Wondering

Hello blog.

I'm... stuck. Caught in this...

Ennui.

My entire day amounted to very little. Like it has for the past while. I've achieved two things, and neither are particularly remarkable.

But I did do two things.

Sighs.

Fola..

I need to make a choice.

To believe in her or not.

To be with her or not.

To reach out or not.

What I am most conflicted about, is that... I know she is not going to be a good mother to my unborn child. I know... she... wouldn't make for a good wife.

She can, but she won't. Not to me, anyways.

Because... I have seen... the way she is. I know her soul. And I know...

We...

Sighs. Fumbling for words now... Maybe I just don't want to say them. Seems easier to leave this all up to chance and not make any concrete decisions.

Or to judge another human being. To condemn them.

I don't want to.

And yet... each day... a part of me screams at her, and another part wants to hold her close.

To feel her hand in mine.

I am cursed with too much self-awareness at times. Too much self-reflection. Very little... surrendering... I think would be the correct word. Not enough... Not being content with... the present moment. Even as loneliness bears down hard on me.

Our conversations. I miss those. I miss those three hour conversations we used to have on the phone.

But... I don't know if we can have them again. I... know her too well now. I know...

I just know.

I know I can't be vulnerable around her. I can't because she does... often does not respect it when I am. There is little sympathy from her. Instead, I... approach her with my walls up. To salvage and incubate my sense of pride. To not... lay myself down at her feet so that I expect her to do the same.

And...

I...

Sighs.

I am thinking right now about the last time I saw her. Everything I was telling her was the honest truth of my soul. When I brought up her yelling at Ivy and dropping the f-bomb, I was... I felt betrayed by her response. She still tried to convince me that it was a joke and that I shouldn't be telling her how to raise her child.

That's not vulnerability. That's... cowardice.

And... to be fair...

I've been a coward, too.

I... suppose... I was put into this position. Masterfully and covertly. Without my noticing.

I gave too much of myself. Projected too much of what I wanted from a girlfriend onto her and was constantly disappointed by her actions.

When... all I... had to do was shut up.

And to act from the heart.

And though I don't regret what any of my concerns were about her, I do regret that I had to state them. I do regret that it... this is how it all turned out because none of my issues were being resolved. Nothing was... being done. On her end.

It felt like...

Felt like I was being used. Used... and...

...Unloved.

I have to be honest. I felt unloved by her. I... have had... You know... All she had to do was... to show me that she cares. To show me that I matter to her.

And... She didn't. It didn't matter what my concerns were. They were going unresolved after each of our fights.

For months at a time, the same things would come up. False promises. Expectations she created that she had no intention of fulfilling. She cannot be ...

Sighs.

I want to say that she should not be allowed to get away with what she did and then to claim ignorance in the end because I... felt like I... gave her fair enough warning. Told her enough times what my needs and wants are.

And it was her decision not to take any of them seriously.

And it was my decision, to reward her for unearned behavior.

And to put her... ahead of my own happiness.

Which... ironically... seems contingent on being in a loving relationship and having the possibility of a happy life together. With children. With a dog. With the acreage.

With trips. And smiles. And acts of kindness towards one another.

And... all the other things that love can provide.

Loyalty. Stability. Commitment. Trust.

Passion.

I felt... like we had the passion part down.

There is no denying how passionate we could be.

If we both felt ... the same...

If it was mutual. If we both wanted the same thing, we would....

Get it.

and....

I don't think she was willing to work with me to get what I wanted. Small things that I don't feel were very demanding or difficult.

This is a woman who asked me to urinate on her. Enjoyed being choked. And... when I bring up how I'd like to see her in lingerie more often, she complains about feeling objectified.

Or some other excuse.

Always... would rather fight than to... work towards harmony between us.

So that if I feel happy, then it would make me want to do more for her.

To give her more of what she wants.

Instead, as time went by and she ignored my demands, my... motivation to make her happy dwindled along with hers.

And... as I write this... I feel like I am struggling to understand something that is very obvious to me that is important to know.

But... I'm not quite sure what it is.

I am trying... I....

I am baring my soul right now. And this is... what is coming out.

Lots of ellipses... it seems... I am trying to find the right words and thoughts.. to catch and commemorate them.

I peeked at her Facebook today. Saw that... she isn't sad. She posted a video about us and how ...

...I think I mentioned that in another post. About how some lady on YouTube was saying that Twin Flames aren't meant to be together.

