Hypocrisy

There is nothing in this world that bothers me more than someone who is hypocritical.

When someone claims X and does Y, I lose respect for them. When they do it over and over, I lose respect even more. When they are shown how wrong they are, with evidence and facts, and they continue to claim they are right: respect goes in the shitter.

And so... This has been the theme of today for me. I got up early at around 5:30 and didn't really know what to do with myself. I've really been trying to whip the house into order and cleanliness and so far it's been going well. I really had to push a few times, feeling compelled to take a nap or a "break" that goes on for too long and realizing that I'm going to hate myself at the end of the day if I don't achieve my goals.

It wasn't long... until maybe... 9am, when I started feeling "her" again... Or, well, feeling those odd physical sensations that seem to indicate a shift taking place. Look... I am a skeptic and I can't deny these things. I'm not... eager to believe that there is a connection. I honestly am keeping an open mind and exploring the possible explanations.

And so... Those feelings came up and I could only think it was "her" again. Somehow I knew... because.. I couldn't explain it otherwise.

Was she at the crystal bed? She does volunteer there on Sundays, so perhaps she was, and was thinking of me and/or feeling about me in a certain way. I don't know. Still not talking with her and cannot confirm if that is the case.

So... feelings came up and... I went by the river again. Negative stuff started coming in. I thought about all the false promises and hurtful actions that Fola had caused me. The main one I was especially fixated on, was when she once sent me photos of herself looking beautiful in a dress and makeup.

She was going clubbing with her sister that night and wanted me to see how pretty she was. She rarely does anything like this for me whenever she comes over. So... This really made me feel jealous.

But that's not the end of the story. Or why I was hurt.

She decided to go clubbing instead of seeing me.

She LIVES with her sister and sees her every day.

It was my first night coming back from out of town. Where I was gone for 3 weeks.

I had booked an expensive suite at a hotel that she told me she really wanted to visit someday.

I was excited for my homecoming. Until I wasn't.

Until I saw that she wasn't.

Even though I meant to keep the hotel a surprise and told her a week earlier not to make any plans, she said no. And decided to go out with her sister anyways.

Some nonsense about her having to have integrity and to keep her promises.

And... So... she...

Fuck, man...

Does this not demonstrate something profound about the way she feels? About how much I matter to her? I... spent 400$ on that room. I gave her fair warning. I *THOUGHT* she would be overjoyed. I *THOUGHT* she would tell her sister that they can go clubbing another time.

I thought that was an easy choice for her. Spend time in a fancy hotel suite with your boyfriend who you haven't seen for three weeks... or....

Hang out with her sister, instead.

And then... send me sexy photos of herself before she heads out.

Fucccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!

That is NOT love.

That IS BULLSHIT.

And what's worse? I've forgiven her for that. I had to... didn't have much of a choice. I thought she would make it up somehow.

She never did. Never did bring up that hotel again. Didn't think to book us a room and surprise me to make up for her rejection.

I'll never forget that.. And that was the thing I was most thinking about today. Just that one simple act of rejection said a lot about her character. Said a lot about how important I actually was. Said a lot about... her ego.... her lack of sensitivity.... her... inability to reciprocate or to make things right.

So... From this central event, I branched off into other instances of her having rejected or betrayed me in ways that I couldn't imagine myself doing to the woman I love.

I can't... I know that if the roles were reversed, I would have not gone to a club with my brother. And if I did, I would always have this in the back of my mind and would want to make up for it.

She never did.

So... hypocrisy wasn't just this one event that didn't have much to do with hypocrisy, other than her excuse for clubbing being: "I promised my sister".

Well... Fola promised me a bunch of things that never came through.

She will make more of an effort, her last email says, only to post a video two days later about how twins shouldn't actually be together.

She promised a big trip for us this year... even the last time I saw her, she still said it like she believed it and she still has not made up for going on those three trips. Hurting me each time she did with the reminder that I wasn't going with her, and that our trip is less and less likely to happen.

That woman used me.

She lied to me. Deceived and created these false expectations. Leading me to believe in things that weren't going to come true. Things that she wasn't going to WORK at making come true.

Things that are supposed to just magically happen on their own. With no planning or effort.

But.. she could sure plan for Boston. For Vancouver. For that other place she went to in BC.

I'm sure she will able to plan for her trip to Brazil next month just fine. No problems with getting babysitting or money for that trip.

I'm disgusted at how I've let myself get strung along by her.

So much... anger is in me right now... this kind of... boiling... but.. I already know it's not helpful to nurture or feed into it.

I'm better than that.

I've accepted she did those things to me. And some of them have caused breakups, so it is not like I kept quiet about how she made me feel during those times.

I would be guilty if I gave her my blessing.

I would be...  guilty if I didn't say a word in protest.

But... I didn't... I told her exactly how all that made me feel.

And she still choose to ignore the consequences her actions were having on our relationship.

Why would I devote myself to someone like this? How can I TRUST someone who makes no effort to keep her word? Only telling me things I wanted to hear?

She would tell me these things... moving in with me... big trips.... us having children... us moving into an acreage... telling me about how she is visualizing our trip to Cuba... talking about names for our child....

I am such a sucker... such a dipshit.

Because I believed all that... Wanted to believe all that...

Gave her my faith.

And she took a steaming dump over all of it.

Her Facebook page... this girl on there left a comment on her twin flame video... saying she couldn't see herself ever separating from her twin. And Fola... Fola has the nerve to IMPLY that I couldn't be gotten along with. That I was not doing the "work" of connecting to my higher self and my higher purpose.

She IMPLIED the blame onto me. Not her... She's perfect. She's always working hard to improve herself and be more attuned spiritually. I mean, that's her goal. Helping people through their spiritual crises. Doing tarot readings, Reiki, sound therapy, you name it... She's a healer! She's enlightened and compassionate and more self-aware than the rest of us are.

And yet... she is not.

If she was truly compassionate... she would do Reiki more on me... Why?

Because I have a hearing problem. And yet... she never did think to try and heal that for me. She knew how much I was bothered by it. How it affected me. She knew and she didn't think to place her hands over my ears and to try and heal them.

That was the one thing I never disclosed to her, because otherwise, she would have realized it and done it and that gesture would have not been the same.

Because it wouldn't have been her idea.

Just like I said about how I shared my writing with her. My novel... my channeling... and a year later, she still had not asked me about reading more of what I wrote beyond the few pages I gave her.

And when I brought up this fact to her, she started asking me to send her a chapter of my book.

I still remember how she criticized my writing. She didn't say much. Didn't ask for more.. didn't offer any helpful or insightful feedback.

I am sorry Fola... but you should be ashamed of yourself.

Deeply ashamed.. and what is even more shameful, is that you are not.

You are hiding from holding yourself responsible for all that you've caused.

You did not put effort into us. Not meaningful effort. Not effort that made me believe in you.

