I think the catalyst was the moment when she asked me to show her affection. I wasn't doing that. I mean... I did earlier, but she didn't seem to enjoy it or felt like reciprocating.
So, I withdrew,
And when it came to the point later that day where she asked me to show her affection, I thought about how it has been with us the past few weeks where she didn't show much affection to me at all.
Some of the things that happened in that time include:
Her making a joke about fucking a guy "I'd let him fuck me" who we were watching in an interview.
Her making a joke about me being in a dress and that I'd make a good housewife.
Her making a joke (shortly after the dress) about me being Rose and her being Jack (from Titanic).
Her comment about how she would never want to have a baby with me because of my issues with hearing. The way she said this... made my heart sunk.
Her... still not moving in. Saying first that she wants her daughter to have a bed, but IKEA is sold out of the only one she wanted. This means she is not moving in until a bed is found. Oh... and she now doesn't have money to afford paying for a bed because of other expenses. I don't know when she is moving in but she isn't taking it seriously. It's been three months since we agreed for it to happen. She then said March is more likely, because her being at the Expo is stressful and time-consuming and moving out before it takes place is not something that is on her mind right now.
Other things have happened in those two weeks. Rejected me for sex twice. Wasn't affectionate. Withdrawn. Argumentative. Dismissed the concerns I've had with her behavior. Neglected my own need for affection and closeness. Answers with "I don't know" when asked about why she is feeling closed off. Answers "good" and "well" whenever I ask how a certain event is/was without adding anything further.
It just goes on and on.
Last night she asked for affection and the past two weeks have... left me feeling empty, jaded and emasculated.
I can't... just... be affectionate because she asks me to. I still felt the rejection and the pain of the last two weeks she's caused and... it doesn't just disappear with a snap of her fingers.
Yesterday we went for lunch at Tonys Pizza and then for a massage. Walking into Tony's had her look at me impassively with a "oh, hello" when I first saw her. No smile, no hug, no... affection.
The conversation that followed was awkward. I didn't feel... alive around her. I felt... like my guard was up and... my level of excitement was gone.
And of course... why would she open up and be affectionate when I'm withdrawn?
It's an ugly cycle with us.
But I feel like I've been shit on enough times in the past few weeks that... though it wasn't a conscious decision, I had every right to sulk and not feel connected to her.
I've tried to reach out to her a few times this week and it was... not reciprocated.
I've always been an affectionate person. I like touching. I like holding hands. I like hugs and kisses. I like sex.
But she doesn't care for these things.
Only when she wants them she does and that... usually means she wants them when I withdraw from her. When she's pushed me down far enough that I don't feel like being affectionate. That's when I'm asked for affection once she realizes that it's missing.
It's a stupid game.
Why does it have to be played like this?
Last night I bought her flowers, a book and a toy. I also cleaned up her kitchen. But none of that made any difference when it came to sitting on the couch afterwards. She didn't reach out to touch me. Didn't show any affection herself.
Saying "thank you" isn't enough. You have to show gratitude. Express it physically. At least for me that is what I want.
Anyone can say thank you. Takes less than a second to say these words. Takes more time and effort to show how thankful you actually are, which she doesn't often do.
Yes. She brought me a Valentine's day card with nice words on it and small gifts. I wasn't expecting that. We've never celebrated Valentine's Day before. She normally doesn't care about anniversaries or celebrations.
The first Valentine's Day we've had, she texted me a nice sexy photo collage of her body parts with Happy V-Day.
I miss that. She baked me blueberry scones in those early times as well.
Was enthusiastic about sex and excited to see and be with me.
...Guess those were the good old days.
So... last night she cried next to me on the couch after asking for affection and I brought up how much I was hurting.
I didn't know what to do.
I pulled her in and held her for a bit.
And... Had to go home... so I hugged and kissed her at the door and left.
Felt like I took initiative both times there. She didn't.
I don't think she leaned in for a kiss. I don't think she reached out for a hug at all yesterday.
Why does it have to fall on me?
There is no worse feeling when one needs something in a relationship and it gets rejected.
It's happened to me a few times in the last couple weeks and I began to withdraw. To stop being vulnerable or take initiative,
Of course she wouldn't be attracted to a withdrawn, closed-off partner.
But... fuck... why can't she see how much she's hurt me?
Why does she not think any of this damage needs repairing? Why won't she take my concerns seriously rather than get defensive and point fingers back at me and saying that she doesn't have to make up for anything?
That doesn't resolve arguments.
It fosters resentment. Apathy. Loss of connection.
If your partner tells you they are feeling hurt and invalidated and taken for granted... maybe the best thing to do is to really listen to what they're saying.
And take it seriously.
Seriously enough to ask if maybe... MAYBE, some of what your partner is feeling is something that you could be responsible for causing.
That's been a big problem in our relationship. Fola feels that individuals are accountable only to themselves. How I feel is not because of anything she's done, but because of a choice I've somehow made to feel a certain way. Therefore, I am responsible for the emotions that arise whenever someone hurts me.
That makes sense on a certain level. Yes, I can manage the reaction I feel whenever I get insulted or rejected but that doesn't absolve the perpetrator. It doesn't mean they can continue to attack and belittle and insult.
No. I can choose not to get upset. But I can also choose to remain skeptical and guarded around them from now on. Rightfully so, because why would I allow myself to be hurt or disrespected?
Why would I continue to put up with abuse?
But because she is my girlfriend and I see her frequently... The best option is not to hide or avoid but to... just withdraw.
At least for me, that is.
I've told her what bothers me and I keep telling her what bothers me... After that, it's in her hands.
She doesn't think she needs to make up for anything or that she's done anything wrong.
Yes... she's apologized for saying things like she doesn't want to have a baby with me because of my hearing but the damage something like that causes is not easily fixed overnight.
That damage lingers.
From her perspective, it was her saying something with impulsiveness and thoughtlessness and that it should be immediately forgiven after apologizing.
It's not so easily forgiven.
Saying "sorry" does not work when a certain amount of pain is caused to someone. Purposefully or through neglect. Or ignorance.
I doubt that if I punched an old lady on the street and said "sorry" that it would be acceptable enough for her and that she will move on, having forgiven me.
But that is what Fola expects. She doesn't think that apologies have to be earned. Forgiveness has to be earned.
It's... just her beliefs.
The fault is with me because I cannot seem to forgive her as easily as she likes.
There is a reason why I ruminate over certain incidents in our relationship.
Because that pain was not resolved or accounted for.
It was left out there like it meant nothing.
And then forgotten about.
She may not carry the wounds or memories of the things she's done, but I certainly do.
I have just read an article on Medium by Caitlin Johnstone in where she talks about power. She says:
"Power is the ability to control what happens. Absolute power is controlling what people think about what happens."
I feel absolutely powerless with Fola.
I can't do anything.
Do anything but be who I am.
A sensitive guy that tries to hide it.
Because few people appreciate or respect the depths of how I feel.
Maybe I want too much.
But after watching this video yesterday:
And seeing real happiness between people.
Maybe I am not wanting enough.
I deserve better.
Maybe she does too.
I don't know.
I have said in my last post that it is God's turn. That same day lead me to a few realizations.
And I'm thankful for them.
Thankful for the forces that helped.
But...
I still need help.
I still need a path forward.
Tuesday is when I'll be ordering hearing aids for the first time.
I haven't worn them since I was in grade four. Over thirty years ago.
That's... my path forward.
It's all I can do right now.
Your turn again God.
Please show me the way.
