It's days like today where I feel like I want to die and leave this world.
This morning I got up with remnants of a dream in my mind which had me thinking about the nature of dreaming and contemplating whether or not this is what the state of death would appear like.
Worlds that we create, placing ourselves in scenarios that are interesting and often elicit an emotional response.
The dream that I had today was about me evading capture by some force and I was running through a multitude of different rooms sliding and hiding and thinking I was clever in how I was making it through.
But it prompted thoughts about what the heck dreaming is even supposed to be. Why is it that we don't recognize we are in a dream? Do we not look around at the surreal environment/situation and think, "hey, I don't think I'm on Earth anymore." and this is how lucid dreaming can work, except for the most part, we carry on inside of a dream like it was reality.
Oddly with my dream, I was fast and physical which isn't likely to happen in "real life" so... why was I so captured by the illusion enough that I felt myself thinking it was all "real" and then awake to find I only had fragments of memory regarding it?
It reminds me of how we get memory-wiped during each re-incarnation and how well it translates to the dream state. It seems that a similar process works while we sleep as well. We die to this world to emerge in another and we carry on as if nothing has changed. Sometimes we get superhuman abilities and face improbable and imaginative situations but each morning we awake with but a fraction of what transpired and carry on like the dream-state held no significance whatsoever.
Maybe we created that world? What does that say about how we are now in this waking state? Are we inside of a collective dream and the personal dreams are of our own making?
As above, so below. As within, so without.
But yes, I felt like dying today. I am quite tired of this place. I do not see a way out from the situation that I am in. Living with my mother in a small townhouse, subjected to constant noise and irritations and not having the responsibility of even deciding what I would eat as my meal each day or caring about anything like a job or future ambitions of any kind.
It's... detachment. I've detached from this world because I no longer want to participate in what is so obviously a realm that has been hijacked by nefarious actors. It is well known at this point the puppeteers have been engineering/herding humanity around for as long as history has been written. Whether it is through genetic manipulation in which we prove Darwin's theory of evolution to be incorrect in that we do not have a transitional human form or the various control systems (religions) designed to keep us docile and subservient.
We are either slaves or animals on a farm. Either of those possibilities are frightening.
In researching the afterlife, astral travelling and logically fitting the pieces together; I keep arriving to the one question that I can't find a suitable answer for.
Are we here by choice or coercion? Did we agree to incarnate on this planet, and if so, was it done with the full information of knowing what we would be facing if we did? If we did not agree, were we tricked? Fooled into incarnating?
Is Earth our true home or is it merely one realm of several in which we could potentially inhabit once we choose re-birth? Should we fight for the planet we exist upon or should we endeavor to leave it behind in search of greener pastures?
Because my research has shown me that this is place has been hijacked and is manipulated by entities/intelligences that do not have the best interests of humanity at heart. Throughout history we find various clues such as the legend of Atlantis, the Tower of Babel and more recent examples such as in the mid-1800s where a "reset" appears to occur and civilization begins anew.
The board gets cleared and a new game begins.
I've studied enough to know that this is what is going on. Humanity is caught in a cycle of time where various epochs mark the rise and decline of empires. New races, new technologies, new ideologies and belief systems, political structures...
It feels now that it was all leading up to this moment. Nearly 8 billion human beings are facing a control system like never before thanks to the internet and cell phones. If everything goes digital including the transaction of money; we are facing enslavement as a species. Surveillance will ensure that everything we do online will be recorded and used to determine our worthiness to participate in the technocratic system that is emerging as I type.
We used to be able to jump into a car, hitchhike or make phone calls without any record of our movement or conversations. That has all changed. Phone calls, text messages and even the websites we visit are all recorded and held in a repository, tied to our personal profile to be used against us should we not be in compliance with whatever the governing body demands of us. If its paying our taxes, consuming limited amount of meat, travelling less, not complaining about the educational or medical system and so on and so forth.
We are moving towards a society in where we will become sheep. There will be no freedom like we used to enjoy. Our ancestors who have fought for "freedom" will have given up their lives only so that we could appreciate a temporary taste of it.
No longer are we producing art that inspires and uplifts. No longer are there movies or music or books and comics and television shows and plays that glorify the independent and ferocity of the human spirit. Instead, we are subjected to propaganda pieces that celebrate "diversity" which is tearing the fabric of civilization apart.
I do not want to live in a place like this. Like in Star Wars, I feel the walls of the garbage compactor closing in.
I long to be with those of my kind. Critical thinkers who have values like myself. Who believe in goodness. Who cherish and express notions like love, beauty, compassion, prosperity, freedom, justice and Truth.
This is not that world in which these things are honored.
