pumpkins n' melons

It's been awhile, but check out these babies!

Soo much fun. It took about an hour and a half to get everything going, but having the stereo on, the hockey game up and a pair of sharp knives made it all worthwhile.

Sadly, they're not mine to keep. I'm leaving these at the doorstep of my ex's place. Yes, I'm still a schmuck that loves her.

Oh well.

one of those days...

(sighs) .. a dramatic pause is in order as I wade about in muddy boots within the confines of my mind, searching for a topic to discuss.

Well, stream of consciousness I suppose. Today I was scheduled to begin my new job, I got up in time, pulled my clothes on and picked up a few things for lunch from 7-11. But as I was doing that, a thought struck me. Why not just bail on this? The reason why is that I was told there were two orientations during the week and that I would be only one of four people there, I didn't relish the idea of sitting with three people and being up front fighting off drowsiness as I usually do.

So I showed up at the main contractor gate, met with the orientation coordinator and fed him a half-truth. Last night as I was laying in bed, I was feeling a little anxious about having to come up with a fake excuse but luckily, I stumbled across one that seemed plausible enough should I decide to go along with it.

I settled on saying that I had to go to the apprenticeship board to update my hours among other things. Sure, I could have done this on Friday or even yesterday - but I kept my fingers crossed hoping I wouldn't be probed for the particulars.

It worked, and after the coordinator assured me that it would not be a problem, I headed off for some coffee and a bit of shut eye. No regrets.

One thing I have been thinking about today, is .. how much I've been thinking about my ex. It's getting ridiculous. Every single day I'm reminded of her somehow and I still get that butterfly feeling in my stomach when my brain coughs up certain memories.

I.. don't know if I hate feeling these feelings for her and if I should try my hardest to let it go.

But the tricky part of all this, is knowing that I would be a hypocrite for saying that I loved her and .. it is so difficult to reframe my perspective so that I can go about my routine and not be thinking about her. The one I love, without feeling like I'm disrespecting my emotional attachment towards her. Even if she already had.

It is such a puzzle to try and work this out. On one hand, I'm excited about the idea of carving her two pumpkins for Halloween and leaving it at her doorstep. On the other, my mind flashes back to the last email she wrote where she asked me to stop contacting her.

I don't know which direction I should be going. Should I not fight for love? Can you love someone and not want to be with them? Would I be able to live with myself should I abandon all thoughts of her and prove myself "wrong" about having once been in love?

The interesting thing in all this, is that I'm very aware of how debilitating and unhealthy this particular fetish is. I KNOW it is not a good way of being, but I'm also thinking that perhaps I can find a way to reconcile these thoughts and still be able to carry on without feeling sad or longing to be with her.

One thing I'm afraid of, is that any sort of repression will only strengthen an unwanted emotion. The more you fight it, the deeper it entrenches itself. So, I have to conciously acknowledge these emotions, yet not allow myself to become too affected by them. This is not an easy process and it feels almost like a passive kind of resistance, somewhat in the way Gandhi once inspired among those who fought against the British salt tax.

Except this war is being fought inside my head.

This is what I am presently dealing with. The dilemma.. to love or not to love? If I choose to love, I will find joy in knowing that she may smile at the pumpkins I'm carving for her. But the other half of me is fighting for my independence, to free myself from someone that I possibly do not deserve or who does not deserve me.

I find that my ego is the cause of this misery, it is my sense of what "love" is that is keeping me chained to my ex. The definition I give towards such a word, is likely not what most people who frivolously throw about "I love yous" would honestly agree with.

To me, loving someone means to accept them for who they are. To forgive their flaws, to want them to find happiness, to do nice things for them.. but somewhere along the way it morphed itself into a question of personal identity.

I ask myself often, why do I continue to love someone who took my feelings for granted and lied to me repeatedly. Why am I loving someone who gave back so little in return? Why am I pining after a girl who gives up at the drop of a hat and is unwilling to work things out?

I don't know.

But I still think of her and .. I don't know how to make it stop.

Or if I should.

I love her madly. And unreciprocated love is the absolute worst kind there is.

This is my cross to bear.

deja vu

Today was special, another chilly day out in lovely (and sadly, isolated) Fort Saskatchewan. But my cold, frosty heart was served the intellectual equivalent of a hot cup of cocoa this morning.

I was paid a visit.. and BEHOLD! Jehovah's Witnesses! My favourite prey!

From time to time I get visited by these guys and I relish the opportunity to air out my "concerns" about Christianity while they stand flabbergasted - flummoxed even, by the 1-2 punch of questions that I have stored up over the years.

I thought it would be just another go at it, but they came prepared this time. Greeting me by name and the lady that I have seen twice before, had decided to bring her husband along as backup.

I think it went on for about a half hour, me leaning against the door frame and casually deflecting their assertions.

It started with, "where do we go after we die? the bible answers these questions!"

I'm like.. "probably hell, since I don't believe in biblical mythology."

They showed me a passage proving that I was right. That God would send sinners to a "fiery" hell.

