14 days. 14 since I last saw her.
I'm doing okay. Not as shattered as I was with Lauren or with Georgina. That's a good thing. Having had these painful experiences before, I am not nearly as broken as I would have been without.
I see that things happen for a reason. Trite cliche, I know, but they do. There is an overarching grand plan of which God and I designed on the macro and micro level of evolution.
We are all one and heading towards oneness. With the advent of weed legalization in another week, I can see a ballooning of consciousness occuring, starting with Canada.
The world is changing. The world is healing. Transforming. Becoming.
And I am pleased for my role in all this.
I... still keep thinking of her, though. I keep thinking why... of all the things we've done and shared and experienced, that she wouldn't take us seriously. That... she would make all these promises she wouldn't keep. That she wouldn't put much effort into us after multiple times of her saying she will.
I suppose the why is entitlement and her being self-centered. She thinks she knows what is best for her and for us and against my protests she is stubbornly clinging to the personal narrative she's constructed for herself.
Often in these posts, I... insult her. I use adjectives that aren't flattering and they outnumber the positive attributes of her. I don't like that. I'll never like that, and I don't want these to be the words I use to describe the woman I'm meant to be with.
I suppose this comes down to having faith. It's been so long... So many trials and heart ache and dreams dashed and learning experiences... to get to where I am now.
I am playing the "if only" game at the moment. If only Fola did this or that or listened to this and took that seriously and... I realize that it is not my problem to worry about. It's hers. She has her own life and autonomy and I've done all that I could to make us into something special. And I believe I succeeded. I believe I gave us my best when she didn't. I believe this... our knowing each other was meant to be, and... last night as I thought about us, this realization struck me.
I realized that what we had was outerwordly. We did have electric shocks pass between us that one time. We did have mind-blowing sex. We did have an intense connection unlike anything I'd ever experienced.
We did have synchronicites and coincidences and...
Yeah.
There is a higher power. There is a God. There is a plan.
And we are both part of it.
It is said that pain is the greatest of all teachers, and I imagine that my... refusal to play into her game, is only going to make her a better person. I hope it will, anyways... I think it already has. She's... moved from being this polyamorous... careless woman, to something a little more. She's experienced a greater depth to relationships and I am proud to have helped provide that.
I've set a bar,,, I suppose. Even if she wouldn't credit me for it due to her pride, I know in my heart how much I contributed to the depth she enjoyed experiencing.
I love her. Love her enough to let her go, I suppose. She...
She has to figure it out for herself.
On Wednesday she sent me an email about her friend Mary who did our birthdates and told her she was a ... I think.. an Aries North node? Or South node. Can't quite remember. She sent me two videos and said "this makes perfect sense". I remember watching the first video and was surprised at how it seemed to apply to Fola. It described how she needs to not be so selfish and to open up more and yada yada. I was even more surprised when it turns out that this first video was supposed to describe ME, according to this Aries north/south idea. The other video was the one Fola claimed to be hers and it seemed to describe me more than it does her.
Doesn't make any sense. We're opposites. She admits that. But she thinks the other video is her and not me. The other video talked about stepping into one's power and not being a doormat for others.
That's me. Not her.
But... anyways... I wrote back explaining all this, and she wrote back. Decided not to reply to what she said, which was more of the same.
She promised she would make more of an effort. Again. Wishes we were together. Again.
Again and again and again she says the same things after each breakup and again and again she is not going to follow through with anything of what she said.
Had enough
I need something more than this.
More than lies. More than immaturity. More than selfishness.
Really reminds me of Lauren. So many parallels.
And... I wonder what was I supposed to have learned from Lauren that is to be translated to Fola... they almost mimic each other. I think... I think I learned about putting my foot down when I needed to, instead of swallowing up all the bullshit and having a "yes, ma'am" agreeable attitude. That's being a doormat. And I'm proud that I haven't been a complete doormat while with her. Although I did slip into dangerous territory more than a few times.
Anyways... on Wednesday, I was having a cigarette by my patio door when I heard a loud THONK and looked outside. This is what I saw:
(sighs) New phone... have to tinker around with it to get my photos to display.
I'll write up a new post once I'm able to.
Well, blog... I believe... everything will be okay.
I believe.
I hope to foster a dog soon.
There is an event on the 15th I believe that will shed more light on this being a possibility. Through SCARS. I'm excited and a little nervous.
Having a dog around here is going to give me a better feel for being an owner someday. I've always wanted to be one, but my relationship situation has been anything but assured.
Maybe someday it will be.
Someday.
Onwards.
