Manipulation

Hello blog. Not sure why I titled this post the way I did.

Sighs.

Yeah.

Yup.

...

So... a few things have happened. I...

Hmm.

Yesterday... I had Janis from Facebook message me. She is a member of a Twin Flames community group on there that Fola belongs to and sometimes talks to her on the phone. She gives Fola support whenever things are rough between us.

And... So... A few days ago, I messaged her asking if she wanted to hear my side of the story. Shared my last blog post with her.

She's a sweetheart.

She really was pushing us to be together in spite of what I said.

Said that I would never find anyone like Fola again... And... I agree with that.

Haven't found anyone like Georgina again, either.

Not yet, anyways.

So... I'm compelled to write a post today. Silly of me to say it, but I woke up this morning at 4:44am and felt... this connection or energy happening.

I don't know what it was. But I suspect Fola is linked to it.

And what prompted me further to come to this blog and post, is that a few minutes ago I felt a surge of it again. This....

...Well... I was thinking about her going to that burlesque show on Sunday. And imagining that... there's some other guy involved. Or will be involved. And... I can't say... that I completely feel jealous and alone and worried... I shouldn't say that... I... I said my piece about why... she's not...

The one.

I... hate this about myself. Buying into the idea of a "one" out there... but...

There is a one. There might be a two, even.

I don't know.

But after what Fola and I have been through and experienced, I am inclined to believe that there are forces at work behind the scenes.

I believe there is such a thing as a soul connection. And that...

... I don't believe I have seen the last of her yet.

And... I'm sitting here.. feeling this warmth in my heart. Like it was around the time I first met her.

I don't know what that means... Other than a correlation.

Perhaps something or someone good is coming.

I don't know.

But, I will be completely honest and say that I do miss her.

Each time I pass by my front door, or even now as I sit and type facing the door; I glance at the glass hoping to see her silhouette.

I can't... bring myself to... make the first move. Can't.

I wouldn't respect myself if I did.

Because... as my last post shows... I... have be...

I am....

Deeply unsure of her.

Deeply....

And....

I just can't see how we would work out. That's not to say it is impossible to happen, but...

Man.. intense feelings right now... like, a real pull. I'm really glancing at the front door....

Something is coming.

So... told Janis yesterday about everything and mentioned how...

Well, it really doesn't matter. I... just sent her that blog post and... told her that I couldn't be with Fola. Janis suggested |I write down all the things I like about her and... I thought that was the wrong approach.

I don't want to... dwell upon all the good that we've shared.

The passion and excitement and connection.

But... okay, Janis. I will humor you on this.

I.. like it when Fola is unabashedly a girl... Whenever she decides to dance in front of me, even doing that awkward robot arm motion, I... it makes me smile.

And... A favourite moment of mine was when she wore lingerie.. like... fishnet stockings and all.. even though it was... just one time I think... last year... and, she had the high heels on and...

That was... big of her to do that. She looked... was, embarassed and awkward despite my obviously enjoying seeing her like that. And... kind of ruined the mood when she mentally switched gears from seductress to... Eh... it doesn't matter. That brief moment meant a lot to me.

I... honestly... this isn't as easy as I hoped it would be to write down everything I like about her. I wish I didn't have to admit it. It almost feels like I'm swimming against a current.

I... miss... sighs... I'm thinking of the sexual stuff, now. The way she gave me head on the way back home from Slave Lake...

Oh. Now that reminds me.

I miss that day at the lake. When she and I would sit on a log for hours and stare off into the waves. Not speaking. Just being.

I miss... touching her....

Her shoulders.

Her... legs...

Her ass... as vulgar as it sounds...

I miss feeling her from the inside...

Sighs... sexual stuff again... Lots of good memories there I admit.

I miss her smile... I miss..... her dancing... I miss her spirit.

Her spirit.

That stubborn warrior spirit of hers... like, this tornado without a mind of its own. Impressive in its fury, but somewhat directionless. Whenever she allows me to steer her, we... we are pretty good together.

I love how she surrendered to me a few times.. Just losing herself in my guidance. And, my pleasing her for doing so... surprising her...

When she is able to drop her guard and...

Hmm...

I'm understanding something now.

I... was punishing her for not doing just that...

There were times when she wouldn't budge...

Okay... I'm defeating the point of this challenge... to think of the things that I like about her.

It's... mostly sex. And her spirit.

And.. how she likes the same songs I do.

And... her appreciation... when she chooses to appreciate... the moments alone we spend together.

Where we can sit and stare into each other's eyes.. getting lost in them.

I'm feeling like an idiot typing all this... I want to say that she is loyal and trustworthy and kind and generous... but...

Fuck.

Sex and her spirit.

And... her body...

Her... our connection together. I... love that. When we are in alignment.. we are basically one and the same.

I...

She complements me.

I don't mean to sound immodest, but the things that I have, are the things she lacks.

And what she has, I am having trouble with.

She has... drive. Motivation.

Strength.

Tenacity.

A willingness to experiment and explore.

She pursues new things without fear. With bravery.

Even when she feels afraid.

Even when it costs her something or hurts someone.

...

I am really having a difficult time writing down the good things.

I am.

But, I still miss her.

Would still like to have her in my life.

And...

I like... I was going to say that I like that she cooks but that sounds weak.

Yeah... Well...

Perhaps I am weak as well. In the ways that she is not.

We came together for a reason. We... experienced a lot of great moments together...

I don't know if this is... the end of them.

But... Honestly... despite what I say about her... despite the hassle and the annoyances and the frustration and anger that she manages to cause me...

I still... want her in my life.

But... again... there's that jealous feeling...

I don't want her as a friend. I don't want to see her on the arm of another guy and ... for us to... continue our...

acquaintance...

Fuck...

She is more than that to me.

But... I...

I can't do anything about all this.

I can't.

Nothing I can think of anyways...

I can't go back to her. I won't risk being rejected. I don't want to be taken for granted again or for her to have an easy way out of the pain she's caused me... even though she is barely aware of it.

I am sure she is aware. Now that we've had some time apart.

I hope so. I hope she... learns... and remembers...

And..

Just....

Grows... somehow....

She's n... no longer polyamorous...

God... at least I hope I helped her achieve that much. Just... a little fearful on my end for her to slip back to the way she was and...

Be right back to where she started.

She was sleeping with five people when I met her. Her husband, Jess and Jeff... Rob... and Ryan.

Five.

And I came into all this with strong feelings about monogamy.

Because that is all I will accept from my partner. We can consider threesomes if there is another woman involved, but I refuse to have my lady be touched by another guy.

I am her guy.

And...

I wish she would know this.

I wish she would... express that to me more.

Not... argue... about it whenever I bring up this subject of how neglected I feel. Not try and convince me that she "loves" me when her actions don't seem to line up with her words. Not when... she...

Sighs.

Fuck.

I am really... almost laughing at myself. I can see myself about to break the wall that is keeping me from bringing up all the bad that I know about her.

I don't want to condemn her.

She has come a long ways.

I re-read the last email she sent me. October 4th, I think it was...

8 days ago.

At the end... she says she loves me. Promises she will make more of an effort.

Says... we are eternally binded together.

And... I was thinking after this... is... she really making that effort?

Is... this what her effort looks like?

Bringing up this YouTube lady who said that Twin Flames aren't meant to be together and then filming her own video about how that makes sense to her? Or... that article she posted about letting go of old patterns, beliefs and... relationships? Does that sound like she is making effort?

But... I can't deny that I ... I am feeling things right now.

Right in my chest. And through my fingers.

And... I felt some of this yesterday, too.

Part of me wants to send this post to Janis... and... I'm thinking... what is motivating me to do that?

I think... I want her... to understand me more.

And... because I expect her to talk to Fola again at some point... I... want her to have this information.

So she can help her.

Somehow.

I did not ask for much from our relationship... but I think I know where I went wrong.

It doesn't have words, but I can try and describe some of the theme.

She wants someone stronger than her.

Someone... that inspires her. Who can dominate her in a gentle, fatherly way.

That's what she wants, and that is what I was when we first met.

Despite what she once asked me about us being "equals", I know that is not what she really wants.

She wants a man that is constantly growing and moving to becoming the greatest version of himself.

And she wants to tag along for the ride.

I get that... but, what I don't get...

Actually... I do...

But... she has to figure this part out for herself. She and I are happiest when we surrender to each other.

When I call the shots.

When I take her by the hand and lead her upstairs... she has to submit to my judgement. For better or worse.

Not... Play games... not.. argue... just... surrender...

Because... since she is my opposite...

I have intuition and abilities that she does not.

But... she can benefit from. And learn from.. and, eventually acquire...

This makes perfect sense now that I am thinking about it.

We aren't equals.

But we are equally wanting.

And... I am proud of who I am and what I can achieve when I really try.

I have surprised myself and friends and family with some of what I've done.

I surprise myself...

Fola once said to me on the couch that she could tell that I was "powerful" ... and I wasn't sure what to make of that. But...

She's right.

I am.

And... I need to be respected for that.

But, that is something I need to earn. Which...

This makes too much sense.

I need to earn her respect.

To earn her trust.

To earn the right for her to surrender to me,

I get it now.

But, this doesn't mean that I am obligated to do anything about all this.

This is the interesting part that I have discovered.

Although we are both wanting... we aren't both willing.

And... both of us have to be willing.

Which means...

She gets what she wants.. but I have to get what I want as well.

