More Disappointment

Last night Fola sent me an email titled "Fwd: Forgiveness" that I ignored reading.

Got around to reading it this morning.

Before I opened it, I had a few thoughts going through my mind. Three days without speaking to each other might mean that she took the time to reflect upon our circumstances and was going to acknowledge and apologize for her behavior.

What a mistaken idea that was.

Here is the email:

Evening David,

I opened my email with the intention of writing an email to you because I felt it was time. I saw the weekly Tarot email in my inbox and opened it (see below). Low and behold. I think the topic is fitting. 

I have gone through a variety of thoughts and feelings this weekend and it has allowed me to come to understandings of myself and you. I am sending you the email because I believe it's important. I have been digging more into this forgiveness piece - forgiving myself and you and others.  Forgiving myself for the things I did not do and did do.  The email goes about explaining why it is important to forgive ourselves and others. Speaking with my friend about prayer (Catholics) this is part of the process. Forgiveness of sins (of us missing the mark). We don't always hit the mark but we can keep trying; just like an archer continues to practice. 

I honestly don't even know what the whole Thursday fight was about, but clearly it had to be let out. I have been purging so many negative things; our past, my negative thoughts and anxieties/worries.  I could sense something was up and had my own thoughts and opinions that wanted to be put out on the table. I am fine taking the time needed to recenter and figure our what we both need to accomplish and work through - I hope you are too, which I assume you are because I haven't heard back from you.  Though I won't lie it's been emotional, but not as bad as it has in the past. I trust that this is the step that needs to happen - just stepping back so we can both reconnect with our higher Selves more clearly. I pray that you continue to do the great work you're supposed to and that you are stepping into your power.  I will not put expectations on you without clearly stating my desires or hopes in terms of what I need in the future. I hope you can continue to move into speaking your truth as well and being vulnerable. 

I feel my ego has many more things to say, but I won't put them here because they aren't beneficial. Thanks for your reading this and the time we have spent together. 

Also, as I appreciate the help you provided me with my website and that, I am offering my support with reading your book. The offer is always standing if you want to send a chapter or two a week, I will read and give you my thoughts. I am not going to push that matter any more. 

I am going to spend the rest of the week doing some more uncovering of myself and the things I learned the other weekend and clearing whatever baggage is left behind. I trust that the things coming together are for the betterment of both of us and the world. I just continue to ask that you remember you are here for a reason and that is to BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS. God didn't give you gifts for nothing. Share that light always.

That is it. 

<3 div="">

Fola

After reading this, my gut impression was that she is insane.

Insane.

I don't think she gets it and ever will.

She then attached this long thing about forgiveness as interpreted by a lady who drew a tarot card and blasted out an email to a bunch of people.

Apparently I am supposed to be forgiven for...

I don't even know, man.

Forgiven for being treated like a piece of shit and voicing my complaints about it? That's what I should be forgiven about?

Forgiving herself she also says... For what? For treating me like a piece of shit and taking me for granted?

As I read this and think about the last couple texts I sent her, I can't understand how she wrote this type of email. What does she expect to happen from it? "Oh! It's about FORGIVENESS" and this light bulb goes off in my head like it's nothing I haven't considered? And all is well in this world because she figured out this formerly elusive idea?

Give me a break.

"low and behold" ... is how she starts it off with. Grand introduction. She thinks the "topic" is fitting.

Second paragraph. She has "gone through a variety of thoughts and feelings" to "come to understandings of myself and you". Wonderful. She's thought about her actions, her complacency and has taken the time to figure things out.

"I honestly don't even know what the whole Thursday fight was about"

So much for coming to understandings about our situation.

My last big text to her wasn't ambiguous. It wasn't difficult to understand what my concerns and complaints were. It also isn't hard to know why I was upset that day. Multiple things have happened. Not just then, but leading up to it.

And...

Well...

This is par for the course. I might as well give up on her ever developing a normal sense of empathy, awareness and compassion.

She hasn't a clue what impact her actions and lack of them have on our relationship. She won't take responsibility for them. Wouldn't address any in her email, which is what I was hoping she would do.

And then suggest means to fix or improve on what the issues are.

Instead, she writes me this... This... rant or spiel on forgiveness, but makes it more about her than about us.

No proposed solutions. No direct acknowledgement of what the real issues are between us.

Just this... self-centered... ignorance...

"We don't always hit the mark; but we can keep trying; just like an archer continues to practise."

Trying. She says. Yeah... I've seen how she "tried" after each of our breakups in the past where she promises changes that never seem to manifest for more than a couple of days or a week

And then she forgets all about them. Just like she will forget about this email and has already forgotten about what lead up to our dispute on Thursday.

No self-awareness. Little capacity for reflection and understanding. Willful ignorance.

Hardly any empathy. I suspect she doesn't know how to place herself in someone else's shoes. She favourited a video on YouTube called "how to do empathy". I think that says enough.

"It's been emotional, but not as bad as it has been in the past"

Great. Translating that statement means = "I'm not as bothered by all this like I used to be"

Which means she doesn't really give a shit.

Nonsensical statements as well. "I will not put expectations on you without clearly stating my desires or hopes in terms of what I need in the future"

Wow. Made it all about her and her "needs" in the future.

Ridiculous.

Doesn't address or consider my needs. Doesn't understand how neglectful she's been.

It doesn't even make sense what she wrote. No expectations without clearly stating her desires or hopes of what she needs?" ... I can't understand what this is supposed to mean.

Not a very thoughtful email. I can plainly see that she didn't put much effort into it or is treating anything with seriousness.

Forgiveness...

Is going to be a fad for her. Just like everything else is.

Yesterday I wrote about how she needs to hit bottom in order to change. I think this still stands. I think she has a ways to go before that happens.

I thought briefly about replying to her email, but realized that it is not going to do anything but perpetuate the problem. It would be my ego looking to protect itself and lash out at her ignorance.

Same old, same old.

Not going to fall for this trap.

I can tell that she wants me to get upset. To get angry. To really vocalize my frustrations with her and to describe in detail everything.

But I won't. I will not pander to her lazy way of thinking.

Spoiled and self-entitled.

Delusional.

Careless. Thoughtless.

"I feel that my ego has many more things to say but I won't because they're not beneficial."

Translation: "I want to insult you but I'm holding my tongue because I am a mature woman capable of self-control."

"Thanks for reading this. And the time we've spent together."

Translation: "I needed to vent and want to express faux-appreciation for all that you've [I] have given me [her]."

Why doesn't she express that appreciation openly whenever we are together? Not distance herself? Not show up at my place empty-handed, going to her laptop, comparing me to her ex, leaving dirty dishes...

Telling me that she feels "disgusted" by sex.

Telling me to "think about it" after she left. As if I am the one with the problem, here.

So utterly clueless.

And she... Oh... this part:

"I am offering my support with reading your book"

...

Back story here. I sent her a chapter of "No Love Left On Earth" about a year ago. When I asked her for feedback, she said it was "good" or something along those lines. Didn't ask any questions. Didn't comment on the flow. Didn't comment on the ideas or the style or the characters.

Didn't care.

Then months later, when I told her I channeled a couple of books, she asked to read that too.

Commented on one line I wrote. That was it. No overall summary of her thoughts. No suggestions. No questions asked.

No useful feedback that I can take and use. No encouragement, either.

And it was only recently that I brought this to her attention. That she wasn't interested in my writing because she hasn't asked for anything since I showed her those chapters.

I already know she is not interested in reading them, so to see her say she is "offering her support" in reading my book, is downright insulting.

Insulting.

With Gina, I could see the excitement on her face as she talked about reading my chapter. She asked questions about the story. The characters, and asked to read more.

Not so with Fola.

And... that statement of hers... "offer support to read" ... is like this huge favour she is offering to do for me. This... burden she is willing to undertake in exchange for her reading whatever I send her.

I bet the feedback is going to be about as useful as it was a year ago.

"It's good."

...

Not going to bother. She's not interested and she's pretending to be.

That is not the type of woman I want to be with.

A liar.

An entitled self-serving.... ignorant...

Sighs.

I am not really that angry as I type all this. I feel this resignation in me. I know I have to accept that this is how she is and likely this is how she always will be.

She will always be that hummingbird flying around dipping her beak in one thing before moving onto the next. Never staying for long enough to make use of the nectar she's gathered. Or to...

It doesn't matter.

"I hope you to can continue to move in speaking your truth as well as being vulnerable"

No. You do NOT want t hear my "truth". You've demonstrated enough times in the past that you are easily defensive and wounded by words that I consider to be true. Like these ones.

Why the hell would I open myself and be vulnerable around someone who doesn't respect truth? Who is so easily damaged by it?

She is going to be spending the rest of the week "uncovering" things about her and her baggage.

Okay, Fola. I've heard you say this enough times already. About how you're "purging" and "releasing" which are thinly veiled excuses for "I am irrational and I am negative and eventually these things will work themselves out"

You'll always be "purging" and "releasing".

Always.

Until you understand that the world doesn't revolve around you.

"BE OF SERVICE TO OTHERS"

She capitialized all that.

Unbelievable.