Just minimal effort. Mostly words, and then you forget the words and things you promise a week, or days and sometimes hours, after you say them. Like you forgot everything I said the last time I saw you. Before you got upset.

And then you go on like nothing ever mattered.

That you have nothing to be blamed for.

Because you are perfect.

And you are all about unconditional love.

Finding and expressing it.

And yet... I had to argue with you for a hug. I had to suffer the rejection of a kiss as you were leaving my home. The way you turned your cheek at the last second.

And then... had the nerve to tell me to be more assertive and that perhaps I needed a "break" to re-center myself.

Because I was getting upset at how cold and distant she was all day with me. And the way she ended it by saying that we were getting "stagnant".

Upset because... I knew she wasn't focusing on us anymore. I knew the things she could do and say that would make our relationship great again. I knew what was missing and I was... so mindful of... the subtle things she would do that indicated disinterest and ego and pride and...

Laziness... selfishness... entitlements...

It... I was biting my lip at times... I couldn't believe that she had no awareness of the damage she was causing. So aware I was of her words that said one thing and did another...

She would text me these nice words sometimes... but she would never say them to me in person.

When I pointed it out, she promised she would be mindful of this.

She never did become mindful of it.

Another promise. Another lie.

She didn't like burlesque and knew how much I did. She's at a burlesque show right now.

I'm sick of her...

I deserve better.

And... this woman robbed me. She... took things from me and spat upon them. All the beauty of our relationship was... just thrills to her. Just fun and exciting things that she didn't have to work at deserving.

Fun and exciting until... she got tired and lazy and... egotistical.

Made excuses... Gave weird reasons...

Purging, releasing... hormones.. period... full moon, new moon, North Facing Aries... Cosmic energies...Tarot cards... Shamanism... fears...

I am so sick of her...

And yet... the pull is still with me.

Sighs.

I will not make the next move. I was tempted several times today to send her an email. Just expressing how... disappointed I am in her. Just... wanted to vent...

And I didn't... I know that I've written such things before to no effect.

My words won't make a difference to someone who does not respect or believe them.

Or would want to believe them... Hurtful words are only hurtful when you consider them to be true. And I know her ego will kick into defensive mode and will disregard everything I say.

She only believes what she wants to hear. And that is how she left it with us the last time she was over.

I tried telling her the truth, and she wouldn't listen.

So I tried telling her what she wanted to believe in.

And she listened.

Boy, did she pay attention to that. Even though I delivered those words in a sarcastic tone, I didn't think she would actually believe them.

But she did. Even when I told her what the point of my saying them were. That she only hears what she wants to believe.

She doesn't want the truth. Despite it being tattooed on her wrist.

Literally. On her wrist.

Veritas Lux Mea.

"Let the Truth guide me"

Hypocrisy... to a disgusting extreme.

It doesn't get much worse than this.

Except.. today... Well.. I've written enough. I interacted with a psychic earlier who fed me a bunch of false information but I don't have the energy to get into that right now. This person was a hypocrite as well and I called him out on it.

Good thing I didn't pay for the reading. But people like that disgust me.

They feed into the lies. Promote disharmony.

He told me that Fola was likely cheating on me with a younger man.

Well.. she doesn't like younger men.. and I can't see how she would find the time to cheat on me.

And lie with a straight face to me about it, knowing how strongly I would react if I found out.

Hypocrites...

My biggest pet peeve.

And...

I don't know how I can feel compassionate towards such people.

I want to be with someone who has integrity.

Values that they abide by and take seriously.

I want to have a partner who... is a good person. Or is making an earnest effort at becoming one.

Fola...

Is not that partner.

She has been given so many chances and opportunities.

I've forgiven her enough times... Gave her everything I had...

Read some of her letters to me last night.The ones she sent after each of our breakups. All the stuff in there is the same stuff she has promised to work on and make right. For over a year now...

And... she never did.

So... I have to make peace with all this.

I cannot... hold her with anger in my heart like this.

I have to let go.

And this means.. I have to...

Accept that she will never change.

And...

I'm not sure what my lesson is supposed to be from all this.

I don't know how I can... respect a hypocrite who continues to deceive and continues to display a shameful amount of ignorance and a lack of respect towards others.

Fola didn't ever lie to me... I don't think... but she... sure...

Deceived me.

Created false expectations.

Didn't earn my trust.

Kept breaking it. Kept demonstrating how she didn't have to prove anything to me,

Just wanted me to love her unconditionally no matter what. To be that dog wagging its tail hoping for crumbs to fall from the dining room table.

And hoping that someday... she would love me the same as I loved her.

And I really did love that woman.

But...

That ship has sailed...

And... My armor is back up.

Perhaps... that was what I was supposed to learn all along.

Always keep my armor on.

Even with the woman I love.

Thank you God....

For giving me this insight.

Thank you God...

For giving me Fola.

I will always remember her.

And how I stood up for myself.

And...

I hope I can...

Sighs...

Forgive her someday.. somehow...

But it has to be earned... if not, then the reasons behind her actions have to be understood.

And I don't understand them.

Why.. hurt the one you love?

...

Over and over?

And not realize it each time? Even when it is pointed out? Even when you claim to understand things more clearly and will work at preventing them from happening?

Well...

What's done is done.

Going to try and move on.

It's all I can do.

I wish I could believe in her.

But maybe...

She stopped believing in me.

Touche.

Manipulation

Hello blog. Not sure why I titled this post the way I did.

Sighs.

Yeah.

Yup.

...

So... a few things have happened. I...

Hmm.

Yesterday... I had Janis from Facebook message me. She is a member of a Twin Flames community group on there that Fola belongs to and sometimes talks to her on the phone. She gives Fola support whenever things are rough between us.

And... So... A few days ago, I messaged her asking if she wanted to hear my side of the story. Shared my last blog post with her.

She's a sweetheart.

She really was pushing us to be together in spite of what I said.

Said that I would never find anyone like Fola again... And... I agree with that.

Haven't found anyone like Georgina again, either.

Not yet, anyways.

So... I'm compelled to write a post today. Silly of me to say it, but I woke up this morning at 4:44am and felt... this connection or energy happening.

I don't know what it was. But I suspect Fola is linked to it.

And what prompted me further to come to this blog and post, is that a few minutes ago I felt a surge of it again. This....

...Well... I was thinking about her going to that burlesque show on Sunday. And imagining that... there's some other guy involved. Or will be involved. And... I can't say... that I completely feel jealous and alone and worried... I shouldn't say that... I... I said my piece about why... she's not...

The one.

I... hate this about myself. Buying into the idea of a "one" out there... but...

There is a one. There might be a two, even.

I don't know.

But after what Fola and I have been through and experienced, I am inclined to believe that there are forces at work behind the scenes.

I believe there is such a thing as a soul connection. And that...

... I don't believe I have seen the last of her yet.

