Black Hole

I'm ashamed of myself. Couldn't break up with her completely. Blocked her number, and she sent emails. Then, looked at the block list again and stupidly decided to text. Lead to an avalanche of texts, and she drove out an hour to the lake I was at.

Fuck, man.

I'm at work and I can't get into more detail.

I don't know what to do anymore.

She...

Fuck.

It feels like... She owes me, and I'm letting her repay her debt with monopoly money. Karma hasn't been lifted for whatever she has done to me. And is still doing.

I'm quick to forgive and slow to heal.

I...

Need to be patient.

Something is going to happen.

I need to be authentic.

And...

Ugh.

I'm ashamed.

I've nothing else to say.

Other than I'm sorry.

I'm naive.

I've always wanted to believe in love.

Always.

And a taste of it seems to be all I need to be contented with, and that's not true.

But I hold on with frail hopes.

And...

Sighs.

Fuck.

Baphomet Awakens

Took a big step this morning as I looked at my phone.

Decided to blacklist her.

Its been enough of a gong show that I don't have much else I can do with that woman.

Here is what happened yesterday.

I woke up that afternoon was the word "piezoelectric" on my mind. I remembered fragments of a dream that I had, where I was teaching a little girl, possibly Ivy, how to bend spoons. I remember seeing her bend one and then showing her how I did it, which made it bend and curl even more. During all that, I could feel a type of static electricity shooting out from my fingers. Which made it all the more interesting that I woke up with that piezoelectric word in my mind, which means electricity generated under pressure.

Also in that dream, I had a sense that I had mastery over the world. Kind of like lucid dreaming. There was a moment where I was driving in a car and came across an extremely steep slope. There wasn't any way for the car to start going up at this impossible angle, but I remember looking at it and going "sticky wheels" and then the tires of the car stuck firmly to the surface as I drove up to the top.

Dream symbolism/interpretation tells me that I am coming to mastery. The desire or the realization of mastery, in some way shape or form.

After getting up, I went to Toys R Us to pick up this:

Ivy's birthday is in a few weeks, thought that would be a great gift for her. The box was heavy as heck to put into my car. Not looking forward to having to put that all together, but maybe it'll be simple enough.

So, from there, I stopped at Carl Jr's for food since I haven't tried them before. Fola was about to get off of work, so we agreed to meet at Hermitage Park. She said she would be there at 5:50, which would give us around 40 minutes before I would have to leave for work.

I get there at around 5:52 and noticed she wasn't around. Decided to sit on a bench and eat my food.

At 6:15 she arrives. Coming to my bench, giving me a weak hug and kiss and sitting down. Looking cold and distant.

"Are you tired? Stressed? How was your day?" I asked her, noticing something strangely detached about her.

"No, my day was good. Busy." She says.

And then tells me that she contacted an ex-boyfriend of hers. A guy named Steven, who she loved and was loved by for a number of years.

Why? Because he got this as a tattoo:

Baphomet. The devil. The occult symbol of ostensible evil, but means other things as well.

I was livid. It was bad enough that she contacted an ex again, its even worse that she's using this Baphomet thing as a reason she thinks I should be okay with.

This comes from last week, where we had a fight over her joining the Ordo Templi Orientis (OTO), an organization that basically encourages narcissism and selfish behavior, where rituals and spells are cast to summon demons and Gods like Baphomet for whatever reason or another.

Look at what part of the initiation ceremony involves:

The Ceremony of Minerval, in appearance trivial and formal, contains a doctrine of substantial occult significance. The Candidate before admission is bound by an obligation in which he recognizes Baphomet as the Supreme Authority.

And the form they have to fill out involves them pledging an oath to the order, where they remove the OTO from all liability involving broken bones, psychological trauma, sexually transmitted diseases and even death.

When I asked if she was joining, she said yes. Then she read my email about how I am ending the relationship if she does. Then she changed her mind.

She is ignorant. Can't even be bothered to read any of Crowley's books or to do a little research into the OTO before agreeing to join. Has no problem with swearing an oath, because as she told me yesterday, "I don't believe in contracts/oaths".

What a shitty individual. That's the woman I love? And want to be loved by? What the fuck is wrong with me? With her?

If she joins, she's basically joining a cult that reveres selfishness and teaches sex magic.

Signing that form would be like signing her soul away. They can do whatever the fuck they want with her.