Coming from the woman who left dirty dishes at my house three times in a row.

Hasn't offered to help with anything around my place, despite my having done it for her.

That's being of service, alright.

I am considering dropping her things off at her sister's house and moving on.

But the time isn't right yet.

Maybe in a week.

In the meantime...

I'm just going to honour who I am and what I stand for.

I believe...

I believe.

I've seen enough to believe. Though... sometimes I wonder about it. But that's normal.

I met Christina for a reason.

I have had a line of credit offered to me at the right time for a reason.

...

Things are happening.

Things are moving.

And I will flow along with it.

El Grande Disappointo

Yes, again I am here and yes again, Fola...

It's Fola related.

Day two of our "break" I suppose you can call it. Though I didn't ask for one.

She suggested it, and I guess that's the way it's going to be. Ignored two of her phone calls so far. No texts from her or surprise visits, so that's good.

Where to begin.

Hm. Dinner at her house. She made lamb stew last week. Delicious, and I expressed my appreciation for it. My mom makes beef stew and this was almost as good if not better in some ways than hers.

However, my mom makes it with peas and onions. Thought I'd suggest to Fola that peas would really improve on an already amazing recipe.

She gets pissed off. "I don't need to hear your criticism! Just enjoy it and be quiet!"

I got defensive. Told her it was only a suggestion. Reminded her that I thought it was well-made.

Everything gets awkward. Her daughter Ivy is sitting between us, picking at her bowl. Her sister Sade is on my left and then Fola made a remark about how Sade yelled at her earlier.

Sade got defensive, and turned to me. Attempting to explain the situation,

"She was going to use a rissotto in the recipe!"

I didn't know what it meant, because who cares what kind of red wine is being used. Told her just that.

"It's a sparkling wine..."

"Oh. I see.. Yeah, I wouldn't be putting that in..."

Fola loses her shit. Stands up at the table, pounds it down with a hand and says, "if you two don't like it, you can get the fuck out!"

Or something along those lines.

I couldn't believe her outburst. I can kind of see where it would come from, but dropping the f-bomb in front of her daughter? Throwing a tantrum in front of her? Being THAT upset over such minor gripes? Or that sensitive?

I looked her square in the eyes as she realized the severity of her outburst and began to laugh it off as a joke.

"That's not funny Fola. Your daughter is right here."

Honestly, if that was my kid next to me, I would've reamed her out.

But, I didn't. I sat there glaring at her while she cradled her head in her hands. Smiling. Which didn't make any sense to me.

The energy between us intensified. And then...

Ivy places both her hands on top of our arms and said, "no! stop it!"

I...

God, man.

That little girl.

Love her. Wish that was my kid.

And I wish she didn't have to see the way her mom behaved.

The way she embarrassed herself. The... example.. the role model she is supposed to be.

A woman of maturity. And compassion. And love and understanding and wisdom and patience.

Fola demonstrated she is none of those things.

Impulsive. Self-serving. Oblivious and lacking in empathy.

Hungry for power in the form of crystal bed healings. Witchcraft. The Kabbalah. And the list goes on.

Always looking for the next big thrill. Easily bored after a while of having it. Gets complacent. Loses perspective. Does not ever try to work on herself in a serious and disciplined manner. Prefers easy outs like the law of attraction and "attunement" videos she watches on YouTube.

So.. that was last week. Other things have happened since.

Now to write about two days ago.

She shows up unexpectedly at my house at around 10am. She did text she was going to come, but I didn't see it. Was busy doing other things.

Came in wearing lipstick. Looked nice. Gave me a peck on the cheeks.

Interrupted my game of Battlefront, so I welcomed her in and sat down to finish it off.

She then goes right to her laptop and begins banging away at it. Doing random things, like working on her website, emails, etc. Immediately productive. Made me feel like I didn't exist as I watched her all absorbed.

Wish she would've sat down next to me on the couch as I finished the game. Would've liked some conversation beyond exchanging pleasantries.

Whatever. I finished off my game and sat at the dining table next to her.

Asked her how breakfast was. She described this delicious sounding meal.

And... these... thoughts kept coming to me. I realized she showed up without coffee or tea or breakfast or offering to make me any.

Again, whatever.

She then makes herself tea.

Continues being productive.

I helped her with her website and gave her suggestions.

She...

Okay.. this is sounding stupid. But keep in mind, that a lot of little things she was doing kept adding up to my feeling more and more distant from her.

It was all about her. I realized.

I began ignoring her. Went on my phone to check the markets and to keep up with news on Reddit.

There was no closeness between us. She ignored the touch I gave her as I went to the bathroom.

I began thinking.. so she just shows up and ignores me.

Why even come over? She could've just gone to Starbucks and done what she was doing.

Hours go by like this. We head out for lunch because she was hungry. I didn't feel all that interested because I made my own breakfast while she pecked away at the keyboard. Leaving her used cup on the table, which she has done the last couple times she was here. Watched me fill the sink with water to do dishes. Didn't offer to help but asked me to help her the other night when I was over.

There was a moment in the car when I was checking my phone as it was 20 minutes away from market close and I wanted to see where my investments would end up.

"Stop looking at your phone" she says.

Again.. little things... I was reminded of how she spent most of the afternoon ignoring me and focused on her "work". I didn't once tell her to stop doing what she was doing, and I had already told her before how important the market was to me. I have 55 thousand dollars in there. 36 of it from a line of credit. There was a lot on the line and she knows how important financial security is to me and how uncertain I am about finding work in the near future.

Just another little thorn when she said that.

Later...

Man.. so many stupid little things that it bothers me to write them down.

We had a fight about the podcast. Again... it bothers me to write the details out because of how banal they seem. Basically, she impulsively records our conversations and wants to post them online without my input. Today she did the same. Just threw it up on YouTube without asking or confiding in me.

I didn't like the cover image she used. And I also felt that it would be simply courtesy and respect to tell me she was posting it and for her to check in with me on that.

Not just do whatever the hell she wants.

Then, she compares me to her husband Larry. Saying how different she is with me compared to with him. I told her I didn't appreciate the comparison and that I do not openly compare her with any of my exes. This isn't the first time I've been compared to Larry. I've been compared to her dad, as well.

Little things... Little thorns... aggravations.

And so much contradiction with her. I remember us having an argument where she expected me to read her mind. Literally. Like, whatever it was she was unhappy about, I had to know magically already know why and work to correct it. Today, she ended up telling me that she couldn't read my mind. Basically expecting me to, but it's okay if she doesn't do the same because she is too lazy or unable to utilize any empathy.

Little things. Like...

Ugh.

So much irrationality.

Her sister Sade said to Ivy after her outburst at the dinner table, that "mommy is going crazy".

I am believing that has already happened. And I am empowering this nonsense of hers by letting it all slide and humoring her being spiritually inquisitive.

A few days ago she refused to have sex because she said she felt "disgusted".

Rejected me a few times already for wanting to have sex. I lay in bed being unsure of whether I should touch her or not. She complains if I do and if I don't and how I do it. Nothing has really changed fundamentally from how it once was with us. Or what approach I take.

I ... I just had enough. Thorns... little things. All adding up to this.

She came to the couch as I sat down, before she had to leave at around 330.

I felt so distant and apart from her that I think she sensed it, and came in close to cuddle.

But it felt so...

Lifeless.

As if it was a chore. A favor from her.

At that moment, I didn't care anymore. I couldn't respect this woman. I know she doesn't really love me.

She only loves the way I make her feel.

When I try.

I...

Then the conversation turns to her asking me about the relationship. I said I didn't know what she was getting at.

"I think it's getting stagnant" she says.

I... felt like this anger welled up inside of me. How clueless of her. Of course it's stagnant because she hasn't done anything lately to make me excited or appreciative of her. She has done nothing to add value to my life. She rejects me in small subconscious ways that I am compelled to stop trying.

In the past couple of weeks, I helped her clean her house. Helped her with her website, her email, been supportive of her efforts in starting up this spiritual emergence group. Gave her a massage when she asked for it. Came over whenever she invited me. Even when I didn't want to come over.

A few days ago she had her friend Melody come by for supper. Wouldn't invite me, so I invited myself. Her rationale was that she had to ask Melody first if it was okay for her "partner" to come along.

"partner" ... I've always disliked that term and Fola knows it. For a while she was referring to me as her boyfriend, but it looks like I'm back to being a "partner". Didn't introduce me as anything other than "David" when Melody showed up.

And apparently the usual dinner we have on Wednesdays wasn't...

Fuck, man. I'm tired of writing about all this.

Feels like such a stupid game is being played. It has progressed into an art form.

She hasn't made me scones in months. Hasn't baked me anything. And that lingerie she kept promising she's looking into, months ago, still hasn't arrived.

I realize how banal this sounds. This is not reason enough for me to get angry.

But I can't quite capture this relationship in words, now. I can't possibly do it justice to communicate all the little things Fola has done to undermine the intensity of our bond.

And the way she would defer responsibility.

