Well. Interesting day. Interesting life.
All made possible by Fola, mainly.
I don't know what to make of us. I... Maybe I don't understand women. Their menstrual cycles, their irrationality, their mood swings, their lack of self-awareness...
Or maybe its just a Fola thing.
Those barbs.. that girl can sure sling them without apparently understanding what she is doing.
Let me give an example. This morning as she invites me over for lunch, I ask for her sister's address and then she makes a "joke" about how I should promise not to "stalk" her sister's house if she tells me where it is. I felt insulted. It wasn't stalking. And she apologized, but still.. barb #1.
Or wound #1, if you will.
I get there, and she.. answers the door as if I was a regular person. No immediate hug or kiss, no "happy to see me" smile. Just opens, lets me in and walks into the kitchen as if I wasn't really there.
Wound #2.
My time there was fantastic. I just.. preserved myself. Didn't want to expend any energy that I didn't need to, and I was actually more excited to see Ivy than I was to see Fola. We felt like a real family together, and I had a lot of fun playing around, eating a delicious veggie burger (who would've thought such a thing was possible?), and then.. yeah.. I felt like I was part of a family. It felt so good. I felt like the real me came out.
And then of course, Fola grins at me and says, "you really want a family don't you?" and.. well, it was something I've told her plenty enough times before. I wish she didn't have to bring that up and rub it in, because yes. I really do want a family, and she knows that.
Wound #3.
Go into her room, yeah.. not really much of a wound, but pointed out that there wasn't any picture of me on her vision board. Or any pictures of me around at all. She then said she never thought of that, and means to do it "sometime", even though I've framed a picture of us. Many months ago.
Semi-wound #4.
Despite all those, I left on a high note. She texts saying she really wants to fuck me. Great. So did I last night at the airport, but she refused. Saying she was worried about being busted by the cops, even though she asked previously if I had a condom or not. Except in this case, she was willing to have me come over and fuck her later in the evening. In my car. In a neighborhood that she says cops are actively patrolling due to a rash of break-ins and crimes. Seems like its okay for her to get busted when she absolutely wants to get laid, but not okay when I do.
Wound #5.
Airport last night. Came through the doors and saw her. That was awesome. I was happy she was there, but did she smile at me in the same way I did? After all of our texts and phone calls during the week I was gone? All that tension and anticipation? No. She gave me a sarcastic smile and a short hug and kiss. That's fine, but its not what I want. Not what I've dreamed of, anyways.
Wound #6.
After leaving her place, I went shopping. Found stuff for her to give on Christmas. Sent her a long text and she... (sighs) replies with basically nothing of substance. Didn't ask me where I went, what I bought, or expressed any interest in anything of what I was doing. I know this sounds like I'm splitting hairs, but when I give detailed messages that are warm and lively and receive cold, terse ones instead; I just feel like everything is lopsided and I'm giving too much of myself. So.. I was like, "who gives a fuck" after getting this bland message from her. Felt my heart get heavy after that, and I could only think about the wounds she caused me before for me to get to this point.
Also this morning, she shared a fear of hers that I would be "taking advantage" of her somehow, and that I reminded her of her husband somehow, even though she said I wasn't like him. Apparently it was okay for him to sit around on his ass working low-paying jobs and having no ambition or not working at all and staying at home; but with me, she is "concerned" or "fearful" that I would be the same, even though she didn't give a shit about Larry sitting around doing nothing back when it was happening. For the two years they were married. And before, even.
But with me, its an issue.
Wound #7.
After I felt like not caring about texting her, an hour or so went by and I wrote her back. She then asks if everything was okay. I said yes, because I am not going to get into an argument with her about everything else I've written about. That's a losing battle, and it felt like I lied somewhat in not telling her that everything was okay. It actually is okay. I don't give a fuck anymore because whatever is going to happen will happen and I am not going to brute force any kind of outcome.
If she has to asks if everything is okay, then she must know on some level that everything is not okay. That there is something unresolved, lingering or festering or however it should be described. This saddens me. How lacking in self-awareness she is, and I am thinking about the many ways I try to please her and make her happy and I get so little in return. Gave her that Conversations with God book a while back, and haven't heard her talk about whether it was any good or not. It was like dropping it into a black hole. While I was over, I brought over the cool lamp I gave for her on her birthday, and she hasn't said anything about her sister Sade's opinion of it. Even though I had said out loud that I would like to know what Sade would think of it, when she would get home. A simple text of, "oh Sade really liked the lamp" or something to that effect, would have been nice.
