These trying times. I have all the time it the world to do something or another. Write a book. Get fit. Learn something new.
Instead, I spend my day playing mobile games, refreshing the /r/weedstocks subreddit and reading books.
I guess the books is the one thing I enjoy most. Just finished Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho. Fantastic. Didn't realize until the end that it was a fictional depiction of the alleged prophet Elijah, whom Christ predicted to announce his coming.
It was fascinating. Elijah gets hunted down by Baal worshippers who is basically ruled by Jezebel, the wife of Ahab, ruler of the Phoneticians.
Think I have that right. Lots of historical detail that I initially chalked up to the imagination of Paulo and was surprised at how faithful of a novel it was. Both to attention to detail, and to the themes in general.
It was about a man who denied his connection to God and to angels and visions and whatnot. As a child he would talk to entities and see things no one else could. As he grew, he suppressed his gifts until one day he no longer could. Since he went into hiding, he began to become ever more reliant upon faith and the mercy of God.
It then lead him. He was provided for and given direction. Even performed miracles.
I... wish I had the courage to be able to ask for the same. To experience it. And... I did... at certain points in my life. I don't know if the directions and feelings I was given served myself at all, but it seemed to have an effect on others.
And... Left it's mark on my soul. Unsure of whether or not to trust these incidents where I feel strangely compelled to do odd things.
I don't know. Fola is coming by soon and...
I don't know.
Girl causes me a lot of grief, thats for sure.
I'm really struggling over why I am with her. For sex? Is that really it? Physical intimacy? Not wanting to feel alone and unloved?
Fear?
And... I can't... live with her for the rest of my life when she drives me bananas more times than in my entire life. So much drama. So much selfishness and lack of awareness on her part.
So much... not caring... Not really proving herself. Not adding much value to my life.
Not wanting to, either.
I'm reminded of that time when she asked if she could get me anything after leaving work and coming to my place. Since she was right by Tony's pizza, I asked for that. She said no. Not because of any other reason except that it was inconvenient. And this was at a time when she needed to make up for something she did a few days earlier.
... I'm tired.. and I find it a chore to be with her.
Sometimes its worth it and usually it isn't.
I don't like it when I admit this as fact. Can't be proud of her because I don't respect how she applies her intelligence. She just sold her home and is likely to be irresponsible with the money she gets from it.
Just like last year with her pension.
Well... Is it not that I'm supposed to learn something from all this?
Yesterday I saw her as a test. The darkness of her.... against my light.
Right now.. the darkness is winning.
And like Elijah... I demand answers.
In some obvious way.
Some reason for all this. Some...
Something.
Direction.
Love her no matter what?
It sounds almost ridiculous. But perhaps this is what it is.
She has stretched me to the breaking point so many times that I don't know what I stand for anymore.
Almost.
I do know that there are certain things that I will not compromise on.
I must try.
And keep my head held up high.
As I wait.
For my God to guide me.
