Standstill

Ugh. I've been feeling down for the past while. Just... not happy with myself or where I am going.

I'm still unemployed. Still... feeling defeated... And... I don't want to point fingers but I think I know what the cause of these feelings are.

And I don't know what to do about it.

My... writing has taken a beating these past couple of years. I have lost a lot of my passion for it. I sometimes struggle with putting words down and it's... it hurts remembering how much I enjoyed doing it and how much I dreamed about writing a book.

...

I'm... feeling like... I've lost myself and that I don't care. Or maybe that I've given up on fighting to reclaim my authenticity. That it's easier to pretend and dismiss and allow myself to get broken down without protest.

I just want peace. Happiness. Love in my life and I... I seem to be failing at it.

I can't seem to find peace. The only times when I feel genuinely at peace is when I'm either playing video games, or watching a good movie or... when I'm truly comfortable sitting by myself alone and undisturbed.

But... I don't... haven't been feeling at peace lately. Despite those things.

There's just this... avoidance... that I think I'm mistaking for peace. It's not really contentment. It's..

Distraction.

Maybe I'm fully depressed and hate myself but won't admit it. So... I distract myself.

That's likely it.

I don't want to talk about my relationship with Fola because it seems like that's all I've been doing on here. I feel chained by her. She... creates drama for no reason. I've noticed that when I'm at my happiest, she'll do or say something to tear it all down.

Over and over.

I have to be honest, I can't see a future with her. She likes to talk about us moving in together but has no road map of what that would look like. She said she doesn't want to move to the Fort and so... what options does that leave? Her reasoning is that Ivy is going to school in a place that is far away from where I am. But... she is still living with her sister and doesn't want to buy a house of her own.

Is she going to move out from there and rent a place? She said she looked into it, but that's all it is. No action taken. No real interest in doing so.

So, if she's not going to buy or rent a place and if she's not going to move into my home, then what?

It's a joke. And... I don't know what kind of mistake it would be if she did live with me.

I don't know anymore.

I... want to find my way back. To how I was once... but this woman makes it difficult.

It's the little things as well as the big ones. She'll be on my couch trying to catch a fly and not succeeding, but I do it and instead of her being impressed, she says "oh you killed it" which I admit I did do by accident.

Just making me feel like shit.

I ask her questions in texts that she doesn't answer. Ignores or just answers in a way that raises more questions. Last night she sent me a link asking me what my thoughts were on this MLM. She knows how much I dislike MLMs but doesn't explain why I am being sent this link.

I asked her if she thinks this MLM is a good idea. No response. I asked her where did she come across it. No answer.

She answers... but not the questions I asked.

I hate it.

Then I look at this link to see what it is. Looks like a MLM site that talks about MLMs and I sent her this long analysis of what I thought it was. Only... it was the wrong link she sent me. The link I had was an article about the MLM she was asking me about. Not the site of the actual MLM. All the article said was MLM made 5 million dollars or some such in revenue that month.

Wasted my time analyzing the site she had me on. All she had to do was send the URL for the MLM and not an article about it.

I'm not explaining this properly I guess.

I don't know how we're supposed to start a business together. I think it's going to be a mess. We're not going to get along. Case in point, regarding our biographical profiles on the site, I asked her if she thinks first person or third person is better. She wanted first person. Then, a week later, she listens to some podcast about coaching and the guy says that third person is best. So now she's all about wanting the bio to be written in third-person because this "expert" says so.

But guess what? Going onto his site, his bio is written in first-person. Talk about hypocrisy.

It's so much wasted time...

She's... going in circles... not really doing much. Listening to all this stuff but not explaining or remembering anything. It's just... "write your bio in third person" and she can't explain to me what the advantage is when I ask her why. It's just... a robot that isn't able to think for itself. Just parrots what other people says and ignores what I say. Ignores critical thinking altogether.

Same with that MLM she sent me. Why are you wasting my time with it? Are you interested in joining this MLM? What's so interesting about it? Is someone trying to recruit you?

She doesn't offer these answers to me. I have to basically interrogate her to find out what the situation is. And even then, she doesn't have an explanation for certain things. Why is she interested? Heck if I know. Apparently some friend of hers is in it and she forwarded that link over to Fola who thought for some reason that I needed to see (and analyze) it as well.

Despite the big fight we once had about her interest in Amway. It's like she isn't learning from past experience at all.

And... man... what a test this is. How do I remain autonomous and happy with myself when having to deal with all this? Is it possible? I imagine that removing myself completely is the easiest solution but is that what I need to do? Just run? Ignore?

Or have equanimity and tolerance and compassion and strength?

Maybe these are the things I need to develop for myself. To learn.

Despite the obstacles thrown in my way. The antagonism. The... small ways in which she hurts our relationship.

Her mood changes... I still don't know how to deal with those.

I...

I need more help with this. I can't do it on my own.

If I can't see a future with her then what am I doing staying involved?

Why am I putting up with all this drama? These false expectations?

Talking about moving in together but does nothing to make it happen.

Complains about her job despite how well it pays and how little she actually works.

And... the lack of empathy... Like, on the weekend I brought up Unbreakable which she said she isn't sure she's seen. We've wanted to watch Split together for a while, so she suggested we watch Unbreakable, Split and then Glass. So... I rent Glass for 7 bucks and she messes around with her phone ignoring the film. Then annoys me by taking videos of me in Snapchat while I'm trying to watch, having cat ears and whiskers superimposed on my face after my telling her that I didn't appreciate her doing so.

And... then she asks me why I am being annoyed and I have to explain in detail all the reasons why. It's... dumb. She seemed genuinely clueless as to why I am annoyed and then complains that I'm not being affectionate towards her afterwards, like somehow it's all my fault.

Look... I didn't pay 7 dollars of money that I don't have for you to goof around during a film that you said you wanted to watch. The other two movies we watched were fine and went well. But not this one. Maybe Glass is boring, but that's no reason to shit on my enjoyment of it by goofing around with the phone.

And her non-answers... "What are you doing?" I asked, watching her pick up the phone and fiddle with it. "Oh, just checking stuff on the phone"

I know she's "checking stuff" ... but what? Why is the movie being interrupted? Turns out she just wants to flick around in her Facebook feed for no reason.

Why can't she offer specifics? It bothers me that these non-answers happen so frequently.

It feels like I expend energy wasting my time with these questions. It's like I can't have my curiosity satisfied because she doesn't think I need to be indulged with an explanation or reason for anything. Same with that link she sent me about the MLM. No explanation or reason as to why it's sent. Just plop it on me with a "what do you think?" and of course, she has no thoughts of her own because she hasn't bothered to looking into it at all.

I don't get it.

I'm tired of all this.

Being in business with her.. God... that... I don't know, man. She wants to constantly put videos out. I just want to get the website done first. Let's focus on getting it running before we focus on what house to buy with our millions of dollars that we're going to make from this.

She's not a realist in the least. Just entitled and self-absorbed.

And she's my girlfriend.

My apparent soul mate or twin flame.

I don't know anymore what to do.

I need help.

I need to connect with myself again.

Help.

Help. Please.