"We should be focused on working on ourselves!" she would claim, again, even though I am convinced that our relationship needs to be taken seriously in order for it to have that magic and excitement it once had. Look... if she is jumping out of bed in the mornings and not wanting to cuddle with me because she feels its "wasting time" when previously we used to enjoy spending hours in there listening to music and bonding; then I think she is completely sabotaging the connection we once had.

All because she thinks she knows better.

...

And then she wants to cuddle when I openly reject her. When I leave the bed and tend to other things. That's the time she wants to cuddle and get physical. When I am not giving her any attention.

I really am not communicating this very well. I can't quite capture how she makes me feel. Like I have to beg for attention now.. where once it was freely given.

Basically, if I am not happy then everything goes to shit because I feel that it is me who is largely responsible for the quality of our relationship. As immodest as it sounds.

And I have noticed that lately I've contributed so much more to the relationship than she has. I've helped her in several small ways.

Here's another barb. She was working late a few nights on the weekend. I would leave the outside lights on for her when she arrives after midnight as I lay in bed. Making sure the front door is unlocked for her as well.

She doesn't notice or appreciate the gesture. How do I know this? Because in the morning she reminds me that "you left your lights on" as she leaves.

That's... the thorn, again. This lack of self-awareness about her. These little things DO mean a lot in the grand scheme of things and she is oblivious as to their importance.

And it is all these small things that I've done, that has contributed to the excitement we've had in our relationship. Getting her a small gift. Helping her with her work. Picking up a Kinect for her sister. Giving her my undivided attention. Giving her support when she needs it.

And.. so... on the couch we had that conversation about us being "stagnant" and then she says she has to go. Nothing was resolved. At the door I leaned in for a kiss and she turns away.

We discussed a short few minutes ago about her "rejecting" me in various ways.

I called her out on this. Glad to have spotted this gesture and brought it immediately to her attention so we can discuss exactly what I was trying to convey earlier.

She then.. decides not to take responsibility. Made excuses. Tried to say that I should take her out more and make her feel special.

Which never mattered before in our relationship. We were happy to lay around and listen to music without going out. We had some amazing moments like this. Staring into each others eyes and being affectionate and talking about life and spirituality and the future with wide bright eyes and hope and innocence.

No more,

According to her, those moments are a waste of time now.

According to her, we should be focused on working on ourselves.

Which is what today looked like. With her on the laptop and me on the phone. Ignoring each other and growing increasingly distant.

I am continuing not doing a very good job explaining any of this. She leaves and tells me to "think about it" in reference to my having to put in extra effort to please her in order for her to be in the mood to have sex.

That didn't sit well with me.

Few hours later she texts me suggesting that if I need a break, then I could have one. Just not let it be too long, she suggests.

I... exploded. Told her in the nicest possible terms that I...

It doesn't matter. Feel like such a chump typing it out.

This girl is playing around. From day one.

She has no integrity. No honour.

No compassion. No empathy.

Is a terrible role model for her daughter.

Can never truly understand the pains of others because she hasn't experienced pain herself. Had everything given to her on a silver platter. Makes tons of money at her job and doesn't appreciate it enough to work more than three days a week.

Constantly... immersing herself in bullshit. Telling me with a straight face that she is automatic-writing/channeling the angel Metatron. Or that Isis appeared to her in a dream over the weekend and told her that she would be labeled "weird" for doing certain things. Or that Yesod of the Kabbalah is something she has to study more because of "signs" she claims to have experienced which didn't convince me at all when she spoken of them. Or some dream where her spirit animal arrives and... blah.

Always chasing after money, but not willing to work for it.

Thinks that her spiritual emergence course is going to be in high demand. But doesn't understand the nature of the audience she is targeting. Psychotics, mainly. People with schizophrenia.

She wants a forum to talk about and "guide" others to spiritual awakening but doesn't want to deal with any of the difficult that comes with it. I know, I've been down that path. I would not join her group or be fit to join her group. No way in hell would I open up and be vulnerable to her while having a psychotic episode and questioning my place in the universe and in the grand scheme of things.

And she hardly knows a damned thing about spirituality. She flitters like a hummingbird from flower to flower. Never really integrating the information she picks up. Just forgets about it and moves onto the next shiny object that dangles before her.

Another thing on that day. We had an argument about the stock market and how I think she should buy stock in the American marijuana industry for her daughter's RESP because likely if she's going to be able to forget about it for another 14 years; she would be rich and well-off if she picked the right companies.

"I don't have money to invest! Where am I going to get it from?"

This is what she says. Coming from someone who blew off tens of thousands of dollars recently from a pension she received. Coming from someone who argued vehemently with me that she manifests money out of nowhere by staring at her left-eye in the mirror each day for a month and visualizing unexpected income, etc. This is the same girl who doesn't have "money" for a trip the two of us was supposed to take a year ago, which she kept promising we eventually will go on; and yet, she was able to find money enough to go to Vancouver and Boston.

Oh, and she blew a grand to take some Mystery School course over the last weekend. Did she learn anything of value from it? Did she share any of that with me? No and no.

...

Fuck, man.. I wanted ...

You know.. it doesn't matter what I want.

Not to her, it doesn't.

Wish I could describe... capture our relationship better...

All these little things. These false promises. Sometimes outright lies. Little to no attempt to correct for any of the reasons we broke up in the past. I am still having the same concerns about her now as I did back then,

She is contributing nothing of value to my life. Leaves a mess in my house for me to clean up. Doesn't care to help with anything, and yet I helped her with a bunch of stuff.

No reciprocation and then she gets upset whenever I ask for something.

Like affection.

And she wonders why we're "stagnant" when she has been putting in zero effort to please me. To keep her word. To learn from her mistakes. To stop rejecting me and swallow her pride enough to place my happiness ahead of hers.

She wants to sit back and be fawned upon.

Not going to happen.

She...

Ugh.

Fuck...

You know... I don't really care. I notice that I am caring less and less about that woman. I know now to ignore the words coming out of her mouth and to focus on her actions instead.

Her actions tell me all I need to know.

I am not happy with her. Could have been. Once has been. But no more.

When she asked me over text abo...

It doesn't matter.

All I know is that I am not of any importance to her beyond what I give.

And she doesn't want to give back. She has no appreciation for the things that I do. No awareness of most of them either.

She is irrational. Impulsive. Thoughtless. Clueless.

And those are not words I want to be using to describe my girlfriend. Or my future wife.

Careless. Ignorant.

Dumb.

Spoiled.

Entitled.

Greedy.

Reckless.

Heartless.

Snide. Negative. Sarcastic.

I spent some time thinking about the positives, and I find that it is a challenge to come up with more than a couple of traits or reasons as to why I am supposedly in love and loved by her.

Barbs. Thorns. A game of... thorns...

(sighs)

When I start to care this little.... I think... it's...

I'm thinking that it's time to let her go.

I think she needs to feel the pain of my absence in order to evolve. To become forged by heartbreak and loss.

There doesn't seem to be any other way.

She doesn't appreciate what she has until it's gone.

And once it returns, she forgets about it in a few weeks or a month.

Just like everything else she forgets about. Unwilling to address or acknowledge the past mistakes she has committed, but quick to bring up comparisons of her husband and I. Quick to bring up events when it suits her narrative or argument.

Hypocrisy has always been the one quality I detest most in people. Saying one thing and doing another,

And this girl... not going to call her a woman, because she isn't, this girl exemplifies hypocritical thinking and beliefs.

Yeah...

I may have to let her go.

I however.. am not... firm in my decision. Something... is telling me inside to wait and watch and prepare..

For what, I don't know.

Maybe a hyper-aggressive action on her part. Maybe threats of suicide. Maybe her bawling at my door and me keeping my arms folded and resolute in not caving in to her emotions,

I sure hope not.

I know she is not going to let me go that easily.

Because I suit her agenda.

And she should know that she doesn't suit mine. She doesn't complement mine. Doesn't support it beyond lip service. Is unwilling to put my happiness ahead of hers. Always waiting for a problem to present itself, or creating that problem and then deciding to take action. Maybe.

Never pre-emptively correcting these issues or working to improve anything with us.

Drama. Thrives on it.

Unconsciously acts to make it happen. To embrace chaos over order. Confusion over harmony. Selfishness over selflessness.

Not ever delving deep inside of herself to make the changes necessary to grow and evolve. Always looking outside. At crystal beds. Crystals. Magic. Crowley and the Kabbalah and tarot cards and...

Shamanism. Prayer.

It sickens me, This is not only toxic but its blasphemous.

She needs a catalyst to change.

Perhaps that is my role in all this.

To reject her firmly and fully.

And to let her suffer for her mistakes.

Not because I desire it.

But because that is what she needs in order to become a better human being. To drop that sense of entitlement and anger and fear that constantly sticks to her soul.

To have her ego humbled.

I don't think there is any other way other than failure for her to achieve growth.

She thinks she is too big to fail. In life, in motherhood and in relationships.

And other people in her life are empowering her decisions and behaviour and giving credit where no credit is due.

She once wanted to see her daughter every two weeks. Had I not pointed out how absurd this is, and how ... an ordinary mother would not be okay with only seeing her child every two weeks; she would've gone ahead and done this.

