Yes, again I am here and yes again, Fola...
It's Fola related.
Day two of our "break" I suppose you can call it. Though I didn't ask for one.
She suggested it, and I guess that's the way it's going to be. Ignored two of her phone calls so far. No texts from her or surprise visits, so that's good.
Where to begin.
Hm. Dinner at her house. She made lamb stew last week. Delicious, and I expressed my appreciation for it. My mom makes beef stew and this was almost as good if not better in some ways than hers.
However, my mom makes it with peas and onions. Thought I'd suggest to Fola that peas would really improve on an already amazing recipe.
She gets pissed off. "I don't need to hear your criticism! Just enjoy it and be quiet!"
I got defensive. Told her it was only a suggestion. Reminded her that I thought it was well-made.
Everything gets awkward. Her daughter Ivy is sitting between us, picking at her bowl. Her sister Sade is on my left and then Fola made a remark about how Sade yelled at her earlier.
Sade got defensive, and turned to me. Attempting to explain the situation,
"She was going to use a rissotto in the recipe!"
I didn't know what it meant, because who cares what kind of red wine is being used. Told her just that.
"It's a sparkling wine..."
"Oh. I see.. Yeah, I wouldn't be putting that in..."
Fola loses her shit. Stands up at the table, pounds it down with a hand and says, "if you two don't like it, you can get the fuck out!"
Or something along those lines.
I couldn't believe her outburst. I can kind of see where it would come from, but dropping the f-bomb in front of her daughter? Throwing a tantrum in front of her? Being THAT upset over such minor gripes? Or that sensitive?
I looked her square in the eyes as she realized the severity of her outburst and began to laugh it off as a joke.
"That's not funny Fola. Your daughter is right here."
Honestly, if that was my kid next to me, I would've reamed her out.
But, I didn't. I sat there glaring at her while she cradled her head in her hands. Smiling. Which didn't make any sense to me.
The energy between us intensified. And then...
Ivy places both her hands on top of our arms and said, "no! stop it!"
I...
God, man.
That little girl.
Love her. Wish that was my kid.
And I wish she didn't have to see the way her mom behaved.
The way she embarrassed herself. The... example.. the role model she is supposed to be.
A woman of maturity. And compassion. And love and understanding and wisdom and patience.
Fola demonstrated she is none of those things.
Impulsive. Self-serving. Oblivious and lacking in empathy.
Hungry for power in the form of crystal bed healings. Witchcraft. The Kabbalah. And the list goes on.
Always looking for the next big thrill. Easily bored after a while of having it. Gets complacent. Loses perspective. Does not ever try to work on herself in a serious and disciplined manner. Prefers easy outs like the law of attraction and "attunement" videos she watches on YouTube.
So.. that was last week. Other things have happened since.
Now to write about two days ago.
She shows up unexpectedly at my house at around 10am. She did text she was going to come, but I didn't see it. Was busy doing other things.
Came in wearing lipstick. Looked nice. Gave me a peck on the cheeks.
Interrupted my game of Battlefront, so I welcomed her in and sat down to finish it off.
She then goes right to her laptop and begins banging away at it. Doing random things, like working on her website, emails, etc. Immediately productive. Made me feel like I didn't exist as I watched her all absorbed.
Wish she would've sat down next to me on the couch as I finished the game. Would've liked some conversation beyond exchanging pleasantries.
Whatever. I finished off my game and sat at the dining table next to her.
Asked her how breakfast was. She described this delicious sounding meal.
And... these... thoughts kept coming to me. I realized she showed up without coffee or tea or breakfast or offering to make me any.
Again, whatever.
She then makes herself tea.
Continues being productive.
I helped her with her website and gave her suggestions.
She...
Okay.. this is sounding stupid. But keep in mind, that a lot of little things she was doing kept adding up to my feeling more and more distant from her.
It was all about her. I realized.
I began ignoring her. Went on my phone to check the markets and to keep up with news on Reddit.
There was no closeness between us. She ignored the touch I gave her as I went to the bathroom.
I began thinking.. so she just shows up and ignores me.
Why even come over? She could've just gone to Starbucks and done what she was doing.
