Knock, And The Door Shall Open

Holy heck, blog. Has today been an intellectual and spiritual whirlwind of realizations for me.

A few days ago I had the impulse to message a Reddit user. All I did was see this one message, posted in a thread that was discussing astral projection, I believe. Perhaps that wasn't even the topic. Regardless, I had the compulsion to message this fellow because there was something to the way he wrote his words that strongly resonated with me. On one level, it felt as if I was seeing myself. Another version of my own mind, right there in words. It wasn't the contents of his message that gripped me, but rather the way his mind structured the words. It reminded me of something primordial, almost archetypal, and it seemed like he was a fellow comrade that I needed to tip my hat towards.

So, I did just that, sent him a message, and the flood gates opened.

We have only exchanged three messages since then, but each were jam-packed full of information about our mutual interests. Egypt, astral projection, UFOs, the occult, magic, philosophy, etc, etc. I was overjoyed at how much was being reciprocated. I was further overjoyed, when I discovered that Brandon was only 26 years old. 26 and already thinking with clarity and maturity.

Hungry for information, I then fed it to him. All the stuff that came to my mind about UFOs, and Egypt and what have you.

And today, oh boy, did something ever happen.

He sent me a message this morning and I wrote a long reply to it, but Reddit had a character limit so I then offered my email address. Haven't heard back from him yet. But, what really is interesting, is that around a month ago I had stumbled across a CIA document from 1983 that discussed the military application of the techniques that Robert Monroe of the Monroe Institute devised for achieving out of body experiences, astral projection, healing, and traversing dimensions outside of our physical reality.

Brandon, in his last message, told me about his interest in astral projection and mentioned Monroe. Gave me a link to a Hemi-Sync YouTube video, which I listened to while in bed a few hours ago. It made me woozy. I shall need to further experiment with it and do more research.

As I was reading his description about astral projection and why he was interested in achieving it, something hit me.

That document! From about a month ago, that CIA document of which I had only read a few pages of, was triggered in my mind and I went to my phone to see where I had placed it. At the time I downloaded it, I briefly skimmed the opening segment and filed it away thinking I would return to it at my convenience. It wasn't until Brandon mentioned Monroe, that I listened to his YouTube video and went to read the entirety of this paper.

And boy, did it ever fuck my noggin hard.

It was so good.

I have spent the past two hours looking at this "short" 29 page document of which two very important pages were missing, but nonetheless, I was amazed by all of it.

For one, it has confirmed some of the theories I have about God and the Universe. It made mention of the Torus, which is the theoretical shape of the universe. I remembered coming across the Torus somehow, and in a moment of psychosis, wrote it down in a notebook (since discarded during my trip to Toronto last year). I stated with absolute confidence, that this is the shape of the universe. I had seen this in a dream. I am aware of seven dimensions and an 8th that encompasses it all into a whole. I had envisioned this shape, this Torus, and didn't know what it was until coming across it by random chance on a Wikipedia page. While the Torus I saw didn't quite match what the paper detailed, it was very close. Mine looked vaguely like an hourglass enclosed within a sphere, webbed with lines of energy and "dots" which seemed to move around the entire structure. Yesterday, I had read an article about 10 insights gained from an Ayahuasca experience, and one of those insights talked about, was how "dots" represented "love". Perhaps this is what I had seen. Love flowing all around and within the universe.

That was insight #1, the Torus. Incredible. And still amazing that I met Brandon, and he "triggered" me to remember I had this document on Monroe techniques and their evaluation. It is an awesome bit of synchroncity and I am excited to tell him about it once he emails me back.

Second insight, is that this paper pretty well "proves" the viability of astral-projection, and it further proves the existence of God. It really cemented some of the ideas I've had, and it solved a question I had been wondering about for a while. That question is what happens when we "reach" God after traversing/evolving through the seven dimensions? The answer it proposes, is that we merge with him. I had considered merging in the past and believed it, but I was somewhat frightened about the idea of losing my identity while doing so. This paper laid that fear to rest, and described that a soul would still have its autonomy and independence, but it would not be able to "create" or direct its "will". That was an interesting observation. So, while I would "merge" with this universal consciousness, I would not lose who I am as an individual. I however, would relinquish my will and powers of creation, in order to become an observer. That is what this paper suggested.

