Good Friday

Strange day that Good Friday I tell you.

There was an energy in the air. Fola had the idea early on in the day for her, Sade and Ivy to visit an acreage outside of town to drop off some sweat lodge blankets she had to clean (for her Shaman group).

She started off by texting me that she wants to get me more involved with her and her family. That she sees me as being a good dad, and that she is working on trusting me more.

I.. Didn't quite know what to say to that. We came from having a rather odd trip together in Canmore a few days earlier, and it didn't work out all that well given that I was upset at her for various reasons.

I keep thinking that this woman doesn't love me, and I seem to keep getting told that she does and today seemed like I could almost believe it.

First off, we were supposed to take my car but it was belching out these fumes from the vents so the inside smelled like coolant or something burning. Ended up having to bow out from that and take Sade's car instead.

Getting there, we arrived at the place and... man, it was beautiful. Two dogs welcomed us. A small one-eyed Pug and a giant Saint Bernard, both of whom were quite friendly and a treat to pet.

Not only were there two awesome dogs on the premises, but there were horses, chickens, a rabbit and... wait for it... Llamas, all of which we could go up towards and interact with,

The Llamas were fascinating to me. They were extremely curious and came right up to investigate us, staring into our eyes. I let out a tentative hand from which a couple of them came up to sniff.

And it seemed that they were nervous and gentle creatures. I liked them. If I had an acreage, I would seriously consider getting a pair.

The lady we met inside was extremely nice as well. There was this quiet shine about her, this comforting presence and...

It was such a nice experience.

I'm not sure what else to add here, other than that we went for Vietnamese food and Ivy hurt her head on the table, causing her to cry for a few minutes. But that passed quickly enough.

At home, we played around a bit with Ivy and Fola/Sade and I all watched Dazed & Confused which none of them have seen before.

Hmm. Fola and I sat on the couch together, stared into each other's eyes every so often and touched. It felt good.

And... I still can't help but think there was this odd energy in the air. Fola seemed to pick up on it and explained it as being "Good Friday" as the culprit, but I'm not so sure. Perhaps that is the case, but there's more to it than just a label.

There are reasons. None that I can quite understand or intellectualize at the moment, but reasons nonetheless.

Hmm... I'm sorry I haven't written much on you lately my blog. I don't know what that is. My motivation to write has certainly waned over the past long while and I don't think that is a good thing, but it seems to be a necessary thing at the moment. Again, I don't know why.

Perhaps there are more important things for me to focus on. Or maybe I am on the wrong track, but it doesn't quite feel that way either.

There is a God. There is a rhyme and reason for everything. There is goodness in this world. There is light. And there is darkness and all manner of those who succumb to it.

I keep thinking that in order for me to be spiritual and connected to God, I don't know if I can have it alongside my desire to own an acreage and to have money enough to realize financial freedom with. It seems like being materialistic and spiritual doesn't quite mesh well together, but perhaps I can make it work. I don't know how, but I'm sure there is a way.

It's been a beautiful day, and I don't feel like my ego needs to be stoked by any kind of witty observation or humor, which is why this post is somewhat dry and uninteresting. Again, I don't know why it has turned out like this, but it feels like a step in my personal evolution.

There are things that I am in battle against, and it feels like... I don't know if it feels like I'm winning, but it feels like its happening in the way it needs to. I like who I am, but I have to admit that the relationship I'm having with Fola is not at all what my heart wants from a girlfriend. But that might be the lesson I am in the process of learning. To shed off this preconceived notions in my head, of a woman reaching for my arm or my hand and being a woman rather than channeling her masculine side; it might mean that my acceptance of this could result in exactly the kind of relationship I would want. I don't know. The journey is still ongoing.

So... Thanks for everything God. It feels like you, the Creator, has taken something of an interest in me. I can't explain why, but I feel it. I feel like there is something or someone nearby that has concern for my well-being and happiness.

I don't know why.

But I am grateful regardless.

Well blog.

Till next time.

The Loops of Imagination

So blog, seems like I have a bit more than Fola to be talking about with this post.

Couple of days ago I was driving in the city when I decided to roll down my window. There were puddles on the road, but nothing on the stretch I was on.

As the window went down, a red truck drove by and splashed water across my windshield. Some of it went inside and hit me on the cheek. I was like, "wtf" and looked over to the vehicle on my left to see who it was.

The guy inside was smiling. Not at me, but looking ahead and oblivious to the splash he caused.

What's interesting about all that, was the license plate as I drove by.

YHWH2

YHWH2 = God as well, is how I interpreted it.

I was somewhat delighted and amused when that happened. Earlier, I had been thinking about the theory that we all exist in a simulated reality. That perhaps this is all VR and we are controlling our avatars at a distance. It seems so plausible to me. I feel like in the years I've been exposed to ST, its arguments for and against, pieces seem to be falling into my lap suggesting that it is more of a certainty than it is not.

Prior to being splashed, I had come across videos/a Reddit thread of the Mandela effect, which is the idea that reality changes, including the past and not everything is accounted for or exactly the way it once was.

There were pieces of "evidence" in the Mandela thread that I found interesting, even if I didn't know quite what to make of it. Such as the Ford logo having a "curl" for almost a hundred years, and yet, there has been instances when there is no curl in the logo. Could be a simple explanation, or it could be a shift in reality. Who the hell knows.

