Manipulation

Hello blog. Not sure why I titled this post the way I did.

Sighs.

Yeah.

Yup.

...

So... a few things have happened. I...

Hmm.

Yesterday... I had Janis from Facebook message me. She is a member of a Twin Flames community group on there that Fola belongs to and sometimes talks to her on the phone. She gives Fola support whenever things are rough between us.

And... So... A few days ago, I messaged her asking if she wanted to hear my side of the story. Shared my last blog post with her.

She's a sweetheart.

She really was pushing us to be together in spite of what I said.

Said that I would never find anyone like Fola again... And... I agree with that.

Haven't found anyone like Georgina again, either.

Not yet, anyways.

So... I'm compelled to write a post today. Silly of me to say it, but I woke up this morning at 4:44am and felt... this connection or energy happening.

I don't know what it was. But I suspect Fola is linked to it.

And what prompted me further to come to this blog and post, is that a few minutes ago I felt a surge of it again. This....

...Well... I was thinking about her going to that burlesque show on Sunday. And imagining that... there's some other guy involved. Or will be involved. And... I can't say... that I completely feel jealous and alone and worried... I shouldn't say that... I... I said my piece about why... she's not...

The one.

I... hate this about myself. Buying into the idea of a "one" out there... but...

There is a one. There might be a two, even.

I don't know.

But after what Fola and I have been through and experienced, I am inclined to believe that there are forces at work behind the scenes.

I believe there is such a thing as a soul connection. And that...

... I don't believe I have seen the last of her yet.

And... I'm sitting here.. feeling this warmth in my heart. Like it was around the time I first met her.

I don't know what that means... Other than a correlation.

Perhaps something or someone good is coming.

I don't know.

But, I will be completely honest and say that I do miss her.

Each time I pass by my front door, or even now as I sit and type facing the door; I glance at the glass hoping to see her silhouette.

I can't... bring myself to... make the first move. Can't.

I wouldn't respect myself if I did.

Because... as my last post shows... I... have be...

I am....

Deeply unsure of her.

Deeply....

And....

I just can't see how we would work out. That's not to say it is impossible to happen, but...

Man.. intense feelings right now... like, a real pull. I'm really glancing at the front door....

Something is coming.

So... told Janis yesterday about everything and mentioned how...

Well, it really doesn't matter. I... just sent her that blog post and... told her that I couldn't be with Fola. Janis suggested |I write down all the things I like about her and... I thought that was the wrong approach.

I don't want to... dwell upon all the good that we've shared.

The passion and excitement and connection.

But... okay, Janis. I will humor you on this.

I.. like it when Fola is unabashedly a girl... Whenever she decides to dance in front of me, even doing that awkward robot arm motion, I... it makes me smile.

And... A favourite moment of mine was when she wore lingerie.. like... fishnet stockings and all.. even though it was... just one time I think... last year... and, she had the high heels on and...

That was... big of her to do that. She looked... was, embarassed and awkward despite my obviously enjoying seeing her like that. And... kind of ruined the mood when she mentally switched gears from seductress to... Eh... it doesn't matter. That brief moment meant a lot to me.

I... honestly... this isn't as easy as I hoped it would be to write down everything I like about her. I wish I didn't have to admit it. It almost feels like I'm swimming against a current.

I... miss... sighs... I'm thinking of the sexual stuff, now. The way she gave me head on the way back home from Slave Lake...

Oh. Now that reminds me.

I miss that day at the lake. When she and I would sit on a log for hours and stare off into the waves. Not speaking. Just being.

I miss... touching her....

Her shoulders.

Her... legs...

Her ass... as vulgar as it sounds...

I miss feeling her from the inside...

Sighs... sexual stuff again... Lots of good memories there I admit.

I miss her smile... I miss..... her dancing... I miss her spirit.

Her spirit.

That stubborn warrior spirit of hers... like, this tornado without a mind of its own. Impressive in its fury, but somewhat directionless. Whenever she allows me to steer her, we... we are pretty good together.

I love how she surrendered to me a few times.. Just losing herself in my guidance. And, my pleasing her for doing so... surprising her...

When she is able to drop her guard and...

Hmm...

I'm understanding something now.

I... was punishing her for not doing just that...

There were times when she wouldn't budge...

Okay... I'm defeating the point of this challenge... to think of the things that I like about her.

It's... mostly sex. And her spirit.

And.. how she likes the same songs I do.

And... her appreciation... when she chooses to appreciate... the moments alone we spend together.

Where we can sit and stare into each other's eyes.. getting lost in them.

I'm feeling like an idiot typing all this... I want to say that she is loyal and trustworthy and kind and generous... but...

Fuck.

Sex and her spirit.

And... her body...

Her... our connection together. I... love that. When we are in alignment.. we are basically one and the same.

I...

She complements me.

I don't mean to sound immodest, but the things that I have, are the things she lacks.

And what she has, I am having trouble with.