Hours go by like this. We head out for lunch because she was hungry. I didn't feel all that interested because I made my own breakfast while she pecked away at the keyboard. Leaving her used cup on the table, which she has done the last couple times she was here. Watched me fill the sink with water to do dishes. Didn't offer to help but asked me to help her the other night when I was over.
There was a moment in the car when I was checking my phone as it was 20 minutes away from market close and I wanted to see where my investments would end up.
"Stop looking at your phone" she says.
Again.. little things... I was reminded of how she spent most of the afternoon ignoring me and focused on her "work". I didn't once tell her to stop doing what she was doing, and I had already told her before how important the market was to me. I have 55 thousand dollars in there. 36 of it from a line of credit. There was a lot on the line and she knows how important financial security is to me and how uncertain I am about finding work in the near future.
Just another little thorn when she said that.
Later...
Man.. so many stupid little things that it bothers me to write them down.
We had a fight about the podcast. Again... it bothers me to write the details out because of how banal they seem. Basically, she impulsively records our conversations and wants to post them online without my input. Today she did the same. Just threw it up on YouTube without asking or confiding in me.
I didn't like the cover image she used. And I also felt that it would be simply courtesy and respect to tell me she was posting it and for her to check in with me on that.
Not just do whatever the hell she wants.
Then, she compares me to her husband Larry. Saying how different she is with me compared to with him. I told her I didn't appreciate the comparison and that I do not openly compare her with any of my exes. This isn't the first time I've been compared to Larry. I've been compared to her dad, as well.
Little things... Little thorns... aggravations.
And so much contradiction with her. I remember us having an argument where she expected me to read her mind. Literally. Like, whatever it was she was unhappy about, I had to know magically already know why and work to correct it. Today, she ended up telling me that she couldn't read my mind. Basically expecting me to, but it's okay if she doesn't do the same because she is too lazy or unable to utilize any empathy.
Little things. Like...
Ugh.
So much irrationality.
Her sister Sade said to Ivy after her outburst at the dinner table, that "mommy is going crazy".
I am believing that has already happened. And I am empowering this nonsense of hers by letting it all slide and humoring her being spiritually inquisitive.
A few days ago she refused to have sex because she said she felt "disgusted".
Rejected me a few times already for wanting to have sex. I lay in bed being unsure of whether I should touch her or not. She complains if I do and if I don't and how I do it. Nothing has really changed fundamentally from how it once was with us. Or what approach I take.
I ... I just had enough. Thorns... little things. All adding up to this.
She came to the couch as I sat down, before she had to leave at around 330.
I felt so distant and apart from her that I think she sensed it, and came in close to cuddle.
But it felt so...
Lifeless.
As if it was a chore. A favor from her.
At that moment, I didn't care anymore. I couldn't respect this woman. I know she doesn't really love me.
She only loves the way I make her feel.
When I try.
I...
Then the conversation turns to her asking me about the relationship. I said I didn't know what she was getting at.
"I think it's getting stagnant" she says.
I... felt like this anger welled up inside of me. How clueless of her. Of course it's stagnant because she hasn't done anything lately to make me excited or appreciative of her. She has done nothing to add value to my life. She rejects me in small subconscious ways that I am compelled to stop trying.
In the past couple of weeks, I helped her clean her house. Helped her with her website, her email, been supportive of her efforts in starting up this spiritual emergence group. Gave her a massage when she asked for it. Came over whenever she invited me. Even when I didn't want to come over.
A few days ago she had her friend Melody come by for supper. Wouldn't invite me, so I invited myself. Her rationale was that she had to ask Melody first if it was okay for her "partner" to come along.
"partner" ... I've always disliked that term and Fola knows it. For a while she was referring to me as her boyfriend, but it looks like I'm back to being a "partner". Didn't introduce me as anything other than "David" when Melody showed up.
And apparently the usual dinner we have on Wednesdays wasn't...
Fuck, man. I'm tired of writing about all this.
Feels like such a stupid game is being played. It has progressed into an art form.
She hasn't made me scones in months. Hasn't baked me anything. And that lingerie she kept promising she's looking into, months ago, still hasn't arrived.
I realize how banal this sounds. This is not reason enough for me to get angry.