What I do know, is that something was sparked inside of me as I was reviewing these claims. I had the urge to write "New Universe" on my chalkboard and felt that I had the ability to bring forth a new universe into existence. Sounds a little silly, but as I study this stuff further, I feel that I am inching closer to the "truth".

For instance, I feel that simulation theory goes a long ways in explaining much of the weird stuff I've been fascinated with over the years. Philosophy, psychology, metaphysics and other odds and ends all seem to fit in with the idea that this world is not really "real" and that it is, in fact, an illusion as Buddhism and Hinduism claim it to be.

Bits of evidence such as "My kingdom is not of this world" as said by Christ, seems to prop up this theory. Sure, it can mean the divine "realm" or "heaven" in that particular context, but it could mean that those "realms" or "heavens" are more real than reality itself.

Yes, I am aware that I am typing on a keyboard and that each of my fingers feel the solid push of the buttons, but quantum physics prove that most everything is literally emptiness. Perception has a subjective aspect to it. I see a branch where others see a tree. Successful people see obstacles as challenges. Where one sees an unfortunate event take place, there are many different ways of looking at the same thing. Subjectivity and objectivity appears to be relative to perception and experience, etc.

There was a code found in 2012 that points to a search-engine algorithm as being a part of the cosmos. Kind of strange, but could be coincidental. That's the thing. When too many coincidences add up, perhaps it indicates that something needs to change about the way we see and interpret such phenomena,

We live in a mathematical universe. There are laws that have to be obeyed, and interestingly, not all of them have been discovered, but much of it has. I've been looking at a few other things that remind me of other material I've studied, such as the electric universe and the blinking universe, where apparently the universe winks itself out of existence and rebuilds itself once every 11 trillionith of a second, or something like that.

I have all these bits and pieces inside of me that seem to conveniently fit within the simulation theory model. For example, knowing that the thought to move an arm, can sometimes arrive after the arm is actually moved. Unusual because it begs the question as to where is this directive coming from, if not from our own bodies. They've measured this. It's valid to wonder about.

Then there is the placebo effect, where our own minds can affect healing. In WWII, a nurse ran out of morphine to give to soldiers and instead injected them with a saline-solution. These soldiers reported relief. Strange, huh? A non-medicinal substance was made medicinal.

That points to the idea that reality is more subjective than we give it credit for. If we can affect healing through belief, than theoretically, it could also mean that we can affect disorder/disease through belief as well.

If we have that type of power over our own health, it certainly means that there is an autonomy that exists within us independent of the environment. Which is very interesting, since it suggests that we aren't fully constrained by certain "laws", one of which is that medication/therapy isn't as efficacious as we may think them to be. Unless we allow it.

Because not all medication affects individuals consistently or has the desired effect, it makes me wonder. Biologically, a substance should have a repeatable effect whenever it is administered, but not everyone reacts the exact same way.

I am reminded of the first time I did shrooms with Fola. I didn't feel anything. But when I did it on my own, I certainly did. Same dose as well. Same shrooms. Assuming they all have the psychoactive effect more or less evenly distributed across each mushroom, its curious why I didn't feel anything the first time.

Anyways... that's the medical side. There are other strange things to ponder. Synchronicity. Coincidences. Deva-Ju. Ghosts. Aliens. I can bend them to match a simulation hypothesis.

Aliens? They're the engineers/maintainers of the simulation. Ghosts? They're bugs in the programming that haven't been fully accounted for.

Synchronicity? I'm still trying to grasp that one. I am mindful of the type I wrote a blog post wondering if "someone is watching" (over me) and then a day or two later I come across a bench with a note posted on it saying, "someone is watching you." which answered my question.

Guardian angels? Spirit guides? Higher self? ... Hmm. I haven't fully figured out those yet either. I feel like I'm close to understanding how everything fits together, but its being realized on an intuitive level. Rather than an intellectually-arrested one.

I imagine that there exists several layers of realities. Several dimensions. Like an optical disc with layers of data occupying the same space. They're just on a different frequencies than ours. Perhaps, also, we can interact between them. Think of drugs, also, that help enable one to access these "higher" realms.

The multiverse. Parallel universes. Theoretically, I am thinking that each time we wake, we wake up to a different universe. A universe where I am rich and successful, DOES exist out there, and perhaps when I keep my focus on that possibility playing itself out, I begin to create this exact universe the more I focus upon it.

Or perhaps, I am simply displacing the self I am now, in favor of the self that has already realized these things. Existing elsewhere.

I know that I am not making a convincing argument with any of all this. I'm just throwing ideas around and rambling. Trying to make some sense.

On an intuitive level, I feel that... we kind of our the Gods of our own making. I believe there does exist a "programmer" out there, who helped bring about all this. A creator. A God. Some being or intelligence that does actually want each of us to realize our Godly powers of creation, within an environment that allows us to express it.

NLP. Law of Attraction.

"What you think, you become." -Buddha

It feels like my hand is inside of a bag of which I can't see the contents of. I'm fishing around in there and recognizing the objects, but I'm also not entirely sure what they are. Not unless I remove them to examine and see, which I am not allowed to do.