Then I moved onto phase two. What kind of God is this? Vengeful? Merciless?

"Oh no, he's a loving God." they assured me. Yet, could not quite explain why God destroyed Babylon, Sodom & Gomorra, brought down the walls of Jericho and my personal favourite, the story of Abraham where he was asked by God to sacrifice his first-born son.

And fiery hell, oh my. This is a loving God?

Yes he is! Of course they pointed out the relevant sections in the Bible, yet did not provide any reason as to why he was so involved in human affairs back in the day, turning people into pillars of salt, appearing as a burning bush, etc. Yet in the present day, he remains woefully inconspicuous.

I was complimented a few times, "you're a thinker! I love it!" and "see? I told you he would be interesting!"

There was a moment where I couldn't surpress a smile when I was told that the Bible did indeed have scientific evidence behind it, I mean there was a passage that vaguely suggested the Earth was round, long before science discovered it. Incredible!

Of course, I pointed out the numerous ways that certain passage could be interpreted as well as reminding them of the revisions made over the years.

Still, as fun as this all was, it didn't come close to the last visit where I was told that God would bring paradise to Earth at the time of the rapture. To which I responded:

"Who wants to live forever?"

Then, a debate about how nice it would be not to die, grow old or get sick. And of course that lead to a discussion about who gets to stay at what age, what the purpose of living would be and the problem of over-population. Touche. I mean, I thought I was making some logical points.

But, the pleasure I was getting from this was miniscule. I realized as they were passionately arguing their points, that I wished I could feel as fervent and dedicated to an ideology as they were. I wish I had that "core" to fall back on when times get tough and need something that helps me feel optimistic and good about life.

I remind myself that though I am spiritual, my fragmented secular way of thinking is without much evidence to be inspired by. For those type of people, they do not need "proof" to feel so passionate about their beliefs. I admire and somewhat envy that, but at the same time I'm afraid of throwing my skepticism out the window and just believing.

Maybe I lack the conviction. Or maybe I'm just afraid of deluding myself.

But I do believe that there is a God, yet I can never settle on a definition of it or what it's purpose may be. I feel that we are all parts of it and we do share in the act of creation. Yet, just how much influence and power do we actually wield? Is there a purpose to this existence? Or is it a playground where we strive to fulfill subjectively petty needs? Just how much of our ego are we allowed to satisfy without feeling ashamed about it? Is the acquisition of money and power really such a bad thing? Are there any punitive consequences to being amoral and selfish?

Seriously, what is the point of all this?

I feel sad just thinking about it.

I want to know.

ARRR!!!

Today was a splendid surprise. As I hesitantly pulled back the sheets on my bed and went downstairs for an awesome cup of "Black Magic", I had a look at my phone and saw a text.

"I'm in Edmonton killing time till 2"

"Come see me!"

This was from a gal named "PirateDaisy" that I have been chatting with this past week over at OkCupid. We exchanged numbers last night and made plans to carve pumpkins at my place the next weekend. But, it looks like my crazy manly charms sped up the process and I ended up meeting her for lunch at Second Cup downtown.

Upon seeing her, it was like "click" I didn't feel any shyness, hestitation or nervousness at all, I just snuck up behind her, observed that she was playing Angry Birds (as per my recommendation!) and asked her how it was.

She greeted me with a big smile and gave a hug. I was offered the remnants of a sad looking cheesecake that was all dried up (she was there for over an hour). I picked at that for a bit and teased her for a few minutes after observing her pirate fetish extended to the skull & crossbones she had stiched onto her purse.

We left to go to the art gallery, and it .. was just really comfortable being with her. She's 24, long red hair (bites fist) and I thought she was quite attractive. I opened the first set of doors for her at the art gallery and then paused while I let her open the next set for me (hey I believe in equal rights!), this prompted a lady who was handing out brochures to laugh as we came in :)

Paying 18.50 to see stuff that I've recently checked out with my ex, I wasn't too enthused about the idea of looking over the same things as I did two months ago. But it was new to her. We had a look at etchings, mediocre art by Canadian artists and there was an exhibit of oil-related photos upstairs which enabled me to point out what I do for a living.

"See this? I insulate pipes!"

"Why do pipes have to be insulated?"

(sighs)

Well, it wasn't all that bad. Niki stayed close by my side the entire time and her perfume was driving me mad. There was definitely physical attraction at work here, but .. as the date went on, I started to notice how a little out of sync she and I was. Firstly, there was the age gap.. I'm 32 and she's 24, thats eight years apart.. She wasn't allowed to watch movies until she was 10, so it was a little difficult to discuss what her favourites were, other than it being action films. But on the bright side, it means that I can still show her stuff like Tango & Cash / The Last Boyscout and not have to worry about whether or not she's seen it already.

So, we left the art gallery and sat on a bench in Churchill Square where we chatted amicably with furrowed glances towards the dishevelled and suspiciously homeless people wandering around. The conversation went well enough. Laughs were had and I felt like this had potential to be a "relationship" but .. I really didn't feel like it had the potential for anything long-term.. At least not in the way that I felt with my ex..