An observer. Would I be content with that? As I thought about this, I began to imagine myself being like the Sun. It doesn't actually "create" or "will" anything. It simply radiates its essence out to creation. To those that can create and will for themselves. It is likely aware of everything that it shines upon, in darkness and in light; but it has no capacity to really do anything other than what it does.

I don't know. Could I be content with a life like that? Then again, perhaps this total information and ultimate perception is an addictive and satisfying way of being. Imagine knowing everything about anyone and everything that is happening within the solar system or the galaxy. That is true knowledge. Ultimate perception. Perhaps it would be a wild thing to experience. Even if the Sun would be alive for millions of years... And yet, wouldn't there be much loneliness? Is knowledge enough? I don't know, but I will continue to be thinking about this.

Other ideas in the paper... Man.. THREE SECTIONS ARE MISSING. I was really on the edge of my seat, leaning into my phone as I followed section #34, which ended in explaining the Holy Trinity, I had always seen it as "Father/Son/Mother" or, "Yin/Yang/Inbetween"

Just Googled Yin/Yang to see if there was a word describing the separation between the two, as I vaguely recall that there is. Haven't found it yet, but I did find this lovely quote:

The Way begot one,
And the one, two;
Then the two begot three
And three, all else.

Another version of the Holy Trinity.

Mother/Father/Child.

The paper I was engrossed in, described "God" in secular terms and called it "The Absolute". It then described how the "son" was created, which is the Absolute projecting a portion of itself out, and then later being able to perceive it. Unfortunately, that is when the missing sections occurred, and I was not able to see what came about the third aspect of the Trinity. Which was such a cliffhanger and a let-down, as I hoovered up all this data.

It was an intense paper. Lots of care was put into the science behind it, and it really did focus on the viability of remote viewing/OBEs for military application. It concluded that it was viable, but required a lot of work to achieve. In 1983!! Imagine... Imagine if the commander who this paper was presented towards, decided that yes, this was a project worth undertaking. Let's get it going.

And it is now 2018. 35 years later.

35 years ago, this program could have been in operation.

In 35 years, so much progress may have been made. 35 years could also have meant a greater refinement of the Monroe techniques. 35 years means... Shit, it means that the military, or the CIA or whatever "shadow" Government with access to the program/data, could have acquired a lot of interesting information during that time. About how the universe works, and what our function is and ... God knows what else.

Aliens. Dammit. If this paper is indicative of the care and effort into researching strange phenomena and odd ideas; I really want to see the paper on aliens.

And whatever else that is being kept from me.

Makes me wonder if I would actually consent to giving up my power to choose and to use my will in order to gain the sum of all knowledge. I still don't know about that yet.

Perhaps I would have to be given a brief taste, before deciding.

And the rest of the paper.. It CONFIRMS THE LAW OF ATTRACTION. Theoretically, anyways. It doesn't actually offer real evidence, but it makes a sound theoretical case for thoughts being able to create reality. And this was decades before "the Secret" came out.

Shit. I really am a fool who thought himself wise whenever I argued with Fola about how to "correctly" use the "secret". I still have so much to learn. At the very least, my skepticism has moved from "confirmation bias" to "there is something here" and...

Man.. what else did I read about?

Healing. There is a good case being made for the ability to heal oneself. And there is an indirect case made for Reiki. I can't believe it. I am a fool for doubting Fola. She is on the right track with what she is doing.

Even if she doesn't understand it on an intellectual level or how best to use it.

And now, I am beginning to understand it.

Yin/Yang... Man...

I am slowly getting it. I am the rational guy that wants to believe and somewhat sorta does. She is the intuitive gal that definitely believes, but cannot explain it in terms that make it believable to others.

What a couple we make.

I am getting it. I am learning. My God...

And I had another insight earlier while reading this document. I know what my function is in our relationship.

