Second Wave

 It's been a while since I last wrote you, my blog, and... I have been having realizations and strangeness going on since. It never ends. Fola and I did end up going to Waterton, and it was... the manifestation of a miracle I had asked for.

I.. now... am in this place. This... the veil is being lifted around humanity and yet I find myself entrenched in an illusion that appears to be of my own making. Believing that Fola actually loves me.

The trouble with this statement is that... just a short while ago she sent me a text about the things she loves about me. Now... she's cold and indifferent and says "thank you" when I said that I love her after two weeks of no contact while she was at a Shamanic retreat in BC.

And the... realizations aren't kind ones. One of them involves my not respecting who I am enough to be settling for a woman like her. At the same time, it is rubbing against this desire of mine to want to be loved. A desire that seems to be over a decade in the making according to my blog. Wanting to be loved and not quite respecting myself enough to feel like I deserve it.

And settling instead for lies and deceit and betrayal.

That's... one of the things I have come about to understanding. How can anyone love someone who does not love themselves? This... changes as well, as I go through periods where I do love myself and it shows in the most... elevated and beautiful way... Like... the world itself changes when I embrace who I am and where I am in life.

And that has always been complicated and difficult for me to maintain because I am not clear on what is causing these fluctuations to happen. One week is a certain way, the next is another and... 

I don't like it.

Even now, as I texted Fola asking if I could call her on the phone, she says she is not in a talkative mood. And yet... I have almost always aquiesed to her request to call me. Because I want to please her.

And here is where she does not return the favour.

Sure... might be good reasons for it but I'm not mad. Just... well, disappointed to the verge of frustration that dances along the line crossing into anger, but not mad... 

These emotions are within my control and yet... 

I am a victim of them.

The days that I love myself... and the days that I don't... seems to depend on factors that I cannot figure out. I believe the same is with Fola. She says she loves me and then says something else to make me think otherwise.

Honestly, this kind of writing is pathetic.

I give her more power than she deserves.

I give her more attention than she deserves or has earned.

Very little is being reciprocated or sympathized with.

And that needs to change.

I feel that I am a good man. And I have some kind of problem with me that I can't put my finger on.

Was I not loved enough as a child? But... I didn't feel this yearning for love in my teens and early 20s.. maybe not even my mid 20s.

I think it started with Lauren all those years ago. She made me believe in love for the first time, really...

Although... it could even be with Michelle. My first girlfriend. Who awakened me to the idea of love... but I don't remember really being in love with her. More like lust and the feeling of being in a relationship for the first time. We didn't have much if anything in common.

And... thinking about this past month, I realize that miracles can happen when I put my mind and heart to them. But I am indecisive right now despite the successes I've generated thank to the machinations of the Creator and the blessings I have been given. Small and large.

So earlier today on my long walk in the dark of the night down a path bordered by tall trees, I posed a question to myself. What should the next miracle be? And... I feel something different in my heart right now. When I manifested these other miracles, the heart had a distinct glow to it. Now... it is... not a warmth but a presence. I find this interesting and of course, inexplicable and difficult to understand.

But from what I know of over the years, when my heart is vibrating or warm or feeling like it harbors a presence -- it often indicates an opportunity to make use of it or to herald an important event. Like it was when I met Fola... or the time when Amy broke up with me and I stared at myself through tears in the mirror and heard a clear strong voice telling me to keep my chin up. To wait for the right lady to come around.

So... I would like to experiment and request a miracle, should the powers up high and within see fit to grant one.

And... I'm not sure what to ask for. The world appears to be taken over by communism. There is... so much information and violence and resistance and propaganda and... lies... that it is incredibly easy to simply ask for peace. For I would like to be of service to the world somehow in this capacity. To come up with solutions to help others through this crisis. To prosper and thrive and become better people despite the many who ignorantly go about wearing masks. Even alone while driving.

And yet... I see people like that... or people out for a job with a mask on... and I can't help but feel a mild form of contempt for them. Why are they so compliant? Why are they ignorant? Are they fearful? What is going on in their minds to be wearing a mask outside with no one around when it is known that sunlight kills viruses and... just recently the CDC admitted that only 6% of reported deaths were from COVID alone. That brings the number down dramatically.

We are being played and... it hurts me to see people playing along with these lies.

And a part of me does not want to help the ignorant and another part does.

Another part really does.

And I think of my past life... how I once was and what I achieved and...

I don't know if the Creator wants me in that role again. I have offered myself up for this purpose and yet, the call has not been made obvious and straightforward enough for me to heed.

What is my destiny? My purpose? I seem only to care about the money I am making on the stock market. Although I am caring only enough to pay off my debts, I also have put out the request to make enough money somehow so that my mother can retire happily inside of a beautiful new home and for my friends Justin and Seth to be able to live on a nice property where they can pracitise homesteading and self-sufficiency.

But... What do I really want for my next miracle? What is easily achieved right now? What is most important and why am I leaning so heavily towards something that is self-serving?

To clarify, I am leaning towards the idea of having Fola wake herself up enough to love me again.

It sounds ridiculous and... my God... why is THIS what I want most?

Validation? From a woman that has caused me so much pain over the three years we've been together? Who now openly confesses to thinking about another guy? Who says "thank you" when I say that I love her? Who does not open herself up for a phone call despite the many times I've done it for her when I didn't feel like doing so?

Why am I so... obsessed with this woman? When many times before I wanted to be rid of her?

Why am I holding onto her so tightly?

And I can only answer that it must be because I want to feel loved. To have sex. Be intimate.

And yet she said to me earlier that we cannot be intimate.

She is setting the rules of the game in place here and it is not to my benefit and there is no agreement or consultation on my part.

No respect given.

And yet... I'm still wanting for her to love me like she claimed she did.

Despite her words, her action says something else altogether.

I suppose I want to punish her betrayal somehow... perhaps I have Stockhold Syndrome and I am loving my captor who punishes and humilates me.

That is such a shitty way to be. Although I have heard on a podcast with Matt Belair yesterday that Viktor Frankl of "Man's Search for Meaning" has himself mentioned that loving one's captor is how we transcend the hate in our hearts and evolve.

Perhaps this is what I must do and yet... I do not want to continue being disrespected and taken for granted.

I have so much to offer a woman.

But I must first offer that to myself... my life needs to come first before any other.

My purpose must be for more than to simply be in a loving relationship.

That... is not what I want the movie of my life to look like. This needy, sensitive, angry and vindictive and perhaps even manipulative person trying to get someone to love him.

It's pathetic.

So... perhaps I will focus on miracle #4 to be some form of transcendence from the wounds that I have been suffering since Lauren... or earlier... whatever it is that is making me feel so needy and insecure without intimacy in my life that I over-share and become more vulnerable than I need to be with someone who is unwilling to reciprocate and do the same.

 No. I must materialize respect for myself. Love for who I am. 

Admiration and appreciation for the soul that is within my body.

I have had miracles occur in the past. This heart of mine is a great teacher. Although it mumbles at times and I have difficulty understanding it; I always know that when it is feeling "filled" like it is right now, than it means that I am not alone. There is something else with me. 

It is something that loves who I am. Perhaps it is my soul or higher self that is pushing that "notification" into my heart for me to be able to feel it.

Perhaps it is trying to communicate with me the only way it can.

Through emotions and feelings.

This would make sense.. and it is a fine fiction to accept in the event that it is not actually what the truth is.

But I think chances are good that it IS the truth. That these feelings are a form of communication with something of divine origin and purpose.

One thing I have learned from Gregg Braden is that the universe can only communicate through emotions. Perhaps this is my opportunity to express gratitude for the love that is trying to make it's way through. Perhaps I may answer it with a love of my own. Appreciation. Genuine, sincere appreciation.

And.. though there is such darkness shrouded upon the world, I must not lose my faith in the goodness of who I am and what I have to offer. And to believe that there is still good people out there even if many have lost their way.

Perhaps I must look upon the mask wearers not with contempt but with sympathy.

Compassion.

For who am I to be telling someone how to live or think or feel?

And that is a common problem in my life. That I do not respect the soverignity of those who I deem to be in need of rescue from their prison of ignorance.

Some people do not want to leave those prisons.

Just like myself... they prefer to love their captor... to feel that abuse is warranted on some deep, subconscious level... and... to not allow any outside force to upset the comfort that they have built for themselves inside of confined walls that they are fearful of leaving behind.

I am not much better than they are. I am in a prison of my own making, just as they.

I am jailed by a woman who does not have my best interests in mind. Or she rarely does.

And that needs to stop.

Thank you for being here my blog. Writing on you helps in connecting more fully with my soul.

I love you.

I appreciate you.

And only fear can destroy us.

It shall not destroy me.