We both have to work at giving it. I have to... think... exactly... what she wants...

This is going to be a good thing for me to ponder as I go about my chores once I am done writing.

I have a sense that I know what she wants. I will try and nail it down. Even if I never see her again, I will have a better understanding of who she is and what she needs.

Not what she says she wants.. but what she NEEDS.

Because... I am the one fortunate to be blessed with powers of observation and an intelligence that she does not have.

And... I want certain things from her.. which also may not necessarily be what I need.

But, I want them just the same.

I think this is making sense... In case I send this to Janis, I should add that this is how I do some of my deepest thinking. Just... throwing words on a screen and seeing what comes out after.

Not the best written or most entertaining post, but, definitely a productive one.

Fola wants me to dominate her. That makes sense... she wants a father figure... that makes sense, too.

She wants to experience another level of consciousness. I have given her that, plenty of times.

She wants to expand and heighten her ability to love. She can have that as well, provided she is willing to work at it, because that is what I would like to see from her.

As I keep writing... I am having these thoughts enter my head. Like, exhibit #1 and exhibit #2 as "evidence" that backs up everything I'm saying.

Fola, after all, did say that she wants me to abuse her. Something that I felt was weird to say, but she did say it. Did enjoy being choked. Did want to be pissed upon.

That's not my thing, but I did it anyways.

And that's a revealing piece of the puzzle....

She's... got issues... deep ones... issues of entitlement and insecurity.

I know that people have the wrong opinion about her. She knows this too, and often expresses her surprise at how mistaken some people are about what they say of her and the image she presents.

So... She feels undeserving of praise. Of being loved. But wants to feel those things.

But, hasn't really earned them.

I suppose... this is her opportunity to prove herself.

Maybe this is why I am standing my ground allowing for it to happen by not getting in touch with her.

The reward isn't as sweet when it is given freely and without effort.

She has to work for what she wants. And she has to feel that she earned it.

So...

If she wants me back. She has to earn it.

And,,, this is the tricky part....

I have to guess at how hard she is willing to try. In order to be with me.

Will she, or won't she surprise me?

Will she show up at my door with lingerie beneath a coat and... embrace me without words and lead me upstairs? Because that would work.

Will she write me a long, hand-written letter and leave it at my door with a small gift of some kind?

That would work, too.

Will she sent me a text... out of the blue... saying that she loves me, with nothing else being said? Will she send that text again, even if I ignore it the first time?

That would work too.

That would be earning her reward.

That would make me believe in her.

Will she plan out a trip for us? And... show up at my door with tickets already paid for and arrangement made?

That would be incredible. And I would...

Fuck, man... I would love her till the end of time for doing something grand like that.

...pfbt... kind of already love her till the end of time. I know my ego is bruised and I know that when my soul departs this body it will reunite with her at some point. At that moment, it won't matter that she didn't keep her promises and that she changed her mind more times than I change my underwear.

Because at that moment... I will see her without ego. And she will see me without mine.

And...

We will shine.

But...

For now...

These games are to continue.

I will not make the next move.

I will not make effort to "win" her back when it is her duty to be chasing me.

And to surrender herself to the man that she loves and always will love.

Without complaint.

And with faith.

This is her journey to make.

And I will be waiting.

She is looking for magic.

And I have it in spades.

Manifested rims for myself yesterday. Some guy came up to me in the park and asked if I wanted them.

Now, I have new rims on my vehicle. Something I thought about getting last week.

A card fell out of this one book I picked up from the thrift shop yesterday. Jesus and the Buddha.

On it was marked, "patience"

And so...

I shall be practicing that.

Really not sure if I should send this to Janis...

Something...

Hmm. Paying attention to my intuition here...

I think something is missing in this post.

Not sure what...

I don't think I need to explain anything more than I already did.

Hmm.

I think I sound completely crazy writing all this. Wonder what sort of reaction this would get.

And what would she do... knowing all of this?

I'm somewhat of a complicated man. But I try my hardest to keep my needs simple.

I want a partner who is playful, loving, thoughtful and devoted.

Fola can be these things if she really tries.

But,,

I haven't had enough proof from her. And... She doesn't think she has to provide me with any of it. We've had conversations about this. Had she decided not to go to Boston like I asked her, I would know that she made a sacrifice for me. That she proved her devotion, But, she went on that trip anyways. Making excuses and choosing a transitory experience that she will forget about in less than a year, instead of choosing to be with me.

That memory is still stuck.

And she has to do something to make up for it.

We've been together for almost two years...

And it still feels like we don't really know what each of us wants. Or how we should behave.

I'm not as smart as she may think I am, but I certainly do have suggestions for her. For us.

I remember the one time she suggested I treat her like a Goddess and in exchange, I would be treated like a God. I remember the role playing we did that night. Treating each other like we were divine beings and that the only thing in the world that mattered, was the pleasure we were giving to the other.

I think that would be a good place for her to start. To remember what we can accomplish.

When we remember to treat each other as the God and Goddess that we each are and to never lose sight of it. Never take each other for granted. No matter what we may be tempted by or what obstacles we face.

Thank you Janis.

I hope this...

Does something.

You are appreciated more than you know.

Wondering

Hello blog.

I'm... stuck. Caught in this...

Ennui.

My entire day amounted to very little. Like it has for the past while. I've achieved two things, and neither are particularly remarkable.

But I did do two things.

Sighs.

Fola..

I need to make a choice.

To believe in her or not.

To be with her or not.

To reach out or not.

What I am most conflicted about, is that... I know she is not going to be a good mother to my unborn child. I know... she... wouldn't make for a good wife.

She can, but she won't. Not to me, anyways.

Because... I have seen... the way she is. I know her soul. And I know...

We...

Sighs. Fumbling for words now... Maybe I just don't want to say them. Seems easier to leave this all up to chance and not make any concrete decisions.

Or to judge another human being. To condemn them.

I don't want to.

And yet... each day... a part of me screams at her, and another part wants to hold her close.

To feel her hand in mine.

I am cursed with too much self-awareness at times. Too much self-reflection. Very little... surrendering... I think would be the correct word. Not enough... Not being content with... the present moment. Even as loneliness bears down hard on me.

Our conversations. I miss those. I miss those three hour conversations we used to have on the phone.

But... I don't know if we can have them again. I... know her too well now. I know...

I just know.

I know I can't be vulnerable around her. I can't because she does... often does not respect it when I am. There is little sympathy from her. Instead, I... approach her with my walls up. To salvage and incubate my sense of pride. To not... lay myself down at her feet so that I expect her to do the same.

And...

I...

Sighs.

I am thinking right now about the last time I saw her. Everything I was telling her was the honest truth of my soul. When I brought up her yelling at Ivy and dropping the f-bomb, I was... I felt betrayed by her response. She still tried to convince me that it was a joke and that I shouldn't be telling her how to raise her child.

That's not vulnerability. That's... cowardice.

And... to be fair...

I've been a coward, too.

I... suppose... I was put into this position. Masterfully and covertly. Without my noticing.

I gave too much of myself. Projected too much of what I wanted from a girlfriend onto her and was constantly disappointed by her actions.

When... all I... had to do was shut up.

And to act from the heart.

And though I don't regret what any of my concerns were about her, I do regret that I had to state them. I do regret that it... this is how it all turned out because none of my issues were being resolved. Nothing was... being done. On her end.

It felt like...

Felt like I was being used. Used... and...

...Unloved.

I have to be honest. I felt unloved by her. I... have had... You know... All she had to do was... to show me that she cares. To show me that I matter to her.

And... She didn't. It didn't matter what my concerns were. They were going unresolved after each of our fights.

For months at a time, the same things would come up. False promises. Expectations she created that she had no intention of fulfilling. She cannot be ...

Sighs.

I want to say that she should not be allowed to get away with what she did and then to claim ignorance in the end because I... felt like I... gave her fair enough warning. Told her enough times what my needs and wants are.

And it was her decision not to take any of them seriously.

And it was my decision, to reward her for unearned behavior.

And to put her... ahead of my own happiness.

Which... ironically... seems contingent on being in a loving relationship and having the possibility of a happy life together. With children. With a dog. With the acreage.

With trips. And smiles. And acts of kindness towards one another.

And... all the other things that love can provide.

Loyalty. Stability. Commitment. Trust.

Passion.

I felt... like we had the passion part down.

There is no denying how passionate we could be.

If we both felt ... the same...

If it was mutual. If we both wanted the same thing, we would....

Get it.

and....

I don't think she was willing to work with me to get what I wanted. Small things that I don't feel were very demanding or difficult.

This is a woman who asked me to urinate on her. Enjoyed being choked. And... when I bring up how I'd like to see her in lingerie more often, she complains about feeling objectified.

Or some other excuse.

Always... would rather fight than to... work towards harmony between us.

So that if I feel happy, then it would make me want to do more for her.

To give her more of what she wants.

Instead, as time went by and she ignored my demands, my... motivation to make her happy dwindled along with hers.

And... as I write this... I feel like I am struggling to understand something that is very obvious to me that is important to know.

But... I'm not quite sure what it is.

I am trying... I....

I am baring my soul right now. And this is... what is coming out.

Lots of ellipses... it seems... I am trying to find the right words and thoughts.. to catch and commemorate them.

I peeked at her Facebook today. Saw that... she isn't sad. She posted a video about us and how ...

...I think I mentioned that in another post. About how some lady on YouTube was saying that Twin Flames aren't meant to be together.

