The Cosmic Wink

Well, here I am again blog. Not sure why I've been taking so long between posts but...

Here I am.

It sometimes gets overwhelming with the amount of events and situations that happens in my life that I feel I can't keep up with it all. Much less blog about it.

Just off the top of my head:

Got laid off just over a week ago
Went to Montreal with Fola
New King sized bedframe and mattress to be delivered
Fola is "working" with my ex-girlfriend Lauren who she randomly came across without knowing
At Sleep Country while looking for pillows, I had an amazing conversation with a lady named Amber about science and geeky things.
Also on that same day at a different Sleep Country with Fola; We were serviced by one of my exes. Amy, who I didn't quite recognize immediately.
Registered our "business" a few days ago

And so on and so forth.

There is so much to deal with and talk about that I don't know where to start.

Oh, and Fola is moving in next month. Beginning of January she says.

We'll see how that goes.

Yesterday she drove me nuts. Was in a good mood that morning until she insisted we take my car to our counselling appointment. Yes, we are seeing a counsellor.

She gets in the car and notices that one of the doors isn't closed. It was the rear-passenger side and she was in the driver's seat. What does she do? Instead of letting me close it (because I was closest), she decided to lean back violently and reach for the handle (which was too far for her to reach, anyways). What happens? My seat flattens out and won't return to it's original position. Ended up breaking the handle on the seat so now it's stuck at a near-full recline. Great. We had to take her car instead.

I owe 860$ after my income tax return was reassessed.

Sighs. Again... I don't know what to talk about or where to start.

I think... I've been looking at Fola not as a girlfriend or life-long partner; but as something else lately.

An agent of chaos. She would admit to this as well, I'm sure. At least from what I've seen of her and the things she says.

For instance, a passage in this workbook she was going through had a passage highlighted talking about how it's good to destroy things in order to make room for new growth.

Yesterday with the car seat and a few other dumb coincidences; it pointed to this very thing. My world falling apart and being destroyed.

Yet, replaced with new growth. Maybe.

We'll see.

So much to talk about that I don't know how to start. Just going to repeat this over and over in a kind of bemused, annoyed and mildly frustrated sort of way.

Agent of chaos.

When I think about that, it puts her presence in my life in a practical perspective.

For instance, now that I know that; it is my duty to present the exact opposite.

Order.

I have to bring order. This means to take responsibility, organize and get my shit together.

Be more disciplined. More sure about what I want and taking the necessary steps to get there.

More inclined to say no to the things that I am asked to do or disagree with.

For instance... Fola...

Sighs... I don't like talking about her on here. I've talked about her so much that I dislike making yet another post with her as a topic.

But... this is what an agent of chaos does. They get into your head. They distract. They overload.

They consume you with trivialities so that the important things are more difficult to get done.

Focus is lost or distorted or misaligned.

Wrapping me up in her drama... daily dramas, is having a detrimental effect.

And that is because I am allowing it to have power over me.

Because I genuinely am a curious and inquisitive person who is interested in the going-ons of other people that I love and care about.

And even with those that I don't.

... I don't know what else to be writing here.

But I'm glad to be writing. To be making this effort.

Organizing my thoughts through the keyboard.

That's important. Even if there is nothing really important being talked about.

I think writing is a way of organizing my thoughts and polishing them up. Exercising these neural pathways and sharpening my objectivity and ability to be present and content with who I am and where I find myself.

Whatever shall be will be. No matter my reaction to any of it.

All I can do is to keep faith. Believe in myself and work towards that which I desire.

Despite all the distractions.

That's what chaos does. Provide distractions and temptations and false promises.

Sometimes it is completely ignorant. Despite my attempts to straighten things out.

Making me feel weak and powerless in the moment.

And if history has taught me anything, my moments of weakness does not necessarily mean that I am and always have been a weak individual.

I have had my moments of personal triumph.

I've risen to the occasion when pressure demands it.

I am still a passionate and good human being no matter how often I may feel otherwise.

Dead and drained and unsure of myself.

Still alive... still me. Even if it is caked over with layers of bullshit.

Still believe in God and in the goodness of others.

Still willing to dedicate myself in service of a higher principle and truth.

Still with faith.

Still with intelligence.

Still with charisma and humor and good things.

Even when it often it covered by the mud of chaos.

I am that I am.

And always shall be.

Crumble

I'm such an idiot for hanging on like this.

These conversations we're having are going nowhere. I can make an articulate argument and it gets ignored and tossed aside.

The question: "what is your main goal?" from her tells me that she does not know me and has no interest in paying attention to a question that I answered in text a day earlier.

I want to be in a happy family.

I want to feel loved and appreciated.

I want someone worth coming home to who feels the same of me.

Someone who knows that living together is the next most important step. Someone who WANTS to move in. Who is excited about it.

Not someone who keeps making excuses. Comparing me with her ex. Saying that she's concerned I'll take advantage of her because she makes more money than I do.

Or someone who says "listen to my meditation and I'll move in with you" but will provide another excuse not to.

Fuck.

Why do I have to listen to her talk about how I don't support her passion and how she is taking these leaps of faith with the things she does but does not have faith enough in this relationship to live together? Or awareness and honesty enough to see how I have been supporting her passions.

One day she'll say "I'm connected to the Pleidian race of aliens!" and if I ask why she thinks that, she'll respond with a shoulder shrug and a "I dunno" and WILL consider me to be an unsympathetic douchebag if I recoil in disgust and try to talk sense into her.

Oh wait, she did say that.

"are you going to rent a place, buy one or move in with me?"

"Idk"

Okay. She doesn't know.

She's... Not in her right mind about many of the things she does and says.

She is such a feeling creature. No logic, little facts, will invent shit and stir drama to propagate a false narrative. Usually so that I look bad when I express frustration at her indecisiveness and lack of integrity or respect for me.

She just wants magical things to happen and for her to feel good. Doesn't matter how. Doesn't matter what she needs to bring to the table or having to keep her word.

She'll joke about my buying her an engagement ring or say something like "I wish I could show more commitment to you" and the next week completely behaves in the opposite direction.

I notice her sabotaging this relationship and at this point, I'm feeling powerless to stop it.

Because I can't win a battle against an insane person. I can't... Make her feel responsible or accountable for things that she promises and says but doesn't follow through on.

I feel... This lack of care in defending myself against her false accusations. Not wanting to meet her friends? Not being supportive of her passions?

Just false. Sometimes it feels like a straight up lie when she ignorantly says these things.

Apparently the purpose of our relationship on a soul level is for her to step into her power and learn self love.

Her words, not mine.

That great connection we had? That instant familiarity? The moments of magic and synchronicity were all because she needed to learn herself, apparently.

This is the girl who when I met her had convinced her husband to sleep around with random people. Because she was absolutely certain she couldn't be monogamous and polyamory is who she "really" is.

I'm just a guy who didn't inspire her to be monogamous or to divorce her husband. I didn't inspire her at all other than to learn to love herself more and to "step into her power".

How far we've fallen from her calling me a twin flame or Gail calling her a twin flame woman. She'll ignore all that. These things don't fit the narrative she is looking to create right now.

She won't express gratitude or acknowledge my role in all this. I'm just a freak catalyst who is helping her to love more before she moves on to whatever other flighty whim she feels she should entertain.

So much for her fulfilling what I think is her soul contract. So much for her wanting to make our relationship strong and to express commitment towards it.

All that stuff about twin flames and living together and dream homes and trips was just to keep me excited and continue to invest energy into this person who by her obvious action (and lack of) is demonstrating that none of what she says is anything worth taking seriously.

Like being connected to aliens.

In a way I feel pity for her.

I want to help but I realize that I've given so much of my time and energy into a narcissist who is unwilling to learn from past mistakes and to develop into someone worthy of respect.

I can't respect someone who enthusiastically wants to move in one day, but changes her mind in a week because "angels" basically told her to wait.

Like I said, I can't win against insanity.

She is not in a right state of mind.

And I feel helpless. I want to...

... I don't think I can help her realize how important our relationship is. There's been enough indications that we have something truly special that deserves to be treated with care and taken seriously.

I've... Tried breaking up with her before but something keeps bringing me back.

I suppose maybe this was never supposed to last but there are important lessons to be learned. For the both of us.

She is going to forget all about this twin flames thing and will say that my only role is to have her step into self love.

And, her being the narcissist she is, will not have an explanation or idea for what role she is supposed to be playing in my life.

Why? Because it doesn't matter to her to be thinking about what role she is supposed to play. Or what changes she is supposed to inspire in me.

It's all about her.

Guess I'm banging my head against the wall and she is pointing and laughing as I do it.

Occasionally she'll make me feel really good to have me stick around and continue to bear the brunt of her ignorance.

I have long said many times on my blog that I feel true evil and sin comes from a place of wilful ignorance.

It is knowing that something is wrong or hurtful but deciding to do it anyways without caring about the consequences.

Without care or compassion for the other person.

She knows how much I value love and she is using it against me.

She is attacking me where I am weakest.

By promising things and creating expectations that she has no intention of fulfilling.

She wants me to believe that they will magically happen on their own.

If she breaks up with me, I'm going to feel sorry for the next fellow she encounters.

But who knows, maybe she will be a different person then. Not such a narcissist who continually invents drama and teases with a carrot dangling on a stick.

But I doubt that will happen.

I have a hard time seeing real goodness and compassion in her. She can't fake these qualities for long.

