A Good Woman II

 It's been another day of not talking with Karlee online. It came after yesterday in which she told me that she wouldn't be able to chat with me at work as often because of the monitoring they are doing and that she wanted to focus on projects. Fair enough.

But for me it was a stab to the heart. A few days earlier she turned off the "last online" feature on Telegram and attempted to convince me that it was always that way and "creepy" which was not at all an issue in the months we've been chatting. 

Putting two and two together along with her emotionally distancing herself, I get it. She's done. Her words about loving every cell in my body and wanting me to live with her in Australia - are pretty much that. Words.

And... I have to make peace with that. I've been on that rollercoaster before being given empty promises and it doesn't hurt now as much as it did then. Is that a good thing? To harden my heart further? I'm not sure but I am reminded of the phrase, "that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

Or more disenfranchised with relationships. Less optimistic about future ones and a natural cynicism and distrust that will spring up should I ever find the right kind of lady I would want to be with.

The thing about Karlee and I is that we share similar ideas in our minds about what we want from a relationship. We both wanted the same type of experiences and shared similar values. I am still wishing I had met her years ago when I wanted exactly that type of person in my life but was occupied with another who did not deserve all the attention I had given her.

I have to say, that Karlee was probably the most deserving woman I've met so far. I really wanted to give her everything she hoped for with us. I did. But I couldn't. I am thankful she overlooked my not having much money, not having a job, feeling completely alienated and alone, not having my own place, living with my mother, no plans for the future, difficulty with my hearing, a heaviness in my heart from the last relationship I was in and so on. She accepted all of that prior to coming here to meet me.

What a beautiful spirit that is. I only wish I could have delivered on exactly everything we had hoped for in the time she would be here. Implied and otherwise.

But the reality is that I'm crushed. I'm without dignity, without optimism and hanging by a thread to this world that I don't quite consider myself a part of anymore.

If only we had met a few years ago.

When I had my own place, money, a working car and the freedom to go and do whatever I wanted.

Those were good years. I miss them terribly.

Earlier today I was reading up on Eric Dubay's website and went over several articles. He wrote papers on giants in the past, the nature of our reality, consciousness, life after death, the NWO, flat earth and so many other subjects that I drank it all in to see if anything new would elevate my understanding of this place we are in, my role in it and where I am to go when I die.

As I stared at an orange moon tonight at the park, I contemplated the point of all this. For the longest time I had thought that the reason I was here was to love and be loved. Perhaps this still is true, but I am now wondering what is an alternate purpose in addition to what I desire?

Why am I here exactly? Did I choose to come by choice or coercion or manipulation or obligation?

There are four options to ponder. 

Choice - Advocates for taking full responsibility for the body that I have, the experiences I've gone through, the highs and the lows - everything, for the purpose of spiritual growth. 

The problem with "choice" however is that someone like Karlee with T1 diabetes would have a hard time justifying such a physical disability in her decision to incarnate. I can say the same for others as well as myself in choosing to be born with impairments that can dramatically lessen the quality of one's life. Even if this was true, it still would not explain why someone would choose to be born in North Korea for instance or to die prematurely. Who would decide to come here so they could be murdered or raped or homelesss or penniless? Abused? Trafficked?

Coercion - Suggests that we do NOT want to be in our physical bodies here on Earth and were forced into them anyways. A common sentiment expressed in NDEs is that the experiencer did not want to return but were told they had a "mission" to complete without them knowing exactly what this mission involves doing. If this reality demands an influx of souls to keep it operating, it would make sense to ensure that all forms of persuasion is employed to get discarnate spirits to reincarnate as quickly as possible regardless of how good or bad of a person they are. 

Manipulation - Follows on the track of coercion in that we are intentionally deceived about what this place is and our role in it. Given the state of the world as I know it; deception and trickery is a big part of how the "elites" become as wealthy and influential as they are. They serve the "machine" and will follow its directives to ensure an agenda is carried out. We can call such beings traitors to the human race as they clearly serve an intelligence interested in full control over our money, our minds, our bodies and our spirit. Humans, aliens, demons and angels are all complicit and will use manipulation tactics in order to achieve their goals. The opposite of manipulation would be to encourage self-responsibility and helping that individual to become more capable and enlightened in their time on this "planet". 

"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."

We are not being taught to fish in this current state of affairs. Rather, we are made more and more dependent upon a government that clearly does not support an independent free-thinking society able to pursue its dreams for prosperity and to realize the fullness of their potential.

Obligation - This last possibility for why we are here is that of obligation. We are here because we agreed to it and are bound by conditions/agreements that we have little to no memory of. Perhaps obligation might also suggest we are confined to the Earth and there is no other place to be. Although entheogens, OBEs, astral projection and other such methods of experiencing worlds on the other side of the "veil" may indicate alternate realities exist; it does not necessarily mean we have the right to exist in any of these places. Perhaps this could tie into the idea of spiritual growth in that we are placed here to graduate and be given "passports" to these higher/alternative realms once we prove ourselves here. This could be the obligation we have agreed towards. 

But I digress. This post is about Karlee and I want to tie-in what I learned from Eric Dubay to our relationship. 

We both want out of this place. We both share similar sentiments. We both have suffered immensely in our time here.

We are bonded by these ideas. Regardless if we are in a relationship or not. 

If she had met me and I was a millionaire, it would have been so different with us. I would have that confidence and ability to give her exactly what she wanted. My mental and physical health would be improved and I wouldn't feel like a liability around her. 

But she met me when she did. At the lowest point in my life.

And looking back, I am grateful for our hearts to have come together the way they did even if the physical reality did not match up to our expectations.

But what has it all resulted in? Further disappointment? Where is the "script" that gives a happy ending to any of all this? Would I be moving to Australia? Will we ever see each other again? 

What has resulted in some memories that I appreciate having. The card she wrote me, the Tim Tams she brought, the lingerie she wore.

But what now? She has emotionally distanced herself and as a result, I've found myself doing the same.

There is a lesson in all of this that I am trying to excavate. 

I don't want that lesson to be "don't trust others, do not take them at their word" because that is the opposite of the world I want to live in.

The lesson might be that there are good people in the world and no one is perfect. Love is about fully accepting the flaws of another and feeling valued and appreciated around them.

I can say for sure that Karlee accepted me completely as I did with her.

I think that's the definition of love in my books. It may not be like it is in the movies, but it is the base foundation of it all.

Sadly, it will be difficult to continue a relationship over such distance with so many obstacles between us to manage and overcome.