And... I suppose what bothers me is the comments she gets... She... has a lot of support from people. Telling her that she "deserves it all" when, if only they knew her as I do, that she hasn't worked very hard to be deserving of very much.

At least.. in terms of our relationship...

I hate writing this. I hate... feeling like... I need to condemn her and to prove myself "right" but... I think it is the injustice of it all that is getting to me. Her being praised for how much of a sweetheart she is on Facebook by people that hardly know her. People that... are rewarding her selfishness and ignorance.

And... it is empowering her.

In her video she said there is "nothing I can do" about repairing the damage in our relationship or for us to get back together.

And... that is false... that is not true. If she showed up at my door tonight with a sad face and... wrapped her arms around me, not letting go and genuinely asking for forgiveness or for us to try again...

I would... welcome her back. I would....

Because I believe in the value of sincere gestures. Of... genuine...

Sighs... Now I am thinking about how... she... once said.. she wished she could show her "commitment" to me more...

And... She has had so many opportunities to do so. That she didn't take advantage of.

She could have... done so much for us... If she... wasn't only thinking of herself.

I remember how she used to bake me scones. Or how she would send me sexy photos of herself over the phone.

And... in the past months... that hasn't happened. She's baked me scones twice. At the start of our dating and last year around my birthday.

That's it. And... she KNOWS how much I like it when she bakes me something or makes me food.

She KNOWS it, and she... rarely does it.

Twice a year doesn't cut it for me.

And... The way she would lay in bed with me... when I would want to wrap my arms around her and cuddle and smile and kiss... and she would... shift herself away.

Just... cutting herself off from me.

And...I would have these moments in bed with her, watching her sleep or hearing her snore and... tentatively putting my arm around her, only for her to push it off in her sleep. Or to... reject me.

And.... Whenever I get upset or sad about it when it happens, I would leave the bed. Angry and upset but trying not to let it affect me.

And then... she would text me or ask me to come back so we can cuddle.

|But... why wait until there is a problem?

Why? Why not just cuddle when I wanted to cuddle? Why wait for her to realize that, "oh, David wants to cuddle." Why wait for it to be obvious at the damage she causes by rejecting me multiple times before I've reached the limits of my patience?

Why wait for problems to present themselves?

Why...

Why?

...

Sighs.

Twin flames... I don't know, man. This... idea... is for the both of us to grow. We're supposed to be like oil and water, and though I think myself the voice of reason in our relationship, I cannot... for the life of me... get her to apply reason in the same way that I have been trying to.

Why wait for something to break before fixing it? Why not... maintain? Why not... keep things in good working order? Why not... give your car those regular oil changes and keep it clean and running well? Why wait for the car to start belching out black smoke and stop running before you decide to do something about it?

That's... our relationship. At first, everything was great because I didn't know any better. I thought I could believe her when she said "we should go on a trip soon" and "every year we should take a big trip somewhere" .. and like a sucker, I bought into her fantasies. It's almost been a year now of having to hear about the "trip" we're supposed to be taking soon. And she's already been on three of them on her own,

Why the fuck...

Why....

WHY.

I am thinking now that its because I don't... I'm not sure... maybe I don't, aren't... maybe I'm not respected by her. No... I absolutely am NOT respected by her.

And... why would I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me?

I suppose... to be fair, I have trouble respecting her as well.

When a woman wants... Oh, God... here comes the memories... of her joining the OTO, the Kabbalah, astrology... Reiki,, rituals... Shamanism... releasing/purging....

The hypocrisy of her is what I don't respect.

I cannot respect anyone who says one thing and does another. Who flitters around like a hummingbird going from one plant to the next and not... staying still enough to consider and appreciate the nectar she already had gathered.

There was so much wisdom I thought I was giving her. So much wisdom she was getting from other places and people, too.

And... it all feels so wasted. So unused.

I... still remember how she "realized" that I am the one to be chased and that she had to "earn" being chased by me. That was what she "learned" from our last breakup. That she had to earn the right to be chased by me.

And yet, with this last one, her email mentions it again.

"I wanted you to chase me"

With no mention of... what she "learned" from the last time,

I don't... I can't respect it. And especially her wanting to join the OTO. They drink semen. They... Fuck, man... bunch of pedophiles. A cult. And she was keeping it secret from me. Already filled out an application.

I rightfully blew up at all that. There was no way I was letting this woman be my future wife or mother of my children, She was fucking insane and impulsive and reckless.

And clueless. Absolutely clueless. "Did you research the OTO?" I asked. Yes she did, she said.

Sending her the links of what I know about Aleister Crowley and how... she is supposed to lay naked on an altar for losers to gawk at and then drink their semen after and... Crowley saying how little children should be exposed to disgusting sexual acts, which is part of the philosophy of "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" ... and she said she did "research" on it.

Yeah. Googled OTO and read the Wikipedia page. I'M IN!

Didn't care about the oath she was expected to swear upon.

Fuck man...

I am really...

Fuck.

I can't believe I put up with her for this long. So many... so many moments of her being absolutely idiotic. Poor decisions. Over and over and over and over.

And she won't accept responsibility for most of them. I mean, sure, it's okay for you to go over to some strange guys house that you don't really know, ON YOUR OWN AND WITHOUT TELLING ME and then come to me later that evening and fuck me with a smile on your face while tears are running down mine, because I asked you to be here 3 hours ago because I needed you. Instead, you tell me that you felt you were drugged at this guy's place. And...

Fuck  man...

How did I get... paired up with this monster?

This... clueless... absolutely selfish human being?

The problem is... I've seen glimmers of goodness in her. l know its there. I've tried to encourage more of that from her. I've tried to steer her in a more productive direction. Tried to explain things that she couldn't figure out. Tried to be useful and supportive and loving and generous and giving and...

It just wasn't enough for her.

She wouldn't... give back even half as much as I had been giving her.

I suppose... she just wants the magic of our relationship. Those incredible moments... but doesn't want to help make them happen. Doesn't want to motivate or encourage me to make it happen.

Can't count how many times I've been rejected when I needed her.

Micro-rejections. Too many to list. Everything from weak kisses. To turning down kisses. To weak hugs and weak displays of affection and...

Fuck... I deserve better. I've had better... I still remember my ex.

I still remember....

Fuck.

I didn't have to ask my ex to put on lingerie, I didn't have to ask for her to cook me anything,

She just did those things because she knew I liked them.

Didn't have to ask my ex for a foot massage or to have my back scratched or for a blowjob.

She just did it.

And... like an idiot, I wasn't happy with all that. I was still hurt from relationships I had before. I couldn't trust her and eventually, she stopped trying.

And I don't blame her. I wasn't vulnerable enough. Wasn't giving enough.

And... then I met Fola and...

Yeah... I think I gave her too much. Too much and got back too little.

"He who cares the least, has the most power in the relationship."

And... I was giving my power away by starting to care.

Which is NOT what I think a loving relationship should be.

But, maybe, this is part of the lesson for me to learn. To... not be so vulnerable. But vulnerable enough...?

I don't get it man... I just want to be myself. To be ME. Not...

Not... punished for... the way I express myself. The way I am wanting to be treated.

The things I dream of...

I don't need someone who isn't helping me to realize my dreams.

And yet, she wants me to help realize hers.

Well...

It doesn't work that way Fola.

You show up at my house. You are showing that you are making an effort.

I don't care if it's "stalking" or breaking "personal boundaries" to you.

That's effort, and I will appreciate it. You don't get to wash your hands off because some YouTube lady said twins aren't meant to be together. You used to think otherwise. Now you're just giving up on the prize that could be before us.

And... just doing that won't be enough either.

Not if you expect us to move forward.

From that point on... we BOTH have to keep each other in our thoughts. Keep each other's happiness in mind. And NOT forget that sometimes we have to do things that are troublesome and inconvenient so that later, when we need or want something, we will get it without complaint.

We will operate under the assumption that we are both looking out for each other's needs, wants and dreams.

So, there will be no imbalance.

....

I'm about done writing all this... I... feel a little better for having done so.

I... really don't like how people are complimenting her on Facebook. Those people weren't around when Fola did what she did with me. They didn't see her "channeling" around me. They don't... see how her minds changes on a weekly basis. How... she... doesn't care about animals and how she...

how she really is struggling to be a compassionate and empathetic individual, when she really is not.

She's not.

She is really not. On the surface she appears to be.

But she's not. And that's fine.

Because I love her and I...

Sighs.

I love her.

Guess that's all there is to it.

I love her and I hope that love can change her to become who she wants most to be.

But...

There's always a but...

But... I want to become who I most want to be.

And I would like to have a partner.

Not an adversary.

To help me make it happen.

And...

I am not convinced that she is the right woman for the job.

Or perhaps she is.

But she has yet to prove it.

Maybe someday she will.

It's up to her now.

Not me.

My patience...

I am patient.

But....

Anyways... I'm done writing.

Glad to get this all out of my system.

Good night blog.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Here Lies Bird

14 days. 14 since I last saw her.

I'm doing okay. Not as shattered as I was with Lauren or with Georgina. That's a good thing. Having had these painful experiences before, I am not nearly as broken as I would have been without.

I see that things happen for a reason. Trite cliche, I know, but they do. There is an overarching grand plan of which God and I designed on the macro and micro level of evolution.

We are all one and heading towards oneness. With the advent of weed legalization in another week, I can see a ballooning of consciousness occuring, starting with Canada.

