As some of you may know, I've been having a hard time feeling good about being without my ex. Whenever a person leaves a relationship, or is neglected by one, the first order of business is to connect back with the person they once were. I find that for myself, relationships often end up defining me in some way. My partner inevitably reflects how I feel about myself and is often responsible for my happiness in some form.
So, when a breakup occurs and I feel the immediate pain of separation; there is a need to go back inside and search for the man I was before meeting this person.
It's not a pleasant task for me, but I do acknowledge how necessary it truly is. There is no reason why anyone can not be happy and at the same time, not be involved with anyone else. There shouldn't be any parasitic tendencies in a relationship.
About an hour ago I had came back from 7-11 where a decent looking cashier flirted enthusiastically with me. The night before, I had chatted up another cashier and it just hit me..
Things aren't so hopeless after all.
While my ex was and I still feel is, the right person at the wrong time; I shouldn't have to spend half of my day moping and grieving about losing her.
Do I want sex? Companionship? Someone to talk and joke around with? These are not difficult things for me to obtain when I put my mind to the task.
In a previous post, I had a list of seventeen names who have made me into a better person. I had been romantically involved in some way with all of them.
But I had only loved two. So, doing the math in my head. 17/2 = 8.5.
I have a one in 8.5 chance of finding someone that I will be smitten by.
Then I calculated, out of 17, the number of ladies that either said they loved me, or were infatuated and that number came to 7. 17/7 = 2.43. Which means, that one in 2.43 girls are likely to fall for me at some point.
These are not bad numbers, and I feel reassured by them, but wait!
Over the span of what..?
Fifteen years.
Doing the math again, I come up with 1.13 girls per year.
That, to me, is pathetic. And it tells me I need to get out more :)
The thing is, I hate the bar scene. I don't enjoy being thrown into a crowd of people and having to impress anyone. The whole idea comes across as kitschy and unnatural to actively hit on total strangers.
Online? 80% of the people on there put up way flattering pictures of themselves, ignore messages or end up being completely different in person.
At work? Forget it. With a male to female ratio of 7:1, I'm not interested in being part of the swarm that gather about single girls to feed their Cleopatra complex.
Picking up strangers in bookstores? Coffee shops? Grocery stores? Uhm, no thank you. For one thing, figuring out whether or not they are single and then approaching them to hear that they already have a boyfriend, just doesn't fill me with any amount of optimism.
Dating via "singles only" parties might actually be the ticket. As I found myself feeling comfortable in the one time I tried it, but still. How can you effectively express who you are when in the back of everyone's mind is, "is this the person for me?" .. it just feels like expectations eclipse a sound measure of character. There's just not enough time to truly get to know someone when everyone is going back and forth between the people that are there.
Seems almost hopeless, doesn't it?
So when my cousin suggested today that we should start going to clubs again, my gut reaction was "UGHH". I usually don't like the music, the over-priced drinks, the dancing or 80% of the people who go to trendy clubs. It feels soulless and insincere to be meeting people this way. I doubt that the woman of my dreams can be found in such places, because that is not the type of personality I am looking for.
I want someone low-key who is as repulsed by the "meat market" approach to dating just as much as I am. Someone that is looking to form a meaningful connection and is maybe a little shy in public. Someone that would rather spend their nights curled up with a book, or with a movie. Not prancing about in a skimpy dress wearing a fake smile.
But what my cousin also brought to mind, were the times when I DID get hit on by certain ladies.
Again, the maths. The club in particular that we once went to, I had only gone on four ocassions. The number of times I have been hit on, approached by, or have made conversation with someone reasonably attractive comes to 5.
5/4 = 1.25. So, it's like, I'm guaranteed to meet or interact with at least one and a quarter person each time I go to this godforsaken place.
And then I realized, as I'm thinking about my odds; is that I actually am not doing too bad given the amount of effort I had put into meeting people over the years. Sure, there will always be ups and downs and stretches of painful loneliness, but ultimately, I have a surprisingly good chance of finding the one I deserve to be with.
But then again, just two people out of 17? One of whom that wasn't available for a relationship? Wouldn't that make it just one person that I have both loved and been loved by out of 17?
It sucks.
But, there's the numbers.
I hate dating. I really don't enjoy meeting someone new, giving it my best effort and then realizing somewhere down the line that I don't enjoy being with that person. Sometimes it comes fairly quickly, within a few minutes. Other times it takes a couple of months. But ultimately, its an effort that disappoints me in the end.
Still.. what choice do I have, right? I can either whine about my situation and do nothing, or appreciate myself and move forward with my head held high.
The choice is simple.
Wish me luck.