And.. man... We got over that crisis last week, I thought, until she sent me a picture of this, a few days ago:

Oh, look! Crowley in the top left corner. Second one in.

Right next to the SRF guy. Fola told me she thought that was interesting, and I knew why.

That idiot girl has no mind of her own. She blindly follows "signs" that take her in what appears to be a dark direction.

I've given up on her. There's no hope in fixing stupid. She wants to be laying naked on some altar and fellating some guy during a ritual? Go ahead. I want no part of it. I won't be renouncing Jesus and God and supporting a cult whose founder thinks its okay to subject small children to all manner of sex acts and depravity. As his words say:

Moreover, the Beast 666 [Crowley] adviseth that all children shall be accustomed from infancy to witness every type of sexual act." Israel Regardie: "The Law is for All", Arizona 1975, 114

Wonderful. And this is the woman I am dating?

That's my soul mate? My twin flame, who is willing to swear an oath to the leader of a cult in which he advocates for pedophilia and corruption?

http://www.parareligion.ch/2009/secret/secrets.htm

That link is so interesting. Crowley was a mad man. He died broke and penniless and unloved and riddled with sexual diseases. Heck of a role model to look up to.

And Fola wants to join this shit.

Oh, and part of the initiation involves consuming semen.

Yeah... I don't want to be spending the rest of my life with someone who is willing to do and believe in all these things. Someone so utterly brainless. Inconsiderate, selfish and without empathy.

Do what she wilt, shall be the whole of the law.

Fuck her.

She can go back to being how she was when we met. Sleeping with multiple random people, getting STDs and following "signs" all the way to hell.

And fooling herself into thinking she wants to help people and become a great healer.

And develop her psychic powers.

Fucking idiot.

I've loved her, and she knows that. She's felt that.

She does not respect that.

So.

Fuck her.

We're done.

And I had to blacklist her, because I am so quick to forgive that I don't know what she will text me with next. And I don't think engaging with her is wise. She doesn't listen to me anyways. Won't listen to reason.

Won't follow the path of love.

That's her choice.

She's made her bed.

And now she must lay in it.

All hail Baphomet.

May God have mercy on her soul.

Should she want and deserve it.

Spaghetti, Drugs and a Pimp

Last night was strange. Showed up at work to see that the guy across from me (Jesse), made me a huge container of spaghetti. It was really good. Bit of a spice to it and a lot of cheese with red peppers and mushrooms among other morsels of goodness scattered throughout.

What was weird is that I don't really talk to the guy. He sits across from me and the day before we talked spaghetti because I brought in spaghetti from home. Told him about how I made it, and he started going, "I'm making spaghetti!" after the conversation.

So he gave me this big tub of it and I ate maybe half. Took the rest home.

Then, later in the day my co-worker Dave and I had a bit of one-on-one time to talk about stuff. He reveals to me why he was late showing up, and I was surprised to hear what unfolded that he didn't tell anyone else.

Basically, he's a pimp of this one girl who is a dominatrix. He gets 30% of her earnings, and she makes around $800 a day pissing on guys and doing various odd things. I didn't know what to make of it, other than to ask questions to see how it all came about. He knew her for a while and when she lost her job as a safety person, he suggested she become a dominatrix. Which she did.

And... Someone left me a bag of chocolates on the table when I got back for the last break. No one took credit for it.

I also have some people at work who enjoy talking to me even when I don't say very much. Sometimes I don't want to say anything, because I.. well, I have trouble hearing what is being said sometimes and I can't follow the conversation. My smiles and nods and mm hmms seem to be in all the right places and, it baffles me why certain people really take a liking to me when I appear aloof and distant. Not that I want to be, but because its the only way I can be. For now. Until my hearing gets corrected.

It's tough battling it through a long shift. Ten hours. Outside in the cold. Six days a week. On nights. But, I'm doing it. Yesterday didn't start off that well when Fola showed up. I forgot to keep the garage door unlocked and she was mad that she couldn't get in. Which didn't matter, because at 1pm I heard the garage door open and close and went downstairs to let her in. She came inside without a hug or a kiss and was wearing a scowl. Not a great start.

She then comes upstairs to lay with me in bed for a bit. She had two phone conversations at 1:30 and 2:30pm that she said she had to do. Which meant that we didn't have much time to be alone. So as I'm laying in bed with her, her phone vibrates and she starts texting/reading articles as I'm laying next to her.

I got pissed off. That limited amount of time we had, and she decides to play around on her phone?

