Been thinking about her for the past hour while on weed. Got the phone turned off and told her earlier that I was wanting to be alone tonight, to recuperate from feelings of depletion and demoralization.
That's all true, and... it sucks when my girlfriend. The apparent twin-flame of my life; my one and only, is... taking me for granted and showing constant disrespect whenever we hang out together.
It sucks. That's not love, is it? Why can't I call it for what it is? Abuse.
Abuse.
On both of our parts, I realized.
I thought about what she wrote today, explaining and apologizing for her behavior and looking to make amends. And I remember earlier in the day, I didn't want to read her messages. I didn't. I got up out of bed at around 7:30am when I heard her leave my home through the garage door; and I ignored the message she sent me earlier. A link to a motivational video that I didn't watch.
I thought about what she wrote... and... Instead of giving her strength to work through her issues like she claims to want to do; I... expressed a restrained skepticism instead. A "I don't really believe you and whatever you are telling me" .. This expression... this tone of doubt and distrust. Of... tolerance that is barely given. Or with obvious reluctance.
I don't like it. I don't like how that is the reaction I'm having towards her.
I don't like expressing that I doubt the woman I love.
But I do.
I do doubt her.
And... that's not through... criteria that is unfair or... unreasonable. It's through some appraisals I've made in the two-plus years I've been going out with her for.
I doubt her. I doubt her words... I don't believe she is really going to do much to constrain her behavior. To work towards cultivating a harmonious relationship rather than a divisive and acrimonious one.
It's abuse... Both of us are abusing each other. Intentionally and unintentionally but mostly unintentionally. Like you see above with my own example.
We abuse each other. Over and over and over.
And... I can't tell if it's a lie that I am living or a lie that must be defeated.
Or... removed altogether from my life.
I don't know where do we fit in, exactly.
I don't... think I acted in a way that deserved her anger. I mean, is it reasonable for her to get upset if I say we should cook the carrots in the stir-fry first, before the onions? She got mad at me for suggesting that, It's not even a suggestion on my part, it's supposed to be how stir-frys are done. The hardest vegetables first. It's the logical way of doing it. Isn't it?
But... apparently this was an error on my part and she escalated her disapproval causing me to become defensive and therefore setting her on edge even further.
Until I basically said, "fuck it" and let her do what she wants because this kind of shit isn't worth escalating and having a fight about.
She's so goddamned immature at times. Really, a complete child.
A child with a child... God, is it ironic and sad. You would think that by becoming a mother, she would also blossom into becoming a better human being. Less selfish. More self-aware. More compassionate. Sensitive. Forgiving. Gentle. Patient.
More wanting good things from life. More optimistic and in love with being a parent. To raise a child of their own flesh and blood. To bring new life into this world and to help it become the best human being it can be.
But... maybe... she's not wanting any of that. Maybe there is... this deep resentment towards having a daughter and now being a single mom.
Maybe she is channeling all that anger at herself and... explode, on occasion as a way of releasing it?
That makes sense. If... my hypothesis is correct.
But... Even if it is, I don't think it matters. I don't think... she lacks the self-control to keep herself from behaving the way she does. That's what matters. Having self-control no mater what shitty circumstances you may be in. No matter how much a job sucks or how difficult and demanding being a parent is. Even when everything goes to shit, self-control should be maintained and deployed when its need is recognized.
If she doesn't have self-control... then.. but.. saying this doesn't make much sense. She IS abiding by a technique that helps with self-control. Meditation. She does it almost every single day.
And still, she lacks self-control and awareness.
She still gets angry and irritated and distant and manipulative.
Without making up for the many times she's hurt me.
Just lets it all slide. As she repeatedly tells me, "I don't need to earn your forgiveness".
And continues to do all this. Having these irrational mood swings.
Can't keep herself in check.
Has to mutter jokes like: "We should stop talking to each other for three weeks and see what happens" where she smiles sarcastically as she says it.
Like, she's twisting a knife into my soul.
And getting pleasure from it.
Enjoys my angry and negative reaction,
So... my thing for the longest while... my strategy to deal with all this, is to...
Not give her the reaction she expects.
Obviously, I've not completely mastered that approach yet. Still working at catching myself from getting upset with her. Its hard, but there's been progress since I've started.
There are times when I truly feel like I've forgave her for much more than she rightfully deserves to be forgiven for.
She hasn't done much to earn forgiveness. And she gets offended whenever I bring this up. Bring up past moments where I've forgiven her for long enough to see if she plans on making up for it. But she doesn't make up for it. She doesn't care to make up for anything she's done to hurt me.
No matter how obvious such hurts are. No matter how deep the wounds, she will distance herself from them and prefer to never bring up their occurrence again.
And yet, the wounds continue to bleed. Scabbing into resentment. Always ready to be re-opened once another situation causes hurt and anger. These scabs become like arrows. Weapons that are used against her whenever I feel wronged or disrespected and taken for granted.
Just... Got this arsenal in my mind full of memories ready to be pulled out and set into battle. This little army of examples stomping around, waiting for their chance to draw blood.
I hate it.
It's abuse.
And... It's important that I consider all this. To really try to do my part to understand what my responsibility is. What I truly am doing incorrectly to cause such strife and conflict in a relationship that I've been trying my best to grow and preserve.
