancient Aliens... kind of shook my head at his "I am the reincarnation of Edgar Cayce" proclamation and... really just took it all with a huge grain of salt. I mean.. that's kind of how I am. I treat information as innocent until proven guilty. I sometimes need a strong amount of evidence to validate a certain narrative and David mainly came in with anecdotal evidence to back up some of his more outlandish claims. So... it kind of made me more skeptical than I needed to be.
No longer. I am hanging onto his every word now.
Again... that meditation was beautiful. His wife Elizabeth was on these singing bowls and... I really like David's voice and style. I've never... liked guided meditation. Ever. Never found a voice that I enjoyed listening to or didn't have to strain to understand.
But him and his wife were perfect. In fact... his wife sounds and seems a lot like Fola...
Speaking of which... we're ... broken up now I guess. I hit the limits of my patience. I could not... stand her antagonism and ... her obvious pride at being a destructive and chaotic force.
She read some of my blog during the last day we were together. Sitting at my table for a few hours... in silence and... uncertainty about where to go next.
In my blog I called her an agent of chaos. The next day on Facebook she posted about how proud she was to be called an agent of chaos.
Yeah... we're not going to work.
I want harmony and love and peace and respect and understanding and compassion.
Not fucking chaos.
The last time she was here with her daughter and sister, she... tried to goad me into having an argument right there in front of every one. Was just pressuring me to blurt out the negative thoughts I was keeping. Didn't want to respect my wishes when I told her that we'd discuss it later.
"No David, tell me what's wrong! Tell me now! Tell me tell me tell me!"
Such a lack of self-awareness. I swear... Her level of ignorance is unreal.
And as I mentioned many times before... my definition of evil is that of willful ignorance.
And evil... well... evil means not to be in alignment with Truth.
Desiring NOT to be in alignment, that is.
Lately... I've been having a lot of realizations. I now understand why I have been seeing 33 all over the place this year. I now understand who Fola actually is and what her allegiance is towards. I understand her mission, I understand her purpose and I understand her struggle and ignorance and confusion and fear and hatred...
Though she doesn't exhibit it publicly or even privately most of the time, it's there. And it's a mess.
Her wanting to join the OTO was a dead giveaway. My... fuck... my opinion didn't mean a thing to her. I did NOT want her to join. I showed her information about how members were about orgies and sex magic and women drinking semen and blood and laying naked on altars and... Crowley saying how children should be corrupted and... how you have to do whatever they tell you to do under oath which involves the greatest of spiritual consequences to one's soul...
None of it made any difference to her. Didn't matter how many links I sent her or how angry I got.
Here's a copy of the OTO contract. You going to sign onto this? And I send her a link to the contract which basically comes down to giving them permission to do whatever they want with you. Even if it results in injury or death.
She didn't want to listen to me so... days later she consulted with her shaman teacher and then decided to cancel her application.
Fucking idiot. I'm sorry... yeah... that's the woman I love and I do not like to call anyone an idiot but...
She's an idiot.
The fact that she is so worried about someone abusing her child that she can't trust the father of her own child is ... so fucking hypocritical when actually putting in an application to join the OTO.
So fucking hypocritical.
But... I'm not going to get mad about this anymore. We're done. I told her she still has to break up with me because I have tried it enough times before without any success. I am not going to leave this relationship until she lets me.
Even if it means that I won't see her again.
I don't care. We simply can't co-exist. We don't get along.
She's right. We are a shitty team.
I'm thinking about how I asked her to help me move a couch from upstairs to the basement. Halfway through she drops the couch and starts talking about how much of a shitty team we are while I am getting more and more frustrated with her inability to cooperate and get a task done.
Five minutes and the couch could have been in the basement. Mission accomplished. But no... she wants to drop it on the floor and tell me what a shitty team we are and, oh! What should we do about that David?
Yeah. She can go her own way. I'll go mine.
I know who my true love is.
She's on the other side of the border.
I've known who she is for over ten years now... more.. 15 I think...
I know who I am now.
Although I don't quite know what my purpose is yet.
But I do know that I am being listened to.
And helped.
My prayers are being answered.
After all these years of suffering and heartache and confusion and longing.
Wishing and hoping and dreaming and wondering.
Wondering when is it all ever going to make sense? Why is the world so fucked up? Why can't I find a good woman to be with and start a family with?
These questions are being answered.
The only thing I wish I could experience more... is... a greater connection. That is why I am looking into taking this pineal gland decalcification stuff seriously.
In the past, drinking purified/mineralized water made a huge difference to me.
So did fasting.
Now I'm going to be taking it seriously and see what happens. I'll have to adjust my diet as well because I'm 200lbs. Even my mother who always laughed at me saying that I'm on a diet is actually even supporting my idea of being on a diet due to her seeing my weight on the scale.
...Well... I don't need to write much. I think... I realize now that...
Hmm. I don't even need to say what I realize.
This blog already achieved it's purpose.
Now that I am seeing things more clearly.
I don't know if it is my mission to write a book.
But...
Maybe.
We'll see.
Right now my mission is to live.
To live and... evolve.
To grow into who I am most meant to become.
To peel off the layers...
And...
Rise.
...
This blog...
Thank you. Thank you...
Thank you for being here. Thank you for my family. Thank you for covid-19.
Thank you God.
Thank you Trump.
Thank you Fola.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you to all.
May I find the love I deserve.
And honour you all by it.
Wednesday, April 01, 2020
Wednesday, February 26, 2020
The Road to Evolution is Long
It's been five days since I've received my new hearing aids. Phonak Audeo Marvels and...
The road to evolution is long.
First of all, this was a big step for me and hearing aids are something I should have gotten years ago. But... These ones are hard getting used to wearing. Mainly because of AutoSense 3.0 which is this program inside of them that automatically adjusts to whatever listening environment you're in. For instance, walk inside of a noisy restaurant and these hearing aids will mute sound around you so you can focus on the person speaking. Sounds great in theory but really, I dislike how I'm constantly having to hear these fades and mutes and changes in my hearing second by second, minute by minute.
And really... Why is it that I can hear someone talking across the street but when I am speaking with a cashier, their voice sounds muted and I have to strain to understand what they are saying?
AutoSense 3.0 is the default setting of these aids. I can't turn it "off". Best I can do is load up a custom program with as few bells and whistles enabled but even that is not a good solution. Mainly because the Phonak app simply reverts to AutoSense when the app is closed or the hearing aids disconnect from bluetooth which does happen regularly enough.
It's frustrating. So was getting fitted for these. Karen, my audiologist, seemed to have rushed me out the door without verifying the settings. No hearing test, no real-ear measures, just "how does it sound? good? great." while sitting across from me in relative silence. That doesn't sound like a professional fitting to me.
Well... what do I think of these hearing aids in general? They're interesting. Yes, some sounds are crisp and clear and I really like the bluetooth streaming from the TV but... talking to someone on the phone with these often results in poor audio for the caller as these hearing aids are picking up background noises and produces an echo effect. Not good. I tried disconnecting from them when sound quality was poor and placed the phone to my ear. That didn't work well either, as I couldn't hear what the caller was saying with a phone up against my hearing aid. Strange. So I had to pull the entire HA out just to have a phone conversation.
That's not good.
And the mild plugged up feeling I'm having isn't great either. There's a bit of an occlusion effect and it feels a lot like I'm going around with fingers in my ears. It's really obvious whenever I am talking or eating food.
Not good either.
I wish I could report that these aids make a huge difference but so far... they've been underwhelming.
I thought it would be harder to adjust to wearing them out in public, but I was surprised at how comfortable they are and how little I cared about what people think. That used to be such a barrier for me in getting them in the first place. I didn't want to be perceived as "different" from everyone else.
But really... these hearing aids are so small that they can hardly be seen. And... that helps with self-image a lot.
Yet... my confidence hasn't improved wearing them. On Saturday I nearly felt brought to tears after listening to them fade in and out with AutoSense making constant adjustments and I couldn't hear my own mother next to me because there was a bit of wind outside and the HA dampened everything around me.
I thought it was amazing that I could hear the turn signal on my car making a racket, but rolling down the window while driving changes the overall sound and I hear a muted environment.
Watching TV with them on and Fola next to me... geez.. I can't hear her very well if I'm looking directly at the screen. I have to face her just so the hearing aids "kick in" and mute background noises. It's frustrating and disconcerting to be at the mercy of some "intelligent" algorithm that dictates what it "thinks" you need to be listening to when really, I just want a constant, stable listening experience so I can forget that I am even wearing hearing aids.
Anyways...
That said... I feel frustrated and... distant lately. I'm... still unemployed and uncertain of my future and what concerns me is that I am not taking life very seriously. I... know I need money... to find a better career than insulating... to work on my resume, to make progress to have hope.... and... I just don't care it seems. I don't... feel optimistic about my future...
I feel depressed.
My own girlfriend doesn't help with any of this. She does in small ways, but not in the most meaningful of ones.
I feel like my life has been hijacked by her own. She's doing this expo soon and is asking me for help with various things.
... I don't know blog... I feel like my identity has crumbled.
And... though I said I feel depressed, honestly... I feel more defeated than depressed. More ignorant and oblivious than emotionally in tune with who I am.
I think... this distance... this apathy is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness.
I try... and it feels like I fail. Getting hearing aids wasn't the huge transformation I hoped it would be. I thought it would completely change who I am and bring my personality back. Bring back home and optimism and confidence...
But... these things are still eroded.
And my reaction is to not... get all emotional about it.
Maybe I should cry... maybe I should laugh... but I'm in the middle somewhere.
All these things in the world are scaring me. The future scares me.
And... I can't keep on being scared.
If I can't be more optimistic, then I'll just... disconnect.
From myself and the world around me.
So yes... I need to reclaim myself. I feel... What I miss most is that feeling of connectedness. To myself, to others around me, to... life in general.
I find that I am caring less and less about the circumstances I'm in and that's not good.
I said in an earlier post that it was God's turn to show me the path to take. I'm seeing paths but not enough signs encouraging enough to convince myself with. Like... World Financial Group seems to be an option for a career, yet... I don't know how much of a struggle that would be. I'm concerned about the level of ambition and motivation required. I'm concerned about exactly what I will need to do in order to become successful while doing it. I need to keep looking into it before I commit.
But... I'm... not looking forward to integrating myself in with the world with these hearing aids. Given that they are acting as they do.
Thanks AutoSense 3.0. You've really dampened my enthusiasm for wearing them.
... Well.
Life goes on.
And I need to stop being still.
Your turn God.
I've gotten the hearing aids.
Now what?
The road to evolution is long.
First of all, this was a big step for me and hearing aids are something I should have gotten years ago. But... These ones are hard getting used to wearing. Mainly because of AutoSense 3.0 which is this program inside of them that automatically adjusts to whatever listening environment you're in. For instance, walk inside of a noisy restaurant and these hearing aids will mute sound around you so you can focus on the person speaking. Sounds great in theory but really, I dislike how I'm constantly having to hear these fades and mutes and changes in my hearing second by second, minute by minute.
And really... Why is it that I can hear someone talking across the street but when I am speaking with a cashier, their voice sounds muted and I have to strain to understand what they are saying?
AutoSense 3.0 is the default setting of these aids. I can't turn it "off". Best I can do is load up a custom program with as few bells and whistles enabled but even that is not a good solution. Mainly because the Phonak app simply reverts to AutoSense when the app is closed or the hearing aids disconnect from bluetooth which does happen regularly enough.
It's frustrating. So was getting fitted for these. Karen, my audiologist, seemed to have rushed me out the door without verifying the settings. No hearing test, no real-ear measures, just "how does it sound? good? great." while sitting across from me in relative silence. That doesn't sound like a professional fitting to me.
Well... what do I think of these hearing aids in general? They're interesting. Yes, some sounds are crisp and clear and I really like the bluetooth streaming from the TV but... talking to someone on the phone with these often results in poor audio for the caller as these hearing aids are picking up background noises and produces an echo effect. Not good. I tried disconnecting from them when sound quality was poor and placed the phone to my ear. That didn't work well either, as I couldn't hear what the caller was saying with a phone up against my hearing aid. Strange. So I had to pull the entire HA out just to have a phone conversation.
That's not good.
And the mild plugged up feeling I'm having isn't great either. There's a bit of an occlusion effect and it feels a lot like I'm going around with fingers in my ears. It's really obvious whenever I am talking or eating food.
Not good either.
I wish I could report that these aids make a huge difference but so far... they've been underwhelming.
I thought it would be harder to adjust to wearing them out in public, but I was surprised at how comfortable they are and how little I cared about what people think. That used to be such a barrier for me in getting them in the first place. I didn't want to be perceived as "different" from everyone else.
But really... these hearing aids are so small that they can hardly be seen. And... that helps with self-image a lot.
Yet... my confidence hasn't improved wearing them. On Saturday I nearly felt brought to tears after listening to them fade in and out with AutoSense making constant adjustments and I couldn't hear my own mother next to me because there was a bit of wind outside and the HA dampened everything around me.
I thought it was amazing that I could hear the turn signal on my car making a racket, but rolling down the window while driving changes the overall sound and I hear a muted environment.
Watching TV with them on and Fola next to me... geez.. I can't hear her very well if I'm looking directly at the screen. I have to face her just so the hearing aids "kick in" and mute background noises. It's frustrating and disconcerting to be at the mercy of some "intelligent" algorithm that dictates what it "thinks" you need to be listening to when really, I just want a constant, stable listening experience so I can forget that I am even wearing hearing aids.
Anyways...
That said... I feel frustrated and... distant lately. I'm... still unemployed and uncertain of my future and what concerns me is that I am not taking life very seriously. I... know I need money... to find a better career than insulating... to work on my resume, to make progress to have hope.... and... I just don't care it seems. I don't... feel optimistic about my future...
I feel depressed.
My own girlfriend doesn't help with any of this. She does in small ways, but not in the most meaningful of ones.
I feel like my life has been hijacked by her own. She's doing this expo soon and is asking me for help with various things.
... I don't know blog... I feel like my identity has crumbled.
And... though I said I feel depressed, honestly... I feel more defeated than depressed. More ignorant and oblivious than emotionally in tune with who I am.
I think... this distance... this apathy is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness.
I try... and it feels like I fail. Getting hearing aids wasn't the huge transformation I hoped it would be. I thought it would completely change who I am and bring my personality back. Bring back home and optimism and confidence...
But... these things are still eroded.
And my reaction is to not... get all emotional about it.
Maybe I should cry... maybe I should laugh... but I'm in the middle somewhere.
All these things in the world are scaring me. The future scares me.
And... I can't keep on being scared.
If I can't be more optimistic, then I'll just... disconnect.
From myself and the world around me.
So yes... I need to reclaim myself. I feel... What I miss most is that feeling of connectedness. To myself, to others around me, to... life in general.
I find that I am caring less and less about the circumstances I'm in and that's not good.
I said in an earlier post that it was God's turn to show me the path to take. I'm seeing paths but not enough signs encouraging enough to convince myself with. Like... World Financial Group seems to be an option for a career, yet... I don't know how much of a struggle that would be. I'm concerned about the level of ambition and motivation required. I'm concerned about exactly what I will need to do in order to become successful while doing it. I need to keep looking into it before I commit.
But... I'm... not looking forward to integrating myself in with the world with these hearing aids. Given that they are acting as they do.
Thanks AutoSense 3.0. You've really dampened my enthusiasm for wearing them.
... Well.
Life goes on.
And I need to stop being still.
Your turn God.
I've gotten the hearing aids.
Now what?
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Unhappy Valentine's Day
What a rough night yesterday was. It ended with Fola crying and me feeling helpless, unloved and at loss for words.
I think the catalyst was the moment when she asked me to show her affection. I wasn't doing that. I mean... I did earlier, but she didn't seem to enjoy it or felt like reciprocating.
