One week.
It's been one full week since I last spoke to or saw Fola.
Been about three days since she emailed me. Maybe two, my sense of time can be a little off.
I.. well, I feel those feelings again today. Didn't feel anything in the past while, but today they're coming on strong.
Warmth in my chest again. Got this... feeling in my head as well, not quite sure how to describe it. Almost feels like the onset of a maniac episode, but I feel restrained enough to be able to contain it.
And experienced. I've been down these roads before. In more difficult situations than this.
Well blog...
Well, well well.
Feels weird. That's for sure. Not having her around. Not talking to her. Not having sex with her or...
...Seeing her daughter. Her sister...
Yeah... it's not fun.
But there's nothing I can do about it right now than to stand my ground.
I don't think I discussed the details of Monday when she came by. Maybe I should.
What I remember is that she showed up without warning. I was at Elk Island for most of the day, and didn't get home until around 8pm. She showed up shortly after as I was doing the dishes.
Said she was there earlier at around 4pm. I remember her calling me twice while I was at the park and I ignored her calls.
I also remember going there wanting to see a Bison and didn't see one until I left. Which... strange to say it now, was something of a fun coincidence to see. Two of them were wandering on the road near the entrance, which I remember thinking was unlikely for them to be loitering around.
But, they were there. I threw Oreos at them. Think one of them gave me a dirty look as he moved his way along on the left-hand side of the road as I was driving out.
I remember thinking that this felt like a sign. I had asked... to see a Bison and they appeared in an unlikely area.
I remember thanking God for making this happen. And I remember feeling strength within me, knowing that I am watched and listened and that I need only to stand by my convictions and to have faith in however everything plays out.
That line of credit is now coming to mind as well. I jumped on TRUL today.. already up almost a grand in profit. Hoping it'll run some more.
Anyways... So, she arrived shortly after I came home from the park and I was in the middle of doing dishes.
She showed up wearing that dress I like. And her eyes were beaming despite my having ignored her for the previous few days.
"Why are you here?" I asked.
She replied saying, "I want to connect with you."
I remember... the days earlier when she did NOT want to connect with me. I remembered the nights when she did not want to cuddle with me. Or the times when I touch her and I get no response.
And so, I... reminded her of all that. Spent the next hour or so telling her exactly how I felt about every little thing in our relationship and about what she is doing.
I told her how I didn't agree with how over the moon she was with astrology, the Kabbalah, psychic powers and secret societies and wanting to heal people with... well, magic, I guess.
I told her how...
Well, it doesn't really matter. I told her everything. As she sat in silence for the most part across from me at the dining table, I remember thinking that I was glad to be able to freely speak the truth of how I felt. That I have little to apologize for.
Other than to allow... allow her to get her way more times than she deserved to.
Not sticking up for myself enough. Being too agreeable. Too...
...Weak.
Aimless, too. I suppose. No real goals in mind right now than to be making money on the stock market and when she brought that up, I explained why that is. I am unemployed, the job market does not look good for my trade and I have debt that needs to be taken care of.
I also would like financial security in my life. Rather than taking her approach by staring into a mirror and repeating affirmations to be getting unexpected income, I am actually doing something about it. I am working whenever I scour Reddit for stocks and news and whatnot.
...
So... apart from a few moments. Such as when she said "you'll never be happy" in telling me that I won't ever find the type of love that I am hoping for because it doesn't exist; I remember... feeling indifferent to that. The happiness that I seek could be complemented by her, but... her complacency doesn't inspire me enough to believe it is possible. Yet, she feels certain that she is the only girl for me. And... then she spent most of the rest of the evening in silence. Listening to me unload everything that was on my chest. Didn't offer much in the way of feedback or agreement or even argument for the most part.
Well... Actually, I brought up the point of... How she dropped the f-bomb around Ivy the week previous and she... unbelievably tried to argue it away as a joke and that it's her daughter and that I shouldn't question her parenting.
This is from the woman who got upset with me for making a "that's what she said" joke around her daughter for the benefit of Fola and her sister. I thought it was funny, and I knew that Ivy wouldn't understand the subtleties of that type of humor. Nothing offensive was said. And yet... Fola can drop the f-bomb and try to tell me that I shouldn't be questioning her parenting.
Anyways... So... Once I was done, the silence between us grew. She... was just sitting there. Looking into my eyes as I was with her.
Not reaching for me.. not saying sorry. Not... really... doing anything.
I reached for her hand. Held it a bit... and then pulled away.
It was a strange... kind of empowerment about myself that night. I didn't... bow to her. Didn't... make her the center of my attention.
Stood my ground and spoke my truth.
With as straight a spine as I could muster.
And so... After a while of sitting across from one another looking into our eyes, I suggested we listen to music. Put on Max Ritcher and we sat on the couch. Cuddling.
And during all this, I kept thinking... where is this going to go from here? I... felt so distant from her. She didn't acknowledge my prior complaints or address them. Didn't apologize or offer solutions.
So... my... heart wasn't with her. And yet we were cuddling.
And... this is where faith kind of comes in. I just did what I felt I most wanted to do.