And... I'm sitting here.. feeling this warmth in my heart. Like it was around the time I first met her.

I don't know what that means... Other than a correlation.

Perhaps something or someone good is coming.

I don't know.

But, I will be completely honest and say that I do miss her.

Each time I pass by my front door, or even now as I sit and type facing the door; I glance at the glass hoping to see her silhouette.

I can't... bring myself to... make the first move. Can't.

I wouldn't respect myself if I did.

Because... as my last post shows... I... have be...

I am....

Deeply unsure of her.

Deeply....

And....

I just can't see how we would work out. That's not to say it is impossible to happen, but...

Man.. intense feelings right now... like, a real pull. I'm really glancing at the front door....

Something is coming.

So... told Janis yesterday about everything and mentioned how...

Well, it really doesn't matter. I... just sent her that blog post and... told her that I couldn't be with Fola. Janis suggested |I write down all the things I like about her and... I thought that was the wrong approach.

I don't want to... dwell upon all the good that we've shared.

The passion and excitement and connection.

But... okay, Janis. I will humor you on this.

I.. like it when Fola is unabashedly a girl... Whenever she decides to dance in front of me, even doing that awkward robot arm motion, I... it makes me smile.

And... A favourite moment of mine was when she wore lingerie.. like... fishnet stockings and all.. even though it was... just one time I think... last year... and, she had the high heels on and...

That was... big of her to do that. She looked... was, embarassed and awkward despite my obviously enjoying seeing her like that. And... kind of ruined the mood when she mentally switched gears from seductress to... Eh... it doesn't matter. That brief moment meant a lot to me.

I... honestly... this isn't as easy as I hoped it would be to write down everything I like about her. I wish I didn't have to admit it. It almost feels like I'm swimming against a current.

I... miss... sighs... I'm thinking of the sexual stuff, now. The way she gave me head on the way back home from Slave Lake...

Oh. Now that reminds me.

I miss that day at the lake. When she and I would sit on a log for hours and stare off into the waves. Not speaking. Just being.

I miss... touching her....

Her shoulders.

Her... legs...

Her ass... as vulgar as it sounds...

I miss feeling her from the inside...

Sighs... sexual stuff again... Lots of good memories there I admit.

I miss her smile... I miss..... her dancing... I miss her spirit.

Her spirit.

That stubborn warrior spirit of hers... like, this tornado without a mind of its own. Impressive in its fury, but somewhat directionless. Whenever she allows me to steer her, we... we are pretty good together.

I love how she surrendered to me a few times.. Just losing herself in my guidance. And, my pleasing her for doing so... surprising her...

When she is able to drop her guard and...

Hmm...

I'm understanding something now.

I... was punishing her for not doing just that...

There were times when she wouldn't budge...

Okay... I'm defeating the point of this challenge... to think of the things that I like about her.

It's... mostly sex. And her spirit.

And.. how she likes the same songs I do.

And... her appreciation... when she chooses to appreciate... the moments alone we spend together.

Where we can sit and stare into each other's eyes.. getting lost in them.

I'm feeling like an idiot typing all this... I want to say that she is loyal and trustworthy and kind and generous... but...

Fuck.

Sex and her spirit.

And... her body...

Her... our connection together. I... love that. When we are in alignment.. we are basically one and the same.

I...

She complements me.

I don't mean to sound immodest, but the things that I have, are the things she lacks.

And what she has, I am having trouble with.

She has... drive. Motivation.

Strength.

Tenacity.

A willingness to experiment and explore.

She pursues new things without fear. With bravery.

Even when she feels afraid.

Even when it costs her something or hurts someone.

...

I am really having a difficult time writing down the good things.

I am.

But, I still miss her.

Would still like to have her in my life.

And...

I like... I was going to say that I like that she cooks but that sounds weak.

Yeah... Well...

Perhaps I am weak as well. In the ways that she is not.

We came together for a reason. We... experienced a lot of great moments together...

I don't know if this is... the end of them.

But... Honestly... despite what I say about her... despite the hassle and the annoyances and the frustration and anger that she manages to cause me...

I still... want her in my life.

But... again... there's that jealous feeling...

I don't want her as a friend. I don't want to see her on the arm of another guy and ... for us to... continue our...

acquaintance...

Fuck...

She is more than that to me.

But... I...

I can't do anything about all this.

I can't.

Nothing I can think of anyways...

I can't go back to her. I won't risk being rejected. I don't want to be taken for granted again or for her to have an easy way out of the pain she's caused me... even though she is barely aware of it.

I am sure she is aware. Now that we've had some time apart.

I hope so. I hope she... learns... and remembers...

And..

Just....

Grows... somehow....

She's n... no longer polyamorous...

God... at least I hope I helped her achieve that much. Just... a little fearful on my end for her to slip back to the way she was and...

Be right back to where she started.

She was sleeping with five people when I met her. Her husband, Jess and Jeff... Rob... and Ryan.

Five.

And I came into all this with strong feelings about monogamy.

Because that is all I will accept from my partner. We can consider threesomes if there is another woman involved, but I refuse to have my lady be touched by another guy.

I am her guy.

And...

I wish she would know this.

I wish she would... express that to me more.

Not... argue... about it whenever I bring up this subject of how neglected I feel. Not try and convince me that she "loves" me when her actions don't seem to line up with her words. Not when... she...

Sighs.

Fuck.

I am really... almost laughing at myself. I can see myself about to break the wall that is keeping me from bringing up all the bad that I know about her.

I don't want to condemn her.

She has come a long ways.

I re-read the last email she sent me. October 4th, I think it was...

8 days ago.

At the end... she says she loves me. Promises she will make more of an effort.

Says... we are eternally binded together.

And... I was thinking after this... is... she really making that effort?

Is... this what her effort looks like?

Bringing up this YouTube lady who said that Twin Flames aren't meant to be together and then filming her own video about how that makes sense to her? Or... that article she posted about letting go of old patterns, beliefs and... relationships? Does that sound like she is making effort?

But... I can't deny that I ... I am feeling things right now.

Right in my chest. And through my fingers.

And... I felt some of this yesterday, too.

Part of me wants to send this post to Janis... and... I'm thinking... what is motivating me to do that?

I think... I want her... to understand me more.

And... because I expect her to talk to Fola again at some point... I... want her to have this information.

So she can help her.

Somehow.

I did not ask for much from our relationship... but I think I know where I went wrong.

It doesn't have words, but I can try and describe some of the theme.

She wants someone stronger than her.

Someone... that inspires her. Who can dominate her in a gentle, fatherly way.

That's what she wants, and that is what I was when we first met.

Despite what she once asked me about us being "equals", I know that is not what she really wants.

She wants a man that is constantly growing and moving to becoming the greatest version of himself.

And she wants to tag along for the ride.

I get that... but, what I don't get...

Actually... I do...