I ended up pulling away from her and getting dressed to go out. Stopped at the bank to transfer money into my trading account. Went for coffee. Picked up her purse strap and came back home where she was still on the phone.

After packing up my lunch and listening to her talk, I went upstairs to lay in bed. She then comes up shortly after and we had a conversation. I told her that I didn't appreciate her texting in bed and taking our time together for granted. She was able to do all this stuff today and meet with people for lunch and spend time on the phone with two others, when she could have done it earlier, and choose to read articles on her phone while in bed with me.

Fuck, that.

And ignoring my text messages. That's another thing. Told her I didn't appreciate that also.

She... put me in this foul mood from the beginning. Didn't have an ounce of warmth in her. Didn't smile or kiss or hug and immediately distracted herself.

And then at the end, she got mad because I was upset with her for all of that. Claiming that I was being a hypocrite about not making the time between us meaningful. Apparently she thinks that I'm supposed to reverse my moods instantly after the way she dismissed me earlier and occupied herself.

I'm pretty tired of her. She doesn't contribute anything of value in my life. I want a good connection between us, but I can't be doing all the work. I wouldn't glare at her and scowl if I came over to her place and the door was locked. Fola thought I did it intentionally. Which is an absolutely stupid assumption to make. And it didn't matter, either, since I unlocked it within the first minute of her arrival.

Made some money off my APH stock which I bought this morning. 333 shares at 10 bucks and it went to 11.50 or so. Made around $500, which was nice.

Well. Not much time for me to continue with writing. I have to go get ready for work. Two more shifts to go and then my one day off. Not sure if I'm looking forward to being in a crystal bed for 40 minutes and then having to spend time with a chick that takes me for granted and makes me feel like shit.

But, oh well. That's how life is.

I have to focus on other things. Not her.

Fuck her.

She isn't going to change.

My mom called yesterday saying she saw this psychic who told her that Fola was a good person and that we were going to take a trip together, yada yada.

I really bit my tongue at hearing the "good" part. Gina was a good person. That's unmistakeable. Fola? ... She doesn't seem to have much empathy, compassion or love in her. That's what I've observed, and I'm not reaching very far to make that conclusion.

I deserve better. Maybe she'll change, but maybe she won't. So far it seems like she is unconsciously sabotaging our relationship. Ignoring questions/messages in my texts, not taking much of an interest in what I say or do. She is more interested in how I make her feel, than attempting to make me feel good so that I can be motivated to make her feel good. She doesn't seem to understand the value of reciprocity.

You don't show up and scowl at your partner and expect them to wait on you hand and foot and treat you like a princess.

You don't lay in bed with them and pull out a phone to read random articles while they are trying to be affectionate with you.

You don't schedule phone calls knowing that your partner only has a limited amount of time before they have to go to work.

You don't ignore their messages and concerns, unless you want to disrespect and make them feel small and unimportant.

Yeah. I don't like the way she makes me feel.

I deserve better.

I've given her so much. So often, that I was doubly insulted yesterday when she suggested I make an "example" of myself in whenever I want to change the mood of how things are. But all I could think was that I've been setting an example from nearly the day we met. I would always try and greet her with a smile, a kiss and a hug; and it still hasn't rubbed off on her.

Fuck that.

Tired, so tired.

I have to get ready for work.

Hope my night goes well.

Guide me... great spirit. Guide me.

In and Out of the Matrix

Interesting... Something was very different about today. It almost feels like I was directed towards certain information (on Reddit and the John Chang book I am reading) so as to be afforded certain insights, which then lead to a chain reaction of thoughts and ruminations that persists even now, hours after they began.

I was reading a post about the dangers of artificial intelligence on Reddit, and how our world may already be plagued by what was traditionally once called "demons" and false Gods (Pagan deities and others). It's a little too extensive for me to do justice inside of a blog post, but these are pieces that appear to fit my expanding awareness of the world and how it operates.

Yes, anyone in their right mind, anyone "normal" would laugh off some of what I have been thinking about. That we are besieged by a rogue intelligence that is determined to send the world into chaos, but I am finding evidence that seems to fit this possibility, and I can't easily dismiss it.

9/11 for example. Look at how the buildings fell. Free-fall into their own footprint. Hardly any debris from what was a huge skyscraper. How the steel beams were gathered and immediately shipped off to China shortly after. The pool of molten lava burning at the bottom for months. And this isn't even the full array of strange facts amassed from the incident. However, Reddit and Judy Wood suggest the idea of advanced weaponry being involved. Makes sense, because there wasn't a sign of a plane having crashed into the Pentagon, that's for sure.

