I had a sudden thought as I loaded up my blog and saw in passing, the titles I have been using.
They're all so bleak and dark. They're...
Symptoms of depression and sadness.
They are. Sometimes of self-awareness and used ironically, but... they are dark. There's no getting around that.
And... I have to ask myself... Why is that? Why am I so sad and scared and... ignorant of my duty and purpose in life? Why am I suffering so much anguish and uncertainty and longing and regret?
What does that say about the way I see the world?
And the place I must seek for myself within it?
The happy life that I am hoping to have seems like... this... vague and difficult to fathom illusion that I have crafted for myself. These musings... these thoughts that I am posting on the blog are so deeply personal that I feel ashamed for having written them. It's like... This is all I have of myself to offer. This man that I've become... stitched together by dreams and ignorance.
That this is all I have of value to give.
I know it's not for me to work as an insulator. I know it's not... the best that I can do.
And a part of me is raging to accept that maybe... maybe it's true. Maybe this is all I can ever hope to achieve.
And that is fucking sad to admit. That... I'm fated to be confined to this particular area of expertise, in which I don't even have the best level of expertise and there's no way out of it for me.
That's fucking sad, too.
I'm not even good at what I'm trained at. What I can make the most money in doing.
That insulating is the most money I can ever hope to make.
That's...
...Not true... Should not be true even if it is.
Why? Because I have faith. I believe that there is a benevolent force out there in the universe which is responsible for our creation and way of being.
I have faith that God does exist, and we give Him many names.
We all must freely admit to a belief in something. Every one of us comes to a level of self-questioning where we seriously ruminate upon answers to the difficult problems of our existence.
Why are we here and where are we going?
What IS our reason for being here? Where can faith take us, should we profess to hold a genuine respect towards the machinations that magically guide our path through the world?
Each and every single day. Why CAN'T a loving and powerful force exist that actively works upon our lives, imparting the important lessons we need to know and the love that we need to feel and believe in? A love that can never die. Whether it is a love for life, for family or for the wondrous ways in which we appreciate the ingenuity and complexity of the world we live in and the many forms of intelligence that inhabits it.
The awe that arises from truly considering ourselves and our environment; is by itself, proof that such a great and genuine love exists out there in the universe and is aware of and interacts with us on a daily basis.
We see such magnificence no matter how jaded we may sometimes be, when gazing upon the mundane which once thrilled and commanded our senses. A simple tree in the middle of a forest is truly an amazing sight to behold, when considered deeply and up close.
The details are astounding. Intuitively, I feel that such complexity cannot possibly arise in nature without a clear and aware intelligence at the helm of the ship. I can't believe that we are byproducts of "random" mutations over many millennia and are biological beings designed to do nothing other than to mindlessly survive as best as possible to whatever harshness the conditions of the environment manages to produce.
If money is a means for genes to survive, then certainly we will adapt generationally to favourably select for successful genes that may include traits as skillfull or more, than the traits already inherited and passed on.
We can't just be "trial and error" in this world. We can't. Not because I am crossing my fingers hoping to believe this, but it's scientifically as well as ideologically proven.
Viktor Frankl is my go-to guy on this point. He survived these incredible odds in a Nazi concentration camp to go on and discover a happy ending to an otherwise miserable life that could easily have ended prematurely and without evident purpose or meaning for having.
That's proof to me, there.
And... There are others that seem to be rewarded for their faith. I honestly don't know of many in person, but they surely must exist out there. Happy families with happy children leading happy and faith-fueled lives of prosperity and optimism for the future.
Although the fear the world has been threatening us with, continues to remain. Even after so many decades of it. Perhaps, centuries, even, where we feared an apocalypse. A judgement.
The end of the world.
The devil now manifests himself in several different forms throughout our civilization Perhaps he is a face of evil that you are quite familiar with seeing. Politicians by themselves raise public concern over the sincerity of their promises and intentions. We don't know if the fight is being won, once they get elected. Are they making the world better because they achieve positions of influence enough to follow through on their good intentions? Are they fulfilling the wishes of the voters who they are representing?
Are they honest? Authentic? Is it still possible to hold office without either of these qualities coming under scrutiny and eventual collapse? Can we believe that idealism is being rewarded? Is change being implemented?
Can we trust people anymore? Can we trust humanity?
To me, this is the question that rules our everyday lives.
We answer that same question multiple times over the course of a day.
We don't consciously have to think about the answer. We become an example of that answer. We embody and express it. We show our true allegiance publicly whether people believe us or not.
Everyone knows who is fighting the good fight. And who is siding with whom.
This is... good versus evil. This is a test.
My life and everyone else's.
Is there a benevolent and loving God or force out there that adores and guides his creation?
Or is there nothing out there. Nothing that "cares" if we live or die, or if we do our best to follow "rules" that have been set by our ancestors in which we treat with sacred reverence?
Will the subjects be rewarded?
For those of us who truly believe, the answer has to be yes. Reward, whether it is of physical or spiritual value; it must come. It has to arrive, based on our intentional willingness and effort to want to make the most of the life we have been given and to treat others with respect and kindness.
Reward can come in so many ways for the faith that we choose to nurture and uphold.
It would be a terrible sadness if meaning could not exist. If a loving Creator-figure designed us and the world for no other purpose than detached amusement. If even such power could hold interest long enough to consider and be held attentive by our actions.
It sounds cynical when I write it like this, and I admit that I do have my grave doubts at times.
My faith isn't perfect. But, it's there. It's been there for a long time with me now.
Many years. Many heartaches. Many tests.
And now faced with the biggest test of all.
So far.
I have to step towards a bright and optimistic future for myself. I have to believe that is possible and achievable and that I am on track to having it.
Everyone needs to believe that things are good. That progress is happening in a speedy and satisfactory manner.
Anyways...
I'm tired... There was so much to write about in the past few days, that I don't think I can cover it all or do it justice in the re-telling. I mean... I seem to be writing so much less these days that... I'm somewhat having a crisis of faith in the one thing that I am supposed to be good at.
Writing.
And... I am puzzled by... this word. Writer. It describes someone who is able to utilize the written word in an effective and compelling manner.
With proper punctuation and grammar and respect for the craft.
Just this word, "writer", makes me wonder what it is supposed to indicate in terms of professional and private success. Just because someone is a "writer", doesn't mean they are any better than the rest of us. Any more noble or special or valuable. We all have our expertise and passions. That's the blessing we each were given to make lifelong use of.
And these are blessings. Even in such tragedy and sadness and uncertainty, these tests are blessings to see if you stand by the beliefs you claim to have. Atheist or dogmatic, neither matters nor is immune to tests of resilience and self-worth, among others.
And to faith...
I'm tired... I know what Fola is...
I know she's testing me.
And I can't fail this.
Though I keep thinking that she has, and she doesn't really care about the results.
I'm honestly tired... It's late at night and I had... such a distracted day. Didn't get to accomplish much. Hated myself for it throughout the evening. Just felt so... ignorant... so... scared and confused and angry about myself.... almost like accepting abuse with a smile.
I'm exhausted.
Good night blog.
Love you.