But I can't quite capture this relationship in words, now. I can't possibly do it justice to communicate all the little things Fola has done to undermine the intensity of our bond.
And the way she would defer responsibility.
"We should be focused on working on ourselves!" she would claim, again, even though I am convinced that our relationship needs to be taken seriously in order for it to have that magic and excitement it once had. Look... if she is jumping out of bed in the mornings and not wanting to cuddle with me because she feels its "wasting time" when previously we used to enjoy spending hours in there listening to music and bonding; then I think she is completely sabotaging the connection we once had.
All because she thinks she knows better.
...
And then she wants to cuddle when I openly reject her. When I leave the bed and tend to other things. That's the time she wants to cuddle and get physical. When I am not giving her any attention.
I really am not communicating this very well. I can't quite capture how she makes me feel. Like I have to beg for attention now.. where once it was freely given.
Basically, if I am not happy then everything goes to shit because I feel that it is me who is largely responsible for the quality of our relationship. As immodest as it sounds.
And I have noticed that lately I've contributed so much more to the relationship than she has. I've helped her in several small ways.
Here's another barb. She was working late a few nights on the weekend. I would leave the outside lights on for her when she arrives after midnight as I lay in bed. Making sure the front door is unlocked for her as well.
She doesn't notice or appreciate the gesture. How do I know this? Because in the morning she reminds me that "you left your lights on" as she leaves.
That's... the thorn, again. This lack of self-awareness about her. These little things DO mean a lot in the grand scheme of things and she is oblivious as to their importance.
And it is all these small things that I've done, that has contributed to the excitement we've had in our relationship. Getting her a small gift. Helping her with her work. Picking up a Kinect for her sister. Giving her my undivided attention. Giving her support when she needs it.
And.. so... on the couch we had that conversation about us being "stagnant" and then she says she has to go. Nothing was resolved. At the door I leaned in for a kiss and she turns away.
We discussed a short few minutes ago about her "rejecting" me in various ways.
I called her out on this. Glad to have spotted this gesture and brought it immediately to her attention so we can discuss exactly what I was trying to convey earlier.
She then.. decides not to take responsibility. Made excuses. Tried to say that I should take her out more and make her feel special.
Which never mattered before in our relationship. We were happy to lay around and listen to music without going out. We had some amazing moments like this. Staring into each others eyes and being affectionate and talking about life and spirituality and the future with wide bright eyes and hope and innocence.
No more,
According to her, those moments are a waste of time now.
According to her, we should be focused on working on ourselves.
Which is what today looked like. With her on the laptop and me on the phone. Ignoring each other and growing increasingly distant.
I am continuing not doing a very good job explaining any of this. She leaves and tells me to "think about it" in reference to my having to put in extra effort to please her in order for her to be in the mood to have sex.
That didn't sit well with me.
Few hours later she texts me suggesting that if I need a break, then I could have one. Just not let it be too long, she suggests.
I... exploded. Told her in the nicest possible terms that I...
It doesn't matter. Feel like such a chump typing it out.
This girl is playing around. From day one.
She has no integrity. No honour.
No compassion. No empathy.
Is a terrible role model for her daughter.
Can never truly understand the pains of others because she hasn't experienced pain herself. Had everything given to her on a silver platter. Makes tons of money at her job and doesn't appreciate it enough to work more than three days a week.
Constantly... immersing herself in bullshit. Telling me with a straight face that she is automatic-writing/channeling the angel Metatron. Or that Isis appeared to her in a dream over the weekend and told her that she would be labeled "weird" for doing certain things. Or that Yesod of the Kabbalah is something she has to study more because of "signs" she claims to have experienced which didn't convince me at all when she spoken of them. Or some dream where her spirit animal arrives and... blah.
Always chasing after money, but not willing to work for it.
Thinks that her spiritual emergence course is going to be in high demand. But doesn't understand the nature of the audience she is targeting. Psychotics, mainly. People with schizophrenia.
She wants a forum to talk about and "guide" others to spiritual awakening but doesn't want to deal with any of the difficult that comes with it. I know, I've been down that path. I would not join her group or be fit to join her group. No way in hell would I open up and be vulnerable to her while having a psychotic episode and questioning my place in the universe and in the grand scheme of things.