Had I not raised objections about her joining a Satanic sex cult (OTO), she would have joined. Even though she claims to now not be interested, I still remember her telling me about the application she put in and the meeting she went to.

I have a feeling that this woman is a psychopath trying to orient herself. Well... maybe a sociopath, since I don't think she is 100% that out of touch with feelings and empathy. There is a soul inside of her. However damaged it may be.

She is quite detached from reality. And from me.

Yet, this her choice. And I am tired of arguing with her to find her doing a 180 months down the road and claiming it was her own idea for the things that I suggested in the first place.

I don't think she can orient herself on her own. She needs me more than I need her.

She was a whore when I met her. Gussing it up as "sex positive" by sleeping around with different people. Convincing her husband that polyamory is a good idea.

Until she met me and realized that it wasn't.

Yet, argued with me many times about it until she changed her mind.

I offered this woman the world.

And she does not think I need to be repaid for any of what I have done.

Or can do.

And would like to do. For her.

For her daughter, whom I love.

And her sister, who I could also eventually love.

Perhaps her parents as well. In spite of their disapproval of our relationship.

Guess I'm tired of this battle. These multiple battles. This never ending war where she doesn't want a truce and to meet as equals. To form a true partnership where one elevates the other. To WANT to do nice things. To make life easier. To serve and be served in more or less equal amounts.

...

Unless... I don't know... where does karma fit in all this? Maybe this is my job to keep fighting these battles with her. To keep forgiving. To keep believing. To keep giving as much as I can possibly give to her.

But, I hope this isn't my role.

I think she is indebted towards me. But I am not sure... I don't recall anything from my past life involving us. Though she claims to.

...

Yeah... I am lonely now. But that's okay. I've been lonely before.

I can handle loneliness.

I can't handle being taken for granted or lied towards.

Or disrespected.

I don't know where I am going from here, but I believe its onto good things.

I believe.

I have loved that girl like nobody ever in her life has. And she knows it.

But doesn't appreciate it. Doesn't show it.

And that's fine,

But I don't have to accept this any longer.

I can learn to be honest. To honour my own feelings. Just like she argued with me about honoring her feelings about being "disgusted" about sex a few days ago. Or other feelings, like suspecting me of texting a woman when I wasn't and demanding to see my phone despite my telling her the truth. Demonstrating that she doesn't trust me. And likely never will.

I...

Yeah.

I don't care to see or talk to her anytime soon.

I'm going to wait.

I know... there are forces at work here and the correct outcome will present itself.

Long as I am faithful to the cause of becoming a better human being and to make the world into a better place.

And other people, if I can. Even if it hurts.

Just like it must be hurting with her now.

That's love.

Because ultimately, it will transform her.

She will have to confront the pain inside and no crystal bed or chakra cleansing is going to help with any of it.

She has to confront the abyss on her own.

And transcend her darkness.

Without my being at her side.

Time for the dark to become light.

And I...

Will wish her well.

I have no other choice.

She doesn't want to love me, but wants to be loved.

That will be her cross to bear.

Sighs

Big drop in the markets today. Day after I put in over 30k into investments.

Sighs.

5-16% losses on most of them already. Some people on Reddit are anticipating a further drop tomorrow.

I think... Well... I believe those two things I mentioned in my last post has happened for a reason unknown to me,

The lesson that I've learned is to not be so impulsive. That when it comes to the markets, I set reasonable goals and buy in at an entry price that I am comfortable with.

I did that, but ignored the signs of a pullback coming. Too caught up in the euphoria and thinking I would swing trade for 10-15% before pulling out.

Guess that plan didn't work. At least it won't be working for a little while yet.

It's funny how it has been for me lately. Was holding ICC for the longest time, since around February and decided to sell that last week because it wasn't moving relative to the other stocks. Later on that same day, it jumps 10% for no reason, and went up further the following Monday as ACB announced that they are buying them out.

Did make money on CWEB. Still ahead on that. But not by much. And after yesterday, I am down at least a grand or so. Don't want to look at my bank account right now. I don't need that jolt to the soul.

I guess... Well...

Yeah.

I took a chance. I believed. And I still believe in the future of marijuana being legalized and the industries that will come from it. The numbers support all this. CBD and pot use is going to only be more in demand, not less.

But... it's hard when I see red numbers on my stocks. The day after I purchased a bunch of them on a line of credit.

... I don't like how I did that yesterday. Impulsive. Not rational. Not cautious. Just thinking the momentum would carry on. And yeah, in the morning everything was up in double-digits.

So much for that.

I feel a sense of defeated calm right now. It really doesn't matter. It's only money. If I absolutely have to, I can file for bankruptcy.

But... I won't have to.

I can be patient.

This is a test of faith, after all. How badly do I believe that I am deserving of being financially secure.

I am deserving. I...

I can't go on insulating.

I can't.

I don't know what I am destined for, but it is not that.

I know in the bottom of my heart it's not that.

I know... I have a gift to share with the world once I discover the best way how.

But, I need to secure myself financially and weather the coming storms.

That's...

Up to God.

And myself.

By any means.

Yesterday I felt so strange. Was buzzing with a headache. Consciousness expansion, Fola called it along with her feeling similar things.

There is a vibe in the air.

My stomach today feels... settled. Strange to describe it like that, when I should be feeling this uncomfortable lump or knot inside, but my stomach feels strangely calm and settled.

I don't have to panic. I won't allow myself to.

I refuse to live in fear.

And I don't have to.

I have...

I have someone at my side.

I have someone up above.

I still have my family.

I still have me.

Money may seem important right now, but it really isn't. Not when I believe that there are worlds beyond this one that do not place such emphasis or need on material possessions.

But... I don't need to fall before I can rise.

I have fallen enough times already.

I will rise.

I choose to.

No matter what comes next.

May God be smiling upon my soul.

Because I believe in him.

And I believe in myself.

Sighs.

Life will go on as it always has.

And I surrender myself to it.

Strange and Beautiful (all at once)

Wow, blog. Wow.

Strange times we're living in with marijuana about to become legalized here in Canada. I am excited and nervous and...

Something else.

Yesterday was... strange. Really strange. Finally got my code in the mail to register myself with a Canada Service account so I can file for unemployment, and I was shocked at what I saw when I clicked my TFSA contribution room.

$57,500.

This surprised the heck out of me because I used to have a TFSA but it wasn't ever used, and earlier in the year I checked with Scotiabank to see if I could begin trading in it, and they said it didn't exist.

So with a heavy heart, I went to TD to apply for a new TFSA so I can invest in weed stocks. It was approved and I resigned myself to thinking my max was $5,500 for the year.

Yesterday disproved that in a big big way.

I immediately knew that I had to move my shares to the TFSA. I had about $23,0000 invested. Some of it using my line of credit.

Logging onto EasyWeb and moving them over; I saw a pop-up on the screen.

I was stunned, again, for the second time that evening.

They offered me a line of credit worth $40,000. It took me less than ten minutes to have it go through and be given access to it.

I was... shocked... so shocked at how easy it was. How... it just popped up on my screen like that.

And the timing with the TFSA... well... I had to take 32k out and put it in there. Had to. I decided I will be paying it back before the month is up. My goal is to make 30% by October 10th.

I pray to God that I can realize this.

It is such a scary market to be in. Two of my stocks went up 32% and 21% today. I'm ahead only by about... six thousand I think. I'm still behind with HVST, which I bought for 1.60 earlier this year and is the stock that went up 32%. TGIF is the other one with a 21% return. I didn't invest much (1.5k) and wish I did more.

... then... there was this huge dip early in the day that caused some people to panic. The prices dropped, and silly me bought a few shares at higher than the close of the day minutes before this all happened. But thankfully, I am only down by a few hundred dollars after the smoke had all cleared.

...So scary.. so... exciting, that these are the times I live in. Witnessing the birth of the internet, the mobile phone and now the legalization of marijuana; I can't believe the opportunities I passed up on in the past. Like Bitcoin.. or the 2008 banking crisis where I did own a small amount of Bank of America shares, but sold them much too early and made only a few hundred dollars.

No more. This time will be different.

I am scared... This is not the wisest move to be making, to be borrowing against credit. But... I am also a believer. I believe this is a historic moment. These days will be talked about for years down the road once the Americans and the World legalizes it also.

I will be telling my grandchildren about these times.

Assuming I end up having any.

Fola... such a... mixed bag. Some days she's distant, other days she's incredibly loving and giving.

Yesterday, she was loving and giving. Today I got a text telling me how much in love with me she is. I felt uncomfortable. I love her, but... her emotions have these serious peaks and valleys that don't mirror my own sentiments towards her.

(sighs)

Other things today... felt compelled to go into the local thrift shop and one of the first books I saw, was "investing for dummies" which made me smile inside. There were also numbers I'd come across at the bank. 1,100 and 1,444.44. Saw the 44 stuff twice, for some reason.

I realize that this makes me appear superstitious. I'm not. Well... not as much as Fola is.

I realize... these things all happening are part of some larger plan... I don't know what that is yet. I am... on a precipice of some kind. I still feel dizzy from how the markets were today and I feel that... there's a choice looming on the horizon.

I can achieve my dreams, or let them fall by the wayside.