It's like I "know" what I'm touching are wet strands of spaghetti, but until I pull them out from the bag, I can't be sure.

A simulation.

Hmm.

Knowing this should mean that there is a practical way of hacking it all. And so much self-help stuff all teach various techniques and ways of achieving just that.

There is overlap as well. Certain words and ideas really mean the same thing. Just with different terminology applied.

I wrote an article on Medium a few days ago about channeling. I compared it to creativity. To imagination. And perhaps, that may be all that it is. We embody certain patterns and "spirits" and create another type of "illusion" that we allow ourselves to express out into the world. Sometimes, we completely change our behavior and our actions reflect it. Bringing about the desired changes.

Neuroplasticity. Another weird thing. The brain is so malleable. Autopsies where it was found that certain individuals did not even have a brain at the point of death, and they were functioning well enough until then.

Consciousness. Awareness. The double-slit. The observation effect on changing from a particle to a wave.

All these things are adding up.

And I'm trying to put the pieces together.

If this really is a simulation, an aliens are engineers/maintainers of the illusion; then why have they allowed for the pyramids to exist? They are so improbable. We cannot replicate the great pyramid of Giza with modern-day equipment. How did our ancestors manage it?

Why and who was allowed to make one?

Were there truly giants back in the day? The Nephilim?

I realize how much of a crackpot I am sounding like, but there is something there. Something important that I do not fully understand.

Water crystals and rice that changes according to observation and intention.

Clearly our minds... our intentions and consciousness are more powerful than we give them credit for. They shape reality. They make things happen.

Why did someone leave a note that "someone is watching" in a place where I could find it, and in the period when I asked that question?

Did I create that? Or was I drawn towards it?

Is time really linear? Probably not. It feels almost like everything has been played out, and that the future can affect the present. What guided me to that note? What prompted an individual to write those words down and attach it to the bench?

Everything is connected.

Is there a super-consciousness? Akashic records? How is it that people learn things from other people, even if a continent divides them? Why are there pyramids all over the world? In the most unlikely of places?

Did we build them? Or did something else?

Do we really choose the experiences we wish to have? If I want to be rich and wealthy and living in an acreage with a dog, can I really use only my mind to make it happen? I don't have the educational qualifications to get a really high paying job. I don't know if I will win the lottery. I am not sure how it could come about for me to be a multi-millionaire.

But it is possible. It probably already has happened. Somewhere.

We live in a spiritual democracy. We vote for certain things and ways of being. Unconsciously, and these things manifest themselves it seems.

As above, so below.

But are we a collective, or do we each have our own worlds to become the master of?

Are we each Gods, or can there only be one God at a time?

Am I inside of a single-player video game?

Or is this an MMO?

If reality can be affected by the individual, if things shuffle themselves around to match the individuals wants and needs and desires; then it points to a single-player experience. We are our own Gods.

However, if this is a collective that allows for great personal liberty and creation; then we must cooperate. We must work together to become what we most desire.

This makes more sense to me, thinking that reality will only bend itself to my whims as long as I contribute something of value to it.

Even thinking, has value.

And sharing my thoughts.

Speaking my truth.

What is the end game, though? Mastery?

Perhaps we each come here with a specific purpose in mind.

Sometimes shitty things have to happen in order for us to elevate our consciousness to another level, so that we can allow for better things. So we can "learn" more about who we actually are.

Gods.

Creators.

Co-creators, obviously.

I think.

Life is strange, my blog.

Going to continue to puzzle this one out.

A Comfortable Insanity

What a fucking weird life I live. Maybe I should be more specific and say, what a weird girlfriend I have.

Weird, and insane. I'm 100% confident in making that assessment. Which is doubly hilarious (tragically) with the fact that she is a psychiatric nurse who is interested in becoming a "healer" using means such as Reiki, NLP and psychedelics.

Yesterday we had another fight. Surprise! But before I get into that, I should probably cover the period that occurred after she accused me of chatting with a girl on Friday.

Hm. Can't remember if I blogged about Saturday. I think I did, so I will skip over how that all went. Basically, I was proud of myself for not letting the distaste and anger of being accused of cheating impact the evening we were having. Well, at least until we left the venue and I shut myself off emotionally towards her.

So, Sunday.. Hm. She came over, amazing sex as usual. Had a bath. Fantastic day.

Monday she didn't come in the evening. Texting went well.

Now, Tuesday. Yesterday.

So, to preface all of this, I want to ensure that I make the point that Fola still has not "made up" or apologized in any sincere way since that incident on Friday night. I decided to let all that slide. As usual, because I already voiced my concerns about how I felt that if I was the one who accused her and demanded to unlock her phone; she likely would refuse and then possibly ask for a breakup. She would not have taken the approach I did, where I allowed her to see what was on there.

I feel that there are ... Well, its obvious that there are some serious problems with our relationship. So, with everything above said, lets move onto what the latest argument was about.

Yesterday, she took the day off work and I decided to tag along with her to her appointment with a psychologist. She's seeing this lady specifically for her work "trauma" of being sorta/kinda punched in the shoulder, and Fola admitted that she didn't need more than a session or two. So this was session #3 she has gone to, and I spent an hour waiting in the lobby for her to finish.