But she'll definitely fool the next guy for a long while.

And she'll probably even fool herself. Maybe she'll tell him he's her true twin flame and I'll be a tiny footnote in her life journey.

I don't see her as a healer.

I see her as someone desperate to be healed.

If only she would let me.

If only she would want to do the same for me.

Making love to her and looking deeply into her eyes is about the only time I can recognize the love between us and the beauty I see of her soul.

She is trapped by her ego.

And wants to change the world.

Whatever that means.

However that looks.

I suppose helping people with problems over Skype is her idea of doing that.

Forget what I told her about how I think a happy couple in love is inspirational enough to change the world on its own.

Just by being in love, we can show others that it's possible. That it exists. That there is still reason to have hope for this world despite how negative and bleak it has become.

Love endures and thrives like a flower growing inside of a crack in a concrete sidewalk.

No matter what, it endures.

And that has always been a beautiful thing to see.

Playing with Selfishness

Sighs. Well, here we go again. Back to work after eight... wait.. 11... months off?

It's been so long.

Almost a year and I took a call for an 11/3 shift up in Fort McMurray.

Talking about it with Fola prior to leaving, I had tears of bitterness roll down my cheek.

I don't want to be here. This is not the life that I desire to have.

I don't enjoy insulating anymore. Being at the mercy of the weather outside. The tight spots with hot pipes and burn hazards, tripping hazards, loud noises, evacuation alarms, and... all that paperwork to fill out for every single thing we do.

Want to use a harness? paperwork.

Working at heights? paperwork. Also, we need you to wear tool lanyards so you get extra annoyed with using tools attached to ropes that easily get tangled and doesn't stretch out far enough at times to do the task required.

Paperwork. Inconveniences. So much red tape.

Sometimes it takes a couple of hours for us to even begin starting a job.

I don't like it. Yesterday it was pouring rain and in the old days, they would send us home or people would elect to leave and go, but not this place because our company gets paid for us to be there so we are pressured and intimidated and shamed into staying no matter how bad the weather is.

My pants were soaked. Had a rainjacket, but it doesn't do anything to keep water out from my gloves or going down the back of my neck or soaking into my boots.

Anyways... I'm making money again. I've managed to stop the financial bleeding I've been experiencing these past few months.

Still need a lot more to cover my debts.

And... Yeah.. I guess I do deserve this. I... couldn't... find another job. I didn't even.. know what that other job could be, other than a peer support worker but.. it didn't show up in the job bank.

Guess it wasn't meant to be.

Not now, anyways.

And.. I'm looking at the title of this post and... I don't feel like typing out my grievances.

Change of heart. Yes, I'm playing with being more selfish. I'm tired at the end of each work day and could use a lift from my girlfriend which I don't feel I get.

I... feel like she's more interested in talking about herself and what she's doing instead of me.

So.. I'm not all of my usual eager and inquisitive self. Feels like I'm her therapist at times and... it can be draining.

I need to look out for myself. I have been seriously... putting more focus on my needs and wants. I have to envision a possible future with a girlfriend. Without Fola.

She talked about wanting to move in, but still hasn't. Doesn't even mention it, really. Just talks about needing to find a place despite knowing that I've offered her to stay in mine for over a year.

It would've really helped me financially.

We had a big fight about this a few weeks ago that I haven't discussed on my blog.

She asked me a few months ago "if I moved in, would it help you financially?" and of course I said it would.

But does she move in or make plans to move in? No.

Just another tease.

There's no... commitment here...

Apparently I live too far away for her to make the sacrifice of driving an extra 15-20 minutes,

Makes me feel special.

I'm being sarcastic, as you can probably tell.

I'm also exhausted. So much drama with this girl...

Like... our website. I told her I needed a break from it because I felt like I was doing most of the work. I told her it's her website too, and she should be able to work on it as well.

What happens? Since then, she's done nothing on it.

Admits it too. Blames her family for taking up too much of her time.

But, get this! She was able to do an hour long podcast with some friend of hers, work on her "You filled life" Facebook group, and has offered to volunteer at some spiritual care centre twice a month and a support group each week.

I'm not even...

It's such a joke.

She was so enthusiastic about our business, but the moment I needed a pause and for her to pick up some weight, she goes off and does other things.

No focus.

When I am struggling financially, she doesn't think to ask or assist in any way until I make it explicit.

I mean... how much money does she think I actually have if I have ZERO income coming in for nearly 4 months? My EI ran out in April.

... Maybe it's my fault for not stressing the severity of my situation enough.

I don't know...

But...

I'm exhausted.

I call her pet names to cheer her up. But when I call her, she answers with "hello" and doesn't seem to care about putting a smile to the tone of her voice.

Can't joke around with her all that well either.

I try and open up about certain things that happened during my day or to share deep thoughts with her and they often get glossed over or ignored.

And.. she'll say things like... "I thought you already ate" when I told her I...

Fuck it man... I'm not going to air out all my grievances with her.

I need to look out for myself. She is not going to strive to make my life better in any meaningful way.

She offered to do my laundry this Saturday but... that's not the kind of help I need from her.

I can do my own laundry. What does she think? That I'll sit on the couch playing video games while she does it? I guess that's sort of nice, but I feel like a useless lazy prick if she did that for me and we don't live together.

I don't know man... maybe I'm complaining too much. Asking for more than I deserve.

But... talking with my mom immediately after Fola and I am struck by the differences between these two.

There's more warmth and compassion in my mother's pinkie than there is in Fola's entire body.

Maybe ... Maybe I'm not understanding something...

Live and let live... Maybe I'm holding her to a difficult to reach standard...

But then again.. I remember Georgina...

She had that warmth my mother has.

And I failed to appreciate it.

My mom liked her. Would've loved her had she been around her more.

Instead, I... failed.

Didn't.... put in the effort with that girl.

And... I'm putting in the effort with this one and I get stuff like "want to do a holotropic breathwork workshop?" at... 200$ a session when I'm fighting to get out of debt.

Now I'm just complaining and being bitter. Wishing my girlfriend was... more like someone else.

I don't know what to say about this anymore. Not sure what to do to make things better.

I've complained about poor communication a few weeks ago. Really went on a rant for two days about it to make sure she understood how important it was for me to know when she is on the way over to my place, and not to leave out important little details.

What happens? She comes over to my place and sits outside in her car for an hour. After telling me she was going to be there around 545pm. It was 7pm when I decided to say fuck it and leave the house.

Turns out she was on a "coaching call" that she didn't bother to tell me about. Didn't tell me when she was leaving her place either. So much for that 545pm date.

I get so frustrated with her.

... I don't know what else to write here.

I want my life to mean something. To matter.

And I don't think she is going to be able to assist me in doing it.

...

She's in six different directions all at once. Coaching calls, coaching sessions, witchcraft things, breathwork, podcasts, wanting to quit her job, not wanting to quit her job, wanting to move in, not wanting to move in.

I'm tired.

I'm exhausted.

My battery is low.

Off I go to sleep. Five more days to go before my days off.

Five more days.

Standstill

Ugh. I've been feeling down for the past while. Just... not happy with myself or where I am going.

I'm still unemployed. Still... feeling defeated... And... I don't want to point fingers but I think I know what the cause of these feelings are.

And I don't know what to do about it.

My... writing has taken a beating these past couple of years. I have lost a lot of my passion for it. I sometimes struggle with putting words down and it's... it hurts remembering how much I enjoyed doing it and how much I dreamed about writing a book.

...

I'm... feeling like... I've lost myself and that I don't care. Or maybe that I've given up on fighting to reclaim my authenticity. That it's easier to pretend and dismiss and allow myself to get broken down without protest.

I just want peace. Happiness. Love in my life and I... I seem to be failing at it.

I can't seem to find peace. The only times when I feel genuinely at peace is when I'm either playing video games, or watching a good movie or... when I'm truly comfortable sitting by myself alone and undisturbed.

But... I don't... haven't been feeling at peace lately. Despite those things.

There's just this... avoidance... that I think I'm mistaking for peace. It's not really contentment. It's..

Distraction.

Maybe I'm fully depressed and hate myself but won't admit it. So... I distract myself.

That's likely it.

I don't want to talk about my relationship with Fola because it seems like that's all I've been doing on here. I feel chained by her. She... creates drama for no reason. I've noticed that when I'm at my happiest, she'll do or say something to tear it all down.

Over and over.

I have to be honest, I can't see a future with her. She likes to talk about us moving in together but has no road map of what that would look like. She said she doesn't want to move to the Fort and so... what options does that leave? Her reasoning is that Ivy is going to school in a place that is far away from where I am. But... she is still living with her sister and doesn't want to buy a house of her own.

Is she going to move out from there and rent a place? She said she looked into it, but that's all it is. No action taken. No real interest in doing so.

So, if she's not going to buy or rent a place and if she's not going to move into my home, then what?

It's a joke. And... I don't know what kind of mistake it would be if she did live with me.

I don't know anymore.

I... want to find my way back. To how I was once... but this woman makes it difficult.

It's the little things as well as the big ones. She'll be on my couch trying to catch a fly and not succeeding, but I do it and instead of her being impressed, she says "oh you killed it" which I admit I did do by accident.

Just making me feel like shit.

I ask her questions in texts that she doesn't answer. Ignores or just answers in a way that raises more questions. Last night she sent me a link asking me what my thoughts were on this MLM. She knows how much I dislike MLMs but doesn't explain why I am being sent this link.