You know when you meet someone, you click? Well, this happened, but strangely, the effect didn't feel as complete as it did when I first met Lauren. We "clicked" sure, but it was on a level that I can't properly articulate at the moment. Maybe physically? Or perhaps as a "just friends" sort of thing? Well, no idea.. but hopefully I'll find out next weekend once Niki comes by to carve pumpkins. I'll be doing this:

.. And I'll give it to her. 'Cause what do I need another pumpkin for? Check out this beauty I carved a few days ago:

I think it came out well. Not bad for a first attempt anyways.

Tomorrow morning, I'm calling up the union hall and asking for a job. I think it's time for me to roll up the sleeves and get back to working again. It's not ideal, but I can stomach it for now. I've just about finished painting and I've gotten most of my affairs in order.. plus I'm not feeling as shitty as I have been what with the breakup and all and I feel confident in saying..

...good things are going to happen to me :)

fake

I dreamt of my ex last night. I was running down the hallways of what seemed to be a hospital, clean white walls, few people.. it felt like a tomb, and was just as quiet.

In this dream, I was looking.. I had a child in my arms, perhaps even Lauren's daughter and we were both trying to find her.

I don't think I did.. but I do remember before going on this search, that I saw my ex with tears streaming down her face and we were somehow seperated.

That's when I started running. As fast as I could, through narrow doorways and halls, through people even.. and at some point, I came across her daughter, who I picked up and carried in my arms.

What does it mean?

Since it's only a dream, maybe my unconscious felt that her tears symbolized regret and that my fruitless journey was an indication of wanting to be with her, but knowing it isn't possible.

Yet, the child in my arms, maybe it was hers.. I don't recall this part very well. But what could that mean?

I'm holding her child.. hostage? Or.. no.. Maybe her child and I are linked together and perhaps my ex is the one that is emotionally distant and cut-off?

I don't know. But..

It felt good to see her again.

back in 5...

Lately I've came to the realization that I have been overthinking my life. What my goals are, where I stand, who I am, what I need, what I should be doing, etc. And I've come to understand that I'm putting far too much pressure on what my expectations are.

So with that, I'm announcing a break from blogging. And perhaps even surfing the web. Just until I get more centred and relaxed with where I am. I've already eliminated gaming and have freed up a significant amount of time for myself, but it's still not enough to push me in the direction I need to go.

I had a great time last night at Thanksgiving dinner which my mother graciously hosted. An aunt and three cousins also made an appearance.

It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized how much I love my family. How grateful I am to have them in my life and that in spite of all of my problems, I still have people out there who love and care about me.

I also texted the ex, wishing her a happy Thanksgiving. Of course, she didn't reply but I don't feel any sense of regret or shame over sending it.

Today marks the 33rd day since I've last seen her and my feelings haven't changed. At all. I still love and want to be with her. Although I'm aware that we might never get back together, I don't know how long it will take for these feelings to go away.

Anyways.. I'm preparing to move onto bigger and better things in my life right now, but I don't want to over exert myself. I need to put my focus onto the things that matter most to me right now. Writing my book, finding true love and learning to love myself again.

So.. I'm going to take a short break. While I live to write, I sometimes feel like I force my thoughts and it comes out unnatural and lacking in any real insight or wisdom. At least when it comes to blogging that is, as I get the sense that people are reading what I'm saying and I'm compelled to hold certain thoughts back. I need to move past this by setting my focus free and allowing the expression of my heart to come through, rather than my ego.

This is me letting go...

For now.

my brain as'ploded

I don't get it.. one of the two big fights I've had with my ex involved her wanting to see other people and have male "friends" in her life.. So, after polling a few friends of mine and finding that not one of them would consent to letting their partner stray, I felt justified in feeling upset about it.

I mean, she wanted to see guys that she hardly even KNEW and for what? To build a relationship with them obviously.. of course, nothing sexual or romantic would be involved because she reassured me with: "You'd just have to trust me."

Come .. ON...! Can guys agree with this shit? Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a babysitter scheduled for a movie on the weekend, just so she can hang out with some other dude that's not you? And not extend an invitation? For reals?

I understand trust, but who I don't trust are single guys asking other guy's girlfriends out on DATES. That's inane, disrespectful and makes me want to projectile vomit razorblades onto these kind of idiots.

Then there are the girls that accept these "dates" but call it "hanging out" and then afterwards lie to your face three days later saying, "I kissed him out of curiosity" .. Beautiful. That's just great.

The reason I'm bringing this all up again, is because of a conversation I just had on OkCupid.

Here it is:

Vamprist:A person who loves you would never expect anything less of you

Vamprist:Oh I can relate.

Vamprist:I gave up my all for TN

latpack:... she did say she loved me, multiple times and I started to believe her.. but .. riddle me this.. would someone that loves you go out with other guys?

Vamprist:I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words

latpack:her thing was "we're just friends and hanging out" but the two guys she went out with, were people she hardly even knew

latpack:I believe that too...