So, I withdrew,
And when it came to the point later that day where she asked me to show her affection, I thought about how it has been with us the past few weeks where she didn't show much affection to me at all.
Some of the things that happened in that time include:
Her making a joke about fucking a guy "I'd let him fuck me" who we were watching in an interview.
Her making a joke about me being in a dress and that I'd make a good housewife.
Her making a joke (shortly after the dress) about me being Rose and her being Jack (from Titanic).
Her comment about how she would never want to have a baby with me because of my issues with hearing. The way she said this... made my heart sunk.
Her... still not moving in. Saying first that she wants her daughter to have a bed, but IKEA is sold out of the only one she wanted. This means she is not moving in until a bed is found. Oh... and she now doesn't have money to afford paying for a bed because of other expenses. I don't know when she is moving in but she isn't taking it seriously. It's been three months since we agreed for it to happen. She then said March is more likely, because her being at the Expo is stressful and time-consuming and moving out before it takes place is not something that is on her mind right now.
Other things have happened in those two weeks. Rejected me for sex twice. Wasn't affectionate. Withdrawn. Argumentative. Dismissed the concerns I've had with her behavior. Neglected my own need for affection and closeness. Answers with "I don't know" when asked about why she is feeling closed off. Answers "good" and "well" whenever I ask how a certain event is/was without adding anything further.
It just goes on and on.
Last night she asked for affection and the past two weeks have... left me feeling empty, jaded and emasculated.
I can't... just... be affectionate because she asks me to. I still felt the rejection and the pain of the last two weeks she's caused and... it doesn't just disappear with a snap of her fingers.
Yesterday we went for lunch at Tonys Pizza and then for a massage. Walking into Tony's had her look at me impassively with a "oh, hello" when I first saw her. No smile, no hug, no... affection.
The conversation that followed was awkward. I didn't feel... alive around her. I felt... like my guard was up and... my level of excitement was gone.
And of course... why would she open up and be affectionate when I'm withdrawn?
It's an ugly cycle with us.
But I feel like I've been shit on enough times in the past few weeks that... though it wasn't a conscious decision, I had every right to sulk and not feel connected to her.
I've tried to reach out to her a few times this week and it was... not reciprocated.
I've always been an affectionate person. I like touching. I like holding hands. I like hugs and kisses. I like sex.
But she doesn't care for these things.
Only when she wants them she does and that... usually means she wants them when I withdraw from her. When she's pushed me down far enough that I don't feel like being affectionate. That's when I'm asked for affection once she realizes that it's missing.
It's a stupid game.
Why does it have to be played like this?
Last night I bought her flowers, a book and a toy. I also cleaned up her kitchen. But none of that made any difference when it came to sitting on the couch afterwards. She didn't reach out to touch me. Didn't show any affection herself.
Saying "thank you" isn't enough. You have to show gratitude. Express it physically. At least for me that is what I want.
Anyone can say thank you. Takes less than a second to say these words. Takes more time and effort to show how thankful you actually are, which she doesn't often do.
Yes. She brought me a Valentine's day card with nice words on it and small gifts. I wasn't expecting that. We've never celebrated Valentine's Day before. She normally doesn't care about anniversaries or celebrations.
The first Valentine's Day we've had, she texted me a nice sexy photo collage of her body parts with Happy V-Day.
I miss that. She baked me blueberry scones in those early times as well.
Was enthusiastic about sex and excited to see and be with me.
...Guess those were the good old days.
So... last night she cried next to me on the couch after asking for affection and I brought up how much I was hurting.
I didn't know what to do.
I pulled her in and held her for a bit.
And... Had to go home... so I hugged and kissed her at the door and left.
Felt like I took initiative both times there. She didn't.
I don't think she leaned in for a kiss. I don't think she reached out for a hug at all yesterday.
Why does it have to fall on me?
There is no worse feeling when one needs something in a relationship and it gets rejected.
It's happened to me a few times in the last couple weeks and I began to withdraw. To stop being vulnerable or take initiative,
Of course she wouldn't be attracted to a withdrawn, closed-off partner.
But... fuck... why can't she see how much she's hurt me?
Why does she not think any of this damage needs repairing? Why won't she take my concerns seriously rather than get defensive and point fingers back at me and saying that she doesn't have to make up for anything?
That doesn't resolve arguments.
It fosters resentment. Apathy. Loss of connection.
If your partner tells you they are feeling hurt and invalidated and taken for granted... maybe the best thing to do is to really listen to what they're saying.
And take it seriously.
Seriously enough to ask if maybe... MAYBE, some of what your partner is feeling is something that you could be responsible for causing.
That's been a big problem in our relationship. Fola feels that individuals are accountable only to themselves. How I feel is not because of anything she's done, but because of a choice I've somehow made to feel a certain way. Therefore, I am responsible for the emotions that arise whenever someone hurts me.
That makes sense on a certain level. Yes, I can manage the reaction I feel whenever I get insulted or rejected but that doesn't absolve the perpetrator. It doesn't mean they can continue to attack and belittle and insult.
No. I can choose not to get upset. But I can also choose to remain skeptical and guarded around them from now on. Rightfully so, because why would I allow myself to be hurt or disrespected?
Why would I continue to put up with abuse?
But because she is my girlfriend and I see her frequently... The best option is not to hide or avoid but to... just withdraw.
At least for me, that is.
I've told her what bothers me and I keep telling her what bothers me... After that, it's in her hands.
She doesn't think she needs to make up for anything or that she's done anything wrong.
Yes... she's apologized for saying things like she doesn't want to have a baby with me because of my hearing but the damage something like that causes is not easily fixed overnight.
That damage lingers.
From her perspective, it was her saying something with impulsiveness and thoughtlessness and that it should be immediately forgiven after apologizing.
It's not so easily forgiven.
Saying "sorry" does not work when a certain amount of pain is caused to someone. Purposefully or through neglect. Or ignorance.
I doubt that if I punched an old lady on the street and said "sorry" that it would be acceptable enough for her and that she will move on, having forgiven me.
But that is what Fola expects. She doesn't think that apologies have to be earned. Forgiveness has to be earned.
It's... just her beliefs.
The fault is with me because I cannot seem to forgive her as easily as she likes.
There is a reason why I ruminate over certain incidents in our relationship.
Because that pain was not resolved or accounted for.
It was left out there like it meant nothing.
And then forgotten about.
She may not carry the wounds or memories of the things she's done, but I certainly do.
I have just read an article on Medium by Caitlin Johnstone in where she talks about power. She says:
"Power is the ability to control what happens. Absolute power is controlling what people think about what happens."
I feel absolutely powerless with Fola.
I can't do anything.
Do anything but be who I am.
A sensitive guy that tries to hide it.
Because few people appreciate or respect the depths of how I feel.
Maybe I want too much.
But after watching this video yesterday:
And seeing real happiness between people.
Maybe I am not wanting enough.
I deserve better.
Maybe she does too.
I don't know.
I have said in my last post that it is God's turn. That same day lead me to a few realizations.
And I'm thankful for them.
Thankful for the forces that helped.
But...
I still need help.
I still need a path forward.
Tuesday is when I'll be ordering hearing aids for the first time.
I haven't worn them since I was in grade four. Over thirty years ago.
That's... my path forward.
It's all I can do right now.
Your turn again God.
Please show me the way.
I think the catalyst was the moment when she asked me to show her affection. I wasn't doing that. I mean... I did earlier, but she didn't seem to enjoy it or felt like reciprocating.
So, I withdrew,
And when it came to the point later that day where she asked me to show her affection, I thought about how it has been with us the past few weeks where she didn't show much affection to me at all.
Some of the things that happened in that time include:
Her making a joke about fucking a guy "I'd let him fuck me" who we were watching in an interview.
Her making a joke about me being in a dress and that I'd make a good housewife.
Her making a joke (shortly after the dress) about me being Rose and her being Jack (from Titanic).
Her comment about how she would never want to have a baby with me because of my issues with hearing. The way she said this... made my heart sunk.
Her... still not moving in. Saying first that she wants her daughter to have a bed, but IKEA is sold out of the only one she wanted. This means she is not moving in until a bed is found. Oh... and she now doesn't have money to afford paying for a bed because of other expenses. I don't know when she is moving in but she isn't taking it seriously. It's been three months since we agreed for it to happen. She then said March is more likely, because her being at the Expo is stressful and time-consuming and moving out before it takes place is not something that is on her mind right now.
Other things have happened in those two weeks. Rejected me for sex twice. Wasn't affectionate. Withdrawn. Argumentative. Dismissed the concerns I've had with her behavior. Neglected my own need for affection and closeness. Answers with "I don't know" when asked about why she is feeling closed off. Answers "good" and "well" whenever I ask how a certain event is/was without adding anything further.
It just goes on and on.
Last night she asked for affection and the past two weeks have... left me feeling empty, jaded and emasculated.
I can't... just... be affectionate because she asks me to. I still felt the rejection and the pain of the last two weeks she's caused and... it doesn't just disappear with a snap of her fingers.
Yesterday we went for lunch at Tonys Pizza and then for a massage. Walking into Tony's had her look at me impassively with a "oh, hello" when I first saw her. No smile, no hug, no... affection.
The conversation that followed was awkward. I didn't feel... alive around her. I felt... like my guard was up and... my level of excitement was gone.
And of course... why would she open up and be affectionate when I'm withdrawn?
It's an ugly cycle with us.
But I feel like I've been shit on enough times in the past few weeks that... though it wasn't a conscious decision, I had every right to sulk and not feel connected to her.
I've tried to reach out to her a few times this week and it was... not reciprocated.
I've always been an affectionate person. I like touching. I like holding hands. I like hugs and kisses. I like sex.
But she doesn't care for these things.
Only when she wants them she does and that... usually means she wants them when I withdraw from her. When she's pushed me down far enough that I don't feel like being affectionate. That's when I'm asked for affection once she realizes that it's missing.
It's a stupid game.
Why does it have to be played like this?
Last night I bought her flowers, a book and a toy. I also cleaned up her kitchen. But none of that made any difference when it came to sitting on the couch afterwards. She didn't reach out to touch me. Didn't show any affection herself.
Saying "thank you" isn't enough. You have to show gratitude. Express it physically. At least for me that is what I want.
Anyone can say thank you. Takes less than a second to say these words. Takes more time and effort to show how thankful you actually are, which she doesn't often do.
Yes. She brought me a Valentine's day card with nice words on it and small gifts. I wasn't expecting that. We've never celebrated Valentine's Day before. She normally doesn't care about anniversaries or celebrations.
The first Valentine's Day we've had, she texted me a nice sexy photo collage of her body parts with Happy V-Day.
I miss that. She baked me blueberry scones in those early times as well.
Was enthusiastic about sex and excited to see and be with me.
...Guess those were the good old days.
So... last night she cried next to me on the couch after asking for affection and I brought up how much I was hurting.
I didn't know what to do.
I pulled her in and held her for a bit.
And... Had to go home... so I hugged and kissed her at the door and left.
Felt like I took initiative both times there. She didn't.
I don't think she leaned in for a kiss. I don't think she reached out for a hug at all yesterday.
Why does it have to fall on me?
There is no worse feeling when one needs something in a relationship and it gets rejected.
It's happened to me a few times in the last couple weeks and I began to withdraw. To stop being vulnerable or take initiative,
Of course she wouldn't be attracted to a withdrawn, closed-off partner.
But... fuck... why can't she see how much she's hurt me?
Why does she not think any of this damage needs repairing? Why won't she take my concerns seriously rather than get defensive and point fingers back at me and saying that she doesn't have to make up for anything?
That doesn't resolve arguments.
It fosters resentment. Apathy. Loss of connection.
If your partner tells you they are feeling hurt and invalidated and taken for granted... maybe the best thing to do is to really listen to what they're saying.
And take it seriously.
Seriously enough to ask if maybe... MAYBE, some of what your partner is feeling is something that you could be responsible for causing.
That's been a big problem in our relationship. Fola feels that individuals are accountable only to themselves. How I feel is not because of anything she's done, but because of a choice I've somehow made to feel a certain way. Therefore, I am responsible for the emotions that arise whenever someone hurts me.
That makes sense on a certain level. Yes, I can manage the reaction I feel whenever I get insulted or rejected but that doesn't absolve the perpetrator. It doesn't mean they can continue to attack and belittle and insult.
No. I can choose not to get upset. But I can also choose to remain skeptical and guarded around them from now on. Rightfully so, because why would I allow myself to be hurt or disrespected?
Why would I continue to put up with abuse?
But because she is my girlfriend and I see her frequently... The best option is not to hide or avoid but to... just withdraw.
At least for me, that is.
I've told her what bothers me and I keep telling her what bothers me... After that, it's in her hands.
She doesn't think she needs to make up for anything or that she's done anything wrong.
Yes... she's apologized for saying things like she doesn't want to have a baby with me because of my hearing but the damage something like that causes is not easily fixed overnight.
That damage lingers.
From her perspective, it was her saying something with impulsiveness and thoughtlessness and that it should be immediately forgiven after apologizing.
It's not so easily forgiven.
Saying "sorry" does not work when a certain amount of pain is caused to someone. Purposefully or through neglect. Or ignorance.
I doubt that if I punched an old lady on the street and said "sorry" that it would be acceptable enough for her and that she will move on, having forgiven me.
But that is what Fola expects. She doesn't think that apologies have to be earned. Forgiveness has to be earned.
It's... just her beliefs.
The fault is with me because I cannot seem to forgive her as easily as she likes.
There is a reason why I ruminate over certain incidents in our relationship.
Because that pain was not resolved or accounted for.
It was left out there like it meant nothing.
And then forgotten about.
She may not carry the wounds or memories of the things she's done, but I certainly do.
I have just read an article on Medium by Caitlin Johnstone in where she talks about power. She says:
"Power is the ability to control what happens. Absolute power is controlling what people think about what happens."
I feel absolutely powerless with Fola.
I can't do anything.
Do anything but be who I am.
A sensitive guy that tries to hide it.
Because few people appreciate or respect the depths of how I feel.
Maybe I want too much.
But after watching this video yesterday:
And seeing real happiness between people.
Maybe I am not wanting enough.
I deserve better.
Maybe she does too.
I don't know.
I have said in my last post that it is God's turn. That same day lead me to a few realizations.
And I'm thankful for them.
Thankful for the forces that helped.
But...
I still need help.
I still need a path forward.
Tuesday is when I'll be ordering hearing aids for the first time.
I haven't worn them since I was in grade four. Over thirty years ago.
That's... my path forward.
It's all I can do right now.
Your turn again God.
Please show me the way.
Wednesday, February 05, 2020
New Year New Post
Hi again blog, hate myself right now.
I hate this relationship. It's not what I want it to be.
Feels like I'm being emotionally starved. Yeah... She hasn't moved in yet. Just full of excuses.
Right now we're waiting until next week when a bed for her daughter is available to buy. Then, she'll move in.
She isn't helping with getting the place ready. Nothing of hers is being brought over.
Few days ago she tells me she is feeling "resistance" and doesn't know why.
I'm really tired of it.
So much drama.
I help her a lot and this morning... I find her sleeping on the couch. She tells me about this apocalyptic dream of hers and then... well, she gets on her phone and starts texting other people about her dream and does her Facebook stuff and messages and phone calls...
We didn't connect with each other.
I tried... After finding her on the couch and listening to her dream. Touching her... but... She went on her phone after that and a few hours went by like that.
Constantly distracted.
Pulled this way and that.
Not giving attention to this relationship. Asking me for things. "Can you be with me all weekend at the expo?" which is this event she is going to be setting a booth at. I designed her banner.
Didn't feel like it was all that appreciated.
Told me later that it's "my job" to get her a tablecloth for the table at the expo.