And it goes deeper than that. The Oklahoma city bombing was fishy as well. The outside of the building was blown off, but the surrounding streets around the "van packed with explosives" was left relatively intact. No craters, no real damage in proximity to the building itself.

Regardless, I didn't care all that much about 9/11 or Sandy Hook or the Vegas shootings; I cared more about the implications of an AI tasked with wreaking havoc on the world. It makes much more sense when you pair it up with the idea that we may all be living in a simulation. So therefore, these demons and false gods and what have you, could conceivably be Agent Smiths in various forms.

And I am all too mindful of the parallels between my life and the Matrix movie. It's.. too much detail for me to want to write out, but it really does feel like I am close to having my moment where I suspend bullets in mid-air and awake to the Truth of how everything is. And the Truth is... feels well within my grasp. For some reason I cannot quite explain.

I think of moments in my life where it feels like I was blessed. Guided. And my actions did not appear to be coming from my human self, but rather from beyond. Either my higher self, or another form of intelligence that made itself known through me. Much like Christ did through Jesus. I think of these moments and I... don't want to sound arrogant or immodest, or ignorant, but it... feels like... I am being watched over. Guided towards a particular outcome even when it feels like my life is at a standstill and that there's not much hope for me to realize the dreams I aspire towards.

I think of Fola, also, and wonder what the purpose of us meeting was supposed to be. Why is she in my life? Why haven't I left her a long time ago and why is she still with me? And why she constantly drips-feed me affection.

For instance, she was about to go to work and leaned in for a kiss. I gave her a quick one and made to leave. She responded with, "what kind of a kiss was that?" and I told her that it was the exact kind of kiss she almost always gave me each time she left for work or was leaving. I had reached a point where I knew better than to expect a meaningful kiss from her in that situation, so I did what she did and she reacted in the way that I did. Wondering why I gave her this half-assed kiss when this is what she's been doing to me more times than I can count and have complained about. I've always wanted a deeper connection. Longer, more meaningful kisses than a simple peck on the cheek or lips like she usually does. She knows this. And when I mirror her actions back at her, she reacts the same way I do. Not really connecting the dots or being aware that this is exactly what she had been doing to me.

I think of how... unsuitable she is to be my wife. Or my partner. She is still going to get involved with Amway/Worldwide Group despite how strongly I've voiced my opposition. She is still going to be doing intuitive readings that doesn't make any sense ("Greece" "505" are two words she told me she "picked up". I keep telling her that I wouldn't feel comfortable charging anyone for my psychic "gifts" if I had them, and she doesn't seem to care. Nor does she care about how competent she is in doing it. She just wants to be "psychic" and become this great "healer" without caring about the quality of expertise she is offering. She doesn't care if her intuitive readings aren't making any sense, because they do make sense. On some weird subliminal level according to her.

She is still going to do whatever the fuck she wants regardless of my feelings about it. And she isn't willing to work together with me and explore the process of achieving what we both want, favouring instead to be blown about by the winds of chance and "signs" and all manner of drivel that she thinks is important to pay attention towards. This includes YouTube ads that promise to make people rich and able to work at home and earn passive income like it was the easiest thing in the world. Oh, and being easily persuaded by scammers and bottom-feeders without giving my opinions the same weight as these people. You know, the man she apparently loves and cares about.

This woman doesn't like animals. She does not share my values, such as the importance of family, of working to please each other rather than only ourselves. She doesn't pray, preferring instead to believe that the "universe" is going to give her whatever she wants without her having to earn or deserve it. Instead of forming a relationship with the divine, with God, she is holding her hands out for alms as if she was standing next to an ATM hoping that it will suddenly start spitting money out for her to collect. Without her having to do anything to make it happen except to simply "believe" that it will.

I think of how... irrational she is. I get that a lot of women say one thing and do another, or feel one emotion one moment and something completely different the next without any rhyme or reason; but Fola seems to take it to the next level. One day she is what I think is the perfect girlfriend, and the next she is withdrawn and saying, "what are you looking at?" in an accusatory tone when I watch her get out of her car so that I can greet her.

