Oh my blog, please listen to the cries of my wounded heart.
Fola.. Fola.. Fola..
It really feels like I have been bewitched. Not in the positive, romantic sense either, but bewitched. Hoodwinked. Played.
Used.
Abused.
Taken for granted...
Unappreciated.
Disrespected.
Unloved, and lied to about being loved.
Yeah.. So.. It seems that every time I think Fola and I are "done" we somehow get back together. I'm somehow still willing to put up with her abuse in the faint hope that she will turn things around and deliver on the promises she's made. Or that she will realize...
Man.. She has realized it already. How good we were. How good we can be. But she isn't making it a priority for herself. Our relationship is this.. distraction for her. Not anything that is being cherished, appreciated or reciprocated towards.
A few days ago she sent me a link to her new website, which she is in the beginning stages of putting together. Her idea is to become an independent Reiki practicioner and offer "consultation" pertaining towards offering help for those experiencing a spiritual crisis, depression, questions about... whatever a consultation is intended to provide answers towards.
And, when I was reading this site, I couldn't..
I felt offended. It was so thoughtless. Not only is Fola a Reiki level 2 which is two levels below a "master", but she is not intelligent or compassionate enough to be effective at giving anyone advice on anything. Much less charge them between 45-70$ on a "sliding scale" for the privielege.
"I will do Reiki in my home or yours, if you live in the Edmonton area" .. Well, that's smart. Going to stranger's homes. Even smarter still, that she is charging the same price for the time it takes her to drive someplace and the gas she would be using. What would stop some guy from having her come over so he can put moves on her?
God, man.. Why am I with this woman? Why do I keep.. allowing myself to be strung along? She has no empathy. She is not a loving person. She..
There are no words, almost. I have a bunch of things I should mention here to help qualify my above statements, but I feel like I've had enough of thinking about them.
When she asked me for feedback on her site, I wrote her this long email about my impressions and suggestions. She then responds with basically a, "lol, thanks. I agree." and left it at that. No real gratitude there for the time and thought I had put into giving her my analysis. But, whatever. I eventually managed to brush it off.
Her texts are terrible. She deliberately ignores some questions that I ask. Some of her texts don't even make any sense, given the auto-correct and the fact that she doesn't seem to proof-read anything she says. Completely thoughtless or disrespectful. I haven't decided which. Probably both.
She has no "beliefs" of her own that are worth sharing. No substance. Just pure superficiality and flying by the seat of her pants.
She asked me if she could stay over at my place a few days go, and gave me this sad emoticon with a "please...?" making me believe that something serious has happened. So, I said yes, and because this was right before I had to start working, I then spent the next three hours away from my phone thinking about how she was over at my place already, and wondering what happened for her to ask if she could come by.
Well.. Coffee time arrives and I..
Man.. it fucking sucks bringing up this stuff again. But it keeps happening.
Coffee time comes, and there is no explanation as to why she wanted to stay over. So I call her, and she shuts me down saying she's at someone's house discussing the Kabbalah. No thank you for my offer of letting her stay over. No explanation. Just basically, "I've got to go. I'm okay. I'll call you later."
She spent over three hours there. Leaving me feeling excited that she was coming over, having me wonder if she is okay, and she didn't even come over anyways. She...
My God.. I can't even explain exactly how the situation developed. I don't want to. There's...The short of it is that she blew me off.
I fucking hate her sometimes. I do. There is no love in that woman. No empathy. Just driven by purely selfish instincts, and what makes that worse, is how oblivious she is. She..
Man... If she has to ask her friend Ryan if she is "selfish" then that's..
Wow.. there's a mental block in my mind happening right now. I can't articulate this situation very well. The next day I was in such a sour mood that I took the evening off from work. I couldn't go in. My thoughts were really dark and sour and she was completely responsible for having made me feel that way. I ignored her texts, ignored her phone call, and then later in the evening told her I wasn't going to work and that I wasn't in the best of moods. It was OBVIOUS that she fucked up with the way she treated me, and it was OBVIOUS that the next thing for her to do is to make up for it.
What does she do? Go to some strange guy's house, and stays there for hours rather than try and cheer me up or make amends. I then get a text from her at 1 in the morning asking if she could come over.
I said yes. She came. She fucked me. And I was crying in the first few minutes.
She is robbing my soul.
She is...
I have thought about what "evil" really means, and my analysis has lead me to conclude that "evil" is to be willfully ignorant. Ignorant of your actions upon others. Ignorant of the harm you have caused them.
She fits the profile of willful ignorance. Although she has an intuitive understanding of having done something "wrong", she has no remorse for it. Just this... carelessness.
I am exhausted by her, my blog. She does not elevate me. The only time she cares about me, is when I am in pain. Usually pain caused by her. Or I stop caring, and I distance myself. Then she's right back with an email telling me how she wants to love me more, and make our relationship work, and whatever else she claims to want to deliver on, but never does.