I must bring order to chaos.

She is chaos. Chaotic, and it is my duty to balance it out. To organize it. To keep it from going to the extreme.

And in turn, she will keep me on edge with her intensity. Always providing me with things to organize and mull over.

I see it as knowledge. Organized knowledge. She is the accumulator. The gatherer, and I am the one who has to make sense of it all. So that others who are logically-minded, can benefit. Reason must not be sacrificed for intuition, and neither should intuition for reason. That balance is so crucial and it is an important goal to have and to teach once realized.

Balance. I just ordered a book called "Balancing Magic with Reason" and I already have "The Breakdown of Consciousness in the Bicameral mind" which proposes humanity having lived by the consciousness of God, and not by their own volition, thousands of years ago. That first book came to my attention by random chance today also.

This makes so much sense. I have to hold onto my skepticism and rely upon rationality, but to also keep an open mind and not wave away the craziness she often reports on. Such as feeling vibrations, and... visions...

She is crazy. And it is my job to keep her rational. To promote rationality.

And it is her job to promote and demonstrate faith.

I get it now.

What a couple we make. And we aren't talking. Last night I sent her two emails. One of them angry, the other more restrained. I said a bunch of things. Wanted to explain why I was angry at her last week (being called a molester, indirectly) and... the other email... well, it was more fatherly, I suppose. I can't quite remember everything I said in it. Lots of expressions of disappointment. Not stuff she would appreciate, I'm sure. Haven't heard back on any of those.

Oh, and she posted a video talking about us. About Twin Flames. I...

Yeah. I don't know.

I keep going between true Twin Flame and false Twin Flame, and... It makes sense that a true TF would help you to grow. You can't grow when you are comfortable and in deep synchroncity with someone, that conflict rarely arises between the two of you. That's what bliss is for. That happily ever after ending is not going to help anyone to evolve. It's nice to have, but it has to be earned.

And I feel that this is that process of improving ourselves and earning that outcome. In a way, she is my false Twin Flame that is preparing me for my true one. I think I am solving this riddle. All that pain and anger between us is necessary for us to grow. To evolve. And once we do, in this life, than I imagine we will be meeting our happily ever after, in the next one.

Or perhaps, it will be us. Maybe, once we evolve, we will become the happily ever after in the next life.

I don't know.

Maybe even in this one...

But, I do know that there is something going on with the world today. Some kind of consciousness raising effort is taking place. I am having these insights. Earlier today I imagined myself as a kind of ...

Man, never mind about that part.

We'll see.

And.. Yeah... I don't know what is going to happen with Fola and I right now. I don't think our drama is over with. I just hope it ends well.

I do hope for us to get back together and to be able to get along.

Yeah... I miss her. And I am also seeing the value of us spending time apart.

I get it now.

I just...

You know.. It really does come down to trusting God. Even if I never see her again, I have to accept that this was the divine plan for me. I don't like the idea of being lonely and unloved the rest of my days, but...

I don't like the but... even if this is all temporary, I still want to be loved. In this life. By someone like her.

And I would love her in turn.

I still do.

And... fuck, man. I am a dog begging at the table for scraps. Scraps that taste so good when I receive them.

And I suspect she... expects something of me. I think... I have to figure this part out. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I do remember what she was attracted towards when we first met.

Being in my own power. Taking charge. Making decisions.

Bringing order out of chaos.

Leading the way by my own light.

I must learn to take charge.

I must become a man.

I must fulfill my role in all this.

And so does she.

I hope God has this plan for us in this life.

I...

I love her.

I love Him. Or It.

I am starting to see the Truth of all that there is. It only took a few decades.

And I am not likely to completely realize all that I wish to know in this lifetime, and that's fine. I have acquired a satisfying amount of pieces to play with.

For now.

I must make use of this wisdom I have been given.

I must create the reality I desire.

I said in my last post, that only when I stop trying, can I admit to having failed.

I know what my desires are.

I will bring them into being.

No matter how much it hurts.

Because...

God is on my side.

And so are my spirits.

Thank you.

Carl.