The world is changing. The world is healing. Transforming. Becoming.

And I am pleased for my role in all this.

I... still keep thinking of her, though. I keep thinking why... of all the things we've done and shared and experienced, that she wouldn't take us seriously. That... she would make all these promises she wouldn't keep. That she wouldn't put much effort into us after multiple times of her saying she will.

I suppose the why is entitlement and her being self-centered. She thinks she knows what is best for her and for us and against my protests she is stubbornly clinging to the personal narrative she's constructed for herself.

Often in these posts, I... insult her. I use adjectives that aren't flattering and they outnumber the positive attributes of her. I don't like that. I'll never like that, and I don't want these to be the words I use to describe the woman I'm meant to be with.

I suppose this comes down to having faith. It's been so long... So many trials and heart ache and dreams dashed and learning experiences... to get to where I am now.

I am playing the "if only" game at the moment. If only Fola did this or that or listened to this and took that seriously and... I realize that it is not my problem to worry about. It's hers. She has her own life and autonomy and I've done all that I could to make us into something special. And I believe I succeeded. I believe I gave us my best when she didn't. I believe this... our knowing each other was meant to be, and... last night as I thought about us, this realization struck me.

I realized that what we had was outerwordly. We did have electric shocks pass between us that one time. We did have mind-blowing sex. We did have an intense connection unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

We did have synchronicites and coincidences and...

Yeah.

There is a higher power. There is a God. There is a plan.

And we are both part of it.

It is said that pain is the greatest of all teachers, and I imagine that my... refusal to play into her game, is only going to make her a better person. I hope it will, anyways... I think it already has. She's... moved from being this polyamorous... careless woman, to something a little more. She's experienced a greater depth to relationships and I am proud to have helped provide that.

I've set a bar,,, I suppose. Even if she wouldn't credit me for it due to her pride, I know in my heart how much I contributed to the depth she enjoyed experiencing.

I love her. Love her enough to let her go, I suppose. She...

She has to figure it out for herself.

On Wednesday she sent me an email about her friend Mary who did our birthdates and told her she was a ... I think.. an Aries North node? Or South node. Can't quite remember. She sent me two videos and said "this makes perfect sense". I remember watching the first video and was surprised at how it seemed to apply to Fola. It described how she needs to not be so selfish and to open up more and yada yada. I was even more surprised when it turns out that this first video was supposed to describe ME, according to this Aries north/south idea. The other video was the one Fola claimed to be hers and it seemed to describe me more than it does her.

Doesn't make any sense. We're opposites. She admits that. But she thinks the other video is her and not me. The other video talked about stepping into one's power and not being a doormat for others.

That's me. Not her.

But... anyways... I wrote back explaining all this, and she wrote back. Decided not to reply to what she said, which was more of the same.

She promised she would make more of an effort. Again. Wishes we were together. Again.

Again and again and again she says the same things after each breakup and again and again she is not going to follow through with anything of what she said.

Had enough

I need something more than this.

More than lies. More than immaturity. More than selfishness.

Really reminds me of Lauren. So many parallels.

And... I wonder what was I supposed to have learned from Lauren that is to be translated to Fola... they almost mimic each other. I think... I think I learned about putting my foot down when I needed to, instead of swallowing up all the bullshit and having a "yes, ma'am" agreeable attitude. That's being a doormat. And I'm proud that I haven't been a complete doormat while with her. Although I did slip into dangerous territory more than a few times.

Anyways... on Wednesday, I was having a cigarette by my patio door when I heard a loud THONK and looked outside. This is what I saw:

(sighs) New phone... have to tinker around with it to get my photos to display.

I'll write up a new post once I'm able to.

Well, blog... I believe... everything will be okay.

I believe.

I hope to foster a dog soon.

There is an event on the 15th I believe that will shed more light on this being a possibility. Through SCARS. I'm excited and a little nervous.

Having a dog around here is going to give me a better feel for being an owner someday. I've always wanted to be one, but my relationship situation has been anything but assured.

Maybe someday it will be.

Someday.

Onwards.

7 Days

One week.

It's been one full week since I last spoke to or saw Fola.

Been about three days since she emailed me. Maybe two, my sense of time can be a little off.

I.. well, I feel those feelings again today. Didn't feel anything in the past while, but today they're coming on strong.

Warmth in my chest again. Got this... feeling in my head as well, not quite sure how to describe it. Almost feels like the onset of a maniac episode, but I feel restrained enough to be able to contain it.

And experienced. I've been down these roads before. In more difficult situations than this.

Well blog...

Well, well well.

Feels weird. That's for sure. Not having her around. Not talking to her. Not having sex with her or...

...Seeing her daughter. Her sister...

Yeah... it's not fun.

But there's nothing I can do about it right now than to stand my ground.

I don't think I discussed the details of Monday when she came by. Maybe I should.

What I remember is that she showed up without warning. I was at Elk Island for most of the day, and didn't get home until around 8pm. She showed up shortly after as I was doing the dishes.

Said she was there earlier at around 4pm. I remember her calling me twice while I was at the park and I ignored her calls.

I also remember going there wanting to see a Bison and didn't see one until I left. Which... strange to say it now, was something of a fun coincidence to see. Two of them were wandering on the road near the entrance, which I remember thinking was unlikely for them to be loitering around.

But, they were there. I threw Oreos at them. Think one of them gave me a dirty look as he moved his way along on the left-hand side of the road as I was driving out.

I remember thinking that this felt like a sign. I had asked... to see a Bison and they appeared in an unlikely area.

I remember thanking God for making this happen. And I remember feeling strength within me, knowing that I am watched and listened and that I need only to stand by my convictions and to have faith in however everything plays out.

That line of credit is now coming to mind as well. I jumped on TRUL today.. already up almost a grand in profit. Hoping it'll run some more.

Anyways... So, she arrived shortly after I came home from the park and I was in the middle of doing dishes.

She showed up wearing that dress I like. And her eyes were beaming despite my having ignored her for the previous few days.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

She replied saying, "I want to connect with you."

I remember... the days earlier when she did NOT want to connect with me. I remembered the nights when she did not want to cuddle with me. Or the times when I touch her and I get no response.

And so, I... reminded her of all that. Spent the next hour or so telling her exactly how I felt about every little thing in our relationship and about what she is doing.

I told her how I didn't agree with how over the moon she was with astrology, the Kabbalah, psychic powers and secret societies and wanting to heal people with... well, magic, I guess.

I told her how...

Well, it doesn't really matter. I told her everything. As she sat in silence for the most part across from me at the dining table, I remember thinking that I was glad to be able to freely speak the truth of how I felt. That I have little to apologize for.

Other than to allow... allow her to get her way more times than she deserved to.

Not sticking up for myself enough. Being too agreeable. Too...

...Weak.

Aimless, too. I suppose. No real goals in mind right now than to be making money on the stock market and when she brought that up, I explained why that is. I am unemployed, the job market does not look good for my trade and I have debt that needs to be taken care of.

I also would like financial security in my life. Rather than taking her approach by staring into a mirror and repeating affirmations to be getting unexpected income, I am actually doing something about it. I am working whenever I scour Reddit for stocks and news and whatnot.

...

So... apart from a few moments. Such as when she said "you'll never be happy" in telling me that I won't ever find the type of love that I am hoping for because it doesn't exist; I remember... feeling indifferent to that. The happiness that I seek could be complemented by her, but... her complacency doesn't inspire me enough to believe it is possible. Yet, she feels certain that she is the only girl for me. And... then she spent most of the rest of the evening in silence. Listening to me unload everything that was on my chest. Didn't offer much in the way of feedback or agreement or even argument for the most part.

Well... Actually, I brought up the point of... How she dropped the f-bomb around Ivy the week previous and she... unbelievably tried to argue it away as a joke and that it's her daughter and that I shouldn't question her parenting.

This is from the woman who got upset with me for making a "that's what she said" joke around her daughter for the benefit of Fola and her sister. I thought it was funny, and I knew that Ivy wouldn't understand the subtleties of that type of humor. Nothing offensive was said. And yet... Fola can drop the f-bomb and try to tell me that I shouldn't be questioning her parenting.

Anyways... So... Once I was done, the silence between us grew. She... was just sitting there. Looking into my eyes as I was with her.

Not reaching for me.. not saying sorry. Not... really... doing anything.

I reached for her hand. Held it a bit... and then pulled away.

It was a strange... kind of empowerment about myself that night. I didn't... bow to her. Didn't... make her the center of my attention.

Stood my ground and spoke my truth.

With as straight a spine as I could muster.

And so... After a while of sitting across from one another looking into our eyes, I suggested we listen to music. Put on Max Ritcher and we sat on the couch. Cuddling.

And during all this, I kept thinking... where is this going to go from here? I... felt so distant from her. She didn't acknowledge my prior complaints or address them. Didn't apologize or offer solutions.

So... my... heart wasn't with her. And yet we were cuddling.

And... this is where faith kind of comes in. I just did what I felt I most wanted to do.

Most needed to do.

And... it ended up with us kissing.

Then, she suggested we go upstairs.

During all this... I... wasn't really in the mood. Kind of and kind of wasn't. Felt that the issues I raised weren't going to be solved by us having sex. Felt that... if I go through with it, it'll mean we'd be back "together" and all our problems will be temporarily erased/forgiven.

I didn't want to absolve her of responsibility for her actions by validating it with sex.