I... feel so fucking underappreciated. So... much like a fucking tool.
Drained... Like... USED.
Just being used.
Hardly any real affection between us.
Just as she was about to leave my place, she asked what was wrong. I didn't want to bring up this shit but she got it out of me and predictably wouldn't take responsibility. It's my fault for not speaking up earlier and saying "hey I want to connect with you" like I have to verbally announce it every time I want her to be a loving girlfriend.
Which she isn't. And she's... supposedly moving in.
Agent of chaos, still.
For someone who claims to be a healer and promotes self-love and love and compassion and awareness and higher consciousness... She does a poor job of demonstrating any of that stuff with people close to her.
It's such a sham.
The great pretender.
Days like this make me want to shut the world out and not have anything to do with anyone.
I feel more distanced from my parents than I was before I met her.
I feel more disconnected from myself since I met her.
I think this is an abusive relationship.
Maybe my expectations are too high. Especially for someone like her.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
I have to consider this... but I don't know what to say.
If I wrote a list of qualities my ideal girlfriend has, Fola wouldn't be checking most of the boxes.
That... depresses me because... Why am I still putting up with this?
Because I'm an idiot that wants to love and be loved.
I feel that... I'm...
I'm not being true to myself and what I need.
I feel like I'm being lied to.
She isn't a warm person. She is not compassionate or caring or affectionate or wise.
Sometimes she seems that way and that is when I feel happy to be with her.
But she usually isn't.
And I think that is the reason why abusive relationships last for as long as they do. Because one person keeps thinking the other will change. And those brief moments of genuine love and care for one another is eclipsed by many more moments of disrespect, lack of empathy and a lack of gratitude.
I like to think of relationships as plants that need to be watered.
This one is dry.
Fola isn't the type to be placing much importance on the value of a relationship. I really think she would rather be off fucking a smorgasbord of guys while living on her own.
She doesn't want to settle down and really be with me.
That's why she hasn't moved in yet.
And stupid me continues to believe that maybe things will change for the better.
Somehow.
Someday.
My connection with God.. the... type of connection I had before I met Fola was much more deeper than it is now. I feel... less in tune with who I am and the world around me.
Less happier.
More miserable.
And... I get these fleeting glimpses of affection every once in a while and that seems to be enough to renew my hope with.
We've stopped going to counselling because our counselor was taking a few months off.
I don't think Fola has even read either of the two books we've been recommended. Much less take the relationship seriously enough to work on.
It's the blame game. Over and over. She does something that I feel is her fault (being distant and distracted) and I get told that it is because of something that I did or neglected to say.
Really tired of this.
I don't think my mother likes her either.
I don't... think we're good together.
She isn't bringing out the best in me.
These words are terrible to write. I almost feel like a coward for doing so because...
What am I going to do about all this?
Can this be salvaged? Can it...be better in time?
Why do I hate myself so much to think that this is what I deserve?
I can feel emotions bubbling up in me right now. I also feel that I need to suppress them because letting them out is not going to make me feel any better.
It'll mean acknowledging the pain that is inside.
And I don't... feel like I want to be doing that right now.
I want to cover it all up and pretend like its not there.
That everything is fine. Even when it isn't.
I do deserve better than this.
I know I do.
But maybe... I haven't... really earned that yet. It's like asking for money that I haven't worked for.
Why am I entitled to having it? Just because?
I feel that I've spent a good part of my life chasing down the one I'm meant to be with. Initially I thought it was her.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I have to constantly hear about her business. Constantly hear about her self-improvement but don't really see the results of all this spiritual work she is doing.
And that is frustrating because I can see she does try.
Maybe...
Sighs.
Words are failing me but it seems like whenever I'm doing my own thing without regard for hers, is when she starts to pay attention.
Listen to me write. Just this spineless cowardly man who is uncertain about his future, has lost much of his confidence and complains about shit that he could fix but isn't brave enough to do so.
Gail, Fola's Shamanic teacher once talked with us and told me that I was "very forgiving" and that we both need to learn how to fight.
I don't feel we've progressed much since then.
When I pull away, Fola gets closer. When I want to get closer, she pulls away.
It doesn't make any sense.
A constant power struggle between us.
And I'm not an effective leader when I am this distracted and bogged down by drama that ultimately is meaningless.
I don't want to be involved in all of that. I want to relax. I want to know that she is trustworthy.
Last night we watched a video and she blurts out "that guy can fuck me" for no reason at all.
I still have trust issues.
That kind of remark doesn't sit well with me. Even as a joke, which she claimed it was.
Some joke.
It's these little barbs that make me not want to be with her.
And I can rationalize this relationship is a dozen different ways to make myself feel better about being in it.
But I am losing hope.
I don't want to lie anymore to myself about what I need and who I would want in my life.
But I continue to lie. To deflect. To be distracted.
No wonder I spend a lot of time playing video games.
I don't want to deal with any of this shit.
In Battlefront, I'm a soldier who fights and does an exceptional job of it.
In life, that is a different matter.
Why won't I fight?
Why can't I get what I want?
I know God is out there... This Supreme Intelligence. Aware of my thoughts and feelings and these words on the screen.
I know there is a record of all this someplace.
And I know that help is available.
Which I've asked for.
Repeatedly. Over the years.
As my blog testifies to this.
And... I can only accept the silence as a signal to be patient. A testing of faith.
Either I have faith in the external or I have faith in myself.
I don't know which of the two to stand by.
It feels like one or the other.
I'm tired of this God.
Deliver me from this evil. This temptation.
Grant me a miracle.
Maybe all it takes is... a choice.
But give me the means and optimism to be making that choice.
I can't make that decision in the state that I am in.
I need to feel good and certain about what I do.
I fear the unknown.
I need a light.
A path to go towards.
A reason for being that I don't need to feel uncertain about.
I want to honour you God.
Though life does hurt.
I still want to show you that I care and would do what is necessary to realize the means and ways I can contribute to making the world a better place.
Making myself a better person and others as well.
And... being happy about it all.
Genuinely happy.
Being of service and having that service appreciated.
I don't think it's that much to ask.
I'm tired of asking. Of hoping and begging.
I want you to step up.
And show me that you care, too.
That I am a child that you love.
And would do anything for.
So that I can return that love to you.
And feel proud about it.
That's all I want.
I believe it is your turn.
I hate this relationship. It's not what I want it to be.
Feels like I'm being emotionally starved. Yeah... She hasn't moved in yet. Just full of excuses.
Right now we're waiting until next week when a bed for her daughter is available to buy. Then, she'll move in.
She isn't helping with getting the place ready. Nothing of hers is being brought over.
Few days ago she tells me she is feeling "resistance" and doesn't know why.
I'm really tired of it.
So much drama.
I help her a lot and this morning... I find her sleeping on the couch. She tells me about this apocalyptic dream of hers and then... well, she gets on her phone and starts texting other people about her dream and does her Facebook stuff and messages and phone calls...
We didn't connect with each other.
I tried... After finding her on the couch and listening to her dream. Touching her... but... She went on her phone after that and a few hours went by like that.
Constantly distracted.
Pulled this way and that.
Not giving attention to this relationship. Asking me for things. "Can you be with me all weekend at the expo?" which is this event she is going to be setting a booth at. I designed her banner.
Didn't feel like it was all that appreciated.
Told me later that it's "my job" to get her a tablecloth for the table at the expo.
I... feel so fucking underappreciated. So... much like a fucking tool.
Drained... Like... USED.
Just being used.
Hardly any real affection between us.
Just as she was about to leave my place, she asked what was wrong. I didn't want to bring up this shit but she got it out of me and predictably wouldn't take responsibility. It's my fault for not speaking up earlier and saying "hey I want to connect with you" like I have to verbally announce it every time I want her to be a loving girlfriend.
Which she isn't. And she's... supposedly moving in.
Agent of chaos, still.
For someone who claims to be a healer and promotes self-love and love and compassion and awareness and higher consciousness... She does a poor job of demonstrating any of that stuff with people close to her.
It's such a sham.
The great pretender.
Days like this make me want to shut the world out and not have anything to do with anyone.
I feel more distanced from my parents than I was before I met her.
I feel more disconnected from myself since I met her.
I think this is an abusive relationship.
Maybe my expectations are too high. Especially for someone like her.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
I have to consider this... but I don't know what to say.
If I wrote a list of qualities my ideal girlfriend has, Fola wouldn't be checking most of the boxes.
That... depresses me because... Why am I still putting up with this?
Because I'm an idiot that wants to love and be loved.
I feel that... I'm...
I'm not being true to myself and what I need.
I feel like I'm being lied to.
She isn't a warm person. She is not compassionate or caring or affectionate or wise.
Sometimes she seems that way and that is when I feel happy to be with her.
But she usually isn't.
And I think that is the reason why abusive relationships last for as long as they do. Because one person keeps thinking the other will change. And those brief moments of genuine love and care for one another is eclipsed by many more moments of disrespect, lack of empathy and a lack of gratitude.
I like to think of relationships as plants that need to be watered.
This one is dry.
Fola isn't the type to be placing much importance on the value of a relationship. I really think she would rather be off fucking a smorgasbord of guys while living on her own.
She doesn't want to settle down and really be with me.
That's why she hasn't moved in yet.
And stupid me continues to believe that maybe things will change for the better.
Somehow.
Someday.
My connection with God.. the... type of connection I had before I met Fola was much more deeper than it is now. I feel... less in tune with who I am and the world around me.
Less happier.
More miserable.
And... I get these fleeting glimpses of affection every once in a while and that seems to be enough to renew my hope with.
We've stopped going to counselling because our counselor was taking a few months off.
I don't think Fola has even read either of the two books we've been recommended. Much less take the relationship seriously enough to work on.
It's the blame game. Over and over. She does something that I feel is her fault (being distant and distracted) and I get told that it is because of something that I did or neglected to say.
Really tired of this.
I don't think my mother likes her either.
I don't... think we're good together.
She isn't bringing out the best in me.
These words are terrible to write. I almost feel like a coward for doing so because...
What am I going to do about all this?
Can this be salvaged? Can it...be better in time?
Why do I hate myself so much to think that this is what I deserve?
I can feel emotions bubbling up in me right now. I also feel that I need to suppress them because letting them out is not going to make me feel any better.
It'll mean acknowledging the pain that is inside.
And I don't... feel like I want to be doing that right now.
I want to cover it all up and pretend like its not there.
That everything is fine. Even when it isn't.
I do deserve better than this.
I know I do.
But maybe... I haven't... really earned that yet. It's like asking for money that I haven't worked for.
Why am I entitled to having it? Just because?
I feel that I've spent a good part of my life chasing down the one I'm meant to be with. Initially I thought it was her.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I have to constantly hear about her business. Constantly hear about her self-improvement but don't really see the results of all this spiritual work she is doing.
And that is frustrating because I can see she does try.
Maybe...
Sighs.
Words are failing me but it seems like whenever I'm doing my own thing without regard for hers, is when she starts to pay attention.
Listen to me write. Just this spineless cowardly man who is uncertain about his future, has lost much of his confidence and complains about shit that he could fix but isn't brave enough to do so.
Gail, Fola's Shamanic teacher once talked with us and told me that I was "very forgiving" and that we both need to learn how to fight.
I don't feel we've progressed much since then.
When I pull away, Fola gets closer. When I want to get closer, she pulls away.
It doesn't make any sense.
A constant power struggle between us.
And I'm not an effective leader when I am this distracted and bogged down by drama that ultimately is meaningless.
I don't want to be involved in all of that. I want to relax. I want to know that she is trustworthy.
Last night we watched a video and she blurts out "that guy can fuck me" for no reason at all.
I still have trust issues.
That kind of remark doesn't sit well with me. Even as a joke, which she claimed it was.
Some joke.
It's these little barbs that make me not want to be with her.
And I can rationalize this relationship is a dozen different ways to make myself feel better about being in it.
But I am losing hope.
I don't want to lie anymore to myself about what I need and who I would want in my life.
But I continue to lie. To deflect. To be distracted.
No wonder I spend a lot of time playing video games.
I don't want to deal with any of this shit.
In Battlefront, I'm a soldier who fights and does an exceptional job of it.
In life, that is a different matter.
Why won't I fight?
Why can't I get what I want?
I know God is out there... This Supreme Intelligence. Aware of my thoughts and feelings and these words on the screen.
I know there is a record of all this someplace.
And I know that help is available.
Which I've asked for.
Repeatedly. Over the years.
As my blog testifies to this.
And... I can only accept the silence as a signal to be patient. A testing of faith.
Either I have faith in the external or I have faith in myself.
I don't know which of the two to stand by.
It feels like one or the other.
I'm tired of this God.
Deliver me from this evil. This temptation.
Grant me a miracle.
Maybe all it takes is... a choice.
But give me the means and optimism to be making that choice.
I can't make that decision in the state that I am in.
I need to feel good and certain about what I do.
I fear the unknown.
I need a light.
A path to go towards.
A reason for being that I don't need to feel uncertain about.
I want to honour you God.
Though life does hurt.
I still want to show you that I care and would do what is necessary to realize the means and ways I can contribute to making the world a better place.
Making myself a better person and others as well.
And... being happy about it all.
Genuinely happy.
Being of service and having that service appreciated.
I don't think it's that much to ask.
I'm tired of asking. Of hoping and begging.
I want you to step up.
And show me that you care, too.
That I am a child that you love.
And would do anything for.
So that I can return that love to you.
And feel proud about it.
That's all I want.
I believe it is your turn.
Saturday, November 30, 2019
The Cosmic Wink
Well, here I am again blog. Not sure why I've been taking so long between posts but...
Here I am.
It sometimes gets overwhelming with the amount of events and situations that happens in my life that I feel I can't keep up with it all. Much less blog about it.
Just off the top of my head:
Got laid off just over a week ago
Went to Montreal with Fola
New King sized bedframe and mattress to be delivered
Fola is "working" with my ex-girlfriend Lauren who she randomly came across without knowing
At Sleep Country while looking for pillows, I had an amazing conversation with a lady named Amber about science and geeky things.
Also on that same day at a different Sleep Country with Fola; We were serviced by one of my exes. Amy, who I didn't quite recognize immediately.
Registered our "business" a few days ago
And so on and so forth.
There is so much to deal with and talk about that I don't know where to start.
Oh, and Fola is moving in next month. Beginning of January she says.
We'll see how that goes.
Yesterday she drove me nuts. Was in a good mood that morning until she insisted we take my car to our counselling appointment. Yes, we are seeing a counsellor.
She gets in the car and notices that one of the doors isn't closed. It was the rear-passenger side and she was in the driver's seat. What does she do? Instead of letting me close it (because I was closest), she decided to lean back violently and reach for the handle (which was too far for her to reach, anyways). What happens? My seat flattens out and won't return to it's original position. Ended up breaking the handle on the seat so now it's stuck at a near-full recline. Great. We had to take her car instead.
I owe 860$ after my income tax return was reassessed.
Sighs. Again... I don't know what to talk about or where to start.
I think... I've been looking at Fola not as a girlfriend or life-long partner; but as something else lately.
An agent of chaos. She would admit to this as well, I'm sure. At least from what I've seen of her and the things she says.
For instance, a passage in this workbook she was going through had a passage highlighted talking about how it's good to destroy things in order to make room for new growth.
Yesterday with the car seat and a few other dumb coincidences; it pointed to this very thing. My world falling apart and being destroyed.
Yet, replaced with new growth. Maybe.
We'll see.
So much to talk about that I don't know how to start. Just going to repeat this over and over in a kind of bemused, annoyed and mildly frustrated sort of way.
Agent of chaos.
When I think about that, it puts her presence in my life in a practical perspective.
For instance, now that I know that; it is my duty to present the exact opposite.
Order.
I have to bring order. This means to take responsibility, organize and get my shit together.