I am not speaking of writing, just yet. That can wait. Right now, I would like to realize financial freedom. Not having any debt, is a worthy goal to strive towards.

And I have debt that I've been carrying around for years.

No more. This is all or nothing, now. Otherwise I will continue to spend many years trying to pay off what I currently owe. Money that did not to me feel like was poorly spent. I had to buy a car when my last one failed. I needed to buy tires. Brakes. And certain other expenses.

I don't want to spend years having to pay off debt that I've been carrying for many years already.

Forget about finding work in my field. There is nothing out there right now for the foreseeable future. The stock markets are all I have as far as making money goes.

It's scary to confess.

But, somehow...

It is beautiful and magical, as well.

I can't possibly do justice with my words. I struggle to understand why I am feeling the way I am today. Having this kind of fearful, excited anticipation that feels like a persistent headache.

It feels like, Fola texted, an expansion of consciousness. Both in the collective and in the individual sphere.

Things are happening. Things that are new and different. Potential being unmasked, Opportunities laying themselves at my feet.

I feel that I need to let go of the fear I had been having, and to take a leap into the great unknown.

A leap of faith.

I still believe... I've seen things. I can't explain some of the things that happened to me. The timing of them... the reasons....

But, I also confess myself to be a small bit cynical about all this,

I would like to let that go if I can.

I would like to be able to be happy. And secure. And looking forward to the future.

And I can be.

But I must believe it to be possible.

I took a huge gamble today. There is no contingency plan other than bankruptcy for me.

But...

I believe.

I am ready for good things.

Aphria, Charlotte's Web, CannTrust and Aurora.

You will be my knights in this adventure I am on.

I... am so...

Last night after the shock wore off with the TFSA and the line of credit being offered, I had to run out of the house in pajamas to find a quiet place to think.

I... felt so grateful for this opportunity. I... wanted to find time to express it.

But... I wasn't as grateful as I'd like to be.

I suppose that's my cynicism creeping in.

I will believe once I see the numbers rise.

I will believe when I get 30% on my investments by October 10th.

And then...

Then....

The world changes.

And I will change along with it.

Thank you God.

Thank you blog.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity, so that I may benefit my life as well as the lives of others.

Let this be the new beginning to a wonderful and exciting future.

We're all in this together.

Forth.

There is so much wrong with that woman, that girl, that I could write something new almost every day to put into the blog, but I won't. It's too exhausting to keep up. Too... pointless, sometimes, it feels.

But I know it is not pointless.

My relationship with her means something. Something important. But... I am wondering... I don't have all the pieces of the puzzle it seems, but I am wondering if it is nothing more than a test.

A test... Because... After meeting her over a year and a half ago, I have changed. I... can't honestly say it has been for the better, either. My writing has gone stagnant, my blog isn't nearly as updated. I am not as optimistic as I once was. I do not "treasure" the time that Fola and I spend together except to cling to the thread of hope that somehow things will be different and that...

...That she somehow actually does love me. Even if her actions do not appear to reflect my conception of what love is supposed to look like.

My pardon, dear blog, I am distracted at the moment by watching an episode of Preacher, season 2. It's the scene where Herr Starr begins training and just shot the final candidate and is now being briefed on the agenda of the "Grail", this secret cult about keeping the bloodline of Jesus alive. Weird stuff, but compelling, even if the rest of the show pales in comparison to the comics.

He's just gotten his uniform...

Anyways... Sorry. I should be taking the issue more seriously with Fola, but I... am.. weakened and careless. Holding onto this thin thread of hope that everything will work out the way they need to, and that illumination will somehow strike me upon the hour on when it is most needing to be deployed.

I await that hour. Until then, I cannot bring myself to break up with her.

I have tried before... many times. In many ways... being "abusive" with my words, and still, still she would not leave.

And still... Still I have not left, either. Forgiving her multiple times for sins and behaviors that I find despicable and not indicative of a pure and wholesome heart.

Which is not what I expect of her, but rather, a kernel, a seed to grow such feelings from.

And maybe this is what I hold onto. The hope.

Hoping for her salvation.

Because... baby steps have been taken since we met. Each argument, each fight brings us closer to understanding one another. She appears to be working off of a script. I have to tell her whenever I am displeased, because if I don't, she then asks, and I seem to always feel compelled to answer.

Although that may not actually be the wisest thing for me to be doing. Yet, it is what I must strive towards. Honesty.

Today... ugh... Had to help her move stuff out of her old house. She didn't ask me for help, but automatically assumed I would. The week previous, she got all upset that I wasn't doing enough to help. Despite my having helped her once already, and despite my saying that I would help again. If she would ASK me for that help and then provide a time and date to go and help her.

And yet... that argument...

There aren't any words, really.

She is... difficult. To negotiate with. To reason with. To barter and talk sense into.

And yet... a little while later, she tends to agree. And then thinks it was her idea.

So today.. I felt like such a chump cleaning her place up. Didn't feel appreciated. Felt like a slave. A fool. Earlier in the day she complained about how "devalued" she felt, and...

fuck... man.

Fuck.

She is... guilt-tripping me. Making me into her servant. Doing her bidding.

I was moving some stuff out from the house and into the garage when I saw the neighbor next door walk into his home. I nodded at him and said hello. He looked me in the eye and didn't respond.

I felt like such a chump. Such a usurper.

She showed me some calendar that her husband Larry and her put together for their engagement. A bunch of pictures of them kissing.

Got to say, they looked pretty happy. Even if the pictures lacked variety.

She said she didn't want to look at it. Said she was going to throw it out.

And I got upset at the things she was throwing out from her house.

It reminded me of how my mom threw out a working fax machine of mine many years ago when she got in the mood of cleaning out her basement. She threw out a guitar of mine, too. Furniture, also.

And for someone like myself who appreciates second-hand and frequents thrift shops; I felt disgusted by such waste and called Fola out on it. She admitted that my point of view was valid, but went into this spiel about how she wants to get rid of all the "old energy" or whatever delusional excuse she had for not recycling or donating items to people that would be happy to have them.

My mood went down when I saw what she was throwing out.

It was already bad enough being there and feeling like in a partial coma. Being made into a bitch. Unappreciated for the effort I was making. Hated the part where she said I could vacuum her filthy carpet upstairs.

Her husband did absolutely nothing with helping to clean the house. I suppose that is understandable, but why am I a part of this?

Fola guilt-tripped me before on this. Said that if I expect her to move in, that I should help make things easier for her to do so.

Yeah... I feel like such a bitch.

Maybe... I am one.

I am a bitch.

I don't even feel like having sex with her anymore. Too much of a hassle. There's no... emotion behind it lately. Feel like I have to beg for it. No anticipation. She'll say things like, "I'm looking into lingerie..." and it's been months since.

Just endless teasing.

And her personality... fuck... this... girl is a lot like a guy.

The attributes are there. I remember her laughing about some snapchat or photo-editing app that painted a mustache onto her. She looked so much like a dude that it made me queasy watching her act all jubilant about it.

And... the hair on her body.. her chin...

That chick is raging with testosterone. Not the soft-spoken, shy, warm and compassionate and considerate lady I have dreamed of.

Though, part of her dark side appeals to me, to be honest. Yet... even that is losing it's lustre the more irrational she becomes. The more careless and entitled she gets.

The more evident it becomes as to how clueless and lacking in self-awareness she is.

And yet...

I'm still holding on.

A few days ago she texted me about how I am her future hubby. Then....

Ugh.

I asked her to say these words in person. I'm tired of how different she seems over text vs how she is in real life. Can't really believe those words. Her actions often contradict them.

Or maybe she does not have the capacity for love that I have for myself.

I... would be slightly embarassed to be asking the woman I love to help me clean my home and move things out. I sure wouldn't guilt-trip her about it.

I'd be honest. "please help me with my house. I am stressed about it and could use your help."

Instead, she wants me to read her mind. She is much too prideful to lower herself down.

I am tired of it.

Begging for sex. Begging for attention.

She was taking a nap earlier today before she goes out to work night shift. I get in bed with her and she's like, "why are you in here?" like I intruded. In my OWN bed.

Said I wanted to stay here for a bit. She appears annoyed. Moves away from me.

Finally I get the hint and get up to leave. She then notices this change in me. Says she wants me to come back and cuddle.

Which she didn't want to do while I was in bed with her.

Fuck man.. and like a fool, I did.

I'm...

God help me.

This isn't love to me.

Earlier today she was talking about dreams she's had. Mentioned dreaming about her having sex with her parents.

Uhm. Excuse me? Sex with your parents, I asked.

Yes. But it's okay... she thinks of these things as metaphors for masculine and feminine energies. Yes, this includes both her mother and father.

Sex. Her dream involved her father finger-banging her. But apparently she didn't enjoy it, she says.

That's not what I want from the girl I've hoped to spend the rest of my life with. This damaged creature.

To be fair, I am damaged also, and I think this is why I am so hesitant to up and leave for the 9th time or however many it has been.

I have.. not felt as close to anyone before as I have been with her.

And.. despite all this time together, I still feel like I don't know her and that she doesn't know me. Not enough in the ways that matter.