I asked her if she thinks this MLM is a good idea. No response. I asked her where did she come across it. No answer.

She answers... but not the questions I asked.

I hate it.

Then I look at this link to see what it is. Looks like a MLM site that talks about MLMs and I sent her this long analysis of what I thought it was. Only... it was the wrong link she sent me. The link I had was an article about the MLM she was asking me about. Not the site of the actual MLM. All the article said was MLM made 5 million dollars or some such in revenue that month.

Wasted my time analyzing the site she had me on. All she had to do was send the URL for the MLM and not an article about it.

I'm not explaining this properly I guess.

I don't know how we're supposed to start a business together. I think it's going to be a mess. We're not going to get along. Case in point, regarding our biographical profiles on the site, I asked her if she thinks first person or third person is better. She wanted first person. Then, a week later, she listens to some podcast about coaching and the guy says that third person is best. So now she's all about wanting the bio to be written in third-person because this "expert" says so.

But guess what? Going onto his site, his bio is written in first-person. Talk about hypocrisy.

It's so much wasted time...

She's... going in circles... not really doing much. Listening to all this stuff but not explaining or remembering anything. It's just... "write your bio in third person" and she can't explain to me what the advantage is when I ask her why. It's just... a robot that isn't able to think for itself. Just parrots what other people says and ignores what I say. Ignores critical thinking altogether.

Same with that MLM she sent me. Why are you wasting my time with it? Are you interested in joining this MLM? What's so interesting about it? Is someone trying to recruit you?

She doesn't offer these answers to me. I have to basically interrogate her to find out what the situation is. And even then, she doesn't have an explanation for certain things. Why is she interested? Heck if I know. Apparently some friend of hers is in it and she forwarded that link over to Fola who thought for some reason that I needed to see (and analyze) it as well.

Despite the big fight we once had about her interest in Amway. It's like she isn't learning from past experience at all.

And... man... what a test this is. How do I remain autonomous and happy with myself when having to deal with all this? Is it possible? I imagine that removing myself completely is the easiest solution but is that what I need to do? Just run? Ignore?

Or have equanimity and tolerance and compassion and strength?

Maybe these are the things I need to develop for myself. To learn.

Despite the obstacles thrown in my way. The antagonism. The... small ways in which she hurts our relationship.

Her mood changes... I still don't know how to deal with those.

I...

I need more help with this. I can't do it on my own.

If I can't see a future with her then what am I doing staying involved?

Why am I putting up with all this drama? These false expectations?

Talking about moving in together but does nothing to make it happen.

Complains about her job despite how well it pays and how little she actually works.

And... the lack of empathy... Like, on the weekend I brought up Unbreakable which she said she isn't sure she's seen. We've wanted to watch Split together for a while, so she suggested we watch Unbreakable, Split and then Glass. So... I rent Glass for 7 bucks and she messes around with her phone ignoring the film. Then annoys me by taking videos of me in Snapchat while I'm trying to watch, having cat ears and whiskers superimposed on my face after my telling her that I didn't appreciate her doing so.

And... then she asks me why I am being annoyed and I have to explain in detail all the reasons why. It's... dumb. She seemed genuinely clueless as to why I am annoyed and then complains that I'm not being affectionate towards her afterwards, like somehow it's all my fault.

Look... I didn't pay 7 dollars of money that I don't have for you to goof around during a film that you said you wanted to watch. The other two movies we watched were fine and went well. But not this one. Maybe Glass is boring, but that's no reason to shit on my enjoyment of it by goofing around with the phone.

And her non-answers... "What are you doing?" I asked, watching her pick up the phone and fiddle with it. "Oh, just checking stuff on the phone"

I know she's "checking stuff" ... but what? Why is the movie being interrupted? Turns out she just wants to flick around in her Facebook feed for no reason.

Why can't she offer specifics? It bothers me that these non-answers happen so frequently.

It feels like I expend energy wasting my time with these questions. It's like I can't have my curiosity satisfied because she doesn't think I need to be indulged with an explanation or reason for anything. Same with that link she sent me about the MLM. No explanation or reason as to why it's sent. Just plop it on me with a "what do you think?" and of course, she has no thoughts of her own because she hasn't bothered to looking into it at all.

I don't get it.

I'm tired of all this.

Being in business with her.. God... that... I don't know, man. She wants to constantly put videos out. I just want to get the website done first. Let's focus on getting it running before we focus on what house to buy with our millions of dollars that we're going to make from this.

She's not a realist in the least. Just entitled and self-absorbed.

And she's my girlfriend.

My apparent soul mate or twin flame.

I don't know anymore what to do.

I need help.

I need to connect with myself again.

Help.

Help. Please.

Isolation

Hello blog, me again, figured I should type out a few things.

Fola is on day... five of a ten day Vissapana meditation retreat. She's not allowed to use her phone while there, so that means total and utter silence from her.

I don't get to see or hear from her for 10 days.

Strangely, there is a bit of liberation in all this. I feel freed but also somewhat imprisoned. What I mean is that its like I'm more in a prison of my own making, despite the many distractions Fola provides, I'm now left to my own devices and I feel strangely... alone and shackled.

I suppose I should be rejoicing about having a break to find myself. To pursue whatever it is I want to do but all I seem to be doing is playing a lot of video games and hanging out at the park.

Not fun. Very aimless and... unfocused. There is not much in the way of personal progress as much as I would have liked.

Just did my tax return. A balance of 6 grand is coming in which will pay my property taxes and give me a bit of money left over for surviving. And that is what it is right now as I am unemployed for nearly a year. Surviving.

I don't know where to go or what to do with my life. I don't want to insulate but that doesn't matter anyways as there isn't any work in the union hall that I could apply for. There was a call last week that I tried to get but it was filled and I couldn't get in.

I am realizing that my life is sliding into nothingness. Just stagnant and unchanging and not... attempting to move forward. I blamed Fola for this in the past as she was distracting me and crippled my motivation due to her emotional antics. Just before she left she told me about how a friend of hers called her up and suggested she organize a retreat for some YouTuber in Britian who would come here to present on topics such as consciousness... and, thats all I really know. She didn't even see what this guy is like or gave any reason to be excited about this particular idea and yet she was. Really excited. "This will be a good opportunity for us!" and yet... doesn't explain why and hasn't even THOUGHT about the costs involved and the work required for such an undertaking. Just flying that guy in from the UK is going to be a few thousand bucks. How is such an expense going to be recouped? Will people here buy tickets to see some guy (apparently he has 50k+ subscribers on his channel) talk about consciousness and spirituality?

Then there is the problem of organizing. Booking a place for him to speak is going to cost money. His flight is going to cost money. Marketing/advertising is going to cost money. Is she seriously thinking that this is a good opportunity for us to pursue?

A part of me is screaming to let her go off and do whatever she wants. For her to learn from her mistakes and wash my hands free of this mess. I do not want to be saddled with having to become a planner or accessory to this scheme of hers. This is on top of her wanting to start a business together, on top of her already having a business (which made less than a few hundred bucks last year, unreported income) and... she was talking about this app some colleagues of hers want to design, which again would cost thousands of dollars and much effort to do.

Oh, and the "workshop" she wants us to create for Sundra Healing. Which by the way, she can't seem to be able to put together. That is in spite of the many ideas I've given her regarding it. I was initially excited at the challenge and gave her an idea of how to do it, but she didn't like my idea, or the other ideas since and so it continues to remain in limbo.

Last year we fought about her being recruited by Amway. She was going to drive down to Calgary because a friend of hers suggested she should.

I think her... sense of logic and business and... ambition is completely unrealistic and delusional.

There is some hope with the business that I've come up with, though. An online spiritual mentorship/coaching site. It's a good idea with a good concept and yet, that too is in limbo at the moment as I haven't worked on it in a few weeks.

My day to day life is uninteresting and uninspired. I feel sensations within me at random hours of the day. I KNOW it has something to do with her being at the retreat. I can't deny that I'm feeling certain things in her absence knowing that it is connected to her and whatever it is she is doing/thinking (likely meditating).

And that is really something that she is doing. Ten days of no phone or distractions to meditate almost all day long. She gets up at 4am. Goes to bed around 10pm. In between are two meal breaks and a bit of alone time. I wonder how she is doing. Initially I resisted her jumping impulsively into doing this but perhaps it will make a difference in how she is afterwards.

Maybe she will be more self-aware and thoughtful and less impulsive afterwards.

A part of me is wondering how she will feel after. Such as her feelings towards me in particular. Will she "love" me more or less? Before she left she said she hoped this retreat will aid in her letting go of things that no longer serve her. I had the thought that maybe it would include me, assuming she comes about to thinking that I'm not in alignment with her impulsive goals and ideas.
We had a bit of an argument before she left about this retreat idea. I hate that when I raise an objection that she takes it as an attack and becomes defensive and unwilling to engage with me logically. Really, why is this retreat a good opportunity for us? I would be VERY surprised if we could break even on the costs. Never mind making a profit.

Those ideas of hers... It's like she doesn't want to follow my lead but also does. She wants veto power. She wants easy and effortless and exciting and...

Fuck, man. These things take work. They take focus and concentration and idea generation and things that she doesn't seem to have. Fiscal responsibility and management... I mean, I am willing to help with all these things but she dismisses them. When I brought up the objection I had about this retreat idea saying how much it would all cost (minimum), she said it would "potentially cost thousands of dollars", acknowledging what I said but not providing any reason to believe that this would be a successful venture.