On The Merry Go Round

Well blog, my dear friend. I have so much going on with myself internally that I felt compelled to turn on the laptop and post a few things about it,

I just got back from spending a night on an island in a tent and with a bit of THC involved. It was a good experience. I have been exploring this need of mine to want to be with Fola again and I noticed there were so many fears attached to it. Namely around the guy she is infatuated with at the moment.

At one point while on my knees and looking at the sun, I had to be completely honest with myself and admit before God that I was scared. And... it felt good to admit it. Because lately I have been trying my best to be as authentic and truthful as possible with my emotions and who I am. Admitting something shameful was a step in the direction of my wanting to be honest.

And I think about past entries in my blog and all the stuff about how I wished Fola could be this or Fola could do that and I realize that I am such a control freak. Or perhaps, I was, because I no longer want to be that kind of man again. I realize now that the ebb and flow of life has to be surrendered towards for better or worse and I find that when I do surrender, wonderful things tend to happen.

For instance on Sunday night, I also was on the island and planned to stay overnight but didn't, because I was underprepared and it was getting cold inside my tent. I decided to take my boat out at 1am and paddle back to the car.

As I was paddling, I couldn't see where I needed to row towards. It was dark and though the sky was beautiful and filled with stars, I had to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing where to go.

My plan was to row towards the shore and then row alongside it with a flashlight as I find the spot where I needed to disembark.

But what happened while rowing is that I saw a bright light flash on for about a minute or so in the distance. It seemed to be from the general area where I had to row towards. So I did. And this bright light kept flashing at me off and on as I was heading towards it. I didn't know what it it was and a part of me thought it was the police wondering why my vehicle was abandoned and if maybe I drowned in the lake or something like that.

Turns out as I made it to shore, the "lighthouse" that I followed was a parked truck with steamed up windows and two people inside that I could barely see. What a welcome sight that was. I had the fear of not being able to find my way and these people just managed to be at this spot in an area that hardly has any visitors, at exactly the time I needed them to be. So I could find my way back to shore.

I don't know why they were turning the lights off and on but I'm glad they did and I thanked the Creator for allowing this moment to unfold as it did.

If you knew the area where I was at, really, nobody goes there. That's why I like it so much. This is why it was so strange to see this truck there at 2am guiding me along.

But that is how it all works. When I can trust my soul and listen to it, really listen, magical things can happen. I have had it happen about a month ago when I listened to the feeling in my heart and managed to find Fola in a park arriving at the exact same time I did. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't. I followed my heart.

So... Yeah... Last night was another emotional experience for me. I had to really dig inside myself to see who I was and what I wanted out of life. I decided that I love Fola and want her to come camping with me. I decided that I want to be in a relationship with her for a little while longer, so she can see that I've changed and I'm no longer the same man I once was.

I am better.

Braver and more confident.

I really appreciate feeling this way. I need to feel this way and I thank my higher self for making it possible.

One thing I thought about last night was exactly this. The soul. And I began thinking that if I am getting information from the soul then where is the soul getting its information from? I started to try and piece together a theory and came up with something that seemed to make a lot of sense. The soul also has a higher self and that higher self has a higher self. So theoretically we exist across multiple dimensions all linked by the soul in which at the very top of all this may well be God.

That was such a fascinating thought for me to have. Visualizing the multiple versions of myself that exists in these different realms.

And again... it makes sense. I find that when I trust my higher self, good things tend to happen. So why should I stop? Why shouldn't I make this my priority?

And so it is.

For better or worse.

I will have to surrender to this higher self and by doing so, my fears will be greatly reduced if I can hold this belief in my mind that I am being watched over and advised towards.

Because in the past, whenever I operate from this deeper connection, things seem to work out.

So... that's all I wanted to share today. Felt like I needed to get this down.

Thank you blog.

Thank you my Creator.

Thank you higher self.

May we move towards bigger and better things.

Another Day, More Drifting

Strange start of the day. Early this morning I took a peek at Fola's YouTube channel and she uploaded a video talking about dreams. As you know, yesterday I had two strange dreams about her.

So I texted her asking what it was that inspired the video and mentioned I dreamed about her twice.

No response.

Like a chump, I wrote another text asking not to ignore my text and I had to laugh at myself at how dumb I've become.

I have to face that she... well, is not as nice a person as I'd like her to be.

Is she my "twin flame" ... Well... She is someone I have a strong connection with that's for sure. I still haven't decided what it could be.

And... sighs... I feel like I'm drifting. Not really getting anywhere. Still confused about my purpose on this planet. But... I still know that I need to surrender to a higher intelligence. Because it IS there. No doubt in my mind that it isn't.

This... means... Well, last night I went for a walk in the rain because I needed to get my 5,000 steps in (FitBit) and... the thought of all this... those feelings in my chest and knowing I have some kind of ally... It was comforting. I cried a small tear in the rain at night... around midnight and stood there. Looking up at the sky, feeling the drops on my face.

It was... good for me to do this. To think. And feel. And stay hopeful and connected.

There is a God.... something is and has guided me at various times throughout my life. I know this because... well... because I do. I feel like I have accumulated enough evidence to prove this is true.

What I don't understand is my relationship to this power. Is it me? Is it... external? Higher self?

I don't know and last night on my walk I was thinking that it was... this is all a simulation.

It really is a game.

And... I've noticed that.. these feelings in my heart and head are indicative of something mysterious and attentive...

So... while I don't understand it very well, I understand why it may not want to be understood.

But I am asking to understand it. I will do well with the knowledge received.

And this has produced a slight dilemma for me to consider.

Will I abuse this power?

I really hope that I don't. I don't want to use this information for superficial means. To know that I can manifest things. To have "psychic" powers.

I really only want to be happy. To find my purpose. To serve and to love and be loved.

By someone who deserves and has earned it.

And is willing to receive it in turn.

I... feel that I know who she is. She is... across the border and while I don't feel like I can simply go there and connect, I do know that any kind of plan being enacted takes time to execute even if don't know what it is or how it works.

I am choosing to believe there is a plan. Much of the events in my life appear to be in service of my personal evolution.

It was different being away from Fola... Three years together... My longest ever relationship and I still feel confused by her and perhaps women in general.

And I think she is still confused by me.

I'd need to be with someone who has nuance. Who can appreciate a complex view and doesn't judge quickly. Someone free and open with their heart and thoughts and feelings.

And fears... A shared vulnerability is so important.

Still though... this week is going to be an experiment for me. I want Fola to contact me. To come see me in person. I want to try and manifest this into being. I need to understand who is doing what and what I may be able to do.

Right now she is ignoring me. Fine. I cannot call or text or email or show up at her house.

I was drawn to her last week and somehow knew where she was.

So... I will try something a little different. I will try and bring her to me.

If I fail, that is okay. But I will do my best to ensure that I give this a good effort.

I need to know.

Wish me luck.

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

I don't like this, blog.

Today was unusual and so was last week.

At around 330am I woke up from a dream which rarely happens. Both waking up at that time and remembering this particular dream.

In it, I recall a white guy that somehow was associated with Fola. Likely her new boyfriend (which I don't think she has) or someone she has designs on or something... In any case, the dream carried the message of her being with another guy. He had on a backward baseball cap and looked... uhm... like a jock.

Then later that same morning after falling asleep, I woke up with another dream of her. This time, Fola was talking about how it is better to love your community than to work on expressing love inside of a relationship. Strange how I remembered this dream too,

And... early in the morning, I started feeling that heat coming off of my chest. It lasted for about an hour or so. I felt strongly that it was connected to her. Maybe she was thinking or talking about me or something else was happening.

Later that afternoon at around 5, I felt it again. Same glowing warmth.

Want to hear something even stranger? This happened last Wednesday.

It was around 11am when I felt like going to the park. It was a nice day and I didn't feel like going to any of the ones in the Fort. So while driving, the words "Jackie Parker" came to mind and...

This is where it gets weird.

On the way there I start feeling warm in the chest again. It was intense. And I KNEW it was connected to Fola. It felt like... I don't know... this.. thing consuming me... I looked at the clock and mentally sent an image to her of me going to the park.

Took me about 30 minutes to get there while feeling all this and driving past her sister's house on the way. I fought the urge to drive around the block to see if I could spot her car.

So... I'm about ten minutes from the park where I see an SUV in front of me. There was people inside and a lot of movement. Someone was looking at me in the driver's side mirror and I was still feeling these strong sensations.

It took a few minutes of me to realize that it was her.

She was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR.

As soon as she signaled to make a left turn to go into the park, I knew.

I shook my head.

And parked next to her where she came out with her sister and child.

This is STRANGE.

SO STRANGE.

Those feelings were STRONG. I just KNEW she was going to be there and she was.

We ended up hanging out and talking for over an hour for the first time in three months.

There... is no doubt that I believe in God. No doubt. But I was very confused. When I got out of my car my hands were shaking. I couldn't believe it. I remembered saying to myself on the way that this would be a good way to confirm these feelings and provide me of evidence for having faith and trusting my instincts.