Especially if I can't find faith and optimism in my situation.

Perhaps this way is best.

Although I doubt it. I would really like to surprise her one day by showing up on the beach at Tootgarook and giving her a big smile and a hug. The look on her face would be priceless.

But I'd need to be wealthy in order to do that. My life needs to get back on track.

And it is so hard to set this derailed train back upright.

My faith is operating off of fumes.

The world is being taken over by a sinister intelligence that wants us all under its thumb.

And divine intervention is needed.

Both in my life and in the world at large.

If I could choose my life prior to incarnating, I would not have chosen events to unfold as they did. If I knew what to expect ahead of time, I would plan and prepare and triumph with all glory being given to "God" in that He has allowed for me to realize a happy and purposeful, loving existence.

Yet that is not at all what I am experiencing now.

Many people are struggling and suffering in their own ways.

I am not alone and neither is Karlee.

I'm glad to have met a kindred spirit.

I'm happy for us to have shared our souls.

Perhaps another time, another life.

We'll get it right.

I am honored to have met her when I did.

It's a shame it couldn't work out.

Unless...

The miracle comes.

And that is all the hope I have left in this world for.

A miracle.

Let it be so.

 

A Good Woman

Thinking about Karlee today and I have to say, it sucks how our relationship evolved to this point.

Over the last few days we haven't been chatting much. It seemed to have started about 3 days ago when she took offense to things I've said to her. Stuff that I am having trouble clearly defining in terms of how to prevent a reoccurrence in the future.

Not commenting on her medical condition, not commenting on her children's needs... 

She brought up the fact that she regrets sharing personal information about her life. She didn't say she regrets sharing it with me, but it was implied.

On paper, it seems like she has a gripe worth considering and respecting but...

I keep thinking that I didn't say anything that offended her like she claims I did.

Does that make me insensitive? Or does that make her overly sensitive?

I believe intention has to be considered in all of this. Why would I put her down, make her feel small or irritate her in anyway knowingly? Why would I be motivated to say things that irritate and has her distancing herself away from me?

She is a good woman but... she's been through a lot.

Her beauty is in the pain she's experienced. Her beauty is in the willingness to keep going. Her beauty is that magical mind of hers that whirs like mine did up until a year ago. A memory that recalls the most obscure of quotes in a movie only seen once or twice; a mind that somehow managed to wire itself into the best ideological fortress to better navigate the troubles and challenges she is dealing with.

And she is dealing with a lot. Not unlike myself who is dealing with very little that I have disconnected myself from wanting to deal with much of anything at all.

Texting her today was tough. I could see the distance between us and I was mindful of her not wanting to share personal details. She didn't comment much on what I had written and didn't ask many questions of me. I would've liked to have heard about the cupcakes she baked last night, what flavor were they? What did they look like? What kind of icing did she use? Were they decorated well? Are any left?

These are questions I normally ask but... I shouldn't have to. I would prefer she volunteer that information herself. When much of our conversations revolve around me asking questions while she delivers a terse reply without anything to build off of, it means communication between us is falling apart.

I admit, a few days ago I told her that I have little hope for the future. Not for the future of the relationship per se, but the future in general. My life is as close to the bottom as it gets as I've described in previous posts. I don't have privacy, I don't have sanctuary like I used to, I can't even choose my own meals and when I eat them or any of the things I used to enjoy doing when I lived back in Fort Sask.

So maybe she saw that and took it at face value, thinking that if I am feeling this way, there's no point in engaging with me further. Without hope means without hope. Do I expect her to give me any?

That is a good question. Previously we talked about having a life together, my moving to Australia and she enticed me with many possibilities to do so.

She gave me hope in building a life with her but... 

I am so at the bottom of it all. My finances are wrecked, my home and most of its possessions are gone, I am living in the city that I had said for years I would not want to be in and worst yet, living with my mother with no job and a 14 year old vehicle that can barely function.

How do I get from HERE to THERE is what I want to know. The answer always is money. With money I can move into an environment I feel comfortable and secure in, with money I can dream again about such ideas as moving to Australia where it costs $10,000 to get a visa in order to *maybe* live there.

And while there, then what? Will I not have to work and earn my keep? Can I find a good job? Could I be an asset and not a liability while I am with her? If I had 6 million dollars, that opens up a lot of possibilities. With next to zero dollars, it opens up none.

Perhaps a part of me is still traumatized by what I've gone through. Imagine your home going up in flames one day and most of the possessions in it are lost. Adding to that, insurance won't cover for the damages and you are forced to move in with a relative that you cannot see eye-to-eye with in a city that is noisy and alienating coming from one that is peaceful and welcoming.

Adding to that, while in the fire, you suffered damages to your body that makes it difficult if not impossible to work and you cannot get government assistance.

Imagine that scenario for a moment. You have almost nothing and your mental state is being grinded away each and every day living in an environment that is not conducive to your well being. 

This is what I am challenged with at the moment and I look at just my life and feel stumped by what to do about it all. Much less thinking about what it would be like if I were to move to Australia.

Karlee is a good woman. One that I am deeply grateful for having met but... 

She's pushing me away now and I can't say that I blame her for it. Whether it was because of what happened three days ago or if it is because of how deeply I am traumatized and shell-shocked by what feels like PTSD from not having my own place.

At the same time, Karlee has her own traumas and issues to heal and resolve. Part of that involves her medical situation and her family as well as the legal proceedings she will soon be going through.

She is going to be going through a LOT in the months to come. Fighting to secure her freedom and I have been rallying behind her for all that.

But the differences between us is that she has resources and a means to get herself out. Myself, I don't know where to even begin.

The more I think about what to do, the more certain I am that I need a miracle to pull me out from all this. I had thought that Karlee would be that miracle but I realize even if she was, I cannot in good conscience allow her to do all of the work for me or even most of it.

I still feel like I am in her debt for coming all this way to see me and I still feel like I wish we would have met years ago when I was at my very best. Psychologically, spiritually, physically and financially. 

But I could not have met her then. I had to meet her weeks ago. A year into my crisis with all the damage that it brought.

I... have been searching for years, hoping for years that the right woman would come along and we could build a life together. It almost seems like a farce to have the universe drop this woman on my doorstep at the time that she arrived.

Can the knife be twisted any deeper than it already has?

What is the way out from all this? Prayer? Meditation? Learning to astrally project?

Winning the lottery? 

