Strange start of the day. Early this morning I took a peek at Fola's YouTube channel and she uploaded a video talking about dreams. As you know, yesterday I had two strange dreams about her.
So I texted her asking what it was that inspired the video and mentioned I dreamed about her twice.
No response.
Like a chump, I wrote another text asking not to ignore my text and I had to laugh at myself at how dumb I've become.
I have to face that she... well, is not as nice a person as I'd like her to be.
Is she my "twin flame" ... Well... She is someone I have a strong connection with that's for sure. I still haven't decided what it could be.
And... sighs... I feel like I'm drifting. Not really getting anywhere. Still confused about my purpose on this planet. But... I still know that I need to surrender to a higher intelligence. Because it IS there. No doubt in my mind that it isn't.
This... means... Well, last night I went for a walk in the rain because I needed to get my 5,000 steps in (FitBit) and... the thought of all this... those feelings in my chest and knowing I have some kind of ally... It was comforting. I cried a small tear in the rain at night... around midnight and stood there. Looking up at the sky, feeling the drops on my face.
It was... good for me to do this. To think. And feel. And stay hopeful and connected.
There is a God.... something is and has guided me at various times throughout my life. I know this because... well... because I do. I feel like I have accumulated enough evidence to prove this is true.
What I don't understand is my relationship to this power. Is it me? Is it... external? Higher self?
I don't know and last night on my walk I was thinking that it was... this is all a simulation.
It really is a game.
And... I've noticed that.. these feelings in my heart and head are indicative of something mysterious and attentive...
So... while I don't understand it very well, I understand why it may not want to be understood.
But I am asking to understand it. I will do well with the knowledge received.
And this has produced a slight dilemma for me to consider.
Will I abuse this power?
I really hope that I don't. I don't want to use this information for superficial means. To know that I can manifest things. To have "psychic" powers.
I really only want to be happy. To find my purpose. To serve and to love and be loved.
By someone who deserves and has earned it.
And is willing to receive it in turn.
I... feel that I know who she is. She is... across the border and while I don't feel like I can simply go there and connect, I do know that any kind of plan being enacted takes time to execute even if don't know what it is or how it works.
I am choosing to believe there is a plan. Much of the events in my life appear to be in service of my personal evolution.
It was different being away from Fola... Three years together... My longest ever relationship and I still feel confused by her and perhaps women in general.
And I think she is still confused by me.
I'd need to be with someone who has nuance. Who can appreciate a complex view and doesn't judge quickly. Someone free and open with their heart and thoughts and feelings.
And fears... A shared vulnerability is so important.
Still though... this week is going to be an experiment for me. I want Fola to contact me. To come see me in person. I want to try and manifest this into being. I need to understand who is doing what and what I may be able to do.
Right now she is ignoring me. Fine. I cannot call or text or email or show up at her house.
I was drawn to her last week and somehow knew where she was.
So... I will try something a little different. I will try and bring her to me.
If I fail, that is okay. But I will do my best to ensure that I give this a good effort.
I need to know.
Wish me luck.