And I was rewarded.

So... today... twice, I felt those feelings but I didn't feel a pull to go anywhere.

Since that incident, I have been trying to provoke that warmth. To analyze it. To figure out how it works.

And I have not solved this mystery yet.

But I do know that I have an ally of some kind. I do know that for a week prior, I wanted to see Fola again in person. We talked on the phone and it didn't go well.

And... I don't like this because I still don't think she's right for me. I just want us to be on good terms. To be friendly. To still hang out and talk and...

Respect what we once had. Respect each other.

This has been an interesting week for my faith. I know God exists and this is proof on top of other proofs. I have had these chest sensations before and they often preclude a positive event of some kind.

So, I'm going to trust it. Even as I type I feel a glimmer of warmth that has lasted for several hours now.

I... feel like I still don't know what to do with my life. I have been praying much more lately with greater depth of emotion and...

I'm going to keep doing that. I know who I am and who I was but I do not know what to do and where to go.

I will have to trust God with that. The Creator. The Intelligence. The Programmer. The Architect. Whatever and whoever it may be.

I've really been paying much closer attention to my connection lately. With Fola and with God.

And I admit that I... like this relationship. This... "miracle" has helped strengthen my faith and prompted me to consider it more fully.

Because as fun as "psychic powers" is, I don't care about having that. What I care about is knowing that I am being watched over, protected and guided.

And I have been guided to her that day.

I feel... that even though she is not the right lady for me, I feel that there is something that needs to be resolved. Or taught. Or learned.

It doesn't feel "over" to me yet.

And... I am kind of embarassed by my blog. I'm sorry. some of these entries are... so childlike and sloppy and... not particularly articulate that I don't know if I'd feel comfortable with people reading it. Nobody has. Except for Georgina. Once.

And that didn't go over very well.

So... I'm not sure... This feels so much like an important time to be alive. That... history is being made with all that's been going on with the virus and BLM and these things.

It almost feels like the end times are here.

And I want to set things right. I want Fola and I on good terms.

Not... like this. Distant. Not talking.

Bitter.

Pretending like the last three years didn't matter.

It... hurts in a way but... I'm not too bothered by it.

I know the woman that I want in my life and she is not here right now.

I want to get to her.

Or to have her come to me.

But the connection with Fola is unmistakable and I feel this needs to be explained or resolved before...

Before the next step. Whatever it is.

So... should my words have a magic of themselves as effective as prayer...

I ask you.. humbly... to have Fola come see me in person, soon.

I don't know how or why or when...

But this is something that I need. I need to see if it was my faith that had me behind her car going to the same place I was.

Was it all me? Or did she have something to do with it?

Are we linked? Can this link be broken or will it always endure?

Must this link be severed?

I don't know....

More questions to think about....

And... the days roll on without much to show for it.

Getting my polish passport. I need an exit strategy.

Strange also... that I feel so compelled to get it.

And I don't think Fola and her sister and Ivy would be able to leave Canada with me should the time ever come to do so.

So...

Yeah...

I am in God's hands...

And I am proud to be.

Even though I am quite confused at the moment.

The answers will come.

Ask and ye shall receive.

As it once was.

Amen.

The Great Pause

Again, been over a month since I posted last and now I'm really starting to see things clearly.

Every day brings forward a new insight or observation that in some cases, completely renders past viewpoints obsolete.

For example, in my last post I was raving about David Wilcock.

No more. I now know what he REALLY is trying to do.

Just like with Stephen Greer who I never liked. An obvious disinformation agent.

Just like David is.

Now, this was an insight that... sprung upon me in incremental steps. It is like... finding a piece of a puzzle here, a piece there, and it all forms into this picture that I can't ignore and realize that I was thinking about it all wrong before. In most cases, these insights aren't even... sought. I wasn't looking to discredit Wilcock but... I was lead to information that showed me the truth of who he is.

Including "randomly" coming across a guy on Facebook who was giving away FREE stickers that look like this:

Last week he sent me a HUGE amount of free stickers in the mail along with a tshirt. I was shocked at how generous he was with the contents. I've been plastering these stickers in random locations across the city since. At least one per day.

He also has a website available here.

Now... I wasn't... an anti-alien guy before.. well, earlier than a month ago. I didn't COMMIT to the idea of aliens being unwanted on this planet. I know.. this is a very strange view to have but as someone who has been interested in the subject since six or seven years of age, I have to say that it is quite an evolutionary jump I've made in my opinion on this topic.

What does this have to do with Greer or Wilcock? Get a load of this.

I've always felt that something was *off* about these guys and other people who promote a POSITIVE image of aliens and wanting disclosure to happen, etc.

What was that off feeling? I could never figure it out even though I can find myself nodding along in agreement with some of the arguments proponents have made for alien disclosure.

Now I realize that revealing the existence of an intelligent/advanced race at THIS time in our history would be DISASTROUS for the collective psyche. It's BAD enough already with the NWO attempting to put humanity on it's knees. It'll be even worse if aliens were tossed into the mix.

Now... A lie is only effective when it is perceived to be truth. How can you make someone believe a lie?

Tell the truth MOST of the time.

This is what these "benevolent" alien shills are doing.

They give us that info we crave about intelligent lifeforms and UFOs and discuss their technologies about how amazing it would be to heal people or to use anti-gravity or travel to faraway planets in the blink of an eye, etc.

What they DON'T tell you is that the GOOD aliens (yes, there are good and bad ones) WILL NOT directly intervene with the evolution of our planet in a way that would establish contact with us.

Why? Because it would be in violation of the quarantine that they have placed around us. I don't feel like discussing what the quarantine is or why or how, but the Van Allen belt exists for a reason.

The GOOD aliens DO work as engineers. As watchdogs. As stewards of our planet. The... wizard behind the curtain, let's say. Ensuring that we don't wipe ourselves out through war or even disease like we are dealing with the "virus" right now.

Let it be known that covid was intended to be MUCH MUCH worse than it turned out to be.

We can thank the extraterrestials who are in alignment with God for that.

Now... What Wilcock and Greer want to do is garner public sentiment to introduce (and accept) this other group of aliens. The EVIL aliens.

Evil aliens who abduct people. Mutilate cows. Aliens who live underground and among us and manipulate powerful figures to do their bidding.

THOSE aliens are...

Well...

Demons.

The good ones are angels.

Can you BELIEVE THIS?

It took me a long while to really find evidence to support this conclusion. As I said, I've been into this stuff from a very young age. I DO keep up with alien/ufo news and books and articles and accounts. Been doing it for years.

And... I have often wondered if that was the case. Maybe in the Bible and the Koran and other historical accounts that discuss demonic entities or visitors were really talking about aliens.

What the hell else could it be? Why would a demon be different than an alien?

Look at these images and tell me that these inspire anything but fear in your heart. Or... some form of... distancing because.. it just doesn't look like a creature that anyone would want to actually interact with.

Name me ONE instance of alien abduction/visitation where.. the victim has had their life radically transformed for the BETTER after coming into contact with these things.

I can't think of a single example. All those years of reading and not one case I can think of.

You think Betty and Barney Hill enjoyed their experience? Whitley Strieber has lost his mind and every other abductee like Travis Walton gets ridiculed and shunned and fall into depression and... man...

The GOOD aliens KNOW this. They KNOW these evil entities DO exist and they are in BATTLE with them.

The quarantine exists for a reason. Because we are under protection. We are being watched.

We are more important than we realize to these creatures.

I have heard of accounts of abductions and experiences with aliens that had the victims call upon the name of Jesus Christ and strangely, it works.

I wasn't sure what to make of that over all these years. It was a puzzle piece I kept on hand to fit into a larger picture later.

Now... That larger picture has revealed itself.

Yes. There are aliens. Yes UFOs are real. Yes they have been around as long as we have. Yes some do live here. Yes there was a war between them in our history. Yes there has been technological developments in which these beings get credit for.

We've always had angels and demons fight over us.

Always.

Since day one.

And now... this invisible war continues with covid-19.

The Lucifierian elite are... doing their best to have us all cower before them enough to hand over the reigns of power.

Fully and completely. Because we're scared.

But it's not working.

The plandemic is not having the effect they hoped it would.

Most of us are not scared of the virus. We're more frightened by the government. The authorities that tell us we need to stay home and wear a mask each time we go out and the entities that censor public discourse on YouTube and Twitter... THOSE are the real things we're most frightened by.

So... interesting times indeed.

As I realize all this... I find myself becoming ever more nearer to God himself.

I feel so much more connected. And grateful to be given what I now know and understand.

And blessed.. so blessed for what is to come in my future.

I have cried a few times over this. Cried over seeing people fight back in the YouTube or Twitter comments and various other places.. Watching this battle take place and the valiant warriors who are pushing back the horde.

