... Has happened in the past while.
Fola and I are back together again, and it was an incredibly intense two days she spent with me. During that time, she knew 100% that I loved her and she (seems) loves me.
I don't know man. I'm waiting for her to call me on the phone right now. It's 9:04pm and I said earlier that I'd be up for chatting at 8:30. She agreed, and I haven't heard back from her since 7:17pm.
Fuck, man. If she loves me, you'd think I'd get a text saying she's going to be late for the call. Just a quick text. Unless something happened, which I'm sure has, but nothing serious enough that would have her leaving me hanging for this long, would it?
I'm perplexed by this woman. She knows I love her, and she is saying all these things about what she wants to do for us, for me and to become the woman I'd like her to be. And the man she sees me becoming.
But, stuff like this doesn't inspire any confidence or trust. Talking is one thing, doing is another, and right now I am seeing that words don't matter very much. Promises made but not carried out, is a blow to integrity and a weakening of trust and an impediment to respect.
There's no..
(sighs)
Not sure what else to write here. Those days we spent together were again as magical as they were when we first met. More so, even. She kept touching me. Looking at me with a shine in her eyes and a smile on her lips.
And she made those promises. Said all those nice words.
Then, this. Waiting 40 minutes now. I'm tired after work. It's been an exhausting day.
And...
Okay. It may have been for her as well. Maybe she's asleep. Could have passed out.
Still, though.
If she's awake, then she's inconsiderate. That's all I can say. She's been selfish since the day we met, and I am dumb for thinking that it can change so easily.
But, maybe love can transform a person. From what I saw of her during our time together and shortly after; she did seem to change.
Perhaps she's just passed out.
However, my imagination is getting the better of me. It's suggesting all kinds of possibilities. But maybe none of them are true.
I could call her right now and see if she'll pick up. But, I don't know. I doubt she will.
(sighs)
This job is getting to me as well. I'm tired of it. They announced that they want us to work 21/7 up until February. That's ridiculous. Lots of money, but ridiculous. There's no life to be had.
And I wonder what I should do about this.
I signed up for 7 and 7. But, I also need money.
(sighs)
God is in my corner. My higher self is looking out for me. Each knows the past, present and future of my destiny.
I am reminded of my ritual a few months ago.
"Fola loves me unconditionally, and has acknowledged and apologized for the mistakes of the past."
This. This seems to be coming true. Against incredibly odds. Although I am waiting now, 50 minutes, I think she really did pass out.
That's the only explanation I think I can accept.
Well, I'm learning to not attach myself emotionally to certain outcomes that are outside of my control. This is one of them.
I have the choice of being angry about it, or at peace.
I choose to be at peace.
Writing is so therapeutic. So cathartic, and illuminating. I discover wisdom in each letter that my thumb jabs against on the screen of my phone.
Each tap, is bringing me closer to serenity. To understanding. To accepting.
Whatever shall be, will be.
I choose to be at peace.
I choose to open myself up to loving and being loved.
I choose to believe in the goodness of all things, and the gifts inside of me that I shall reveal to the world, and to make a meaningful difference with.
I choose to believe.
I am a believer.
And so.
I must live life in accordance with this.
Not because I have to.
But because I want to.
Because I believe.
No matter what gets thrown at me. I will always believe. I have cursed God before, but I have always come back to this force greater than myself.
This benevolent intelligence. This Grand Creator of all that there is, was and will be.
Love. Life. Truth. Beauty.
Justice.
Long as I believe in those things, I will be blessed with experiencing them more fully and more often.
Until these virtues are as much a part of me as my own limbs and skin.
So someday it shall be.
As I inch ever closer.
Good night blog.
I am going to lay my head to rest.
And believe.
