What is it? How can it be properly described? What should one expect when "in love" with another person?
Are there different types of love? Certainly. Romantic, friendly, benevolent, platonic love..
But, what does Leah and I have?
I'll admit to feeling honestly confused at the moment. My depiction of love involves PDA, lots of smiles, hand holding, kisses, sex, affection, bright gleaming eyes between the two of us.
And.. with Leah, I don't know where I stand.
She is the love of my life, but it's not what I quite expected it to be.
I'm thinking at the moment, that I may not be living up to her expectations. And I hate that. I hate waking up next to her in bed and not being able to properly hear her through a sleepy voice. I hate having to pretend like I understand exactly everything she's telling me.
I dislike reaching for her, stroking her hair, running my hand down her body and not really getting as much of it in return.
Am I greedy? Pushy? Selfish? Ordinarily I would admit to being overly affectionate, but when we aren't connecting properly on an emotional level because of my hearing (and my stuffed up ears, which really doesn't help) .. I get scared thinking that I am going to lose her if I keep this up.
These pretenses. Pretending like I can hear and appreciate every word she's saying.
I hate that. I hate it so much.
This woman confessed her love for me before we even met. As have I. We've pledged our dedication to one another, again -- before us having met and our texts are still going along seamlessly.
But I can't help but wonder if this is enough. I don't think it is. I want real love.. Genuine, heartfelt love. And I want to feel convinced by it. I need her to say I love you out of the blue to me first, instead of me saying it. I want her to be excited by me, without really having to try.
And the big thing in all this is, why does she love me? How loyal will she end up being to me? And I to her?
I love her so much. I could not have asked for a better person to spend the rest of my life with.
But something inside of me is tearing itself apart. My expectations and my inability to really be the man I want to be when I am with her.
The man she deserves to be with.
I am trying. I am trying my hardest and I don't want this to fail. By God, I can't allow this to fail. How often does an opportunity like this come by? To be loved unconditionally? Even if it doesn't quite meet up to what I expect from it.
I have to try. I must try. I need to find a way.
I'm going to have to consider hearing aids. I really do. I think it's at that point where I cannot function well without them.
And I need to write. Write my freakin' ass off. If I am able to work towards a career that will enable me to do what I love for a living. To be able to provide Leah with the things I would like her to have.
A remodelled bathroom, for one :)
Maybe a nicer house.
I just want her to be happy. Until the end of her days. Or mine. Whichever comes first.
I don't want to annoy her with my snoring. My smoking. My rumbling stomach while we sleep. My hearing.
I don't want to be anything but the best I can be when I am with her.
I hope I don't fail in this.
I WILL not fail in this.
Hearing test next week. I need to see what my options are.
God. Please be on my side with this.
I owe you one.