Trump is the general of God.

And...

Sighs...

Well... I know more than this... I just don't want to write about it all.

I've been making preparations lately. My heart is pulling me in several directions. Compelling me to do certain things that I don't quite understand the reason for, but trusting it just the same.

There... is so ... much... I could write about.

This blog... even... has revealed to me it's purpose.

And now... I understand why I wrote in it for all those years.

I understand why I chose not to make it public.

I understand... what it was intended to be for.

And... I love you. Dear reader. I love you...

I don't know what date you're reading this on but I hope you go over my history and see that I am a real human being in the flesh.

And come to your own conclusions about the evidence that shall be revealed.

In time.

Meanwhile, I think I will be taking a long pause. A great pause as my title indicates.

Until... the time is right.

For as the war rages on...

I am not going to stand idly by.

But I am not going to do anything more than what is needed, either.

I have gone through a lot before... I've earned a reprieve.

I've earned a seat in the audience.

Now...

It's humanity's turn.

The Exquisite Lightness of Being

Hello blog, it has been over a month since I posted last.

...Well...

What an amazing time to be alive.

COVID-19 and all that it has done. Slowed down the world. Going to reset the financial system. It'll prompt an evolution in consciousness and completely change our lives.

Just to name a few of the things that I am thankful for.

... I'm coming off of listening to a live broadcast from David Wilcock (David Wilcock on the Great Pandemic, Part IV) and... I cried.

Cried because during the meditation I caught a glimpse of heaven. Of perfection. Of beauty and strength and glory.

Before this meditation I had my notebook and was scribbling stuff about decalcifying the pineal gland. I wanted to know as much as I could about this because I've experienced an "unlocking" or unblocking of my pineal gland a few times before and... I wanted it again. I wanted to keep it permanent. Not fade away like it did in the past. To see such love and beauty in the world for but days or weeks or hours only to return to darkness and despair.

David Wilcock is not who I expected to be making a difference in my life right now. I never did think he would be the man I most look up to and need at this moment. I've known about him for years and... really.. I could not have seen this coming.

Read his books. Watched him on Ancient Aliens... kind of shook my head at his "I am the reincarnation of Edgar Cayce" proclamation and... really just took it all with a huge grain of salt. I mean.. that's kind of how I am. I treat information as innocent until proven guilty. I sometimes need a strong amount of evidence to validate a certain narrative and David mainly came in with anecdotal evidence to back up some of his more outlandish claims. So... it kind of made me more skeptical than I needed to be.

No longer. I am hanging onto his every word now.

Again... that meditation was beautiful. His wife Elizabeth was on these singing bowls and... I really like David's voice and style. I've never... liked guided meditation. Ever. Never found a voice that I enjoyed listening to or didn't have to strain to understand.

But him and his wife were perfect. In fact... his wife sounds and seems a lot like Fola...

Speaking of which... we're ... broken up now I guess. I hit the limits of my patience. I could not... stand her antagonism and ... her obvious pride at being a destructive and chaotic force.

She read some of my blog during the last day we were together. Sitting at my table for a few hours... in silence and... uncertainty about where to go next.

In my blog I called her an agent of chaos. The next day on Facebook she posted about how proud she was to be called an agent of chaos.

Yeah... we're not going to work.

I want harmony and love and peace and respect and understanding and compassion.

Not fucking chaos.

The last time she was here with her daughter and sister, she... tried to goad me into having an argument right there in front of every one. Was just pressuring me to blurt out the negative thoughts I was keeping. Didn't want to respect my wishes when I told her that we'd discuss it later.

"No David, tell me what's wrong! Tell me now! Tell me tell me tell me!"

Such a lack of self-awareness. I swear... Her level of ignorance is unreal.

And as I mentioned many times before... my definition of evil is that of willful ignorance.

And evil... well... evil means not to be in alignment with Truth.

Desiring NOT to be in alignment, that is.

Lately... I've been having a lot of realizations. I now understand why I have been seeing 33 all over the place this year. I now understand who Fola actually is and what her allegiance is towards. I understand her mission, I understand her purpose and I understand her struggle and ignorance and confusion and fear and hatred...

Though she doesn't exhibit it publicly or even privately most of the time, it's there. And it's a mess.

Her wanting to join the OTO was a dead giveaway. My... fuck... my opinion didn't mean a thing to her. I did NOT want her to join. I showed her information about how members were about orgies and sex magic and women drinking semen and blood and laying naked on altars and... Crowley saying how children should be corrupted and... how you have to do whatever they tell you to do under oath which involves the greatest of spiritual consequences to one's soul...

None of it made any difference to her. Didn't matter how many links I sent her or how angry I got.

Here's a copy of the OTO contract. You going to sign onto this? And I send her a link to the contract which basically comes down to giving them permission to do whatever they want with you. Even if it results in injury or death.

She didn't want to listen to me so... days later she consulted with her shaman teacher and then decided to cancel her application.

Fucking idiot. I'm sorry... yeah... that's the woman I love and I do not like to call anyone an idiot but...

She's an idiot.

The fact that she is so worried about someone abusing her child that she can't trust the father of her own child is ... so fucking hypocritical when actually putting in an application to join the OTO.

So fucking hypocritical.

But... I'm not going to get mad about this anymore. We're done. I told her she still has to break up with me because I have tried it enough times before without any success. I am not going to leave this relationship until she lets me.

Even if it means that I won't see her again.

I don't care. We simply can't co-exist. We don't get along.

She's right. We are a shitty team.

I'm thinking about how I asked her to help me move a couch from upstairs to the basement. Halfway through she drops the couch and starts talking about how much of a shitty team we are while I am getting more and more frustrated with her inability to cooperate and get a task done.

Five minutes and the couch could have been in the basement. Mission accomplished. But no... she wants to drop it on the floor and tell me what a shitty team we are and, oh! What should we do about that David?

Yeah. She can go her own way. I'll go mine.

I know who my true love is.

She's on the other side of the border.

I've known who she is for over ten years now... more.. 15 I think...

I know who I am now.

Although I don't quite know what my purpose is yet.

But I do know that I am being listened to.

And helped.

My prayers are being answered.

After all these years of suffering and heartache and confusion and longing.

Wishing and hoping and dreaming and wondering.

Wondering when is it all ever going to make sense? Why is the world so fucked up? Why can't I find a good woman to be with and start a family with?

These questions are being answered.

The only thing I wish I could experience more... is... a greater connection. That is why I am looking into taking this pineal gland decalcification stuff seriously.

In the past, drinking purified/mineralized water made a huge difference to me.

So did fasting.

Now I'm going to be taking it seriously and see what happens. I'll have to adjust my diet as well because I'm 200lbs. Even my mother who always laughed at me saying that I'm on a diet is actually even supporting my idea of being on a diet due to her seeing my weight on the scale.

...Well... I don't need to write much. I think... I realize now that...

Hmm. I don't even need to say what I realize.

This blog already achieved it's purpose.

Now that I am seeing things more clearly.

I don't know if it is my mission to write a book.

But...

Maybe.

We'll see.

Right now my mission is to live.

To live and... evolve.

To grow into who I am most meant to become.

To peel off the layers...

And...

Rise.

...

This blog...

Thank you. Thank you...

Thank you for being here. Thank you for my family. Thank you for covid-19.

Thank you God.

Thank you Trump.

Thank you Fola.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you to all.

May I find the love I deserve.

And honour you all by it.

The Road to Evolution is Long

It's been five days since I've received my new hearing aids. Phonak Audeo Marvels and...

The road to evolution is long.

First of all, this was a big step for me and hearing aids are something I should have gotten years ago. But... These ones are hard getting used to wearing. Mainly because of AutoSense 3.0 which is this program inside of them that automatically adjusts to whatever listening environment you're in. For instance, walk inside of a noisy restaurant and these hearing aids will mute sound around you so you can focus on the person speaking. Sounds great in theory but really, I dislike how I'm constantly having to hear these fades and mutes and changes in my hearing second by second, minute by minute.

And really... Why is it that I can hear someone talking across the street but when I am speaking with a cashier, their voice sounds muted and I have to strain to understand what they are saying?

AutoSense 3.0 is the default setting of these aids. I can't turn it "off". Best I can do is load up a custom program with as few bells and whistles enabled but even that is not a good solution. Mainly because the Phonak app simply reverts to AutoSense when the app is closed or the hearing aids disconnect from bluetooth which does happen regularly enough.

It's frustrating. So was getting fitted for these. Karen, my audiologist, seemed to have rushed me out the door without verifying the settings. No hearing test, no real-ear measures, just "how does it sound? good? great." while sitting across from me in relative silence. That doesn't sound like a professional fitting to me.