It didn't start off well, prior to our arrival. We were there an hour early, and I felt that we didn't need to be. We decided to walk around the area to see what was there (not much) and I made the comment to ask Fola to slow down a little bit because we had an hour to kill, and there was no reason for her to be walking briskly down the street. She got upset. "Oh, that really bugs me when someone tells me to slow down!"

I rolled my eyes. An hour to kill and you want to blast through the one store that was nearby we could check out? That's not effective time management in my mind. Sure, we can check it out in two minutes and be back where we started. Having 58 minutes left to kill.

Why not slow down and smell the roses a bit?

Anyways, back to the lobby. She finishes her appointment and we walk out. Her daughter Ivy calls and Fola then Facetimes with her for twenty minutes while I had a cigarette outside.

In the car, I asked her how the appointment went.

"Good." she says. Adding nothing further.

Now, this is her canned response to every question I ask about how anything went or is going. "How are you? How was the show? How was dinner? How was the movie? How is life? How is so and so?" 98.99% of the time, Fola will respond with "good" and little else.

So she said "good" again, and I felt that twinge inside of me. I spent an hour waiting for her and though I don't care to hear all the details of what they talked about, I was hoping for something more than just a "good".

A little summary would have been helpful. "We talked about my career. My life choices, etc. She was nice. (insert anecdote here/etc.)" something like that would've been better heard than "good", which is what I am so tired of hearing because there isn't anything being said or revealed.

Another thing that I didn't like is that there is obviously a trust issue between us. I feel it is a recurring theme in our relationship from early on up until now. As Friday had proven even further "I don't trust you!" I see this lack of trust bleeding into any question or subject that demands an amount of vulnerability being expressed by her. Anything personal or revealing about her character is often suppressed, avoided, dismissed, glossed over or kept to the barest minimum.

It bothers me because I feel that in the 14 months we've been together, we should be at a level where we can be comfortable talking with each other about anything. Including a psychologist appointment. If not the specifics, than the general gist of it. Instead, when I brought this up to her, she replies with "I don't NEED to tell you anything" which then made me say, "yes. You don't need to tell me anything. You don't need to tell me about your day. Your job. Your friends or family. You don't need to tell me anything. I get that."

I then remind her again about how I want my partner to be able to open up with me about anything "personal". And that I could do the same to her. No secrets. No walls. I'm not after being 100% an open-book, but I certainly expect much more than what I have been getting.

Trust. I keep telling Fola that she needs to trust me, and I keep wondering about what it is that I may have done to have prevented or hindered this from happening. Or why she is feeling this way, which she freely admits towards. Not just to me, but others as well.

I keep thinking that in order to gain trust, you have to earn it. You have to demonstrate being worthy of it. She thinks otherwise, and that trust should be automatically given. This is where our arguments are often rooted in. She expects me to be free and open and trusting, but her conception of what trust involves (vulnerability) is not in congruence with what she believes in. It has to go both ways. I was making the point that trust (to me) is situational, not general. For instance, I would not trust her with my life, but I could trust her to get groceries. I would not trust her to be lending money towards, but I can trust her with...

Here is the sad part, I can't trust her with much of anything. I can't trust that she will stay committed to me because she often doesn't indicate her willingness to commit. Occasionally I will get a crumb tossed my way, where she will say "our house", but I won't get a "you're the only man for me, why would I want anyone else?" kind of declaration.

Can't trust her to water my plants like she said she would. While I was gone. She skipped a visit. Although she told me that if I got more plants, she would be willing to take care of them. I thought I could take her at her word. Clearly, I cannot. This applies to so many other things. Including the trip to Cuba we were supposed to take weeks ago.

I'm tired, blog. But as the title says, this is a comfortable type of insanity... almost. Because although I am unhappy with her dedication to making our relationship loving and harmonious and reciprocal; I recognize that she is actually making me into a better man. Sounds contradictory, but I have been noticing that I've engaged less and less with her on a level of anger and disbelief and fear. I am soon at the point where I truly don't care what she does or says anymore. She'll say one thing one week, and say something different the next. Her moods will change and swing and her opinions and beliefs will do the same. Nothing wrong with that, except for the frequency and the fact that she is so stubborn and inflexible until she is proven wrong to have those beliefs. And even then, there is no guarantee she will examine herself and try to change anything about these false ideas.

Well... I really don't know what else to write here. It's ridiculous how much I have been talking about her already on my blog. 14 months with her. And... although I am not even covering or explaining every little issue I am having, or we are having, I don't feel the need to. I realize that I am dealing with someone irrational, who says that there is no such thing as "right or wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" even if she makes these things happen, in a wrong way.

She has issues, and so do I, I suppose, but I feel like I am really doing my best to make this work. And for that, I cannot apologize for the way I've conducted myself. Was I right to be angry at her for falsely accusing me of cheating/talking to another girl and then demanding to look at my phone? Yes! Anyone would be right to be angry.

But, I am on this ride until the wheels fall off. She can break up with me and go her own way. Unless or until I find someone who shares my values and goals (by accident or chance); I'm staying. I will honor this relationship and this opportunity and I am grateful to her for all the good and the bad of what we've shared. She is helping me to become a better person, but in a very unorthodox and painful way. I suspect that I am doing the same for her.