But no dice.
Wound #8.
My birthday is coming up. I am concerned about how Fola will choose to celebrate it with me. I am not going to expect anything special or thoughtful, really, even though I tried my best to make her birthday special and put some thought into it. I wrote her a poem, gave her a few things, and we had an amazing time over at my place.
I love that woman, but man... does she challenge my notion of what a person in love is supposed to look and behave like. Gina would've been over the moon had I done the things for her that I've done for Fola... I see Fola as this.. really selfish and ungrateful person. Which brings me to another wound... I found Hungry Hungry Hippos today at Shoppers Drug Mart and brought it over for her daughter.
Fola's words?" "oh, why do you always bring things?"
Yeah..
Wound #9.
She doesn't "get" it. She's this.. ugh
UGH.
This woman that has to be impressed. But is difficult to impress.
I feel like I'm navigating along a certain path, however. This is all good for me to go through. I am evolving the definition of what a man is supposed to be and behave. But... I want a playful lady to be with. Someone who doesn't make mean-spirited and sarcastic jokes. Who is grateful for things that I give her, or do for her. Someone who.. I don't have to beg to be treated well by. Someone who is thoughtful and giving and loving and kind and understanding and sensitive.
And...
Yeah. I already know she's not a good person.
I know this, and yet I still love her and still want to be with her.
And still offered for her to move in. Whenever she likes. Open invitation.
There are lessons being learned here. By the two of us. And.. I get the hunch that ei..
Man.. I am so tired right now and my words aren't coming out as well as I would like them to.
Should I expect a touching poem from her on my birthday. Like she promised she would?
Can I expect her to listen to me, and not ...
Sighs... Wound #10 I'm not going to bother with mentioning. There's enough wounds already.
She's...
A piece of work.
But a work in progress.
Perhaps I am being impatient.
Oh.. Just thought of wound #11. Asking her what she would "label" us as, since she asked me this question before. She called me her "partner" which sounded rather lackluster and drab to me. Why not boyfriend? Lover? King?
Soulmate?
Twin flame?
Partner, was the word she decided on. And all I could think about was two guys in business suits shaking hands. Thats what a partner conjures up in my head.
Her words when I brought that up? A smile and a "its gender-neutral!" as if it was a silly joke. Or something serious. I'm not sure which.
This chick has no sense.
But she does, in a strange sort of way.
Sighs.
I am feeling like this is a process for the two of us to go through. I have a hunch that maybe she's not my true twin flame. Maybe she's the fake one. Maybe my real twin flame is elsewhere, waiting for me to evolve to the next level so that I can be ready and deserving of her.
But I'll have to go through Fola, first. I have to give her my best effort. My genuine self. Most of it anyways.
I am learning the hard way, what it means to be a man.
And she is learning the hard way, what it means to be a woman.
Strange how that works.
The best of me is coming out. And slowly, the best of her will come out too.
I just need to be patient.
And loving. And understanding. And tolerant.
Tolerant, especially.
Tolerant and patent and authentic.
As authentic as I can be.
I do love that woman.
I just wish she could love me the same way.
Sometimes she does.
Other times she causes wounds.
Whether she means to or not.
Well...
I'm so tired. My words are weak. My eyes can barely stay open.
There is a crushing kind of pain in my chest that started around the time Fola said she felt "uneasy" and was going to meditate.
I have a sense that she picked up on my emotions earlier, and this crushing sensation.. well.. it's probably something negative. Tension. Sadness. Whatever it may be, is not of the good sort.
I can assume that it came about while she was meditating. We are connected. Like it or not.
I want to be the best man I can be. With or without her.
And I am taking steps towards it.
And they are both painful and joyous ones.
All part of the game.
All part of the deal.
Onwards.
I am still loved.
And I choose to love.
No matter how many arrows get slung my way.
I will keep coming.
Until I get to where I want to be.
Come hell or high water.
May God be with me.