Well... what do I think of these hearing aids in general? They're interesting. Yes, some sounds are crisp and clear and I really like the bluetooth streaming from the TV but... talking to someone on the phone with these often results in poor audio for the caller as these hearing aids are picking up background noises and produces an echo effect. Not good. I tried disconnecting from them when sound quality was poor and placed the phone to my ear. That didn't work well either, as I couldn't hear what the caller was saying with a phone up against my hearing aid. Strange. So I had to pull the entire HA out just to have a phone conversation.

That's not good.

And the mild plugged up feeling I'm having isn't great either. There's a bit of an occlusion effect and it feels a lot like I'm going around with fingers in my ears. It's really obvious whenever I am talking or eating food.

Not good either.

I wish I could report that these aids make a huge difference but so far... they've been underwhelming.

I thought it would be harder to adjust to wearing them out in public, but I was surprised at how comfortable they are and how little I cared about what people think. That used to be such a barrier for me in getting them in the first place. I didn't want to be perceived as "different" from everyone else.

But really... these hearing aids are so small that they can hardly be seen. And... that helps with self-image a lot.

Yet... my confidence hasn't improved wearing them. On Saturday I nearly felt brought to tears after listening to them fade in and out with AutoSense making constant adjustments and I couldn't hear my own mother next to me because there was a bit of wind outside and the HA dampened everything around me.

I thought it was amazing that I could hear the turn signal on my car making a racket, but rolling down the window while driving changes the overall sound and I hear a muted environment.

Watching TV with them on and Fola next to me... geez.. I can't hear her very well if I'm looking directly at the screen. I have to face her just so the hearing aids "kick in" and mute background noises. It's frustrating and disconcerting to be at the mercy of some "intelligent" algorithm that dictates what it "thinks" you need to be listening to when really, I just want a constant, stable listening experience so I can forget that I am even wearing hearing aids.

Anyways...

That said... I feel frustrated and... distant lately. I'm... still unemployed and uncertain of my future and what concerns me is that I am not taking life very seriously. I... know I need money... to find a better career than insulating... to work on my resume, to make progress to have hope.... and... I just don't care it seems. I don't... feel optimistic about my future...

I feel depressed.

My own girlfriend doesn't help with any of this. She does in small ways, but not in the most meaningful of ones.

I feel like my life has been hijacked by her own. She's doing this expo soon and is asking me for help with various things.

... I don't know blog... I feel like my identity has crumbled.

And... though I said I feel depressed, honestly... I feel more defeated than depressed. More ignorant and oblivious than emotionally in tune with who I am.

I think... this distance... this apathy is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness.

I try... and it feels like I fail. Getting hearing aids wasn't the huge transformation I hoped it would be. I thought it would completely change who I am and bring my personality back. Bring back home and optimism and confidence...

But... these things are still eroded.

And my reaction is to not... get all emotional about it.

Maybe I should cry... maybe I should laugh... but I'm in the middle somewhere.

All these things in the world are scaring me. The future scares me.

And... I can't keep on being scared.

If I can't be more optimistic, then I'll just... disconnect.

From myself and the world around me.

So yes... I need to reclaim myself. I feel... What I miss most is that feeling of connectedness. To myself, to others around me, to... life in general.

I find that I am caring less and less about the circumstances I'm in and that's not good.

I said in an earlier post that it was God's turn to show me the path to take. I'm seeing paths but not enough signs encouraging enough to convince myself with. Like... World Financial Group seems to be an option for a career, yet... I don't know how much of a struggle that would be. I'm concerned about the level of ambition and motivation required. I'm concerned about exactly what I will need to do in order to become successful while doing it. I need to keep looking into it before I commit.

But... I'm... not looking forward to integrating myself in with the world with these hearing aids. Given that they are acting as they do.

Thanks AutoSense 3.0. You've really dampened my enthusiasm for wearing them.

... Well.

Life goes on.

And I need to stop being still.

Your turn God.

I've gotten the hearing aids.

Now what?

Unhappy Valentine's Day

What a rough night yesterday was. It ended with Fola crying and me feeling helpless, unloved and at loss for words.

I think the catalyst was the moment when she asked me to show her affection. I wasn't doing that. I mean... I did earlier, but she didn't seem to enjoy it or felt like reciprocating.

So, I withdrew,

And when it came to the point later that day where she asked me to show her affection, I thought about how it has been with us the past few weeks where she didn't show much affection to me at all.

Some of the things that happened in that time include:

Her making a joke about fucking a guy "I'd let him fuck me" who we were watching in an interview.

Her making a joke about me being in a dress and that I'd make a good housewife.

Her making a joke (shortly after the dress) about me being Rose and her being Jack (from Titanic).

Her comment about how she would never want to have a baby with me because of my issues with hearing. The way she said this... made my heart sunk.

Her... still not moving in. Saying first that she wants her daughter to have a bed, but IKEA is sold out of the only one she wanted. This means she is not moving in until a bed is found. Oh... and she now doesn't have money to afford paying for a bed because of other expenses. I don't know when she is moving in but she isn't taking it seriously. It's been three months since we agreed for it to happen. She then said March is more likely, because her being at the Expo is stressful and time-consuming and moving out before it takes place is not something that is on her mind right now.

Other things have happened in those two weeks. Rejected me for sex twice. Wasn't affectionate. Withdrawn. Argumentative. Dismissed the concerns I've had with her behavior. Neglected my own need for affection and closeness. Answers with "I don't know" when asked about why she is feeling closed off. Answers "good" and "well" whenever I ask how a certain event is/was without adding anything further.

It just goes on and on.

Last night she asked for affection and the past two weeks have... left me feeling empty, jaded and emasculated.

I can't... just... be affectionate because she asks me to. I still felt the rejection and the pain of the last two weeks she's caused and... it doesn't just disappear with a snap of her fingers.

Yesterday we went for lunch at Tonys Pizza and then for a massage. Walking into Tony's had her look at me impassively with a "oh, hello" when I first saw her. No smile, no hug, no... affection.

The conversation that followed was awkward. I didn't feel... alive around her. I felt... like my guard was up and... my level of excitement was gone.

And of course... why would she open up and be affectionate when I'm withdrawn?

It's an ugly cycle with us.

But I feel like I've been shit on enough times in the past few weeks that... though it wasn't a conscious decision, I had every right to sulk and not feel connected to her.

I've tried to reach out to her a few times this week and it was... not reciprocated.

I've always been an affectionate person. I like touching. I like holding hands. I like hugs and kisses. I like sex.

But she doesn't care for these things.

Only when she wants them she does and that... usually means she wants them when I withdraw from her. When she's pushed me down far enough that I don't feel like being affectionate. That's when I'm asked for affection once she realizes that it's missing.

It's a stupid game.

Why does it have to be played like this?

Last night I bought her flowers, a book and a toy. I also cleaned up her kitchen. But none of that made any difference when it came to sitting on the couch afterwards. She didn't reach out to touch me. Didn't show any affection herself.

Saying "thank you" isn't enough. You have to show gratitude. Express it physically. At least for me that is what I want.

Anyone can say thank you. Takes less than a second to say these words. Takes more time and effort to show how thankful you actually are, which she doesn't often do.

Yes. She brought me a Valentine's day card with nice words on it and small gifts. I wasn't expecting that. We've never celebrated Valentine's Day before. She normally doesn't care about anniversaries or celebrations.

The first Valentine's Day we've had, she texted me a nice sexy photo collage of her body parts with Happy V-Day.

I miss that. She baked me blueberry scones in those early times as well.

Was enthusiastic about sex and excited to see and be with me.

...Guess those were the good old days.

So... last night she cried next to me on the couch after asking for affection and I brought up how much I was hurting.

I didn't know what to do.

I pulled her in and held her for a bit.

And... Had to go home... so I hugged and kissed her at the door and left.

Felt like I took initiative both times there. She didn't.

I don't think she leaned in for a kiss. I don't think she reached out for a hug at all yesterday.

Why does it have to fall on me?

There is no worse feeling when one needs something in a relationship and it gets rejected.

It's happened to me a few times in the last couple weeks and I began to withdraw. To stop being vulnerable or take initiative,

Of course she wouldn't be attracted to a withdrawn, closed-off partner.

But... fuck... why can't she see how much she's hurt me?

Why does she not think any of this damage needs repairing? Why won't she take my concerns seriously rather than get defensive and point fingers back at me and saying that she doesn't have to make up for anything?

That doesn't resolve arguments.

It fosters resentment. Apathy. Loss of connection.

If your partner tells you they are feeling hurt and invalidated and taken for granted... maybe the best thing to do is to really listen to what they're saying.

And take it seriously.

Seriously enough to ask if maybe... MAYBE, some of what your partner is feeling is something that you could be responsible for causing.

That's been a big problem in our relationship. Fola feels that individuals are accountable only to themselves. How I feel is not because of anything she's done, but because of a choice I've somehow made to feel a certain way. Therefore, I am responsible for the emotions that arise whenever someone hurts me.

