I don't like this, blog.
Today was unusual and so was last week.
At around 330am I woke up from a dream which rarely happens. Both waking up at that time and remembering this particular dream.
In it, I recall a white guy that somehow was associated with Fola. Likely her new boyfriend (which I don't think she has) or someone she has designs on or something... In any case, the dream carried the message of her being with another guy. He had on a backward baseball cap and looked... uhm... like a jock.
Then later that same morning after falling asleep, I woke up with another dream of her. This time, Fola was talking about how it is better to love your community than to work on expressing love inside of a relationship. Strange how I remembered this dream too,
And... early in the morning, I started feeling that heat coming off of my chest. It lasted for about an hour or so. I felt strongly that it was connected to her. Maybe she was thinking or talking about me or something else was happening.
Later that afternoon at around 5, I felt it again. Same glowing warmth.
Want to hear something even stranger? This happened last Wednesday.
It was around 11am when I felt like going to the park. It was a nice day and I didn't feel like going to any of the ones in the Fort. So while driving, the words "Jackie Parker" came to mind and...
This is where it gets weird.
On the way there I start feeling warm in the chest again. It was intense. And I KNEW it was connected to Fola. It felt like... I don't know... this.. thing consuming me... I looked at the clock and mentally sent an image to her of me going to the park.
Took me about 30 minutes to get there while feeling all this and driving past her sister's house on the way. I fought the urge to drive around the block to see if I could spot her car.
So... I'm about ten minutes from the park where I see an SUV in front of me. There was people inside and a lot of movement. Someone was looking at me in the driver's side mirror and I was still feeling these strong sensations.
It took a few minutes of me to realize that it was her.
She was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR.
As soon as she signaled to make a left turn to go into the park, I knew.
I shook my head.
And parked next to her where she came out with her sister and child.
This is STRANGE.
SO STRANGE.
Those feelings were STRONG. I just KNEW she was going to be there and she was.
We ended up hanging out and talking for over an hour for the first time in three months.
There... is no doubt that I believe in God. No doubt. But I was very confused. When I got out of my car my hands were shaking. I couldn't believe it. I remembered saying to myself on the way that this would be a good way to confirm these feelings and provide me of evidence for having faith and trusting my instincts.
And I was rewarded.
So... today... twice, I felt those feelings but I didn't feel a pull to go anywhere.
Since that incident, I have been trying to provoke that warmth. To analyze it. To figure out how it works.
And I have not solved this mystery yet.
But I do know that I have an ally of some kind. I do know that for a week prior, I wanted to see Fola again in person. We talked on the phone and it didn't go well.
And... I don't like this because I still don't think she's right for me. I just want us to be on good terms. To be friendly. To still hang out and talk and...
Respect what we once had. Respect each other.
This has been an interesting week for my faith. I know God exists and this is proof on top of other proofs. I have had these chest sensations before and they often preclude a positive event of some kind.
So, I'm going to trust it. Even as I type I feel a glimmer of warmth that has lasted for several hours now.
I... feel like I still don't know what to do with my life. I have been praying much more lately with greater depth of emotion and...
I'm going to keep doing that. I know who I am and who I was but I do not know what to do and where to go.
I will have to trust God with that. The Creator. The Intelligence. The Programmer. The Architect. Whatever and whoever it may be.
I've really been paying much closer attention to my connection lately. With Fola and with God.
And I admit that I... like this relationship. This... "miracle" has helped strengthen my faith and prompted me to consider it more fully.
Because as fun as "psychic powers" is, I don't care about having that. What I care about is knowing that I am being watched over, protected and guided.
And I have been guided to her that day.
I feel... that even though she is not the right lady for me, I feel that there is something that needs to be resolved. Or taught. Or learned.
It doesn't feel "over" to me yet.
And... I am kind of embarassed by my blog. I'm sorry. some of these entries are... so childlike and sloppy and... not particularly articulate that I don't know if I'd feel comfortable with people reading it. Nobody has. Except for Georgina. Once.
And that didn't go over very well.
So... I'm not sure... This feels so much like an important time to be alive. That... history is being made with all that's been going on with the virus and BLM and these things.
It almost feels like the end times are here.
And I want to set things right. I want Fola and I on good terms.
Not... like this. Distant. Not talking.
Bitter.
Pretending like the last three years didn't matter.
It... hurts in a way but... I'm not too bothered by it.
I know the woman that I want in my life and she is not here right now.
I want to get to her.
Or to have her come to me.
But the connection with Fola is unmistakable and I feel this needs to be explained or resolved before...
Before the next step. Whatever it is.
So... should my words have a magic of themselves as effective as prayer...
I ask you.. humbly... to have Fola come see me in person, soon.
I don't know how or why or when...
But this is something that I need. I need to see if it was my faith that had me behind her car going to the same place I was.
Was it all me? Or did she have something to do with it?
Are we linked? Can this link be broken or will it always endure?
Must this link be severed?
I don't know....
More questions to think about....
And... the days roll on without much to show for it.
Getting my polish passport. I need an exit strategy.
Strange also... that I feel so compelled to get it.
And I don't think Fola and her sister and Ivy would be able to leave Canada with me should the time ever come to do so.
So...
Yeah...
I am in God's hands...
And I am proud to be.
Even though I am quite confused at the moment.
The answers will come.
Ask and ye shall receive.
As it once was.
Amen.