And I am determined to exit this all with my head held high. Unless something particularly serious happens.

This way, I can honestly tell myself that I have done my best. That I truly could not have done anything more than what I already did. That there was no stone left unturned. I may not have done everything perfectly, but I have tried in the most perfect way possible.

I have tried. The failure isn't an indication of success. It is the trying that is successful.

And I can live with that.

I had a strange dream last night about her too. A beautiful young blond girl with strange eyes was involved. She offered for me to "fuck her in the ass" and she promised she wouldn't tell (Fola).

I was proud of my dream self for responding, "I can't do that. I won't cheat on her."

And this morning before she left for work, it was like last night never happened.

Sighs.

Fuck, man.

Trial by fire.

And I am calmly walking on the coals.

The Morning After

Last night, Five Alarm Funk.

Since My last 39,921,391 blog posts are about Fola, don't be surprised that this one is as well.

The day started off with restraint. She texted me in the morning, and I ignored both. Some text about wanting us to work things out and a "I love you" which while sounds great on paper and in theory, left a lot to be desired knowing how much empty rhetoric she liberally uses.

What does it mean to "work things out" with someone who threatened to end our relationship if I didn't unlock my phone for her to look at? How do you "work" that out? Okay, so she doesn't trust me she says, but why? Was it me? I've never cheated on her. Even when we broke up and I went out on dates, I still didn't kiss a girl.

Oh, wait. There was this other time we broke up and I did sleep with Andee. I guess that's not completely accurate. But we were broken up. What does it matter.

I am still a man that desires commitment. A rare breed I suppose. Well, at least stereotypically it kind of is presented that men have a hard time committing to a woman for life. Or being straight up monogamous and not looking sideways at all the options available to them.

So, I ignored her texts until later when I told her I was going to be there to pick her up at 830 like I promised. I was still unhappy about her. I was unimpressed by her attempt at reconcillation. She asked me what she could do to make me happy and I replied with, "you've known me for over a year now. I'm sure you can think of something."

And that is true. Why should I have to tell her, again, that I like seeing her make an effort? To put on lingerie and makeup and make me the center of attention once in a while? To bake me scones or bake me anything, or... Whatever, man. To just explain that she is sorry and to at least go into further detail with it so that we both understand where the fear is coming from and do our best not to come across a situation like that again where I am unfairly accused of "talking" with another girl.

She doesn't seem to get it. Logic eludes her. I was telling her in the car on the way over there that if she knows that I love her, then why the hell would I want anybody else? Yet she was still in this frenzy of "I trust my intuition!!" those two nights ago which prompted her to make these false accusations.

She really doesn't want to admit that her intuition steered her wrong. No surprise given that she is hoping to work as an "intuitive" that can magically diagnosis problems in people without having to logically give reasons for as to how the answers are arrived at.

That is dangerous thinking, in my opinion. To want to lazily diagnose the traumas and illnesses of people who are sick and in need and then not be held accountable, because intuition, etc. Or to not have to back up whatever her diagnosis is with anything that resembles a fact. Just a feeling.

So, it was dark between us as we went there. I told her that she needs to use common sense and employ reason once in awhile. To trust me, knowing that I love her and wouldn't want to hurt her. That is not a big leap to make. She knows that I love her. But I suppose she knows that I can hurt her too. That is the risk of trust. To knowingly allow yourself to become vulnerable because you believe the other person desires the best outcome for you.

And I do. I really do. But she doesn't think so, on some deep level that she can't explain. I really don't have much in the way of anything I can do to gain her trust.

The hypocrisy is what gets me most. She wants me to automatically trust her, but doesn't extend that same courtesy to me.

That is the absolute worst quality to me. Anyone who says one thing and does another. Who doesn't even try to keep their word. Just says words that make it look like progress is happening and good things are being said, but not backed up by action or behavior that reflects the content of whatever it is they say.

No integrity. Just false promises, expectations, delusional thinking.

Anyways, I did my best to keep it out of the way of our time tonight. Justin, Nicole, Seth, Margie, Mike and his wife were all there and I was determined not to put a sour face on and make the tension between Fola and I noticeable or an obstacle to us having fun that evening.

And it worked. It got to the point where Fola looked at me and said, "I know you can't stay mad at me for long" and I told her that I was still mad at her, and just because I was in a good mood does not excuse her for what she has done. That she still has to make up for it.

The night continued to go well. The band was amazing. Carter and the Cardinals, the opening band had this throwback 70s sound complete with porn-sounding synths and funky basslines. I loved it. They were local too.

But Five Alarm Funk was next level. 9 musicians on stage. Three percussionists, including a dude on bongo drums. Sax, trumpet. Guitar, bass. Incredible energy. Fantastic performance.

Spoke to Carter, the lead singer of the opening band after the show. He was pleasant and upbeat and excited to be there. I told him to enjoy every moment of what he was experiencing, because later in life he is going to look back on these days as the best he's ever had. He seemed to really appreciate these words among others.

Fola spent time touching me over the evening. Planted some light kisses on me too. I accepted all that. Touched her a few times too. Again, I was determined not to let our differences get in the way of a good time.