Here I am knowing what the problem is but the solution evades me to the extent that I would rather not confront the reality of not having a reasonable plan and approach for getting me back on track with life.

And the news each day is depressing. Yesterday the Kelowna wildfires raged and it may mean my aunt and uncle will have to evacuate. Days before that was the incident at Maui where it looked like a nuclear detonation took place and the emergency response to the situation has all the earmarks of it being done deliberately.

Each day I gather more evidence that this world is evil and that we are in the "end game" of what appears to be complete enslavement of mankind through digital and kinetic means.

How does one find reason to continue to exist in a place like this? Where children are indoctrinated with satanic ideas and told they can mutilate their bodies on a whim without parental involvement? What kind of world is it that basic shelter is becoming unaffordable and hard to find? Why are the floodgates open to immigration when we are having trouble affording the basic necessities ourselves and to keep our health care system running without compromise?

I could go on and on but... That is not the kind of world I want to live in. It's not the kind of world I would fight for and judging by the majority of people, they are asleep and do not care to fight for it either.

I'm glad I do not have children. I cannot imagine the responsibility that comes with being a parent. I would be going insane knowing what is being taught in their schools and that it is happening nearly worldwide. Like it was part of a grand plan...

But there are things worth fighting for and believing in and one of those virtues is love. Loving and being loved by someone likeminded who shares similar values is priceless beyond measure. It was all I wanted since I was a teenager, when I would lay in bed as a 15 year old and imagine me walking on a beach holding hands with the woman of my dreams. I still remember how the waves crashed in my mind and the smile on my lady's face as our bare feet touched the sand and the surf.

That was... close to 30 years ago. How far have I come since in realizing that dream?

Karlee is about as close as it can get to my dream girl. She's introspective, smart and seems like a good mom to her kids, She deserves love in her life the same way that I do and have dreamed about.

I think that is what drew us together. We both want the same things.

We also both know we can provide for and fulfil each other's needs.

But with the way our conversation has been going the past few days, I... I imagine a similar scenario playing out in Australia where she might find some disagreement about an opinion I might have on how to raise her kids. As a stepfather, I would not be given parental rights or any kind of authority. As a man of the house, I would be deferring any decisions made about kids to their biological mom. As it should be.

So what then would happen if she disagrees with me or interprets a remark of mine the wrong way? How will that be resolved? 

I am reminded of the difficulty in presenting a logical case to someone who is operating on emotion. I have for years problem-solved by laying out the facts and going with where the weight of evidence best supports a resolution. With many women, including my own mother, logic does not factor much into what they feel. 

It seems like validating the individual's concerns is the first step and when they've calmed down enough, problems can be worked out with logic, compassion and mutual involvement.

But situations like this, where I am given five or six different things all at once saying that I did something "wrong" without... clearly explaining what it is and then retreating into a shell afterwards or defaulting into a state of anger... what is there for me to do after explaining myself as well as I am able? What happens when a thoughtful addressing of each issue is tossed to the side and anger still simmers?

I don't have an answer to that. Is this a fact of life that I have yet to learn about relationships? I don't know. I know that people don't always hold to their word and are not always able to distance themselves appropriately enough to objectively analyze and consider the other person's point of view. Some people like my ex, are quick to instigate conflict inside of a good situation. If the relationship is going really well, there has to be some effort of undermining it instead of building on the momentum and keeping everything together.

I wonder if that is kind of what this is. Unconscious sabotage. Whether I am responsible, she is or we both are; it still is a possibility worth considering. 

I don't know man...

I just know that I didn't sign up for a life like this. I prayed and meditated and wished upon many stars in the decades I've been around. Not a whole lot has happened to steer the ship into the direction I most wanted it to go. Whose fault is that? You would think its all on me and for the most part, that is correct but when I analyzed certain events in my life, I could see the hidden hand of something dark and sinister on the other side making bad things happen. Whether its attracting the wrong type of person or clouding my mind to the point where I couldn't write my book with any clarity or... putting me in strange situations that seemed to leave me worse off not trusting my intuition... 

It is such BS.

Such a joke.

If it were benevolent forces that brought Karlee to me, it is certainly malevolent forces that will feed off our suffering once we would inevitably be apart. 

At the very least I am grateful for having met her. She helped me through a hard winter with being able to look forward to her arrival.

I need to do something equally as profound for her. I don't know what. I wish I could win the lottery, pack my things up and buy a place in Australia to surprise her with. 

She and her kids deserve better. I would like to be the catalyst of that. Even if she was never to speak to me again, I still would want to her to be doing well. Debt-free and secure in a peaceful and loving environment. Even if it would cost a million dollars to do it with.

Money that I would be glad to spend on her.

Well, I've only met a handful of good women in my life. 

And she's one of them.

Thank you Karlee.

I love you.

A Day In The Life Of...

 I feel so dead inside. Another day of nothingness. No traction towards anything. Nothing good being reported on the news and nothing of interest online that I could find despite spending hours today looking at multiple forums and videos and Telegram groups.

I feel like I am done. Well and truly done with this place. I had thought a few days ago to write down a list of all the small/medium/big things that have been tormenting me during the time I've begun living with my mother but it would have been such a big list.

I'll try and describe how it went for me today, which is nearly identical to how it went for me yesterday and the day before that.

It starts with me waking up on a thin mattress in the basement. Slight hip pain, but I would rather be down here than in the bedroom next to my mother where she decided to decorate it herself. The window there also has parking lot floodlights aimed right at it. It is small and has no closet. Just a shelf where there are multiple random items my mom decided to place on it. Bars of soap, pictures, bathroom products, empty vases and nothing in that bedroom makes me feel like it is a place to call my own.

After waking up this morning and realizing that I was awake and alive in this world, it took about a minute before I felt a heaviness enter my chest causing me to cry. A couple of tears but this is how much I don't want to be here.

It wasn't even "morning" but 1pm around the time frame where my mother would not be home. She is usually out between noon and 2:30.

I come out of this basement which is loaded with food products and random items and have to physically push hard on the door with both hands to exit because it closes tight to the frame.

I then hear the welcoming creak of the floor where my mother who has ears like a bat, can hear where I am. Anywhere in the house. A creak upstairs will tell her I'm going to the one bathroom that we share, which is messy because of the items she places in it (floss dangling from the shelf). I go to the washroom, hear the creak and blow my nose but can't put the tissue in the garbage because my mother has the habit of placing a heavy jug of bath salt right on the lid and it can't be opened without it being removed. She does this frequently.