But... she has to figure this part out for herself. She and I are happiest when we surrender to each other.

When I call the shots.

When I take her by the hand and lead her upstairs... she has to submit to my judgement. For better or worse.

Not... Play games... not.. argue... just... surrender...

Because... since she is my opposite...

I have intuition and abilities that she does not.

But... she can benefit from. And learn from.. and, eventually acquire...

This makes perfect sense now that I am thinking about it.

We aren't equals.

But we are equally wanting.

And... I am proud of who I am and what I can achieve when I really try.

I have surprised myself and friends and family with some of what I've done.

I surprise myself...

Fola once said to me on the couch that she could tell that I was "powerful" ... and I wasn't sure what to make of that. But...

She's right.

I am.

And... I need to be respected for that.

But, that is something I need to earn. Which...

This makes too much sense.

I need to earn her respect.

To earn her trust.

To earn the right for her to surrender to me,

I get it now.

But, this doesn't mean that I am obligated to do anything about all this.

This is the interesting part that I have discovered.

Although we are both wanting... we aren't both willing.

And... both of us have to be willing.

Which means...

She gets what she wants.. but I have to get what I want as well.

We both have to work at giving it. I have to... think... exactly... what she wants...

This is going to be a good thing for me to ponder as I go about my chores once I am done writing.

I have a sense that I know what she wants. I will try and nail it down. Even if I never see her again, I will have a better understanding of who she is and what she needs.

Not what she says she wants.. but what she NEEDS.

Because... I am the one fortunate to be blessed with powers of observation and an intelligence that she does not have.

And... I want certain things from her.. which also may not necessarily be what I need.

But, I want them just the same.

I think this is making sense... In case I send this to Janis, I should add that this is how I do some of my deepest thinking. Just... throwing words on a screen and seeing what comes out after.

Not the best written or most entertaining post, but, definitely a productive one.

Fola wants me to dominate her. That makes sense... she wants a father figure... that makes sense, too.

She wants to experience another level of consciousness. I have given her that, plenty of times.

She wants to expand and heighten her ability to love. She can have that as well, provided she is willing to work at it, because that is what I would like to see from her.

As I keep writing... I am having these thoughts enter my head. Like, exhibit #1 and exhibit #2 as "evidence" that backs up everything I'm saying.

Fola, after all, did say that she wants me to abuse her. Something that I felt was weird to say, but she did say it. Did enjoy being choked. Did want to be pissed upon.

That's not my thing, but I did it anyways.

And that's a revealing piece of the puzzle....

She's... got issues... deep ones... issues of entitlement and insecurity.

I know that people have the wrong opinion about her. She knows this too, and often expresses her surprise at how mistaken some people are about what they say of her and the image she presents.

So... She feels undeserving of praise. Of being loved. But wants to feel those things.

But, hasn't really earned them.

I suppose... this is her opportunity to prove herself.

Maybe this is why I am standing my ground allowing for it to happen by not getting in touch with her.

The reward isn't as sweet when it is given freely and without effort.

She has to work for what she wants. And she has to feel that she earned it.

So...

If she wants me back. She has to earn it.

And,,, this is the tricky part....

I have to guess at how hard she is willing to try. In order to be with me.

Will she, or won't she surprise me?

Will she show up at my door with lingerie beneath a coat and... embrace me without words and lead me upstairs? Because that would work.

Will she write me a long, hand-written letter and leave it at my door with a small gift of some kind?

That would work, too.

Will she sent me a text... out of the blue... saying that she loves me, with nothing else being said? Will she send that text again, even if I ignore it the first time?

That would work too.

That would be earning her reward.

That would make me believe in her.

Will she plan out a trip for us? And... show up at my door with tickets already paid for and arrangement made?

That would be incredible. And I would...

Fuck, man... I would love her till the end of time for doing something grand like that.

...pfbt... kind of already love her till the end of time. I know my ego is bruised and I know that when my soul departs this body it will reunite with her at some point. At that moment, it won't matter that she didn't keep her promises and that she changed her mind more times than I change my underwear.

Because at that moment... I will see her without ego. And she will see me without mine.

And...

We will shine.

But...

For now...

These games are to continue.

I will not make the next move.

I will not make effort to "win" her back when it is her duty to be chasing me.

And to surrender herself to the man that she loves and always will love.

Without complaint.

And with faith.

This is her journey to make.

And I will be waiting.

She is looking for magic.

And I have it in spades.

Manifested rims for myself yesterday. Some guy came up to me in the park and asked if I wanted them.

Now, I have new rims on my vehicle. Something I thought about getting last week.

A card fell out of this one book I picked up from the thrift shop yesterday. Jesus and the Buddha.

On it was marked, "patience"

And so...

I shall be practicing that.

Really not sure if I should send this to Janis...

Something...

Hmm. Paying attention to my intuition here...

I think something is missing in this post.

Not sure what...

I don't think I need to explain anything more than I already did.

Hmm.

I think I sound completely crazy writing all this. Wonder what sort of reaction this would get.

And what would she do... knowing all of this?

I'm somewhat of a complicated man. But I try my hardest to keep my needs simple.

I want a partner who is playful, loving, thoughtful and devoted.

Fola can be these things if she really tries.

But,,

I haven't had enough proof from her. And... She doesn't think she has to provide me with any of it. We've had conversations about this. Had she decided not to go to Boston like I asked her, I would know that she made a sacrifice for me. That she proved her devotion, But, she went on that trip anyways. Making excuses and choosing a transitory experience that she will forget about in less than a year, instead of choosing to be with me.

That memory is still stuck.

And she has to do something to make up for it.

We've been together for almost two years...

And it still feels like we don't really know what each of us wants. Or how we should behave.

I'm not as smart as she may think I am, but I certainly do have suggestions for her. For us.

I remember the one time she suggested I treat her like a Goddess and in exchange, I would be treated like a God. I remember the role playing we did that night. Treating each other like we were divine beings and that the only thing in the world that mattered, was the pleasure we were giving to the other.

I think that would be a good place for her to start. To remember what we can accomplish.

When we remember to treat each other as the God and Goddess that we each are and to never lose sight of it. Never take each other for granted. No matter what we may be tempted by or what obstacles we face.

Thank you Janis.

I hope this...

Does something.

You are appreciated more than you know.

Wondering

Hello blog.

I'm... stuck. Caught in this...

Ennui.

My entire day amounted to very little. Like it has for the past while. I've achieved two things, and neither are particularly remarkable.

But I did do two things.

Sighs.

Fola..

I need to make a choice.

To believe in her or not.

To be with her or not.

To reach out or not.

What I am most conflicted about, is that... I know she is not going to be a good mother to my unborn child. I know... she... wouldn't make for a good wife.

She can, but she won't. Not to me, anyways.

Because... I have seen... the way she is. I know her soul. And I know...

We...