Vamprist:Sorry she treated you that way.

latpack:thanks.. but.. O

latpack:oops.. I'm trying to understand if its "normal" for girls to do that .. going out with guys to "hang out"

latpack:for instance.. would you let your boyfriend go out with a girl who was single if he said "trust me, I'm not interested" ?

Vamprist:My best friend is a guy and we hang out often.

latpack:ugh..

latpack:see, this is what I'm trying to come to terms with.. is it a normal thing to have single, guy friends..? really?

Vamprist:I think so. Don't you have female friends? He and I dated for 3 years but it was never going to work. We're better off as friends. He's moved on and has been dating a nice girl for 8 months or so.

latpack:I have had female friends, but the attraction part always gets in the way...

latpack:So.. this is an ex then? And his girlfriend is cool with him spending time with you?

Vamprist:Yes and yes

latpack:wow..

latpack:and this is NORMAL among people? to continue seeing their ex's?

Vamprist:I mean we're not at each other's house watching a movie or anything. Usually it's coffee or a drink.

Vamprist:I'm friends with all my exes so maybe it's just my situations

latpack:hmm.. see, this is what I had a fight with my ex over.. she claimed she wasnt attracted to this one guy she went out with "as friends" but later confessed that she was curious and took him out for dinner and a movie.. then kissed him afterwards.. because she was "curious" :P

Vamprist:When you're with someone for so long and loved each other very much doesn't mean you stop

Vamprist:Caring simply because you didn't make it as a couple

latpack:thats a good point...

latpack:but what if you just start seeing someone and then blow them off saying "Im going to hang out with my ex" ? that would hurt your guy's feelings wouldnt it?

Vamprist:Your ex is a total bitch who played mind games with you.

latpack:...

Vamprist:I would never blow off my new interest. If that was the case then clearly I'm not all that interested

latpack:but.. you're friends with your ex's.. thats a bitter pill to swallow for any guy in a new relationship.. I'm getting even more confused here..

latpack:if the love of your life asked you to stop seeing your ex's, would you?

Vamprist:If they had just cause in doing so

latpack:what would just cause be?

Vamprist:They knew my ex still loved me or something like that. I had a bf tell me to drop all my friends and I did. I won't make that mistake twice.

Vamprist:But my new guy would have to trust me as I trust him and talk to me about his concerns

latpack:... the thing is, attraction will always be there between you and your ex, with the possibility that he or you will make a move at some point..

latpack:see.. this "trust" thing I don't get.. it's like "sure honey, go out for a movie with Jim tonight, I'll just stay home and watch Cops on TV while I miss you." :P

Vamprist:No not for me. Once it's ended and I'm with someone else I am 100% devoted to that person.

latpack:I really want to believe that...

Vamprist:I wouldn't go to a movie and leave my honey behind.

latpack:So you would invite your boyfriend then? See.. my ex didn't do that.. otherwise it would've been a little easier

latpack:(sighs) .. are your female friends the same way? keeping in touch with their ex's?

Vamprist:Of course I would! They are my life now and as such I'd want them around.

Vamprist:Yes a few of them are good friends with their exes

latpack:wow.. this blows my mind..

latpack:maybe I over-reacted ..

latpack:but.. damn.. I don't know of anyone in any relationship who still see their ex's without someone getting mad about it...

Vamprist:No you didn't. Your situation was way different. Your girl went on dates with these guys and did things she shouldnt have.

latpack:...

Wow.. Just wow.. what a #($*#(*@ can of worms this conversation had opened up. So, it's NORMAL for girls to keep in touch with their ex's? And to go out with guys while being involved in a relationship? What world am I living in? Life shouldn't mirror an episode of Sex In The City for fuck's sake..

Now.. what does this mean to me? Did I over-react with my ex when she mentioned wanting to see those guys? No I fucking did not.. But a conversation like the one above is really pushing me to consider my stance on this particular subject...

Then again.. another girl:

"I can understand a person wanting to 'play the field' at the beginning of a relationship and not committing fully. But I don't support or agree with the yo-yo way she treated you. Wanting you around when it was convenient and then tossing you when it wasn't. Especially toying with the 'are we together' thing is not kind or fair to you. Intentionally or unintentionally, she toyed with your emotions. And you fell for it because you cared so deeply for her. You noted all the odd and unkind things she did to you. You realize that some of the things she did, didn't notice or told you were not something a person should do if they really cared about someone. "

I don't know anymore.. my entire world is being waterboarded right now and I have no idea which way is up.

So it's normal to be friends with ex's? I'm still waiting on word regarding a couple of hypothetical (but true!) situations that I'd like to see Vampirist's opinion on. Would it be normal to accept going out to a movie with a member of the opposite-sex, who is very single while you are involved in a relationship and not invite your partner along? This is the big kahuna right here..

(update: She said she wouldn't leave her boyfriend behind)

Maybe I'm a dinosaur with overly conservative views, but I feel it's wrong..

Maybe.. I reacted appropriately...

Or maybe I didn't.. Maybe I should have trusted her.. but she later proved that I couldn't...

I don't know how to act in a relationship anymore..