Be more disciplined. More sure about what I want and taking the necessary steps to get there.
More inclined to say no to the things that I am asked to do or disagree with.
For instance... Fola...
Sighs... I don't like talking about her on here. I've talked about her so much that I dislike making yet another post with her as a topic.
But... this is what an agent of chaos does. They get into your head. They distract. They overload.
They consume you with trivialities so that the important things are more difficult to get done.
Focus is lost or distorted or misaligned.
Wrapping me up in her drama... daily dramas, is having a detrimental effect.
And that is because I am allowing it to have power over me.
Because I genuinely am a curious and inquisitive person who is interested in the going-ons of other people that I love and care about.
And even with those that I don't.
... I don't know what else to be writing here.
But I'm glad to be writing. To be making this effort.
Organizing my thoughts through the keyboard.
That's important. Even if there is nothing really important being talked about.
I think writing is a way of organizing my thoughts and polishing them up. Exercising these neural pathways and sharpening my objectivity and ability to be present and content with who I am and where I find myself.
Whatever shall be will be. No matter my reaction to any of it.
All I can do is to keep faith. Believe in myself and work towards that which I desire.
Despite all the distractions.
That's what chaos does. Provide distractions and temptations and false promises.
Sometimes it is completely ignorant. Despite my attempts to straighten things out.
Making me feel weak and powerless in the moment.
And if history has taught me anything, my moments of weakness does not necessarily mean that I am and always have been a weak individual.
I have had my moments of personal triumph.
I've risen to the occasion when pressure demands it.
I am still a passionate and good human being no matter how often I may feel otherwise.
Dead and drained and unsure of myself.
Still alive... still me. Even if it is caked over with layers of bullshit.
Still believe in God and in the goodness of others.
Still willing to dedicate myself in service of a higher principle and truth.
Still with faith.
Still with intelligence.
Still with charisma and humor and good things.
Even when it often it covered by the mud of chaos.
I am that I am.
And always shall be.
Here I am.
It sometimes gets overwhelming with the amount of events and situations that happens in my life that I feel I can't keep up with it all. Much less blog about it.
Just off the top of my head:
Got laid off just over a week ago
Went to Montreal with Fola
New King sized bedframe and mattress to be delivered
Fola is "working" with my ex-girlfriend Lauren who she randomly came across without knowing
At Sleep Country while looking for pillows, I had an amazing conversation with a lady named Amber about science and geeky things.
Also on that same day at a different Sleep Country with Fola; We were serviced by one of my exes. Amy, who I didn't quite recognize immediately.
Registered our "business" a few days ago
And so on and so forth.
There is so much to deal with and talk about that I don't know where to start.
Oh, and Fola is moving in next month. Beginning of January she says.
We'll see how that goes.
Yesterday she drove me nuts. Was in a good mood that morning until she insisted we take my car to our counselling appointment. Yes, we are seeing a counsellor.
She gets in the car and notices that one of the doors isn't closed. It was the rear-passenger side and she was in the driver's seat. What does she do? Instead of letting me close it (because I was closest), she decided to lean back violently and reach for the handle (which was too far for her to reach, anyways). What happens? My seat flattens out and won't return to it's original position. Ended up breaking the handle on the seat so now it's stuck at a near-full recline. Great. We had to take her car instead.
I owe 860$ after my income tax return was reassessed.
Sighs. Again... I don't know what to talk about or where to start.
I think... I've been looking at Fola not as a girlfriend or life-long partner; but as something else lately.
An agent of chaos. She would admit to this as well, I'm sure. At least from what I've seen of her and the things she says.
For instance, a passage in this workbook she was going through had a passage highlighted talking about how it's good to destroy things in order to make room for new growth.
Yesterday with the car seat and a few other dumb coincidences; it pointed to this very thing. My world falling apart and being destroyed.
Yet, replaced with new growth. Maybe.
We'll see.
So much to talk about that I don't know how to start. Just going to repeat this over and over in a kind of bemused, annoyed and mildly frustrated sort of way.
Agent of chaos.
When I think about that, it puts her presence in my life in a practical perspective.
For instance, now that I know that; it is my duty to present the exact opposite.
Order.
I have to bring order. This means to take responsibility, organize and get my shit together.
Be more disciplined. More sure about what I want and taking the necessary steps to get there.
More inclined to say no to the things that I am asked to do or disagree with.
For instance... Fola...
Sighs... I don't like talking about her on here. I've talked about her so much that I dislike making yet another post with her as a topic.
But... this is what an agent of chaos does. They get into your head. They distract. They overload.
They consume you with trivialities so that the important things are more difficult to get done.
Focus is lost or distorted or misaligned.
Wrapping me up in her drama... daily dramas, is having a detrimental effect.
And that is because I am allowing it to have power over me.
Because I genuinely am a curious and inquisitive person who is interested in the going-ons of other people that I love and care about.
And even with those that I don't.
... I don't know what else to be writing here.
But I'm glad to be writing. To be making this effort.
Organizing my thoughts through the keyboard.
That's important. Even if there is nothing really important being talked about.
I think writing is a way of organizing my thoughts and polishing them up. Exercising these neural pathways and sharpening my objectivity and ability to be present and content with who I am and where I find myself.
Whatever shall be will be. No matter my reaction to any of it.
All I can do is to keep faith. Believe in myself and work towards that which I desire.
Despite all the distractions.
That's what chaos does. Provide distractions and temptations and false promises.
Sometimes it is completely ignorant. Despite my attempts to straighten things out.
Making me feel weak and powerless in the moment.
And if history has taught me anything, my moments of weakness does not necessarily mean that I am and always have been a weak individual.
I have had my moments of personal triumph.
I've risen to the occasion when pressure demands it.
I am still a passionate and good human being no matter how often I may feel otherwise.
Dead and drained and unsure of myself.
Still alive... still me. Even if it is caked over with layers of bullshit.
Still believe in God and in the goodness of others.
Still willing to dedicate myself in service of a higher principle and truth.
Still with faith.
Still with intelligence.
Still with charisma and humor and good things.
Even when it often it covered by the mud of chaos.
I am that I am.
And always shall be.
Monday, September 30, 2019
Crumble
I'm such an idiot for hanging on like this.
These conversations we're having are going nowhere. I can make an articulate argument and it gets ignored and tossed aside.
The question: "what is your main goal?" from her tells me that she does not know me and has no interest in paying attention to a question that I answered in text a day earlier.
I want to be in a happy family.
I want to feel loved and appreciated.
I want someone worth coming home to who feels the same of me.
Someone who knows that living together is the next most important step. Someone who WANTS to move in. Who is excited about it.
Not someone who keeps making excuses. Comparing me with her ex. Saying that she's concerned I'll take advantage of her because she makes more money than I do.
Or someone who says "listen to my meditation and I'll move in with you" but will provide another excuse not to.
Fuck.
Why do I have to listen to her talk about how I don't support her passion and how she is taking these leaps of faith with the things she does but does not have faith enough in this relationship to live together? Or awareness and honesty enough to see how I have been supporting her passions.
One day she'll say "I'm connected to the Pleidian race of aliens!" and if I ask why she thinks that, she'll respond with a shoulder shrug and a "I dunno" and WILL consider me to be an unsympathetic douchebag if I recoil in disgust and try to talk sense into her.
Oh wait, she did say that.
"are you going to rent a place, buy one or move in with me?"
"Idk"
Okay. She doesn't know.
She's... Not in her right mind about many of the things she does and says.
She is such a feeling creature. No logic, little facts, will invent shit and stir drama to propagate a false narrative. Usually so that I look bad when I express frustration at her indecisiveness and lack of integrity or respect for me.
She just wants magical things to happen and for her to feel good. Doesn't matter how. Doesn't matter what she needs to bring to the table or having to keep her word.
She'll joke about my buying her an engagement ring or say something like "I wish I could show more commitment to you" and the next week completely behaves in the opposite direction.
I notice her sabotaging this relationship and at this point, I'm feeling powerless to stop it.
Because I can't win a battle against an insane person. I can't... Make her feel responsible or accountable for things that she promises and says but doesn't follow through on.
I feel... This lack of care in defending myself against her false accusations. Not wanting to meet her friends? Not being supportive of her passions?
Just false. Sometimes it feels like a straight up lie when she ignorantly says these things.
Apparently the purpose of our relationship on a soul level is for her to step into her power and learn self love.
Her words, not mine.
That great connection we had? That instant familiarity? The moments of magic and synchronicity were all because she needed to learn herself, apparently.
This is the girl who when I met her had convinced her husband to sleep around with random people. Because she was absolutely certain she couldn't be monogamous and polyamory is who she "really" is.
I'm just a guy who didn't inspire her to be monogamous or to divorce her husband. I didn't inspire her at all other than to learn to love herself more and to "step into her power".
How far we've fallen from her calling me a twin flame or Gail calling her a twin flame woman. She'll ignore all that. These things don't fit the narrative she is looking to create right now.
She won't express gratitude or acknowledge my role in all this. I'm just a freak catalyst who is helping her to love more before she moves on to whatever other flighty whim she feels she should entertain.
So much for her fulfilling what I think is her soul contract. So much for her wanting to make our relationship strong and to express commitment towards it.
All that stuff about twin flames and living together and dream homes and trips was just to keep me excited and continue to invest energy into this person who by her obvious action (and lack of) is demonstrating that none of what she says is anything worth taking seriously.
Like being connected to aliens.
In a way I feel pity for her.
I want to help but I realize that I've given so much of my time and energy into a narcissist who is unwilling to learn from past mistakes and to develop into someone worthy of respect.
I can't respect someone who enthusiastically wants to move in one day, but changes her mind in a week because "angels" basically told her to wait.
Like I said, I can't win against insanity.
She is not in a right state of mind.
And I feel helpless. I want to...
... I don't think I can help her realize how important our relationship is. There's been enough indications that we have something truly special that deserves to be treated with care and taken seriously.
I've... Tried breaking up with her before but something keeps bringing me back.
I suppose maybe this was never supposed to last but there are important lessons to be learned. For the both of us.
She is going to forget all about this twin flames thing and will say that my only role is to have her step into self love.
And, her being the narcissist she is, will not have an explanation or idea for what role she is supposed to be playing in my life.
Why? Because it doesn't matter to her to be thinking about what role she is supposed to play. Or what changes she is supposed to inspire in me.
It's all about her.
Guess I'm banging my head against the wall and she is pointing and laughing as I do it.
Occasionally she'll make me feel really good to have me stick around and continue to bear the brunt of her ignorance.
I have long said many times on my blog that I feel true evil and sin comes from a place of wilful ignorance.
It is knowing that something is wrong or hurtful but deciding to do it anyways without caring about the consequences.
Without care or compassion for the other person.
She knows how much I value love and she is using it against me.
She is attacking me where I am weakest.
By promising things and creating expectations that she has no intention of fulfilling.
She wants me to believe that they will magically happen on their own.
If she breaks up with me, I'm going to feel sorry for the next fellow she encounters.
But who knows, maybe she will be a different person then. Not such a narcissist who continually invents drama and teases with a carrot dangling on a stick.
But I doubt that will happen.
I have a hard time seeing real goodness and compassion in her. She can't fake these qualities for long.
But she'll definitely fool the next guy for a long while.
And she'll probably even fool herself. Maybe she'll tell him he's her true twin flame and I'll be a tiny footnote in her life journey.
I don't see her as a healer.
I see her as someone desperate to be healed.
If only she would let me.
If only she would want to do the same for me.
Making love to her and looking deeply into her eyes is about the only time I can recognize the love between us and the beauty I see of her soul.
She is trapped by her ego.
And wants to change the world.
Whatever that means.
However that looks.
I suppose helping people with problems over Skype is her idea of doing that.
Forget what I told her about how I think a happy couple in love is inspirational enough to change the world on its own.
Just by being in love, we can show others that it's possible. That it exists. That there is still reason to have hope for this world despite how negative and bleak it has become.
Love endures and thrives like a flower growing inside of a crack in a concrete sidewalk.
No matter what, it endures.
And that has always been a beautiful thing to see.
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Playing with Selfishness
Sighs. Well, here we go again. Back to work after eight... wait.. 11... months off?
It's been so long.
Almost a year and I took a call for an 11/3 shift up in Fort McMurray.
Talking about it with Fola prior to leaving, I had tears of bitterness roll down my cheek.
I don't want to be here. This is not the life that I desire to have.
I don't enjoy insulating anymore. Being at the mercy of the weather outside. The tight spots with hot pipes and burn hazards, tripping hazards, loud noises, evacuation alarms, and... all that paperwork to fill out for every single thing we do.
Want to use a harness? paperwork.
Working at heights? paperwork. Also, we need you to wear tool lanyards so you get extra annoyed with using tools attached to ropes that easily get tangled and doesn't stretch out far enough at times to do the task required.
Paperwork. Inconveniences. So much red tape.
Sometimes it takes a couple of hours for us to even begin starting a job.
I don't like it. Yesterday it was pouring rain and in the old days, they would send us home or people would elect to leave and go, but not this place because our company gets paid for us to be there so we are pressured and intimidated and shamed into staying no matter how bad the weather is.
My pants were soaked. Had a rainjacket, but it doesn't do anything to keep water out from my gloves or going down the back of my neck or soaking into my boots.
Anyways... I'm making money again. I've managed to stop the financial bleeding I've been experiencing these past few months.
Still need a lot more to cover my debts.
And... Yeah.. I guess I do deserve this. I... couldn't... find another job. I didn't even.. know what that other job could be, other than a peer support worker but.. it didn't show up in the job bank.
Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Not now, anyways.
And.. I'm looking at the title of this post and... I don't feel like typing out my grievances.
Change of heart. Yes, I'm playing with being more selfish. I'm tired at the end of each work day and could use a lift from my girlfriend which I don't feel I get.
I... feel like she's more interested in talking about herself and what she's doing instead of me.
So.. I'm not all of my usual eager and inquisitive self. Feels like I'm her therapist at times and... it can be draining.
I need to look out for myself. I have been seriously... putting more focus on my needs and wants. I have to envision a possible future with a girlfriend. Without Fola.
She talked about wanting to move in, but still hasn't. Doesn't even mention it, really. Just talks about needing to find a place despite knowing that I've offered her to stay in mine for over a year.
It would've really helped me financially.
We had a big fight about this a few weeks ago that I haven't discussed on my blog.
She asked me a few months ago "if I moved in, would it help you financially?" and of course I said it would.
But does she move in or make plans to move in? No.
Just another tease.
There's no... commitment here...
Apparently I live too far away for her to make the sacrifice of driving an extra 15-20 minutes,
Makes me feel special.
I'm being sarcastic, as you can probably tell.
I'm also exhausted. So much drama with this girl...
Like... our website. I told her I needed a break from it because I felt like I was doing most of the work. I told her it's her website too, and she should be able to work on it as well.
What happens? Since then, she's done nothing on it.
Admits it too. Blames her family for taking up too much of her time.
But, get this! She was able to do an hour long podcast with some friend of hers, work on her "You filled life" Facebook group, and has offered to volunteer at some spiritual care centre twice a month and a support group each week.
I'm not even...
It's such a joke.
She was so enthusiastic about our business, but the moment I needed a pause and for her to pick up some weight, she goes off and does other things.
No focus.
When I am struggling financially, she doesn't think to ask or assist in any way until I make it explicit.
I mean... how much money does she think I actually have if I have ZERO income coming in for nearly 4 months? My EI ran out in April.
... Maybe it's my fault for not stressing the severity of my situation enough.
I don't know...
But...
I'm exhausted.
I call her pet names to cheer her up. But when I call her, she answers with "hello" and doesn't seem to care about putting a smile to the tone of her voice.
Can't joke around with her all that well either.
I try and open up about certain things that happened during my day or to share deep thoughts with her and they often get glossed over or ignored.