As everything ended and we headed home, I could feel the distance returning. We drove in silence for the most part, listening to 80s music. As I parked by her home, she leaned in for a kiss and I felt this... disassociation. This lack of interest well up inside of me. I was not in that mood. I didn't want to kiss her, or be kissed. She's done this to me a few times. I know that feeling well.

She tried for a second kiss, asking me "you don't want me to kiss you?" and ...

Yeah.

Back to feeling isolated from her.

I... love her, and I don't. I mean... Yes, I want a conditional relationship. A reciprocal one. I want one where she surprises me. Where she takes obvious time and effort to put my happiness ahead of hers, and especially ahead of being convenient, which is where the true test of selflessness comes from. Which can indicate commitment to the quality and well-being of our relationship.

I don't see enough of those demonstrations, if I can call it that. Moments where she does something without expecting anything in return and goes out of her way to make me feel good. I need more of those moments.

Because although she knows that I love her, and has often told me this "I know that you love me" with a smirk; I can't honestly say that I feel the same about her. I don't. I've been in relationships before. I know what the "extra mile" looks like when someone takes time and makes the effort to improve things.

I haven't seen Fola reach the levels that some of my ex-girlfriends have. If I fuck up on something, I go the distance. If I want to please my lady, I will go the distance. But when the ball is in her court, it's like she forgot how to dribble and it just rolls senselessly around on the ground. That's what I was seeing throughout most of our relationship. That's not to say she hasn't made any effort, but she hasn't made enough effort to convince me that I can truly feel and know that she loves me.

And that is important. And pathetic, because I am holding onto an idea. I am not content with fleeting kisses and weak hugs and... massages/touches that last for such a short brief period of time that it almost negates their worth.

I believe still, not to get hung up on all this and to move forward with my head held high. I can still be a man. I don't need to be placing my dreams into the hands of a woman and give her the power to destroy them. I don't trust or respect her enough to do that. And she doesn't think she needs to earn either of those things.

She wants to automatically be given them.

And for someone who argued with me about how there is no "right" or "wrong" and that "everything happens for a reason" and who was formerly into sleeping with multiple people; I think I am fair in my stance to not be putting up with her shit. To ask for more than what she is giving, because I need more. And I do not think she is giving me nearly enough.

Although she often likes to say that she does "many things for me", she isn't able to provide me with examples that have a convincing basis to them. Telling me about how often she comes over to my place, is not doing me a favor. Yes, I like spending time with her, but I also know that she comes over because she enjoys the way I make her feel. It's not like she's doing it because she doesn't enjoy it or because it feels like "work".

Our arguments are so banal sometimes.

Despite how cold and indifferent I was in the way it ended last night; I still agreed to go to her to this Spirit and Mind expo today. Which is in a few hours. Not sure how that is going to be, but I am going to try and keep my heart tucked firmly into my chest. Despite how easy it is for me to want to gush it out towards her and passionately kiss and touch her.

Because I feel she has not made up for anything. I want to see her try. I NEED to see her try.

Otherwise there is no point with us.

Well.

I still have a soul contract to oblige by. And so does she.

I have a feeling that I am supposed to be speaking the truth to her. That is what it feels my obligation is.

And hers? I don't know. Perhaps to listen. To learn. To try and grow and evolve and become a better version of herself.

To learn what love is, maybe.

Painful. But expedient.

And necessary.

Off I go.

A Nail to the Heart

Yeah last night was an eye-opener. Fola had invited me over for dinner, after changing her mind three times about where we'd go and what to eat and decided to make it at her place. It went well enough until she asked me to write her an article for her blog. And that we would work on it "together".

She hands me the laptop and goes on her phone. Sending emails and messages and listening to videos. So much for working on it together.

She wanted me to write about channelling, about how one can "channel" otherworldly entities and spirits and ascended masters and whatever other else is out there. She really wants to become a channeller.

Earlier that day we had a conversation about this subject. I explained to her what I thought channelling actually was, and reminded her of some of my personal experiences where I was able to channel stuff through my writing, etc, and what I have learned. She seemed to listen, but not really. I explained that everyone channels. A painter, a musician, a writer, a poet. Even politicians and actors channel from "outside" of themselves, a kind of quality that feels like a "tuning" into something greater than themselves. Or perhaps a tuning into something that is great within themselves. Inner or outer, who really knows, but I am leaning towards the inner. The imagination.

With this thought in mind, I told her what I learned. I felt that to become a channel, one has to learn to let go and surrender themselves. But not completely. It is the space between the self and the no-self that one must learn to occupy and keep themselves within balance of. I also told her that from what I learned and experienced, that channelling appears contingent and borrows terms/ideas heavily from one's resoviour of knowledge. Damn spell checker. It doesn't tell me how to correct that one word I can never spell properly...

Anyways. So, Fola wants to channel and thinks there are "techniques" out there that allows for it. This is what she wanted me to write the article about. How to channel. First off, I am offended of the idea that she wants easy and quick shortcuts and methods to something that I consider to be a kind of gift that has to be treated with great care and not taken for granted or used to exploit the gullibility of others. Which is what so many mediums and psychics often do.