The bathroom lights emit an audible hum as I put my contacts in. Careful not to dry my hands on any of the four towels there because all of them are either dirty and/or have my mother's white hairs on them which covers my hand and keeps me from putting in a clean contact lens.

The floor creaks on the way out and I go outside to sit in my chair which faces an apartment complex where six balconies are directly facing into the yard. I immediately see two people sitting and looking down at me. In about twenty minutes, I see another couple on a higher balcony appear to sit down and play cards with each other for hours. Talking loudly all the while. They too can look down at me.

I pull out my phone to look at the news/emails/videos of the day. Eventually my mother arrives and slides the screen door open. This is something she does repeatedly throughout the day. Unexpectedly and often does odd things in the yard. Which isn't even a yard, but a fenced area with a concrete floor and no grass. My mother interrupts me repeatedly for no reason other than to constantly keep me on edge because I never know when she will slide that screen door open and say something. Even if it is to let our cat out, she will make loud baby noises which the people in the apartment complex can look down and hear.

Today the couple at the highest balcony actually talked down to us commenting on our cat. 

There is no privacy outside. Inside, I have no privacy either. All I have is a small basement with no place to sit except to lay on a thin mattress.

Because of how small the townhouse is, I can't sit on the couch because my mother likes to make noise in the kitchen or watch game shows on the television, which drives me nuts. The same shows over and over and over. Family Feud and Let's Make a Deal which is... entertainment for the easily amused, to put it gently.

We then had to go pick up my car which ... I am getting sad writing this already. My mother created a fuss over the bill saying things like "that doesn't look right" even though I had explained it to her and so did the people inside. The sound of her voice is difficult to bear. Even worse is the level of intelligence and ignorance she is displaying in public. Not understanding a simple item despite it being explained several different ways and ... you could tell the people there did not want to have to deal with her.

Finally I get my car and leave to go to the park. Away from the noise in the yard where if people aren't talking on the balconies across from me, there are crows squawking loudly that my mother likes to throw food at, thereby encouraging them to visit frequently. It is not an uncommon sight to see meat and pieces of bread scattered in the small yard. The sound of transit buses zip by every 15-20 minutes due to how close we are to the bus stop and because of how thin the walls are, I can hear the neighbor next to us watch tv. If none of those things are happening, sometimes we get screaming children who are playing. Loud enough that a man on the balcony said "shut up!" to them yesterday. This is a regular and frequent occurrence.

At the park is where I get some peace, but not really. There are no spots at the park where I am not interrupted by a loud car going by and people looking at me as I sit and/or people having picnic being noisy with talking or loud music being played.

I spend hours here each day. To get away from the madness of this house I am living in. One that I did not want my mother to purchase but she purchased it anyways, without asking me what I thought. Just one day "I'm putting down an offer" without my having even seen it.

I knew once I did what a mistake it was to get that place. One bathroom, creaky floors, facing a wall of apartment balconies, constant noise, hard water, a front door that creaks and squeaks and is difficult to close...

The madness of it all added to by my mother, who is not in her right mind herself. Obsessed with food and a freezer/fridge that is completely full with fruit flies buzzing about because she likes to leave food on the counter without covering it or storing it away. A half eaten banana, a partially chewed apple, an uncovered pot of soup sitting for hours and hours.

And she doesn't use dish soap to do the dishes.

I hate it. I hate it so much that I have to leave and go to the park.

Today was a rainy and cloudy day so not many people there. It was quieter and I would watch videos on my phone. Searching for something interesting but not really finding much.

My mind feels like its reaching out for a lifeline. Somewhere, somehow and unable to find one. Day after day. I am filled with information about UFOs, the afterlife/NDEs, politics, religion and subjects pertaining to spirituality. I am demoralized by most news, but end up following it just the same.

Today I watched the new Max Igan video. There is never anything good on it. Max showed clips of how AI can mimic a real person and the conclusion now is that we cannot trust who calls us on the phone because AI in the hands of consumers can now mimic anyone with a few voice samples. This then extends to forgery in photos/videos/audio which may soon be rendered inadmissible in court. Because everything can be faked in this new technocratic dystopia.

Karlee messages me at around 4pm my time but took until 5pm today. We seem to be drifting apart. The last three days it felt like a distance was put up between us. I don't think it was my doing. Our conversations are becoming less and less interesting as Karlee is sharing less personal information about herself.

She has been gone for 9 days now and I do not know if we will ever see each other again. Despite how she asserted repeatedly that I would be welcome to stay with her once she gets her own place. But... my financial situation will not allow for a $10,000 visa to be purchased so I can live and work with her in Australia. 

I don't even know if I want to live under an even more totalitarianism society than the one I am presently in. Moving towards all digital everything. A social credit system. The people of Australia are "ruled" by the Labour party which is the equivalent of the Liberals we have here. Progressives pushing the LGBTQ agenda hard and subjecting innocent children to questions about gender and sexuality at very young ages. Indoctrinating and conditioning them to accept the government approved narrative of everything from changing one's gender to "climate change".

In the 1980s when I grew up, it was all about saving the trees. The Amazon rainforest was being cut down and the levels of carbon in our atmosphere was going up because not enough trees were around to convert it all into oxygen. Fast forward to 2023 and we are now using paper straws and paper utensils and paper bags instead of plastic. Why? Because they want us off of oil and gas and are electrifying the grid. Turning everything into ones and zeros for an AI to have complete control of. 

They can now "kill" people at the push of a button. Rendering their access to medical services, transportation, money and jobs non-existent should such an individual is deemed a problem to have to deal with. This is the plan all along. Dissidents will be eliminated without firing a single shot.

I spend hours at the park thinking about such things. Listening to podcasts, reading articles and watching videos that all expose the corruption of the world we are living in. Hearing how we are in the "end times" and that aliens are being exposed and the population being intentionally reduced.

It is madness both in my personal life and in the world at large.

And Australia is further along than most Western countries in exacting total control over the lives of its civilians. 

It feels like there are no safe havens. Except for perhaps Mexico.

Throughout all this I am in despair, knowing how close I was to getting all of my debts paid and able to keep my own place with plenty of money left over for a new vehicle and a year or two of not having to work if need be.

But it did not work out that way. Because I woke up too late one day and didn't sell the Gamestop stocks when I should have. 

I curse myself and grieve and feel despair and hopelessness. I am caught in this loop of sameness. Wake up, feel sad, sit outside, go to the park until late and come home when my mother is asleep so as to minimize contact with her.