If that is your real name.

😉44

The Adept and the Imp

Inspired last week by the story The Adept and the Imp; I came to realize a few important Truths in my journey towards God.

Occult Mysteries is a website that has a number of articles pertaining to the Occult, what it is, what it can be used for and how one may come to distinguish between Truth and falsehood.

My mind has been orbiting around this website since I had read the above story. There have been some pet-theories popping into my brain causing me to question the relationship I have been in with Fola.

Teacher and student. Master and disciple. Adept and initiate.

I'm... not entirely comfortable calling myself a Master by any means or stretch of the imagination, but I am acknowledging the teacher aspect of the equation.

She is willing to defer the responsibility of rational thinking and direction to a "higher" authority, which can mean shamans, gurus, psychics and YouTube personalities. That suggests a student mentality where she doesn't question, test, or come to conclusions on her own. Her joining and then withdrawing from the OTO, is proof of that.

I'm tired right now, blog. Have to go to work soon. Not really feeling it. Weather is gloomy out there and I'm feeling aches in my left elbow and a stiff neck with a stiff back. It's hard work, what I do for a living, and... it can be demoralizing as well, sometimes.

But, Occult Mysteries has given me a ray of hope. One of the articles I most liked on that site, is the one about trusting in God. No matter what may befall you. It echoes the article I wrote on Medium a few days ago, about boosting prayer.

I must heed onto the words that I speak, for they are empty and hollow if I do not live my life by the teachings I promote.

And so, I am... in flux. I feel... I miss her.

I miss Fola... and my heart is... telling me to... wait.

Just wait.

I believe that if she is serious about us. If she really wants to become a part of my life, then there are conditions to be met that she needs to adhere towards. Non-negotiable conditions. Such as respect, and honor and concern and selflessness.

If she is willing and serious, then I can only wait, and see what she will do to express her commitment to me. To us. Because, I cannot dictate it for her. She has to come to do that of her own volition. I will not make her. I will not instruct her.

Unless she asks me to.

But, she has to ask. She has to truly believe that there is much for the two of us to still do together. To learn and grow and become happy and more in our own power. To become the best each of us can be.

Teacher and pupil, alike.

So, blog. I am tired. I am weary. I am...

I am.

And I must learn to accept that.

That this is how things must be. For now. Until God instructs me otherwise.

Until I am directed elsewhere.

I have been directed before, and I will be directed again,

Right now, I can only wait. Even though it is painful.

Even though I think of her often. Negatively.

Maybe I should think of the good between us instead.

The way we'd lie next to each other in bed.

Looking into each other's eyes.

Sex.

Candles.

Touching.

Kissing.

...

I am not feeling particularly verbose today. I don't have much thoughts that I feel need to be written down and at the same time, I have a lot to write about.

But I am not feeling inspired enough to do so.

Therefore, I must wait.

Until...

The time is right.

Strings Still Attached

The pull is strong today. I am resisting it, and it's difficult.

Wanted to text her this:

http://www.occult-mysteries.org/occult-faq.html

But she likely won't care, or learn from any of it.

Wanted to send her this:

https://play.google.com/music/m/T3ngnndt6j3wdcsajyr7zuminxq?t=All_Together_Bonus_B_Side_-_Matthew_Good_Band

But, she'll probably read the lyrics the wrong way. And besides, it's a song for me, anyways.

All Together (B-Side)

Over the rainbow,
out over the lawn,
stretch out on this sleepless bed
and wait for your kingdom come.

Over the night-glow,
out under the stars,
a whole life to get perfect bliss,
just hanging on.

See, we've been nothing for far too long,
and I've been wondering what went wrong,
and, baby, if you can put me all together.

Out over the night-glow,
out over our loss,
a quiet to eat the world and
rest in strangers' arms.

See, we've been nothing for far too long
i've been wondering what went wrong
and, baby, if you can put me all together

...

Life goes on. More difficult than before.

But...

I don't know.

This is how it has to be.

Moving on Without Moving

It's tough. Today I'm really thinking about her and it's been negative for the most part.