Sighs. Fumbling for words now... Maybe I just don't want to say them. Seems easier to leave this all up to chance and not make any concrete decisions.

Or to judge another human being. To condemn them.

I don't want to.

And yet... each day... a part of me screams at her, and another part wants to hold her close.

To feel her hand in mine.

I am cursed with too much self-awareness at times. Too much self-reflection. Very little... surrendering... I think would be the correct word. Not enough... Not being content with... the present moment. Even as loneliness bears down hard on me.

Our conversations. I miss those. I miss those three hour conversations we used to have on the phone.

But... I don't know if we can have them again. I... know her too well now. I know...

I just know.

I know I can't be vulnerable around her. I can't because she does... often does not respect it when I am. There is little sympathy from her. Instead, I... approach her with my walls up. To salvage and incubate my sense of pride. To not... lay myself down at her feet so that I expect her to do the same.

And...

I...

Sighs.

I am thinking right now about the last time I saw her. Everything I was telling her was the honest truth of my soul. When I brought up her yelling at Ivy and dropping the f-bomb, I was... I felt betrayed by her response. She still tried to convince me that it was a joke and that I shouldn't be telling her how to raise her child.

That's not vulnerability. That's... cowardice.

And... to be fair...

I've been a coward, too.

I... suppose... I was put into this position. Masterfully and covertly. Without my noticing.

I gave too much of myself. Projected too much of what I wanted from a girlfriend onto her and was constantly disappointed by her actions.

When... all I... had to do was shut up.

And to act from the heart.

And though I don't regret what any of my concerns were about her, I do regret that I had to state them. I do regret that it... this is how it all turned out because none of my issues were being resolved. Nothing was... being done. On her end.

It felt like...

Felt like I was being used. Used... and...

...Unloved.

I have to be honest. I felt unloved by her. I... have had... You know... All she had to do was... to show me that she cares. To show me that I matter to her.

And... She didn't. It didn't matter what my concerns were. They were going unresolved after each of our fights.

For months at a time, the same things would come up. False promises. Expectations she created that she had no intention of fulfilling. She cannot be ...

Sighs.

I want to say that she should not be allowed to get away with what she did and then to claim ignorance in the end because I... felt like I... gave her fair enough warning. Told her enough times what my needs and wants are.

And it was her decision not to take any of them seriously.

And it was my decision, to reward her for unearned behavior.

And to put her... ahead of my own happiness.

Which... ironically... seems contingent on being in a loving relationship and having the possibility of a happy life together. With children. With a dog. With the acreage.

With trips. And smiles. And acts of kindness towards one another.

And... all the other things that love can provide.

Loyalty. Stability. Commitment. Trust.

Passion.

I felt... like we had the passion part down.

There is no denying how passionate we could be.

If we both felt ... the same...

If it was mutual. If we both wanted the same thing, we would....

Get it.

and....

I don't think she was willing to work with me to get what I wanted. Small things that I don't feel were very demanding or difficult.

This is a woman who asked me to urinate on her. Enjoyed being choked. And... when I bring up how I'd like to see her in lingerie more often, she complains about feeling objectified.

Or some other excuse.

Always... would rather fight than to... work towards harmony between us.

So that if I feel happy, then it would make me want to do more for her.

To give her more of what she wants.

Instead, as time went by and she ignored my demands, my... motivation to make her happy dwindled along with hers.

And... as I write this... I feel like I am struggling to understand something that is very obvious to me that is important to know.

But... I'm not quite sure what it is.

I am trying... I....

I am baring my soul right now. And this is... what is coming out.

Lots of ellipses... it seems... I am trying to find the right words and thoughts.. to catch and commemorate them.

I peeked at her Facebook today. Saw that... she isn't sad. She posted a video about us and how ...

...I think I mentioned that in another post. About how some lady on YouTube was saying that Twin Flames aren't meant to be together.

And... I suppose what bothers me is the comments she gets... She... has a lot of support from people. Telling her that she "deserves it all" when, if only they knew her as I do, that she hasn't worked very hard to be deserving of very much.

At least.. in terms of our relationship...

I hate writing this. I hate... feeling like... I need to condemn her and to prove myself "right" but... I think it is the injustice of it all that is getting to me. Her being praised for how much of a sweetheart she is on Facebook by people that hardly know her. People that... are rewarding her selfishness and ignorance.

And... it is empowering her.

In her video she said there is "nothing I can do" about repairing the damage in our relationship or for us to get back together.

And... that is false... that is not true. If she showed up at my door tonight with a sad face and... wrapped her arms around me, not letting go and genuinely asking for forgiveness or for us to try again...

I would... welcome her back. I would....

Because I believe in the value of sincere gestures. Of... genuine...

Sighs... Now I am thinking about how... she... once said.. she wished she could show her "commitment" to me more...

And... She has had so many opportunities to do so. That she didn't take advantage of.

She could have... done so much for us... If she... wasn't only thinking of herself.

I remember how she used to bake me scones. Or how she would send me sexy photos of herself over the phone.

And... in the past months... that hasn't happened. She's baked me scones twice. At the start of our dating and last year around my birthday.

That's it. And... she KNOWS how much I like it when she bakes me something or makes me food.

She KNOWS it, and she... rarely does it.

Twice a year doesn't cut it for me.

And... The way she would lay in bed with me... when I would want to wrap my arms around her and cuddle and smile and kiss... and she would... shift herself away.

Just... cutting herself off from me.

And...I would have these moments in bed with her, watching her sleep or hearing her snore and... tentatively putting my arm around her, only for her to push it off in her sleep. Or to... reject me.

And.... Whenever I get upset or sad about it when it happens, I would leave the bed. Angry and upset but trying not to let it affect me.

And then... she would text me or ask me to come back so we can cuddle.

|But... why wait until there is a problem?

Why? Why not just cuddle when I wanted to cuddle? Why wait for her to realize that, "oh, David wants to cuddle." Why wait for it to be obvious at the damage she causes by rejecting me multiple times before I've reached the limits of my patience?

Why wait for problems to present themselves?

Why...

Why?

...

Sighs.

Twin flames... I don't know, man. This... idea... is for the both of us to grow. We're supposed to be like oil and water, and though I think myself the voice of reason in our relationship, I cannot... for the life of me... get her to apply reason in the same way that I have been trying to.

Why wait for something to break before fixing it? Why not... maintain? Why not... keep things in good working order? Why not... give your car those regular oil changes and keep it clean and running well? Why wait for the car to start belching out black smoke and stop running before you decide to do something about it?

That's... our relationship. At first, everything was great because I didn't know any better. I thought I could believe her when she said "we should go on a trip soon" and "every year we should take a big trip somewhere" .. and like a sucker, I bought into her fantasies. It's almost been a year now of having to hear about the "trip" we're supposed to be taking soon. And she's already been on three of them on her own,

Why the fuck...