And... I suppose what bothers me is the comments she gets... She... has a lot of support from people. Telling her that she "deserves it all" when, if only they knew her as I do, that she hasn't worked very hard to be deserving of very much.

At least.. in terms of our relationship...

I hate writing this. I hate... feeling like... I need to condemn her and to prove myself "right" but... I think it is the injustice of it all that is getting to me. Her being praised for how much of a sweetheart she is on Facebook by people that hardly know her. People that... are rewarding her selfishness and ignorance.

And... it is empowering her.

In her video she said there is "nothing I can do" about repairing the damage in our relationship or for us to get back together.

And... that is false... that is not true. If she showed up at my door tonight with a sad face and... wrapped her arms around me, not letting go and genuinely asking for forgiveness or for us to try again...

I would... welcome her back. I would....

Because I believe in the value of sincere gestures. Of... genuine...

Sighs... Now I am thinking about how... she... once said.. she wished she could show her "commitment" to me more...

And... She has had so many opportunities to do so. That she didn't take advantage of.

She could have... done so much for us... If she... wasn't only thinking of herself.

I remember how she used to bake me scones. Or how she would send me sexy photos of herself over the phone.

And... in the past months... that hasn't happened. She's baked me scones twice. At the start of our dating and last year around my birthday.

That's it. And... she KNOWS how much I like it when she bakes me something or makes me food.

She KNOWS it, and she... rarely does it.

Twice a year doesn't cut it for me.

And... The way she would lay in bed with me... when I would want to wrap my arms around her and cuddle and smile and kiss... and she would... shift herself away.

Just... cutting herself off from me.

And...I would have these moments in bed with her, watching her sleep or hearing her snore and... tentatively putting my arm around her, only for her to push it off in her sleep. Or to... reject me.

And.... Whenever I get upset or sad about it when it happens, I would leave the bed. Angry and upset but trying not to let it affect me.

And then... she would text me or ask me to come back so we can cuddle.

|But... why wait until there is a problem?

Why? Why not just cuddle when I wanted to cuddle? Why wait for her to realize that, "oh, David wants to cuddle." Why wait for it to be obvious at the damage she causes by rejecting me multiple times before I've reached the limits of my patience?

Why wait for problems to present themselves?

Why...

Why?

...

Sighs.

Twin flames... I don't know, man. This... idea... is for the both of us to grow. We're supposed to be like oil and water, and though I think myself the voice of reason in our relationship, I cannot... for the life of me... get her to apply reason in the same way that I have been trying to.

Why wait for something to break before fixing it? Why not... maintain? Why not... keep things in good working order? Why not... give your car those regular oil changes and keep it clean and running well? Why wait for the car to start belching out black smoke and stop running before you decide to do something about it?

That's... our relationship. At first, everything was great because I didn't know any better. I thought I could believe her when she said "we should go on a trip soon" and "every year we should take a big trip somewhere" .. and like a sucker, I bought into her fantasies. It's almost been a year now of having to hear about the "trip" we're supposed to be taking soon. And she's already been on three of them on her own,

Why the fuck...

Why....

WHY.

I am thinking now that its because I don't... I'm not sure... maybe I don't, aren't... maybe I'm not respected by her. No... I absolutely am NOT respected by her.

And... why would I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me?

I suppose... to be fair, I have trouble respecting her as well.

When a woman wants... Oh, God... here comes the memories... of her joining the OTO, the Kabbalah, astrology... Reiki,, rituals... Shamanism... releasing/purging....

The hypocrisy of her is what I don't respect.

I cannot respect anyone who says one thing and does another. Who flitters around like a hummingbird going from one plant to the next and not... staying still enough to consider and appreciate the nectar she already had gathered.

There was so much wisdom I thought I was giving her. So much wisdom she was getting from other places and people, too.

And... it all feels so wasted. So unused.

I... still remember how she "realized" that I am the one to be chased and that she had to "earn" being chased by me. That was what she "learned" from our last breakup. That she had to earn the right to be chased by me.

And yet, with this last one, her email mentions it again.

"I wanted you to chase me"

With no mention of... what she "learned" from the last time,

I don't... I can't respect it. And especially her wanting to join the OTO. They drink semen. They... Fuck, man... bunch of pedophiles. A cult. And she was keeping it secret from me. Already filled out an application.

I rightfully blew up at all that. There was no way I was letting this woman be my future wife or mother of my children, She was fucking insane and impulsive and reckless.

And clueless. Absolutely clueless. "Did you research the OTO?" I asked. Yes she did, she said.