That makes sense on a certain level. Yes, I can manage the reaction I feel whenever I get insulted or rejected but that doesn't absolve the perpetrator. It doesn't mean they can continue to attack and belittle and insult.

No. I can choose not to get upset. But I can also choose to remain skeptical and guarded around them from now on. Rightfully so, because why would I allow myself to be hurt or disrespected?

Why would I continue to put up with abuse?

But because she is my girlfriend and I see her frequently... The best option is not to hide or avoid but to... just withdraw.

At least for me, that is.

I've told her what bothers me and I keep telling her what bothers me... After that, it's in her hands.

She doesn't think she needs to make up for anything or that she's done anything wrong.

Yes... she's apologized for saying things like she doesn't want to have a baby with me because of my hearing but the damage something like that causes is not easily fixed overnight.

That damage lingers.

From her perspective, it was her saying something with impulsiveness and thoughtlessness and that it should be immediately forgiven after apologizing.

It's not so easily forgiven.

Saying "sorry" does not work when a certain amount of pain is caused to someone. Purposefully or through neglect. Or ignorance.

I doubt that if I punched an old lady on the street and said "sorry" that it would be acceptable enough for her and that she will move on, having forgiven me.

But that is what Fola expects. She doesn't think that apologies have to be earned. Forgiveness has to be earned.

It's... just her beliefs.

The fault is with me because I cannot seem to forgive her as easily as she likes.

There is a reason why I ruminate over certain incidents in our relationship.

Because that pain was not resolved or accounted for.

It was left out there like it meant nothing.

And then forgotten about.

She may not carry the wounds or memories of the things she's done, but I certainly do.

I have just read an article on Medium by Caitlin Johnstone in where she talks about power. She says:

"Power is the ability to control what happens. Absolute power is controlling what people think about what happens."

I feel absolutely powerless with Fola.

I can't do anything.

Do anything but be who I am.

A sensitive guy that tries to hide it.

Because few people appreciate or respect the depths of how I feel.

Maybe I want too much.

But after watching this video yesterday:

And seeing real happiness between people.

Maybe I am not wanting enough.

I deserve better.

Maybe she does too.

I don't know.

I have said in my last post that it is God's turn. That same day lead me to a few realizations.

And I'm thankful for them.

Thankful for the forces that helped.

But...

I still need help.

I still need a path forward.

Tuesday is when I'll be ordering hearing aids for the first time.

I haven't worn them since I was in grade four. Over thirty years ago.

That's... my path forward.

It's all I can do right now.

Your turn again God.

Please show me the way.

New Year New Post

Hi again blog, hate myself right now.

I hate this relationship. It's not what I want it to be.

Feels like I'm being emotionally starved. Yeah... She hasn't moved in yet. Just full of excuses.

Right now we're waiting until next week when a bed for her daughter is available to buy. Then, she'll move in.

She isn't helping with getting the place ready. Nothing of hers is being brought over.

Few days ago she tells me she is feeling "resistance" and doesn't know why.

I'm really tired of it.

So much drama.

I help her a lot and this morning... I find her sleeping on the couch. She tells me about this apocalyptic dream of hers and then... well, she gets on her phone and starts texting other people about her dream and does her Facebook stuff and messages and phone calls...

We didn't connect with each other.

I tried... After finding her on the couch and listening to her dream. Touching her... but... She went on her phone after that and a few hours went by like that.

Constantly distracted.

Pulled this way and that.

Not giving attention to this relationship. Asking me for things. "Can you be with me all weekend at the expo?" which is this event she is going to be setting a booth at. I designed her banner.

Didn't feel like it was all that appreciated.

Told me later that it's "my job" to get her a tablecloth for the table at the expo.

I... feel so fucking underappreciated. So... much like a fucking tool.

Drained... Like... USED.

Just being used.

Hardly any real affection between us.

Just as she was about to leave my place, she asked what was wrong. I didn't want to bring up this shit but she got it out of me and predictably wouldn't take responsibility. It's my fault for not speaking up earlier and saying "hey I want to connect with you" like I have to verbally announce it every time I want her to be a loving girlfriend.

Which she isn't. And she's... supposedly moving in.

Agent of chaos, still.

For someone who claims to be a healer and promotes self-love and love and compassion and awareness and higher consciousness... She does a poor job of demonstrating any of that stuff with people close to her.

It's such a sham.

The great pretender.

Days like this make me want to shut the world out and not have anything to do with anyone.

I feel more distanced from my parents than I was before I met her.

I feel more disconnected from myself since I met her.

I think this is an abusive relationship.

Maybe my expectations are too high. Especially for someone like her.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

I have to consider this... but I don't know what to say.

If I wrote a list of qualities my ideal girlfriend has, Fola wouldn't be checking most of the boxes.

That... depresses me because... Why am I still putting up with this?

Because I'm an idiot that wants to love and be loved.

I feel that... I'm...

I'm not being true to myself and what I need.

I feel like I'm being lied to.

She isn't a warm person. She is not compassionate or caring or affectionate or wise.

Sometimes she seems that way and that is when I feel happy to be with her.

But she usually isn't.

And I think that is the reason why abusive relationships last for as long as they do. Because one person keeps thinking the other will change. And those brief moments of genuine love and care for one another is eclipsed by many more moments of disrespect, lack of empathy and a lack of gratitude.

I like to think of relationships as plants that need to be watered.

This one is dry.

Fola isn't the type to be placing much importance on the value of a relationship. I really think she would rather be off fucking a smorgasbord of guys while living on her own.

She doesn't want to settle down and really be with me.

That's why she hasn't moved in yet.

And stupid me continues to believe that maybe things will change for the better.

Somehow.

Someday.

My connection with God.. the... type of connection I had before I met Fola was much more deeper than it is now. I feel... less in tune with who I am and the world around me.

Less happier.

More miserable.

And... I get these fleeting glimpses of affection every once in a while and that seems to be enough to renew my hope with.

We've stopped going to counselling because our counselor was taking a few months off.

I don't think Fola has even read either of the two books we've been recommended. Much less take the relationship seriously enough to work on.

It's the blame game. Over and over. She does something that I feel is her fault (being distant and distracted) and I get told that it is because of something that I did or neglected to say.

Really tired of this.

I don't think my mother likes her either.

I don't... think we're good together.

She isn't bringing out the best in me.

These words are terrible to write. I almost feel like a coward for doing so because...

What am I going to do about all this?

Can this be salvaged? Can it...be better in time?

Why do I hate myself so much to think that this is what I deserve?

I can feel emotions bubbling up in me right now. I also feel that I need to suppress them because letting them out is not going to make me feel any better.

It'll mean acknowledging the pain that is inside.

And I don't... feel like I want to be doing that right now.

I want to cover it all up and pretend like its not there.

That everything is fine. Even when it isn't.

I do deserve better than this.

I know I do.

But maybe... I haven't... really earned that yet. It's like asking for money that I haven't worked for.

Why am I entitled to having it? Just because?

I feel that I've spent a good part of my life chasing down the one I'm meant to be with. Initially I thought it was her.

Now, I'm not so sure.

I have to constantly hear about her business. Constantly hear about her self-improvement but don't really see the results of all this spiritual work she is doing.

And that is frustrating because I can see she does try.

Maybe...

Sighs.

Words are failing me but it seems like whenever I'm doing my own thing without regard for hers, is when she starts to pay attention.

Listen to me write. Just this spineless cowardly man who is uncertain about his future, has lost much of his confidence and complains about shit that he could fix but isn't brave enough to do so.

Gail, Fola's Shamanic teacher once talked with us and told me that I was "very forgiving" and that we both need to learn how to fight.

I don't feel we've progressed much since then.

When I pull away, Fola gets closer. When I want to get closer, she pulls away.

It doesn't make any sense.

A constant power struggle between us.

And I'm not an effective leader when I am this distracted and bogged down by drama that ultimately is meaningless.

I don't want to be involved in all of that. I want to relax. I want to know that she is trustworthy.

Last night we watched a video and she blurts out "that guy can fuck me" for no reason at all.

I still have trust issues.

That kind of remark doesn't sit well with me. Even as a joke, which she claimed it was.

Some joke.

It's these little barbs that make me not want to be with her.

And I can rationalize this relationship is a dozen different ways to make myself feel better about being in it.

But I am losing hope.

I don't want to lie anymore to myself about what I need and who I would want in my life.

But I continue to lie. To deflect. To be distracted.

No wonder I spend a lot of time playing video games.

I don't want to deal with any of this shit.

In Battlefront, I'm a soldier who fights and does an exceptional job of it.

In life, that is a different matter.

Why won't I fight?

Why can't I get what I want?

I know God is out there... This Supreme Intelligence. Aware of my thoughts and feelings and these words on the screen.