I'm failing, I guess. Whatever I'm doing around Fola just isn't working. Being more forgiving didn't work. Being more vulnerable hasn't done a thing for me either. Being pissed off at her DOES seem to produce results, but usually not for long. And she often finds a way to let herself off the hook for my reaction by pulling out some nonsensical excuse and really not giving a fuck about.
At this point, I have to wonder why I am still with her.
Do I really think this is the best woman for me? The one I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with? Into old age?
Can I trust her to take care of me when I'm old? Do I believe she would be willing to do so?
I don't think I do.
Not from what I've been seeing so far.
The way she is around Ivy. The way she is around me. Her friends. Family. I don't see the qualities of a compassionate and loving human being. I don't feel comfortable or secure in what she's expressed of those qualities so far.
She has her moments of tenderness and being reasonable, fair and willing to surrender control; but those can be quite rare at times to see. And they rarely are maintained for a convincing enough duration of time before the next angry outburst or issue comes up.
I mentioned the stir-fry example earlier and the joke about not talking to each other for weeks. Those are only two examples of a few others that I haven't brought up in this post.
I don't need to. My mind doesn't need to be occupied with holding these examples in memory.
Though sometimes these examples manage to occupy my mind nonetheless. That... sense of resentment... the bleeding of a wound that cannot be so easily ignored or forgotten.
Wounds that she's helped caused and exacerbated.
Again... questions in my mind....
Why do I continue to put up with this?
Is this truly what I deserve? Someone like her? Is she... my counterpart? Is she the woman that best complements and adds value to my life? Out of all the ones I've dated and been with?
Is she the best I can do?
What I deserve?
The person I'm fated to be with? To possibly have a child by?
To someday live with?
As common-law?
Possibly marriage?
I don't know, blog. It scares me sometimes to imagine these scenarios.
But, I force myself to. I have to look into the dark and see if I find any light.
And if I don't find it, I force myself to walk towards it with as little fear as possible.
And with as much faith as I can muster.
Just to see if this is... truly the one I am meant to be with.
My queen.
And... to see if I can... if I am worthy of being called her king.
I'll be honest, I don't much feel like a king around her. Sometimes I do, but not lately. More frequently not.
I just don't care enough to impress her sometimes. I don't care enough to try to put effort in when it is obvious that she isn't putting effort in either.
So why am I bothering? Am I really that afraid of being single again? Of letting her go?
And moving on?
Parts of me say yes. I am that fearful. Other parts are telling me to hold on, that there's still something here. Something important. Or that there is something important that needs to be completed before I move onto a new chapter of my life.
I don't know what the answer is.
The choice to make is not an obvious one. And if this is truly the woman I love and feel most loved by, that choice shouldn't even exist. It would be beyond obvious.
There would only be ONE choice to make.
Love her until the end of time.
That's the choice I want to make.
But... it's not there for me.
She does not make it a clear and obvious choice.
She... constantly blurs my decision. My vision of the future is confusing and blank whenever I consider her as a permanent part of my day-to-day life.
Can I raise a child with her? Can we manage a house together? Start a business? Help and support one another in all the ways we need it? Reliably and honestly and with the best of intentions for both? The mutual desire for peace and harmony?
We can't even agree on the order that food gets cooked in a stir-fry without it turning into a fight. Let alone deciding what house to live in. What business to start. How to raise our child. Where to go and what to do. How finances will be managed.
She is not good at conflict resolution. Maybe neither am I, because I feel like I'm saying the same thing a thousand different ways and she still doesn't seem to get it. She still isn't able to put herself in my shoes. Or to respect my views.
I guess I don't respect hers, either. They're not logically arrived at. She barely can defend any of her arguments. And... she has this inflated sense of pride... like, she is too smart and sure of herself to be bothered with engaging in a discussion to really figure out the pros and cons.
I don't know... sometimes the things I say she's in agreement with.. She sometimes agrees with me long after the first fight where she didn't agree with me. Where she said she didn't want to get married again, but then later says that option is on the table before again going back to not wanting to be married again. Views and values that change according to the seasons, is not the mark of integrity in one's character.
And at what point while living together will she get completely bored and try even less than she is now? Making less of an effort to keep us connected and feeling loved and appreciated?
Can I trust her? No. She demonstrated to me enough times that her word is not meant to be taken seriously. That the things she says and believes in all have this permanent asterisk next to them, warning of the recipient to read the "fine print" before accepting what the person is saying.*
*warning: product is not to be taken seriously. harmful side effects may occur.
This kind of thinking does scare me.
I thought that she might be bipolar. I'm not sure but sometimes she really fits the criteria. These mood swings can be extreme. I was overnight at her house for the first time on Friday night to Saturday morning and it was a great time. She was loving and respectful and we had sex. Breakfast was amazing. Ivy said she loved me as I was leaving.
Those were perfect times. Friday to Saturday.
But not Sunday to Monday night.
She was a completely different human being then.
Gone was the affection. Attention. Getting physical and wanting intimacy. Sexually and emotionally and spiritually.
In it's place was a spiteful, hateful and... ignorant human being.
It... she had a mood swing.
No explanation or reason.
None that I can think of. Unless I did something that was obvious to her and not me, but she didn't mention anything like that as a reason for her mood change.
I don't.. get it.
Not sure how to end this post. I can't pay attention to First Man which is playing on the screen. Ryan Gosling brings an interesting dimension to his depiction of Neil Armstrong. I don't want to miss any part of this movie.
So... that's that.
I don't know what to do.
Just...
Keep my head above water.
Try not to drown.
And have faith.
As I do.