And.. she'll say things like... "I thought you already ate" when I told her I...
Fuck it man... I'm not going to air out all my grievances with her.
I need to look out for myself. She is not going to strive to make my life better in any meaningful way.
She offered to do my laundry this Saturday but... that's not the kind of help I need from her.
I can do my own laundry. What does she think? That I'll sit on the couch playing video games while she does it? I guess that's sort of nice, but I feel like a useless lazy prick if she did that for me and we don't live together.
I don't know man... maybe I'm complaining too much. Asking for more than I deserve.
But... talking with my mom immediately after Fola and I am struck by the differences between these two.
There's more warmth and compassion in my mother's pinkie than there is in Fola's entire body.
Maybe ... Maybe I'm not understanding something...
Live and let live... Maybe I'm holding her to a difficult to reach standard...
But then again.. I remember Georgina...
She had that warmth my mother has.
And I failed to appreciate it.
My mom liked her. Would've loved her had she been around her more.
Instead, I... failed.
Didn't.... put in the effort with that girl.
And... I'm putting in the effort with this one and I get stuff like "want to do a holotropic breathwork workshop?" at... 200$ a session when I'm fighting to get out of debt.
Now I'm just complaining and being bitter. Wishing my girlfriend was... more like someone else.
I don't know what to say about this anymore. Not sure what to do to make things better.
I've complained about poor communication a few weeks ago. Really went on a rant for two days about it to make sure she understood how important it was for me to know when she is on the way over to my place, and not to leave out important little details.
What happens? She comes over to my place and sits outside in her car for an hour. After telling me she was going to be there around 545pm. It was 7pm when I decided to say fuck it and leave the house.
Turns out she was on a "coaching call" that she didn't bother to tell me about. Didn't tell me when she was leaving her place either. So much for that 545pm date.
I get so frustrated with her.
... I don't know what else to write here.
I want my life to mean something. To matter.
And I don't think she is going to be able to assist me in doing it.
...
She's in six different directions all at once. Coaching calls, coaching sessions, witchcraft things, breathwork, podcasts, wanting to quit her job, not wanting to quit her job, wanting to move in, not wanting to move in.
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
My battery is low.
Off I go to sleep. Five more days to go before my days off.
Five more days.
It's been so long.
Almost a year and I took a call for an 11/3 shift up in Fort McMurray.
Talking about it with Fola prior to leaving, I had tears of bitterness roll down my cheek.
I don't want to be here. This is not the life that I desire to have.
I don't enjoy insulating anymore. Being at the mercy of the weather outside. The tight spots with hot pipes and burn hazards, tripping hazards, loud noises, evacuation alarms, and... all that paperwork to fill out for every single thing we do.
Want to use a harness? paperwork.
Working at heights? paperwork. Also, we need you to wear tool lanyards so you get extra annoyed with using tools attached to ropes that easily get tangled and doesn't stretch out far enough at times to do the task required.
Paperwork. Inconveniences. So much red tape.
Sometimes it takes a couple of hours for us to even begin starting a job.
I don't like it. Yesterday it was pouring rain and in the old days, they would send us home or people would elect to leave and go, but not this place because our company gets paid for us to be there so we are pressured and intimidated and shamed into staying no matter how bad the weather is.
My pants were soaked. Had a rainjacket, but it doesn't do anything to keep water out from my gloves or going down the back of my neck or soaking into my boots.
Anyways... I'm making money again. I've managed to stop the financial bleeding I've been experiencing these past few months.
Still need a lot more to cover my debts.
And... Yeah.. I guess I do deserve this. I... couldn't... find another job. I didn't even.. know what that other job could be, other than a peer support worker but.. it didn't show up in the job bank.
Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Not now, anyways.
And.. I'm looking at the title of this post and... I don't feel like typing out my grievances.
Change of heart. Yes, I'm playing with being more selfish. I'm tired at the end of each work day and could use a lift from my girlfriend which I don't feel I get.
I... feel like she's more interested in talking about herself and what she's doing instead of me.
So.. I'm not all of my usual eager and inquisitive self. Feels like I'm her therapist at times and... it can be draining.
I need to look out for myself. I have been seriously... putting more focus on my needs and wants. I have to envision a possible future with a girlfriend. Without Fola.
She talked about wanting to move in, but still hasn't. Doesn't even mention it, really. Just talks about needing to find a place despite knowing that I've offered her to stay in mine for over a year.
It would've really helped me financially.
We had a big fight about this a few weeks ago that I haven't discussed on my blog.
She asked me a few months ago "if I moved in, would it help you financially?" and of course I said it would.
But does she move in or make plans to move in? No.
Just another tease.
There's no... commitment here...
Apparently I live too far away for her to make the sacrifice of driving an extra 15-20 minutes,
Makes me feel special.
I'm being sarcastic, as you can probably tell.
I'm also exhausted. So much drama with this girl...
Like... our website. I told her I needed a break from it because I felt like I was doing most of the work. I told her it's her website too, and she should be able to work on it as well.
What happens? Since then, she's done nothing on it.
Admits it too. Blames her family for taking up too much of her time.
But, get this! She was able to do an hour long podcast with some friend of hers, work on her "You filled life" Facebook group, and has offered to volunteer at some spiritual care centre twice a month and a support group each week.
I'm not even...
It's such a joke.
She was so enthusiastic about our business, but the moment I needed a pause and for her to pick up some weight, she goes off and does other things.
No focus.
When I am struggling financially, she doesn't think to ask or assist in any way until I make it explicit.
I mean... how much money does she think I actually have if I have ZERO income coming in for nearly 4 months? My EI ran out in April.
... Maybe it's my fault for not stressing the severity of my situation enough.
I don't know...
But...
I'm exhausted.
I call her pet names to cheer her up. But when I call her, she answers with "hello" and doesn't seem to care about putting a smile to the tone of her voice.
Can't joke around with her all that well either.
I try and open up about certain things that happened during my day or to share deep thoughts with her and they often get glossed over or ignored.
And.. she'll say things like... "I thought you already ate" when I told her I...
Fuck it man... I'm not going to air out all my grievances with her.
I need to look out for myself. She is not going to strive to make my life better in any meaningful way.
She offered to do my laundry this Saturday but... that's not the kind of help I need from her.
I can do my own laundry. What does she think? That I'll sit on the couch playing video games while she does it? I guess that's sort of nice, but I feel like a useless lazy prick if she did that for me and we don't live together.
I don't know man... maybe I'm complaining too much. Asking for more than I deserve.
But... talking with my mom immediately after Fola and I am struck by the differences between these two.
There's more warmth and compassion in my mother's pinkie than there is in Fola's entire body.
Maybe ... Maybe I'm not understanding something...
Live and let live... Maybe I'm holding her to a difficult to reach standard...
But then again.. I remember Georgina...
She had that warmth my mother has.
And I failed to appreciate it.
My mom liked her. Would've loved her had she been around her more.
Instead, I... failed.
Didn't.... put in the effort with that girl.
And... I'm putting in the effort with this one and I get stuff like "want to do a holotropic breathwork workshop?" at... 200$ a session when I'm fighting to get out of debt.
Now I'm just complaining and being bitter. Wishing my girlfriend was... more like someone else.
I don't know what to say about this anymore. Not sure what to do to make things better.
I've complained about poor communication a few weeks ago. Really went on a rant for two days about it to make sure she understood how important it was for me to know when she is on the way over to my place, and not to leave out important little details.
What happens? She comes over to my place and sits outside in her car for an hour. After telling me she was going to be there around 545pm. It was 7pm when I decided to say fuck it and leave the house.
Turns out she was on a "coaching call" that she didn't bother to tell me about. Didn't tell me when she was leaving her place either. So much for that 545pm date.
I get so frustrated with her.
... I don't know what else to write here.
I want my life to mean something. To matter.
And I don't think she is going to be able to assist me in doing it.
...
She's in six different directions all at once. Coaching calls, coaching sessions, witchcraft things, breathwork, podcasts, wanting to quit her job, not wanting to quit her job, wanting to move in, not wanting to move in.
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
My battery is low.
Off I go to sleep. Five more days to go before my days off.
Five more days.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Standstill
Ugh. I've been feeling down for the past while. Just... not happy with myself or where I am going.
I'm still unemployed. Still... feeling defeated... And... I don't want to point fingers but I think I know what the cause of these feelings are.
And I don't know what to do about it.
My... writing has taken a beating these past couple of years. I have lost a lot of my passion for it. I sometimes struggle with putting words down and it's... it hurts remembering how much I enjoyed doing it and how much I dreamed about writing a book.
...
I'm... feeling like... I've lost myself and that I don't care. Or maybe that I've given up on fighting to reclaim my authenticity. That it's easier to pretend and dismiss and allow myself to get broken down without protest.
I just want peace. Happiness. Love in my life and I... I seem to be failing at it.
I can't seem to find peace. The only times when I feel genuinely at peace is when I'm either playing video games, or watching a good movie or... when I'm truly comfortable sitting by myself alone and undisturbed.
But... I don't... haven't been feeling at peace lately. Despite those things.
There's just this... avoidance... that I think I'm mistaking for peace. It's not really contentment. It's..
Distraction.
Maybe I'm fully depressed and hate myself but won't admit it. So... I distract myself.
That's likely it.
I don't want to talk about my relationship with Fola because it seems like that's all I've been doing on here. I feel chained by her. She... creates drama for no reason. I've noticed that when I'm at my happiest, she'll do or say something to tear it all down.
Over and over.
I have to be honest, I can't see a future with her. She likes to talk about us moving in together but has no road map of what that would look like. She said she doesn't want to move to the Fort and so... what options does that leave? Her reasoning is that Ivy is going to school in a place that is far away from where I am. But... she is still living with her sister and doesn't want to buy a house of her own.
Is she going to move out from there and rent a place? She said she looked into it, but that's all it is. No action taken. No real interest in doing so.
So, if she's not going to buy or rent a place and if she's not going to move into my home, then what?
It's a joke. And... I don't know what kind of mistake it would be if she did live with me.
I don't know anymore.
I... want to find my way back. To how I was once... but this woman makes it difficult.
It's the little things as well as the big ones. She'll be on my couch trying to catch a fly and not succeeding, but I do it and instead of her being impressed, she says "oh you killed it" which I admit I did do by accident.
Just making me feel like shit.
I ask her questions in texts that she doesn't answer. Ignores or just answers in a way that raises more questions. Last night she sent me a link asking me what my thoughts were on this MLM. She knows how much I dislike MLMs but doesn't explain why I am being sent this link.
I asked her if she thinks this MLM is a good idea. No response. I asked her where did she come across it. No answer.
She answers... but not the questions I asked.
I hate it.
Then I look at this link to see what it is. Looks like a MLM site that talks about MLMs and I sent her this long analysis of what I thought it was. Only... it was the wrong link she sent me. The link I had was an article about the MLM she was asking me about. Not the site of the actual MLM. All the article said was MLM made 5 million dollars or some such in revenue that month.
Wasted my time analyzing the site she had me on. All she had to do was send the URL for the MLM and not an article about it.
I'm not explaining this properly I guess.
I don't know how we're supposed to start a business together. I think it's going to be a mess. We're not going to get along. Case in point, regarding our biographical profiles on the site, I asked her if she thinks first person or third person is better. She wanted first person. Then, a week later, she listens to some podcast about coaching and the guy says that third person is best. So now she's all about wanting the bio to be written in third-person because this "expert" says so.
But guess what? Going onto his site, his bio is written in first-person. Talk about hypocrisy.
It's so much wasted time...
She's... going in circles... not really doing much. Listening to all this stuff but not explaining or remembering anything. It's just... "write your bio in third person" and she can't explain to me what the advantage is when I ask her why. It's just... a robot that isn't able to think for itself. Just parrots what other people says and ignores what I say. Ignores critical thinking altogether.
Same with that MLM she sent me. Why are you wasting my time with it? Are you interested in joining this MLM? What's so interesting about it? Is someone trying to recruit you?
She doesn't offer these answers to me. I have to basically interrogate her to find out what the situation is. And even then, she doesn't have an explanation for certain things. Why is she interested? Heck if I know. Apparently some friend of hers is in it and she forwarded that link over to Fola who thought for some reason that I needed to see (and analyze) it as well.
Despite the big fight we once had about her interest in Amway. It's like she isn't learning from past experience at all.
And... man... what a test this is. How do I remain autonomous and happy with myself when having to deal with all this? Is it possible? I imagine that removing myself completely is the easiest solution but is that what I need to do? Just run? Ignore?
Or have equanimity and tolerance and compassion and strength?
Maybe these are the things I need to develop for myself. To learn.
Despite the obstacles thrown in my way. The antagonism. The... small ways in which she hurts our relationship.
Her mood changes... I still don't know how to deal with those.
I...
I need more help with this. I can't do it on my own.
If I can't see a future with her then what am I doing staying involved?
Why am I putting up with all this drama? These false expectations?
Talking about moving in together but does nothing to make it happen.
Complains about her job despite how well it pays and how little she actually works.
And... the lack of empathy... Like, on the weekend I brought up Unbreakable which she said she isn't sure she's seen. We've wanted to watch Split together for a while, so she suggested we watch Unbreakable, Split and then Glass. So... I rent Glass for 7 bucks and she messes around with her phone ignoring the film. Then annoys me by taking videos of me in Snapchat while I'm trying to watch, having cat ears and whiskers superimposed on my face after my telling her that I didn't appreciate her doing so.
And... then she asks me why I am being annoyed and I have to explain in detail all the reasons why. It's... dumb. She seemed genuinely clueless as to why I am annoyed and then complains that I'm not being affectionate towards her afterwards, like somehow it's all my fault.
Look... I didn't pay 7 dollars of money that I don't have for you to goof around during a film that you said you wanted to watch. The other two movies we watched were fine and went well. But not this one. Maybe Glass is boring, but that's no reason to shit on my enjoyment of it by goofing around with the phone.
And her non-answers... "What are you doing?" I asked, watching her pick up the phone and fiddle with it. "Oh, just checking stuff on the phone"
I know she's "checking stuff" ... but what? Why is the movie being interrupted? Turns out she just wants to flick around in her Facebook feed for no reason.
Why can't she offer specifics? It bothers me that these non-answers happen so frequently.
It feels like I expend energy wasting my time with these questions. It's like I can't have my curiosity satisfied because she doesn't think I need to be indulged with an explanation or reason for anything. Same with that link she sent me about the MLM. No explanation or reason as to why it's sent. Just plop it on me with a "what do you think?" and of course, she has no thoughts of her own because she hasn't bothered to looking into it at all.
I don't get it.
I'm tired of all this.
Being in business with her.. God... that... I don't know, man. She wants to constantly put videos out. I just want to get the website done first. Let's focus on getting it running before we focus on what house to buy with our millions of dollars that we're going to make from this.
She's not a realist in the least. Just entitled and self-absorbed.
And she's my girlfriend.
My apparent soul mate or twin flame.
I don't know anymore what to do.
I need help.
I need to connect with myself again.
Help.
Help. Please.
I'm still unemployed. Still... feeling defeated... And... I don't want to point fingers but I think I know what the cause of these feelings are.
And I don't know what to do about it.
My... writing has taken a beating these past couple of years. I have lost a lot of my passion for it. I sometimes struggle with putting words down and it's... it hurts remembering how much I enjoyed doing it and how much I dreamed about writing a book.
...
I'm... feeling like... I've lost myself and that I don't care. Or maybe that I've given up on fighting to reclaim my authenticity. That it's easier to pretend and dismiss and allow myself to get broken down without protest.
I just want peace. Happiness. Love in my life and I... I seem to be failing at it.
I can't seem to find peace. The only times when I feel genuinely at peace is when I'm either playing video games, or watching a good movie or... when I'm truly comfortable sitting by myself alone and undisturbed.