I suppose my mind is attempting to rationalize the outburst I let out on Saturday. I find that I have no shortage of reasons to not be with that woman, and I have very few to be with her.

But, those very few reasons seem to exert their own gravitational pull. I can't deny that I love her. I can't deny how good it feels to be with her. At times.

I cannot ignore how intense our connection was, and still is, as I sit on the green grass leaning up against a large rock at Hermitage park.

It's a beautiful day outside. One that would be made better if I could spend it with someone worthwhile.

Someone who smiles at me with a twinkle in their eyes. Who reaches for my hand, or my arm, and leans over for a meaningful kiss.

Part of what this breakup difficult, is that I sometimes had close approximations of those feelings with her. Sometimes it was just right, and felt so good, that I miss being with her. To occasionally partake of such moments.

Ocassionally. Because it's rare. Rare moments that are not unlike the dog under the dining room table waiting patiently for scraps.

And I am not a dog.

I no longer consent to being treated like one.

And I think of her. What she is doing and feeling and thinking, and I feel this sad unknowing that it's either good or bad. But likely bad... I think...

What we've shared together, will stick in our memories and hearts. My anger will also. And I do not know if she will accept responsibility or if she will  brush it all away and continue going on making poor choices and following "signs" as she further corrupts her already corrupted self.

I love that woman, but I no longer can stand idly by and watch her destroy herself in the false pursuit of truth.

Which is tattooed on her wrist. This slogan that is hypocritically and permanently marked upon her.

Let Truth be her guide. Her intuition has proven itself wrong many times before, and I pray that something now will have changed. I pray she will realize the error of her ways. I pray for her to understand and know the difference between falsehood and fact, of good and evil. To know integrity and to honour that which is most important.

Love.

Money will not buy her love.

The OTO will not give her wisdom.

Angels, Ascended Masters, psychics, shamans and YouTube personalities will not grant her Truth.

It has to come from within herself. Not from outside.

Not even from me. All I can do is point the way. I cannot control her.

Though she often has told me she desires just that. And that is the lazy way out. That is the deflection of responsibility.

For she must achieve such glories and realizations on her own.

I love her.

I love you Fola.

But you must fix yourself.

You must try.

Listen to the voice within and reason with it once it speaks.

Then. And only then can you make the choice to fly with your heart, once you've discerned truth being spoken and not lies. Not false promises.

Once you decide to surrender to love and make that your highest priority, everything else will fall into place.

I believe in you. This is possible. Even if it may be very difficult to do.

If you believe in my love for you, you will try.

If you do not, then you shall remain the same.

Until the next we meet.

In this life or the next.

Veritas lux mea.

Truth is your light.

Done.

We're done. Finished. I know, this has been said before and it is being said again.

But this time I think it'll stick.

After my last blog entry, I went to work and suffered the silence of not voicing out the indignations and feelings I was having to Fola. She then picked up on something and asked what was wrong. I told her I was dealing with insecurities and annoyances and that they'll pass. She then said I could talk to her about whatever was bothering me, and I refused, knowing that she will only get on the defensive and start making excuses for the grievances I would have aired.

When I chanced to send her a text saying that I still felt upset about her accusation, her "fear" that she shared with me, she wrote back with this:

"I like it when you said you wouldn't. I knew you would."

And I blew up. I took her message as meaning that she liked how I said I wouldn't molest her daughter, but KNEW that I would anyways."

Really blew up. I phoned her when I read that message. At 2:15am. She didn't pick up and I left a voicemail. She then texted with "whats wrong" and I unloaded on her.

She brushed off my concerns. Giving me a weak reply and then ended with a "night" while she went back to sleep.

I had enough. Spent the rest of my shift trying not to be upset when everything was going wrong with the job I was doing. Ridiculously so, as if the Gods were intent on breaking me down into little pieces.

But, I held strong. Made it through, and when I got my tea and sat in the car after work looking at her messages. I unloaded.

I really unloaded.

Everything that I had been keeping to myself was revealed. I didn't care about her feelings anymore She didn't care or respect mine, so why should I?