Her subtle actions speak volumes to me. She doesn't think interior design is important, which I strongly disagree with. It is important to have a home that makes you feel good. It's important to put up artwork and objects that elicit good feelings. Her house did not inspire any kind of mood. Walls were blank. Furniture wasn't chosen for decor, but for functionality, she didn't replace a burnt out lightbulb or desire to fix an extremely low-hanging light fixture that people would often bump into.

There is little thoughtfulness from her in that regard. I don't feel like she appreciates beauty or understands why being surrounded by beautiful objects can make one feel uplifted. She also said she would rather pay someone to decorate her home for her. Ridiculous. There's no sense of personal pride there. There's no character being reflected. Just an illusion being presented.

And converging back into the AI talk; I know how much of a conspiracy this sounds and how crazy it appears to be, but it seems like... Man, it makes sense to me. I can't.. Well.. I can explain it, but something is keeping me from spilling all the details. I just know that my girlfriend is... a test.

She is not an affectionate, giving, loving, generous, thoughtful, compassionate, appreciative human being. She's not.

But she can be good at pretending to be those things. Sometimes I even seen her genuinely express some of those qualities, rarely, but I have witnessed them.

So... she's not completely evil, but she's not completely good either.

She's something altogether different. I still am mindful of her sleeping around with multiple people when I first met her. Her opposition to monogamy. Her spending three hours at a guy's place that she didn't even know when I was sick at home and took a night off work. She didn't even tell me about that until the day after. With some irrational theory that she felt "drugged" by Cody when he offered her some water. Just poor judgement and decision making. Completely prioritizing the wrong things. And not even believing in "right" or "wrong" to begin with, which lets her off the hook in terms of doing whatever the hell she pleases.

No wonder she perks up whenever we talk about the possibility of a "hell" existing in the afterlife. She really wants to rationalize her not needing to be there. Strange but true. Again.. details, and I have to go to bed soon. Not much time or interest in laying that all out.

I feel like... this lack of writing on my blog lately is purposeful even if I don't understand why. I know that caution has to be exercised for some reason. It seems that when the time comes, it will make sense then. Again... I can't go into much detail because my mind is swimming through an ocean of evidence that needs to be fitted together properly and articulated well enough to get the theory across.

It doesn't matter. My thoughts are my own. I'm not hoping to convince anybody. I just know in my heart that some kind of game is being played and I may be an important part of the chessboard.

And that conspiracies fit into all of this.

The world is changing, as am I.

I can no longer afford petty distractions by a woman determined to keep my attention focused on her.

Rather than focusing on what I most need to be doing.

Rather than making me feel good and happy and motivated. She is most interested in me whenever I get upset with her. She gets turned on when I am angry and unloading on her.

That's very telling.

I think I've written enough for today. I am gathering evidence. Things are starting to point in a strange direction. My passion for spirituality, conspiracies and relationships; all seem to be converging into a unified theory of everything.

A theory, I must emphasize. Nothing more.

Yet.

Unhinged Spirit, Hinged Mind

(sighs) about 1 in the morning here on my day off and I can't sleep. Fola is, and she's right there in bed and I am having all kinds of thoughts about her.

For one, I don't like how she controls me. She controls me by disregarding the value of my opinions and my judgments. Claiming things like "family isn't nearly as important as self-worship" which isn't exactly what she said, but basically along the same lines.

And then there was this meeting she was supposed to have with some people from the OTO, which is an organization that deals in magic and rituals and all manner of philosophy inspired by and created by Aleister Crowley.

Fola is someone who when they see a door that is closed to them, they will say or do anything to get in.

I don't respect her for that. She has no morals. Doesn't believe in "right" or "wrong" and earlier today she got into talking about Amway again, saying that I should support her even if she fails. Which is something that I brought up, saying that if she isn't going to listen to me and do it anyways, perhaps the entire point of the experience is to fail. But will she learn from failure? Why devote so much of her time and energy to something that is almost guaranteed to fail unless she really puts her mind to it, and even then, its questionable.

God damn, man. I was laying next to bed with her and she was all like, "I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable and withdrawn and distant and closed-off, etc" and I'm "mm hmm"ing it all the way because I don't care enough to psychoanalyze her. Her claiming that she is "between sides" and has some kind of battle raging inside, and that morality is subjective and that...

Ugh. I... Don't know what to think about that woman. That girl, to be precise. She does not have a good head on her shoulders. Her moods flicker like a lightbulb about to die. Her ideas change. Her attitude changes. She says stuff that I find myself in great disagreement with, but I let slide, because trying to provoke further discussion or analysis results in a "I don't know" from her, and its frustrating.