She has... drive. Motivation.

Strength.

Tenacity.

A willingness to experiment and explore.

She pursues new things without fear. With bravery.

Even when she feels afraid.

Even when it costs her something or hurts someone.

...

I am really having a difficult time writing down the good things.

I am.

But, I still miss her.

Would still like to have her in my life.

And...

I like... I was going to say that I like that she cooks but that sounds weak.

Yeah... Well...

Perhaps I am weak as well. In the ways that she is not.

We came together for a reason. We... experienced a lot of great moments together...

I don't know if this is... the end of them.

But... Honestly... despite what I say about her... despite the hassle and the annoyances and the frustration and anger that she manages to cause me...

I still... want her in my life.

But... again... there's that jealous feeling...

I don't want her as a friend. I don't want to see her on the arm of another guy and ... for us to... continue our...

acquaintance...

Fuck...

She is more than that to me.

But... I...

I can't do anything about all this.

I can't.

Nothing I can think of anyways...

I can't go back to her. I won't risk being rejected. I don't want to be taken for granted again or for her to have an easy way out of the pain she's caused me... even though she is barely aware of it.

I am sure she is aware. Now that we've had some time apart.

I hope so. I hope she... learns... and remembers...

And..

Just....

Grows... somehow....

She's n... no longer polyamorous...

God... at least I hope I helped her achieve that much. Just... a little fearful on my end for her to slip back to the way she was and...

Be right back to where she started.

She was sleeping with five people when I met her. Her husband, Jess and Jeff... Rob... and Ryan.

Five.

And I came into all this with strong feelings about monogamy.

Because that is all I will accept from my partner. We can consider threesomes if there is another woman involved, but I refuse to have my lady be touched by another guy.

I am her guy.

And...

I wish she would know this.

I wish she would... express that to me more.

Not... argue... about it whenever I bring up this subject of how neglected I feel. Not try and convince me that she "loves" me when her actions don't seem to line up with her words. Not when... she...

Sighs.

Fuck.

I am really... almost laughing at myself. I can see myself about to break the wall that is keeping me from bringing up all the bad that I know about her.

I don't want to condemn her.

She has come a long ways.

I re-read the last email she sent me. October 4th, I think it was...

8 days ago.

At the end... she says she loves me. Promises she will make more of an effort.

Says... we are eternally binded together.

And... I was thinking after this... is... she really making that effort?

Is... this what her effort looks like?

Bringing up this YouTube lady who said that Twin Flames aren't meant to be together and then filming her own video about how that makes sense to her? Or... that article she posted about letting go of old patterns, beliefs and... relationships? Does that sound like she is making effort?

But... I can't deny that I ... I am feeling things right now.

Right in my chest. And through my fingers.

And... I felt some of this yesterday, too.

Part of me wants to send this post to Janis... and... I'm thinking... what is motivating me to do that?

I think... I want her... to understand me more.

And... because I expect her to talk to Fola again at some point... I... want her to have this information.

So she can help her.

Somehow.

I did not ask for much from our relationship... but I think I know where I went wrong.

It doesn't have words, but I can try and describe some of the theme.

She wants someone stronger than her.

Someone... that inspires her. Who can dominate her in a gentle, fatherly way.

That's what she wants, and that is what I was when we first met.

Despite what she once asked me about us being "equals", I know that is not what she really wants.

She wants a man that is constantly growing and moving to becoming the greatest version of himself.

And she wants to tag along for the ride.

I get that... but, what I don't get...

Actually... I do...

But... she has to figure this part out for herself. She and I are happiest when we surrender to each other.

When I call the shots.

When I take her by the hand and lead her upstairs... she has to submit to my judgement. For better or worse.

Not... Play games... not.. argue... just... surrender...

Because... since she is my opposite...

I have intuition and abilities that she does not.

But... she can benefit from. And learn from.. and, eventually acquire...

This makes perfect sense now that I am thinking about it.

We aren't equals.

But we are equally wanting.

And... I am proud of who I am and what I can achieve when I really try.

I have surprised myself and friends and family with some of what I've done.

I surprise myself...

Fola once said to me on the couch that she could tell that I was "powerful" ... and I wasn't sure what to make of that. But...

She's right.

I am.

And... I need to be respected for that.

But, that is something I need to earn. Which...

This makes too much sense.

I need to earn her respect.

To earn her trust.

To earn the right for her to surrender to me,

I get it now.

But, this doesn't mean that I am obligated to do anything about all this.

This is the interesting part that I have discovered.

Although we are both wanting... we aren't both willing.

And... both of us have to be willing.

Which means...

She gets what she wants.. but I have to get what I want as well.

We both have to work at giving it. I have to... think... exactly... what she wants...

This is going to be a good thing for me to ponder as I go about my chores once I am done writing.

I have a sense that I know what she wants. I will try and nail it down. Even if I never see her again, I will have a better understanding of who she is and what she needs.