Told her she was crazy. She... Man.. there were too many messages I sent at around 5:30 am. I think I sent a couple dozen of them.

Everything held back was revealed.

And... I ended it with the words, "another time, another life"

Sent her the blog entry I wrote on Friday.

And blocked her.

She wasn't going to write back with anything meaningful. She was not going to say sorry. She was only going to be making excuses.

And be dismissive of my concerns.

Like she has been in the past.

So, its over.

With the way I was feeling after all this, I called in sick Saturday and went to Elk Island park. Tried to feel with my heart. Spent time watching people play on the beach and then moved my car to a spot where I could be alone. Watched the sun set. Cried a bit, and then moved elsewhere.

I found a barn, and no one was around. Went there. Sat for a bit. Cried.

Got home. Sobbed every so often.

And.. Sunday was better. Didn't think I cried once. Felt more angry than anything. Told my mom about what happened, and how that if she can't trust me after a year and a half, if she can't believe my love for her is genuine, if she actually thinks I could molest her daughter; then, there is no point to any of this. She won't trust me. And to me, that is a deal breaker.

I've always wanted the best for her. For us, and she sabotages the relationship in the most innovative and clever of ways. Each week there is something new she does that kills the momentum we've built up. This week was her "fears", last week was messaging her ex, the week before was the OTO, and so on and so on.

She is... On her own now.

She won't listen to me, therefore, I shall not be listening to her.

She won't trust me or to work towards making me feel loved and appreciated, I shall do none of these for her also.

She gives me shit for possibly messaging a woman, but continues messaging guys, going as far as putting a heart next to their comments on Facebook and a thumbs up next to my comment.

We're done. She doesn't know what love requires or is made up of.

All she wants to do is take.

Make promises she won't keep.

Disrespect me. Will take the advice of YouTube personalities, gurus, shamans, witch doctors and psychics but will not listen to my advice. Will not take it seriously.

I'm done.

If she can't listen to the one that loves her, if she has to look to YouTube people and Shamans and members of a devil-worshipping cult for answers; then she has made her own bed and will have to lay in it.

I have done enough.

I will not consort with evil any longer.

Her daughter's birthday is coming up. I feel like I should go. Ivy is blameless in all this, and I wouldn't mind seeing her once more before I well and truly pull the plug.

I know I am saying this is done, and... I don't know what to expect next. Am I going to fall again for her? Will we be back together again?

Not anytime soon.

Only time will tell.

Another time, another life.

If not later on in this one, than the next one.

I have to work on myself again. I have to... learn certain things about who I am and where I am going. I can't do this when someone is drowning next to me and I have to work to keep them aloft in addition to myself.

Let her drown. Its apparently what she wants to do. Learn the hard way. Walk towards evil and fear and New Age bullshit that steers her every which way except towards the Truth.

Love is an important Truth.

She ignores that.

So...

Let her discover for herself what her mistakes are.

And let her work upon them. Without my influence or intervention.

I love that woman. I don't know why but I do.

And I know she loves me. But there is something preventing her from fully expressing it.

I don't know what that would be.

But, that's not for me to worry about any longer.

I have loved her as well as I could. I have tried, and my patience has run out.

There is only so much disrespect and abuse I can take.

...

And I became angry at her. I didn't like it, but I realize that I had to. She needed to wake up. She  won't respond to love, but will respond to anger.

So, anger it is.

...

I did not make a mistake doing what I did. A compassionate individual might think that I shouldn't have gotten angry at all. That I should be sympathetic and empathetic and whatever else.

But, those are qualities that not everyone needs or respect, in order to change themselves.

Sometimes anger is necessary. The emotion can be used for good or bad purposes.

And I feel that I have used it for good.

Well blog...

The journey continues.

I am alone again.

My heart is warm right now.

That means something.

I remember.

I remember how it was.

The heart glows for a reason.

...

Maybe someday I'll figure this out.

I want to join the Secret Order.

But I am not ready.

I will be.

Soon as I get over all this.

Soon as I forgive myself.

And her.

Then.

I will press forward.