And she hardly knows a damned thing about spirituality. She flitters like a hummingbird from flower to flower. Never really integrating the information she picks up. Just forgets about it and moves onto the next shiny object that dangles before her.
Another thing on that day. We had an argument about the stock market and how I think she should buy stock in the American marijuana industry for her daughter's RESP because likely if she's going to be able to forget about it for another 14 years; she would be rich and well-off if she picked the right companies.
"I don't have money to invest! Where am I going to get it from?"
This is what she says. Coming from someone who blew off tens of thousands of dollars recently from a pension she received. Coming from someone who argued vehemently with me that she manifests money out of nowhere by staring at her left-eye in the mirror each day for a month and visualizing unexpected income, etc. This is the same girl who doesn't have "money" for a trip the two of us was supposed to take a year ago, which she kept promising we eventually will go on; and yet, she was able to find money enough to go to Vancouver and Boston.
Oh, and she blew a grand to take some Mystery School course over the last weekend. Did she learn anything of value from it? Did she share any of that with me? No and no.
...
Fuck, man.. I wanted ...
You know.. it doesn't matter what I want.
Not to her, it doesn't.
Wish I could describe... capture our relationship better...
All these little things. These false promises. Sometimes outright lies. Little to no attempt to correct for any of the reasons we broke up in the past. I am still having the same concerns about her now as I did back then,
She is contributing nothing of value to my life. Leaves a mess in my house for me to clean up. Doesn't care to help with anything, and yet I helped her with a bunch of stuff.
No reciprocation and then she gets upset whenever I ask for something.
Like affection.
And she wonders why we're "stagnant" when she has been putting in zero effort to please me. To keep her word. To learn from her mistakes. To stop rejecting me and swallow her pride enough to place my happiness ahead of hers.
She wants to sit back and be fawned upon.
Not going to happen.
She...
Ugh.
Fuck...
You know... I don't really care. I notice that I am caring less and less about that woman. I know now to ignore the words coming out of her mouth and to focus on her actions instead.
Her actions tell me all I need to know.
I am not happy with her. Could have been. Once has been. But no more.
When she asked me over text abo...
It doesn't matter.
All I know is that I am not of any importance to her beyond what I give.
And she doesn't want to give back. She has no appreciation for the things that I do. No awareness of most of them either.
She is irrational. Impulsive. Thoughtless. Clueless.
And those are not words I want to be using to describe my girlfriend. Or my future wife.
Careless. Ignorant.
Dumb.
Spoiled.
Entitled.
Greedy.
Reckless.
Heartless.
Snide. Negative. Sarcastic.
I spent some time thinking about the positives, and I find that it is a challenge to come up with more than a couple of traits or reasons as to why I am supposedly in love and loved by her.
Barbs. Thorns. A game of... thorns...
(sighs)
When I start to care this little.... I think... it's...
I'm thinking that it's time to let her go.
I think she needs to feel the pain of my absence in order to evolve. To become forged by heartbreak and loss.
There doesn't seem to be any other way.
She doesn't appreciate what she has until it's gone.
And once it returns, she forgets about it in a few weeks or a month.
Just like everything else she forgets about. Unwilling to address or acknowledge the past mistakes she has committed, but quick to bring up comparisons of her husband and I. Quick to bring up events when it suits her narrative or argument.
Hypocrisy has always been the one quality I detest most in people. Saying one thing and doing another,
And this girl... not going to call her a woman, because she isn't, this girl exemplifies hypocritical thinking and beliefs.
Yeah...
I may have to let her go.
I however.. am not... firm in my decision. Something... is telling me inside to wait and watch and prepare..
For what, I don't know.
Maybe a hyper-aggressive action on her part. Maybe threats of suicide. Maybe her bawling at my door and me keeping my arms folded and resolute in not caving in to her emotions,
I sure hope not.
I know she is not going to let me go that easily.
Because I suit her agenda.
And she should know that she doesn't suit mine. She doesn't complement mine. Doesn't support it beyond lip service. Is unwilling to put my happiness ahead of hers. Always waiting for a problem to present itself, or creating that problem and then deciding to take action. Maybe.
