A lot of hair pulling and frustration around this. I'm not putting in all the details of why we couldn't go before, but one of them is how she would get her pension money (over 40k) and then promise we would go. But didn't, because she spent it all. Same goes for her dropping over a grand on a Mystery school course and continuing to say that she didn't have any money for the trip.
Priorities.
But its finally happening. Like a Ron Paul meme, we're going to the Royalton Resort on Varadero for 7 days.
I'm... feeling like this is a little anti-climatic given how I've wanted to go for so long and had my expectations and hopes dashed continually for various reasons or another. Mostly because of her.
I hope this will be a good trip for us. To re-connect. To enjoy the surroundings and to come out of all this with a fresh perspective on where we want to go once we get back.
I'm somewhat concerned, given that I remember Arizona all too well. The way she would sit by some random guy on the plane, or stand smiling in front of another random guy in Sedona. I have... insecurity issues with that girl and I hope this trip won't feed into these feelings too much. If at all.
I just want to be happy. We have such trouble staying in sync together but when we do, it's magical. Everything sparkles and we're reminded of why we're in the relationship. Because our connection is so damned good when we are in sync.
Hope this happens while we are there.
I have a lot on my plate to deal with over the next 7 days. Lots of thinking and goal-setting needs to be done. I have to find work. Preferably a job that I enjoy which pays decent wages. My future is in flux because 1) I don't like insulating and 2) there are no insulating jobs right now.
We have a pretty good resort booked for us. I'm excited about everything that is included. King size bed. Ice cream parlor. Jazz bar. Etc.
And dolphins, diving and a tour of Havana.
It should be amazing and I'm crossing my fingers that it will be.
Hard to get excited given what we've gone through together. But like any abusive relationship, we hang onto the possibility of "change" and to Fola's credit, she has changed quite a bit since we first met.
Let's hope it carries forward.
I came to a realization recently that she is... attracted to the best of me. The me who is satisfied and living a purposeful and meaningful life. I have to be able to reach that goal. I know I can. It's possible, in the words of Les Brown.
But, I have to try.
I don't know about my book anymore. Seems like all enthusiasm has evaporated once I met her. My writing itself has taken a downturn over the last couple of years.
That's my fault and not hers, but she certainly plays a part in my reluctance to push that side of myself. To get a book written and published that I'm happy with.
And yet, I feel overwhelmed by the odds of it getting finished. Let alone properly edited and published.
Feels like a difficult dream to realize.
Not impossible, but chances are that even if I finish writing the book I've always wanted to write; there's no guarantee that it will get published. Even self-publishing does not mean I will make a decent amount of money for all the hard work I'd put into it.
Hard work I already have put into it.
Not sure what to do.
So, I hope this trip helps me regain perspective. Seems like the only thing I really care about these days is the stock market, and that's nothing to be proud about given how I'm not making as much money as I hoped I would.
No more EI payments, either. I'm on my own, financially speaking. I have to make my move. And soon.
Last night I prayed with earnest to be given direction and to plead for a safe and happy voyage for us. I don't like relying on prayer and I realized that it's truly up to me to contribute towards making this happen. All I can do is transmit my feelings and allow the divine plan to take place as it was originally designed.
That's about all I can do at the moment. Far as prayer and appealing goes.
Fortunately, I am not doing too bad at the moment, but I'm not doing that great, either.
Life is a tricky and mysterious thing. I can either try and steer my destiny, or succumb to passitivity.
I don't want to be passive.
Living a good life means work. It has to be earned.
I'm going to try. I hate this complacency. This lack of purpose and vision.
I don't enjoy not being able to visualize a future with us together. Though she occasionally does.
She has more faith than I do in this relationship.
And it's all about surrender and faith and trust and love.
Sometimes I'm too scared to really believe in those things. To accept them. To accept her as she is and not constantly keep my expectations up.
I'm a romantic at heart. I need appreciation for my efforts, otherwise I no longer will make them.
We are so out of tune, but when we're in tune, everything is amazing.
Here's for us being in tune.
Off I go.