I'm off to bed and this is likely to keep me up for another hour or so..

I hope I can figure this out. I have to.

off the cuff and on the record

What should my devious mind write about today? I'm stretched out on the couch right now, watching some dude eat like.. five huge ass slices of pizza on the Food Network (MAN VS. FOOD) and the smell of a chocolate cigar lingers in the air.

I just came back from messaging five or six girls on OkCupid with total randomness and unabashed impunity. I like doing stuff like that. Just throwing it out there without nary a thought about whats in it for "me".

This sort of segues into what I think a good topic to discuss would be. The importance of learning to love yourself. Yep, totally gay material for a blog called "hardcoresnuffporno", but hey, it just adds to the hilarity of it.

Well, actually learning to love yourself is way too effeminate a topic to discuss, so let's see what else my noggin' can come up with.

How about miracles? This was something I've been thinking about last night. The definition of a "miracle" as per the dictionary goes like this:

–noun 1.an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.2.such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of god.

Now, with the placebo effect being such known and accepted phenomena, I'm left to consider the nature of a miracle and whether it should be considered supernatural in origin.

Is it? This was a train of thought I had embarked on while pursuing material for my book. Are miracles truly miracles or are they simply coincidences to events with a resolution presented in a surprisingly and not easily explainable fashion?

Considering that, cancer remission would fall into this category, should it not? It is also an accepted facet of the medical profession and is not as uncommon as one may think (1 in 100,000 cases).

So I am troubled with the thought that perhaps a miracle ceases to be one as soon as a solution or the cause of it is known. This has implications, one being that the ascension of Pope John II (yep, I am this random, suck it up) upon the day that Pope Benedict will inevitably declare him a "saint" by way of suggesting that "miracles" were performed in his presence; I can't help but wonder what the criteria is.

A quick look online has revealed this:

http://www.aolnews.com/story/pope-john-paul-ii-miracle/412121

It is a news article discussing how a man was shot "execution style" in the head, only to survive once he had received .. *sighs* a rosary claimed to have been blessed by Pope John II.

An excerpt:

Although doctors told Aebly's family his wound "non-survivable," the 26-year-old did survive. He was released from MetroHealth Medical Center on Tuesday, just two days before the fourth anniversary of John Paul’s death.Hospital chaplain Father Art Snedeker said Aebly's condition began improving steadily after the priest gave him a rosary that had been blessed by John Paul.

Okay, so that would imply a miracle has taken place. Yet, where are the stories of other blessed rosarys, or even this particular one - having healed other people as well? I'm 100% certain that should I lay claim to having blessed an empty toilet paper tube and passed it around to hospital patients; that surely at least one person will experience a succesful recovery to which I can take credit for.

This kind of thinking infuriates me. Because I am partial to wanting to believe in God directly intervening in our lives. I have been raised on stories of the miraculous and as much as I want to uphold my faith in such matters - I remain somewhat skeptical of the idea behind Divine Intervention.

This brings up the theology behind "Divine Providence" in which an intervention by a higher power has taken place but that's a whole 'nother blog entry right there.

What troubles me, is that how .. a person can be "cured" or experience an unexpected recovery upon the premise that "God" had saved him; yet, to suggest that it was a direct intervention would raise so many other questions.

For instance. Why this person? Why not prevent WWII from happening? The holocaust? 9/11? There are surely many other events in history, including the assassination of JFK, Lincoln and Mohandas Gandhi in which God certainly should have intervened upon. Yet, he hadn't.

What about the crucifixion of Christ? Would his existence not be better served by living to a ripe, old age and continually sharing his wisdom with others? Or was his martyrdom a personal choice and not a matter of destiny?

This begs the question as to the nature of God. Is he a wise, compassionate, benevolent being capable of great empathy and will step-in to perform a miracle whenever it is called for?

Or is it all random? Or is it something else altogether that we don't yet know about?

The canonization of John Paul II is a touchy subject. On one hand, you have millions clamoring for him to be elevated towards sainthood; yet, by the church's definition: Sainthood can only be achieved once TWO miracles ascribed to the pope can be offered as proof.

So, Saint John Paul II.. has the shot-in-the-head guy and this girl going for him:

As taken from this link here.

.. I don't think I even need to summarize what the article says because it disturbs me enough to try and refrain from going off on a rant about it.

The bottom line is, the church sucks. It grasps at every possible straw within reach in order to keep itself relevant in an age where logic and reason is making it extremely difficult. More and more people are turning towards alternatives such as paganism, atheism, agnosticism and even Jim Henson-ism, of which the founder is shown here:

So yeah.. I'm annoyed right now at how our spiritual foundations are eroding with the help of the Catholic church which is being led by .. (sighs) a former member of the Nazi's Hitler Youth Party - to which I accept, that membership was not considered voluntarily at the time. Though they did probably score themselves some sweet perks, such as being able to fire grenade launchers and tattling on teachers/family members that resulted in them being executed. But I digress.