I know there is a record of all this someplace.

And I know that help is available.

Which I've asked for.

Repeatedly. Over the years.

As my blog testifies to this.

And... I can only accept the silence as a signal to be patient. A testing of faith.

Either I have faith in the external or I have faith in myself.

I don't know which of the two to stand by.

It feels like one or the other.

I'm tired of this God.

Deliver me from this evil. This temptation.

Grant me a miracle.

Maybe all it takes is... a choice.

But give me the means and optimism to be making that choice.

I can't make that decision in the state that I am in.

I need to feel good and certain about what I do.

I fear the unknown.

I need a light.

A path to go towards.

A reason for being that I don't need to feel uncertain about.

I want to honour you God.

Though life does hurt.

I still want to show you that I care and would do what is necessary to realize the means and ways I can contribute to making the world a better place.

Making myself a better person and others as well.

And... being happy about it all.

Genuinely happy.

Being of service and having that service appreciated.

I don't think it's that much to ask.

I'm tired of asking. Of hoping and begging.

I want you to step up.

And show me that you care, too.

That I am a child that you love.

And would do anything for.

So that I can return that love to you.

And feel proud about it.

That's all I want.

I believe it is your turn.

The Cosmic Wink

Well, here I am again blog. Not sure why I've been taking so long between posts but...

Here I am.

It sometimes gets overwhelming with the amount of events and situations that happens in my life that I feel I can't keep up with it all. Much less blog about it.

Just off the top of my head:

Got laid off just over a week ago
Went to Montreal with Fola
New King sized bedframe and mattress to be delivered
Fola is "working" with my ex-girlfriend Lauren who she randomly came across without knowing
At Sleep Country while looking for pillows, I had an amazing conversation with a lady named Amber about science and geeky things.
Also on that same day at a different Sleep Country with Fola; We were serviced by one of my exes. Amy, who I didn't quite recognize immediately.
Registered our "business" a few days ago

And so on and so forth.

There is so much to deal with and talk about that I don't know where to start.

Oh, and Fola is moving in next month. Beginning of January she says.

We'll see how that goes.

Yesterday she drove me nuts. Was in a good mood that morning until she insisted we take my car to our counselling appointment. Yes, we are seeing a counsellor.

She gets in the car and notices that one of the doors isn't closed. It was the rear-passenger side and she was in the driver's seat. What does she do? Instead of letting me close it (because I was closest), she decided to lean back violently and reach for the handle (which was too far for her to reach, anyways). What happens? My seat flattens out and won't return to it's original position. Ended up breaking the handle on the seat so now it's stuck at a near-full recline. Great. We had to take her car instead.

I owe 860$ after my income tax return was reassessed.

Sighs. Again... I don't know what to talk about or where to start.

I think... I've been looking at Fola not as a girlfriend or life-long partner; but as something else lately.

An agent of chaos. She would admit to this as well, I'm sure. At least from what I've seen of her and the things she says.

For instance, a passage in this workbook she was going through had a passage highlighted talking about how it's good to destroy things in order to make room for new growth.

Yesterday with the car seat and a few other dumb coincidences; it pointed to this very thing. My world falling apart and being destroyed.

Yet, replaced with new growth. Maybe.

We'll see.

So much to talk about that I don't know how to start. Just going to repeat this over and over in a kind of bemused, annoyed and mildly frustrated sort of way.

Agent of chaos.

When I think about that, it puts her presence in my life in a practical perspective.

For instance, now that I know that; it is my duty to present the exact opposite.

Order.

I have to bring order. This means to take responsibility, organize and get my shit together.

Be more disciplined. More sure about what I want and taking the necessary steps to get there.

More inclined to say no to the things that I am asked to do or disagree with.

For instance... Fola...

Sighs... I don't like talking about her on here. I've talked about her so much that I dislike making yet another post with her as a topic.

But... this is what an agent of chaos does. They get into your head. They distract. They overload.

They consume you with trivialities so that the important things are more difficult to get done.

Focus is lost or distorted or misaligned.

Wrapping me up in her drama... daily dramas, is having a detrimental effect.

And that is because I am allowing it to have power over me.

Because I genuinely am a curious and inquisitive person who is interested in the going-ons of other people that I love and care about.

And even with those that I don't.

... I don't know what else to be writing here.

But I'm glad to be writing. To be making this effort.

Organizing my thoughts through the keyboard.

That's important. Even if there is nothing really important being talked about.

I think writing is a way of organizing my thoughts and polishing them up. Exercising these neural pathways and sharpening my objectivity and ability to be present and content with who I am and where I find myself.

Whatever shall be will be. No matter my reaction to any of it.

All I can do is to keep faith. Believe in myself and work towards that which I desire.

Despite all the distractions.

That's what chaos does. Provide distractions and temptations and false promises.

Sometimes it is completely ignorant. Despite my attempts to straighten things out.

Making me feel weak and powerless in the moment.

And if history has taught me anything, my moments of weakness does not necessarily mean that I am and always have been a weak individual.

I have had my moments of personal triumph.

I've risen to the occasion when pressure demands it.

I am still a passionate and good human being no matter how often I may feel otherwise.

Dead and drained and unsure of myself.

Still alive... still me. Even if it is caked over with layers of bullshit.

Still believe in God and in the goodness of others.

Still willing to dedicate myself in service of a higher principle and truth.

Still with faith.

Still with intelligence.

Still with charisma and humor and good things.

Even when it often it covered by the mud of chaos.

I am that I am.

And always shall be.

Crumble

I'm such an idiot for hanging on like this.

These conversations we're having are going nowhere. I can make an articulate argument and it gets ignored and tossed aside.

The question: "what is your main goal?" from her tells me that she does not know me and has no interest in paying attention to a question that I answered in text a day earlier.

I want to be in a happy family.

I want to feel loved and appreciated.

I want someone worth coming home to who feels the same of me.

Someone who knows that living together is the next most important step. Someone who WANTS to move in. Who is excited about it.

Not someone who keeps making excuses. Comparing me with her ex. Saying that she's concerned I'll take advantage of her because she makes more money than I do.

Or someone who says "listen to my meditation and I'll move in with you" but will provide another excuse not to.

Fuck.

Why do I have to listen to her talk about how I don't support her passion and how she is taking these leaps of faith with the things she does but does not have faith enough in this relationship to live together? Or awareness and honesty enough to see how I have been supporting her passions.

One day she'll say "I'm connected to the Pleidian race of aliens!" and if I ask why she thinks that, she'll respond with a shoulder shrug and a "I dunno" and WILL consider me to be an unsympathetic douchebag if I recoil in disgust and try to talk sense into her.

Oh wait, she did say that.

"are you going to rent a place, buy one or move in with me?"

"Idk"

Okay. She doesn't know.

She's... Not in her right mind about many of the things she does and says.

She is such a feeling creature. No logic, little facts, will invent shit and stir drama to propagate a false narrative. Usually so that I look bad when I express frustration at her indecisiveness and lack of integrity or respect for me.

She just wants magical things to happen and for her to feel good. Doesn't matter how. Doesn't matter what she needs to bring to the table or having to keep her word.

She'll joke about my buying her an engagement ring or say something like "I wish I could show more commitment to you" and the next week completely behaves in the opposite direction.

I notice her sabotaging this relationship and at this point, I'm feeling powerless to stop it.

Because I can't win a battle against an insane person. I can't... Make her feel responsible or accountable for things that she promises and says but doesn't follow through on.

I feel... This lack of care in defending myself against her false accusations. Not wanting to meet her friends? Not being supportive of her passions?

Just false. Sometimes it feels like a straight up lie when she ignorantly says these things.

Apparently the purpose of our relationship on a soul level is for her to step into her power and learn self love.

Her words, not mine.

That great connection we had? That instant familiarity? The moments of magic and synchronicity were all because she needed to learn herself, apparently.

This is the girl who when I met her had convinced her husband to sleep around with random people. Because she was absolutely certain she couldn't be monogamous and polyamory is who she "really" is.

I'm just a guy who didn't inspire her to be monogamous or to divorce her husband. I didn't inspire her at all other than to learn to love herself more and to "step into her power".

How far we've fallen from her calling me a twin flame or Gail calling her a twin flame woman. She'll ignore all that. These things don't fit the narrative she is looking to create right now.

She won't express gratitude or acknowledge my role in all this. I'm just a freak catalyst who is helping her to love more before she moves on to whatever other flighty whim she feels she should entertain.

So much for her fulfilling what I think is her soul contract. So much for her wanting to make our relationship strong and to express commitment towards it.

All that stuff about twin flames and living together and dream homes and trips was just to keep me excited and continue to invest energy into this person who by her obvious action (and lack of) is demonstrating that none of what she says is anything worth taking seriously.

Like being connected to aliens.

