Hypocrisy

There is nothing in this world that bothers me more than someone who is hypocritical.

When someone claims X and does Y, I lose respect for them. When they do it over and over, I lose respect even more. When they are shown how wrong they are, with evidence and facts, and they continue to claim they are right: respect goes in the shitter.

And so... This has been the theme of today for me. I got up early at around 5:30 and didn't really know what to do with myself. I've really been trying to whip the house into order and cleanliness and so far it's been going well. I really had to push a few times, feeling compelled to take a nap or a "break" that goes on for too long and realizing that I'm going to hate myself at the end of the day if I don't achieve my goals.

It wasn't long... until maybe... 9am, when I started feeling "her" again... Or, well, feeling those odd physical sensations that seem to indicate a shift taking place. Look... I am a skeptic and I can't deny these things. I'm not... eager to believe that there is a connection. I honestly am keeping an open mind and exploring the possible explanations.

And so... Those feelings came up and I could only think it was "her" again. Somehow I knew... because.. I couldn't explain it otherwise.

Was she at the crystal bed? She does volunteer there on Sundays, so perhaps she was, and was thinking of me and/or feeling about me in a certain way. I don't know. Still not talking with her and cannot confirm if that is the case.

So... feelings came up and... I went by the river again. Negative stuff started coming in. I thought about all the false promises and hurtful actions that Fola had caused me. The main one I was especially fixated on, was when she once sent me photos of herself looking beautiful in a dress and makeup.

She was going clubbing with her sister that night and wanted me to see how pretty she was. She rarely does anything like this for me whenever she comes over. So... This really made me feel jealous.

But that's not the end of the story. Or why I was hurt.

She decided to go clubbing instead of seeing me.

She LIVES with her sister and sees her every day.

It was my first night coming back from out of town. Where I was gone for 3 weeks.

I had booked an expensive suite at a hotel that she told me she really wanted to visit someday.

I was excited for my homecoming. Until I wasn't.

Until I saw that she wasn't.

Even though I meant to keep the hotel a surprise and told her a week earlier not to make any plans, she said no. And decided to go out with her sister anyways.

Some nonsense about her having to have integrity and to keep her promises.

And... So... she...

Fuck, man...

Does this not demonstrate something profound about the way she feels? About how much I matter to her? I... spent 400$ on that room. I gave her fair warning. I *THOUGHT* she would be overjoyed. I *THOUGHT* she would tell her sister that they can go clubbing another time.

I thought that was an easy choice for her. Spend time in a fancy hotel suite with your boyfriend who you haven't seen for three weeks... or....

Hang out with her sister, instead.

And then... send me sexy photos of herself before she heads out.

Fucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!

That is NOT love.

That IS BULLSHIT.

And what's worse? I've forgiven her for that. I had to... didn't have much of a choice. I thought she would make it up somehow.

She never did. Never did bring up that hotel again. Didn't think to book us a room and surprise me to make up for her rejection.

I'll never forget that.. And that was the thing I was most thinking about today. Just that one simple act of rejection said a lot about her character. Said a lot about how important I actually was. Said a lot about... her ego.... her lack of sensitivity.... her... inability to reciprocate or to make things right.

So... From this central event, I branched off into other instances of her having rejected or betrayed me in ways that I couldn't imagine myself doing to the woman I love.

I can't... I know that if the roles were reversed, I would have not gone to a club with my brother. And if I did, I would always have this in the back of my mind and would want to make up for it.

She never did.

So... hypocrisy wasn't just this one event that didn't have much to do with hypocrisy, other than her excuse for clubbing being: "I promised my sister".

Well... Fola promised me a bunch of things that never came through.

She will make more of an effort, her last email says, only to post a video two days later about how twins shouldn't actually be together.

She promised a big trip for us this year... even the last time I saw her, she still said it like she believed it and she still has not made up for going on those three trips. Hurting me each time she did with the reminder that I wasn't going with her, and that our trip is less and less likely to happen.

That woman used me.

She lied to me. Deceived and created these false expectations. Leading me to believe in things that weren't going to come true. Things that she wasn't going to WORK at making come true.