The more I think about her the more troubled I get. And yet... despite the co-dependancy and disrespect and... thoughtlessness... I still have feelings for her and I still feel these strange sensations in my chest which I think might be credited towards her. Or something that is of divine origin.

I don't like accepting this but accept it I must. I know it's wishful thinking to think she is my "twin flame" but there really is something going on with us that needs to be seen to it's rightful conclusion. I can't deny that at all. No matter how rational I am about it. There is something profound governing our relationship and I've seen and experienced so much that points towards this fact. Almost like it was "designed" and certain situations are set up so that certain lessons are learned.

It's bananas. I am basically believing in determinism. What it feels most like right now is that all this was designed before our birth, outside of linear time, and all these events have been constructed so that certain emotions/struggles/insecurities are brought to light in... I guess... for the reason of transcending or learning from them to become better individuals.

And honestly it feels like we are failing. Although if I truly believe in this manufactured "destiny" between us, it should also mean that this is exactly how everything needs to be.

And again... I've seen plenty of evidence to suggest that this is the case. That everything IS unfolding exactly as it needs to.

My battery died and this post showed up. Guess I'll publish it though it's unfinished.

Re-Run

Had to read my last post before posting this one because I wasn't sure if I mentioned Cuba already. It's been so long and I'm surprised my sense of time is off and that it's only been a few weeks.

I... am ashamed of that last post. Reading it felt alien to me. This admission of terrible vulnerability and uncertainty and... calling Cuba an inspiration which lasted such a short amount of time.

A meaningful page each day... I keep telling myself to do things and they aren't happening. Would rather distract myself with meaningless things. I've noticed this earlier about myself and it's something I'm trying hard to be mindful of. This... reaching out to anything that takes my mind off of reality. Sex, tv shows, movies, video games, books... the stock market.

Anything. And time... feels like it's zipping by and I don't have much to show for it.

Yesterday I was productive and did a lot of work on the website that Fola and I are starting. It earned me some mild kudos, I suppose, but truthfully it didn't feel like she was all that enthusiastic about the amount of work I was putting in. She did like a few things I done, but overall, I hardly feel encouraged to really give it my best effort.

And I should. Why am I dawdling? Don't I think that starting a mentorship business would be good for me? For us?

I don't know.

Part of me is wondering how it's going to go with Fola as a business "partner" and that part of me is cringing, knowing all the arguments and disagreements we've gone through. There's very little we see eye to eye on and there most likely will be a situation that will demand a compromise, in which she is not going to agree with or work towards. Effectively, her calling all the shots.

I know I like having control over these things but I also know that I try to be reasonable and to find solutions we can agree upon. With her though, I don't have much confidence in resolving situations that could be challenging.

Think about if we had kids... challenging situations for a man who is hearing-impaired and unsure about the direction his life needs to go in? Kids would make it 3x worse.

Or better. I don't know.

Best maybe to not find out.

Then again, I was telling Fola about my time in school growing up. I had always needed to rise to the occasion whenever my marks were slipping or a teacher expresses doubt about a particular thing I've done or need to be doing. It felt like I've had to deal with adversity and surprised a few people here and there while having to do so.

Today was interesting. Ran into Carlos near Tim Horton's in the morning and chatted with him for a bit. He said he moved to the Fort from Bruderheim and told me his address. Went to check it out and then hung out in an isolated area for a few minutes. He shows up again. Almost like I've got a transponder placed by him onto my vehicle.

He then invites me into his house and says he's going to roll a joint. His dog is named Mopar, and the place is fairly run down and recently-moved in. Lots of boxes to be unpacked and most of them were car-related things. Like, remote-controlled cars of which he had thousands of dollars worth.

I don't know... I felt kind of sad seeing all this. Here is a man that is wanting to make a connection with me and I'm kind of ambivalent about the whole thing. I keep running into him and it seems fated for me to hang out, but...

I don't know. Seems like I'm afraid or not interested in having a deep connection with a stranger/friend/other guy/etc.

The reason why I'm introspective like this, is because I got high and barely made it home without freaking out at the buzz I was feeling. It got intense towards the end of the drive. Nicotine sure added fuel to the crazy mind-spinning sensation I had going for a few minutes. Glad I was able to drive safely and keep it together.

Now what... I'm writing on my blog... should finish my taxes and work on that website some more but I'm resisting it. Had some epiphanies about the direction my life is heading and I can't say I feel inspired by them. An ignorant demoralization seems about as best as I can describe. I thought about Fola and Ivy and moving in and how my mom doesn't seem happy about her being my girlfriend and I thought of her crazy parents and...

There's so much to deal with. So much drama.

No wonder I want to keep distracting myself. No wonder I feel demoralized at having to deal with all this.

Sometimes I don't feel like I can handle what's on my plate.

And there's not all that much on it.

I feel like an insolent spoiled child and I give in to moments of shame about it.

I can talk about what I should and shouldn't be doing right now but... the fact is that it is so difficult for me to focus on any of these things. I don't understand why that is. An erosion of confidence is about my best guess.

Erosion of faith. Lack of connection with who I am and what my potential is.

Not really moving towards anything. Despite the work I did on the website yesterday, those hours felt small and insignificant, though I know that they weren't.

For years I've wanted to write a book... And... I'm stopped dead in my tracks. Can't seem to muster the excitement and energy to do so, Feels like... nobody would care even if I did write it.

If my girlfriend hasn't asked me about my writing for over a year, why should I take her seriously now? She didn't care then and she is only pretending to care. That's... not being supportive.

And we had a tiny fight this morning as she left my place. I pulled out a coupon from the book she gave me for Christmas and decided I wanted dinner at my favourite restaurant. I decided on Pampa and she immediately complained about how I picked an expensive one.

Not much of a girlfriend there. Yes, Pampa is somewhat expensive and yet, the food is incredibly good. I don't go there often which is why I wanted to use the card as a reason to.

She apologized later for saying it like that, but still... damage is done. Hard to feel loved by her at times when her initial reaction is often the truest one. Everything after is a smokescreen.

I'm pretty torn about her and our relationship. It feels like I can't get comfortable with it at times, and I also feel like it's within my ability to get comfortable and to make it work.

But, I have to feel like she's wanting to make it work too. Trying her best.

Maybe she is. Although "best" is cliched and overused and has lost a lot of it's meaning.

I don't know... Feels like I'm suffering from a weakened connection with my spirit as well. With spirit in general. That has sustained me for a while and now it feels.. distant....

I still pray... but... I wished I prayed with more of a heart. Not this obligatory "our Father" that gets put out there like a script and a brief amount of "thank you" and thought afterwards before shutting it down and going to sleep. I'd like for it to mean more than it does.

I want it to be like it used to. Magical. Meaningful. Nourishing.

Not an obligation.

I suppose there is something to be said for loyalty, but there's something to be said for taking such a flippant approach to my connection with God.

I think it all comes and goes in waves.

I don't want to wait until I hit the bottom to really want to feel that connection and work my way towards deepening it. I want that connection now. In my good times and bad and in-between.

Not just when things are tough and confusing and uncertain.

These video games and distractions... ugh. I know Fola is going to call me in a half hour and ask me about this guy and what did I do today. I can't say much other than "this guy got me high and I fell asleep listening to music then got up, played some Battlefront and wrote a post on my blog".

That's not anything admirable or indicative of progress. Is it?

It's raining outside and... well.. it's gloomy. Planned on working on my garden today but that's not happening.

I need to lose weight. Need to find a job. Tried applying for one from the hall last week but it got filled and I didn't get it.

And... Carlos is wanting me to come over after work. But I don't feel like it. Would rather stay home.

Well...

Back to how everything is.

The Inevitable Return

We're back from Cuba and boy, was it something.

A part of me feared it would be awkward. That there would be something along the lines of the Arizona trip where we'd fight or get angry at something and a big show would be made of it.

Thankfully, it only happened once, and it was resolved fairly quickly. Thanks to Fola and her sincere desire to put her ego aside and make peace.

It was decadent. Every day was unlimited food and unlimited drinks. Well, every day except for Thursday which was when we went with a tour group to Havana. Had ham and cheese sandwiches and a basic dinner, both of which were quite good, despite how low-cost the food was.

Cappucinos every day. Multiple times per day. Pina Coladas like a gushing spring in the ground bubbling up. I wasn't used to it and even on the last day, I still felt odd about how everything was all-inclusive.

And the trip to Havana was sobering. Cuba is such a poor country that I felt... this threat of ignorant entitlement lurking beyond the peripherals of my senses. There was this feeling of being an entitled tourist who gets to enjoy all the food and drink and beauty of Cuba without any of the drawbacks. There was none of the poverty in our resort which we saw copious amounts of on our drive to the city.

Fola had a conversation with our tour guide asking her what the rate of depression was in the country. Was there a lot of people with mental illnesses? She mentioned how Canada has 1 in 5 people suffering from a disorder and the tour guide shook her head saying that depression and mental issues was rare to find in this country. Despite the impoverished conditions. I found that to be quite enlightening and interesting to hear.

Despite the people living under such scarcity, they were happy. I could see the interconnectedness of all things as we toured about. How people were more connected to the environment and to each other. Firmly entrenched in the reality of their lives. There was little illusion about their purpose and meaning in life. For them, relationships and family were of the utmost importance. To them, simplicity and lack of material possessions merely brought about a humility that is absent from Western culture. It was inspiring to see such dignity in most of the people we saw walking around the street, outside their homes drinking among friends and working on their houses or in the fields.

