I'm wising up. It wasn't a good week for me at work. I felt isolated, marginalized and I had so much trouble hearing what people were saying, that it was like I was completely deaf. I faked my way through it, and I don't know how long I can keep it up for.
My hearing is bad. Made worse by the flu I picked up two days ago (three?), the day after I was experiencing the sensations that came about from talking with Fola. Emailing, I mean.
God, man... I'm cluing in now.
Today (yesterday) I didn't feel like texting Fola. No good morning, nothing. And she didn't text me either. I think we both have an implicit unstated understanding of who each of us are, and what we want from our partner.
We don't want forced interactions, a lot like what we've been having these past days.
We don't want.. a weak person to be in a relationship with.
We both want the people we were when we first met.
On the plane, I felt this... chest sensation. It was almost as if my soul was sticking out of my body a little bit. I focused gently on this, and allowed it to be what it was. There was some pressure between my eyes also, and the hour it took for the flight went by like nothing. It was a snowstorm thick enough that you could barely see, and the air pressure was bothering the hell out of my already stuffed up ears. There were times when I felt completely and totally deaf.
Not a good feeling. I could see people's mouths move, and could not hear the words. Could barely hear the engine on the plane itself. Despite my sitting at the window next to it.
I spent all of that flight in a state of meditative trance. Just feeling my core, and wondering what to think of it. Allowed my thoughts to run free as well and they turned over to her.
Wondering if she was feeling anything now like I was.
But, it was when I got off the plane that the seed of an epiphany was planted. Some of the guy's wives and kids were there waiting for them once they got off, and I looked over to the wall and noticed Francis, the project manager, bending down and hugging his kids. Two boys and a girl, I think. All under 7 years old it looked like.
And... the moment I saw who his wife was, I was compelled to stop in my tracks.
Once I did, she caught my eye and smiled and I decided to keep moving forward, so I wouldn't look like a creep standing there watching them. I did walk slow and took furtive glances as I made my way towards getting a cup of coffee before picking up my luggage.
What I saw was Fola. Francis's wife was a black lady who...
Man...
She was gorgeous. Happy. Feminine.
She hugged Francis, who is white, and lifted a leg while doing so.
I thought it was...
Man... (pats chest) I... I thought it was exactly what I wanted.
That kind of version of Fola. Those kind of kids.
And Francis was about my age, and this clone of Fola appeared to be about her age also. Early 30s.
The difference between them and us, as a couple, was striking.
As I made my way back from getting coffee, I eagerly looked for them. They were still there. I couldn't get over how much like Fola this woman looked like, except without dreadlocks and.. she was...
Stunning.
And... I had to think about this. Slowly, at first, before I could understand what I was feeling when I saw them. I saw a white man and a black woman, and three kids. The way Francis stood regal over his clan, and the way his lady looked at him and hugged him... Man..
Oh.. (sighs)
I... began to think more about the differences and the parallels. Francis wasn't like me at all, apart from his skin color, and he's also French, which makes him even more of an anolomy for a woman like that to want to be with him.
And I thought about it and realized that he makes a lot of money. And it wouldn't only be that he is a good provider to his family, but he seems like a very upstanding guy. Put together, and comfortable in his skin. Dominant and assertive, but reasonable and gentle.
Emotional without being emotional. Sensitive without appearing sensitive.
The opposite of how I was with Fola, in the later stages of our relationship.
As I sat in my car, letting it warm up before driving home; I listened to the latest Ralph Smart video about how to know if you've found your Twin Flame.
It is still inconclusive. Half of what he said, definitely applied to us. Especially the bit about the "eyes" and being able to stare into them and noticing this inexplicable familarity between both.
We definitely have had that.
We don't share the same taste in food, like Ralph said Twin Flames do; but we do share comfortable silences.
We don't... (sighs) .. I'm a little sad thinking about the points he's raised, because as much as I want them to fit Fola and I, not all of them do. We certainly couldn't respect each other after a while, and thinking about Francis and how Fola and I were when we first met.. things started clicking together in place.
I need to grow up and be a man, for once. And stop whining like I have been doing on my blog. Let women be women and men, men.
I may be amazing and interested in decorating my house exactly the way I'd like to, but that is not what I should be assuming responsibility for. Nor should I be so free with my thoughts and emotions, even to the one that I love. Not to the point where my insecurities are sitting right on the surface, looking like a slab of ugly pimples that are oozing out from their pores.
Men don't allow themselves the luxury of vulnerability and only met it out in small doses. Not large ones. Not unobstructed ones.
The more I kept thinking about Francis and my short-comings, the more I realized that I was not ready for what I wanted. I have not earned, what I dreamed of. I have yet to prove my worth. I have yet to earn respect from the one that I apparently love and want to build a future with.
Yes, I love Fola, but I... She preyed on my insecurities like nothing else. Ralph Smart was right when he said that a Twin Flame relationship is the "holy grail" but can also be the most challenging relationship to ever be in.
Challenging, because each of our faults have to be brought up to the surface. To be acknowledged, and then... overcomed. Corrected. Understood.
And.. Fola and I are not in that place yet, where we have healed or overcome our weaknesses. I don't think she even knows what hers are, but perhaps she does.
Mine are obvious. All I have to do is compare who I was when we first met, to who I am now.
It was not a pretty transition, and I don't blame Fola for having lost interest and excitement with us.
What I became, was something less than a man. I became a frightened insecure little boy who still has no idea of what he wants to do with his life. Even though this boy will be turning 40 years old in a few short weeks.
I have to crystalize and return to who I was once. I need to encapculate it inside of my mind, and hold this image for as long as I am able to. The image of who I once was, must be well-defined and sought after.
And... If all goes well, she would be excited about me again.
Still.. that is... not entirely all I want of this effort. I would re-gain perspective. I would be realizing my potential again. And more importantly, I would be getting my self-respect back.
My blog knows how little self-respect I have for myself. All this whining and complaining.
Yes, Fola and I are... either Twin Flames or False Twin Flames. We're not soulmates. We're something else.
If we are Twin Flames, then we both need to be working on ourselves as well as each other. But I do not know how to talk to Fola anymore. I can't communicate effectively with her like I used to. When I used to get upset, I made sure to show my anger and express why that was. After enough of those episodes, I began to get more upset and less able to express and detach from my thoughts and feelings.
I didn't choose my battles well enough. I didn't hold onto my self-respect. I lost my confidence. Both in myself and in her.
I couldn't respect a woman who changes her views so frequently. Who keeps me guessing constantly as to whether or not she is going to cheat on me, because she does not know if she is monogamous. Although there have been times when she said she was.
I don't know anymore. I'm seeing this as an opportunity.
There is no question that we both share a profound connection with one another, but I appear to be the only one taking it seriously enough that I have become the mother in our relationship, when I really should be a man worthy of respect and admiration.
Because that is what she wants of me. That is what I know she saw of me when we first met.
And...
God. I need to stop complaining. Need to stop dreaming and start doing. I don't like having these dreams that never get realized. I hate having expectations that rarely get met.
I don't want to control or force an outcome, but I do have to control and force myself to be the best version of who I am, and who Fola wants me to be.
That's the challenge, right there.
Taking responsibility for how I feel. Walking off whenever I feel slighted. Speaking the truth whenever it is necessary to do so. Kindly, and with respect.
Being angry when necessary.
Not being a lapdog.
I have to try, my blog.
I am going to think further on how I may best be able to do this.
And let the chips fall where they may.