I have tremendous respect for Edgar Cayce. I believe he was the real deal. But he did not set himself on the path to becoming a channeller by any conscious intention or technique. He simply surrendered himself to that particular purpose which was engraved deeply upon his soul. That was what he was intended to become, and he allowed it into being. He did not push for it. He was reluctant to charge money for the service, and he welcomed everyone regardless of their social status, to be eligible for one of his readings. Further, he imparted information that went beyond healing ailments, diseases and psychological traumas. He discussed Atlantis. Reincarnation. The nature of reality and subjects that at times contradicted his Christian faith of which he was a strong adherent of.

So to think that this woman I am with, wants to become a channeller so as to "heal" people (for money) and to asauge her ego and feelings of self-worth; is something that disgusts me on a deep level, to be honest. Had I been born with the gift of mediumship for example, I would be reluctant about charging for my services. I would be selective about who I would reveal these gifts towards. And I certainly would try my best not to allow pride to corrupt my soul with the power that such gifts bring. I also would be fearful that I may not be 100% accurate, and would not appreciate being treated with skepticism, or looked upon as a saviour figure or special kind of human being,

Anyways, so I'm sitting there looking up random articles and spent most of the evening learning about how famous channellers began to channel. Basically the origin story, to see if there are any techniques or themes common among them all. What I found among Fola's favourite channeller (Esther Hicks) is that she borrowed her teachings from Jane Roberts. There were no psychic abilities in her early childhood (like Cayce). I then looked into Carla who did the Law of One, and also discovered a similarity to Esther. Her "seven rays" theory seemed to correspond to Alice Bailey's teachings.

A copy of a copy of a copy.

I was getting a little annoyed towards the end, watching Fola distance herself from me by being on the phone. Messaging and emailing and not getting involved. She then announces she's sleepy and wants to go to bed. I shut the laptop down and make my way to the door, when suddenly she insists she looks at my phone.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because something is going on. I can feel it."

Turns out that Fola had the suspicion I was talking with some girl or was receiving messages from a girl and her "intuition" was sounding the alarm bells.

I was disgusted. Told her that there was no girl I was talking with and that she should trust me to take me at my word.

She said she did not trust me and then threatened to end the relationship if I didn't allow her to look at my phone.

I felt so disgusted by all this that I told her I didn't have time for this garbage and left. Sitting in my car, I get a call from her saying she was coming to see me. She enters, and again this conversation or rather interrogation picks up.

The feelings I had inside of me were surreal. All I could think was that this woman clearly doesn't trust me. No matter how much reassurance I've given her in the past, or even now, and in spite of all we have shared and all I have shared with her, my deepest thoughts and feelings; she still would not take me at my word.

A nail through the heart.

I realized that although I had nothing to hide, I had to play this stupid game of hers. I wanted to make this a learning opportunity. Since she was so prideful of her "intuition" that I would make sure she will remember how wrong it has steered her to the point where she would threaten to end our relationship if she didn't look at my phone.

She assured me that I would have the right to remind her of this moment "hundreds of times" if it turned out that she was wrong.

I made sure that she knew what she was saying, but she didn't seem to take the moment very seriously. She was way too eager to look at my phone than to listen to what I had to say.

Again, the disgust I felt for her was unreal. This isn't my idea of a healthy and loving relationship.

But I feel that this needed to be a learning experience. I had the opportunity of proving her intuition to be wrong, and that would bring some satisfaction and a moment I could point towards in the future if I had to. Which I don't want to, but in the hopes that she will remember this enough to re-consider future accusations made against me that spontaneously arise from some "gut feeling" of hers that has no rational basis enough to overcome trust enough for me that I feel she should be giving. Much in the same way she once asked me to magically just "trust" her, and not have to earn or prove that the trust is well-founded. Kind of like lending money and promising to pay it back. That's based on trust, and she fucked that with me already. Long ago.

Sighs. Man. I ain't even mad, bro. I am just disappointed in her.

So I showed her my phone and she went to the trouble of texting this missed call number I had on there. I didn't know who it was, and I didn't care. The person replied with "who dis?" and she still continued to go over my call log and texts to see if I was speaking with some chick,

I tell you blog, I am disappointed in this woman. She does not know how to love, how to apologize, how to make me feel appreciated and wanted and respected.

So why am I with her?

She often used to tell me that I didn't need reassurance or validation from her when I needed it. That it was up to me to look inward and figure that shit out for myself. It wasn't ever her problem that she spent three hours at a guy's place she hardly knows only to come to my place and fuck me afterwards. Think I wrote about that story on here. Happened in the summer.

When I expressed concern about the many guys she talks to, she replied with a laugh saying, "it's only going to get worse!" ostensibly because she will eventually make more contact with people in whatever she ends up doing with this "career" she's trying to build for herself as a spiritual or life coach or channeller or whatever the fuck, because she can't figure out clearly what it is she wants to become or do.

There is no hope for our relationship if she is going to be like this. Why make our relationship worse? Why not make it better? She is incredibly self-centered and focused on her own gratifications and desires and ego. She still doesn't "get" the importance of putting other people's self-interests first. She is not compassionate. She is not empathetic. She does not give a hoot about making up for past wrongs, to repay a debt she owes me, to put time and effort into making me feel good and putting me ahead of her own convenience and wants.

So why the fuck am I still with this woman? She's not even a woman. She's a little girl with daddy issues who has no idea what is going on and does not understand herself in the slightest. She has no emotional control. Is incapable of being persuaded by logic or reason.