And... now that I am back, I look at all this as a delusion. This... bubble of entitlement that we are all under the spell of. This consumption-oriented culture that demands fulfillment through money and status. Nice homes. Nice cars. Well-paying job and prestige. Taking vacations yearly to countries where we are lavished and treated like royalty.

We all want to be kings and queens in the west. Sometimes we arrogantly bring this attitude to other countries and demand the treatment that we aspire towards back home, with none of the hard work that often gives such reward for the prestige we greatly desire to obtain.

It feels strange for me to watch TV again. Tried watching Game of Thrones last night and couldn't finish it. Didn't have much interest. Tried watching season 2 of Cobra Kai, and felt my interest waning in the idea of sitting in front of a square in which images and sound are shown to me. It feels so superficial and ignorant of the reality in which we live. A culture of opportunity and blessings conferred to those that embrace it fully without falling into the trap of entitlement and delusion.

The reality is that we don't need to constantly strive for riches and to indulge our materialism. We need only to consider such gains as byproducts of living an authentic life that is rooted in humility. Such rewards mirrors the feeling one has while running a marathon. It is not the finish line that should excite and entertain us. It is the doing, itself.

It is the present moment. The here and now and not the future. Nor the past. It is the momentum of moving consciously from minute to minute and being appreciative of all that we have and who we are as individuals. Our sense of identity is integrated with the people around us. It does not exist inside of a bubble separate from everything else.

I've known and wanted this for a while. To feel connected and accepted and happy with who I am and where I fit in. But it's hard to realize such an attitude when one is struggling to find their place. To really feel like a part of a machine that is benevolent and generous and full of joy and wonder. I don't think western culture promotes unity in the same way it does in poorer countries. In those places, isolationism is a death wish. People cannot live without people. Period.

That was my biggest takeaway from the trip. I did have a lot of fun. Met some very nice people. A couple from England who both wore hearing aids and almost all of the Cubans we met were proud and noble and very grounded in their sense of self.

And... the connection I was having with Fola was strong at times. I don't know how much of it is going to change our relationship from here on out, but over there, we had our moments of bonding and coming to understand each other more.

It's funny how after two years together, we still have trouble figuring out who we each are. On the level of the individual and the relationship. Our needs and wants and moods are in a constant state of unpredictability and confusion. But, we are getting better as we go along. Learning more and more each day. About ourselves and each other.

Today is a new day. I felt strange looking at the stock market this morning. It doesn't feel right to have to place so much importance on the money I'm trying to make on there. And I'm not making very much. Not enough to feel inspired by. Just... barely keeping my head above water. Finances are rough. There is no work at the union hall. I have to... find a way to generate income without insulating.

And soon.

But, I don't know how, yet. Or with what type of work. My hearing is terrible. I can't communicate well with others enough to integrate myself into whatever job I may end up doing. And if it is a new job that requires frequent listening and communicating, I'm going to have a difficult time of it.

It is hard to feel confident when I can barely hold a conversation without straining to understand what is being said. And if it is at a job that requires me to respond to orders; I'm going to have a difficult time with that as well. Particularly if I cannot predict what my duties are to be.

That is why I suppose I like being in control. I don't like unpredictability because I want a routine that I can turn my brain off and perform without having to constantly react and pivot. It scares me somewhat, to be involved in something like customer service for example, where I would have to frequently talk to people and respond to what they're saying. I don't think I am able to do this with enough competency. It frightens me at times.

And... so, I must look for work that limits the amount of interactions I have throughout the day. A job that I can be left to my own devices where I am given autonomy and full responsibility for my performance. Something static and repetitive without any surprises.

So, I must be mindful of this as I move forward. Looking for work that is rote and predictable and within my ability to perform. I don't know what this is yet. I hope to figure out what it may be.

I liked working on an assembly line. I'm reminded of my time at IPSCO where I worked as a hydrotester. I didn't have to answer to anybody. My day was routine and predictable and enjoyed.

I don't like surprises when it comes to work. I don't feel confident in responding to them.

So... this has to be kept in mind.

With that said, it is a new day and a new chapter in my life.

I must be brave enough to write a meaningful page each day. To do something that moves me forward and not keep me stuck in the same place.

Which is what I feel right now. Stuck.

I must move. Establish myself. Cultivate faith.

Work towards becoming a better person and to find my place in this world.

To serve others and myself. To the best of my ability.

I pray for this to happen because it needs to. There is no other option.

Grow and evolve.

Or languish in uncertainty.

I know there is a path designed for me in this life. A destiny to realize. Something that was destined to be.

I must realize it.

Thank you Cuba.

You are an inspiration.

At Long Last

...We're going to Cuba today. I know, it's been a long time coming since I've been wanting to go since November of 2017. Fola agreed to go in February but didn't, and there were other times throughout the year and the year after that she promised we would go on this trip. 

A lot of hair pulling and frustration around this. I'm not putting in all the details of why we couldn't go before, but one of them is how she would get her pension money (over 40k) and then promise we would go. But didn't, because she spent it all. Same goes for her dropping over a grand on a Mystery school course and continuing to say that she didn't have any money for the trip.

Priorities.

But its finally happening. Like a Ron Paul meme, we're going to the Royalton Resort on Varadero for 7 days. 

I'm... feeling like this is a little anti-climatic given how I've wanted to go for so long and had my expectations and hopes dashed continually for various reasons or another. Mostly because of her.

I hope this will be a good trip for us. To re-connect. To enjoy the surroundings and to come out of all this with a fresh perspective on where we want to go once we get back.

I'm somewhat concerned, given that I remember Arizona all too well. The way she would sit by some random guy on the plane, or stand smiling in front of another random guy in Sedona. I have... insecurity issues with that girl and I hope this trip won't feed into these feelings too much. If at all.

I just want to be happy. We have such trouble staying in sync together but when we do, it's magical. Everything sparkles and we're reminded of why we're in the relationship. Because our connection is so damned good when we are in sync.

Hope this happens while we are there.

I have a lot on my plate to deal with over the next 7 days. Lots of thinking and goal-setting needs to be done. I have to find work. Preferably a job that I enjoy which pays decent wages. My future is in flux because 1) I don't like insulating and 2) there are no insulating jobs right now.

We have a pretty good resort booked for us. I'm excited about everything that is included. King size bed. Ice cream parlor. Jazz bar. Etc.

And dolphins, diving and a tour of Havana.

It should be amazing and I'm crossing my fingers that it will be.

Hard to get excited given what we've gone through together. But like any abusive relationship, we hang onto the possibility of "change" and to Fola's credit, she has changed quite a bit since we first met.

Let's hope it carries forward.

I came to a realization recently that she is... attracted to the best of me. The me who is satisfied and living a purposeful and meaningful life. I have to be able to reach that goal. I know I can. It's possible, in the words of Les Brown.

But, I have to try.

I don't know about my book anymore. Seems like all enthusiasm has evaporated once I met her. My writing itself has taken a downturn over the last couple of years.

That's my fault and not hers, but she certainly plays a part in my reluctance to push that side of myself. To get a book written and published that I'm happy with.

And yet, I feel overwhelmed by the odds of it getting finished. Let alone properly edited and published.

Feels like a difficult dream to realize.

Not impossible, but chances are that even if I finish writing the book I've always wanted to write; there's no guarantee that it will get published. Even self-publishing does not mean I will make a decent amount of money for all the hard work I'd put into it.

Hard work I already have put into it. 

Not sure what to do.

So, I hope this trip helps me regain perspective. Seems like the only thing I really care about these days is the stock market, and that's nothing to be proud about given how I'm not making as much money as I hoped I would.

No more EI payments, either. I'm on my own, financially speaking. I have to make my move. And soon.

Last night I prayed with earnest to be given direction and to plead for a safe and happy voyage for us. I don't like relying on prayer and I realized that it's truly up to me to contribute towards making this happen. All I can do is transmit my feelings and allow the divine plan to take place as it was originally designed.

That's about all I can do at the moment. Far as prayer and appealing goes.

Fortunately, I am not doing too bad at the moment, but I'm not doing that great, either. 

Life is a tricky and mysterious thing. I can either try and steer my destiny, or succumb to passitivity.

I don't want to be passive.

Living a good life means work. It has to be earned.

I'm going to try. I hate this complacency. This lack of purpose and vision.

I don't enjoy not being able to visualize a future with us together. Though she occasionally does.

She has more faith than I do in this relationship.

And it's all about surrender and faith and trust and love.

Sometimes I'm too scared to really believe in those things. To accept them. To accept her as she is and not constantly keep my expectations up.

I'm a romantic at heart. I need appreciation for my efforts, otherwise I no longer will make them.

We are so out of tune, but when we're in tune, everything is amazing.

Here's for us being in tune.

Off I go.

Blase

These trying times. I have all the time it the world to do something or another. Write a book. Get fit. Learn something new.

Instead, I spend my day playing mobile games, refreshing the /r/weedstocks subreddit and reading books.

I guess the books is the one thing I enjoy most. Just finished Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho. Fantastic. Didn't realize until the end that it was a fictional depiction of the alleged prophet Elijah, whom Christ predicted to announce his coming.

It was fascinating. Elijah gets hunted down by Baal worshippers who is basically ruled by Jezebel, the wife of Ahab, ruler of the Phoneticians.