In a way I feel pity for her.

I want to help but I realize that I've given so much of my time and energy into a narcissist who is unwilling to learn from past mistakes and to develop into someone worthy of respect.

I can't respect someone who enthusiastically wants to move in one day, but changes her mind in a week because "angels" basically told her to wait.

Like I said, I can't win against insanity.

She is not in a right state of mind.

And I feel helpless. I want to...

... I don't think I can help her realize how important our relationship is. There's been enough indications that we have something truly special that deserves to be treated with care and taken seriously.

I've... Tried breaking up with her before but something keeps bringing me back.

I suppose maybe this was never supposed to last but there are important lessons to be learned. For the both of us.

She is going to forget all about this twin flames thing and will say that my only role is to have her step into self love.

And, her being the narcissist she is, will not have an explanation or idea for what role she is supposed to be playing in my life.

Why? Because it doesn't matter to her to be thinking about what role she is supposed to play. Or what changes she is supposed to inspire in me.

It's all about her.

Guess I'm banging my head against the wall and she is pointing and laughing as I do it.

Occasionally she'll make me feel really good to have me stick around and continue to bear the brunt of her ignorance.

I have long said many times on my blog that I feel true evil and sin comes from a place of wilful ignorance.

It is knowing that something is wrong or hurtful but deciding to do it anyways without caring about the consequences.

Without care or compassion for the other person.

She knows how much I value love and she is using it against me.

She is attacking me where I am weakest.

By promising things and creating expectations that she has no intention of fulfilling.

She wants me to believe that they will magically happen on their own.

If she breaks up with me, I'm going to feel sorry for the next fellow she encounters.

But who knows, maybe she will be a different person then. Not such a narcissist who continually invents drama and teases with a carrot dangling on a stick.

But I doubt that will happen.

I have a hard time seeing real goodness and compassion in her. She can't fake these qualities for long.

But she'll definitely fool the next guy for a long while.

And she'll probably even fool herself. Maybe she'll tell him he's her true twin flame and I'll be a tiny footnote in her life journey.

I don't see her as a healer.

I see her as someone desperate to be healed.

If only she would let me.

If only she would want to do the same for me.

Making love to her and looking deeply into her eyes is about the only time I can recognize the love between us and the beauty I see of her soul.

She is trapped by her ego.

And wants to change the world.

Whatever that means.

However that looks.

I suppose helping people with problems over Skype is her idea of doing that.

Forget what I told her about how I think a happy couple in love is inspirational enough to change the world on its own.

Just by being in love, we can show others that it's possible. That it exists. That there is still reason to have hope for this world despite how negative and bleak it has become.

Love endures and thrives like a flower growing inside of a crack in a concrete sidewalk.

No matter what, it endures.

And that has always been a beautiful thing to see.

Playing with Selfishness

Sighs. Well, here we go again. Back to work after eight... wait.. 11... months off?

It's been so long.

Almost a year and I took a call for an 11/3 shift up in Fort McMurray.

Talking about it with Fola prior to leaving, I had tears of bitterness roll down my cheek.

I don't want to be here. This is not the life that I desire to have.

I don't enjoy insulating anymore. Being at the mercy of the weather outside. The tight spots with hot pipes and burn hazards, tripping hazards, loud noises, evacuation alarms, and... all that paperwork to fill out for every single thing we do.

Want to use a harness? paperwork.

Working at heights? paperwork. Also, we need you to wear tool lanyards so you get extra annoyed with using tools attached to ropes that easily get tangled and doesn't stretch out far enough at times to do the task required.

Paperwork. Inconveniences. So much red tape.

Sometimes it takes a couple of hours for us to even begin starting a job.

I don't like it. Yesterday it was pouring rain and in the old days, they would send us home or people would elect to leave and go, but not this place because our company gets paid for us to be there so we are pressured and intimidated and shamed into staying no matter how bad the weather is.

My pants were soaked. Had a rainjacket, but it doesn't do anything to keep water out from my gloves or going down the back of my neck or soaking into my boots.

Anyways... I'm making money again. I've managed to stop the financial bleeding I've been experiencing these past few months.

Still need a lot more to cover my debts.

And... Yeah.. I guess I do deserve this. I... couldn't... find another job. I didn't even.. know what that other job could be, other than a peer support worker but.. it didn't show up in the job bank.

Guess it wasn't meant to be.

Not now, anyways.

And.. I'm looking at the title of this post and... I don't feel like typing out my grievances.

Change of heart. Yes, I'm playing with being more selfish. I'm tired at the end of each work day and could use a lift from my girlfriend which I don't feel I get.

I... feel like she's more interested in talking about herself and what she's doing instead of me.

So.. I'm not all of my usual eager and inquisitive self. Feels like I'm her therapist at times and... it can be draining.

I need to look out for myself. I have been seriously... putting more focus on my needs and wants. I have to envision a possible future with a girlfriend. Without Fola.

She talked about wanting to move in, but still hasn't. Doesn't even mention it, really. Just talks about needing to find a place despite knowing that I've offered her to stay in mine for over a year.

It would've really helped me financially.

We had a big fight about this a few weeks ago that I haven't discussed on my blog.

She asked me a few months ago "if I moved in, would it help you financially?" and of course I said it would.

But does she move in or make plans to move in? No.

Just another tease.

There's no... commitment here...

Apparently I live too far away for her to make the sacrifice of driving an extra 15-20 minutes,

Makes me feel special.

I'm being sarcastic, as you can probably tell.

I'm also exhausted. So much drama with this girl...

Like... our website. I told her I needed a break from it because I felt like I was doing most of the work. I told her it's her website too, and she should be able to work on it as well.

What happens? Since then, she's done nothing on it.

Admits it too. Blames her family for taking up too much of her time.

But, get this! She was able to do an hour long podcast with some friend of hers, work on her "You filled life" Facebook group, and has offered to volunteer at some spiritual care centre twice a month and a support group each week.

I'm not even...

It's such a joke.

She was so enthusiastic about our business, but the moment I needed a pause and for her to pick up some weight, she goes off and does other things.

No focus.

When I am struggling financially, she doesn't think to ask or assist in any way until I make it explicit.

I mean... how much money does she think I actually have if I have ZERO income coming in for nearly 4 months? My EI ran out in April.

... Maybe it's my fault for not stressing the severity of my situation enough.

I don't know...

But...

I'm exhausted.

I call her pet names to cheer her up. But when I call her, she answers with "hello" and doesn't seem to care about putting a smile to the tone of her voice.

Can't joke around with her all that well either.

I try and open up about certain things that happened during my day or to share deep thoughts with her and they often get glossed over or ignored.

And.. she'll say things like... "I thought you already ate" when I told her I...

Fuck it man... I'm not going to air out all my grievances with her.

I need to look out for myself. She is not going to strive to make my life better in any meaningful way.

She offered to do my laundry this Saturday but... that's not the kind of help I need from her.

I can do my own laundry. What does she think? That I'll sit on the couch playing video games while she does it? I guess that's sort of nice, but I feel like a useless lazy prick if she did that for me and we don't live together.

I don't know man... maybe I'm complaining too much. Asking for more than I deserve.

But... talking with my mom immediately after Fola and I am struck by the differences between these two.

There's more warmth and compassion in my mother's pinkie than there is in Fola's entire body.

Maybe ... Maybe I'm not understanding something...

Live and let live... Maybe I'm holding her to a difficult to reach standard...

But then again.. I remember Georgina...

She had that warmth my mother has.

And I failed to appreciate it.

My mom liked her. Would've loved her had she been around her more.

Instead, I... failed.

Didn't.... put in the effort with that girl.

And... I'm putting in the effort with this one and I get stuff like "want to do a holotropic breathwork workshop?" at... 200$ a session when I'm fighting to get out of debt.

Now I'm just complaining and being bitter. Wishing my girlfriend was... more like someone else.

I don't know what to say about this anymore. Not sure what to do to make things better.

I've complained about poor communication a few weeks ago. Really went on a rant for two days about it to make sure she understood how important it was for me to know when she is on the way over to my place, and not to leave out important little details.

What happens? She comes over to my place and sits outside in her car for an hour. After telling me she was going to be there around 545pm. It was 7pm when I decided to say fuck it and leave the house.

Turns out she was on a "coaching call" that she didn't bother to tell me about. Didn't tell me when she was leaving her place either. So much for that 545pm date.

I get so frustrated with her.

... I don't know what else to write here.

I want my life to mean something. To matter.

And I don't think she is going to be able to assist me in doing it.

...

She's in six different directions all at once. Coaching calls, coaching sessions, witchcraft things, breathwork, podcasts, wanting to quit her job, not wanting to quit her job, wanting to move in, not wanting to move in.

I'm tired.

I'm exhausted.

My battery is low.

Off I go to sleep. Five more days to go before my days off.

Five more days.