As good of a writer I can be at times, I cannot capture all the details that make my life so empty and bland and much like a hell.

I loved my peace and privacy and independence. Now, I skip breakfast and have to eat the dirty food my mom prepares. Suffer the shame of taking money from her. I cannot even put into words how it feels to be given twenty dollars and told to buy myself dinner. Oh, and do I need more money? How much? ... My mother is doing well with having sold my old place. She has plenty of money to get by with. She did not save for retirement and this is her reward. 

Living with me. Her "sunshine" that she is enjoying my being made completely dependent on her.

Neither of my parents suggested while I was in my 20s to get a place of my own. Nobody said a word. Had I been encouraged to do so, I would have been able to afford a good home under my own name with low mortgage payments. Now, it is impossible to reclaim what I once had. Especially because I no longer am working.

Which is another subject altogether and one I cannot hope to do justice with words. There are not enough words to explain my working situation. How I worked for 20 years doing hard labor in dirty and uncomfortable and dangerous situations as an insulator. Physically demanding and life threatening work. I got gassed at the the Suncor plant years ago and had to be hospitalized. It was demoralizing and disheartening work. I was happy to have had success in the stock market in 2020 until it all fell apart.

Now I have no options. I refuse to participate in this slave system. The world is crumbling and falling apart at the seams and we are to continue the illusion? 

I am thirsting for answers. I believe in Jesus and not necessarily the biblical depiction of him. I believe in God but feel the Bible has been designed for us as was the Quran.

These are control systems of the soul. Economic servitude is another control system. 

We are all slaves on this "ball" of dirt we call Earth. Here to learn "lessons" according to several spiritual gurus, channellers and those that have experienced death who have come back to describe what they have learned.

Karlee and I had this in common. Thinking about death and leaving this for good. I cannot talk with her any longer about the negative things going on in the world because she has two children and is in an abusive relationship. She needs all the hope and optimism she can get.

And all that is on my mind each and everyday is the negative. The loss of faith in humanity for allowing itself to get so manipulated by corrupt politicians, "experts" and the media. The majority by now should know how to exercise discernment and critical thinking, but many do not.

I don't want to share a world with these types of people. I am doing my best to accept that they aren't capable of questioning the world or themselves but it is so hard. So demoralizing and so lonely to accept that I seem to be the sane one who knows what is going on.

Mostly. I am still learning and studying and researching to know all of the details.

But this is what I do each day. Wake up, sit outside, go to the park until late and come home. 

There are so many details I am leaving out. The flies that constantly buzz around outside, the destruction of my credit score, the dental work I need done but can't afford, the old glasses I wear that hasn't been updated, the hearing aids that will eventually need to be replaced to the tune of thousands of dollars...

And my inability to travel and move about freely. I am stuck within a small section of Edmonton, a city I have loathed for years due to the potholes and constant mass of immigration coming through. At the Tim Hortons close by, it is routine for me to be the only white guy in the place. It is often filled with noisy Muslims who are sometimes dressed in their worship clothes. 

Nothing against Muslims but I am a stranger in the city of my birth. I no longer fit in.

Fort Saskatchewan was so much better but my mother refused to move there and live in a much nicer place. Because it was unfamiliar to her and she has "haircuts" she wants to do. Which is about 1 haircut a week, if that and...

Fuck I hate it... I am living with someone so incompatible with me and that is my own mother.

It is like a radio station I refuse to tune into. Her way of thinking is... 

I am so tired. I don't want to be critical of her or other people.

And I internalize all this anguish. Blaming myself. Blaming myself for not making the moves I needed to make at the time they needed to be done.

Because I could have avoided all of this.

Karlee and I appear to be drifting now. I don't blame her. When could I ever get to Australia? Was she really serious about us living together? If I do move there, would I be any happier? Would I feel independent? Would she make me happy and I, her?

There is so much I haven't written down. How it all went with us during those two weeks. 

She is such a beautiful soul. She has been through so much. She doesn't deserve the life she has to suffer through.

Neither do I.

Each day I think about how to get out of this and I am only left with one idea. Win the lottery. I am willing to accept divine intervention. I NEED divine intervention at this point.

Yet my mind is conflicted about who exactly is in charge of this place. Evil. Evil must be in charge. It is written in scripture. How could Satan tempt Jesus with all the kingdoms of the world if he didn't have that power to grant him such riches? It is even said in Bible that "Satan is the ruler of this world" and the Cathars agree to the same.

I am going off such serious tangents with this entry. My day starts and ends pretty much the same. 

I am caught in a trap. A loop of nothingness. Of sameness. Of hopelessness and a lack of direction.

My faith has crumbled.

But something remains. There is still a light flickering in my soul. 

I still believe in a Creator. A good God. A place in the universe that is filled with good smart people who aren't so easily fooled and want the best for one another. A world that doesn't demand us to have to pay to survive in it. A world that embraces imagination and creativity and the arts. A place where truth and beauty is revered. Where honesty and compassion prevails. Where suffering is minimized and freedom is given the highest priority.

A world where one could have the basic necessities of life provided, free of charge. Shelter, clothing, food, medical care and education.

Failing that, there are spiritual realms where existence isn't as fragile and disrespected like ours is.

Realms where we could fly and converse with unique forms of life. Places where we can live in happiness and harmony with shared values.

Places where there is not so much corruption and evil as it is here.

I am tired of this place. I do not belong here. I am thankful for my childhood, for the wonderful movies and books and music that has given me immense joy over those years.

There no longer are any new movies, books and music being made that stir my soul the way they once did. Everything is politicized with a social agenda attached. Nothing is coming from the heart because everything is coming from a place of wanting money and to get certain messages across.

The holy spirit has withdrawn itself from our nation. Western countries are no longer under its protection and guidance.

We are living in these mad times. I am living in a mad house.

Upon a mad world filled with mad people.

Every day has been almost identical to the last.

I've had enough. I need help. I need a miracle.

I need my father to whom I cry out to on a daily basis.

I want to go home.

I want to be loved and to love.

Is anyone or anything reading this?

Please respond if you are.

Please help me somehow.

Please.

I need a miracle.

I deserve one.

There are people including myself that I want to help.

Millions in the lottery would do it.

If it wasn't rigged.

But I believe divinity has its ways and is full of surprises.

The time to surprise is now.

I cannot send a distress signal any louder than this.

I am running on fumes and my reservoir is empty.

There is no reason for me to be here.

Please Father.