And, so... this is the mindset I carried with me into the bedroom.

I didn't give it much effort. I'll be honest. It didn't take me long to orgasm and.. when I did, I felt... like I was done. It was late, I was tired and I honestly.. didn't give a shit if I didn't make her come or not. I mean, while I was doing it I did, but I didn't want to put in more effort than...

...than effort that she has given me, in the past while. Which is, not much.

I'm mindful of the way she left things off with us. Distant and focused on her laptop and... then tried to pin it on me at the end. That her being distant was my responsibility to deal with. That I had to take her out for dinner in order for her to feel... excited enough to have sex.

I didn't want to... brush that all aside and put in the effort.

And, so... when she got all stiff and closed off and I asked what was wrong...

"That's it?!" she said. Referring to the sex.

"Yes. That's it. I'm tired. Thought maybe you came already."

"No, I didn't."

... I was honest. I was tired. And... I've given her so much over these past few weeks and she has given me so little, that I felt insulted that she would demand more from me.

More that I wasn't willing to give.

I thought... after all I had said earlier, about feeling neglected and pushed away and taken for granted and unappreciated... I thought all that would have left an impact. Maybe she would understand not to take so much from me.

And that she would give, instead. To make up for this void she helped create.

But she didn't. And...

Ugh.. what an ugly mess it resulted in. Being truthful with her was... not fun. And when she wouldn't believe what I was telling her, she started making up a narrative. A story that painted me as an asshole that just wanted to "use" her for sex.

I... parroted her nonsense. Realized that the truth wasn't what she respected or was willing to hear. Instead, I nodded and sarcastically said that yes I used her. Hoping she would see how ridiculous her accusations were.

But, she didn't see them as ridiculous. Instead, she swatted at me and I hit her back. Nothing serious, but it was enough to convey the disrespect we both felt for each other.

She got up to leave and...

Yeah... I had my jacket on, ready to head to the convenience store. Didn't feel tired any more after this incident. Was out of cigarettes and badly needed a pack. Too much fucking stress with this girl.

Too much fucking stress.

And, so... that was the l... well, after I left 7-11 at about 1:30 in the morning, I planned on hanging out at a nearby parking lot. Drove there and saw her car. Drove back out and...

Found a different spot to park in and gather my thoughts.

So.. that was... the last time I saw her.

...

She had a pimple on her forehead.

I stood my ground.

She... fell back into her ego. Demanded things from me.

Expressed disappointment that I wouldn't give her what she was expecting.

And... still ignorant of how much she... has used me, in the past.

Used me and gave little back in return.

No lingerie, no scones.

No big trip being planned for us. Like she said she would.

Have to fight to... have sex... to cuddle.. to be respected and appreciated and loved.

Not going to fight anymore.

Seven days...

Seven days.

Not sure where... I'll be going from here.

But I do know one thing.

I deserve better.

I've given her so much and I deserve better.

I say that with confidence and with faith.

And with hope.

I'm going to miss her daughter. Our conversations. Our potential.

Our potential.

If only... she would take us more seriously. Realize that the world doesn't revolve around her. Develop more self-awareness about herself.

Realize the effects her actions and the lack-of has on the relationships around her.

...

This time apart is... good, I suppose. Not good in the way it is making me and her feel, but good.

Good to test ourselves this way.

We could've been amazing together. We were amazing. We had our amazing moments.

But she doesn't realize that I am not going to provide her with everything she wants while she sits back and does whatever she feels.

And... doesn't take my happiness into consideration,

Doesn't realize that I have to be happy in order to want to please her.

And... I am not in the business of giving... without at least being appreciated for it.

No appreciation. No reason for me to continue.

And the words that come out of her mouth, that sometimes appear to be appreciation; is not backed up by her actions.

Her actions speak louder than her tongue does.

And... I know...

She...

...

It doesn't matter.

I'm still here.

I feel lost, but I am still here.

I am listened towards. Watched over.

I shouldn't fear the future.

I am still... a believer.

I still dream.

I still have faith. In plans that are greater and grander than my mortal brain can comprehend the workings of.

For the first time since Lauren... I now know what it feels to be on the opposite side of the fence.

And...

I hope I'm doing this better than what Lauren has done to me.

I don't want to hurt Fola... but... she seems to desire it. There's a reason why she openly said that she wants me to abuse her. Even if she cannot consciously explain it.

Her selfishness has to stop.

And perhaps...

I am helping.

Anyways...

Time will reveal all things...

Even if I cannot perceive them now.

I have stood my ground and spoke my truth.

For that, I will accept punishment and reward alike.

I will not betray myself any further.

So help me God.

More Disappointment

Last night Fola sent me an email titled "Fwd: Forgiveness" that I ignored reading.

Got around to reading it this morning.

Before I opened it, I had a few thoughts going through my mind. Three days without speaking to each other might mean that she took the time to reflect upon our circumstances and was going to acknowledge and apologize for her behavior.

What a mistaken idea that was.

Here is the email:

Evening David,

I opened my email with the intention of writing an email to you because I felt it was time. I saw the weekly Tarot email in my inbox and opened it (see below). Low and behold. I think the topic is fitting. 

I have gone through a variety of thoughts and feelings this weekend and it has allowed me to come to understandings of myself and you. I am sending you the email because I believe it's important. I have been digging more into this forgiveness piece - forgiving myself and you and others.  Forgiving myself for the things I did not do and did do.  The email goes about explaining why it is important to forgive ourselves and others. Speaking with my friend about prayer (Catholics) this is part of the process. Forgiveness of sins (of us missing the mark). We don't always hit the mark but we can keep trying; just like an archer continues to practice. 

I honestly don't even know what the whole Thursday fight was about, but clearly it had to be let out. I have been purging so many negative things; our past, my negative thoughts and anxieties/worries.  I could sense something was up and had my own thoughts and opinions that wanted to be put out on the table. I am fine taking the time needed to recenter and figure our what we both need to accomplish and work through - I hope you are too, which I assume you are because I haven't heard back from you.  Though I won't lie it's been emotional, but not as bad as it has in the past. I trust that this is the step that needs to happen - just stepping back so we can both reconnect with our higher Selves more clearly. I pray that you continue to do the great work you're supposed to and that you are stepping into your power.  I will not put expectations on you without clearly stating my desires or hopes in terms of what I need in the future. I hope you can continue to move into speaking your truth as well and being vulnerable. 

I feel my ego has many more things to say, but I won't put them here because they aren't beneficial. Thanks for your reading this and the time we have spent together. 

Also, as I appreciate the help you provided me with my website and that, I am offering my support with reading your book. The offer is always standing if you want to send a chapter or two a week, I will read and give you my thoughts. I am not going to push that matter any more. 

I am going to spend the rest of the week doing some more uncovering of myself and the things I learned the other weekend and clearing whatever baggage is left behind. I trust that the things coming together are for the betterment of both of us and the world. I just continue to ask that you remember you are here for a reason and that is to BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS. God didn't give you gifts for nothing. Share that light always.

That is it. 

<3 div="">

Fola

After reading this, my gut impression was that she is insane.

Insane.

I don't think she gets it and ever will.

She then attached this long thing about forgiveness as interpreted by a lady who drew a tarot card and blasted out an email to a bunch of people.

Apparently I am supposed to be forgiven for...

I don't even know, man.

Forgiven for being treated like a piece of shit and voicing my complaints about it? That's what I should be forgiven about?

Forgiving herself she also says... For what? For treating me like a piece of shit and taking me for granted?

As I read this and think about the last couple texts I sent her, I can't understand how she wrote this type of email. What does she expect to happen from it? "Oh! It's about FORGIVENESS" and this light bulb goes off in my head like it's nothing I haven't considered? And all is well in this world because she figured out this formerly elusive idea?

Give me a break.

"low and behold" ... is how she starts it off with. Grand introduction. She thinks the "topic" is fitting.

Second paragraph. She has "gone through a variety of thoughts and feelings" to "come to understandings of myself and you". Wonderful. She's thought about her actions, her complacency and has taken the time to figure things out.

"I honestly don't even know what the whole Thursday fight was about"

So much for coming to understandings about our situation.

My last big text to her wasn't ambiguous. It wasn't difficult to understand what my concerns and complaints were. It also isn't hard to know why I was upset that day. Multiple things have happened. Not just then, but leading up to it.

And...

Well...

This is par for the course. I might as well give up on her ever developing a normal sense of empathy, awareness and compassion.

She hasn't a clue what impact her actions and lack of them have on our relationship. She won't take responsibility for them. Wouldn't address any in her email, which is what I was hoping she would do.

And then suggest means to fix or improve on what the issues are.

Instead, she writes me this... This... rant or spiel on forgiveness, but makes it more about her than about us.

No proposed solutions. No direct acknowledgement of what the real issues are between us.

Just this... self-centered... ignorance...

"We don't always hit the mark; but we can keep trying; just like an archer continues to practise."

Trying. She says. Yeah... I've seen how she "tried" after each of our breakups in the past where she promises changes that never seem to manifest for more than a couple of days or a week

And then she forgets all about them. Just like she will forget about this email and has already forgotten about what lead up to our dispute on Thursday.

No self-awareness. Little capacity for reflection and understanding. Willful ignorance.

Hardly any empathy. I suspect she doesn't know how to place herself in someone else's shoes. She favourited a video on YouTube called "how to do empathy". I think that says enough.