Never pre-emptively correcting these issues or working to improve anything with us.
Drama. Thrives on it.
Unconsciously acts to make it happen. To embrace chaos over order. Confusion over harmony. Selfishness over selflessness.
Not ever delving deep inside of herself to make the changes necessary to grow and evolve. Always looking outside. At crystal beds. Crystals. Magic. Crowley and the Kabbalah and tarot cards and...
Shamanism. Prayer.
It sickens me, This is not only toxic but its blasphemous.
She needs a catalyst to change.
Perhaps that is my role in all this.
To reject her firmly and fully.
And to let her suffer for her mistakes.
Not because I desire it.
But because that is what she needs in order to become a better human being. To drop that sense of entitlement and anger and fear that constantly sticks to her soul.
To have her ego humbled.
I don't think there is any other way other than failure for her to achieve growth.
She thinks she is too big to fail. In life, in motherhood and in relationships.
And other people in her life are empowering her decisions and behaviour and giving credit where no credit is due.
She once wanted to see her daughter every two weeks. Had I not pointed out how absurd this is, and how ... an ordinary mother would not be okay with only seeing her child every two weeks; she would've gone ahead and done this.
Had I not raised objections about her joining a Satanic sex cult (OTO), she would have joined. Even though she claims to now not be interested, I still remember her telling me about the application she put in and the meeting she went to.
I have a feeling that this woman is a psychopath trying to orient herself. Well... maybe a sociopath, since I don't think she is 100% that out of touch with feelings and empathy. There is a soul inside of her. However damaged it may be.
She is quite detached from reality. And from me.
Yet, this her choice. And I am tired of arguing with her to find her doing a 180 months down the road and claiming it was her own idea for the things that I suggested in the first place.
I don't think she can orient herself on her own. She needs me more than I need her.
She was a whore when I met her. Gussing it up as "sex positive" by sleeping around with different people. Convincing her husband that polyamory is a good idea.
Until she met me and realized that it wasn't.
Yet, argued with me many times about it until she changed her mind.
I offered this woman the world.
And she does not think I need to be repaid for any of what I have done.
Or can do.
And would like to do. For her.
For her daughter, whom I love.
And her sister, who I could also eventually love.
Perhaps her parents as well. In spite of their disapproval of our relationship.
Guess I'm tired of this battle. These multiple battles. This never ending war where she doesn't want a truce and to meet as equals. To form a true partnership where one elevates the other. To WANT to do nice things. To make life easier. To serve and be served in more or less equal amounts.
...
Unless... I don't know... where does karma fit in all this? Maybe this is my job to keep fighting these battles with her. To keep forgiving. To keep believing. To keep giving as much as I can possibly give to her.
But, I hope this isn't my role.
I think she is indebted towards me. But I am not sure... I don't recall anything from my past life involving us. Though she claims to.
...
Yeah... I am lonely now. But that's okay. I've been lonely before.
I can handle loneliness.
I can't handle being taken for granted or lied towards.
Or disrespected.
I don't know where I am going from here, but I believe its onto good things.
I believe.
I have loved that girl like nobody ever in her life has. And she knows it.
But doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't show it.
And that's fine,
But I don't have to accept this any longer.
I can learn to be honest. To honour my own feelings. Just like she argued with me about honoring her feelings about being "disgusted" about sex a few days ago. Or other feelings, like suspecting me of texting a woman when I wasn't and demanding to see my phone despite my telling her the truth. Demonstrating that she doesn't trust me. And likely never will.
I...
Yeah.
I don't care to see or talk to her anytime soon.
I'm going to wait.
I know... there are forces at work here and the correct outcome will present itself.
Long as I am faithful to the cause of becoming a better human being and to make the world into a better place.
And other people, if I can. Even if it hurts.
Just like it must be hurting with her now.
That's love.
Because ultimately, it will transform her.
She will have to confront the pain inside and no crystal bed or chakra cleansing is going to help with any of it.
She has to confront the abyss on her own.
And transcend her darkness.
Without my being at her side.
Time for the dark to become light.
And I...
Will wish her well.
I have no other choice.
She doesn't want to love me, but wants to be loved.
That will be her cross to bear.