And those who serve Him. 

Heed my cries.

And know that I will follow and sing your praises to the end of my life.

Should a hand be offered.

Is anyone there?

The Eternal Womb

 It's days like today where I feel like I want to die and leave this world.

This morning I got up with remnants of a dream in my mind which had me thinking about the nature of dreaming and contemplating whether or not this is what the state of death would appear like.

Worlds that we create, placing ourselves in scenarios that are interesting and often elicit an emotional response.

The dream that I had today was about me evading capture by some force and I was running through a multitude of different rooms sliding and hiding and thinking I was clever in how I was making it through.

But it prompted thoughts about what the heck dreaming is even supposed to be. Why is it that we don't recognize we are in a dream? Do we not look around at the surreal environment/situation and think, "hey, I don't think I'm on Earth anymore." and this is how lucid dreaming can work, except for the most part, we carry on inside of a dream like it was reality. 

Oddly with my dream, I was fast and physical which isn't likely to happen in "real life" so... why was I so captured by the illusion enough that I felt myself thinking it was all "real" and then awake to find I only had fragments of memory regarding it?

It reminds me of how we get memory-wiped during each re-incarnation and how well it translates to the dream state. It seems that a similar process works while we sleep as well. We die to this world to emerge in another and we carry on as if nothing has changed. Sometimes we get superhuman abilities and face improbable and imaginative situations but each morning we awake with but a fraction of what transpired and carry on like the dream-state held no significance whatsoever.

Maybe we created that world? What does that say about how we are now in this waking state? Are we inside of a collective dream and the personal dreams are of our own making?

As above, so below. As within, so without.

But yes, I felt like dying today. I am quite tired of this place. I do not see a way out from the situation that I am in. Living with my mother in a small townhouse, subjected to constant noise and irritations and not having the responsibility of even deciding what I would eat as my meal each day or caring about anything like a job or future ambitions of any kind.

It's... detachment. I've detached from this world because I no longer want to participate in what is so obviously a realm that has been hijacked by nefarious actors. It is well known at this point the puppeteers have been engineering/herding humanity around for as long as history has been written. Whether it is through genetic manipulation in which we prove Darwin's theory of evolution to be incorrect in that we do not have a transitional human form or the various control systems (religions) designed to keep us docile and subservient. 

We are either slaves or animals on a farm. Either of those possibilities are frightening.

In researching the afterlife, astral travelling and logically fitting the pieces together; I keep arriving to the one question that I can't find a suitable answer for.

Are we here by choice or coercion? Did we agree to incarnate on this planet, and if so, was it done with the full information of knowing what we would be facing if we did? If we did not agree, were we tricked? Fooled into incarnating? 

Is Earth our true home or is it merely one realm of several in which we could potentially inhabit once we choose re-birth? Should we fight for the planet we exist upon or should we endeavor to leave it behind in search of greener pastures?

Because my research has shown me that this is place has been hijacked and is manipulated by entities/intelligences that do not have the best interests of humanity at heart. Throughout history we find various clues such as the legend of Atlantis, the Tower of Babel and more recent examples such as in the mid-1800s where a "reset" appears to occur and civilization begins anew.

The board gets cleared and a new game begins.

I've studied enough to know that this is what is going on. Humanity is caught in a cycle of time where various epochs mark the rise and decline of empires. New races, new technologies, new ideologies and belief systems, political structures...

It feels now that it was all leading up to this moment. Nearly 8 billion human beings are facing a control system like never before thanks to the internet and cell phones. If everything goes digital including the transaction of money; we are facing enslavement as a species. Surveillance will ensure that everything we do online will be recorded and used to determine our worthiness to participate in the technocratic system that is emerging as I type.

We used to be able to jump into a car, hitchhike or make phone calls without any record of our movement or conversations. That has all changed. Phone calls, text messages and even the websites we visit are all recorded and held in a repository, tied to our personal profile to be used against us should we not be in compliance with whatever the governing body demands of us. If its paying our taxes, consuming limited amount of meat, travelling less, not complaining about the educational or medical system and so on and so forth.

We are moving towards a society in where we will become sheep. There will be no freedom like we used to enjoy. Our ancestors who have fought for "freedom" will have given up their lives only so that we could appreciate a temporary taste of it.

No longer are we producing art that inspires and uplifts. No longer are there movies or music or books and comics and television shows and plays that glorify the independent and ferocity of the human spirit. Instead, we are subjected to propaganda pieces that celebrate "diversity" which is tearing the fabric of civilization apart.

I do not want to live in a place like this. Like in Star Wars, I feel the walls of the garbage compactor closing in.

I long to be with those of my kind. Critical thinkers who have values like myself. Who believe in goodness. Who cherish and express notions like love, beauty, compassion, prosperity, freedom, justice and Truth.

This is not that world in which these things are honored.

I spent a good amount of time this morning going over my "structure" of belief in how I think the world works and what it is for. I was fitting pieces together that makes sense and the picture that emerges is one without a doubt that we are existing in a reality in which nefarious entities seek to exercise the control of all of us, reverting humanity back to a state of feudalism.

It should not be this way. 

Many near death experiences describe how we are here to learn "lessons" and to spiritually evolve into our best selves. To realize the fullness of our potential and to enjoy the life and bodies we have been given for this purpose.

In these times, we cannot hope as critically thinking and moral beings to evolve and grow in such a stifling atmosphere.

It begs one to wonder where is "God" in all this? Moreover, what IS God exactly?

I have my theories. Perhaps God is the network that connects all of our minds together. It is not simply an external deity weighing infinite power and has infinite awareness with the ability to shape reality as it sees fit.

Maybe humanity is God. Maybe the collective is the ocean and each of us are the drops that exist inside of it.

Either way, I feel like I am done with this place. 

Robbed of my dignity, my dreams, my happiness... I see little reason to press on. 

Do we exist as wage slaves? Constantly chasing the carrot dangled in front of us? The means for more money, more freedom, more more more?

If humanity had not been infiltrated by these entities/fallen angels, imagine where we could be right now? Had we built the pyramids, we would retain that knowledge to this day. Perhaps creating the means of being able to eliminate poverty on a global scale and maximizing the freedom each of us are entitled towards as sovereign beings of flesh and bone.

The inventor of the water-powered engine would not have been assassinated.

Nor would leaders like Gaddafi who fought to elevate the citizens of Libya would have been eliminated.

Christ may not have been crucified.