The point of all this I suppose, is to show how cynical I have become with "religion". I feel a great sadness whenever I find myself in the presence of someone who loathes any kind of religion and asserts that such doctrines are not necessary requisites in being able to lead a full and rich life.

To which, I completely and regretfully agree with. Yet, at the same time - I feel that there is something missing when religion or more accurately - spirituality - is taken out of the tapestry of an individual's psychological makeup. It is not to say that morality erodes without a strong spiritual foundation, but I think sensitivity certainly does. The ability to become empathic, loving and able to recognize that money is not everything - falters when spirituality is neutered from the psyche.

8% battery life left on my laptop, I better start reeling this in.

In the end, spirituality is always up to you. It's a choice. Do you want to believe in order coming from chaos, or would it make more sense to think that chaos came from order? I don't know.. But I don't like the way the world is right now and I think..

Something is missing...

But what?

science vs religion.. round 1

Thinking about the role that religion has had on society, I am left contemplating the question of whether or not a world without religion is a good thing.

A couple of things immediately came to mind. Does harbouring a belief in a deity help you become a better person? Or is it merely the act of focusing your awareness on something external that is deemed "protective" in nature, the true cause of any moral evolution within an individual?

What I have always wondered about, is what if the belief in God is replaced with a belief in the self? Or a belief in an ideology? Where does the distinction manifest itself and to what end does delegating your faith serve?

The answer is obvious, a selfish need.

Regardless of whether or not you are an Islamic fundamentalist with thirty pounds of explosives strapped to your chest, or if you happen to be a stoic Atheist; the result is still an adherence to blind faith in order to satisfy the whims of an ego.

Atheists will claim evolution and science when their beliefs are questioned, citing such evidence as the fossil record for instance. Yet, science has proven itself many times over in the course of history to be evolutionary and inexact in nature to begin with. The world was once a cube, 'less we forget.

There will always certainly be advances in the field of physics, anthropology, archaeology and microbiology that can result in a surprising upheaval of an earlier theory or practise and introduce a newer and more compelling model to structure future advancements upon. Yet this only proves, that "truth" is hard to come by and reality is much more complex than what we are lead to believe.

Yet, science is a form of religion should one decide to forgo what is unknown in favour of what can only be measured. Aspects of it should never be accepted without due skepticism. There are still many questions that are essential for mankind to have answers for, yet science had failed to provide.

So, back to the original question. Would the world have been a better place without religion?

It is an acceptable reaction to simply point out the Crusades, 9-11, The Inquisition, Salem Witch Trials and what have you as "proof" of religious fantacism doing more harm than good.

Yet, it is also easy for one to point out many events that have occured out of ideology or fought for in the name of "progress". Che Guverra, The Bolshevik Revolution and the extermination of Native Americans come to mind.

The data is not compelling either way. Should religion be excised from the psyche of the masses, there would yet still exist many incentives for one to step outside of their morality and impose their will upon the innocent, justifying such actions with whatever excuse that happens to be convenient at the time.

In my opinion, we are all born with a sense of right and wrong. These are ancient and unspoken laws that are ingrained into the fabric of our very beings. There is no dispute to be had in saying that taking the life of another person, is wrong. Regardless of what crime he or she may have committed.

Yet, we are an arrogant species. We have little compunction when it comes to deciding the punishment of those that we feel have done wrong. A man who kills for his country is honoured, even revered. Yet someone who has taken revenge for the death of a family member, is still punished within the laws of our judicial system. Likely resulting in being incarcerated for life.

And on a mass scale, we appear to have little remorse in slaughtering over a hundred thousand innocent Iraqis who have not proven themselves involved with an act of terrorism and are guilty by association. They died because they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time, in the poorest of circumstances. Many people, including Catholics do not fully appreciate or can identify with such a gross overreaction to an event that had resulted in the death of only 3,000 people at the WTC on September 11th, 2001.

What does this say about religion? Absolutely nothing. For it was never about religion to begin with. Just as the Inquisition and WWII was never really about conversion. The official reason for why the United States invaded Iraq, did not depend on anything but an idea. The idea being that the Iraqi people needed to be liberated and that democracy had to be instated within the region, taking out a regime that existed for reasons which originally included economic modernization, socialism and secularism within the Iraqi government.

A regime that had in fact, been largely influenced by Marxism.

Yet, we continue to lay fault at the feet of religion for the predicament that the Middle-East has found itself in. What is truly the difference between ideology and religion? Rationality? Perhaps. Yet it largely comes down to perception and the speculation it entails.

So, would the world be a better place without religion? I would say no. Only because the words "religion" and "ideology" are simply two sides of the same coin. They both promote ideas designed to influence and affect change by. Yet, ideology is immune from making any moral distinction, and that to me, is more troubling than believing in a man in the sky who preaches love and goodwill to all.

There is however, I will concede - a kind of psychosis that can flourish within either religion or ideology. Faith is a powerful weapon of the mind and is an attribute that must be focused in a clear and positive direction. Without religion, we may not have an awareness of the tools and knowledge needed to sustain spiritual and emotional development.

Can science supply the answer to any of these?

How did we evolve the function of emotions?