"I can see us residing together someday" she'll tease in an email. Knowing how much I would want to have a woman live with me. Especially one that I can love and be loved by. I badly want to come home from work to a wife or a girlfriend who is waiting for me with a smile and a kiss.
"David, I am 99% sure I am monogamous" and then later telling me how she hates labels, and that she isn't monogamous or non-monogamous.
She is playing me.
Fuck, man...
Fuck, am I ever an idiot for believing her. And continuing to do so.
And she calls herself a "lightworker" on her website.
I am so insulted by her inflated sense of worth. Her ego is ridiculous.
How can she heal people, when she hurts them? Her entire family is mad at her right now. Her father, her mom, her sister, her husband.. and me.
But gawsh, she's a lightworker. She should know how to bring harmony and love into relationships. I mean, she is willing to charge people 45-70$ on a "sliding scale" for advice on how they can do that.
The one thing that greatly disturbs me about her, is the fact that she seems drawn to people who are vulnerable and weakened. There is a reason she wants to be the person to confide towards when someone is suffering from a drug-induced trip, or are in a state of psychosis with a spiritual origin attached to it.
It makes me sick. She doesn't want to help people. She wants to be amused by them. She wants to see their naked and vulnerable side, and not show her own. Not admit to her shortcomings. Not allow herself to be vulnerable enough to show love and compassion to someone who desperately needs it. She would rather stand back and be this figure of redemption/hope/healing and gain this smug sense of personal empowerment over it, in a completely undeserving and unearned way.
There is something very wrong with that woman that I am doing a terrible job of articulating right now. I just don't want to think much about it. I don't want to relive the past and bring up examples of her behavior, which all points to a human being that seems incapable of giving love.
And the hypocrisy is what burns me most. When she claims she wants to help people and show more love towards others, but doesn't try very hard at it. Barely at all. And certainly has no idea what love actually is supposed to look like. Or she does, and doesn't think its worth the effort.
Had I done to her what she did to me a few days ago....
She would've been upset.
She knows that too.
When your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse is in pain, you'd better consider it important enough for you to want to do something about it. You would go to see them. You'd do something nice for them. Maybe bake them something. Cheer them up. Ask questions about why they are feeling the way they do.
You don't say, "I'll just leave you alone for a bit and let you have time to yourself" and then go off to some stranger's house who you met at a festival a few weeks ago. And then later talk about how you "might" have been drugged while there.
It's bad enough she is going to some guy's house she barely knows. Its worse knowing she discarded my feelings to do it. It's worser still, that she would come by hours later for sex and pretending that nothing is wrong. No apologies. No nothing.
Just...
My God... this woman is going to be the death of me.
There is something I need to be learning from her though. I think I am getting it slowly, but surely.
I need to learn to stand up for myself. All my advice, my anger, my love, my attention directed towards her has been a waste. And when my time and energy is being taken for granted and not reciprocated, and then teased along every time I distance myself; then that means this person is not worth being with.
I am being fucked with. And she knows exactly the right way to do it.
She knows what I most want in this world, and all she does is teases me with it.
Her touch is cold and clammy.
She is difficult to joke around with. She has no sense of humor.
No intelligence.
No compassion.
No sense of personal responsibility.
No consideration.
No thoughtfulness.
No sense of gratitude.
No desire to improve our relationship. No appreciation for how hard I have tried to make things special between us.
Just...
Pure willful ignorance.
Disguised under the pretense of being "intuitive" rather than logical or reasonable.
She is "intuitively" going through life. Intuitively going through the motions.
Basically, she is operating on auto-pilot.
In a car that is driving around in circles. Crashing into things.
Making the same mistakes over and over.
And not being self-aware enough to realize how important it is to be mindful of the effects and actions she has on people. The harm she causes by being ignorant and inconsiderate.
Fuck it, man...
I'm still going out on dates. I have two lined up for this weekend.
Michelle and Natalia.
Michelle I already have met. She is a sweet, soulful human being.
Natalia seems interesting. She's Ukranian. Likes to dance.
I am still going to keep my heart open.
I am still going to believe the "right" one is out there for me.
And although Fola and I may be soulmates, it's me that is putting the effort in. Not her. She would rather take than give.
She would rather go through the motions.
And throw me enough crumbs to keep me interested enough to put up with her half-hearted approach towards our relationship.
...
Fuck me...
A married woman. I'm in love with a married woman who doesn't have a soul.
And I really think that is true.
She doesn't have much humanity in her.
And.. She wants what I have.
But doesn't want to earn it.
Isn't making herself deserving of what I have to offer.
So...
But...
Man...
There is still something between us. It feels like something has yet to be resolved, or learned.
She certainly has to learn something, as do I.
But I'm not sure what, yet.
When I say my prayers at night, the line "deliver us not into temptation..." has me thinking of her.
She is temptation.
...
She is temptation.
She is....
The evil I need to be delivered from.
....
Fuck.