Murder would be treated as the most serious offense and wars would no longer be permissible as a means to circumvent the sacred right each of us have to life.

Abortion would be made illegal. Technologies would emerge that would cure cancer and many diseases. There would be innovations in birth control, transportation, engineering and the production of food such as it was with dwarf crops decades ago when we faced a food crisis.

Our educational system would no longer indoctrinate our children and instead will provide them with the necessary skills they need to become the best human beings they can be. Foraging in nature, learning to keep their bodies in good health, respect for the sanctity of life, developing within them a genuine curiosity and a desire to evolve themselves spiritually.

Instead, education serves to create slaves who cannot think for themselves. Rewarding rote memorization of facts rather than encouraging critical thinking and self-sufficiency.

From order to chaos. The systems must all collapse so that the cycle begins anew.

A new system that will be ever more efficient at creating docile sheep. Fortified by fake food and contaminated water that degrades the quality of our consciousness and makes our physical vehicles dependent upon the medical institutions where such places are only concerned with the making of money rather than to cure or improve upon the human condition, looking at it all from a holistic point of view.

Had we been left alone, this world would have eliminated poverty many years ago. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education and medical/dental care all would be deemed basic human rights so that we would no longer be struggling to fulfill the lower parts of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

But we are not left alone. This world has been captured by beings that do not wish to reveal themselves to us. For evil operates in the shadows while goodness works in the light.

What is the point of living in a world that actively works to spiritually suppress us?

I've long believed that this was a consensus reality. If 51% of us agree on a certain way of being, it shall be.

But more than 51% of us appears oblivious and ill-informed on exactly what is going on. Many are content to pretend like the last three years is not anything to further investigate and put deep thought into contemplating. 

It is so obvious to me that we are manipulated and that our political "leaders" have been selected rather than democratically elected.

And it has always been this way. We now have the internet which has been invaluable in being able to research and confirm the facts of our enslavement.

Yet, we are held captive by distractions and responsibilities. Work, sleep, pay bills, watch television and sports and stare at the black rectangle in our hands. Doing things that do not inform us about the world in the little time that we have each day to introspect and contemplate such matters fully.

I am tired of this place.

Yet, I have some measure of faith that is ever-dwindling but cannot fully reduce. 

I believe there is great power within each of us and that the nature and plan of God is unknowable. At the same time, I have to wonder how much individual power we have. That I have, to be able to affect the desired changes in the world. 

A wise quote I remember reading suggested that in order to change the world we must endeavor to change ourselves. Be the change we wish to see.

And perhaps that is the solution.

Yet here I am, living with my mother, broke and broken.

There is no change I can affect other than these words of which I type.

I refuse to participate in my own slavery.

I yearn to be with Karlee and such a goal appears ever so distant and elusive.

I pray for the solution. The numbers that I know can unlock the keys of freedom and instantly restore that which has been taken from me.

But...

How is this to be done?

Will mercy be given?

Or do I first have to give it to myself?

Just how powerful am I exactly?

Is God within me?

Can the improbable become probable?

All these questions.

And I all I want is to go home.

Where I am loved and valued and in which I can love and value others also.

This is not that place.

May goodness somehow find its way to me.

Like it did with Karlee.

Amen.

My Australian Peach

 It finally happened. After meeting Karlee online in February, we spent two weeks together and it now has been about three days since we last saw each other.

I'm sad, of course. I love this woman and she loves me. I don't think I ever said "I love you" with as much ease and without any hesitation as I did with her. 

Yet, the truth is that she is over in Australia and I am here, in Canada. Almost 30 hours away by plane. Impossible to see her without a passport and money to be able to stay in Australia for any length of time to continue and develop our relationship.

It is disheartening to think about the distance between us. There is no way of either of us swinging by on a Saturday night to watch a movie together, to make love and wake up in the morning in the same bed.

These are difficult times as they are and both of us are in difficult circumstances in our lives. She is living with an abusive husband, young children with behavioral and developmental disorders and a medical condition that is at present, incurable and an omnipotent part of her daily life. 

She has a mother much like my own who relishes the creation of drama and strife in people's lives. Her mom even has the same breed of cat that mine does. 

We both met over our discontent over the state of the reality in which we inhabit. Her reasons are far more palpable and agreeable than my own yet we converge on general themes and ideas of why this world appears much like a farm for human energy that is populated by a robotic form of consciousness (NPCs) and possibly managed by what is popularly known as "aliens" which are in essence, avatars of the operating system tasked with keeping it running. This also includes the astral realm where technology is used to coerce and persuade the recently deceased to come to Earth for another round of life in a new body under the pretenses of having a "mission" to fulfill or "learning" to be done.

It is no secret that I feel like I have been manipulated by this place enough. I have felt betrayed by the forces I have long prayed towards and sought assistance from. I have reached the bottom of the pit by having to live with my money and going through bankruptcy with no real hope in sight for getting my life back to the way it was.

No hope that is, until I met Karlee.

It was a year ago I drove around outside of town looking for a suitable place to hang myself because I no longer wanted anything more to do with this life. I have spent considerable time looking at Near Death Experiences and putting pieces together to get a good sense of what the afterlife is and what our purposes are for being on this planet. 

I thought I was done and treated my life according to that fact. I no longer cared about work, about love, about money or sex or family or friends or ambitions. I had already mentally and spiritually checked myself out from this place and was making preparations for my physical exit.

Each day I was reminded in many ways big and small of how pointless this existence is. The majority of people who did not seem to acknowledge the manipulation and destruction of Western society through political means and media/corporate ideology. The purple haired heavily tattooed liberal feminist woman was the template by which I directed my contempt towards and the men that turned a blind eye to the degradation and ethical erosion of our society.

Each day I thought about the looming financial collapse, intentionally caused inflation, the weaponization of compassion servicing the LGBTQ+ movement and so on and so forth. I was thoroughly demoralized and without optimism for the future of humanity. Both my inner and outer worlds were collapsing and I wanted nothing more to do with the slave system I found myself in, run by cattle and the politicians and media personalities that herd them.

And then I met Karlee. This sweet strong lady who has endured so much struggle and heartache who decided to fly all the way here to come see me. Booking us Airbnbs to stay at for two weeks.

I have never felt more grateful for anyone in my life. Karlee was a gift that came out of nowhere. 

Those two weeks were magical and when they ended, felt like we emerged from a dream to be back to the way we were.

Back to this grotesque excuse for "reality" where everyone is struggling to earn enough money to be able to put food on the table and a roof over their heads while paying for their car, the insurance on their car, medical expenses, taxes, bills and so on and so forth.