Think I have that right. Lots of historical detail that I initially chalked up to the imagination of Paulo and was surprised at how faithful of a novel it was. Both to attention to detail, and to the themes in general.

It was about a man who denied his connection to God and to angels and visions and whatnot. As a child he would talk to entities and see things no one else could. As he grew, he suppressed his gifts until one day he no longer could. Since he went into hiding, he began to become ever more reliant upon faith and the mercy of God.

It then lead him. He was provided for and given direction. Even performed miracles.

I... wish I had the courage to be able to ask for the same. To experience it. And... I did... at certain points in my life. I don't know if the directions and feelings I was given served myself at all, but it seemed to have an effect on others.

And... Left it's mark on my soul. Unsure of whether or not to trust these incidents where I feel strangely compelled to do odd things.

I don't know. Fola is coming by soon and...

I don't know.

Girl causes me a lot of grief, thats for sure.

I'm really struggling over why I am with her. For sex? Is that really it? Physical intimacy? Not wanting to feel alone and unloved?

Fear?

And... I can't... live with her for the rest of my life when she drives me bananas more times than in my entire life. So much drama. So much selfishness and lack of awareness on her part.

So much... not caring... Not really proving herself. Not adding much value to my life.

Not wanting to, either.

I'm reminded of that time when she asked if she could get me anything after leaving work and coming to my place. Since she was right by Tony's pizza, I asked for that. She said no. Not because of any other reason except that it was inconvenient. And this was at a time when she needed to make up for something she did a few days earlier.

... I'm tired.. and I find it a chore to be with her.

Sometimes its worth it and usually it isn't.

I don't like it when I admit this as fact. Can't be proud of her because I don't respect how she applies her intelligence. She just sold her home and is likely to be irresponsible with the money she gets from it.

Just like last year with her pension.

Well... Is it not that I'm supposed to learn something from all this?

Yesterday I saw her as a test. The darkness of her.... against my light.

Right now.. the darkness is winning.

And like Elijah... I demand answers.

In some obvious way.

Some reason for all this. Some...

Something.

Direction.

Love her no matter what?

It sounds almost ridiculous. But perhaps this is what it is.

She has stretched me to the breaking point so many times that I don't know what I stand for anymore.

Almost.

I do know that there are certain things that I will not compromise on.

I must try.

And keep my head held up high.

As I wait.

For my God to guide me.

Realizing the Darkness

I had a sudden thought as I loaded up my blog and saw in passing, the titles I have been using.

They're all so bleak and dark. They're...

Symptoms of depression and sadness.

They are. Sometimes of self-awareness and used ironically, but... they are dark. There's no getting around that.

And... I have to ask myself... Why is that? Why am I so sad and scared and... ignorant of my duty and purpose in life? Why am I suffering so much anguish and uncertainty and longing and regret?

What does that say about the way I see the world?

And the place I must seek for myself within it?

The happy life that I am hoping to have seems like... this... vague and difficult to fathom illusion that I have crafted for myself. These musings... these thoughts that I am posting on the blog are so deeply personal that I feel ashamed for having written them. It's like... This is all I have of myself to offer. This man that I've become... stitched together by dreams and ignorance.

That this is all I have of value to give.

I know it's not for me to work as an insulator. I know it's not... the best that I can do.

And a part of me is raging to accept that maybe... maybe it's true. Maybe this is all I can ever hope to achieve.

And that is fucking sad to admit. That... I'm fated to be confined to this particular area of expertise, in which I don't even have the best level of expertise and there's no way out of it for me.

That's fucking sad, too.

I'm not even good at what I'm trained at. What I can make the most money in doing.

That insulating is the most money I can ever hope to make.

That's...

...Not true... Should not be true even if it is.

Why? Because I have faith. I believe that there is a benevolent force out there in the universe which is responsible for our creation and way of being.

I have faith that God does exist, and we give Him many names.

We all must freely admit to a belief in something. Every one of us comes to a level of self-questioning where we seriously ruminate upon answers to the difficult problems of our existence.

Why are we here and where are we going?

What IS our reason for being here? Where can faith take us, should we profess to hold a genuine respect towards the machinations that magically guide our path through the world?

Each and every single day. Why CAN'T a loving and powerful force exist that actively works upon our lives, imparting the important lessons we need to know and the love that we need to feel and believe in? A love that can never die. Whether it is a love for life, for family or for the wondrous ways in which we appreciate the ingenuity and complexity of the world we live in and the many forms of intelligence that inhabits it.

The awe that arises from truly considering ourselves and our environment; is by itself, proof that such a great and genuine love exists out there in the universe and is aware of and interacts with us on a daily basis.

We see such magnificence no matter how jaded we may sometimes be, when gazing upon the mundane which once thrilled and commanded our senses. A simple tree in the middle of a forest is truly an amazing sight to behold, when considered deeply and up close.

The details are astounding. Intuitively, I feel that such complexity cannot possibly arise in nature without a clear and aware intelligence at the helm of the ship. I can't believe that we are byproducts of "random" mutations over many millennia and are biological beings designed to do nothing other than to mindlessly survive as best as possible to whatever harshness the conditions of the environment manages to produce.

If money is a means for genes to survive, then certainly we will adapt generationally to favourably select for successful genes that may include traits as skillfull or more, than the traits already inherited and passed on.

We can't just be "trial and error" in this world. We can't. Not because I am crossing my fingers hoping to believe this, but it's scientifically as well as ideologically proven.

Viktor Frankl is my go-to guy on this point. He survived these incredible odds in a Nazi concentration camp to go on and discover a happy ending to an otherwise miserable life that could easily have ended prematurely and without evident purpose or meaning for having.

That's proof to me, there.

And... There are others that seem to be rewarded for their faith. I honestly don't know of many in person, but they surely must exist out there. Happy families with happy children leading happy and faith-fueled lives of prosperity and optimism for the future.

Although the fear the world has been threatening us with, continues to remain. Even after so many decades of it. Perhaps, centuries, even, where we feared an apocalypse. A judgement.

The end of the world.

The devil now manifests himself in several different forms throughout our civilization Perhaps he is a face of evil that you are quite familiar with seeing. Politicians by themselves raise public concern over the sincerity of their promises and intentions. We don't know if the fight is being won, once they get elected. Are they making the world better because they achieve positions of influence enough to follow through on their good intentions? Are they fulfilling the wishes of the voters who they are representing?

Are they honest? Authentic? Is it still possible to hold office without either of these qualities coming under scrutiny and eventual collapse? Can we believe that idealism is being rewarded? Is change being implemented?

Can we trust people anymore? Can we trust humanity?

To me, this is the question that rules our everyday lives.

We answer that same question multiple times over the course of a day.

We don't consciously have to think about the answer. We become an example of that answer. We embody and express it. We show our true allegiance publicly whether people believe us or not.

Everyone knows who is fighting the good fight. And who is siding with whom.

This is... good versus evil. This is a test.

My life and everyone else's.

Is there a benevolent and loving God or force out there that adores and guides his creation?

Or is there nothing out there. Nothing that "cares" if we live or die, or if we do our best to follow "rules" that have been set by our ancestors in which we treat with sacred reverence?

Will the subjects be rewarded?

For those of us who truly believe, the answer has to be yes. Reward, whether it is of physical or spiritual value; it must come. It has to arrive, based on our intentional willingness and effort to want to make the most of the life we have been given and to treat others with respect and kindness.

Reward can come in so many ways for the faith that we choose to nurture and uphold.

It would be a terrible sadness if meaning could not exist. If a loving Creator-figure designed us and the world for no other purpose than detached amusement. If even such power could hold interest long enough to consider and be held attentive by our actions.

It sounds cynical when I write it like this, and I admit that I do have my grave doubts at times.

My faith isn't perfect. But, it's there. It's been there for a long time with me now.

Many years. Many heartaches. Many tests.

And now faced with the biggest test of all.

So far.

I have to step towards a bright and optimistic future for myself. I have to believe that is possible and achievable and that I am on track to having it.

Everyone needs to believe that things are good. That progress is happening in a speedy and satisfactory manner.

Anyways...

I'm tired... There was so much to write about in the past few days, that I don't think I can cover it all or do it justice in the re-telling. I mean... I seem to be writing so much less these days that... I'm somewhat having a crisis of faith in the one thing that I am supposed to be good at.

Writing.

And... I am puzzled by... this word. Writer. It describes someone who is able to utilize the written word in an effective and compelling manner.

With proper punctuation and grammar and respect for the craft.

Just this word, "writer", makes me wonder what it is supposed to indicate in terms of professional and private success. Just because someone is a "writer", doesn't mean they are any better than the rest of us. Any more noble or special or valuable. We all have our expertise and passions. That's the blessing we each were given to make lifelong use of.

And these are blessings. Even in such tragedy and sadness and uncertainty, these tests are blessings to see if you stand by the beliefs you claim to have. Atheist or dogmatic, neither matters nor is immune to tests of resilience and self-worth, among others.

And to faith...

I'm tired... I know what Fola is...

I know she's testing me.

And I can't fail this.

Though I keep thinking that she has, and she doesn't really care about the results.

I'm honestly tired... It's late at night and I had... such a distracted day. Didn't get to accomplish much. Hated myself for it throughout the evening. Just felt so... ignorant... so... scared and confused and angry about myself.... almost like accepting abuse with a smile.

I'm exhausted.

Good night blog.

Love you.