"It's been emotional, but not as bad as it has been in the past"

Great. Translating that statement means = "I'm not as bothered by all this like I used to be"

Which means she doesn't really give a shit.

Nonsensical statements as well. "I will not put expectations on you without clearly stating my desires or hopes in terms of what I need in the future"

Wow. Made it all about her and her "needs" in the future.

Ridiculous.

Doesn't address or consider my needs. Doesn't understand how neglectful she's been.

It doesn't even make sense what she wrote. No expectations without clearly stating her desires or hopes of what she needs?" ... I can't understand what this is supposed to mean.

Not a very thoughtful email. I can plainly see that she didn't put much effort into it or is treating anything with seriousness.

Forgiveness...

Is going to be a fad for her. Just like everything else is.

Yesterday I wrote about how she needs to hit bottom in order to change. I think this still stands. I think she has a ways to go before that happens.

I thought briefly about replying to her email, but realized that it is not going to do anything but perpetuate the problem. It would be my ego looking to protect itself and lash out at her ignorance.

Same old, same old.

Not going to fall for this trap.

I can tell that she wants me to get upset. To get angry. To really vocalize my frustrations with her and to describe in detail everything.

But I won't. I will not pander to her lazy way of thinking.

Spoiled and self-entitled.

Delusional.

Careless. Thoughtless.

"I feel that my ego has many more things to say but I won't because they're not beneficial."

Translation: "I want to insult you but I'm holding my tongue because I am a mature woman capable of self-control."

"Thanks for reading this. And the time we've spent together."

Translation: "I needed to vent and want to express faux-appreciation for all that you've [I] have given me [her]."

Why doesn't she express that appreciation openly whenever we are together? Not distance herself? Not show up at my place empty-handed, going to her laptop, comparing me to her ex, leaving dirty dishes...

Telling me that she feels "disgusted" by sex.

Telling me to "think about it" after she left. As if I am the one with the problem, here.

So utterly clueless.

And she... Oh... this part:

"I am offering my support with reading your book"

...

Back story here. I sent her a chapter of "No Love Left On Earth" about a year ago. When I asked her for feedback, she said it was "good" or something along those lines. Didn't ask any questions. Didn't comment on the flow. Didn't comment on the ideas or the style or the characters.

Didn't care.

Then months later, when I told her I channeled a couple of books, she asked to read that too.

Commented on one line I wrote. That was it. No overall summary of her thoughts. No suggestions. No questions asked.

No useful feedback that I can take and use. No encouragement, either.

And it was only recently that I brought this to her attention. That she wasn't interested in my writing because she hasn't asked for anything since I showed her those chapters.

I already know she is not interested in reading them, so to see her say she is "offering her support" in reading my book, is downright insulting.

Insulting.

With Gina, I could see the excitement on her face as she talked about reading my chapter. She asked questions about the story. The characters, and asked to read more.

Not so with Fola.

And... that statement of hers... "offer support to read" ... is like this huge favour she is offering to do for me. This... burden she is willing to undertake in exchange for her reading whatever I send her.

I bet the feedback is going to be about as useful as it was a year ago.

"It's good."

...

Not going to bother. She's not interested and she's pretending to be.

That is not the type of woman I want to be with.

A liar.

An entitled self-serving.... ignorant...

Sighs.

I am not really that angry as I type all this. I feel this resignation in me. I know I have to accept that this is how she is and likely this is how she always will be.

She will always be that hummingbird flying around dipping her beak in one thing before moving onto the next. Never staying for long enough to make use of the nectar she's gathered. Or to...

It doesn't matter.

"I hope you to can continue to move in speaking your truth as well as being vulnerable"

No. You do NOT want t hear my "truth". You've demonstrated enough times in the past that you are easily defensive and wounded by words that I consider to be true. Like these ones.

Why the hell would I open myself and be vulnerable around someone who doesn't respect truth? Who is so easily damaged by it?

She is going to be spending the rest of the week "uncovering" things about her and her baggage.

Okay, Fola. I've heard you say this enough times already. About how you're "purging" and "releasing" which are thinly veiled excuses for "I am irrational and I am negative and eventually these things will work themselves out"

You'll always be "purging" and "releasing".

Always.

Until you understand that the world doesn't revolve around you.

"BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS"

She capitialized all that.

Unbelievable.

Coming from the woman who left dirty dishes at my house three times in a row.

Hasn't offered to help with anything around my place, despite my having done it for her.

That's being of service, alright.

I am considering dropping her things off at her sister's house and moving on.

But the time isn't right yet.

Maybe in a week.

In the meantime...

I'm just going to honour who I am and what I stand for.

I believe...

I believe.

I've seen enough to believe. Though... sometimes I wonder about it. But that's normal.

I met Christina for a reason.

I have had a line of credit offered to me at the right time for a reason.

...

Things are happening.

Things are moving.

And I will flow along with it.

El Grande Disappointo

Yes, again I am here and yes again, Fola...

It's Fola related.

Day two of our "break" I suppose you can call it. Though I didn't ask for one.

She suggested it, and I guess that's the way it's going to be. Ignored two of her phone calls so far. No texts from her or surprise visits, so that's good.

Where to begin.

Hm. Dinner at her house. She made lamb stew last week. Delicious, and I expressed my appreciation for it. My mom makes beef stew and this was almost as good if not better in some ways than hers.

However, my mom makes it with peas and onions. Thought I'd suggest to Fola that peas would really improve on an already amazing recipe.

She gets pissed off. "I don't need to hear your criticism! Just enjoy it and be quiet!"

I got defensive. Told her it was only a suggestion. Reminded her that I thought it was well-made.

Everything gets awkward. Her daughter Ivy is sitting between us, picking at her bowl. Her sister Sade is on my left and then Fola made a remark about how Sade yelled at her earlier.

Sade got defensive, and turned to me. Attempting to explain the situation,

"She was going to use a rissotto in the recipe!"

I didn't know what it meant, because who cares what kind of red wine is being used. Told her just that.

"It's a sparkling wine..."

"Oh. I see.. Yeah, I wouldn't be putting that in..."

Fola loses her shit. Stands up at the table, pounds it down with a hand and says, "if you two don't like it, you can get the fuck out!"

Or something along those lines.

I couldn't believe her outburst. I can kind of see where it would come from, but dropping the f-bomb in front of her daughter? Throwing a tantrum in front of her? Being THAT upset over such minor gripes? Or that sensitive?

I looked her square in the eyes as she realized the severity of her outburst and began to laugh it off as a joke.

"That's not funny Fola. Your daughter is right here."

Honestly, if that was my kid next to me, I would've reamed her out.

But, I didn't. I sat there glaring at her while she cradled her head in her hands. Smiling. Which didn't make any sense to me.

The energy between us intensified. And then...

Ivy places both her hands on top of our arms and said, "no! stop it!"

I...

God, man.

That little girl.

Love her. Wish that was my kid.

And I wish she didn't have to see the way her mom behaved.

The way she embarrassed herself. The... example.. the role model she is supposed to be.

A woman of maturity. And compassion. And love and understanding and wisdom and patience.

Fola demonstrated she is none of those things.

Impulsive. Self-serving. Oblivious and lacking in empathy.

Hungry for power in the form of crystal bed healings. Witchcraft. The Kabbalah. And the list goes on.

Always looking for the next big thrill. Easily bored after a while of having it. Gets complacent. Loses perspective. Does not ever try to work on herself in a serious and disciplined manner. Prefers easy outs like the law of attraction and "attunement" videos she watches on YouTube.

So.. that was last week. Other things have happened since.

Now to write about two days ago.

She shows up unexpectedly at my house at around 10am. She did text she was going to come, but I didn't see it. Was busy doing other things.

Came in wearing lipstick. Looked nice. Gave me a peck on the cheeks.

Interrupted my game of Battlefront, so I welcomed her in and sat down to finish it off.

She then goes right to her laptop and begins banging away at it. Doing random things, like working on her website, emails, etc. Immediately productive. Made me feel like I didn't exist as I watched her all absorbed.

Wish she would've sat down next to me on the couch as I finished the game. Would've liked some conversation beyond exchanging pleasantries.

Whatever. I finished off my game and sat at the dining table next to her.

Asked her how breakfast was. She described this delicious sounding meal.

And... these... thoughts kept coming to me. I realized she showed up without coffee or tea or breakfast or offering to make me any.

Again, whatever.

She then makes herself tea.

Continues being productive.

I helped her with her website and gave her suggestions.

She...

Okay.. this is sounding stupid. But keep in mind, that a lot of little things she was doing kept adding up to my feeling more and more distant from her.

It was all about her. I realized.

I began ignoring her. Went on my phone to check the markets and to keep up with news on Reddit.

There was no closeness between us. She ignored the touch I gave her as I went to the bathroom.

I began thinking.. so she just shows up and ignores me.

Why even come over? She could've just gone to Starbucks and done what she was doing.

Hours go by like this. We head out for lunch because she was hungry. I didn't feel all that interested because I made my own breakfast while she pecked away at the keyboard. Leaving her used cup on the table, which she has done the last couple times she was here. Watched me fill the sink with water to do dishes. Didn't offer to help but asked me to help her the other night when I was over.

There was a moment in the car when I was checking my phone as it was 20 minutes away from market close and I wanted to see where my investments would end up.

"Stop looking at your phone" she says.