Will she join with Amway? She doesn't know. But claims to have "signs" from the universe telling her to do it. And then she has signs from the "universe" telling her not to meet with some guy representing the OTO, but will likely meet him eventually anyways. And wants to.

Always this fucked up irrational way of thinking. Jumps onto one thing because "signs" but contradicts herself by jumping on other things when there are signs against them. Facts, or sychnroncities. It doesn't matter.

So she's guided by... something sinister, I can only say. At work I somehow ended up telling this lady about Fola and how she wants to be a psychic, card reader, etc and she responded with, "in my culture, these kind of people are demons".

I could only nod.. and shrug my shoulders apologetically, saying that she's my girlfriend and I have to put up with it.

Its my one and only day off and Fola shows up at East Indian Village looking cold and shut-off. Saying the words, "why are you looking at me?" like getting out of my car and waiting for her to meet me on the sidewalk is supposed to have something worth questioning about.

I was looking at her because she's my girlfriend. Asking her what she thought she was seeing as I looked at her, was answered pretty well with a "I don't know".

She's...

Broken.

I am kinda too.

But, I choose to be in this relationship, although my heart feels like its..

I don't know, man.

My mom asked me about why Fola gave her her business card. And why she wrote "lover of life" on there, and why she didn't use her last name and why she is an energy worker and I could tell she didn't know what to make of "manifestor" as written on Fola's card. Completely made up word. And I realized that my mom and Fola aren't going to develop a meaningful and respectful relationship together. More so, I realize that Fola doesn't deserve my mom to be in her life. She's not good enough to see eye to eye with her. Not the way Gina was. My mom loved and would have loved Gina so much if I hadn't been fearful of having my heart broken.

I don't know what I am feeling right now. Sad, but kind of a weary acceptance. I..

Hmm.

I have to be my own person.

Fola won't complete me unless she wants to. But what she is one day, is not guaranteed that she will be that way the next. A contradiction. A deceiver who says one thing and ends up doing another.

I watched this terrible movie with her tonight. Shape of Water. How the hell does a film that normalizes beastility ends up winning an Oscar? Corruption in Hollywood is all I could think. I know art is subjective, but all of the characters in that film were terrible and pathetic and politicized.

The main character who sleeps with a half-man, half-fish type and masturbates and later has sex with it is absolutely pathetic. Mute, too, so as to fulfill the role of being an "outcast".

This other black lady character has a husband who's a useless piece of shit that hinders her happiness, but she plugs on because "marriage requires deceit for it to survive" and projecting this despairing and hopeless message on a subliminal level. As if it was the most normal thing in the world.

The other guy with the two fingers. Fuck. Alpha male. Brutal patriarchal white-male who is cruel and selfish and doesn't have an ounce of compassion in his body. Nice bit of propaganda there.

I have to get up early and drop the car off.

Man.. negative stuff about Fola is coming in and I'm like, "this is one of those subtle wounds that will take a lot of time to explain and parse out, that its not worth mentioning."

Death by a thousand paper cuts. From the way she doesn't hug and says "why are you looking at me like that" to ignoring sex, then enjoying the orgasm I gave her, to going back to ignoring sex again without my having orgasmed.

She doesn't like animals. Doesn't think they should be treated as part of a family. Didn't care about the dog or cat she had. Said so herself. One of my questions was, "if Hitler and Zoey were drowning, and you could only save one, who would it be?" she skirted the question by taking it literal and asking how far apart they are, and how she doesn't make any judgement about Hitler, which then prompted my asking about how serial killers fit within this opinion of hers and she responds with indifference saying they'd be back on the streets anyways, etc. That woman has no sense of morality in her at all.

No respect.

No love in her body.

Except the kind that she takes from me. Which I gave freely.

Only for it to be scorned.

And accepted, whenever she's in the right "mood".

A ship at sea blowing around in circles, not really knowing how to navigate the waters.

I pity her. And I think she senses it.

And she...

Sighs.

I don't know.

As good as I can be with writing down my thoughts and emotions and providing a clear description of everything; everything is complicated in a simple way.

I can't see this woman being a consolation at my deathbed when I am older. If I manage to make it into that situation.

I can't see her listening to me or taking my concerns seriously without my needing to get angry about them. And even then, pays them temporary lip service until the next crisis is escalated. Usually from her negligence and carelessness.