I still think she is this wild child. This "strong" independent woman who wants to be overpowered by another guy.

I don't want to overpower her. I have done this and I am tired of it.

She asked me once if I thought of us as "equals" and I almost choked on coming up with a response. I had to ask for clarification. Equal, how? Because nobody is truly equal. Equal in terms of being deserving of respect? Sure. Equal in terms of emotional intelligence and self-awareness? No. Not equal by a long shot.

This girl is breaking me down slowly but surely.

I once said in my blog to never give my life up for a woman.

And yet it seems like I have.

Unless... unless...

It's... for the time being.

Because something is happening. This relationship happened and things have happened that are uncommon and mysterious and odd and weird.

I truly feel that there is a purpose here. But I don't know if asserting myself and fighting for what I deserve, is really what I want to be doing the rest of my life with her.

She hasn't baked me blueberry scones in over a year, I don't think.

She knows how much I liked them. She knows that it makes me happy to have them.

She knows what makes me happy.

And yet she doesn't put in the effort.

And, so. Neither do I.

And as clueless as she is, she constantly looks elsewhere for reasons other than me, when it comes to the happiness of this relationship.

The stars and planets are in a certain formation.

She did some kind of "meditation" that enabled a magical night between us.

Just excuses... I choked her during sex once and she had this crazy episode of some endless orgasm happening. Didn't credit me, instead, she was like "I don't know but maybe its this or this or this"

Such...

Cluelessness.

I won't take all the credit for those magical moments we've shared, but I do think I created the majority of them.

I can't be bothered to list them all here. Not right now.

And no matter how many times I explain certain things to her. Like, her making me happy or inspiring me to make her happy; she still doesn't seem to get it.

She gets some of it. But not all.

And worse, it feels so scripted. Like she honestly has no idea of how to be a loving and compassionate human being.

This is the girl that wants to dedicate her life to "helping" people when she can't even help herself become more loving and wise and kind and sensible and devout.

I don't trust that woman. For many reasons. Some of which is in my blog.

What a negative post. I don't like saying these things. But I have to be honest. I am truly bothered by all this. I'd like a solution. I don't want to be conditioned to become this vacant and obedient shell of a man.

Obliging her every whim. Not having many of mine realized.

Yeah, no.

I am better than that.

And.. ugh...

She thinks so too. No matter what I do for her, she truly thinks she deserves everything for nothing. Or for very little.

It's sad... It's shameful...

And... God, I could really use your help with all this.

Show me the way.

Show me what I must be doing.

Help me do these things.

I am ... I have said many times before that I am your instrument.

And perhaps I still am, but am not wise enough to see the end game of all this yet.

Perhaps this is still being played out and I am achieving your will.

I know you are out there. You do listen to me.

There is a path that I am walking which is in accord with your direction.

A path that I may have structured for myself prior to this life.

Lessons to be learned.

And lessons to be taught.

I don't know...

But, I really would like to.

Thank you God.

For being with me.

I am your humble servant.

I serve the greater good.

Even when I feel contempt and cynicism, I still hold that desire for you. And for myself.

I...

Am lost and confused.

I would like for you to show me a way out of this.

Or at least... show that girl what it is she is meant to know.

And myself.

As painful or as beautiful as it may be.

Help us evolve.

Let us grow closer to you.

Not further apart.

Teach me.

Help me to help her.

Thanks.

Back.

Well blog, I'm starting to notice things in my relationship with Fola.

Her dad did not want to ever meet me in person since we got together. Felt that was not very Christian-like for me to be sleeping with a married woman. Never mind the fact that this married woman and her husband both were sleeping with multiple people and have already broken their marriage vows.

I say this, because last week he said he would meet me before leaving this Tuesday to go back to Kuwait for another year. He changed his mind, saying that its not the "right" time. Dangles a carrot and takes it away.

Basically lied.

So, I am being funneled. From what I'm noticing. The relationship that Fola has with her dad, is the relationship she somewhat expects from me. On this deep, unconscious level. This makes sense, as now I understand more the reason as to why she behaves irrationally and gets angry over petty issues.

She's manipulating me to react in the same way her father would. To become tyrannical, because she associates tyranny with love.

That makes perfect sense.

I brought this up a few minutes ago through text. She didn't come to see me today for XYZ reasons, despite saying she would, despite offering to meet up twice. Just excuses after excuses. Today she spent a few hours watching Bible videos with her family and then reading the Bible later that night.

When I brought up how her father is controlling and demanding; she agrees. When I speak my truth about the observations I've made, she calls me arrogant/controlling/demanding.

It's ridiculous.

It's okay for her father to be that way, but not me.

It's okay for him to control her and make demands and abuse her.

Because she equates that behavior with love.

I'm starting to see where the pieces of the puzzle fits in all this.

And I'm starting to learn how important it is for me to not expect an equal partnership with her. To not even try at doing it, because she doesn't want an equal partnership. Despite whatever words come out from her mouth.

She wants a ruler. A king. That's her ideal husband and mate.

Someone with firm boundaries who doesn't take shit and wields power in the form of money or intimidation, or whatever.

She wants me to be like her dad. Unconsciously she has been funneling me down this path where I am having my boundaries tested and my convictions torn apart and emotions provoked, etc.

The end result of who I am is going to be the determining factor of the success of our relationship.

Problem is, I don't have power in the form of money or education to lord over her.

I can't manipulate her with these things. And I don't want to manipulate her, but I am seeing more and more clearly that there is a"frame" that I must honor within myself. I am reminded of how important it is for me to remain authentic and forward-facing. To not let this woman (girl) compromise who I am and what I wish to be and accomplish.

I think of how it was when we first started going out. I know what I was doing that was attractive to her. My aloofness. My not getting emotionally invested. My faith in myself. My confidence.

And... I think of that spirit guide message that I received a while ago, that there is a woman in my life who is trying to undermine me spiritually.

It's her. It's Fola.

And I am facing a trial of faith.

Here is the thing. When I think of her, I don't see... a woman with a warm and giving nature. I don't see my mother, whom I would like to find. I can't trust her, and I can't respect her lack of self-awareness and empathy.

If I wrote a list of her good and bad qualities, I know that the list of bad qualities are easily written more so than the good ones are.

In all honesty, I would be struggling to get more of the good qualities down because I can't think of more than a handful.

And in spite of all that, I do love that woman. I want her to heal herself. But I am faced with a situation that is much like trying to free a wounded animal from a trap. I have to deal with the fighting, the thrashing, the biting and fear and all this negative shit in order to set it free.

So why then, do I bother? If she is this difficult to negotiate with, if she cannot keep her word, if she keeps inventing drama and provoking me and making stuff up that she knows is not true and withholding affection and expecting me to make her happy without giving anything in return; why then would I want her to be the mother of my child?

Why would I think that there is a future with us if we fight so constantly?

I don't know, blog. I just don't know why I am staying in this relationship.

One of the questions I have difficulty with answering, is whether or not I am staying because I am fearful of having to date again and finding someone with similar chemistry; or am I staying because I have faith enough in her to change and to transcend her bullshit as well as my own.

I think the answer is that it is a bit of both.

I like to think that love can transform people. I have seen the effects I have on her. But I also have seen that she doesn't really want love in the same way that I expect to receive it. She wants drama and tension and fights and intense emotions going on between us.

I get that... but...

I don't want instability. While I admit that she is never really boring because of how unpredictable she can be, I don't want it to be like this so frequently.

I would like a woman with morals. With convictions. With... genuine faith and dedication.

And though I can't instill morals into her, I can certainly help with giving her faith and making her more dedicated. Not by controlling or manipulating, but by being the best of who I can be.

By being more of who I am when we first met.

And I think she needs to know this too. That if she was more like she was when we first met, we would be extremely happy together. She was attentive, made me food, treated me with respect and adoration and... sent me nice photos of herself. Nude ones.. sexy ones..

But now.. photos are of her staring vacantly into the camera. Her messages are sloppy and careless at times with mangled words that make the conversation confusing. She's... being...

She's being... lazy.

Spiritually. Intellectually. Emotionally.

Ironically, if she read these words, she would get upset and tell me that they aren't true.

She meditates daily. That covers the spiritual part, she would say.

She reads and learns about spiritual emergence/the Kabbalah. That's the intellectual part.

She is developing herself emotionally through empathy, I think she would say for the last part.

And... just because you meditate daily, does not make you spiritual.

Just because you read a bunch of stuff that you don't remember and aren't able to think critically and rationally, going from one book/belief to another, does not make you intelligent.

... I struggle to find words sometimes. I complain so much that articulating these complaints is like taking the long-way around. Sprinkling water onto a fire over a period of hours, than to simply extinguish it all at once with a large bucket. I don't have much energy in me for precision, but perhaps I should be more mindful of the words I am using and how they are said.

I can't believe we had a fight today over my not coming to her house to help clean it with her. I asked if she needed help, and she wouldn't say yes. Then got mad that I couldn't read her mind and made up a bunch of nonsense about how I don't care for her and that I prefer to be alone in solitude with my bachelor lifestyle, etc.

Just a bunch of nonsense.