Does not take me seriously, or my wants and concerns seriously.

So why the fuck am I with her?

Mm. I'm guessing because I have to learn something as well. I am learning how to become empowered. I'm not mad as I type all this, just disappointed, and that is a huge step for me. I'm not emotionally wrapped up in her drama now. I truly don't give a fuck, and a part of me is morbidly hoping she will do something drastic enough for me to go off on my merry way and not look back.

Another part of me is hopeful, as well. Regardless of what happens with her, I feel confident for some reason. I eel that there are good things awaiting me, even if they do not appear that way from where I am at the moment.


I must stay strong and let this water run off my back. I could break up with her, but I've a feeling there is something further that needs to be done. Either for her or my own benefit.

She was talking about ... yeah, I don't enjoy typing about every little detail. Some of what she says and does is so asinine that it makes my brain hurt just to think about it. How she often says, "I am going to X destination" rather than have me included along with her plans. She once suggested we both go to BC this summer to visit her family and do other stuff, but weeks or months later she switches it up to an "I" rather than "we", as if I am not intended to be a part of whatever it is that she wants to do.

"I am going to burning man. I am going to California. I am going to X,Y,Z"

Who gives a fuck. Selfish bitch.

There. I've said it.

Bitch.

Maybe I should accept that this is who she is and how I feel about her.

I don't like this. I do love her on a certain level that I can't articulate well enough to explain. There is something deep between us that transcends conventional explanation. I am talking as deep as soul-contracts and past-lives, etc. There is something here that has to be fulfilled. A contractual obligation of some kind.

And I feel that my job is to continue to hold my head high and expose her nonsense for what it is.

Or something.

I don't know.

Tonight we are going to see Five Alarm Funk. I've decided that I am going to have a good time and it won't be dependent on anything she does or says with me. I am going there to check out the place and to talk with Justin and his brother and ignore her if that is what I feel like doing.

Whatever. Time for me to be selfish. Throw this all back in her face the same way she threw it into mine.

Many, many times before.

And let her see herself for the hypocrite that she is. With her double-standards. Talking to all the guys she wants but getting upset at the mere *possibility* that I would be talking to a girl on my own.

Pathetic, really.

Not love.

She texted me this morning. Saying again, that she loves me and wants us to work through this. I haven't responded. The thought in my mind was to say, "Work how? You were willing to end our relationship last night if I didn't let you look at my phone."

And I didn't bother. I don't give a fuck if I leave her hanging. It's not worthy my time and energy to have that conversation if I don't want to.

The ball is in her court. She needs to earn or prove that she loves me instead of always talking about it but rarely showing it.

Last night I was driving home after all this, she sent me a text saying "I was was going to say I love you, but wasn't sure if that would be okay."

Read that text. How sad is that? Not sure if it would be okay to tell me that she loves me? I'm tired of this. I'm tired of hearing about how she wants to do X, but decided not to. She wants to do X for me, but changed her mind or didn't think it was "okay". So many instances of this. So many false promises and "want tos" instead of actual doing.

She's so lazy. Lazy as fuck. Prima donna. Queen bee. Fuck that noise.

I am a king and I deserve to be treated like one. Even if I sometimes appear to be asleep at the wheel, she knows full well the lion that emerges when I am prodded the wrong way.

And she derives satisfaction from it. As I wrote in an earlier post about how the last fight we had, had her texting me with "I want to fuck you right now".

Guess what? You're not going to be getting the satisfaction of my anger this time, Fola.

I am going to honor my intuition on this one.

And it's a hell of a lot more reliable and functional than yours is.

Maybe that's the truth you find yourself annoyed by. That I have more "abilities" than you do. That I am more suited to the type of career/occupation that you are pursuing for yourself. That I care more about people than you do. That I am compassionate, thoughtful and willing to compromise and put my best foot forward. To make effort. To be diplomatic.

Sure, I'm not perfect, but I never claimed to be.

Yet, I've accepted it.

She has not.

And therein is the problem

She is deluding herself into a fantasy that will never be realized. She will not become a channeller. She will not become a famous healer or counsellor or a being of any merit if she cannot first understand who she is. If she cannot move herself into the light. Lacking in self-awareness enough to acknowledge her imperfections and work towards overcoming them.

All she wants is money, prestige and to be looked upon with respect and admiration.

Not going to happen if she isn't willing to collaborate with me. To defer to my guidance. To place trust into some of the things that I point out for her. Such as how "surrender" has always lead to positive interactions between us. Next-level experiences, through sex or conversation or whatnot, all happens when we can set egos aside and she trusts my decision-making process. Allowing me to guide her towards a benevolent outcome. Which is all I truly want for the both of us.

She has to trust me in order for that to happen.

And she said last night she doesn't trust me.

Okay.

Guess this is a problem now.

It's up to her to solve it.

I'm just going to carry on my merry way.

And do what I feel is right.

Had a dream about her last night. Had the sense that she was whoring herself out to people. Not going to bother listing out the details of all this, other than to feel this sense of betrayal and distrust. Not the first time I've had a time like this about her. Where she cheats on me, and justifies it somehow.

Well.

Life goes on.

The journey continues.

Mandela effect.