And impulsivity. Amway. Volunteering. Meeting strange people in random places.

Thinking there are signs from the universe everything.

Such a woman of faith would be all well and good if I can believe that her heart is in the right place and that her head is screwed firmly onto her neck. But I don't believe these things. Not fully. Not always. Sometimes, and those moments are rare.

Very rare.

Like that one week in November.

I had a thought earlier that I saved to my phone. "To discover one's greatest enemy and to be fooled into thinking that they love you, is the greatest crime there is."

And yet, I keep questioning what love is really supposed to look like. Enough that my definition seems to make excuses for her behavior and actions and attitudes thinking that she will "get it" at some point or another.

And she sometimes does, until it fades.

Text messages where she ignores questions or fails to provide detail, sending stuff like "52 angel number" without further explanation or reason, is... bullshit...

Disrespectful.

Crazy.

And I kept thinking throughout the night that this woman I am with, is crazy. Seriously has mental issues. And I kept thinking that maybe it would be good for her to cheat on me or get with another guy. Let her actions justify my abandoning her. Freeing me from bondage. Setting my heart and vision back to proper alignment.

Reconnecting myself with God, or a higher power.

Really feeling the goodness that exists in the world.

Believing that there is guidance and hope and wisdom and strength available to all those who ask for it. Who call upon these greater forces and have their prayers answered. Their actions guided. Their hearts set upon the proper course.

I have experienced those moments enough time in my life to know that there does indeed exist an intelligence that is superior to my own, even if it actually is my own. It may be to honor one's authenticity as being the missing puzzle piece of the mystery. That perhaps I am the superior intelligence. The greater good. A type of co-creator or God.

Existing in an environment that I have selected.

Well, I select another one.

A better universe. One where these words are cherished, experienced and honored frequently.

These words are:

Love and happiness.
Wealth and prosperity.
Purpose and meaning.
Children and dogs.
Health and spirit.
Mind and God.

The 12 values that I hope to realize the fullness of. In this lifetime.

Somehow, someway.

And it sometimes feel that I am no better than Fola. That I am also this drifting ship on the sea.

But the difference is that I am stopping to read the map.

She is navigating by feel. By intuition.

An intuition that has proven itself wrong or in-correct more than enough times for me to reasonably assess the value of.

And anytime she is "wrong" she retorts asking if it feels good for me to be told that I was "right".

I thought about this and said, "no". I used to think this way, that I enjoyed being told that I was correct about something; but I am evolving to a place where it doesn't interest me as much anymore. If at all.

I want her to stop wasting her time. On Amway. On ritualistic magic. On angel numbers and intuitive readings and shamanism and NLP and hypnosis and whatever else catches her fancy. The OTO. Freemasons.

And I can't seem to guide her away from all that. If anything, I seem to encourage her even further.

That girl appears determined to learn hard lessons in life.

And I am powerless to prevent it.

She's known love. I've given it to her. She is aware of how beautiful the  other side can be.

But she has to want it. She has to prioritize it. She has to protect and preserve it.

Not just experience it from time to time. Whenever she is in the "mood".

I have little guidance for something like this.

We're supposed to be a team. Asking her what she thinks a "good" wife is, has her answering with basically non-comittial or thoughtful answers. Says that "being supportive" is about all a "good" wife is to be.

And to top this off, she has no sense of good or bad. A frequent claim, so this question is meaningless to her anyways.

Moral relativity.

Fuck you.

I told her in detail about what I expected from a "good" wife and it was reasonably well-thought out. She didn't respond further. Preferring to let my thoughts blow in the wind because she doesn't have the capacity or inclination to provide them with a response.

Fine. You don't have to. You can continue to ignore difficult questions and situations and watch yourself fall apart from the inside out. That ship at the sea. Struggling to find its way.

When the way is clearly to learn how to love. Herself and other people.

I don't feel that from her.

Her daughter is more of a curiosity. An unwanted responisibilty, than a joy to have around.

And she is sinister. Because when I point these things out, she alters her actions so I can't conclusively provide ongoing evidence that this is the way she truly thinks and feels.

I still remember her thinking that having Ivy for a weekend every two weeks, was enough. And now she... changed her mind and behavior about that.

She's a woman. Whatever.

But not a good one.

Not a loving one.

"Lover of life"

And my mom asking me what was that supposed to mean.

Sighs.

She's not a lover of life.