Again.. little things... I was reminded of how she spent most of the afternoon ignoring me and focused on her "work". I didn't once tell her to stop doing what she was doing, and I had already told her before how important the market was to me. I have 55 thousand dollars in there. 36 of it from a line of credit. There was a lot on the line and she knows how important financial security is to me and how uncertain I am about finding work in the near future.

Just another little thorn when she said that.

Later...

Man.. so many stupid little things that it bothers me to write them down.

We had a fight about the podcast. Again... it bothers me to write the details out because of how banal they seem. Basically, she impulsively records our conversations and wants to post them online without my input. Today she did the same. Just threw it up on YouTube without asking or confiding in me.

I didn't like the cover image she used. And I also felt that it would be simply courtesy and respect to tell me she was posting it and for her to check in with me on that.

Not just do whatever the hell she wants.

Then, she compares me to her husband Larry. Saying how different she is with me compared to with him. I told her I didn't appreciate the comparison and that I do not openly compare her with any of my exes. This isn't the first time I've been compared to Larry. I've been compared to her dad, as well.

Little things... Little thorns... aggravations.

And so much contradiction with her. I remember us having an argument where she expected me to read her mind. Literally. Like, whatever it was she was unhappy about, I had to know magically already know why and work to correct it. Today, she ended up telling me that she couldn't read my mind. Basically expecting me to, but it's okay if she doesn't do the same because she is too lazy or unable to utilize any empathy.

Little things. Like...

Ugh.

So much irrationality.

Her sister Sade said to Ivy after her outburst at the dinner table, that "mommy is going crazy".

I am believing that has already happened. And I am empowering this nonsense of hers by letting it all slide and humoring her being spiritually inquisitive.

A few days ago she refused to have sex because she said she felt "disgusted".

Rejected me a few times already for wanting to have sex. I lay in bed being unsure of whether I should touch her or not. She complains if I do and if I don't and how I do it. Nothing has really changed fundamentally from how it once was with us. Or what approach I take.

I ... I just had enough. Thorns... little things. All adding up to this.

She came to the couch as I sat down, before she had to leave at around 330.

I felt so distant and apart from her that I think she sensed it, and came in close to cuddle.

But it felt so...

Lifeless.

As if it was a chore. A favor from her.

At that moment, I didn't care anymore. I couldn't respect this woman. I know she doesn't really love me.

She only loves the way I make her feel.

When I try.

I...

Then the conversation turns to her asking me about the relationship. I said I didn't know what she was getting at.

"I think it's getting stagnant" she says.

I... felt like this anger welled up inside of me. How clueless of her. Of course it's stagnant because she hasn't done anything lately to make me excited or appreciative of her. She has done nothing to add value to my life. She rejects me in small subconscious ways that I am compelled to stop trying.

In the past couple of weeks, I helped her clean her house. Helped her with her website, her email, been supportive of her efforts in starting up this spiritual emergence group. Gave her a massage when she asked for it. Came over whenever she invited me. Even when I didn't want to come over.

A few days ago she had her friend Melody come by for supper. Wouldn't invite me, so I invited myself. Her rationale was that she had to ask Melody first if it was okay for her "partner" to come along.

"partner" ... I've always disliked that term and Fola knows it. For a while she was referring to me as her boyfriend, but it looks like I'm back to being a "partner". Didn't introduce me as anything other than "David" when Melody showed up.

And apparently the usual dinner we have on Wednesdays wasn't...

Fuck, man. I'm tired of writing about all this.

Feels like such a stupid game is being played. It has progressed into an art form.

She hasn't made me scones in months. Hasn't baked me anything. And that lingerie she kept promising she's looking into, months ago, still hasn't arrived.

I realize how banal this sounds. This is not reason enough for me to get angry.

But I can't quite capture this relationship in words, now. I can't possibly do it justice to communicate all the little things Fola has done to undermine the intensity of our bond.

And the way she would defer responsibility.

"We should be focused on working on ourselves!" she would claim, again, even though I am convinced that our relationship needs to be taken seriously in order for it to have that magic and excitement it once had. Look... if she is jumping out of bed in the mornings and not wanting to cuddle with me because she feels its "wasting time" when previously we used to enjoy spending hours in there listening to music and bonding; then I think she is completely sabotaging the connection we once had.

All because she thinks she knows better.

...

And then she wants to cuddle when I openly reject her. When I leave the bed and tend to other things. That's the time she wants to cuddle and get physical. When I am not giving her any attention.

I really am not communicating this very well. I can't quite capture how she makes me feel. Like I have to beg for attention now.. where once it was freely given.

Basically, if I am not happy then everything goes to shit because I feel that it is me who is largely responsible for the quality of our relationship. As immodest as it sounds.

And I have noticed that lately I've contributed so much more to the relationship than she has. I've helped her in several small ways.

Here's another barb. She was working late a few nights on the weekend. I would leave the outside lights on for her when she arrives after midnight as I lay in bed. Making sure the front door is unlocked for her as well.

She doesn't notice or appreciate the gesture. How do I know this? Because in the morning she reminds me that "you left your lights on" as she leaves.

That's... the thorn, again. This lack of self-awareness about her. These little things DO mean a lot in the grand scheme of things and she is oblivious as to their importance.

And it is all these small things that I've done, that has contributed to the excitement we've had in our relationship. Getting her a small gift. Helping her with her work. Picking up a Kinect for her sister. Giving her my undivided attention. Giving her support when she needs it.

And.. so... on the couch we had that conversation about us being "stagnant" and then she says she has to go. Nothing was resolved. At the door I leaned in for a kiss and she turns away.

We discussed a short few minutes ago about her "rejecting" me in various ways.

I called her out on this. Glad to have spotted this gesture and brought it immediately to her attention so we can discuss exactly what I was trying to convey earlier.

She then.. decides not to take responsibility. Made excuses. Tried to say that I should take her out more and make her feel special.

Which never mattered before in our relationship. We were happy to lay around and listen to music without going out. We had some amazing moments like this. Staring into each others eyes and being affectionate and talking about life and spirituality and the future with wide bright eyes and hope and innocence.

No more,

According to her, those moments are a waste of time now.

According to her, we should be focused on working on ourselves.

Which is what today looked like. With her on the laptop and me on the phone. Ignoring each other and growing increasingly distant.

I am continuing not doing a very good job explaining any of this. She leaves and tells me to "think about it" in reference to my having to put in extra effort to please her in order for her to be in the mood to have sex.

That didn't sit well with me.

Few hours later she texts me suggesting that if I need a break, then I could have one. Just not let it be too long, she suggests.

I... exploded. Told her in the nicest possible terms that I...

It doesn't matter. Feel like such a chump typing it out.

This girl is playing around. From day one.

She has no integrity. No honour.

No compassion. No empathy.

Is a terrible role model for her daughter.

Can never truly understand the pains of others because she hasn't experienced pain herself. Had everything given to her on a silver platter. Makes tons of money at her job and doesn't appreciate it enough to work more than three days a week.

Constantly... immersing herself in bullshit. Telling me with a straight face that she is automatic-writing/channeling the angel Metatron. Or that Isis appeared to her in a dream over the weekend and told her that she would be labeled "weird" for doing certain things. Or that Yesod of the Kabbalah is something she has to study more because of "signs" she claims to have experienced which didn't convince me at all when she spoken of them. Or some dream where her spirit animal arrives and... blah.

Always chasing after money, but not willing to work for it.

Thinks that her spiritual emergence course is going to be in high demand. But doesn't understand the nature of the audience she is targeting. Psychotics, mainly. People with schizophrenia.

She wants a forum to talk about and "guide" others to spiritual awakening but doesn't want to deal with any of the difficult that comes with it. I know, I've been down that path. I would not join her group or be fit to join her group. No way in hell would I open up and be vulnerable to her while having a psychotic episode and questioning my place in the universe and in the grand scheme of things.

And she hardly knows a damned thing about spirituality. She flitters like a hummingbird from flower to flower. Never really integrating the information she picks up. Just forgets about it and moves onto the next shiny object that dangles before her.

Another thing on that day. We had an argument about the stock market and how I think she should buy stock in the American marijuana industry for her daughter's RESP because likely if she's going to be able to forget about it for another 14 years; she would be rich and well-off if she picked the right companies.

"I don't have money to invest! Where am I going to get it from?"

This is what she says. Coming from someone who blew off tens of thousands of dollars recently from a pension she received. Coming from someone who argued vehemently with me that she manifests money out of nowhere by staring at her left-eye in the mirror each day for a month and visualizing unexpected income, etc. This is the same girl who doesn't have "money" for a trip the two of us was supposed to take a year ago, which she kept promising we eventually will go on; and yet, she was able to find money enough to go to Vancouver and Boston.

Oh, and she blew a grand to take some Mystery School course over the last weekend. Did she learn anything of value from it? Did she share any of that with me? No and no.

...

Fuck, man.. I wanted ...

You know.. it doesn't matter what I want.

Not to her, it doesn't.

Wish I could describe... capture our relationship better...

All these little things. These false promises. Sometimes outright lies. Little to no attempt to correct for any of the reasons we broke up in the past. I am still having the same concerns about her now as I did back then,

She is contributing nothing of value to my life. Leaves a mess in my house for me to clean up. Doesn't care to help with anything, and yet I helped her with a bunch of stuff.

No reciprocation and then she gets upset whenever I ask for something.

Like affection.

And she wonders why we're "stagnant" when she has been putting in zero effort to please me. To keep her word. To learn from her mistakes. To stop rejecting me and swallow her pride enough to place my happiness ahead of hers.

