Isolation

Hello blog, me again, figured I should type out a few things.

Fola is on day... five of a ten day Vissapana meditation retreat. She's not allowed to use her phone while there, so that means total and utter silence from her.

I don't get to see or hear from her for 10 days.

Strangely, there is a bit of liberation in all this. I feel freed but also somewhat imprisoned. What I mean is that its like I'm more in a prison of my own making, despite the many distractions Fola provides, I'm now left to my own devices and I feel strangely... alone and shackled.

I suppose I should be rejoicing about having a break to find myself. To pursue whatever it is I want to do but all I seem to be doing is playing a lot of video games and hanging out at the park.

Not fun. Very aimless and... unfocused. There is not much in the way of personal progress as much as I would have liked.

Just did my tax return. A balance of 6 grand is coming in which will pay my property taxes and give me a bit of money left over for surviving. And that is what it is right now as I am unemployed for nearly a year. Surviving.

I don't know where to go or what to do with my life. I don't want to insulate but that doesn't matter anyways as there isn't any work in the union hall that I could apply for. There was a call last week that I tried to get but it was filled and I couldn't get in.

I am realizing that my life is sliding into nothingness. Just stagnant and unchanging and not... attempting to move forward. I blamed Fola for this in the past as she was distracting me and crippled my motivation due to her emotional antics. Just before she left she told me about how a friend of hers called her up and suggested she organize a retreat for some YouTuber in Britian who would come here to present on topics such as consciousness... and, thats all I really know. She didn't even see what this guy is like or gave any reason to be excited about this particular idea and yet she was. Really excited. "This will be a good opportunity for us!" and yet... doesn't explain why and hasn't even THOUGHT about the costs involved and the work required for such an undertaking. Just flying that guy in from the UK is going to be a few thousand bucks. How is such an expense going to be recouped? Will people here buy tickets to see some guy (apparently he has 50k+ subscribers on his channel) talk about consciousness and spirituality?

Then there is the problem of organizing. Booking a place for him to speak is going to cost money. His flight is going to cost money. Marketing/advertising is going to cost money. Is she seriously thinking that this is a good opportunity for us to pursue?

A part of me is screaming to let her go off and do whatever she wants. For her to learn from her mistakes and wash my hands free of this mess. I do not want to be saddled with having to become a planner or accessory to this scheme of hers. This is on top of her wanting to start a business together, on top of her already having a business (which made less than a few hundred bucks last year, unreported income) and... she was talking about this app some colleagues of hers want to design, which again would cost thousands of dollars and much effort to do.

Oh, and the "workshop" she wants us to create for Sundra Healing. Which by the way, she can't seem to be able to put together. That is in spite of the many ideas I've given her regarding it. I was initially excited at the challenge and gave her an idea of how to do it, but she didn't like my idea, or the other ideas since and so it continues to remain in limbo.

Last year we fought about her being recruited by Amway. She was going to drive down to Calgary because a friend of hers suggested she should.

I think her... sense of logic and business and... ambition is completely unrealistic and delusional.

There is some hope with the business that I've come up with, though. An online spiritual mentorship/coaching site. It's a good idea with a good concept and yet, that too is in limbo at the moment as I haven't worked on it in a few weeks.

My day to day life is uninteresting and uninspired. I feel sensations within me at random hours of the day. I KNOW it has something to do with her being at the retreat. I can't deny that I'm feeling certain things in her absence knowing that it is connected to her and whatever it is she is doing/thinking (likely meditating).

And that is really something that she is doing. Ten days of no phone or distractions to meditate almost all day long. She gets up at 4am. Goes to bed around 10pm. In between are two meal breaks and a bit of alone time. I wonder how she is doing. Initially I resisted her jumping impulsively into doing this but perhaps it will make a difference in how she is afterwards.

Maybe she will be more self-aware and thoughtful and less impulsive afterwards.

A part of me is wondering how she will feel after. Such as her feelings towards me in particular. Will she "love" me more or less? Before she left she said she hoped this retreat will aid in her letting go of things that no longer serve her. I had the thought that maybe it would include me, assuming she comes about to thinking that I'm not in alignment with her impulsive goals and ideas.
We had a bit of an argument before she left about this retreat idea. I hate that when I raise an objection that she takes it as an attack and becomes defensive and unwilling to engage with me logically. Really, why is this retreat a good opportunity for us? I would be VERY surprised if we could break even on the costs. Never mind making a profit.

Those ideas of hers... It's like she doesn't want to follow my lead but also does. She wants veto power. She wants easy and effortless and exciting and...

Fuck, man. These things take work. They take focus and concentration and idea generation and things that she doesn't seem to have. Fiscal responsibility and management... I mean, I am willing to help with all these things but she dismisses them. When I brought up the objection I had about this retreat idea saying how much it would all cost (minimum), she said it would "potentially cost thousands of dollars", acknowledging what I said but not providing any reason to believe that this would be a successful venture.

The more I think about her the more troubled I get. And yet... despite the co-dependancy and disrespect and... thoughtlessness... I still have feelings for her and I still feel these strange sensations in my chest which I think might be credited towards her. Or something that is of divine origin.

I don't like accepting this but accept it I must. I know it's wishful thinking to think she is my "twin flame" but there really is something going on with us that needs to be seen to it's rightful conclusion. I can't deny that at all. No matter how rational I am about it. There is something profound governing our relationship and I've seen and experienced so much that points towards this fact. Almost like it was "designed" and certain situations are set up so that certain lessons are learned.

It's bananas. I am basically believing in determinism. What it feels most like right now is that all this was designed before our birth, outside of linear time, and all these events have been constructed so that certain emotions/struggles/insecurities are brought to light in... I guess... for the reason of transcending or learning from them to become better individuals.

And honestly it feels like we are failing. Although if I truly believe in this manufactured "destiny" between us, it should also mean that this is exactly how everything needs to be.

And again... I've seen plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the case. That everything IS unfolding exactly as it needs to.

My battery died and this post showed up. Guess I'll publish it though it's unfinished.