And realize the best of who I am.

It Just Keeps Going

Hello blog, so many things to write about that I can't keep up with regular updates.

That woman is consuming me. One day she's hot, the next she's cold. We'll have momentum going between us for a few days, and then she'll do something that screeches it all to a halt and makes me not like her.

And then, as always, I end up loving her.

Yesterday had her inviting me over for dinner. She made this delicious lamb bolognese pasta which I was pretty impressed by. My favourite moment, however, had to do with ringing the doorbell and seeing the smile of her daughter Ivy as she answered. I gave her a quick tickle and a hug and all felt right in the world.

The rest of the time I spent there went well. Great food, had fun with Ivy and Fola and I spent quality time together, which was made easier by the fact that her sister Sade left a few minutes after I arrived to go to a softball game.

And as I'm leaving and driving to work, riding this high, feeling full of love and goodness and a happy stomach; I get this message from Fola about how she has these "fears" that I would do something to her daughter. Heavily implied it would be sexual.

There goes my good mood. Being subtley accused of having the potential to be a child molester, didn't leave me feeling very uplifted. I was pissed off. I love her daughter, and I love kids. Two hugs and a kiss on the cheek does not necessitate those fears she was having. More so when it is with me, because she's known me for a year and a half now. I thought it was a disgusting fear to vocalize to me, and I told her as much.

Blog, I am.. so fucking conflicted with this woman. Earlier today she was telling me about how she wants to take me on a trip someplace, and all I could think was: words, words, words.

No action. No surprises. Just throwing out words and trying to elicit certain feelings from me with their hollowness. As if those were welcome substitutes for, you know, actually planning a trip together. Or surprising me with one.

And then earlier today, she had something happen at McDonalds where she got free food from some girl named "Blessing" and suddenly she throws on her phone and records this live video on Facebook about how the Law of Attraction works, and that there's this vacuum that needs to be filled in order for riches to come into your life, etc etc. Yesterday she filmed a video on this topic as well, based on a book that I had the impulse to give her. She hardly mentions me in the video. Just this really quiet, "my partner gave me" comment that could barely be heard. No mention of me at all, really. No thanks given to me, which enabled this recent hyperactivity and excitement in her.

Not that I desire the credit, but I want to be appreciated. And I'm not. It's all about her, and things "magically" come to her. Anonymously, and without needing to be acknowledged.

What bothers me the most, is not only does she not credit me by name, but there's no mention of me on her Facebook. No pictures of us together, and she has this picture of her with some other guy on there.

I really don't feel loved by this woman. I don't. She takes me for granted, and I have to pull my hairs out at the stupid shit she does, like joining the OTO which she later tells me she's glad she didn't do.

But she would have, if I didn't raise a fuss about it. Again, not giving me credit, and basically making it sound like it was her own decision not to join. Despite the fact that she sent in a pre-enrollment application and enthusiastically asked me to "support" her decision. Which she kept secret from me until I asked questions about her meeting with those two guys from the group.

Fola does not have a good head on her shoulders. This morning as I was having my tea after work, I stumbled across my old friend Jerry Chan and I was surprised to see that not only did he marry the girl (Shawna) whom he met while we were still on good terms; but they also have a child together now, a boy, that came in this year.

I was really happy for him. Seeing the smile on his wife's face and his son and on his own, really caused this swelling in my heart. I still remember teasing him for being a virgin, and he ended up marrying the girl he lost his virginity towards. The second girlfriend he's ever had.

(sighs)

Humility. Fola has none of it. And when I looked at Jerry's wife's Facebook feed, I saw what was missing in my life.

Happiness. And a woman who appreciates and would want to be happy with me. Who can make me laugh, and whom I can make laugh also. I can't do this with Fola. She doesn't have anything but a cruel sense of sarcastic, dark humor. She can't have an intelligent conversation, either it seems. All the stuff she's "learning" I'm interested in, but she retains very little of it and doesn't have a good grasp on most of what she's passsionate about.