Most needed to do.
And... it ended up with us kissing.
Then, she suggested we go upstairs.
During all this... I... wasn't really in the mood. Kind of and kind of wasn't. Felt that the issues I raised weren't going to be solved by us having sex. Felt that... if I go through with it, it'll mean we'd be back "together" and all our problems will be temporarily erased/forgiven.
I didn't want to absolve her of responsibility for her actions by validating it with sex.
And, so... this is the mindset I carried with me into the bedroom.
I didn't give it much effort. I'll be honest. It didn't take me long to orgasm and.. when I did, I felt... like I was done. It was late, I was tired and I honestly.. didn't give a shit if I didn't make her come or not. I mean, while I was doing it I did, but I didn't want to put in more effort than...
...than effort that she has given me, in the past while. Which is, not much.
I'm mindful of the way she left things off with us. Distant and focused on her laptop and... then tried to pin it on me at the end. That her being distant was my responsibility to deal with. That I had to take her out for dinner in order for her to feel... excited enough to have sex.
I didn't want to... brush that all aside and put in the effort.
And, so... when she got all stiff and closed off and I asked what was wrong...
"That's it?!" she said. Referring to the sex.
"Yes. That's it. I'm tired. Thought maybe you came already."
"No, I didn't."
... I was honest. I was tired. And... I've given her so much over these past few weeks and she has given me so little, that I felt insulted that she would demand more from me.
More that I wasn't willing to give.
I thought... after all I had said earlier, about feeling neglected and pushed away and taken for granted and unappreciated... I thought all that would have left an impact. Maybe she would understand not to take so much from me.
And that she would give, instead. To make up for this void she helped create.
But she didn't. And...
Ugh.. what an ugly mess it resulted in. Being truthful with her was... not fun. And when she wouldn't believe what I was telling her, she started making up a narrative. A story that painted me as an asshole that just wanted to "use" her for sex.
I... parroted her nonsense. Realized that the truth wasn't what she respected or was willing to hear. Instead, I nodded and sarcastically said that yes I used her. Hoping she would see how ridiculous her accusations were.
But, she didn't see them as ridiculous. Instead, she swatted at me and I hit her back. Nothing serious, but it was enough to convey the disrespect we both felt for each other.
She got up to leave and...
Yeah... I had my jacket on, ready to head to the convenience store. Didn't feel tired any more after this incident. Was out of cigarettes and badly needed a pack. Too much fucking stress with this girl.
Too much fucking stress.
And, so... that was the l... well, after I left 7-11 at about 1:30 in the morning, I planned on hanging out at a nearby parking lot. Drove there and saw her car. Drove back out and...
Found a different spot to park in and gather my thoughts.
So.. that was... the last time I saw her.
...
She had a pimple on her forehead.
I stood my ground.
She... fell back into her ego. Demanded things from me.
Expressed disappointment that I wouldn't give her what she was expecting.
And... still ignorant of how much she... has used me, in the past.
Used me and gave little back in return.
No lingerie, no scones.
No big trip being planned for us. Like she said she would.
Have to fight to... have sex... to cuddle.. to be respected and appreciated and loved.
Not going to fight anymore.
Seven days...
Seven days.
Not sure where... I'll be going from here.
But I do know one thing.
I deserve better.
I've given her so much and I deserve better.
I say that with confidence and with faith.
And with hope.
I'm going to miss her daughter. Our conversations. Our potential.
Our potential.
If only... she would take us more seriously. Realize that the world doesn't revolve around her. Develop more self-awareness about herself.
Realize the effects her actions and the lack-of has on the relationships around her.
...
This time apart is... good, I suppose. Not good in the way it is making me and her feel, but good.
Good to test ourselves this way.
We could've been amazing together. We were amazing. We had our amazing moments.
But she doesn't realize that I am not going to provide her with everything she wants while she sits back and does whatever she feels.
And... doesn't take my happiness into consideration,
Doesn't realize that I have to be happy in order to want to please her.
And... I am not in the business of giving... without at least being appreciated for it.
No appreciation. No reason for me to continue.
And the words that come out of her mouth, that sometimes appear to be appreciation; is not backed up by her actions.
Her actions speak louder than her tongue does.
And... I know...
She...
...
It doesn't matter.
I'm still here.
I feel lost, but I am still here.
I am listened towards. Watched over.
I shouldn't fear the future.
I am still... a believer.
I still dream.
I still have faith. In plans that are greater and grander than my mortal brain can comprehend the workings of.
For the first time since Lauren... I now know what it feels to be on the opposite side of the fence.
And...
I hope I'm doing this better than what Lauren has done to me.
I don't want to hurt Fola... but... she seems to desire it. There's a reason why she openly said that she wants me to abuse her. Even if she cannot consciously explain it.
Her selfishness has to stop.
And perhaps...
I am helping.
Anyways...
Time will reveal all things...
Even if I cannot perceive them now.
I have stood my ground and spoke my truth.
For that, I will accept punishment and reward alike.
I will not betray myself any further.
So help me God.