Surprisingly, I mitigated all that quite well.

Explained that I need her to accept my help when it is offered, and that is has nothing to do with begging but has everything to do with being honest and vulnerable.

Wish I could copy paste our texts into this entry. It would make more sense and save more time if I did.

Hmm.

This is... such a journey I am on.

Her lessons and my lessons are intertwined with one another.

I have to stand up for myself and be the king that I know myself to be.

She has to...

Well... she has to do a number of things.

And I don't know if she is self-aware enough to change any of it. One week it seems like she's changed and understands herself, the next she doesn't, and has forgotten what happened a week earlier.

I don't think I can fix that for her. I don't know... how she can learn from any of that on her own if she is like a hummingbird going from flower to flower as far as personal and spiritual development goes.

I think all I can do is work on myself.

To be honest. Brutally so.

With her and myself.

I pray daily... sometimes asking for guidance on all this. I don't get answers, it seems. At least not obvious ones.

But sometimes these answers need a little scaffolding on them before they can be constructed. Bits and pieces have to form the foundation of whatever these answers need to be resting upon.

Can't jump from one rung of a ladder, up to the top. It's a slow and gradual effort that takes time.

For me right now, the main thing is to have faith.

I believe in God. I believe in a plan. I have a sense that I am following this plan, and whenever I am in doubt, when things are shitty and are going south, I gently remind myself that this is exactly the way it has to be. Whether I am responsible or not, is irrelevant.

It is not my job to be fixing Fola. She has to fix herself.

All I can do is hold fast to my truth.

To not let her pry it away from me.

Easier said than done, because there are times when I know that speaking the truth is going to cause damage.

So there lies the tight-rope. The balance. The constant vigilance.

Walk by faith and not by sight.

Everything I need is already here. The answers are already here.

All I must do is discover them. Make myself ready to accept them.

Because they are here.

And I am loved. As hard as it is for me to feel at times, I know that I am loved by forces that are higher and lower than myself. Even if I cannot see who or what they are.

And I can't let them down. I know they want the best for me. My deceased father. Spirit guides. God. Angels.. whatever they may be.

When I change myself, the world changes with me.

And I am not one to be toyed with. Not by an immature woman who is 9 years my junior and unable to think critically and objectively with empathy and compassion and consideration.

Yeah, she's not perfect, and neither am I.

Organically that is.

Inside... I know that we each are like diamonds. Perfect in absolutely every way.

Cut into a thousand facets,

Our souls are beautiful and glittering.

But society... perception... conditioning... biology...

These things cover up some of the facets of our diamonds. They hide the beauty behind the one aspect of ourselves that we consider to be weak and inferior.

And yet.. we can work to clean that part of ourselves. To really work at cleaning off the grime and dirt behind whatever it is that keeps us from gleaming and glowing with the light of goodness and contentment within ourselves. To present that one glittering side for the world to see.

When we accept that we largely are happy with who we are, that is the confidence we need in order to go forward and do great things.

And... that is my job to be doing.

I have difficulty hearing. Its a hell of a challenge in so many ways to be hearing-impaired.

So much self-doubt and lack of confidence and inability to really connect with people.

Can be fixed.. sure.. with hearing aids that cost money that I don't have.

And then... the pride thing comes up. I don't want to wear them anyways. I don't want to further destroy my hearing by amplifying certain sounds to levels that will damage things even more.

Such a conundrum.

And... the shame I get from all this. From being this way. Not feeling deserving of certain things. Accepting abuse and disrespect and being unsure of how to cope or deal with them.

Not being able to walk with confidence and a smile in the world because of how inferior I am.. and ironically, how arrogant I can sometimes be.

Sometimes my pride serves as a shield. I need it, but I truly don't.

And I have to live in this contradiction.

To lessen the influence of my ego, but also to preserve and fortify it.

Some kind of weird... balance, needs to be struck.

Live with and without expectations.

Expect and do not expect.

Should I not expect respect from my partner?

Or should I earn it?

Should I make myself deserving of it?

These questions... man...  I vacillate between taking responsibility for the behaviors of others, and blaming them for my problems.

If only Fola could be more loving and giving and generous and willing to please... then I could be the same... that's one dialogue.

If only I could make myself into the man I know myself to be, then I will be loved and given towards and made to feel respected and appreciated.

How much of my life is really in my control?

And how much of it is dependent on others?

The answers vary.

Ideally, I should be held accountable only onto myself.

And yet... relationships make this difficult to do.

When I do something nice for someone, I know that it puts them into a better place.

And I feel the same way when receiving something in return.

It's transactional. Conditional. I don't think unconditional love can truly exist within these human bodies and inside of this type of society we live in.

But perhaps it can.

Maybe I can learn to love myself and only myself. Everything and everyone else gets the run-off from the feelings I generate within.

Maybe it really is that simple.

I don't know.

It's late. I have to go to sleep. Waking up at 5am to go to a job that I dislike. Cutting bands all day on light-duty.

Wonderful.

People are getting laid off. They haven't laid me off yet because I am not medically cleared by my doctor to be fit for work.

But once I am... I'm gone..

Wish I knew the answer to this. I need to do something else for a living.

I need to...

Make something of myself.

I am a writer.

And I am a sentimental fool who believes in a certain type of love.

One that I wish to dearly experience.

For as long as humanly possible.

And even beyond.

Good night blog.

Love ya.

Take care.

Hmph

I know blog. I know.

Be patient. Apathy is overwhelming at times and so much has been going on.

I'll write soon.

I hope.

Lightest Duty

(groans) what a week my blog, what a week.

Again, so much has happened that I can't possibly describe it all.

Let's start with the most important thing, no, not Fola, but work.

I got gassed at my job last Wednesday. I was up on top of a tower with my partner Bruce when I started to smell something funny. It wasn't funny to laugh at, but funny enough to scrunch my face and yell at Bruce to get down all the ladders to get away from the smell.

As we reached the halfway point, I look at Bruce and notice him checking out his gas monitor which was blinking a menacing red. I remember almost losing my grip on the way down due to how overwhelming it all smelled and how invasive it was to be caught in this gas, and here was my partner, dawdling looking at his monitor like he had all the time in the world to scrutinize it. Pissed me off.

We were then met at the same level by two other coworkers who also were feeling the effects of this gas and also had their monitors blinking red. Our only exit was the stairs, and Miles Copeland told us all not to go down there and that we should find another way out. We ended up scrambling around cable trays looking for another way down, eventually finding one and then crossing a three-foot gap from about fifty feet or more from the ground.

We got to the ground, no alarms were going off in the unit (and eventually the next unit over did have alarms going because of it) and gathered together with our coworkers, some of whom were spitting and nauseous. One of them (Ethel) actually became wobbly on her feet and nearly fell to the ground had it not been for people around her who saw what was happening.

We waited 20 minutes for the ambulance to arrive. I felt my chest was tight, the disgusting stench still in my nostrils and fatigue/headache setting in.

Eventually the ambulance arrives and took five of us to the hospital, where we were kept under observation and eventually discharged.

There's more detail to all of this, including the BS that went on with my being threatened with "severe repercussions" if I didn't come in, despite a doctor's note saying I shouldn't, but that is being logged elsewhere and is a story best left for another time.

I will get into what happened today at work.

Yesterday, I called in saying that I wasn't going to come in. I couldn't get much sleep and I slept through my alarm and I also didn't have my workboots, which were thrown away as "contaminated" by the hospital staff.

The shift supervisor, Barry, then told me to call Gerald the safety guy to repeat my reasons as to why I wasn't coming in. I was so fatigued and tired and mindful of how they threatened me to come in despite my note; that I didn't want any drama and decided not to call.

I then went to see the doctor at the walk-in clinic. He said I should be on light-duty. Fine. Called Gerald after this, and told him what happened. I didn't want any drama, so I told him I was taking a "personal" day rather than have to jump through the hoops of it being recorded as a lost-time incident. I just wanted my time off to recover and to get my boots and get a second opinion from the doctor, which by the way, the site physician told me to "take it easy" when I saw him on Thursday rather than make any recommendations or suggestions on what I should be doing to recover from the headaches and fever and chest pain, etc.

So, this morning had me in Gerald's office where I handed him my doctor's note for last week (which didn't matter), the light-duty form from the doctor yesterday and the receipts I had for the contaminated clothing I had to replace, which was at a total of $461.91. Crazy number, but Gerald didn't bat an eye at it.

Sat around for most of the morning while they figured out what to do with me. Learned from other people what the five of us (who were hospitalized) have been up to and feeling.

First off was Ethel and Lee. They were placed back into the Coker unit, unbelievably without protest, where an alarm went off and sent them into a panic. Refusing then not to work in that unit, which had them transferred to another crew. It also had Lee taking the day off early so he could see a psychologist.

Second in the day, was Miles. He complained about the stress and how scary it all was and how he had headaches and nausea over the weekend. But did he consult with his doctor or put his foot down and demand not to be placed back into the coker unit? No, he did not, and I was very disappointed when I found out his reasons why.