She wants to sit back and be fawned upon.

Not going to happen.

She...

Ugh.

Fuck...

You know... I don't really care. I notice that I am caring less and less about that woman. I know now to ignore the words coming out of her mouth and to focus on her actions instead.

Her actions tell me all I need to know.

I am not happy with her. Could have been. Once has been. But no more.

When she asked me over text abo...

It doesn't matter.

All I know is that I am not of any importance to her beyond what I give.

And she doesn't want to give back. She has no appreciation for the things that I do. No awareness of most of them either.

She is irrational. Impulsive. Thoughtless. Clueless.

And those are not words I want to be using to describe my girlfriend. Or my future wife.

Careless. Ignorant.

Dumb.

Spoiled.

Entitled.

Greedy.

Reckless.

Heartless.

Snide. Negative. Sarcastic.

I spent some time thinking about the positives, and I find that it is a challenge to come up with more than a couple of traits or reasons as to why I am supposedly in love and loved by her.

Barbs. Thorns. A game of... thorns...

(sighs)

When I start to care this little.... I think... it's...

I'm thinking that it's time to let her go.

I think she needs to feel the pain of my absence in order to evolve. To become forged by heartbreak and loss.

There doesn't seem to be any other way.

She doesn't appreciate what she has until it's gone.

And once it returns, she forgets about it in a few weeks or a month.

Just like everything else she forgets about. Unwilling to address or acknowledge the past mistakes she has committed, but quick to bring up comparisons of her husband and I. Quick to bring up events when it suits her narrative or argument.

Hypocrisy has always been the one quality I detest most in people. Saying one thing and doing another,

And this girl... not going to call her a woman, because she isn't, this girl exemplifies hypocritical thinking and beliefs.

Yeah...

I may have to let her go.

I however.. am not... firm in my decision. Something... is telling me inside to wait and watch and prepare..

For what, I don't know.

Maybe a hyper-aggressive action on her part. Maybe threats of suicide. Maybe her bawling at my door and me keeping my arms folded and resolute in not caving in to her emotions,

I sure hope not.

I know she is not going to let me go that easily.

Because I suit her agenda.

And she should know that she doesn't suit mine. She doesn't complement mine. Doesn't support it beyond lip service. Is unwilling to put my happiness ahead of hers. Always waiting for a problem to present itself, or creating that problem and then deciding to take action. Maybe.

Never pre-emptively correcting these issues or working to improve anything with us.

Drama. Thrives on it.

Unconsciously acts to make it happen. To embrace chaos over order. Confusion over harmony. Selfishness over selflessness.

Not ever delving deep inside of herself to make the changes necessary to grow and evolve. Always looking outside. At crystal beds. Crystals. Magic. Crowley and the Kabbalah and tarot cards and...

Shamanism. Prayer.

It sickens me, This is not only toxic but its blasphemous.

She needs a catalyst to change.

Perhaps that is my role in all this.

To reject her firmly and fully.

And to let her suffer for her mistakes.

Not because I desire it.

But because that is what she needs in order to become a better human being. To drop that sense of entitlement and anger and fear that constantly sticks to her soul.

To have her ego humbled.

I don't think there is any other way other than failure for her to achieve growth.

She thinks she is too big to fail. In life, in motherhood and in relationships.

And other people in her life are empowering her decisions and behaviour and giving credit where no credit is due.

She once wanted to see her daughter every two weeks. Had I not pointed out how absurd this is, and how ... an ordinary mother would not be okay with only seeing her child every two weeks; she would've gone ahead and done this.

Had I not raised objections about her joining a Satanic sex cult (OTO), she would have joined. Even though she claims to now not be interested, I still remember her telling me about the application she put in and the meeting she went to.

I have a feeling that this woman is a psychopath trying to orient herself. Well... maybe a sociopath, since I don't think she is 100% that out of touch with feelings and empathy. There is a soul inside of her. However damaged it may be.

She is quite detached from reality. And from me.

Yet, this her choice. And I am tired of arguing with her to find her doing a 180 months down the road and claiming it was her own idea for the things that I suggested in the first place.

I don't think she can orient herself on her own. She needs me more than I need her.

She was a whore when I met her. Gussing it up as "sex positive" by sleeping around with different people. Convincing her husband that polyamory is a good idea.

Until she met me and realized that it wasn't.

Yet, argued with me many times about it until she changed her mind.

I offered this woman the world.

And she does not think I need to be repaid for any of what I have done.

Or can do.

And would like to do. For her.

For her daughter, whom I love.

And her sister, who I could also eventually love.

Perhaps her parents as well. In spite of their disapproval of our relationship.

Guess I'm tired of this battle. These multiple battles. This never ending war where she doesn't want a truce and to meet as equals. To form a true partnership where one elevates the other. To WANT to do nice things. To make life easier. To serve and be served in more or less equal amounts.

...

Unless... I don't know... where does karma fit in all this? Maybe this is my job to keep fighting these battles with her. To keep forgiving. To keep believing. To keep giving as much as I can possibly give to her.

But, I hope this isn't my role.

I think she is indebted towards me. But I am not sure... I don't recall anything from my past life involving us. Though she claims to.

...

Yeah... I am lonely now. But that's okay. I've been lonely before.

I can handle loneliness.

I can't handle being taken for granted or lied towards.

Or disrespected.

I don't know where I am going from here, but I believe its onto good things.

I believe.

I have loved that girl like nobody ever in her life has. And she knows it.

But doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't show it.

And that's fine,

But I don't have to accept this any longer.

I can learn to be honest. To honour my own feelings. Just like she argued with me about honoring her feelings about being "disgusted" about sex a few days ago. Or other feelings, like suspecting me of texting a woman when I wasn't and demanding to see my phone despite my telling her the truth. Demonstrating that she doesn't trust me. And likely never will.

I...

Yeah.

I don't care to see or talk to her anytime soon.

I'm going to wait.

I know... there are forces at work here and the correct outcome will present itself.

Long as I am faithful to the cause of becoming a better human being and to make the world into a better place.

And other people, if I can. Even if it hurts.

Just like it must be hurting with her now.

That's love.

Because ultimately, it will transform her.

She will have to confront the pain inside and no crystal bed or chakra cleansing is going to help with any of it.

She has to confront the abyss on her own.

And transcend her darkness.

Without my being at her side.

Time for the dark to become light.

And I...

Will wish her well.

I have no other choice.

She doesn't want to love me, but wants to be loved.

That will be her cross to bear.

Sighs

Big drop in the markets today. Day after I put in over 30k into investments.

Sighs.

5-16% losses on most of them already. Some people on Reddit are anticipating a further drop tomorrow.

I think... Well... I believe those two things I mentioned in my last post has happened for a reason unknown to me,

The lesson that I've learned is to not be so impulsive. That when it comes to the markets, I set reasonable goals and buy in at an entry price that I am comfortable with.

I did that, but ignored the signs of a pullback coming. Too caught up in the euphoria and thinking I would swing trade for 10-15% before pulling out.

Guess that plan didn't work. At least it won't be working for a little while yet.

It's funny how it has been for me lately. Was holding ICC for the longest time, since around February and decided to sell that last week because it wasn't moving relative to the other stocks. Later on that same day, it jumps 10% for no reason, and went up further the following Monday as ACB announced that they are buying them out.

Did make money on CWEB. Still ahead on that. But not by much. And after yesterday, I am down at least a grand or so. Don't want to look at my bank account right now. I don't need that jolt to the soul.

I guess... Well...

Yeah.

I took a chance. I believed. And I still believe in the future of marijuana being legalized and the industries that will come from it. The numbers support all this. CBD and pot use is going to only be more in demand, not less.

But... it's hard when I see red numbers on my stocks. The day after I purchased a bunch of them on a line of credit.

... I don't like how I did that yesterday. Impulsive. Not rational. Not cautious. Just thinking the momentum would carry on. And yeah, in the morning everything was up in double-digits.

So much for that.

I feel a sense of defeated calm right now. It really doesn't matter. It's only money. If I absolutely have to, I can file for bankruptcy.

But... I won't have to.

I can be patient.

This is a test of faith, after all. How badly do I believe that I am deserving of being financially secure.

I am deserving. I...

I can't go on insulating.

I can't.

I don't know what I am destined for, but it is not that.

I know in the bottom of my heart it's not that.

I know... I have a gift to share with the world once I discover the best way how.

But, I need to secure myself financially and weather the coming storms.

That's...

Up to God.

And myself.

By any means.

Yesterday I felt so strange. Was buzzing with a headache. Consciousness expansion, Fola called it along with her feeling similar things.

There is a vibe in the air.

My stomach today feels... settled. Strange to describe it like that, when I should be feeling this uncomfortable lump or knot inside, but my stomach feels strangely calm and settled.

I don't have to panic. I won't allow myself to.

I refuse to live in fear.

And I don't have to.

I have...

I have someone at my side.

I have someone up above.

I still have my family.

I still have me.

Money may seem important right now, but it really isn't. Not when I believe that there are worlds beyond this one that do not place such emphasis or need on material possessions.

But... I don't need to fall before I can rise.

I have fallen enough times already.

I will rise.

I choose to.

No matter what comes next.

May God be smiling upon my soul.

Because I believe in him.

And I believe in myself.

Sighs.

Life will go on as it always has.

And I surrender myself to it.