Things that are supposed to just magically happen on their own. With no planning or effort.

But.. she could sure plan for Boston. For Vancouver. For that other place she went to in BC.

I'm sure she will able to plan for her trip to Brazil next month just fine. No problems with getting babysitting or money for that trip.

I'm disgusted at how I've let myself get strung along by her.

So much... anger is in me right now... this kind of... boiling... but.. I already know it's not helpful to nurture or feed into it.

I'm better than that.

I've accepted she did those things to me. And some of them have caused breakups, so it is not like I kept quiet about how she made me feel during those times.

I would be guilty if I gave her my blessing.

I would be...  guilty if I didn't say a word in protest.

But... I didn't... I told her exactly how all that made me feel.

And she still choose to ignore the consequences her actions were having on our relationship.

Why would I devote myself to someone like this? How can I TRUST someone who makes no effort to keep her word? Only telling me things I wanted to hear?

She would tell me these things... moving in with me... big trips.... us having children... us moving into an acreage... telling me about how she is visualizing our trip to Cuba... talking about names for our child....

I am such a sucker... such a dipshit.

Because I believed all that... Wanted to believe all that...

Gave her my faith.

And she took a steaming dump over all of it.

Her Facebook page... this girl on there left a comment on her twin flame video... saying she couldn't see herself ever separating from her twin. And Fola... Fola has the nerve to IMPLY that I couldn't be gotten along with. That I was not doing the "work" of connecting to my higher self and my higher purpose.

She IMPLIED the blame onto me. Not her... She's perfect. She's always working hard to improve herself and be more attuned spiritually. I mean, that's her goal. Helping people through their spiritual crises. Doing tarot readings, Reiki, sound therapy, you name it... She's a healer! She's enlightened and compassionate and more self-aware than the rest of us are.

And yet... she is not.

If she was truly compassionate... she would do Reiki more on me... Why?

Because I have a hearing problem. And yet... she never did think to try and heal that for me. She knew how much I was bothered by it. How it affected me. She knew and she didn't think to place her hands over my ears and to try and heal them.

That was the one thing I never disclosed to her, because otherwise, she would have realized it and done it and that gesture would have not been the same.

Because it wouldn't have been her idea.

Just like I said about how I shared my writing with her. My novel... my channeling... and a year later, she still had not asked me about reading more of what I wrote beyond the few pages I gave her.

And when I brought up this fact to her, she started asking me to send her a chapter of my book.

I still remember how she criticized my writing. She didn't say much. Didn't ask for more.. didn't offer any helpful or insightful feedback.

I am sorry Fola... but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Deeply ashamed.. and what is even more shameful, is that you are not.

You are hiding from holding yourself responsible for all that you've caused.

You did not put effort into us. Not meaningful effort. Not effort that made me believe in you.

Just minimal effort. Mostly words, and then you forget the words and things you promise a week, or days and sometimes hours, after you say them. Like you forgot everything I said the last time I saw you. Before you got upset.

And then you go on like nothing ever mattered.

That you have nothing to be blamed for.

Because you are perfect.

And you are all about unconditional love.

Finding and expressing it.

And yet... I had to argue with you for a hug. I had to suffer the rejection of a kiss as you were leaving my home. The way you turned your cheek at the last second.

And then... had the nerve to tell me to be more assertive and that perhaps I needed a "break" to re-center myself.

Because I was getting upset at how cold and distant she was all day with me. And the way she ended it by saying that we were getting "stagnant".

Upset because... I knew she wasn't focusing on us anymore. I knew the things she could do and say that would make our relationship great again. I knew what was missing and I was... so mindful of... the subtle things she would do that indicated disinterest and ego and pride and...

Laziness... selfishness... entitlements...

It... I was biting my lip at times... I couldn't believe that she had no awareness of the damage she was causing. So aware I was of her words that said one thing and did another...

She would text me these nice words sometimes... but she would never say them to me in person.

When I pointed it out, she promised she would be mindful of this.

She never did become mindful of it.

Another promise. Another lie.

She didn't like burlesque and knew how much I did. She's at a burlesque show right now.