Not what she says she wants.. but what she NEEDS.

Because... I am the one fortunate to be blessed with powers of observation and an intelligence that she does not have.

And... I want certain things from her.. which also may not necessarily be what I need.

But, I want them just the same.

I think this is making sense... In case I send this to Janis, I should add that this is how I do some of my deepest thinking. Just... throwing words on a screen and seeing what comes out after.

Not the best written or most entertaining post, but, definitely a productive one.

Fola wants me to dominate her. That makes sense... she wants a father figure... that makes sense, too.

She wants to experience another level of consciousness. I have given her that, plenty of times.

She wants to expand and heighten her ability to love. She can have that as well, provided she is willing to work at it, because that is what I would like to see from her.

As I keep writing... I am having these thoughts enter my head. Like, exhibit #1 and exhibit #2 as "evidence" that backs up everything I'm saying.

Fola, after all, did say that she wants me to abuse her. Something that I felt was weird to say, but she did say it. Did enjoy being choked. Did want to be pissed upon.

That's not my thing, but I did it anyways.

And that's a revealing piece of the puzzle....

She's... got issues... deep ones... issues of entitlement and insecurity.

I know that people have the wrong opinion about her. She knows this too, and often expresses her surprise at how mistaken some people are about what they say of her and the image she presents.

So... She feels undeserving of praise. Of being loved. But wants to feel those things.

But, hasn't really earned them.

I suppose... this is her opportunity to prove herself.

Maybe this is why I am standing my ground allowing for it to happen by not getting in touch with her.

The reward isn't as sweet when it is given freely and without effort.

She has to work for what she wants. And she has to feel that she earned it.

So...

If she wants me back. She has to earn it.

And,,, this is the tricky part....

I have to guess at how hard she is willing to try. In order to be with me.

Will she, or won't she surprise me?

Will she show up at my door with lingerie beneath a coat and... embrace me without words and lead me upstairs? Because that would work.

Will she write me a long, hand-written letter and leave it at my door with a small gift of some kind?

That would work, too.

Will she sent me a text... out of the blue... saying that she loves me, with nothing else being said? Will she send that text again, even if I ignore it the first time?

That would work too.

That would be earning her reward.

That would make me believe in her.

Will she plan out a trip for us? And... show up at my door with tickets already paid for and arrangement made?

That would be incredible. And I would...

Fuck, man... I would love her till the end of time for doing something grand like that.

...pfbt... kind of already love her till the end of time. I know my ego is bruised and I know that when my soul departs this body it will reunite with her at some point. At that moment, it won't matter that she didn't keep her promises and that she changed her mind more times than I change my underwear.

Because at that moment... I will see her without ego. And she will see me without mine.

And...

We will shine.

But...

For now...

These games are to continue.

I will not make the next move.

I will not make effort to "win" her back when it is her duty to be chasing me.

And to surrender herself to the man that she loves and always will love.

Without complaint.

And with faith.

This is her journey to make.

And I will be waiting.

She is looking for magic.

And I have it in spades.

Manifested rims for myself yesterday. Some guy came up to me in the park and asked if I wanted them.

Now, I have new rims on my vehicle. Something I thought about getting last week.

A card fell out of this one book I picked up from the thrift shop yesterday. Jesus and the Buddha.

On it was marked, "patience"

And so...

I shall be practicing that.

Really not sure if I should send this to Janis...

Something...

Hmm. Paying attention to my intuition here...

I think something is missing in this post.

Not sure what...

I don't think I need to explain anything more than I already did.

Hmm.

I think I sound completely crazy writing all this. Wonder what sort of reaction this would get.

And what would she do... knowing all of this?

I'm somewhat of a complicated man. But I try my hardest to keep my needs simple.

I want a partner who is playful, loving, thoughtful and devoted.

Fola can be these things if she really tries.

But,,

I haven't had enough proof from her. And... She doesn't think she has to provide me with any of it. We've had conversations about this. Had she decided not to go to Boston like I asked her, I would know that she made a sacrifice for me. That she proved her devotion, But, she went on that trip anyways. Making excuses and choosing a transitory experience that she will forget about in less than a year, instead of choosing to be with me.

That memory is still stuck.

And she has to do something to make up for it.

We've been together for almost two years...

And it still feels like we don't really know what each of us wants. Or how we should behave.

I'm not as smart as she may think I am, but I certainly do have suggestions for her. For us.

I remember the one time she suggested I treat her like a Goddess and in exchange, I would be treated like a God. I remember the role playing we did that night. Treating each other like we were divine beings and that the only thing in the world that mattered, was the pleasure we were giving to the other.

I think that would be a good place for her to start. To remember what we can accomplish.

When we remember to treat each other as the God and Goddess that we each are and to never lose sight of it. Never take each other for granted. No matter what we may be tempted by or what obstacles we face.

Thank you Janis.

I hope this...

Does something.

You are appreciated more than you know.