But... I don't... haven't been feeling at peace lately. Despite those things.
There's just this... avoidance... that I think I'm mistaking for peace. It's not really contentment. It's..
Distraction.
Maybe I'm fully depressed and hate myself but won't admit it. So... I distract myself.
That's likely it.
I don't want to talk about my relationship with Fola because it seems like that's all I've been doing on here. I feel chained by her. She... creates drama for no reason. I've noticed that when I'm at my happiest, she'll do or say something to tear it all down.
Over and over.
I have to be honest, I can't see a future with her. She likes to talk about us moving in together but has no road map of what that would look like. She said she doesn't want to move to the Fort and so... what options does that leave? Her reasoning is that Ivy is going to school in a place that is far away from where I am. But... she is still living with her sister and doesn't want to buy a house of her own.
Is she going to move out from there and rent a place? She said she looked into it, but that's all it is. No action taken. No real interest in doing so.
So, if she's not going to buy or rent a place and if she's not going to move into my home, then what?
It's a joke. And... I don't know what kind of mistake it would be if she did live with me.
I don't know anymore.
I... want to find my way back. To how I was once... but this woman makes it difficult.
It's the little things as well as the big ones. She'll be on my couch trying to catch a fly and not succeeding, but I do it and instead of her being impressed, she says "oh you killed it" which I admit I did do by accident.
Just making me feel like shit.
I ask her questions in texts that she doesn't answer. Ignores or just answers in a way that raises more questions. Last night she sent me a link asking me what my thoughts were on this MLM. She knows how much I dislike MLMs but doesn't explain why I am being sent this link.
I asked her if she thinks this MLM is a good idea. No response. I asked her where did she come across it. No answer.
She answers... but not the questions I asked.
I hate it.
Then I look at this link to see what it is. Looks like a MLM site that talks about MLMs and I sent her this long analysis of what I thought it was. Only... it was the wrong link she sent me. The link I had was an article about the MLM she was asking me about. Not the site of the actual MLM. All the article said was MLM made 5 million dollars or some such in revenue that month.
Wasted my time analyzing the site she had me on. All she had to do was send the URL for the MLM and not an article about it.
I'm not explaining this properly I guess.
I don't know how we're supposed to start a business together. I think it's going to be a mess. We're not going to get along. Case in point, regarding our biographical profiles on the site, I asked her if she thinks first person or third person is better. She wanted first person. Then, a week later, she listens to some podcast about coaching and the guy says that third person is best. So now she's all about wanting the bio to be written in third-person because this "expert" says so.
But guess what? Going onto his site, his bio is written in first-person. Talk about hypocrisy.
It's so much wasted time...
She's... going in circles... not really doing much. Listening to all this stuff but not explaining or remembering anything. It's just... "write your bio in third person" and she can't explain to me what the advantage is when I ask her why. It's just... a robot that isn't able to think for itself. Just parrots what other people says and ignores what I say. Ignores critical thinking altogether.
Same with that MLM she sent me. Why are you wasting my time with it? Are you interested in joining this MLM? What's so interesting about it? Is someone trying to recruit you?
She doesn't offer these answers to me. I have to basically interrogate her to find out what the situation is. And even then, she doesn't have an explanation for certain things. Why is she interested? Heck if I know. Apparently some friend of hers is in it and she forwarded that link over to Fola who thought for some reason that I needed to see (and analyze) it as well.
Despite the big fight we once had about her interest in Amway. It's like she isn't learning from past experience at all.
And... man... what a test this is. How do I remain autonomous and happy with myself when having to deal with all this? Is it possible? I imagine that removing myself completely is the easiest solution but is that what I need to do? Just run? Ignore?
Or have equanimity and tolerance and compassion and strength?
Maybe these are the things I need to develop for myself. To learn.
Despite the obstacles thrown in my way. The antagonism. The... small ways in which she hurts our relationship.
Her mood changes... I still don't know how to deal with those.
I...
I need more help with this. I can't do it on my own.
If I can't see a future with her then what am I doing staying involved?
Why am I putting up with all this drama? These false expectations?
Talking about moving in together but does nothing to make it happen.
Complains about her job despite how well it pays and how little she actually works.
And... the lack of empathy... Like, on the weekend I brought up Unbreakable which she said she isn't sure she's seen. We've wanted to watch Split together for a while, so she suggested we watch Unbreakable, Split and then Glass. So... I rent Glass for 7 bucks and she messes around with her phone ignoring the film. Then annoys me by taking videos of me in Snapchat while I'm trying to watch, having cat ears and whiskers superimposed on my face after my telling her that I didn't appreciate her doing so.
And... then she asks me why I am being annoyed and I have to explain in detail all the reasons why. It's... dumb. She seemed genuinely clueless as to why I am annoyed and then complains that I'm not being affectionate towards her afterwards, like somehow it's all my fault.
Look... I didn't pay 7 dollars of money that I don't have for you to goof around during a film that you said you wanted to watch. The other two movies we watched were fine and went well. But not this one. Maybe Glass is boring, but that's no reason to shit on my enjoyment of it by goofing around with the phone.
And her non-answers... "What are you doing?" I asked, watching her pick up the phone and fiddle with it. "Oh, just checking stuff on the phone"
I know she's "checking stuff" ... but what? Why is the movie being interrupted? Turns out she just wants to flick around in her Facebook feed for no reason.
Why can't she offer specifics? It bothers me that these non-answers happen so frequently.
It feels like I expend energy wasting my time with these questions. It's like I can't have my curiosity satisfied because she doesn't think I need to be indulged with an explanation or reason for anything. Same with that link she sent me about the MLM. No explanation or reason as to why it's sent. Just plop it on me with a "what do you think?" and of course, she has no thoughts of her own because she hasn't bothered to looking into it at all.
I don't get it.
I'm tired of all this.
Being in business with her.. God... that... I don't know, man. She wants to constantly put videos out. I just want to get the website done first. Let's focus on getting it running before we focus on what house to buy with our millions of dollars that we're going to make from this.
She's not a realist in the least. Just entitled and self-absorbed.
And she's my girlfriend.
My apparent soul mate or twin flame.
I don't know anymore what to do.
I need help.
I need to connect with myself again.
Help.
Help. Please.
Friday, July 12, 2019
Isolation
Hello blog, me again, figured I should type out a few things.
Fola is on day... five of a ten day Vissapana meditation retreat. She's not allowed to use her phone while there, so that means total and utter silence from her.
I don't get to see or hear from her for 10 days.
Strangely, there is a bit of liberation in all this. I feel freed but also somewhat imprisoned. What I mean is that its like I'm more in a prison of my own making, despite the many distractions Fola provides, I'm now left to my own devices and I feel strangely... alone and shackled.
I suppose I should be rejoicing about having a break to find myself. To pursue whatever it is I want to do but all I seem to be doing is playing a lot of video games and hanging out at the park.
Not fun. Very aimless and... unfocused. There is not much in the way of personal progress as much as I would have liked.
Just did my tax return. A balance of 6 grand is coming in which will pay my property taxes and give me a bit of money left over for surviving. And that is what it is right now as I am unemployed for nearly a year. Surviving.
I don't know where to go or what to do with my life. I don't want to insulate but that doesn't matter anyways as there isn't any work in the union hall that I could apply for. There was a call last week that I tried to get but it was filled and I couldn't get in.
I am realizing that my life is sliding into nothingness. Just stagnant and unchanging and not... attempting to move forward. I blamed Fola for this in the past as she was distracting me and crippled my motivation due to her emotional antics. Just before she left she told me about how a friend of hers called her up and suggested she organize a retreat for some YouTuber in Britian who would come here to present on topics such as consciousness... and, thats all I really know. She didn't even see what this guy is like or gave any reason to be excited about this particular idea and yet she was. Really excited. "This will be a good opportunity for us!" and yet... doesn't explain why and hasn't even THOUGHT about the costs involved and the work required for such an undertaking. Just flying that guy in from the UK is going to be a few thousand bucks. How is such an expense going to be recouped? Will people here buy tickets to see some guy (apparently he has 50k+ subscribers on his channel) talk about consciousness and spirituality?
Then there is the problem of organizing. Booking a place for him to speak is going to cost money. His flight is going to cost money. Marketing/advertising is going to cost money. Is she seriously thinking that this is a good opportunity for us to pursue?
A part of me is screaming to let her go off and do whatever she wants. For her to learn from her mistakes and wash my hands free of this mess. I do not want to be saddled with having to become a planner or accessory to this scheme of hers. This is on top of her wanting to start a business together, on top of her already having a business (which made less than a few hundred bucks last year, unreported income) and... she was talking about this app some colleagues of hers want to design, which again would cost thousands of dollars and much effort to do.
Oh, and the "workshop" she wants us to create for Sundra Healing. Which by the way, she can't seem to be able to put together. That is in spite of the many ideas I've given her regarding it. I was initially excited at the challenge and gave her an idea of how to do it, but she didn't like my idea, or the other ideas since and so it continues to remain in limbo.
Last year we fought about her being recruited by Amway. She was going to drive down to Calgary because a friend of hers suggested she should.
I think her... sense of logic and business and... ambition is completely unrealistic and delusional.
There is some hope with the business that I've come up with, though. An online spiritual mentorship/coaching site. It's a good idea with a good concept and yet, that too is in limbo at the moment as I haven't worked on it in a few weeks.
My day to day life is uninteresting and uninspired. I feel sensations within me at random hours of the day. I KNOW it has something to do with her being at the retreat. I can't deny that I'm feeling certain things in her absence knowing that it is connected to her and whatever it is she is doing/thinking (likely meditating).
And that is really something that she is doing. Ten days of no phone or distractions to meditate almost all day long. She gets up at 4am. Goes to bed around 10pm. In between are two meal breaks and a bit of alone time. I wonder how she is doing. Initially I resisted her jumping impulsively into doing this but perhaps it will make a difference in how she is afterwards.
Maybe she will be more self-aware and thoughtful and less impulsive afterwards.
A part of me is wondering how she will feel after. Such as her feelings towards me in particular. Will she "love" me more or less? Before she left she said she hoped this retreat will aid in her letting go of things that no longer serve her. I had the thought that maybe it would include me, assuming she comes about to thinking that I'm not in alignment with her impulsive goals and ideas.
We had a bit of an argument before she left about this retreat idea. I hate that when I raise an objection that she takes it as an attack and becomes defensive and unwilling to engage with me logically. Really, why is this retreat a good opportunity for us? I would be VERY surprised if we could break even on the costs. Never mind making a profit.
Those ideas of hers... It's like she doesn't want to follow my lead but also does. She wants veto power. She wants easy and effortless and exciting and...
Fuck, man. These things take work. They take focus and concentration and idea generation and things that she doesn't seem to have. Fiscal responsibility and management... I mean, I am willing to help with all these things but she dismisses them. When I brought up the objection I had about this retreat idea saying how much it would all cost (minimum), she said it would "potentially cost thousands of dollars", acknowledging what I said but not providing any reason to believe that this would be a successful venture.
The more I think about her the more troubled I get. And yet... despite the co-dependancy and disrespect and... thoughtlessness... I still have feelings for her and I still feel these strange sensations in my chest which I think might be credited towards her. Or something that is of divine origin.
I don't like accepting this but accept it I must. I know it's wishful thinking to think she is my "twin flame" but there really is something going on with us that needs to be seen to it's rightful conclusion. I can't deny that at all. No matter how rational I am about it. There is something profound governing our relationship and I've seen and experienced so much that points towards this fact. Almost like it was "designed" and certain situations are set up so that certain lessons are learned.
It's bananas. I am basically believing in determinism. What it feels most like right now is that all this was designed before our birth, outside of linear time, and all these events have been constructed so that certain emotions/struggles/insecurities are brought to light in... I guess... for the reason of transcending or learning from them to become better individuals.
And honestly it feels like we are failing. Although if I truly believe in this manufactured "destiny" between us, it should also mean that this is exactly how everything needs to be.
And again... I've seen plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the case. That everything IS unfolding exactly as it needs to.
My battery died and this post showed up. Guess I'll publish it though it's unfinished.
Fola is on day... five of a ten day Vissapana meditation retreat. She's not allowed to use her phone while there, so that means total and utter silence from her.
I don't get to see or hear from her for 10 days.
Strangely, there is a bit of liberation in all this. I feel freed but also somewhat imprisoned. What I mean is that its like I'm more in a prison of my own making, despite the many distractions Fola provides, I'm now left to my own devices and I feel strangely... alone and shackled.
I suppose I should be rejoicing about having a break to find myself. To pursue whatever it is I want to do but all I seem to be doing is playing a lot of video games and hanging out at the park.
Not fun. Very aimless and... unfocused. There is not much in the way of personal progress as much as I would have liked.
Just did my tax return. A balance of 6 grand is coming in which will pay my property taxes and give me a bit of money left over for surviving. And that is what it is right now as I am unemployed for nearly a year. Surviving.
I don't know where to go or what to do with my life. I don't want to insulate but that doesn't matter anyways as there isn't any work in the union hall that I could apply for. There was a call last week that I tried to get but it was filled and I couldn't get in.
I am realizing that my life is sliding into nothingness. Just stagnant and unchanging and not... attempting to move forward. I blamed Fola for this in the past as she was distracting me and crippled my motivation due to her emotional antics. Just before she left she told me about how a friend of hers called her up and suggested she organize a retreat for some YouTuber in Britian who would come here to present on topics such as consciousness... and, thats all I really know. She didn't even see what this guy is like or gave any reason to be excited about this particular idea and yet she was. Really excited. "This will be a good opportunity for us!" and yet... doesn't explain why and hasn't even THOUGHT about the costs involved and the work required for such an undertaking. Just flying that guy in from the UK is going to be a few thousand bucks. How is such an expense going to be recouped? Will people here buy tickets to see some guy (apparently he has 50k+ subscribers on his channel) talk about consciousness and spirituality?
Then there is the problem of organizing. Booking a place for him to speak is going to cost money. His flight is going to cost money. Marketing/advertising is going to cost money. Is she seriously thinking that this is a good opportunity for us to pursue?
A part of me is screaming to let her go off and do whatever she wants. For her to learn from her mistakes and wash my hands free of this mess. I do not want to be saddled with having to become a planner or accessory to this scheme of hers. This is on top of her wanting to start a business together, on top of her already having a business (which made less than a few hundred bucks last year, unreported income) and... she was talking about this app some colleagues of hers want to design, which again would cost thousands of dollars and much effort to do.
Oh, and the "workshop" she wants us to create for Sundra Healing. Which by the way, she can't seem to be able to put together. That is in spite of the many ideas I've given her regarding it. I was initially excited at the challenge and gave her an idea of how to do it, but she didn't like my idea, or the other ideas since and so it continues to remain in limbo.
Last year we fought about her being recruited by Amway. She was going to drive down to Calgary because a friend of hers suggested she should.
I think her... sense of logic and business and... ambition is completely unrealistic and delusional.
There is some hope with the business that I've come up with, though. An online spiritual mentorship/coaching site. It's a good idea with a good concept and yet, that too is in limbo at the moment as I haven't worked on it in a few weeks.
My day to day life is uninteresting and uninspired. I feel sensations within me at random hours of the day. I KNOW it has something to do with her being at the retreat. I can't deny that I'm feeling certain things in her absence knowing that it is connected to her and whatever it is she is doing/thinking (likely meditating).
And that is really something that she is doing. Ten days of no phone or distractions to meditate almost all day long. She gets up at 4am. Goes to bed around 10pm. In between are two meal breaks and a bit of alone time. I wonder how she is doing. Initially I resisted her jumping impulsively into doing this but perhaps it will make a difference in how she is afterwards.
Maybe she will be more self-aware and thoughtful and less impulsive afterwards.