I'm sick of her...

I deserve better.

And... this woman robbed me. She... took things from me and spat upon them. All the beauty of our relationship was... just thrills to her. Just fun and exciting things that she didn't have to work at deserving.

Fun and exciting until... she got tired and lazy and... egotistical.

Made excuses... Gave weird reasons...

Purging, releasing... hormones.. period... full moon, new moon, North Facing Aries... Cosmic energies...Tarot cards... Shamanism... fears...

I am so sick of her...

And yet... the pull is still with me.

Sighs.

I will not make the next move. I was tempted several times today to send her an email. Just expressing how... disappointed I am in her. Just... wanted to vent...

And I didn't... I know that I've written such things before to no effect.

My words won't make a difference to someone who does not respect or believe them.

Or would want to believe them... Hurtful words are only hurtful when you consider them to be true. And I know her ego will kick into defensive mode and will disregard everything I say.

She only believes what she wants to hear. And that is how she left it with us the last time she was over.

I tried telling her the truth, and she wouldn't listen.

So I tried telling her what she wanted to believe in.

And she listened.

Boy, did she pay attention to that. Even though I delivered those words in a sarcastic tone, I didn't think she would actually believe them.

But she did. Even when I told her what the point of my saying them were. That she only hears what she wants to believe.

She doesn't want the truth. Despite it being tattooed on her wrist.

Literally. On her wrist.

Veritas Lux Mea.

"Let the Truth guide me"

Hypocrisy... to a disgusting extreme.

It doesn't get much worse than this.

Except.. today... Well.. I've written enough. I interacted with a psychic earlier who fed me a bunch of false information but I don't have the energy to get into that right now. This person was a hypocrite as well and I called him out on it.

Good thing I didn't pay for the reading. But people like that disgust me.

They feed into the lies. Promote disharmony.

He told me that Fola was likely cheating on me with a younger man.

Well.. she doesn't like younger men.. and I can't see how she would find the time to cheat on me.

And lie with a straight face to me about it, knowing how strongly I would react if I found out.

Hypocrites...

My biggest pet peeve.

And...

I don't know how I can feel compassionate towards such people.

I want to be with someone who has integrity.

Values that they abide by and take seriously.

I want to have a partner who... is a good person. Or is making an earnest effort at becoming one.

Fola...

Is not that partner.

She has been given so many chances and opportunities.

I've forgiven her enough times... Gave her everything I had...

Read some of her letters to me last night.The ones she sent after each of our breakups. All the stuff in there is the same stuff she has promised to work on and make right. For over a year now...

And... she never did.

So... I have to make peace with all this.

I cannot... hold her with anger in my heart like this.

I have to let go.

And this means.. I have to...

Accept that she will never change.

And...

I'm not sure what my lesson is supposed to be from all this.

I don't know how I can... respect a hypocrite who continues to deceive and continues to display a shameful amount of ignorance and a lack of respect towards others.

Fola didn't ever lie to me... I don't think... but she... sure...

Deceived me.

Created false expectations.

Didn't earn my trust.

Kept breaking it. Kept demonstrating how she didn't have to prove anything to me,

Just wanted me to love her unconditionally no matter what. To be that dog wagging its tail hoping for crumbs to fall from the dining room table.

And hoping that someday... she would love me the same as I loved her.

And I really did love that woman.

But...

That ship has sailed...

And... My armor is back up.

Perhaps... that was what I was supposed to learn all along.

Always keep my armor on.

Even with the woman I love.

Thank you God....

For giving me this insight.

Thank you God...

For giving me Fola.

I will always remember her.

And how I stood up for myself.

And...

I hope I can...

Sighs...

Forgive her someday.. somehow...

But it has to be earned... if not, then the reasons behind her actions have to be understood.

And I don't understand them.

Why.. hurt the one you love?

...

Over and over?

And not realize it each time? Even when it is pointed out? Even when you claim to understand things more clearly and will work at preventing them from happening?

Well...

What's done is done.

Going to try and move on.

It's all I can do.

I wish I could believe in her.

But maybe...

She stopped believing in me.

Touche.