The Weight of Burdens

Been thinking about her for the past hour while on weed. Got the phone turned off and told her earlier that I was wanting to be alone tonight, to recuperate from feelings of depletion and demoralization.

That's all true, and... it sucks when my girlfriend. The apparent twin-flame of my life; my one and only, is... taking me for granted and showing constant disrespect whenever we hang out together.

It sucks. That's not love, is it? Why can't I call it for what it is? Abuse.

Abuse.

On both of our parts, I realized.

I thought about what she wrote today, explaining and apologizing for her behavior and looking to make amends. And I remember earlier in the day, I didn't want to read her messages. I didn't. I got up out of bed at around 7:30am when I heard her leave my home through the garage door; and I ignored the message she sent me earlier. A link to a motivational video that I didn't watch.

I thought about what she wrote... and... Instead of giving her strength to work through her issues like she claims to want to do; I... expressed a restrained skepticism instead. A "I don't really believe you and whatever you are telling me" .. This expression... this tone of doubt and distrust. Of... tolerance that is barely given. Or with obvious reluctance.

I don't like it. I don't like how that is the reaction I'm having towards her.

I don't like expressing that I doubt the woman I love.

But I do.

I do doubt her.

And... that's not through... criteria that is unfair or... unreasonable. It's through some appraisals I've made in the two-plus years I've been going out with her for.

I doubt her. I doubt her words... I don't believe she is really going to do much to constrain her behavior. To work towards cultivating a harmonious relationship rather than a divisive and acrimonious one.

It's abuse... Both of us are abusing each other. Intentionally and unintentionally but mostly unintentionally. Like you see above with my own example.

We abuse each other. Over and over and over.

And... I can't tell if it's a lie that I am living or a lie that must be defeated.

Or... removed altogether from my life.

I don't know where do we fit in, exactly.

I don't... think I acted in a way that deserved her anger. I mean, is it reasonable for her to get upset if I say we should cook the carrots in the stir-fry first, before the onions? She got mad at me for suggesting that, It's not even a suggestion on my part, it's supposed to be how stir-frys are done. The hardest vegetables first. It's the logical way of doing it. Isn't it?

But... apparently this was an error on my part and she escalated her disapproval causing me to become defensive and therefore setting her on edge even further.

Until I basically said, "fuck it" and let her do what she wants because this kind of shit isn't worth escalating and having a fight about.

She's so goddamned immature at times. Really, a complete child.

A child with a child... God, is it ironic and sad. You would think that by becoming a mother, she would also blossom into becoming a better human being. Less selfish. More self-aware. More compassionate. Sensitive. Forgiving. Gentle. Patient.

More wanting good things from life. More optimistic and in love with being a parent. To raise a child of their own flesh and blood. To bring new life into this world and to help it become the best human being it can be.

But... maybe... she's not wanting any of that. Maybe there is... this deep resentment towards having a daughter and now being a single mom.

Maybe she is channeling all that anger at herself and... explode, on occasion as a way of releasing it?

That makes sense. If... my hypothesis is correct.

But... Even if it is, I don't think it matters. I don't think... she lacks the self-control to keep herself from behaving the way she does. That's what matters. Having self-control no mater what shitty circumstances you may be in. No matter how much a job sucks or how difficult and demanding being a parent is. Even when everything goes to shit, self-control should be maintained and deployed when its need is recognized.

If she doesn't have self-control... then.. but.. saying this doesn't make much sense. She IS abiding by a technique that helps with self-control. Meditation. She does it almost every single day.

And still, she lacks self-control and awareness.

She still gets angry and irritated and distant and manipulative.

Without making up for the many times she's hurt me.

Just lets it all slide. As she repeatedly tells me, "I don't need to earn your forgiveness".

And continues to do all this. Having these irrational mood swings.

Can't keep herself in check.

Has to mutter jokes like: "We should stop talking to each other for three weeks and see what happens" where she smiles sarcastically as she says it.

Like, she's twisting a knife into my soul.

And getting pleasure from it.

Enjoys my angry and negative reaction,

So... my thing for the longest while... my strategy to deal with all this, is to...

Not give her the reaction she expects.

Obviously, I've not completely mastered that approach yet. Still working at catching myself from getting upset with her. Its hard, but there's been progress since I've started.

There are times when I truly feel like I've forgave her for much more than she rightfully deserves to be forgiven for.

She hasn't done much to earn forgiveness. And she gets offended whenever I bring this up. Bring up past moments where I've forgiven her for long enough to see if she plans on making up for it. But she doesn't make up for it. She doesn't care to make up for anything she's done to hurt me.

No matter how obvious such hurts are. No matter how deep the wounds, she will distance herself from them and prefer to never bring up their occurrence again.

And yet, the wounds continue to bleed. Scabbing into resentment. Always ready to be re-opened once another situation causes hurt and anger. These scabs become like arrows. Weapons that are used against her whenever I feel wronged or disrespected and taken for granted.

Just... Got this arsenal in my mind full of memories ready to be pulled out and set into battle. This little army of examples stomping around, waiting for their chance to draw blood.

I hate it.

It's abuse.

And... It's important that I consider all this. To really try to do my part to understand what my responsibility is. What I truly am doing incorrectly to cause such strife and conflict in a relationship that I've been trying my best to grow and preserve.

I'm failing, I guess. Whatever I'm doing around Fola just isn't working. Being more forgiving didn't work. Being more vulnerable hasn't done a thing for me either. Being pissed off at her DOES seem to produce results, but usually not for long. And she often finds a way to let herself off the hook for my reaction by pulling out some nonsensical excuse and really not giving a fuck about.

At this point, I have to wonder why I am still with her.

Do I really think this is the best woman for me? The one I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with? Into old age?

Can I trust her to take care of me when I'm old? Do I believe she would be willing to do so?

I don't think I do.

Not from what I've been seeing so far.

The way she is around Ivy. The way she is around me. Her friends. Family. I don't see the qualities of a compassionate and loving human being. I don't feel comfortable or secure in what she's expressed of those qualities so far.

She has her moments of tenderness and being reasonable, fair and willing to surrender control; but those can be quite rare at times to see. And they rarely are maintained for a convincing enough duration of time before the next angry outburst or issue comes up.

I mentioned the stir-fry example earlier and the joke about not talking to each other for weeks. Those are only two examples of a few others that I haven't brought up in this post.

I don't need to. My mind doesn't need to be occupied with holding these examples in memory.

Though sometimes these examples manage to occupy my mind nonetheless. That... sense of resentment... the bleeding of a wound that cannot be so easily ignored or forgotten.

Wounds that she's helped caused and exacerbated.

Again... questions in my mind....

Why do I continue to put up with this?

Is this truly what I deserve? Someone like her? Is she... my counterpart? Is she the woman that best complements and adds value to my life? Out of all the ones I've dated and been with?

Is she the best I can do?

What I deserve?

The person I'm fated to be with? To possibly have a child by?

To someday live with?

As common-law?

Possibly marriage?

I don't know, blog. It scares me sometimes to imagine these scenarios.

But, I force myself to. I have to look into the dark and see if I find any light.

And if I don't find it, I force myself to walk towards it with as little fear as possible.

And with as much faith as I can muster.

Just to see if this is... truly the one I am meant to be with.

My queen.

And... to see if I can... if I am worthy of being called her king.

I'll be honest, I don't much feel like a king around her. Sometimes I do, but not lately. More frequently not.

I just don't care enough to impress her sometimes. I don't care enough to try to put effort in when it is obvious that she isn't putting effort in either.

So why am I bothering? Am I really that afraid of being single again? Of letting her go?

And moving on?

Parts of me say yes. I am that fearful. Other parts are telling me to hold on, that there's still something here. Something important. Or that there is something important that needs to be completed before I move onto a new chapter of my life.

I don't know what the answer is.

The choice to make is not an obvious one. And if this is truly the woman I love and feel most loved by, that choice shouldn't even exist. It would be beyond obvious.

There would only be ONE choice to make.

Love her until the end of time.

That's the choice I want to make.

But... it's not there for me.

She does not make it a clear and obvious choice.

She... constantly blurs my decision. My vision of the future is confusing and blank whenever I consider her as a permanent part of my day-to-day life.

Can I raise a child with her? Can we manage a house together? Start a business? Help and support one another in all the ways we need it? Reliably and honestly and with the best of intentions for both? The mutual desire for peace and harmony?

We can't even agree on the order that food gets cooked in a stir-fry without it turning into a fight. Let alone deciding what house to live in. What business to start. How to raise our child. Where to go and what to do. How finances will be managed.

She is not good at conflict resolution. Maybe neither am I, because I feel like I'm saying the same thing a thousand different ways and she still doesn't seem to get it. She still isn't able to put herself in my shoes. Or to respect my views.

I guess I don't respect hers, either. They're not logically arrived at. She barely can defend any of her arguments. And... she has this inflated sense of pride... like, she is too smart and sure of herself to be bothered with engaging in a discussion to really figure out the pros and cons.

I don't know... sometimes the things I say she's in agreement with.. She sometimes agrees with me long after the first fight where she didn't agree with me. Where she said she didn't want to get married again, but then later says that option is on the table before again going back to not wanting to be married again. Views and values that change according to the seasons, is not the mark of integrity in one's character.

And at what point while living together will she get completely bored and try even less than she is now? Making less of an effort to keep us connected and feeling loved and appreciated?