What had occurred before the big bang?

To what purpose does the universe exist?

How is consciousness formed? And why?

What is the meaning of justice?

What happens after death?

Is there such a thing as free will?

Religions satisfy these questions with (theoretical) models and even apply a form of reasoning towards some of these. I am not speaking of one religion in particular, but rather all of them. They all contribute in some meaningful way towards understanding and appreciating our place in the universe.

You cannot prove the existence of love, yet as we all know. It's there. It can either be called the result of a chemical reaction, or an expression of a greater truth.

It's all about having faith and accepting something that you know to be true, in spite of how irrational it appears to be.

And I think above all else, honouring the truth within you is the most important thing an individual can ever accomplish. With or without religion getting in the way.

Don't you think?

an upward spiral

Several things have happened today that I'd like to put down to uhm, paper.

As some of you may know, I've been having a hard time feeling good about being without my ex. Whenever a person leaves a relationship, or is neglected by one, the first order of business is to connect back with the person they once were. I find that for myself, relationships often end up defining me in some way. My partner inevitably reflects how I feel about myself and is often responsible for my happiness in some form.

So, when a breakup occurs and I feel the immediate pain of separation; there is a need to go back inside and search for the man I was before meeting this person.

It's not a pleasant task for me, but I do acknowledge how necessary it truly is. There is no reason why anyone can not be happy and at the same time, not be involved with anyone else. There shouldn't be any parasitic tendencies in a relationship.

About an hour ago I had came back from 7-11 where a decent looking cashier flirted enthusiastically with me. The night before, I had chatted up another cashier and it just hit me..

Things aren't so hopeless after all.

While my ex was and I still feel is, the right person at the wrong time; I shouldn't have to spend half of my day moping and grieving about losing her.

Do I want sex? Companionship? Someone to talk and joke around with? These are not difficult things for me to obtain when I put my mind to the task.

In a previous post, I had a list of seventeen names who have made me into a better person. I had been romantically involved in some way with all of them.

But I had only loved two. So, doing the math in my head. 17/2 = 8.5.

I have a one in 8.5 chance of finding someone that I will be smitten by.

Then I calculated, out of 17, the number of ladies that either said they loved me, or were infatuated and that number came to 7. 17/7 = 2.43. Which means, that one in 2.43 girls are likely to fall for me at some point.

These are not bad numbers, and I feel reassured by them, but wait!

Over the span of what..?

Fifteen years.

Doing the math again, I come up with 1.13 girls per year.

That, to me, is pathetic. And it tells me I need to get out more :)

The thing is, I hate the bar scene. I don't enjoy being thrown into a crowd of people and having to impress anyone. The whole idea comes across as kitschy and unnatural to actively hit on total strangers.

Online? 80% of the people on there put up way flattering pictures of themselves, ignore messages or end up being completely different in person.

At work? Forget it. With a male to female ratio of 7:1, I'm not interested in being part of the swarm that gather about single girls to feed their Cleopatra complex.

Picking up strangers in bookstores? Coffee shops? Grocery stores? Uhm, no thank you. For one thing, figuring out whether or not they are single and then approaching them to hear that they already have a boyfriend, just doesn't fill me with any amount of optimism.

Dating via "singles only" parties might actually be the ticket. As I found myself feeling comfortable in the one time I tried it, but still. How can you effectively express who you are when in the back of everyone's mind is, "is this the person for me?" .. it just feels like expectations eclipse a sound measure of character. There's just not enough time to truly get to know someone when everyone is going back and forth between the people that are there.

Seems almost hopeless, doesn't it?

So when my cousin suggested today that we should start going to clubs again, my gut reaction was "UGHH". I usually don't like the music, the over-priced drinks, the dancing or 80% of the people who go to trendy clubs. It feels soulless and insincere to be meeting people this way. I doubt that the woman of my dreams can be found in such places, because that is not the type of personality I am looking for.

I want someone low-key who is as repulsed by the "meat market" approach to dating just as much as I am. Someone that is looking to form a meaningful connection and is maybe a little shy in public. Someone that would rather spend their nights curled up with a book, or with a movie. Not prancing about in a skimpy dress wearing a fake smile.

But what my cousin also brought to mind, were the times when I DID get hit on by certain ladies.

Again, the maths. The club in particular that we once went to, I had only gone on four ocassions. The number of times I have been hit on, approached by, or have made conversation with someone reasonably attractive comes to 5.

5/4 = 1.25. So, it's like, I'm guaranteed to meet or interact with at least one and a quarter person each time I go to this godforsaken place.

And then I realized, as I'm thinking about my odds; is that I actually am not doing too bad given the amount of effort I had put into meeting people over the years. Sure, there will always be ups and downs and stretches of painful loneliness, but ultimately, I have a surprisingly good chance of finding the one I deserve to be with.

But then again, just two people out of 17? One of whom that wasn't available for a relationship? Wouldn't that make it just one person that I have both loved and been loved by out of 17?

It sucks.

But, there's the numbers.