Sending her the links of what I know about Aleister Crowley and how... she is supposed to lay naked on an altar for losers to gawk at and then drink their semen after and... Crowley saying how little children should be exposed to disgusting sexual acts, which is part of the philosophy of "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" ... and she said she did "research" on it.

Yeah. Googled OTO and read the Wikipedia page. I'M IN!

Didn't care about the oath she was expected to swear upon.

Fuck man...

I am really...

Fuck.

I can't believe I put up with her for this long. So many... so many moments of her being absolutely idiotic. Poor decisions. Over and over and over and over.

And she won't accept responsibility for most of them. I mean, sure, it's okay for you to go over to some strange guys house that you don't really know, ON YOUR OWN AND WITHOUT TELLING ME and then come to me later that evening and fuck me with a smile on your face while tears are running down mine, because I asked you to be here 3 hours ago because I needed you. Instead, you tell me that you felt you were drugged at this guy's place. And...

Fuck  man...

How did I get... paired up with this monster?

This... clueless... absolutely selfish human being?

The problem is... I've seen glimmers of goodness in her. l know its there. I've tried to encourage more of that from her. I've tried to steer her in a more productive direction. Tried to explain things that she couldn't figure out. Tried to be useful and supportive and loving and generous and giving and...

It just wasn't enough for her.

She wouldn't... give back even half as much as I had been giving her.

I suppose... she just wants the magic of our relationship. Those incredible moments... but doesn't want to help make them happen. Doesn't want to motivate or encourage me to make it happen.

Can't count how many times I've been rejected when I needed her.

Micro-rejections. Too many to list. Everything from weak kisses. To turning down kisses. To weak hugs and weak displays of affection and...

Fuck... I deserve better. I've had better... I still remember my ex.

I still remember....

Fuck.

I didn't have to ask my ex to put on lingerie, I didn't have to ask for her to cook me anything,

She just did those things because she knew I liked them.

Didn't have to ask my ex for a foot massage or to have my back scratched or for a blowjob.

She just did it.

And... like an idiot, I wasn't happy with all that. I was still hurt from relationships I had before. I couldn't trust her and eventually, she stopped trying.

And I don't blame her. I wasn't vulnerable enough. Wasn't giving enough.

And... then I met Fola and...

Yeah... I think I gave her too much. Too much and got back too little.

"He who cares the least, has the most power in the relationship."

And... I was giving my power away by starting to care.

Which is NOT what I think a loving relationship should be.

But, maybe, this is part of the lesson for me to learn. To... not be so vulnerable. But vulnerable enough...?

I don't get it man... I just want to be myself. To be ME. Not...

Not... punished for... the way I express myself. The way I am wanting to be treated.

The things I dream of...

I don't need someone who isn't helping me to realize my dreams.

And yet, she wants me to help realize hers.

Well...

It doesn't work that way Fola.

You show up at my house. You are showing that you are making an effort.

I don't care if it's "stalking" or breaking "personal boundaries" to you.

That's effort, and I will appreciate it. You don't get to wash your hands off because some YouTube lady said twins aren't meant to be together. You used to think otherwise. Now you're just giving up on the prize that could be before us.

And... just doing that won't be enough either.

Not if you expect us to move forward.

From that point on... we BOTH have to keep each other in our thoughts. Keep each other's happiness in mind. And NOT forget that sometimes we have to do things that are troublesome and inconvenient so that later, when we need or want something, we will get it without complaint.

We will operate under the assumption that we are both looking out for each other's needs, wants and dreams.

So, there will be no imbalance.

....

I'm about done writing all this... I... feel a little better for having done so.

I... really don't like how people are complimenting her on Facebook. Those people weren't around when Fola did what she did with me. They didn't see her "channeling" around me. They don't... see how her minds changes on a weekly basis. How... she... doesn't care about animals and how she...

how she really is struggling to be a compassionate and empathetic individual, when she really is not.

She's not.

She is really not. On the surface she appears to be.

But she's not. And that's fine.

Because I love her and I...

Sighs.

I love her.

Guess that's all there is to it.

I love her and I hope that love can change her to become who she wants most to be.

But...

There's always a but...

But... I want to become who I most want to be.

And I would like to have a partner.

Not an adversary.

To help me make it happen.

And...

I am not convinced that she is the right woman for the job.

Or perhaps she is.

But she has yet to prove it.

Maybe someday she will.

It's up to her now.

Not me.

My patience...

I am patient.

But....

Anyways... I'm done writing.

Glad to get this all out of my system.

Good night blog.

Tomorrow is a new day.