Why....

WHY.

I am thinking now that its because I don't... I'm not sure... maybe I don't, aren't... maybe I'm not respected by her. No... I absolutely am NOT respected by her.

And... why would I want to be with someone who doesn't respect me?

I suppose... to be fair, I have trouble respecting her as well.

When a woman wants... Oh, God... here comes the memories... of her joining the OTO, the Kabbalah, astrology... Reiki,, rituals... Shamanism... releasing/purging....

The hypocrisy of her is what I don't respect.

I cannot respect anyone who says one thing and does another. Who flitters around like a hummingbird going from one plant to the next and not... staying still enough to consider and appreciate the nectar she already had gathered.

There was so much wisdom I thought I was giving her. So much wisdom she was getting from other places and people, too.

And... it all feels so wasted. So unused.

I... still remember how she "realized" that I am the one to be chased and that she had to "earn" being chased by me. That was what she "learned" from our last breakup. That she had to earn the right to be chased by me.

And yet, with this last one, her email mentions it again.

"I wanted you to chase me"

With no mention of... what she "learned" from the last time,

I don't... I can't respect it. And especially her wanting to join the OTO. They drink semen. They... Fuck, man... bunch of pedophiles. A cult. And she was keeping it secret from me. Already filled out an application.

I rightfully blew up at all that. There was no way I was letting this woman be my future wife or mother of my children, She was fucking insane and impulsive and reckless.

And clueless. Absolutely clueless. "Did you research the OTO?" I asked. Yes she did, she said.

Sending her the links of what I know about Aleister Crowley and how... she is supposed to lay naked on an altar for losers to gawk at and then drink their semen after and... Crowley saying how little children should be exposed to disgusting sexual acts, which is part of the philosophy of "do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law" ... and she said she did "research" on it.

Yeah. Googled OTO and read the Wikipedia page. I'M IN!

Didn't care about the oath she was expected to swear upon.

Fuck man...

I am really...

Fuck.

I can't believe I put up with her for this long. So many... so many moments of her being absolutely idiotic. Poor decisions. Over and over and over and over.

And she won't accept responsibility for most of them. I mean, sure, it's okay for you to go over to some strange guys house that you don't really know, ON YOUR OWN AND WITHOUT TELLING ME and then come to me later that evening and fuck me with a smile on your face while tears are running down mine, because I asked you to be here 3 hours ago because I needed you. Instead, you tell me that you felt you were drugged at this guy's place. And...

Fuck  man...

How did I get... paired up with this monster?

This... clueless... absolutely selfish human being?

The problem is... I've seen glimmers of goodness in her. l know its there. I've tried to encourage more of that from her. I've tried to steer her in a more productive direction. Tried to explain things that she couldn't figure out. Tried to be useful and supportive and loving and generous and giving and...

It just wasn't enough for her.

She wouldn't... give back even half as much as I had been giving her.

I suppose... she just wants the magic of our relationship. Those incredible moments... but doesn't want to help make them happen. Doesn't want to motivate or encourage me to make it happen.

Can't count how many times I've been rejected when I needed her.

Micro-rejections. Too many to list. Everything from weak kisses. To turning down kisses. To weak hugs and weak displays of affection and...

Fuck... I deserve better. I've had better... I still remember my ex.

I still remember....

Fuck.

I didn't have to ask my ex to put on lingerie, I didn't have to ask for her to cook me anything,

She just did those things because she knew I liked them.

Didn't have to ask my ex for a foot massage or to have my back scratched or for a blowjob.

She just did it.

And... like an idiot, I wasn't happy with all that. I was still hurt from relationships I had before. I couldn't trust her and eventually, she stopped trying.

And I don't blame her. I wasn't vulnerable enough. Wasn't giving enough.

And... then I met Fola and...

Yeah... I think I gave her too much. Too much and got back too little.

"He who cares the least, has the most power in the relationship."

And... I was giving my power away by starting to care.

Which is NOT what I think a loving relationship should be.

But, maybe, this is part of the lesson for me to learn. To... not be so vulnerable. But vulnerable enough...?

I don't get it man... I just want to be myself. To be ME. Not...

Not... punished for... the way I express myself. The way I am wanting to be treated.

The things I dream of...

I don't need someone who isn't helping me to realize my dreams.

And yet, she wants me to help realize hers.

Well...

It doesn't work that way Fola.

You show up at my house. You are showing that you are making an effort.

I don't care if it's "stalking" or breaking "personal boundaries" to you.

That's effort, and I will appreciate it. You don't get to wash your hands off because some YouTube lady said twins aren't meant to be together. You used to think otherwise. Now you're just giving up on the prize that could be before us.

And... just doing that won't be enough either.

Not if you expect us to move forward.

From that point on... we BOTH have to keep each other in our thoughts. Keep each other's happiness in mind. And NOT forget that sometimes we have to do things that are troublesome and inconvenient so that later, when we need or want something, we will get it without complaint.

We will operate under the assumption that we are both looking out for each other's needs, wants and dreams.

So, there will be no imbalance.

....

I'm about done writing all this... I... feel a little better for having done so.

I... really don't like how people are complimenting her on Facebook. Those people weren't around when Fola did what she did with me. They didn't see her "channeling" around me. They don't... see how her minds changes on a weekly basis. How... she... doesn't care about animals and how she...

how she really is struggling to be a compassionate and empathetic individual, when she really is not.

She's not.

She is really not. On the surface she appears to be.

But she's not. And that's fine.

Because I love her and I...

Sighs.

I love her.

Guess that's all there is to it.

I love her and I hope that love can change her to become who she wants most to be.

But...

There's always a but...

But... I want to become who I most want to be.

And I would like to have a partner.

Not an adversary.

To help me make it happen.

And...

I am not convinced that she is the right woman for the job.

Or perhaps she is.

But she has yet to prove it.

Maybe someday she will.

It's up to her now.

Not me.

My patience...

I am patient.

But....

Anyways... I'm done writing.

Glad to get this all out of my system.

Good night blog.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Here Lies Bird

14 days. 14 since I last saw her.

I'm doing okay. Not as shattered as I was with Lauren or with Georgina. That's a good thing. Having had these painful experiences before, I am not nearly as broken as I would have been without.

I see that things happen for a reason. Trite cliche, I know, but they do. There is an overarching grand plan of which God and I designed on the macro and micro level of evolution.

We are all one and heading towards oneness. With the advent of weed legalization in another week, I can see a ballooning of consciousness occuring, starting with Canada.

The world is changing. The world is healing. Transforming. Becoming.

And I am pleased for my role in all this.

I... still keep thinking of her, though. I keep thinking why... of all the things we've done and shared and experienced, that she wouldn't take us seriously. That... she would make all these promises she wouldn't keep. That she wouldn't put much effort into us after multiple times of her saying she will.