I hate dating. I really don't enjoy meeting someone new, giving it my best effort and then realizing somewhere down the line that I don't enjoy being with that person. Sometimes it comes fairly quickly, within a few minutes. Other times it takes a couple of months. But ultimately, its an effort that disappoints me in the end.

Still.. what choice do I have, right? I can either whine about my situation and do nothing, or appreciate myself and move forward with my head held high.

The choice is simple.

Wish me luck.

a zen state of mind

Lately I have been speaking my thoughts out loud in the moment before I go to sleep at night. I would try and speak from the heart, discuss my problems, my dreams, my concerns, hopes and fears with some unseen entity who I assume is actually interested in hearing what I have to say.

This is cathartic. A grounding of the self where one pauses to reflect on the direction that his or her's life is going towards. Oftentimes as we go about our daily routines, we forget who we really are and it's important to stand still every once in a while to catch our breath.

A discussion with yourself can go a long way in developing a more honest and aware state of being. This is a necessary step and a much advocated one within the practise of Buddhism.

A few weeks ago, I had been reading a book that brought up the philosophy of mindfulness. In it, there was a quote that I was impressed by.

What did your face look like before your parents were born?

Having been derived from what is known as a "koan" which is defined as "a paradoxical anecdote or a riddle that has no solution" I found myself thinking about the meaning behind it.

What did my original face look like before my parents were born? The thinking behind such a question entails an assumption that we existed prior to birth. The question itself prompts one to consider the transformative nature of external influence and it's affect on the development of personality.

This is a tricky thing to answer, because on one hand, it implies that personality did not exist and that the "original face" is a homogenous attribute which every human being shares. On the other, however, it leads one to question how much emotional baggage are we actually carrying around.

No one can ever figure out what their original faces look like, yet the contemplation of such a question does lead one to discover and seek out answers. Quite possibly being the intent of such a riddle to begin with.

So with that in mind, I have been prompted to look more deeply into Buddhism for ways to incorporate it into my life. One thing that I am extremely interested in is to practise living in the moment and that is why I have taken it upon myself to air out my thoughts each night in bed.

There's something incredibly useful about having a heart-to-heart with your own self. There is a sense of knowing when you are being untruthful about what you think is a "need" of yours, rather than a "want". The discussion prompts a number of epiphanies that can help round out your perspective and awareness of your place in life.

One of the most important things that I think every person should learn, is being able to develop the ability to "slow down" and remain objective about whatever it is they are experiencing. This kind of approach does not in fact, take you out of a moment but it does help in triggering an honest and rational assessment of what is taking place.

This is why I'm interested in websites like this.

http://slowdownnow.org/

Where else can you find a quote that says "Minimal effort is a worthy aspiration. Lie down and think about it."

The odd part of it is, it's true. Living your life effortlessly is an ideal way of countering stress, becoming more sensitive towards yourself as well as others, and it can become quite empowering when you remove an expectation that society has levied against it's population. To be busy, to make effort and to push yourself towards change.

Perhaps that is the right way to go about things. Avoiding effort does not necessarily mean you give in to being lazy, all it means is that you start to flow in the direction that feels right for you. Think about the time you may have written a story, gone for a walk or did something that you enjoy. These actions came from effortlessness. They do not contradict your motivation and expectations of what you hope to achieve from life. They serve to reaffirm them.

There is something to be said about living your life this way. To slow things down and appreciate the awareness of being alive. To not dwell on the past or the future, but rather on what is happening at the present.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow a mystery. Today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

Being caught up in the throes of thinking about my ex-girlfriend, I NEED to master this approach to living.

I am reminded of a time two years ago during the winter when I drove on treacherous icy roads, white-knuckled hands on the wheel hoping that I wouldn't slide out and end up in a ditch. I pushed forward with clenched teeth, worrying and waiting for some calamity to befall me. Yet, I somehow broke free from this kind of thinking and relaxed myself. I calmly took hold of the wheel and drove with such gentleness and assurance that I ended up surprising myself. It almost felt as if the car and I had merged into one.

It was a moment that had left an indelible impression.

With that, here is a list of suggestions from http://slowdownnow.org/ that might prove useful should you be interested in exploring this particular kind of philosophy:

How to Slow Down

1. Drink a cup of tea, put your feet up and stare idly out of the window. Warning: Do not attempt this while driving. 2. Do one thing at a time. Remember multitasking is a moral weakness (except for women who have superior brain function.) 3. Do not be pushed into answering questions. A response is not the same as an answer. Ponder, take your time. 4. Learn our Slow Manifesto. 5. Yawn often. Medical studies have shown lots of things, and possibly that yawning may be good for you. 6. Spend more time in bed. You have a better chance ofcultivating your dreams (not your aspirations.) 7. Read the slow stories. 8. Spend more time in the bathtub. (See letter from Major Smythe-Blunder.) 9. Practice doing nothing. (Yes this is the difficult one.) 10. Avoid too much seriousness. Laugh, because you're only alive on planet earth for a limited time. I totally agree with #6. Especially if someone naked is involved. Today is also the first day of BROCKTOBER.