Thinking about Karlee today and I have to say, it sucks how our relationship evolved to this point.
Over the last few days we haven't been chatting much. It seemed to have started about 3 days ago when she took offense to things I've said to her. Stuff that I am having trouble clearly defining in terms of how to prevent a reoccurrence in the future.
Not commenting on her medical condition, not commenting on her children's needs...
She brought up the fact that she regrets sharing personal information about her life. She didn't say she regrets sharing it with me, but it was implied.
On paper, it seems like she has a gripe worth considering and respecting but...
I keep thinking that I didn't say anything that offended her like she claims I did.
Does that make me insensitive? Or does that make her overly sensitive?
I believe intention has to be considered in all of this. Why would I put her down, make her feel small or irritate her in anyway knowingly? Why would I be motivated to say things that irritate and has her distancing herself away from me?
She is a good woman but... she's been through a lot.
Her beauty is in the pain she's experienced. Her beauty is in the willingness to keep going. Her beauty is that magical mind of hers that whirs like mine did up until a year ago. A memory that recalls the most obscure of quotes in a movie only seen once or twice; a mind that somehow managed to wire itself into the best ideological fortress to better navigate the troubles and challenges she is dealing with.
And she is dealing with a lot. Not unlike myself who is dealing with very little that I have disconnected myself from wanting to deal with much of anything at all.
Texting her today was tough. I could see the distance between us and I was mindful of her not wanting to share personal details. She didn't comment much on what I had written and didn't ask many questions of me. I would've liked to have heard about the cupcakes she baked last night, what flavor were they? What did they look like? What kind of icing did she use? Were they decorated well? Are any left?
These are questions I normally ask but... I shouldn't have to. I would prefer she volunteer that information herself. When much of our conversations revolve around me asking questions while she delivers a terse reply without anything to build off of, it means communication between us is falling apart.
I admit, a few days ago I told her that I have little hope for the future. Not for the future of the relationship per se, but the future in general. My life is as close to the bottom as it gets as I've described in previous posts. I don't have privacy, I don't have sanctuary like I used to, I can't even choose my own meals and when I eat them or any of the things I used to enjoy doing when I lived back in Fort Sask.
So maybe she saw that and took it at face value, thinking that if I am feeling this way, there's no point in engaging with me further. Without hope means without hope. Do I expect her to give me any?
That is a good question. Previously we talked about having a life together, my moving to Australia and she enticed me with many possibilities to do so.
She gave me hope in building a life with her but...
I am so at the bottom of it all. My finances are wrecked, my home and most of its possessions are gone, I am living in the city that I had said for years I would not want to be in and worst yet, living with my mother with no job and a 14 year old vehicle that can barely function.
How do I get from HERE to THERE is what I want to know. The answer always is money. With money I can move into an environment I feel comfortable and secure in, with money I can dream again about such ideas as moving to Australia where it costs $10,000 to get a visa in order to *maybe* live there.
And while there, then what? Will I not have to work and earn my keep? Can I find a good job? Could I be an asset and not a liability while I am with her? If I had 6 million dollars, that opens up a lot of possibilities. With next to zero dollars, it opens up none.
Perhaps a part of me is still traumatized by what I've gone through. Imagine your home going up in flames one day and most of the possessions in it are lost. Adding to that, insurance won't cover for the damages and you are forced to move in with a relative that you cannot see eye-to-eye with in a city that is noisy and alienating coming from one that is peaceful and welcoming.
Adding to that, while in the fire, you suffered damages to your body that makes it difficult if not impossible to work and you cannot get government assistance.
Imagine that scenario for a moment. You have almost nothing and your mental state is being grinded away each and every day living in an environment that is not conducive to your well being.
This is what I am challenged with at the moment and I look at just my life and feel stumped by what to do about it all. Much less thinking about what it would be like if I were to move to Australia.
Karlee is a good woman. One that I am deeply grateful for having met but...
She's pushing me away now and I can't say that I blame her for it. Whether it was because of what happened three days ago or if it is because of how deeply I am traumatized and shell-shocked by what feels like PTSD from not having my own place.
At the same time, Karlee has her own traumas and issues to heal and resolve. Part of that involves her medical situation and her family as well as the legal proceedings she will soon be going through.
She is going to be going through a LOT in the months to come. Fighting to secure her freedom and I have been rallying behind her for all that.
But the differences between us is that she has resources and a means to get herself out. Myself, I don't know where to even begin.
The more I think about what to do, the more certain I am that I need a miracle to pull me out from all this. I had thought that Karlee would be that miracle but I realize even if she was, I cannot in good conscience allow her to do all of the work for me or even most of it.
I still feel like I am in her debt for coming all this way to see me and I still feel like I wish we would have met years ago when I was at my very best. Psychologically, spiritually, physically and financially.
But I could not have met her then. I had to meet her weeks ago. A year into my crisis with all the damage that it brought.
I... have been searching for years, hoping for years that the right woman would come along and we could build a life together. It almost seems like a farce to have the universe drop this woman on my doorstep at the time that she arrived.
