Well blog, my dear friend. I have so much going on with myself internally that I felt compelled to turn on the laptop and post a few things about it,
I just got back from spending a night on an island in a tent and with a bit of THC involved. It was a good experience. I have been exploring this need of mine to want to be with Fola again and I noticed there were so many fears attached to it. Namely around the guy she is infatuated with at the moment.
At one point while on my knees and looking at the sun, I had to be completely honest with myself and admit before God that I was scared. And... it felt good to admit it. Because lately I have been trying my best to be as authentic and truthful as possible with my emotions and who I am. Admitting something shameful was a step in the direction of my wanting to be honest.
And I think about past entries in my blog and all the stuff about how I wished Fola could be this or Fola could do that and I realize that I am such a control freak. Or perhaps, I was, because I no longer want to be that kind of man again. I realize now that the ebb and flow of life has to be surrendered towards for better or worse and I find that when I do surrender, wonderful things tend to happen.
For instance on Sunday night, I also was on the island and planned to stay overnight but didn't, because I was underprepared and it was getting cold inside my tent. I decided to take my boat out at 1am and paddle back to the car.
As I was paddling, I couldn't see where I needed to row towards. It was dark and though the sky was beautiful and filled with stars, I had to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing where to go.
My plan was to row towards the shore and then row alongside it with a flashlight as I find the spot where I needed to disembark.
But what happened while rowing is that I saw a bright light flash on for about a minute or so in the distance. It seemed to be from the general area where I had to row towards. So I did. And this bright light kept flashing at me off and on as I was heading towards it. I didn't know what it it was and a part of me thought it was the police wondering why my vehicle was abandoned and if maybe I drowned in the lake or something like that.
Turns out as I made it to shore, the "lighthouse" that I followed was a parked truck with steamed up windows and two people inside that I could barely see. What a welcome sight that was. I had the fear of not being able to find my way and these people just managed to be at this spot in an area that hardly has any visitors, at exactly the time I needed them to be. So I could find my way back to shore.
I don't know why they were turning the lights off and on but I'm glad they did and I thanked the Creator for allowing this moment to unfold as it did.
If you knew the area where I was at, really, nobody goes there. That's why I like it so much. This is why it was so strange to see this truck there at 2am guiding me along.
But that is how it all works. When I can trust my soul and listen to it, really listen, magical things can happen. I have had it happen about a month ago when I listened to the feeling in my heart and managed to find Fola in a park arriving at the exact same time I did. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't. I followed my heart.
So... Yeah... Last night was another emotional experience for me. I had to really dig inside myself to see who I was and what I wanted out of life. I decided that I love Fola and want her to come camping with me. I decided that I want to be in a relationship with her for a little while longer, so she can see that I've changed and I'm no longer the same man I once was.
I am better.
Braver and more confident.
I really appreciate feeling this way. I need to feel this way and I thank my higher self for making it possible.
One thing I thought about last night was exactly this. The soul. And I began thinking that if I am getting information from the soul then where is the soul getting its information from? I started to try and piece together a theory and came up with something that seemed to make a lot of sense. The soul also has a higher self and that higher self has a higher self. So theoretically we exist across multiple dimensions all linked by the soul in which at the very top of all this may well be God.
That was such a fascinating thought for me to have. Visualizing the multiple versions of myself that exists in these different realms.
And again... it makes sense. I find that when I trust my higher self, good things tend to happen. So why should I stop? Why shouldn't I make this my priority?
And so it is.
For better or worse.
I will have to surrender to this higher self and by doing so, my fears will be greatly reduced if I can hold this belief in my mind that I am being watched over and advised towards.
Because in the past, whenever I operate from this deeper connection, things seem to work out.
So... that's all I wanted to share today. Felt like I needed to get this down.
Thank you blog.
Thank you my Creator.
Thank you higher self.
May we move towards bigger and better things.