A part of me is wondering how she will feel after. Such as her feelings towards me in particular. Will she "love" me more or less? Before she left she said she hoped this retreat will aid in her letting go of things that no longer serve her. I had the thought that maybe it would include me, assuming she comes about to thinking that I'm not in alignment with her impulsive goals and ideas.
We had a bit of an argument before she left about this retreat idea. I hate that when I raise an objection that she takes it as an attack and becomes defensive and unwilling to engage with me logically. Really, why is this retreat a good opportunity for us? I would be VERY surprised if we could break even on the costs. Never mind making a profit.
Those ideas of hers... It's like she doesn't want to follow my lead but also does. She wants veto power. She wants easy and effortless and exciting and...
Fuck, man. These things take work. They take focus and concentration and idea generation and things that she doesn't seem to have. Fiscal responsibility and management... I mean, I am willing to help with all these things but she dismisses them. When I brought up the objection I had about this retreat idea saying how much it would all cost (minimum), she said it would "potentially cost thousands of dollars", acknowledging what I said but not providing any reason to believe that this would be a successful venture.
The more I think about her the more troubled I get. And yet... despite the co-dependancy and disrespect and... thoughtlessness... I still have feelings for her and I still feel these strange sensations in my chest which I think might be credited towards her. Or something that is of divine origin.
I don't like accepting this but accept it I must. I know it's wishful thinking to think she is my "twin flame" but there really is something going on with us that needs to be seen to it's rightful conclusion. I can't deny that at all. No matter how rational I am about it. There is something profound governing our relationship and I've seen and experienced so much that points towards this fact. Almost like it was "designed" and certain situations are set up so that certain lessons are learned.
It's bananas. I am basically believing in determinism. What it feels most like right now is that all this was designed before our birth, outside of linear time, and all these events have been constructed so that certain emotions/struggles/insecurities are brought to light in... I guess... for the reason of transcending or learning from them to become better individuals.
And honestly it feels like we are failing. Although if I truly believe in this manufactured "destiny" between us, it should also mean that this is exactly how everything needs to be.
And again... I've seen plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the case. That everything IS unfolding exactly as it needs to.
My battery died and this post showed up. Guess I'll publish it though it's unfinished.
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Re-Run
Had to read my last post before posting this one because I wasn't sure if I mentioned Cuba already. It's been so long and I'm surprised my sense of time is off and that it's only been a few weeks.
I... am ashamed of that last post. Reading it felt alien to me. This admission of terrible vulnerability and uncertainty and... calling Cuba an inspiration which lasted such a short amount of time.
A meaningful page each day... I keep telling myself to do things and they aren't happening. Would rather distract myself with meaningless things. I've noticed this earlier about myself and it's something I'm trying hard to be mindful of. This... reaching out to anything that takes my mind off of reality. Sex, tv shows, movies, video games, books... the stock market.
Anything. And time... feels like it's zipping by and I don't have much to show for it.
Yesterday I was productive and did a lot of work on the website that Fola and I are starting. It earned me some mild kudos, I suppose, but truthfully it didn't feel like she was all that enthusiastic about the amount of work I was putting in. She did like a few things I done, but overall, I hardly feel encouraged to really give it my best effort.
And I should. Why am I dawdling? Don't I think that starting a mentorship business would be good for me? For us?
I don't know.
Part of me is wondering how it's going to go with Fola as a business "partner" and that part of me is cringing, knowing all the arguments and disagreements we've gone through. There's very little we see eye to eye on and there most likely will be a situation that will demand a compromise, in which she is not going to agree with or work towards. Effectively, her calling all the shots.
I know I like having control over these things but I also know that I try to be reasonable and to find solutions we can agree upon. With her though, I don't have much confidence in resolving situations that could be challenging.
Think about if we had kids... challenging situations for a man who is hearing-impaired and unsure about the direction his life needs to go in? Kids would make it 3x worse.
Or better. I don't know.
Best maybe to not find out.
Then again, I was telling Fola about my time in school growing up. I had always needed to rise to the occasion whenever my marks were slipping or a teacher expresses doubt about a particular thing I've done or need to be doing. It felt like I've had to deal with adversity and surprised a few people here and there while having to do so.
Today was interesting. Ran into Carlos near Tim Horton's in the morning and chatted with him for a bit. He said he moved to the Fort from Bruderheim and told me his address. Went to check it out and then hung out in an isolated area for a few minutes. He shows up again. Almost like I've got a transponder placed by him onto my vehicle.
He then invites me into his house and says he's going to roll a joint. His dog is named Mopar, and the place is fairly run down and recently-moved in. Lots of boxes to be unpacked and most of them were car-related things. Like, remote-controlled cars of which he had thousands of dollars worth.
I don't know... I felt kind of sad seeing all this. Here is a man that is wanting to make a connection with me and I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. I keep running into him and it seems fated for me to hang out, but...
I don't know. Seems like I'm afraid or not interested in having a deep connection with a stranger/friend/other guy/etc.
The reason why I'm introspective like this, is because I got high and barely made it home without freaking out at the buzz I was feeling. It got intense towards the end of the drive. Nicotine sure added fuel to the crazy mind-spinning sensation I had going for a few minutes. Glad I was able to drive safely and keep it together.
Now what... I'm writing on my blog... should finish my taxes and work on that website some more but I'm resisting it. Had some epiphanies about the direction my life is heading and I can't say I feel inspired by them. An ignorant demoralization seems about as best as I can describe. I thought about Fola and Ivy and moving in and how my mom doesn't seem happy about her being my girlfriend and I thought of her crazy parents and...
There's so much to deal with. So much drama.
No wonder I want to keep distracting myself. No wonder I feel demoralized at having to deal with all this.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can handle what's on my plate.
And there's not all that much on it.
I feel like an insolent spoiled child and I give in to moments of shame about it.
I can talk about what I should and shouldn't be doing right now but... the fact is that it is so difficult for me to focus on any of these things. I don't understand why that is. An erosion of confidence is about my best guess.
Erosion of faith. Lack of connection with who I am and what my potential is.
Not really moving towards anything. Despite the work I did on the website yesterday, those hours felt small and insignificant, though I know that they weren't.
For years I've wanted to write a book... And... I'm stopped dead in my tracks. Can't seem to muster the excitement and energy to do so, Feels like... nobody would care even if I did write it.
If my girlfriend hasn't asked me about my writing for over a year, why should I take her seriously now? She didn't care then and she is only pretending to care. That's... not being supportive.
And we had a tiny fight this morning as she left my place. I pulled out a coupon from the book she gave me for Christmas and decided I wanted dinner at my favourite restaurant. I decided on Pampa and she immediately complained about how I picked an expensive one.
Not much of a girlfriend there. Yes, Pampa is somewhat expensive and yet, the food is incredibly good. I don't go there often which is why I wanted to use the card as a reason to.
She apologized later for saying it like that, but still... damage is done. Hard to feel loved by her at times when her initial reaction is often the truest one. Everything after is a smokescreen.
I'm pretty torn about her and our relationship. It feels like I can't get comfortable with it at times, and I also feel like it's within my ability to get comfortable and to make it work.
But, I have to feel like she's wanting to make it work too. Trying her best.
Maybe she is. Although "best" is cliched and overused and has lost a lot of it's meaning.
I don't know... Feels like I'm suffering from a weakened connection with my spirit as well. With spirit in general. That has sustained me for a while and now it feels.. distant....
I still pray... but... I wished I prayed with more of a heart. Not this obligatory "our Father" that gets put out there like a script and a brief amount of "thank you" and thought afterwards before shutting it down and going to sleep. I'd like for it to mean more than it does.
I want it to be like it used to. Magical. Meaningful. Nourishing.
Not an obligation.
I suppose there is something to be said for loyalty, but there's something to be said for taking such a flippant approach to my connection with God.
I think it all comes and goes in waves.
I don't want to wait until I hit the bottom to really want to feel that connection and work my way towards deepening it. I want that connection now. In my good times and bad and in-between.
Not just when things are tough and confusing and uncertain.
These video games and distractions... ugh. I know Fola is going to call me in a half hour and ask me about this guy and what did I do today. I can't say much other than "this guy got me high and I fell asleep listening to music then got up, played some Battlefront and wrote a post on my blog".
That's not anything admirable or indicative of progress. Is it?
It's raining outside and... well.. it's gloomy. Planned on working on my garden today but that's not happening.
I need to lose weight. Need to find a job. Tried applying for one from the hall last week but it got filled and I didn't get it.
And... Carlos is wanting me to come over after work. But I don't feel like it. Would rather stay home.
Well...
Back to how everything is.
I... am ashamed of that last post. Reading it felt alien to me. This admission of terrible vulnerability and uncertainty and... calling Cuba an inspiration which lasted such a short amount of time.
A meaningful page each day... I keep telling myself to do things and they aren't happening. Would rather distract myself with meaningless things. I've noticed this earlier about myself and it's something I'm trying hard to be mindful of. This... reaching out to anything that takes my mind off of reality. Sex, tv shows, movies, video games, books... the stock market.
Anything. And time... feels like it's zipping by and I don't have much to show for it.
Yesterday I was productive and did a lot of work on the website that Fola and I are starting. It earned me some mild kudos, I suppose, but truthfully it didn't feel like she was all that enthusiastic about the amount of work I was putting in. She did like a few things I done, but overall, I hardly feel encouraged to really give it my best effort.
And I should. Why am I dawdling? Don't I think that starting a mentorship business would be good for me? For us?
I don't know.
Part of me is wondering how it's going to go with Fola as a business "partner" and that part of me is cringing, knowing all the arguments and disagreements we've gone through. There's very little we see eye to eye on and there most likely will be a situation that will demand a compromise, in which she is not going to agree with or work towards. Effectively, her calling all the shots.
I know I like having control over these things but I also know that I try to be reasonable and to find solutions we can agree upon. With her though, I don't have much confidence in resolving situations that could be challenging.
Think about if we had kids... challenging situations for a man who is hearing-impaired and unsure about the direction his life needs to go in? Kids would make it 3x worse.
Or better. I don't know.
Best maybe to not find out.
Then again, I was telling Fola about my time in school growing up. I had always needed to rise to the occasion whenever my marks were slipping or a teacher expresses doubt about a particular thing I've done or need to be doing. It felt like I've had to deal with adversity and surprised a few people here and there while having to do so.
Today was interesting. Ran into Carlos near Tim Horton's in the morning and chatted with him for a bit. He said he moved to the Fort from Bruderheim and told me his address. Went to check it out and then hung out in an isolated area for a few minutes. He shows up again. Almost like I've got a transponder placed by him onto my vehicle.
He then invites me into his house and says he's going to roll a joint. His dog is named Mopar, and the place is fairly run down and recently-moved in. Lots of boxes to be unpacked and most of them were car-related things. Like, remote-controlled cars of which he had thousands of dollars worth.
I don't know... I felt kind of sad seeing all this. Here is a man that is wanting to make a connection with me and I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. I keep running into him and it seems fated for me to hang out, but...
I don't know. Seems like I'm afraid or not interested in having a deep connection with a stranger/friend/other guy/etc.
The reason why I'm introspective like this, is because I got high and barely made it home without freaking out at the buzz I was feeling. It got intense towards the end of the drive. Nicotine sure added fuel to the crazy mind-spinning sensation I had going for a few minutes. Glad I was able to drive safely and keep it together.
Now what... I'm writing on my blog... should finish my taxes and work on that website some more but I'm resisting it. Had some epiphanies about the direction my life is heading and I can't say I feel inspired by them. An ignorant demoralization seems about as best as I can describe. I thought about Fola and Ivy and moving in and how my mom doesn't seem happy about her being my girlfriend and I thought of her crazy parents and...
There's so much to deal with. So much drama.
No wonder I want to keep distracting myself. No wonder I feel demoralized at having to deal with all this.
Sometimes I don't feel like I can handle what's on my plate.
And there's not all that much on it.
I feel like an insolent spoiled child and I give in to moments of shame about it.
I can talk about what I should and shouldn't be doing right now but... the fact is that it is so difficult for me to focus on any of these things. I don't understand why that is. An erosion of confidence is about my best guess.
Erosion of faith. Lack of connection with who I am and what my potential is.
Not really moving towards anything. Despite the work I did on the website yesterday, those hours felt small and insignificant, though I know that they weren't.
For years I've wanted to write a book... And... I'm stopped dead in my tracks. Can't seem to muster the excitement and energy to do so, Feels like... nobody would care even if I did write it.
If my girlfriend hasn't asked me about my writing for over a year, why should I take her seriously now? She didn't care then and she is only pretending to care. That's... not being supportive.
And we had a tiny fight this morning as she left my place. I pulled out a coupon from the book she gave me for Christmas and decided I wanted dinner at my favourite restaurant. I decided on Pampa and she immediately complained about how I picked an expensive one.
Not much of a girlfriend there. Yes, Pampa is somewhat expensive and yet, the food is incredibly good. I don't go there often which is why I wanted to use the card as a reason to.
She apologized later for saying it like that, but still... damage is done. Hard to feel loved by her at times when her initial reaction is often the truest one. Everything after is a smokescreen.
I'm pretty torn about her and our relationship. It feels like I can't get comfortable with it at times, and I also feel like it's within my ability to get comfortable and to make it work.
But, I have to feel like she's wanting to make it work too. Trying her best.
Maybe she is. Although "best" is cliched and overused and has lost a lot of it's meaning.
I don't know... Feels like I'm suffering from a weakened connection with my spirit as well. With spirit in general. That has sustained me for a while and now it feels.. distant....
I still pray... but... I wished I prayed with more of a heart. Not this obligatory "our Father" that gets put out there like a script and a brief amount of "thank you" and thought afterwards before shutting it down and going to sleep. I'd like for it to mean more than it does.
I want it to be like it used to. Magical. Meaningful. Nourishing.
Not an obligation.
I suppose there is something to be said for loyalty, but there's something to be said for taking such a flippant approach to my connection with God.
I think it all comes and goes in waves.
I don't want to wait until I hit the bottom to really want to feel that connection and work my way towards deepening it. I want that connection now. In my good times and bad and in-between.
Not just when things are tough and confusing and uncertain.
These video games and distractions... ugh. I know Fola is going to call me in a half hour and ask me about this guy and what did I do today. I can't say much other than "this guy got me high and I fell asleep listening to music then got up, played some Battlefront and wrote a post on my blog".
That's not anything admirable or indicative of progress. Is it?
It's raining outside and... well.. it's gloomy. Planned on working on my garden today but that's not happening.
I need to lose weight. Need to find a job. Tried applying for one from the hall last week but it got filled and I didn't get it.
And... Carlos is wanting me to come over after work. But I don't feel like it. Would rather stay home.
Well...
Back to how everything is.
Monday, April 29, 2019
The Inevitable Return
We're back from Cuba and boy, was it something.
A part of me feared it would be awkward. That there would be something along the lines of the Arizona trip where we'd fight or get angry at something and a big show would be made of it.
Thankfully, it only happened once, and it was resolved fairly quickly. Thanks to Fola and her sincere desire to put her ego aside and make peace.
It was decadent. Every day was unlimited food and unlimited drinks. Well, every day except for Thursday which was when we went with a tour group to Havana. Had ham and cheese sandwiches and a basic dinner, both of which were quite good, despite how low-cost the food was.
Cappucinos every day. Multiple times per day. Pina Coladas like a gushing spring in the ground bubbling up. I wasn't used to it and even on the last day, I still felt odd about how everything was all-inclusive.
And the trip to Havana was sobering. Cuba is such a poor country that I felt... this threat of ignorant entitlement lurking beyond the peripherals of my senses. There was this feeling of being an entitled tourist who gets to enjoy all the food and drink and beauty of Cuba without any of the drawbacks. There was none of the poverty in our resort which we saw copious amounts of on our drive to the city.
