It's been five days since I've received my new hearing aids. Phonak Audeo Marvels and...
The road to evolution is long.
First of all, this was a big step for me and hearing aids are something I should have gotten years ago. But... These ones are hard getting used to wearing. Mainly because of AutoSense 3.0 which is this program inside of them that automatically adjusts to whatever listening environment you're in. For instance, walk inside of a noisy restaurant and these hearing aids will mute sound around you so you can focus on the person speaking. Sounds great in theory but really, I dislike how I'm constantly having to hear these fades and mutes and changes in my hearing second by second, minute by minute.
And really... Why is it that I can hear someone talking across the street but when I am speaking with a cashier, their voice sounds muted and I have to strain to understand what they are saying?
AutoSense 3.0 is the default setting of these aids. I can't turn it "off". Best I can do is load up a custom program with as few bells and whistles enabled but even that is not a good solution. Mainly because the Phonak app simply reverts to AutoSense when the app is closed or the hearing aids disconnect from bluetooth which does happen regularly enough.
It's frustrating. So was getting fitted for these. Karen, my audiologist, seemed to have rushed me out the door without verifying the settings. No hearing test, no real-ear measures, just "how does it sound? good? great." while sitting across from me in relative silence. That doesn't sound like a professional fitting to me.
Well... what do I think of these hearing aids in general? They're interesting. Yes, some sounds are crisp and clear and I really like the bluetooth streaming from the TV but... talking to someone on the phone with these often results in poor audio for the caller as these hearing aids are picking up background noises and produces an echo effect. Not good. I tried disconnecting from them when sound quality was poor and placed the phone to my ear. That didn't work well either, as I couldn't hear what the caller was saying with a phone up against my hearing aid. Strange. So I had to pull the entire HA out just to have a phone conversation.
That's not good.
And the mild plugged up feeling I'm having isn't great either. There's a bit of an occlusion effect and it feels a lot like I'm going around with fingers in my ears. It's really obvious whenever I am talking or eating food.
Not good either.
I wish I could report that these aids make a huge difference but so far... they've been underwhelming.
I thought it would be harder to adjust to wearing them out in public, but I was surprised at how comfortable they are and how little I cared about what people think. That used to be such a barrier for me in getting them in the first place. I didn't want to be perceived as "different" from everyone else.
But really... these hearing aids are so small that they can hardly be seen. And... that helps with self-image a lot.
Yet... my confidence hasn't improved wearing them. On Saturday I nearly felt brought to tears after listening to them fade in and out with AutoSense making constant adjustments and I couldn't hear my own mother next to me because there was a bit of wind outside and the HA dampened everything around me.
I thought it was amazing that I could hear the turn signal on my car making a racket, but rolling down the window while driving changes the overall sound and I hear a muted environment.
Watching TV with them on and Fola next to me... geez.. I can't hear her very well if I'm looking directly at the screen. I have to face her just so the hearing aids "kick in" and mute background noises. It's frustrating and disconcerting to be at the mercy of some "intelligent" algorithm that dictates what it "thinks" you need to be listening to when really, I just want a constant, stable listening experience so I can forget that I am even wearing hearing aids.
Anyways...
That said... I feel frustrated and... distant lately. I'm... still unemployed and uncertain of my future and what concerns me is that I am not taking life very seriously. I... know I need money... to find a better career than insulating... to work on my resume, to make progress to have hope.... and... I just don't care it seems. I don't... feel optimistic about my future...
I feel depressed.
My own girlfriend doesn't help with any of this. She does in small ways, but not in the most meaningful of ones.
I feel like my life has been hijacked by her own. She's doing this expo soon and is asking me for help with various things.
... I don't know blog... I feel like my identity has crumbled.
And... though I said I feel depressed, honestly... I feel more defeated than depressed. More ignorant and oblivious than emotionally in tune with who I am.
I think... this distance... this apathy is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness.
I try... and it feels like I fail. Getting hearing aids wasn't the huge transformation I hoped it would be. I thought it would completely change who I am and bring my personality back. Bring back home and optimism and confidence...
But... these things are still eroded.
And my reaction is to not... get all emotional about it.
Maybe I should cry... maybe I should laugh... but I'm in the middle somewhere.
All these things in the world are scaring me. The future scares me.
And... I can't keep on being scared.
If I can't be more optimistic, then I'll just... disconnect.
From myself and the world around me.
So yes... I need to reclaim myself. I feel... What I miss most is that feeling of connectedness. To myself, to others around me, to... life in general.
I find that I am caring less and less about the circumstances I'm in and that's not good.
I said in an earlier post that it was God's turn to show me the path to take. I'm seeing paths but not enough signs encouraging enough to convince myself with. Like... World Financial Group seems to be an option for a career, yet... I don't know how much of a struggle that would be. I'm concerned about the level of ambition and motivation required. I'm concerned about exactly what I will need to do in order to become successful while doing it. I need to keep looking into it before I commit.
But... I'm... not looking forward to integrating myself in with the world with these hearing aids. Given that they are acting as they do.
Thanks AutoSense 3.0. You've really dampened my enthusiasm for wearing them.
... Well.
Life goes on.
And I need to stop being still.
Your turn God.
I've gotten the hearing aids.
Now what?