I suppose the why is entitlement and her being self-centered. She thinks she knows what is best for her and for us and against my protests she is stubbornly clinging to the personal narrative she's constructed for herself.

Often in these posts, I... insult her. I use adjectives that aren't flattering and they outnumber the positive attributes of her. I don't like that. I'll never like that, and I don't want these to be the words I use to describe the woman I'm meant to be with.

I suppose this comes down to having faith. It's been so long... So many trials and heart ache and dreams dashed and learning experiences... to get to where I am now.

I am playing the "if only" game at the moment. If only Fola did this or that or listened to this and took that seriously and... I realize that it is not my problem to worry about. It's hers. She has her own life and autonomy and I've done all that I could to make us into something special. And I believe I succeeded. I believe I gave us my best when she didn't. I believe this... our knowing each other was meant to be, and... last night as I thought about us, this realization struck me.

I realized that what we had was outerwordly. We did have electric shocks pass between us that one time. We did have mind-blowing sex. We did have an intense connection unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

We did have synchronicites and coincidences and...

Yeah.

There is a higher power. There is a God. There is a plan.

And we are both part of it.

It is said that pain is the greatest of all teachers, and I imagine that my... refusal to play into her game, is only going to make her a better person. I hope it will, anyways... I think it already has. She's... moved from being this polyamorous... careless woman, to something a little more. She's experienced a greater depth to relationships and I am proud to have helped provide that.

I've set a bar,,, I suppose. Even if she wouldn't credit me for it due to her pride, I know in my heart how much I contributed to the depth she enjoyed experiencing.

I love her. Love her enough to let her go, I suppose. She...

She has to figure it out for herself.

On Wednesday she sent me an email about her friend Mary who did our birthdates and told her she was a ... I think.. an Aries North node? Or South node. Can't quite remember. She sent me two videos and said "this makes perfect sense". I remember watching the first video and was surprised at how it seemed to apply to Fola. It described how she needs to not be so selfish and to open up more and yada yada. I was even more surprised when it turns out that this first video was supposed to describe ME, according to this Aries north/south idea. The other video was the one Fola claimed to be hers and it seemed to describe me more than it does her.

Doesn't make any sense. We're opposites. She admits that. But she thinks the other video is her and not me. The other video talked about stepping into one's power and not being a doormat for others.

That's me. Not her.

But... anyways... I wrote back explaining all this, and she wrote back. Decided not to reply to what she said, which was more of the same.

She promised she would make more of an effort. Again. Wishes we were together. Again.

Again and again and again she says the same things after each breakup and again and again she is not going to follow through with anything of what she said.

Had enough

I need something more than this.

More than lies. More than immaturity. More than selfishness.

Really reminds me of Lauren. So many parallels.

And... I wonder what was I supposed to have learned from Lauren that is to be translated to Fola... they almost mimic each other. I think... I think I learned about putting my foot down when I needed to, instead of swallowing up all the bullshit and having a "yes, ma'am" agreeable attitude. That's being a doormat. And I'm proud that I haven't been a complete doormat while with her. Although I did slip into dangerous territory more than a few times.

Anyways... on Wednesday, I was having a cigarette by my patio door when I heard a loud THONK and looked outside. This is what I saw:

(sighs) New phone... have to tinker around with it to get my photos to display.

I'll write up a new post once I'm able to.

Well, blog... I believe... everything will be okay.

I believe.

I hope to foster a dog soon.

There is an event on the 15th I believe that will shed more light on this being a possibility. Through SCARS. I'm excited and a little nervous.

Having a dog around here is going to give me a better feel for being an owner someday. I've always wanted to be one, but my relationship situation has been anything but assured.

Maybe someday it will be.

Someday.

Onwards.

7 Days

One week.

It's been one full week since I last spoke to or saw Fola.

Been about three days since she emailed me. Maybe two, my sense of time can be a little off.

I.. well, I feel those feelings again today. Didn't feel anything in the past while, but today they're coming on strong.

Warmth in my chest again. Got this... feeling in my head as well, not quite sure how to describe it. Almost feels like the onset of a maniac episode, but I feel restrained enough to be able to contain it.

And experienced. I've been down these roads before. In more difficult situations than this.

Well blog...

Well, well well.

Feels weird. That's for sure. Not having her around. Not talking to her. Not having sex with her or...

...Seeing her daughter. Her sister...

Yeah... it's not fun.

But there's nothing I can do about it right now than to stand my ground.

I don't think I discussed the details of Monday when she came by. Maybe I should.

What I remember is that she showed up without warning. I was at Elk Island for most of the day, and didn't get home until around 8pm. She showed up shortly after as I was doing the dishes.

Said she was there earlier at around 4pm. I remember her calling me twice while I was at the park and I ignored her calls.

I also remember going there wanting to see a Bison and didn't see one until I left. Which... strange to say it now, was something of a fun coincidence to see. Two of them were wandering on the road near the entrance, which I remember thinking was unlikely for them to be loitering around.

But, they were there. I threw Oreos at them. Think one of them gave me a dirty look as he moved his way along on the left-hand side of the road as I was driving out.

I remember thinking that this felt like a sign. I had asked... to see a Bison and they appeared in an unlikely area.

I remember thanking God for making this happen. And I remember feeling strength within me, knowing that I am watched and listened and that I need only to stand by my convictions and to have faith in however everything plays out.

That line of credit is now coming to mind as well. I jumped on TRUL today.. already up almost a grand in profit. Hoping it'll run some more.

Anyways... So, she arrived shortly after I came home from the park and I was in the middle of doing dishes.

She showed up wearing that dress I like. And her eyes were beaming despite my having ignored her for the previous few days.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

She replied saying, "I want to connect with you."

I remember... the days earlier when she did NOT want to connect with me. I remembered the nights when she did not want to cuddle with me. Or the times when I touch her and I get no response.

And so, I... reminded her of all that. Spent the next hour or so telling her exactly how I felt about every little thing in our relationship and about what she is doing.

I told her how I didn't agree with how over the moon she was with astrology, the Kabbalah, psychic powers and secret societies and wanting to heal people with... well, magic, I guess.

I told her how...

Well, it doesn't really matter. I told her everything. As she sat in silence for the most part across from me at the dining table, I remember thinking that I was glad to be able to freely speak the truth of how I felt. That I have little to apologize for.

Other than to allow... allow her to get her way more times than she deserved to.

Not sticking up for myself enough. Being too agreeable. Too...

...Weak.

Aimless, too. I suppose. No real goals in mind right now than to be making money on the stock market and when she brought that up, I explained why that is. I am unemployed, the job market does not look good for my trade and I have debt that needs to be taken care of.

I also would like financial security in my life. Rather than taking her approach by staring into a mirror and repeating affirmations to be getting unexpected income, I am actually doing something about it. I am working whenever I scour Reddit for stocks and news and whatnot.

...