Turns out, he hates the idea of hand-outs. Of being coddled. He does not want to stay home and get money for nothing. Nor does he want to be on light-duty or thought of as "weak". I thought those were terrible reasons because this incident was the sole responsibility and fault of our employer and could have resulted in more severe consequences had we not evacuated the area in time.

I tried to get Miles to think about his health, mentally and physically and to consider getting it recorded by a family doctor. He looked depressed and closed-off and then told me that this incident was only "the tip of the iceberg" compared to everything else going on in his life at the moment. He felt that "routine" by working and forgetting everything, was the solution to his ills.

That's three of the five. The next was Danny Yim, he didn't show up today. I'm not sure what his story is.

Later on, I would talk to my partner Bruce, who not only got the details of our location wrong (platform 14 instead of 19), but like Miles, didn't want to report any injuries or trauma, despite also suffering from headaches and nausea over the weekend. Telling me that his wife and daughter were shocked by his story and that he now "knew" what to do differently in this situation. The non-chalance about his having to work again on the coker, made me a bit upset. Who the hell would want to go back there where alarms didn't go off, ambulance response time was long and over 50ppm of H2S was reported on one of our monitors? What kind of a dummy would brush that all off?

He then told me about how he once fell off a scaffold a fair distance and cut his wrist. He then didn't report it, despite there being no edge rails and being a clear violation of safety standards. He smiled as he told me how he climbed back on the ladder to continue what he was doing. Like he was showing the scaffold who's "boss".

Depressing. Depressing as hell. These people aren't self-aware enough to know that when their health has been jeopardized and their safety compromised due to negligance, or the disrespect of management to place them back at their jobs; they make the rest of us look bad. Like this incident wasn't a big deal. Exactly what management wants to play it as. But it was a big deal. A HUGE deal. So much so that in the safety meeting today, they glossed over the incident, saying it was under investigation and that they didn't want to give specifics because they didn't have any to give. It was bullshit. I knew it was and have already heard what went wrong. Stone-walling and stalling, until finally this guy at my table, Trevor, yelled out "you guys really fucked this up" to which we heard an "excuse me?" from a Suncor rep, and he replied, "you guys really fucked up. Big time." loudly.

I smiled inside. The Suncor rep nodded at him, and one guy jokingly gave him the new nickname of "Big Balls" Trevor. Joking that he was going to be the first to be laid off.

It's a terrible situation I'm in. They have me cutting bands in the shop for light duty. Two weeks of this. And likely by the end of it, I'll be laid off or close to being laid off. They've been talking about this for a while now.

And.. I don't know what's going to happen at the end. I do have these headaches, I don't feel them as much in the morning, but they build up over the day. The tightness in my chest, that is present with me too.

I really want to write a detailed report of all this garbage. I really do want Suncor to be held accountable. I don't feel safe working at a refinery anymore. Not when this is the way they look after our own safety. It used to be that every accident or incident is the fault of careless workers, who should have noted the "hazard" on their FLRA cards and put in controls to manage it.

Well, how the heck do we manage a computer malfunction that ended up causing a gas explosion? How do we manage for alarms that didn't go off? Emergency not being contacted immediately and an ambulance being sent right away?

How?

Anyways, blog. I'm now cutting bands with this old guy who loves to hunt. He's grumpy and... sighs.. I'm not looking forward to two weeks of this.

I hate this job. I dislike my career.

I need to move on to something else.

But... I have no means of doing so.

I'm on fumes... paycheque to paycheque.

I'm hurting.

And Fola.. well.. more knives in my chest with that one. She's in Nanaimo with her family this week and I'm looking after her sister's cat Guimo.

I'm... again... lied to. Mislead. She said we were going to go to BC this year. We didn't.

We were supposed to go to Cuba this year. We didn't.

Three months ago was, "we should take a big trip soon" we didn't, and she ended up going to Boston and then Vancouver a few short weeks later. One for "work" related reasons which was bullshit. The other, too, was her having to go to a Shaman group meeting, but had her enjoying the sites and sounds of being in a new place and seeing the ocean, etc.

All those lies and false promises.

Getting sick of it my blog.

Really getting sick of it.

Yesterday had her talking about how she couldn't wait to go to Norway with me. I couldn't share her enthusiasm. I am still not forgetting how she promised we would go on a trip as soon as she got her pension money. Which she did, and spent already. I still haven't forgotten how she said she wanted to plan a trip and it was going to be a surprise...

And, fuck man.. she's left the province three times without me this year. And she wants to go to Brazil in the fall.

I am such a sucker.

I am.

I keep wanting to believe in love.

Instead, I am forced to disbelieve in it. I cannot trust her. She does not keep her word.

I'm tired, blog. Just wanted to jot this all down before I go to sleep.

So tired.

Good night.

Love you.

May tomorrow be a better day.

And the future that much brighter.

The Train Keeps a Rollin'

Hi blog, how are you? Yes, it has been a while hasn't it? Almost two months.

I thought about you off and on. Wanted to come here and post about the latest thing that is bothering me. Such as the drama between Fola, which is generally all that's really worth posting about I think.

She's sleeping in my bed right now. It's 3:30am and I have to go to work. Didn't have enough sleep, but I also couldn't sleep. Something about being in bed with her made me feel uncomfortable more than a few times that I decided to head downstairs, brew coffee and start typing.

Sighs. There is so much I haven't reported on. Her trip to Salem. The fight we had around there. Other fights. Other drama.

Right now, I'm dealing not with a fight, but a disconnect. It bothers me when she acts distant and distracted and last night was more of that.

When she gets that way, I start feeling less excited and interested in being with her.

What bothers me really, is the hypocrisy around our relationship. It wasn't too long ago when she said she would do her best to make this the most loving relationship she can. She hasn't. Not from what I saw last night and recently.

To be fair, she is starting a new job tomorrow and is nervous about it. I suppose I'm mentioning this because we haven't been intimate last night and I really wanted us to be.

When I sleep next to her, it feels like she's not even there. Its like she's a corpse. No warmth. No snuggling. No kisses. Touching her feels like nothing. Like, nothing is registering.

I find that I have to initiate most of the moments of intimacy that passes between us, and that is not good. Hugs, kisses... My attempts at keeping the spark alive doesn't seem to be met with much reciprocity. And that is not good either.

I don't know blog. That woman isn't giving me what I need. She is not keeping true to her word.

I've often wrote in the past about how much I want love in my life. A woman to love and be loved by and... this is not what I wanted. It is and it isn't. In our best moments, it can be, but only when mutual effort is put in. And even then, it feels more like my own efforts than it does for her.

A few days ago, she came over and I initiated sex. At first she was like, "I don't know. I kind of thought about sex before coming over, but I also didn't, I don't know... but you know what I mean."

No, I didn't know what she means. That ambivalence towards giving me something that I need and desire, doesn't help with getting me excited and motivated to please both her and myself.

It damages things.

And yet, she went through with it and it was great. It made no sense to voice doubts or complaints.

I think about the girl of my dreams and how we would spoon together in bed. How we would work to make each other laugh and smile and feel good. And I think of Georgina sometimes, and how she would do silly things like tie Darth Vadar to my bed, or decide to give me a blowjob in the kitchen for no apparent reason or effort on my part.

That's the kind of girl I want. The one that I know is acting to please me and is willing to be pleased by me.

And I don't quite understand why its not that way with Fola. It... She is complicated in a simple way. I think she's always had an issue with connecting emotionally with people. This isn't apparent until down the road, when one spends enough time with her.

I've seen how it is with her daughter. It almost feels like she starves Ivy of affection and attention in a way that makes her daughter craves it even more.

Kind of like what she is doing with me.

Turning us into slaves, I think, is an apt way of describing the effect of her unconscious behavior.

It seems that even with yesterday, when I try and do things perfectly. To please and excite her, I am not rewarded for my efforts. There is this wall or chasm she puts up that she will not take down between us. Despite being witness to the obvious attempt on my part to negate such things. To connect more fully and to bring more depth to our interactions.

It takes two to tango.

I don't know blog. I just don't know. About a week ago I received a spirit guide portrait I ordered through Etsy, done by a psychic in the UK. Costed me about 120$ for it, and I purchased two other readings by separate people so I could better triangulate information about whether or not I have a spirit guide or guides, assisting me through life.

And... It's inconclusive. The portrait I received showed a face of someone with plants/vines for hair.

That was the portrait one. The reading before that, told me that my guide was a woman and that she had an urgent message for me. The message was that Fola (not directly referenced by name) was working to spiritually undermine me.

Felt true enough to me. Whenever I'm in a good mood or feeling particularly connected to my higher-self and the world around me, she manages to tear it down and have me feel disoriented, confused and starved for validation.

The first reading I got, didn't impress me and offered little information beyond that my element is "fire" and that's really all I got among the general statements it made.

So, my triangulation was fruitless. I didn't find any contradictions between them and I didn't find much in common, either, apart from my guide being a woman.

Oh yeah, the second reading said my guide also had a message to me. Something about milking a cow and that "he will know what that means" and I clearly don't.

Yeah.. so.. Fola just texted asking me to go upstairs to cuddle with her.

The slave obeys.

Talk to you soon blog.

Love you.

Now, I must learn to love myself.