I spent a good amount of time this morning going over my "structure" of belief in how I think the world works and what it is for. I was fitting pieces together that makes sense and the picture that emerges is one without a doubt that we are existing in a reality in which nefarious entities seek to exercise the control of all of us, reverting humanity back to a state of feudalism.
It should not be this way.
Many near death experiences describe how we are here to learn "lessons" and to spiritually evolve into our best selves. To realize the fullness of our potential and to enjoy the life and bodies we have been given for this purpose.
In these times, we cannot hope as critically thinking and moral beings to evolve and grow in such a stifling atmosphere.
It begs one to wonder where is "God" in all this? Moreover, what IS God exactly?
I have my theories. Perhaps God is the network that connects all of our minds together. It is not simply an external deity weighing infinite power and has infinite awareness with the ability to shape reality as it sees fit.
Maybe humanity is God. Maybe the collective is the ocean and each of us are the drops that exist inside of it.
Either way, I feel like I am done with this place.
Robbed of my dignity, my dreams, my happiness... I see little reason to press on.
Do we exist as wage slaves? Constantly chasing the carrot dangled in front of us? The means for more money, more freedom, more more more?
If humanity had not been infiltrated by these entities/fallen angels, imagine where we could be right now? Had we built the pyramids, we would retain that knowledge to this day. Perhaps creating the means of being able to eliminate poverty on a global scale and maximizing the freedom each of us are entitled towards as sovereign beings of flesh and bone.
The inventor of the water-powered engine would not have been assassinated.
Nor would leaders like Gaddafi who fought to elevate the citizens of Libya would have been eliminated.
Christ may not have been crucified.
Murder would be treated as the most serious offense and wars would no longer be permissible as a means to circumvent the sacred right each of us have to life.
Abortion would be made illegal. Technologies would emerge that would cure cancer and many diseases. There would be innovations in birth control, transportation, engineering and the production of food such as it was with dwarf crops decades ago when we faced a food crisis.
Our educational system would no longer indoctrinate our children and instead will provide them with the necessary skills they need to become the best human beings they can be. Foraging in nature, learning to keep their bodies in good health, respect for the sanctity of life, developing within them a genuine curiosity and a desire to evolve themselves spiritually.
Instead, education serves to create slaves who cannot think for themselves. Rewarding rote memorization of facts rather than encouraging critical thinking and self-sufficiency.
From order to chaos. The systems must all collapse so that the cycle begins anew.
A new system that will be ever more efficient at creating docile sheep. Fortified by fake food and contaminated water that degrades the quality of our consciousness and makes our physical vehicles dependent upon the medical institutions where such places are only concerned with the making of money rather than to cure or improve upon the human condition, looking at it all from a holistic point of view.
Had we been left alone, this world would have eliminated poverty many years ago. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education and medical/dental care all would be deemed basic human rights so that we would no longer be struggling to fulfill the lower parts of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.
But we are not left alone. This world has been captured by beings that do not wish to reveal themselves to us. For evil operates in the shadows while goodness works in the light.
What is the point of living in a world that actively works to spiritually suppress us?
I've long believed that this was a consensus reality. If 51% of us agree on a certain way of being, it shall be.
But more than 51% of us appears oblivious and ill-informed on exactly what is going on. Many are content to pretend like the last three years is not anything to further investigate and put deep thought into contemplating.
It is so obvious to me that we are manipulated and that our political "leaders" have been selected rather than democratically elected.
And it has always been this way. We now have the internet which has been invaluable in being able to research and confirm the facts of our enslavement.
Yet, we are held captive by distractions and responsibilities. Work, sleep, pay bills, watch television and sports and stare at the black rectangle in our hands. Doing things that do not inform us about the world in the little time that we have each day to introspect and contemplate such matters fully.
I am tired of this place.
Yet, I have some measure of faith that is ever-dwindling but cannot fully reduce.
I believe there is great power within each of us and that the nature and plan of God is unknowable. At the same time, I have to wonder how much individual power we have. That I have, to be able to affect the desired changes in the world.
A wise quote I remember reading suggested that in order to change the world we must endeavor to change ourselves. Be the change we wish to see.
And perhaps that is the solution.
Yet here I am, living with my mother, broke and broken.
There is no change I can affect other than these words of which I type.
I refuse to participate in my own slavery.
I yearn to be with Karlee and such a goal appears ever so distant and elusive.
I pray for the solution. The numbers that I know can unlock the keys of freedom and instantly restore that which has been taken from me.
But...
How is this to be done?
Will mercy be given?
Or do I first have to give it to myself?
Just how powerful am I exactly?
Is God within me?
Can the improbable become probable?
All these questions.
And I all I want is to go home.
Where I am loved and valued and in which I can love and value others also.
This is not that place.
May goodness somehow find its way to me.
Like it did with Karlee.
Amen.