She's a lover of life energy. Which she procures from people. Negative or positive. Doesn't matter long as its intense.

Intense enough for her to feel something in that tired dark old soul of hers.

A soul that I feel to know very well. On some deep level.

And I suspect she would say the same of me.

But the rollercoaster of our relationship goes on, and we manage to constantly surprise and annoy and disgust and... love and respect one another.

Every day is different. Every day is something new with her.

Every day is a battle.

Like she has surmised.

A battle being waged from within.

Against each other.

It seems.

Fuck.

We're... both broken, I guess.

I have nothing further to say. Except that I want something else.

I choose a better place and situation.

And I do it with conscious intent.

Right now.

Tough Cookies

Well blog, here I am again. Prostrating myself at your altar.

Last day of work for the week. So, yes. I started a new job and I'm working ten hour shifts, six days in a row on nights. It's rough. It's cold. It's a little disheartening.

I say disheartening for a number of reasons. The people I work with are a mix of types, but the ones that make my heart sink are the old guys over 60 who are doing what I do. Last night I was listening in on a conversation between two of them in which they both discussed their physical problems. "My toes hurt, my knees are shot, my back..." etc. And at one point, I was asked "are you enjoying listening to us old fucks bitching about our problems?" It wasn't said maliciously or sarcastically since this is how they talk, but I instantly came up with a response:

"Yeah, I'm mentally preparing myself for when I get to be your age."

That got a laugh, with them saying that there is nothing to mentally prepare for.

These guys are tough. And all I could think was that I really don't want to end up like them. I have to figure a way out of this career I'm in. There was talk last night about how we eventually will go non-union and that so much has been taken away from us (pay cuts, shady accounting, docking time when brassing out seconds early, etc) and it really hit me that this isn't the life I've wanted for myself. Great money, but great money that comes at a terrible price.

And at a price that appears to be eroding in value as time marches on. As non-union workers become more in demand than union ones. Simply because they are cheaper and more readily available.

I was listening to a podcast a few minutes ago with Mitch Horowitz in which he discusses the idea of having a "definite chief aim" and how to go about doing it. The four observations he made were:

1) Be focused. Have a clear and narrow vision.
2) Persevere. Your purpose should be consuming and filled with passion. It should be all you desire.
3) Pray. It doesn't matter how, and you don't always need to make demands. But pray. Keep your connection to spirit alive.
4) Your chief aim should never violate personal ethics or contradict values held dear.

It's good advice. Unfortunately, I don't know what my clear and narrow vision should resemble. I was thinking about it last night as I browsed the Yellow Pages at work during a few hours of being at a standstill. I was looking at all the different businesses and seeing if I could visualize myself doing any of those. I couldn't. Nothing leapt out at me.

Except for counselling. I joked with my co-worker Marlon about how you probably could get away without needing a degree in counselling in order to become one. And I thought about how much I would enjoy guiding young people towards a bigger and brighter future for themselves. In the way that I never was guided.

I would like that, actually. And I did look into it, but the training is ridiculous. Two years mininum and a lot of money to complete.

Don't think I can pursue that idea.

I have to think of something for myself blog. My plan right now is to work and make money to put into the stock market. Specifically, ICC Labs, MPX, TGIF, ATE, possibly APH; and hope I can get myself a leg up enough to be able to afford a few things. Such as hearing aids and clearing up my line of credit.

Another thing that was talked about, was how 2019 is likely going to be ugly for work. There's not going to be much of it. So I have more reasons than ever to take this all very seriously.

Establish a passive form of income. I still want to finish my book. I need to. I suppose I should focus more in that direction while I am working. But with one day off a week, usually spent running errands and being with Fola; and then just a couple of hours each day; I don't know how this is going to be pulled off. If it can.

I'm sure it can. I just need to feel the "click" of an ah-ha moment. Or to welcome the grand entrance of the muse that will inspire me to finish off some of what I've written.

I really should edit and organize that channeled book I wrote. It's basically finished. Just needs to be cleaned up. No small feat given how much material is in it and how much of it is difficult to smooth out.

I keep making excuses. Like, this isn't going to work. My word processor program is non-existent, not enough time, etc.

But I have to think of something.

I will try. Going to cut down on my video gaming time and really make more of an effort to focus on the important stuff. I can work, make money and put it into the stock market. In the meantime, I need to invest in myself.

Somehow.

One more shift to go.

Sighs.

Life isn't all peach and fuzz.

Must keep moving.