Just working to survive. Chasing those dollars. Focusing on the superficial and ignoring the deeper questions of what type of world this really is and who runs it and why we are here.

 Karlee and I aren't exempt from the need to earn money to survive but we at least are asking and exploring the important questions.

Our time together started off nice and slow with me happily reminding her after a few days that we aren't even at the halfway mark and that we still had over a week left to go. Then, at the halfway point it felt like everything accelerated until the last day when we said our tearful farewells in the car and at the airport.

We both hate this place. Our bodies. Our circumstances. 

But together, hardly any of our complaints were a focus of conversation and that was a nourishing and satisfying way of being. Just being present. Cooking, cleaning, travelling, talking, kissing, touching, having sex... it was a window into another life. A look at the potential of our relationship.

And yet, we are so far apart from one another that it will be difficult to continue on without my going to Australia and settling down with her.

I don't know what to say... I want it to happen but a visa to Australia costs almost $10,000 if I plan on staying for more than a few months. That's for a work visa. A partner visa requires marriage and is about $10,000 also. I don't have the money for it and yet Karlee is optimistic and suggests we both can save and work together to make it happen.

But it's tough. Who knows how many months it will be before that happens. She has separated from her husband months ago and will soon be entering a stressful phase of legal battles to gain her freedom. It won't be easy. 

I am feeling so mixed about all of this. I know I want to be with her but in Australia? NWO central? Where they refuse organ transplants to the unvaccinated and have set up quarantine "camps" that they stuffed hundreds of people in during the pandemic? I followed one fellow who I knew ended up in that place and his account is no longer active. There's been no follow-up after he has been released.

IF he has been released. 

His website is no longer active also, in addition to his Twitter account.

So it's not good what is happening in this world. A part of me is completely done with it all and wants a conscious exit where I will assert my will and demand answers from whatever greets me on the other side. Continuing on living means further pain, heartbreak, loss of dignity, lack of purpose and who knows what else if I don't have some sort of epiphany or divine intervention involved.

And I'm hoping for divine intervention. I don't care from what direction it comes but I want and need a huge sum of money to get me back on my feet to seek my independence. Not just for myself, but for Karlee also and the few people I know who are awake and are going through difficult periods of financial hardship.

I want and will help those in need like myself. I cannot help everyone but I can help the handful of folks I know who will greatly benefit from having a good sum of money in their pockets to try and exist a little longer in this crazy reality we are in.

The supposed "end" times. 

Daily I've been watching the news and reading articles about what is going on. All manner of speculation and ideas have been digested and considered. The grand puzzle that I am piecing together is revealing itself to be an anti-human agenda where the freedoms we once enjoyed are being curtailed under the guise of ESG and anti-racist behavior. 

My personal outlook is a bleak one given the majority of us are jabbed and oblivious to what is going on. If this was a spiritual democracy, the majority appear to be in favor of being told what to do and are easily duped by media and political narratives.

Today I took the step of accepting all of this. My deplorable situation, the people in my environment, the political garbage being spewed out and its been a difficult and ongoing process.

But I have made some progress. 

There are really only two options for me. To live and to thrive, or to continue as I am and to prepare to die -- or at least, not participate for as long as I can until I pass.

The former is what I should be striving towards, the latter is a path to destruction and utter destitution.

Yet, I am constantly reminded of the home I once lived in. In private, decorated exactly the way I wanted it, choosing the food I want to eat, spending my time the way I want to spend it.

And it sucks having those memories. Those regrets of not cashing out my stocks the moment I saw them going down. I would have had 200k to pay off all my debts with about 90k left over for a new car and the chance to travel to places. Perhaps even to leave the country and move elsewhere.

But it all went to shit.

I'd like to say that there is no one and nothing to blame but myself yet I don't think that is completely accurate. I know external forces were at play during this critical period of my life. I remember well how I was compelled to go to that cabin near St Paul to drop off all the items that I did. I remember how it didn't make sense to take two passports with me and I did, only to somehow lose them along the journey.

I remember that feeling of being stranded out there in the middle of nowhere at 2am, cold and feeling this negative energy pressing itself down onto me. Feeling the push of forces that I could not see. I have no explanation for why it all happened the way it did. Unless it was done to purposefully cripple me so that I would not be able to follow the path that would have led me towards a grander purpose and meaning for my life and to benefit humankind with.

It shook my faith in a way I did not expect. Sending me into the depths of a darkness I could not have anticipated. 

And that is where I am right now. In the dark. Karlee is gone and it is up for me to seek the light of an exit that will get me out from this mess.

The real question is how do I achieve it with the crippling of my faith? I believed in God. I believe in the values of Truth, Love, Beauty, Compassion, Justice, Prosperity and Freedom for all that is ostensibly represented by this cosmic creator, this grand architect.

This post is serving a dual purpose. I want to to encapsulate my thoughts and to broadcast them out in the hopes that somehow they will reach the right destination. 

I need and require a miracle. For months now I have been thinking the only possibility left for me is winning a large jackpot in the lottery. 1, 6, 9, 11, 25, 44 are the numbers I've been playing since about March. I do not know if they will win and I am open to trying other numbers should somehow they reveal themselves to me and they have... 

11, 16, 24, 26, 42, 44 all entered my mind yesterday.

I believe there are powerful forces at play within our world. Forces that can receive messages like this and enable miracles to happen. I have suffered long enough. I want it to end. 

I want to win the lottery.

I'm ready for it. As crazy as the odds are, I believe it is possible even if the system is rigged.

I believe the past, present and future all exist simultaneously on a level unseen to us humans. 

I believe in goodness. I believe in mercy and compassion.

I believe there exists a higher force that can enable such miracles to happen. I've experienced many strange things in my life that have disrupted and shaped my understanding of what is possible in this world.

I did meet Karlee after all. At a time when I thought myself to be finished with relationships and have given up on love.

Yet, somehow we came together. Somehow we spent two weeks together in person.

And it was glorious.

It was a miracle.

Now I need a bigger one to help deliver the two of us. Six million dollars is the perfect amount for me to help those I know who are in need and to ensure my continued survival as well as Karlee.

Six million dollars... Even one million is fine, but six is absolutely perfect.

I am waiting.

The grand architect sees all.

Don't let me down again, please.

I will not take it for granted.

Thank you.

Lives are hanging in the balance depending on it.

The ball is in your court.