I feel so dead inside. Another day of nothingness. No traction towards anything. Nothing good being reported on the news and nothing of interest online that I could find despite spending hours today looking at multiple forums and videos and Telegram groups.
I feel like I am done. Well and truly done with this place. I had thought a few days ago to write down a list of all the small/medium/big things that have been tormenting me during the time I've begun living with my mother but it would have been such a big list.
I'll try and describe how it went for me today, which is nearly identical to how it went for me yesterday and the day before that.
It starts with me waking up on a thin mattress in the basement. Slight hip pain, but I would rather be down here than in the bedroom next to my mother where she decided to decorate it herself. The window there also has parking lot floodlights aimed right at it. It is small and has no closet. Just a shelf where there are multiple random items my mom decided to place on it. Bars of soap, pictures, bathroom products, empty vases and nothing in that bedroom makes me feel like it is a place to call my own.
After waking up this morning and realizing that I was awake and alive in this world, it took about a minute before I felt a heaviness enter my chest causing me to cry. A couple of tears but this is how much I don't want to be here.
It wasn't even "morning" but 1pm around the time frame where my mother would not be home. She is usually out between noon and 2:30.
I come out of this basement which is loaded with food products and random items and have to physically push hard on the door with both hands to exit because it closes tight to the frame.
I then hear the welcoming creak of the floor where my mother who has ears like a bat, can hear where I am. Anywhere in the house. A creak upstairs will tell her I'm going to the one bathroom that we share, which is messy because of the items she places in it (floss dangling from the shelf). I go to the washroom, hear the creak and blow my nose but can't put the tissue in the garbage because my mother has the habit of placing a heavy jug of bath salt right on the lid and it can't be opened without it being removed. She does this frequently.
The bathroom lights emit an audible hum as I put my contacts in. Careful not to dry my hands on any of the four towels there because all of them are either dirty and/or have my mother's white hairs on them which covers my hand and keeps me from putting in a clean contact lens.
The floor creaks on the way out and I go outside to sit in my chair which faces an apartment complex where six balconies are directly facing into the yard. I immediately see two people sitting and looking down at me. In about twenty minutes, I see another couple on a higher balcony appear to sit down and play cards with each other for hours. Talking loudly all the while. They too can look down at me.
I pull out my phone to look at the news/emails/videos of the day. Eventually my mother arrives and slides the screen door open. This is something she does repeatedly throughout the day. Unexpectedly and often does odd things in the yard. Which isn't even a yard, but a fenced area with a concrete floor and no grass. My mother interrupts me repeatedly for no reason other than to constantly keep me on edge because I never know when she will slide that screen door open and say something. Even if it is to let our cat out, she will make loud baby noises which the people in the apartment complex can look down and hear.
Today the couple at the highest balcony actually talked down to us commenting on our cat.
There is no privacy outside. Inside, I have no privacy either. All I have is a small basement with no place to sit except to lay on a thin mattress.
Because of how small the townhouse is, I can't sit on the couch because my mother likes to make noise in the kitchen or watch game shows on the television, which drives me nuts. The same shows over and over and over. Family Feud and Let's Make a Deal which is... entertainment for the easily amused, to put it gently.
We then had to go pick up my car which ... I am getting sad writing this already. My mother created a fuss over the bill saying things like "that doesn't look right" even though I had explained it to her and so did the people inside. The sound of her voice is difficult to bear. Even worse is the level of intelligence and ignorance she is displaying in public. Not understanding a simple item despite it being explained several different ways and ... you could tell the people there did not want to have to deal with her.
Finally I get my car and leave to go to the park. Away from the noise in the yard where if people aren't talking on the balconies across from me, there are crows squawking loudly that my mother likes to throw food at, thereby encouraging them to visit frequently. It is not an uncommon sight to see meat and pieces of bread scattered in the small yard. The sound of transit buses zip by every 15-20 minutes due to how close we are to the bus stop and because of how thin the walls are, I can hear the neighbor next to us watch tv. If none of those things are happening, sometimes we get screaming children who are playing. Loud enough that a man on the balcony said "shut up!" to them yesterday. This is a regular and frequent occurrence.
At the park is where I get some peace, but not really. There are no spots at the park where I am not interrupted by a loud car going by and people looking at me as I sit and/or people having picnic being noisy with talking or loud music being played.
I spend hours here each day. To get away from the madness of this house I am living in. One that I did not want my mother to purchase but she purchased it anyways, without asking me what I thought. Just one day "I'm putting down an offer" without my having even seen it.
I knew once I did what a mistake it was to get that place. One bathroom, creaky floors, facing a wall of apartment balconies, constant noise, hard water, a front door that creaks and squeaks and is difficult to close...
The madness of it all added to by my mother, who is not in her right mind herself. Obsessed with food and a freezer/fridge that is completely full with fruit flies buzzing about because she likes to leave food on the counter without covering it or storing it away. A half eaten banana, a partially chewed apple, an uncovered pot of soup sitting for hours and hours.