Fola had a conversation with our tour guide asking her what the rate of depression was in the country. Was there a lot of people with mental illnesses? She mentioned how Canada has 1 in 5 people suffering from a disorder and the tour guide shook her head saying that depression and mental issues was rare to find in this country. Despite the impoverished conditions. I found that to be quite enlightening and interesting to hear.
Despite the people living under such scarcity, they were happy. I could see the interconnectedness of all things as we toured about. How people were more connected to the environment and to each other. Firmly entrenched in the reality of their lives. There was little illusion about their purpose and meaning in life. For them, relationships and family were of the utmost importance. To them, simplicity and lack of material possessions merely brought about a humility that is absent from Western culture. It was inspiring to see such dignity in most of the people we saw walking around the street, outside their homes drinking among friends and working on their houses or in the fields.
And... now that I am back, I look at all this as a delusion. This... bubble of entitlement that we are all under the spell of. This consumption-oriented culture that demands fulfillment through money and status. Nice homes. Nice cars. Well-paying job and prestige. Taking vacations yearly to countries where we are lavished and treated like royalty.
We all want to be kings and queens in the west. Sometimes we arrogantly bring this attitude to other countries and demand the treatment that we aspire towards back home, with none of the hard work that often gives such reward for the prestige we greatly desire to obtain.
It feels strange for me to watch TV again. Tried watching Game of Thrones last night and couldn't finish it. Didn't have much interest. Tried watching season 2 of Cobra Kai, and felt my interest waning in the idea of sitting in front of a square in which images and sound are shown to me. It feels so superficial and ignorant of the reality in which we live. A culture of opportunity and blessings conferred to those that embrace it fully without falling into the trap of entitlement and delusion.
The reality is that we don't need to constantly strive for riches and to indulge our materialism. We need only to consider such gains as byproducts of living an authentic life that is rooted in humility. Such rewards mirrors the feeling one has while running a marathon. It is not the finish line that should excite and entertain us. It is the doing, itself.
It is the present moment. The here and now and not the future. Nor the past. It is the momentum of moving consciously from minute to minute and being appreciative of all that we have and who we are as individuals. Our sense of identity is integrated with the people around us. It does not exist inside of a bubble separate from everything else.
I've known and wanted this for a while. To feel connected and accepted and happy with who I am and where I fit in. But it's hard to realize such an attitude when one is struggling to find their place. To really feel like a part of a machine that is benevolent and generous and full of joy and wonder. I don't think western culture promotes unity in the same way it does in poorer countries. In those places, isolationism is a death wish. People cannot live without people. Period.
That was my biggest takeaway from the trip. I did have a lot of fun. Met some very nice people. A couple from England who both wore hearing aids and almost all of the Cubans we met were proud and noble and very grounded in their sense of self.
And... the connection I was having with Fola was strong at times. I don't know how much of it is going to change our relationship from here on out, but over there, we had our moments of bonding and coming to understand each other more.
It's funny how after two years together, we still have trouble figuring out who we each are. On the level of the individual and the relationship. Our needs and wants and moods are in a constant state of unpredictability and confusion. But, we are getting better as we go along. Learning more and more each day. About ourselves and each other.
Today is a new day. I felt strange looking at the stock market this morning. It doesn't feel right to have to place so much importance on the money I'm trying to make on there. And I'm not making very much. Not enough to feel inspired by. Just... barely keeping my head above water. Finances are rough. There is no work at the union hall. I have to... find a way to generate income without insulating.
And soon.
But, I don't know how, yet. Or with what type of work. My hearing is terrible. I can't communicate well with others enough to integrate myself into whatever job I may end up doing. And if it is a new job that requires frequent listening and communicating, I'm going to have a difficult time of it.
It is hard to feel confident when I can barely hold a conversation without straining to understand what is being said. And if it is at a job that requires me to respond to orders; I'm going to have a difficult time with that as well. Particularly if I cannot predict what my duties are to be.
That is why I suppose I like being in control. I don't like unpredictability because I want a routine that I can turn my brain off and perform without having to constantly react and pivot. It scares me somewhat, to be involved in something like customer service for example, where I would have to frequently talk to people and respond to what they're saying. I don't think I am able to do this with enough competency. It frightens me at times.
And... so, I must look for work that limits the amount of interactions I have throughout the day. A job that I can be left to my own devices where I am given autonomy and full responsibility for my performance. Something static and repetitive without any surprises.
So, I must be mindful of this as I move forward. Looking for work that is rote and predictable and within my ability to perform. I don't know what this is yet. I hope to figure out what it may be.
I liked working on an assembly line. I'm reminded of my time at IPSCO where I worked as a hydrotester. I didn't have to answer to anybody. My day was routine and predictable and enjoyed.
I don't like surprises when it comes to work. I don't feel confident in responding to them.
So... this has to be kept in mind.
With that said, it is a new day and a new chapter in my life.
I must be brave enough to write a meaningful page each day. To do something that moves me forward and not keep me stuck in the same place.
Which is what I feel right now. Stuck.
I must move. Establish myself. Cultivate faith.
Work towards becoming a better person and to find my place in this world.
To serve others and myself. To the best of my ability.
I pray for this to happen because it needs to. There is no other option.
Grow and evolve.
Or languish in uncertainty.
I know there is a path designed for me in this life. A destiny to realize. Something that was destined to be.
I must realize it.
Thank you Cuba.
You are an inspiration.
A part of me feared it would be awkward. That there would be something along the lines of the Arizona trip where we'd fight or get angry at something and a big show would be made of it.
Thankfully, it only happened once, and it was resolved fairly quickly. Thanks to Fola and her sincere desire to put her ego aside and make peace.
It was decadent. Every day was unlimited food and unlimited drinks. Well, every day except for Thursday which was when we went with a tour group to Havana. Had ham and cheese sandwiches and a basic dinner, both of which were quite good, despite how low-cost the food was.
Cappucinos every day. Multiple times per day. Pina Coladas like a gushing spring in the ground bubbling up. I wasn't used to it and even on the last day, I still felt odd about how everything was all-inclusive.
And the trip to Havana was sobering. Cuba is such a poor country that I felt... this threat of ignorant entitlement lurking beyond the peripherals of my senses. There was this feeling of being an entitled tourist who gets to enjoy all the food and drink and beauty of Cuba without any of the drawbacks. There was none of the poverty in our resort which we saw copious amounts of on our drive to the city.
Fola had a conversation with our tour guide asking her what the rate of depression was in the country. Was there a lot of people with mental illnesses? She mentioned how Canada has 1 in 5 people suffering from a disorder and the tour guide shook her head saying that depression and mental issues was rare to find in this country. Despite the impoverished conditions. I found that to be quite enlightening and interesting to hear.
Despite the people living under such scarcity, they were happy. I could see the interconnectedness of all things as we toured about. How people were more connected to the environment and to each other. Firmly entrenched in the reality of their lives. There was little illusion about their purpose and meaning in life. For them, relationships and family were of the utmost importance. To them, simplicity and lack of material possessions merely brought about a humility that is absent from Western culture. It was inspiring to see such dignity in most of the people we saw walking around the street, outside their homes drinking among friends and working on their houses or in the fields.
And... now that I am back, I look at all this as a delusion. This... bubble of entitlement that we are all under the spell of. This consumption-oriented culture that demands fulfillment through money and status. Nice homes. Nice cars. Well-paying job and prestige. Taking vacations yearly to countries where we are lavished and treated like royalty.
We all want to be kings and queens in the west. Sometimes we arrogantly bring this attitude to other countries and demand the treatment that we aspire towards back home, with none of the hard work that often gives such reward for the prestige we greatly desire to obtain.
It feels strange for me to watch TV again. Tried watching Game of Thrones last night and couldn't finish it. Didn't have much interest. Tried watching season 2 of Cobra Kai, and felt my interest waning in the idea of sitting in front of a square in which images and sound are shown to me. It feels so superficial and ignorant of the reality in which we live. A culture of opportunity and blessings conferred to those that embrace it fully without falling into the trap of entitlement and delusion.
The reality is that we don't need to constantly strive for riches and to indulge our materialism. We need only to consider such gains as byproducts of living an authentic life that is rooted in humility. Such rewards mirrors the feeling one has while running a marathon. It is not the finish line that should excite and entertain us. It is the doing, itself.
It is the present moment. The here and now and not the future. Nor the past. It is the momentum of moving consciously from minute to minute and being appreciative of all that we have and who we are as individuals. Our sense of identity is integrated with the people around us. It does not exist inside of a bubble separate from everything else.
I've known and wanted this for a while. To feel connected and accepted and happy with who I am and where I fit in. But it's hard to realize such an attitude when one is struggling to find their place. To really feel like a part of a machine that is benevolent and generous and full of joy and wonder. I don't think western culture promotes unity in the same way it does in poorer countries. In those places, isolationism is a death wish. People cannot live without people. Period.
That was my biggest takeaway from the trip. I did have a lot of fun. Met some very nice people. A couple from England who both wore hearing aids and almost all of the Cubans we met were proud and noble and very grounded in their sense of self.
And... the connection I was having with Fola was strong at times. I don't know how much of it is going to change our relationship from here on out, but over there, we had our moments of bonding and coming to understand each other more.
It's funny how after two years together, we still have trouble figuring out who we each are. On the level of the individual and the relationship. Our needs and wants and moods are in a constant state of unpredictability and confusion. But, we are getting better as we go along. Learning more and more each day. About ourselves and each other.
Today is a new day. I felt strange looking at the stock market this morning. It doesn't feel right to have to place so much importance on the money I'm trying to make on there. And I'm not making very much. Not enough to feel inspired by. Just... barely keeping my head above water. Finances are rough. There is no work at the union hall. I have to... find a way to generate income without insulating.
And soon.
But, I don't know how, yet. Or with what type of work. My hearing is terrible. I can't communicate well with others enough to integrate myself into whatever job I may end up doing. And if it is a new job that requires frequent listening and communicating, I'm going to have a difficult time of it.
It is hard to feel confident when I can barely hold a conversation without straining to understand what is being said. And if it is at a job that requires me to respond to orders; I'm going to have a difficult time with that as well. Particularly if I cannot predict what my duties are to be.
That is why I suppose I like being in control. I don't like unpredictability because I want a routine that I can turn my brain off and perform without having to constantly react and pivot. It scares me somewhat, to be involved in something like customer service for example, where I would have to frequently talk to people and respond to what they're saying. I don't think I am able to do this with enough competency. It frightens me at times.
And... so, I must look for work that limits the amount of interactions I have throughout the day. A job that I can be left to my own devices where I am given autonomy and full responsibility for my performance. Something static and repetitive without any surprises.
So, I must be mindful of this as I move forward. Looking for work that is rote and predictable and within my ability to perform. I don't know what this is yet. I hope to figure out what it may be.
I liked working on an assembly line. I'm reminded of my time at IPSCO where I worked as a hydrotester. I didn't have to answer to anybody. My day was routine and predictable and enjoyed.
I don't like surprises when it comes to work. I don't feel confident in responding to them.
So... this has to be kept in mind.
With that said, it is a new day and a new chapter in my life.
I must be brave enough to write a meaningful page each day. To do something that moves me forward and not keep me stuck in the same place.
Which is what I feel right now. Stuck.
I must move. Establish myself. Cultivate faith.
Work towards becoming a better person and to find my place in this world.
To serve others and myself. To the best of my ability.
I pray for this to happen because it needs to. There is no other option.
Grow and evolve.
Or languish in uncertainty.
I know there is a path designed for me in this life. A destiny to realize. Something that was destined to be.
I must realize it.
Thank you Cuba.
You are an inspiration.
Saturday, April 20, 2019
At Long Last
...We're going to Cuba today. I know, it's been a long time coming since I've been wanting to go since November of 2017. Fola agreed to go in February but didn't, and there were other times throughout the year and the year after that she promised we would go on this trip.
A lot of hair pulling and frustration around this. I'm not putting in all the details of why we couldn't go before, but one of them is how she would get her pension money (over 40k) and then promise we would go. But didn't, because she spent it all. Same goes for her dropping over a grand on a Mystery school course and continuing to say that she didn't have any money for the trip.
Priorities.
But its finally happening. Like a Ron Paul meme, we're going to the Royalton Resort on Varadero for 7 days.
I'm... feeling like this is a little anti-climatic given how I've wanted to go for so long and had my expectations and hopes dashed continually for various reasons or another. Mostly because of her.
I hope this will be a good trip for us. To re-connect. To enjoy the surroundings and to come out of all this with a fresh perspective on where we want to go once we get back.
I'm somewhat concerned, given that I remember Arizona all too well. The way she would sit by some random guy on the plane, or stand smiling in front of another random guy in Sedona. I have... insecurity issues with that girl and I hope this trip won't feed into these feelings too much. If at all.
I just want to be happy. We have such trouble staying in sync together but when we do, it's magical. Everything sparkles and we're reminded of why we're in the relationship. Because our connection is so damned good when we are in sync.
Hope this happens while we are there.
I have a lot on my plate to deal with over the next 7 days. Lots of thinking and goal-setting needs to be done. I have to find work. Preferably a job that I enjoy which pays decent wages. My future is in flux because 1) I don't like insulating and 2) there are no insulating jobs right now.
We have a pretty good resort booked for us. I'm excited about everything that is included. King size bed. Ice cream parlor. Jazz bar. Etc.
And dolphins, diving and a tour of Havana.
It should be amazing and I'm crossing my fingers that it will be.
Hard to get excited given what we've gone through together. But like any abusive relationship, we hang onto the possibility of "change" and to Fola's credit, she has changed quite a bit since we first met.
Let's hope it carries forward.
I came to a realization recently that she is... attracted to the best of me. The me who is satisfied and living a purposeful and meaningful life. I have to be able to reach that goal. I know I can. It's possible, in the words of Les Brown.
But, I have to try.
I don't know about my book anymore. Seems like all enthusiasm has evaporated once I met her. My writing itself has taken a downturn over the last couple of years.
That's my fault and not hers, but she certainly plays a part in my reluctance to push that side of myself. To get a book written and published that I'm happy with.
And yet, I feel overwhelmed by the odds of it getting finished. Let alone properly edited and published.
Feels like a difficult dream to realize.
Not impossible, but chances are that even if I finish writing the book I've always wanted to write; there's no guarantee that it will get published. Even self-publishing does not mean I will make a decent amount of money for all the hard work I'd put into it.
Hard work I already have put into it.
Not sure what to do.
So, I hope this trip helps me regain perspective. Seems like the only thing I really care about these days is the stock market, and that's nothing to be proud about given how I'm not making as much money as I hoped I would.
No more EI payments, either. I'm on my own, financially speaking. I have to make my move. And soon.
Last night I prayed with earnest to be given direction and to plead for a safe and happy voyage for us. I don't like relying on prayer and I realized that it's truly up to me to contribute towards making this happen. All I can do is transmit my feelings and allow the divine plan to take place as it was originally designed.
That's about all I can do at the moment. Far as prayer and appealing goes.
Fortunately, I am not doing too bad at the moment, but I'm not doing that great, either.
Life is a tricky and mysterious thing. I can either try and steer my destiny, or succumb to passitivity.
I don't want to be passive.
Living a good life means work. It has to be earned.
I'm going to try. I hate this complacency. This lack of purpose and vision.
I don't enjoy not being able to visualize a future with us together. Though she occasionally does.
She has more faith than I do in this relationship.
And it's all about surrender and faith and trust and love.
Sometimes I'm too scared to really believe in those things. To accept them. To accept her as she is and not constantly keep my expectations up.
I'm a romantic at heart. I need appreciation for my efforts, otherwise I no longer will make them.
We are so out of tune, but when we're in tune, everything is amazing.
Here's for us being in tune.
Off I go.
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