So... apart from a few moments. Such as when she said "you'll never be happy" in telling me that I won't ever find the type of love that I am hoping for because it doesn't exist; I remember... feeling indifferent to that. The happiness that I seek could be complemented by her, but... her complacency doesn't inspire me enough to believe it is possible. Yet, she feels certain that she is the only girl for me. And... then she spent most of the rest of the evening in silence. Listening to me unload everything that was on my chest. Didn't offer much in the way of feedback or agreement or even argument for the most part.

Well... Actually, I brought up the point of... How she dropped the f-bomb around Ivy the week previous and she... unbelievably tried to argue it away as a joke and that it's her daughter and that I shouldn't question her parenting.

This is from the woman who got upset with me for making a "that's what she said" joke around her daughter for the benefit of Fola and her sister. I thought it was funny, and I knew that Ivy wouldn't understand the subtleties of that type of humor. Nothing offensive was said. And yet... Fola can drop the f-bomb and try to tell me that I shouldn't be questioning her parenting.

Anyways... So... Once I was done, the silence between us grew. She... was just sitting there. Looking into my eyes as I was with her.

Not reaching for me.. not saying sorry. Not... really... doing anything.

I reached for her hand. Held it a bit... and then pulled away.

It was a strange... kind of empowerment about myself that night. I didn't... bow to her. Didn't... make her the center of my attention.

Stood my ground and spoke my truth.

With as straight a spine as I could muster.

And so... After a while of sitting across from one another looking into our eyes, I suggested we listen to music. Put on Max Ritcher and we sat on the couch. Cuddling.

And during all this, I kept thinking... where is this going to go from here? I... felt so distant from her. She didn't acknowledge my prior complaints or address them. Didn't apologize or offer solutions.

So... my... heart wasn't with her. And yet we were cuddling.

And... this is where faith kind of comes in. I just did what I felt I most wanted to do.

Most needed to do.

And... it ended up with us kissing.

Then, she suggested we go upstairs.

During all this... I... wasn't really in the mood. Kind of and kind of wasn't. Felt that the issues I raised weren't going to be solved by us having sex. Felt that... if I go through with it, it'll mean we'd be back "together" and all our problems will be temporarily erased/forgiven.

I didn't want to absolve her of responsibility for her actions by validating it with sex.

And, so... this is the mindset I carried with me into the bedroom.

I didn't give it much effort. I'll be honest. It didn't take me long to orgasm and.. when I did, I felt... like I was done. It was late, I was tired and I honestly.. didn't give a shit if I didn't make her come or not. I mean, while I was doing it I did, but I didn't want to put in more effort than...

...than effort that she has given me, in the past while. Which is, not much.

I'm mindful of the way she left things off with us. Distant and focused on her laptop and... then tried to pin it on me at the end. That her being distant was my responsibility to deal with. That I had to take her out for dinner in order for her to feel... excited enough to have sex.

I didn't want to... brush that all aside and put in the effort.

And, so... when she got all stiff and closed off and I asked what was wrong...

"That's it?!" she said. Referring to the sex.

"Yes. That's it. I'm tired. Thought maybe you came already."

"No, I didn't."

... I was honest. I was tired. And... I've given her so much over these past few weeks and she has given me so little, that I felt insulted that she would demand more from me.

More that I wasn't willing to give.

I thought... after all I had said earlier, about feeling neglected and pushed away and taken for granted and unappreciated... I thought all that would have left an impact. Maybe she would understand not to take so much from me.

And that she would give, instead. To make up for this void she helped create.

But she didn't. And...

Ugh.. what an ugly mess it resulted in. Being truthful with her was... not fun. And when she wouldn't believe what I was telling her, she started making up a narrative. A story that painted me as an asshole that just wanted to "use" her for sex.

I... parroted her nonsense. Realized that the truth wasn't what she respected or was willing to hear. Instead, I nodded and sarcastically said that yes I used her. Hoping she would see how ridiculous her accusations were.

But, she didn't see them as ridiculous. Instead, she swatted at me and I hit her back. Nothing serious, but it was enough to convey the disrespect we both felt for each other.

She got up to leave and...

Yeah... I had my jacket on, ready to head to the convenience store. Didn't feel tired any more after this incident. Was out of cigarettes and badly needed a pack. Too much fucking stress with this girl.

Too much fucking stress.

And, so... that was the l... well, after I left 7-11 at about 1:30 in the morning, I planned on hanging out at a nearby parking lot. Drove there and saw her car. Drove back out and...

Found a different spot to park in and gather my thoughts.

So.. that was... the last time I saw her.

...

She had a pimple on her forehead.

I stood my ground.

She... fell back into her ego. Demanded things from me.

Expressed disappointment that I wouldn't give her what she was expecting.

And... still ignorant of how much she... has used me, in the past.

Used me and gave little back in return.

No lingerie, no scones.

No big trip being planned for us. Like she said she would.

Have to fight to... have sex... to cuddle.. to be respected and appreciated and loved.

Not going to fight anymore.

Seven days...

Seven days.

Not sure where... I'll be going from here.

But I do know one thing.

I deserve better.

I've given her so much and I deserve better.

I say that with confidence and with faith.

And with hope.

I'm going to miss her daughter. Our conversations. Our potential.

Our potential.

If only... she would take us more seriously. Realize that the world doesn't revolve around her. Develop more self-awareness about herself.

Realize the effects her actions and the lack-of has on the relationships around her.

...

This time apart is... good, I suppose. Not good in the way it is making me and her feel, but good.

Good to test ourselves this way.

We could've been amazing together. We were amazing. We had our amazing moments.

But she doesn't realize that I am not going to provide her with everything she wants while she sits back and does whatever she feels.

And... doesn't take my happiness into consideration,

Doesn't realize that I have to be happy in order to want to please her.

And... I am not in the business of giving... without at least being appreciated for it.

No appreciation. No reason for me to continue.

And the words that come out of her mouth, that sometimes appear to be appreciation; is not backed up by her actions.

Her actions speak louder than her tongue does.

And... I know...

She...

...

It doesn't matter.

I'm still here.

I feel lost, but I am still here.

I am listened towards. Watched over.

I shouldn't fear the future.

I am still... a believer.

I still dream.

I still have faith. In plans that are greater and grander than my mortal brain can comprehend the workings of.

For the first time since Lauren... I now know what it feels to be on the opposite side of the fence.

And...

I hope I'm doing this better than what Lauren has done to me.

I don't want to hurt Fola... but... she seems to desire it. There's a reason why she openly said that she wants me to abuse her. Even if she cannot consciously explain it.

Her selfishness has to stop.

And perhaps...

I am helping.

Anyways...

Time will reveal all things...

Even if I cannot perceive them now.

I have stood my ground and spoke my truth.

For that, I will accept punishment and reward alike.

I will not betray myself any further.

So help me God.