Can I trust her? No. She demonstrated to me enough times that her word is not meant to be taken seriously. That the things she says and believes in all have this permanent asterisk next to them, warning of the recipient to read the "fine print" before accepting what the person is saying.*

*warning: product is not to be taken seriously. harmful side effects may occur.

This kind of thinking does scare me.

I thought that she might be bipolar. I'm not sure but sometimes she really fits the criteria. These mood swings can be extreme. I was overnight at her house for the first time on Friday night to Saturday morning and it was a great time. She was loving and respectful and we had sex. Breakfast was amazing. Ivy said she loved me as I was leaving.

Those were perfect times. Friday to Saturday.

But not Sunday to Monday night.

She was a completely different human being then.

Gone was the affection. Attention. Getting physical and wanting intimacy. Sexually and emotionally and spiritually.

In it's place was a spiteful, hateful and... ignorant human being.

It... she had a mood swing.

No explanation or reason.

None that I can think of. Unless I did something that was obvious to her and not me, but she didn't mention anything like that as a reason for her mood change.

I don't.. get it.

Not sure how to end this post. I can't pay attention to First Man which is playing on the screen. Ryan Gosling brings an interesting dimension to his depiction of Neil Armstrong. I don't want to miss any part of this movie.

So... that's that.

I don't know what to do.

Just...

Keep my head above water.

Try not to drown.

And have faith.

As I do.

Weakness

Interesting. I'm a bit stoned and watching that "getting back with exes" show again on Netflix. What a crazy good show this is. You can clearly see the relationship dynamics at work, and really get to know what the baseline expectations are of a good relationship. And further, get to understand what is involved in maintaining a relationship and to propel it and make it grow.

Great fucking show.

I'm thinking a lot about Fola while all this is going on. All these things that she's done to me, all these times she's upset trust; made me realize that she didn't try very hard at building trust back up again. Or to genuinely try not to be antagonistic and contrary and entitled.

I really feel like this is a designed path for me to be on right now. Destiny. We were fated to meet and there is a particular lesson to be learned for the both of us.

She was on the phone with me earlier today asking me about what our "couple's goals" are, and I really couldn't think of much to say. My first thought was that she's looking for me to highlight the focus, but she is unwilling to respect my true reasons and expectations. I know what our goals should be, and she and I talked plenty enough times about my feelings on the subject.

I want her to become the woman I wrote about in my email. To change. And this actually should be her focus. To change. To become that person. Not for only my benefit, but for hers as well.

She is lost, confused, angry and frustrated. I understand the reasons for her feeling that way. And though I do my best to help analyze her behavior and to fill her with hope and reassurance; it doesn't seem to be reciprocated nearly as much.

When she asked me on the phone about how I can be of service to others, she said it in this accusatory way. Like, I am NOT being of service to others and that being of service to others is what I'm expected to pursue. So, she creates this expectation in me (always being of service to others) and then disagrees with examples of how I actually am being of service to others.

I brought up fostering as an example. Taking care of Sadie was a chore at times. I love that dog, I appreciated her company, but when she's following me all over the house and has so much restless energy; I get exhausted after a while. It really was a labour of love that I did mainly out of service to others. She didn't agree because it was a dog, and I should be in service towards humans, in her opinion,

I brought up activism as a counter. You can fight for policy changes, for vegetarianism, for fixing the environment and advocating for social causes, without directly being of service to another human being. Or to be paid money for any of it.

The implication here, is that Fola wants me to figure out a way I can be of service to others and also get paid. It has to be a path that she herself, is interested in becoming a part of or embarking upon.

That's the thing. She doesn't like my ways of being of service to others. And I don't agree with her definition, either. She considers organizing a vision-board party and charging people money enough to make a decent profit with -- helping or being of "service". That's not service to humanity I don't think. She would disagree and say it is, because the party would not have happened if she didn't arrange for it. And yada, yada.

She can manipulate perception all she wants, but the underlying truth is that she has no inclination towards being of genuine service to others. She's not passionate about policy. Social causes. Animals. Or the mental health care system that she is a part of. In fact, she wants to leave mental health altogether. Doesn't sound like a person who genuinely wants to be of service to others. Who leaves the job that allows you actually realize what genuine service can actually be? Who is more desperate and in need of assistance than someone suicidal or depressed or confused that is reaching out for assistance through the mental health system? Who needs help most? The person paying 100$ an hour for Reiki in order to feel "healed" after the pedicure they've had a half hour ago OR the kid who has no hope for the future and made an attempt to kill himself by slashing his wrists. Who REALLY needs more "service" in the two examples I've listed?

It reminded me of how lacking in integrity she is. She didn't think building trust is important. She didn't think she was responsible for the many break-ups we've had. She made many promises of things that went unfulfilled. Always trying her best, as she would tell me each time.

And it's not her best. I know it and she knows it. The problem with us is that she is focusing on the wrong thing. I've told her plenty of times before that relationships are what matters most in life. Who wants to be on their deathbed alone and unloved, but with a rewarding career and lots of money?

And who wouldn't want to be on their deathbed surrounded by beautiful people with smiles who genuinely appreciated the kindness and love showed to them over however many years? I mean... I know what I would choose, but her?

I really think she is missing an extremely important clue in learning how to reverse the situation she is in at the moment. She needs to focus on happiness. And happiness comes from the contentment one feels across the different aspects of our lives. Whether it's career, or finances, or health, family, whatever.

She is not happy with her career. Her finances.

Seems to care somewhat about her health. But stopped doing yoga for a few months now at least. Cut caffeine out. Good for her, I suppose.

Family. Well... no real contentment there I don't think. Except when she is with her sister. I think that Sade is the biggest source of contentment for her right now. Not even her daughter makes her feel as much or more, I believe.

And our relationship? Not much contentment here, either, I don't think. Well.. I might be wrong. I think she enjoys having someone to talk to. I think the sex is amazing more times than it isn't.

Sighs. Not sure what else to say about all this. Should've paused the show because I haven't been paying it attention since writing this, and I want to make sure I don't miss any of the developments these exes are having.

Such a fascinating show to watch. Four couples, really showing the pretty and ugly side of relationships. Demonstrating the potential we all have, and how to aspire towards realizing it.

I'm going back to watch. Feeling like a girl on the couch curled up with a blanket watching soap operas. It's kind of like that, but real-life.

Fascinating.

Edit: keep getting these revelations in my head as I'm watching. Realized that Fola is a bit of a control freak and so am I. It's hard to mesh when both people want to control different outcomes.

I suppose we're both stubborn. Although I have poured out my honest detailed thoughts and feelings to her, it doesn't gain me any respect or improve our relationship. It just feels like she enjoys the drama of controlling me. Using sex to manipulate me, as she had once admitted.

It's... Difficult to make this work when she doesn't think she needs earn forgiveness or to build trust. Even when I explain how she could do these things, she chooses not to do them anyways.

I realized that she probably takes all of my advice as condescending and egocentric. Therefore, she has to be in disagreement with me over most of what I say. Just because she isn't willing to swallow her pride enough to genuinely move us forward and towards our goals.

She knows I would support her. That I am supporting her with whatever it is she's aspiring towards, and I can't say the same for her. She didn't support my decision to foster. Instead, calling Sadie "stupid" a few days ago, and confessing her fears to me a few weeks ago about her being in "second place" because I have a puppy that needs to be looked after.

I don't see how we are going to work. Listening to the couples talk on this is eye opening. My heart melts at some of the moments they are having. Jeremy and Meg are my two favorites.

Really love this show. Now, back into it I go.

Edit 2:

Realized as I'm watching these couples, that my capacity to give love was the deciding factor in Fola and I having the intensity in our relationship that we did.

I know it's mutual, but I feel the scales are tipped to me and the energy and effort I first put in. She knows I have my walls up now, and instead of helping to remove them, she is building them up even higher with each created resentment that she is uninterested in resolving or alleviating. Just letting all her misdeeds pile up and compound.

All because she doesn't agree that forgiveness has to be earned, that trust needs to be built and passion needs to be routinely expressed along with genuine appreciation and respect for one another.

She doesn't agree. Argues the opposite, instead. We're supposed to naturally trust each other no matter what. No effort required. No demonstrations.

Naturally just want the best for each other, except when it's inconvenient or takes more effort than we are willing to give.

... I could probably type forever about all this. Constantly pausing the show. Worried that I might lose further revelations to forget about them the best day.

Although I wonder if I'm not going to care anyways, because I am choosing to settle for this relationship the way it is. I've set my foot down enough times. I've humoured and supported her enough. I've demonstrated through words and actions how much she means to be and how important I think all this is.

She hasn't done enough to convince me by.

I don't think she considers us important at all.

I think she considers herself important more than anything.

For no reason of merit.

Just because. She's naturally awesome and amazing to be around.

And she isn't.

Despite the attention she gets from people, there's not much depth to Fola. Nothing truly exceptional or unique about the way she is.

She's not more compassionate than average. Not witty, intelligent or perceptive than others I've dated.

She looks unique, I guess. Mixed race.

Doesn't fit in. Like me.

People do get drawn to that, I guess. She does talk well and knows how to manipulate perception.

Not particularly great at that, either, judging from how I see her act and what clothes she wears. How she feels judged by others and unworthy.

Hmm.

We're both flawed people.

I'm not one to judge other than to admit that I am unhappy with her and her negative way of being. Wish she would... Gain more awareness, somehow. More perspective. And... Wish she would respect and reflect upon the observations over made to help her in becoming more perceptive.

... Back to the show.