And she has the gall to be posting videos online about how awesome she is at manifesting things and "teaching" others to do the same. Her card says "manifestor" on it for Christ sake. That's not even a real word/

I'm embarsssed by this woman, to be honest. Every time she seems to make progress, her pride and ignorance appears to get the better of her. And when something small like free ice cream appears, she starts raving about how the "universe" "blessed" her.

It's madness. It's crazy. It's... boastful and prideful and ignorant.

In my opinion.

Whenever she gives "thanks" to the universe, I get annoyed. Because I think she is stripping it from the name it actually goes by.

God. The universe is God. Not "the universe" like its some impartial, unintelligent entity floating around in the ether. Able to grant wishes.

And she is absolutely power-mad. She really wants a Land Rover, and then tells me later that maybe chasing after a car is not what she should be doing. Then she messages me earlier today about, "I wonder what's my next ambition after I get my Land Rover", going back to wanting a damned car again.

Materialistic, and her spiritual side is...

Greedy. That's the right word. Her liked videos on YouTube is a testament to her OCD about all this stuff. Wanting to be a clairovoyant and seeing auras and healing people with her magical powers.

I truly am dating a crazy woman. A crazy woman with misguided faith and understanding.

I believe in all this stuff. I've manifested things before. I sense that I am on a path of some kind that has been predestined and arranged for me. By my own hand and by the hand of God and whatever else.

And I remain grateful for this opportunity. It stresses me the fuck out sometimes to be with Fola, but then there are times like yesterday, when everything feels perfect and exactly the way I'd like my life to be.

Until she sent me that message about her "fears".

God damn... I was going to say, God damn that woman, but that is harsh...

I want to believe she can change, and she has changed. But two steps forward, one step back, is a dance that frustrates the hell out of me.

Perhaps I need to place more focus on myself.

Spending too much time thinking about her and her antics that its crowding everything else out in my life. My own ambitions and creative and spiritual pursuits.

And clearly I am not all that important to her. Or maybe I am, but she has a terribly ignorant way of expressing it. Some questions in text gets flat out ignored. I am not mentioned or displayed anywhere on Facebook. She likely doesn't mention me to her friends and family all that much. She hasn't suggested I meet any of her friends since Ryan and Lenore. She talks about how she's willing to be "disowned" by her family should we be living together, but thats just talk.

Most of it is talk.

Time for doing, Fola.

It's time to prove your words.

You're a force of nature. A malestrom that topples homes and buildings as it spins wildly out of control on a path that you have little idea or awareness of. Whoops, there goes a mobile home, tore the roof right off and now there's a hole in the ground. Who cares? She didn't notice. And when I point out the consequences of her ignorant pride, she gets upset at my dragging her "vibration" down. Or she becomes distant and closed-off again.

I am having such a hard time keeping up with that woman.

But, for some reason, there is something valuable here. Lessons that appear to assist in evolving the two of us.

And for that, I continue to hold on to this tail as the beast spins me around wildly. From love to disgust, from respect to loathing. From pride, to shame.

Over and over and over again.

God, heed my words and heal that woman. Give me the strength and tools and wisdom to help make her into the woman she wants to be. With none of the pride and ego attached. Or as little of it as possible.

Have her be happy and proud to be with me. Have her be thankful for the things that I do for her and willing to reciprocate. Willing and demonstrating the apparent love she has for me.

And to find self-awareness and balance enough to be able to think straight. To make intelligent and informed decisions.

To help her find her way.

And to help me find mine, also.

Even though this feels like the right path for me at the moment, I am having my doubts.

So many doubts.

And I pray to you to dispel them from me. Or to move me onto someone more deserving.

I am your servant. I serve God, the Universe, the collective unconscious. Love.

I serve love. Even though it has been very difficult for me to do so. I continue to try.

And the trying is what matters. No matter how much I struggle.

No matter how sad I get.

No matter how badly I desire certain things in my life.

I have to keep trying.

For those that keep trying, they can never fail.

It is only when we stop trying, can we admit to having failed.

I will not fail.

I will rise triumphant.

And I will be as humble as possible when I do.

Thank you.

Amen.