And she doesn't use dish soap to do the dishes.
I hate it. I hate it so much that I have to leave and go to the park.
Today was a rainy and cloudy day so not many people there. It was quieter and I would watch videos on my phone. Searching for something interesting but not really finding much.
My mind feels like its reaching out for a lifeline. Somewhere, somehow and unable to find one. Day after day. I am filled with information about UFOs, the afterlife/NDEs, politics, religion and subjects pertaining to spirituality. I am demoralized by most news, but end up following it just the same.
Today I watched the new Max Igan video. There is never anything good on it. Max showed clips of how AI can mimic a real person and the conclusion now is that we cannot trust who calls us on the phone because AI in the hands of consumers can now mimic anyone with a few voice samples. This then extends to forgery in photos/videos/audio which may soon be rendered inadmissible in court. Because everything can be faked in this new technocratic dystopia.
Karlee messages me at around 4pm my time but took until 5pm today. We seem to be drifting apart. The last three days it felt like a distance was put up between us. I don't think it was my doing. Our conversations are becoming less and less interesting as Karlee is sharing less personal information about herself.
She has been gone for 9 days now and I do not know if we will ever see each other again. Despite how she asserted repeatedly that I would be welcome to stay with her once she gets her own place. But... my financial situation will not allow for a $10,000 visa to be purchased so I can live and work with her in Australia.
I don't even know if I want to live under an even more totalitarianism society than the one I am presently in. Moving towards all digital everything. A social credit system. The people of Australia are "ruled" by the Labour party which is the equivalent of the Liberals we have here. Progressives pushing the LGBTQ agenda hard and subjecting innocent children to questions about gender and sexuality at very young ages. Indoctrinating and conditioning them to accept the government approved narrative of everything from changing one's gender to "climate change".
In the 1980s when I grew up, it was all about saving the trees. The Amazon rainforest was being cut down and the levels of carbon in our atmosphere was going up because not enough trees were around to convert it all into oxygen. Fast forward to 2023 and we are now using paper straws and paper utensils and paper bags instead of plastic. Why? Because they want us off of oil and gas and are electrifying the grid. Turning everything into ones and zeros for an AI to have complete control of.
They can now "kill" people at the push of a button. Rendering their access to medical services, transportation, money and jobs non-existent should such an individual is deemed a problem to have to deal with. This is the plan all along. Dissidents will be eliminated without firing a single shot.
I spend hours at the park thinking about such things. Listening to podcasts, reading articles and watching videos that all expose the corruption of the world we are living in. Hearing how we are in the "end times" and that aliens are being exposed and the population being intentionally reduced.
It is madness both in my personal life and in the world at large.
And Australia is further along than most Western countries in exacting total control over the lives of its civilians.
It feels like there are no safe havens. Except for perhaps Mexico.
Throughout all this I am in despair, knowing how close I was to getting all of my debts paid and able to keep my own place with plenty of money left over for a new vehicle and a year or two of not having to work if need be.
But it did not work out that way. Because I woke up too late one day and didn't sell the Gamestop stocks when I should have.
I curse myself and grieve and feel despair and hopelessness. I am caught in this loop of sameness. Wake up, feel sad, sit outside, go to the park until late and come home when my mother is asleep so as to minimize contact with her.
As good of a writer I can be at times, I cannot capture all the details that make my life so empty and bland and much like a hell.
I loved my peace and privacy and independence. Now, I skip breakfast and have to eat the dirty food my mom prepares. Suffer the shame of taking money from her. I cannot even put into words how it feels to be given twenty dollars and told to buy myself dinner. Oh, and do I need more money? How much? ... My mother is doing well with having sold my old place. She has plenty of money to get by with. She did not save for retirement and this is her reward.
Living with me. Her "sunshine" that she is enjoying my being made completely dependent on her.
Neither of my parents suggested while I was in my 20s to get a place of my own. Nobody said a word. Had I been encouraged to do so, I would have been able to afford a good home under my own name with low mortgage payments. Now, it is impossible to reclaim what I once had. Especially because I no longer am working.
Which is another subject altogether and one I cannot hope to do justice with words. There are not enough words to explain my working situation. How I worked for 20 years doing hard labor in dirty and uncomfortable and dangerous situations as an insulator. Physically demanding and life threatening work. I got gassed at the the Suncor plant years ago and had to be hospitalized. It was demoralizing and disheartening work. I was happy to have had success in the stock market in 2020 until it all fell apart.
Now I have no options. I refuse to participate in this slave system. The world is crumbling and falling apart at the seams and we are to continue the illusion?
I am thirsting for answers. I believe in Jesus and not necessarily the biblical depiction of him. I believe in God but feel the Bible has been designed for us as was the Quran.
These are control systems of the soul. Economic servitude is another control system.
We are all slaves on this "ball" of dirt we call Earth. Here to learn "lessons" according to several spiritual gurus, channellers and those that have experienced death who have come back to describe what they have learned.
