Hi again blog, hate myself right now.
I hate this relationship. It's not what I want it to be.
Feels like I'm being emotionally starved. Yeah... She hasn't moved in yet. Just full of excuses.
Right now we're waiting until next week when a bed for her daughter is available to buy. Then, she'll move in.
She isn't helping with getting the place ready. Nothing of hers is being brought over.
Few days ago she tells me she is feeling "resistance" and doesn't know why.
I'm really tired of it.
So much drama.
I help her a lot and this morning... I find her sleeping on the couch. She tells me about this apocalyptic dream of hers and then... well, she gets on her phone and starts texting other people about her dream and does her Facebook stuff and messages and phone calls...
We didn't connect with each other.
I tried... After finding her on the couch and listening to her dream. Touching her... but... She went on her phone after that and a few hours went by like that.
Constantly distracted.
Pulled this way and that.
Not giving attention to this relationship. Asking me for things. "Can you be with me all weekend at the expo?" which is this event she is going to be setting a booth at. I designed her banner.
Didn't feel like it was all that appreciated.
Told me later that it's "my job" to get her a tablecloth for the table at the expo.
I... feel so fucking underappreciated. So... much like a fucking tool.
Drained... Like... USED.
Just being used.
Hardly any real affection between us.
Just as she was about to leave my place, she asked what was wrong. I didn't want to bring up this shit but she got it out of me and predictably wouldn't take responsibility. It's my fault for not speaking up earlier and saying "hey I want to connect with you" like I have to verbally announce it every time I want her to be a loving girlfriend.
Which she isn't. And she's... supposedly moving in.
Agent of chaos, still.
For someone who claims to be a healer and promotes self-love and love and compassion and awareness and higher consciousness... She does a poor job of demonstrating any of that stuff with people close to her.
It's such a sham.
The great pretender.
Days like this make me want to shut the world out and not have anything to do with anyone.
I feel more distanced from my parents than I was before I met her.
I feel more disconnected from myself since I met her.
I think this is an abusive relationship.
Maybe my expectations are too high. Especially for someone like her.
Maybe there's something wrong with me.
I have to consider this... but I don't know what to say.
If I wrote a list of qualities my ideal girlfriend has, Fola wouldn't be checking most of the boxes.
That... depresses me because... Why am I still putting up with this?
Because I'm an idiot that wants to love and be loved.
I feel that... I'm...
I'm not being true to myself and what I need.
I feel like I'm being lied to.
She isn't a warm person. She is not compassionate or caring or affectionate or wise.
Sometimes she seems that way and that is when I feel happy to be with her.
But she usually isn't.
And I think that is the reason why abusive relationships last for as long as they do. Because one person keeps thinking the other will change. And those brief moments of genuine love and care for one another is eclipsed by many more moments of disrespect, lack of empathy and a lack of gratitude.
I like to think of relationships as plants that need to be watered.
This one is dry.
Fola isn't the type to be placing much importance on the value of a relationship. I really think she would rather be off fucking a smorgasbord of guys while living on her own.
She doesn't want to settle down and really be with me.
That's why she hasn't moved in yet.
And stupid me continues to believe that maybe things will change for the better.
Somehow.
Someday.
My connection with God.. the... type of connection I had before I met Fola was much more deeper than it is now. I feel... less in tune with who I am and the world around me.
Less happier.
More miserable.
And... I get these fleeting glimpses of affection every once in a while and that seems to be enough to renew my hope with.
We've stopped going to counselling because our counselor was taking a few months off.
I don't think Fola has even read either of the two books we've been recommended. Much less take the relationship seriously enough to work on.
It's the blame game. Over and over. She does something that I feel is her fault (being distant and distracted) and I get told that it is because of something that I did or neglected to say.
Really tired of this.
I don't think my mother likes her either.
I don't... think we're good together.
She isn't bringing out the best in me.
These words are terrible to write. I almost feel like a coward for doing so because...
What am I going to do about all this?
Can this be salvaged? Can it...be better in time?
Why do I hate myself so much to think that this is what I deserve?
I can feel emotions bubbling up in me right now. I also feel that I need to suppress them because letting them out is not going to make me feel any better.
It'll mean acknowledging the pain that is inside.
And I don't... feel like I want to be doing that right now.
I want to cover it all up and pretend like its not there.
That everything is fine. Even when it isn't.
I do deserve better than this.
I know I do.
But maybe... I haven't... really earned that yet. It's like asking for money that I haven't worked for.
Why am I entitled to having it? Just because?
I feel that I've spent a good part of my life chasing down the one I'm meant to be with. Initially I thought it was her.
Now, I'm not so sure.
I have to constantly hear about her business. Constantly hear about her self-improvement but don't really see the results of all this spiritual work she is doing.
And that is frustrating because I can see she does try.
Maybe...
Sighs.
Words are failing me but it seems like whenever I'm doing my own thing without regard for hers, is when she starts to pay attention.
Listen to me write. Just this spineless cowardly man who is uncertain about his future, has lost much of his confidence and complains about shit that he could fix but isn't brave enough to do so.
Gail, Fola's Shamanic teacher once talked with us and told me that I was "very forgiving" and that we both need to learn how to fight.
I don't feel we've progressed much since then.
When I pull away, Fola gets closer. When I want to get closer, she pulls away.
It doesn't make any sense.
A constant power struggle between us.
And I'm not an effective leader when I am this distracted and bogged down by drama that ultimately is meaningless.
I don't want to be involved in all of that. I want to relax. I want to know that she is trustworthy.
Last night we watched a video and she blurts out "that guy can fuck me" for no reason at all.
I still have trust issues.
That kind of remark doesn't sit well with me. Even as a joke, which she claimed it was.
Some joke.
It's these little barbs that make me not want to be with her.
And I can rationalize this relationship is a dozen different ways to make myself feel better about being in it.
But I am losing hope.
I don't want to lie anymore to myself about what I need and who I would want in my life.
But I continue to lie. To deflect. To be distracted.
No wonder I spend a lot of time playing video games.
I don't want to deal with any of this shit.
In Battlefront, I'm a soldier who fights and does an exceptional job of it.
In life, that is a different matter.
Why won't I fight?
Why can't I get what I want?
I know God is out there... This Supreme Intelligence. Aware of my thoughts and feelings and these words on the screen.
I know there is a record of all this someplace.
And I know that help is available.
Which I've asked for.
Repeatedly. Over the years.
As my blog testifies to this.
And... I can only accept the silence as a signal to be patient. A testing of faith.
Either I have faith in the external or I have faith in myself.
I don't know which of the two to stand by.
It feels like one or the other.
I'm tired of this God.
Deliver me from this evil. This temptation.
Grant me a miracle.
Maybe all it takes is... a choice.
But give me the means and optimism to be making that choice.
I can't make that decision in the state that I am in.
I need to feel good and certain about what I do.
I fear the unknown.
I need a light.
A path to go towards.
A reason for being that I don't need to feel uncertain about.
I want to honour you God.
Though life does hurt.
I still want to show you that I care and would do what is necessary to realize the means and ways I can contribute to making the world a better place.
Making myself a better person and others as well.
And... being happy about it all.
Genuinely happy.
Being of service and having that service appreciated.
I don't think it's that much to ask.
I'm tired of asking. Of hoping and begging.
I want you to step up.
And show me that you care, too.
That I am a child that you love.
And would do anything for.
So that I can return that love to you.
And feel proud about it.
That's all I want.
I believe it is your turn.