Can the knife be twisted any deeper than it already has?
What is the way out from all this? Prayer? Meditation? Learning to astrally project?
Winning the lottery?
Here I am knowing what the problem is but the solution evades me to the extent that I would rather not confront the reality of not having a reasonable plan and approach for getting me back on track with life.
And the news each day is depressing. Yesterday the Kelowna wildfires raged and it may mean my aunt and uncle will have to evacuate. Days before that was the incident at Maui where it looked like a nuclear detonation took place and the emergency response to the situation has all the earmarks of it being done deliberately.
Each day I gather more evidence that this world is evil and that we are in the "end game" of what appears to be complete enslavement of mankind through digital and kinetic means.
How does one find reason to continue to exist in a place like this? Where children are indoctrinated with satanic ideas and told they can mutilate their bodies on a whim without parental involvement? What kind of world is it that basic shelter is becoming unaffordable and hard to find? Why are the floodgates open to immigration when we are having trouble affording the basic necessities ourselves and to keep our health care system running without compromise?
I could go on and on but... That is not the kind of world I want to live in. It's not the kind of world I would fight for and judging by the majority of people, they are asleep and do not care to fight for it either.
I'm glad I do not have children. I cannot imagine the responsibility that comes with being a parent. I would be going insane knowing what is being taught in their schools and that it is happening nearly worldwide. Like it was part of a grand plan...
But there are things worth fighting for and believing in and one of those virtues is love. Loving and being loved by someone likeminded who shares similar values is priceless beyond measure. It was all I wanted since I was a teenager, when I would lay in bed as a 15 year old and imagine me walking on a beach holding hands with the woman of my dreams. I still remember how the waves crashed in my mind and the smile on my lady's face as our bare feet touched the sand and the surf.
That was... close to 30 years ago. How far have I come since in realizing that dream?
Karlee is about as close as it can get to my dream girl. She's introspective, smart and seems like a good mom to her kids, She deserves love in her life the same way that I do and have dreamed about.
I think that is what drew us together. We both want the same things.
We also both know we can provide for and fulfil each other's needs.
But with the way our conversation has been going the past few days, I... I imagine a similar scenario playing out in Australia where she might find some disagreement about an opinion I might have on how to raise her kids. As a stepfather, I would not be given parental rights or any kind of authority. As a man of the house, I would be deferring any decisions made about kids to their biological mom. As it should be.
So what then would happen if she disagrees with me or interprets a remark of mine the wrong way? How will that be resolved?
I am reminded of the difficulty in presenting a logical case to someone who is operating on emotion. I have for years problem-solved by laying out the facts and going with where the weight of evidence best supports a resolution. With many women, including my own mother, logic does not factor much into what they feel.
It seems like validating the individual's concerns is the first step and when they've calmed down enough, problems can be worked out with logic, compassion and mutual involvement.
But situations like this, where I am given five or six different things all at once saying that I did something "wrong" without... clearly explaining what it is and then retreating into a shell afterwards or defaulting into a state of anger... what is there for me to do after explaining myself as well as I am able? What happens when a thoughtful addressing of each issue is tossed to the side and anger still simmers?
I don't have an answer to that. Is this a fact of life that I have yet to learn about relationships? I don't know. I know that people don't always hold to their word and are not always able to distance themselves appropriately enough to objectively analyze and consider the other person's point of view. Some people like my ex, are quick to instigate conflict inside of a good situation. If the relationship is going really well, there has to be some effort of undermining it instead of building on the momentum and keeping everything together.
I wonder if that is kind of what this is. Unconscious sabotage. Whether I am responsible, she is or we both are; it still is a possibility worth considering.
I don't know man...
I just know that I didn't sign up for a life like this. I prayed and meditated and wished upon many stars in the decades I've been around. Not a whole lot has happened to steer the ship into the direction I most wanted it to go. Whose fault is that? You would think its all on me and for the most part, that is correct but when I analyzed certain events in my life, I could see the hidden hand of something dark and sinister on the other side making bad things happen. Whether its attracting the wrong type of person or clouding my mind to the point where I couldn't write my book with any clarity or... putting me in strange situations that seemed to leave me worse off not trusting my intuition...
It is such BS.
Such a joke.
If it were benevolent forces that brought Karlee to me, it is certainly malevolent forces that will feed off our suffering once we would inevitably be apart.
At the very least I am grateful for having met her. She helped me through a hard winter with being able to look forward to her arrival.
I need to do something equally as profound for her. I don't know what. I wish I could win the lottery, pack my things up and buy a place in Australia to surprise her with.
She and her kids deserve better. I would like to be the catalyst of that. Even if she was never to speak to me again, I still would want to her to be doing well. Debt-free and secure in a peaceful and loving environment. Even if it would cost a million dollars to do it with.
Money that I would be glad to spend on her.
Well, I've only met a handful of good women in my life.
And she's one of them.
Thank you Karlee.
I love you.