Karlee and I had this in common. Thinking about death and leaving this for good. I cannot talk with her any longer about the negative things going on in the world because she has two children and is in an abusive relationship. She needs all the hope and optimism she can get.
And all that is on my mind each and everyday is the negative. The loss of faith in humanity for allowing itself to get so manipulated by corrupt politicians, "experts" and the media. The majority by now should know how to exercise discernment and critical thinking, but many do not.
I don't want to share a world with these types of people. I am doing my best to accept that they aren't capable of questioning the world or themselves but it is so hard. So demoralizing and so lonely to accept that I seem to be the sane one who knows what is going on.
Mostly. I am still learning and studying and researching to know all of the details.
But this is what I do each day. Wake up, sit outside, go to the park until late and come home.
There are so many details I am leaving out. The flies that constantly buzz around outside, the destruction of my credit score, the dental work I need done but can't afford, the old glasses I wear that hasn't been updated, the hearing aids that will eventually need to be replaced to the tune of thousands of dollars...
And my inability to travel and move about freely. I am stuck within a small section of Edmonton, a city I have loathed for years due to the potholes and constant mass of immigration coming through. At the Tim Hortons close by, it is routine for me to be the only white guy in the place. It is often filled with noisy Muslims who are sometimes dressed in their worship clothes.
Nothing against Muslims but I am a stranger in the city of my birth. I no longer fit in.
Fort Saskatchewan was so much better but my mother refused to move there and live in a much nicer place. Because it was unfamiliar to her and she has "haircuts" she wants to do. Which is about 1 haircut a week, if that and...
Fuck I hate it... I am living with someone so incompatible with me and that is my own mother.
It is like a radio station I refuse to tune into. Her way of thinking is...
I am so tired. I don't want to be critical of her or other people.
And I internalize all this anguish. Blaming myself. Blaming myself for not making the moves I needed to make at the time they needed to be done.
Because I could have avoided all of this.
Karlee and I appear to be drifting now. I don't blame her. When could I ever get to Australia? Was she really serious about us living together? If I do move there, would I be any happier? Would I feel independent? Would she make me happy and I, her?
There is so much I haven't written down. How it all went with us during those two weeks.
She is such a beautiful soul. She has been through so much. She doesn't deserve the life she has to suffer through.
Neither do I.
Each day I think about how to get out of this and I am only left with one idea. Win the lottery. I am willing to accept divine intervention. I NEED divine intervention at this point.
Yet my mind is conflicted about who exactly is in charge of this place. Evil. Evil must be in charge. It is written in scripture. How could Satan tempt Jesus with all the kingdoms of the world if he didn't have that power to grant him such riches? It is even said in Bible that "Satan is the ruler of this world" and the Cathars agree to the same.
I am going off such serious tangents with this entry. My day starts and ends pretty much the same.
I am caught in a trap. A loop of nothingness. Of sameness. Of hopelessness and a lack of direction.
My faith has crumbled.
But something remains. There is still a light flickering in my soul.
I still believe in a Creator. A good God. A place in the universe that is filled with good smart people who aren't so easily fooled and want the best for one another. A world that doesn't demand us to have to pay to survive in it. A world that embraces imagination and creativity and the arts. A place where truth and beauty is revered. Where honesty and compassion prevails. Where suffering is minimized and freedom is given the highest priority.
A world where one could have the basic necessities of life provided, free of charge. Shelter, clothing, food, medical care and education.
Failing that, there are spiritual realms where existence isn't as fragile and disrespected like ours is.
Realms where we could fly and converse with unique forms of life. Places where we can live in happiness and harmony with shared values.
Places where there is not so much corruption and evil as it is here.
I am tired of this place. I do not belong here. I am thankful for my childhood, for the wonderful movies and books and music that has given me immense joy over those years.
There no longer are any new movies, books and music being made that stir my soul the way they once did. Everything is politicized with a social agenda attached. Nothing is coming from the heart because everything is coming from a place of wanting money and to get certain messages across.
The holy spirit has withdrawn itself from our nation. Western countries are no longer under its protection and guidance.
We are living in these mad times. I am living in a mad house.
Upon a mad world filled with mad people.
Every day has been almost identical to the last.
I've had enough. I need help. I need a miracle.
I need my father to whom I cry out to on a daily basis.
I want to go home.
I want to be loved and to love.
Is anyone or anything reading this?
Please respond if you are.
Please help me somehow.
Please.
I need a miracle.
I deserve one.
There are people including myself that I want to help.
Millions in the lottery would do it.
If it wasn't rigged.
But I believe divinity has its ways and is full of surprises.
The time to surprise is now.
I cannot send a distress signal any louder than this.
I am running on fumes and my reservoir is empty.
There is no reason for me to be here.
Please Father.
And those who serve Him.
Heed my cries.
And know that I will follow and sing your praises to the end of my life.
Should a hand be offered.
Is anyone there?
