waking up that morning, I felt almost sick to my stomach. I couldn't eat breakfast, I couldn't stop thinking about how I should act and what I want to say later that evening. I looked over the letter I wrote for her and felt doubt welling up. I wasn't sure if giving her this would be the right thing to do.
so, I posted on Reddit for the first time. Hoping that maybe I will get some advice on how I should be feeling and what I should do about Amy and I. It took a few hours before enough replies came in, but it was worth the wait.
people called it like it is. They didn't see anything more beyond a guy who's head over heels with a woman he hardly knows. They didn't see what Amy and I had, whenever we kissed, held hands, or hugged one another.
Reddit looked at my situation in the way any outsider would. With calm detachment and little consideration for the emotions involved.
The most jarring comment I received, was the one that said my letter was nuts. And that I shouldn't be sending it.
It shook me to my core when I read that. I don't like to think having such strong feelings about someone is "nuts", but maybe it was. Maybe it is something abnormal.
But it is not something that I should be apologizing for. Because what I wrote in that letter, are my feelings expressed crystal clear. I could not have articulated them any better than I did.
And I was reminded, that I am one of a kind it seems. I don't know of many -- if any, people who are as sensitive as I can be. Who can be as resilient as I can be. Who has gone through as much heartbreak as I have in my life.
Or anyone who seems to be as spiritual as I am.
But I had to agree with that poster, the letter was nuts. I should not be feeling that way about someone, yet I was.
It was a unique situation in my life. I've dated enough people to know when something incredible happens with one of them.
I needed to distract myself. I ended up putting in the 40-year old virgin and getting some much needed laughs. Just to lighten up the terrible amount of pain I was putting myself through. And for the most part, it helped.
My mother ends up calling me to ask how I was doing, and I had to switch over to my happy voice. She asked what my plans were for tonight and I said I was going to be watching movies with Amy. She then suggested I buy her flowers.
I felt a little choked at that. Not having the relationship with my mother enough that I could tell her exactly what was going on. That Amy already was involved with another guy and this likely would be the last time I would see her.
But flowers? Sure.. Amy would like that. She'd like sushi as well. I bought both.
I stopped to pick up a dozen roses in a vase that looked absolutely spectacular and overdone. Driving home with those on the seat made me feel like a complete idiot, wondering what kind of message I am sending Amy with these.
"you've hurt me so bad, that I'm giving you these expensive flowers."
Maybe a part of me still thought I had a chance.
So, as the hour approaches for me to leave I get upstairs to start shaving and I just fucking crumble. My hands start shaking, I can barely get the job done and I'm putting down the razor listening to this voice inside of me.
"You are worthwhile."
"The right girl will find you."
"You are not alone."
"You are loved."
And.. I was such a fucking mess after that, with minutes to go before I had to leave.
I ended up laying face down in bed, just heaving these dry sobs. Not knowing what the hell I should be doing. Feeling like I can't go along with this.
It's then about 7:07pm and I was supposed to go to Amy's place at 7:30. It's an almost hour drive away. I was fucking starving and I forced myself to grab a candy bar on the way out. I had almost no appetite that day.
Driving, without the radio or a cd on, I suffered my thoughts for most of the way there until I was almost at my destination. Then something compelled me to turn up the radio and California Girls by David Lee Roth came up.
I smiled. I loved this song when I was growing up and I still remember the music video for it as a child.
I felt better. I felt ready.
I parked at her place and after fumbling around trying to figure out which house she was in, I stepped up and rang her doorbell.
Her dog Wiggy could be seen through the door barking. I smiled. I loved her dog, cute little bugger he was. And her cat, who perched up near the door as I came in.
Amy was.. non-chalant about my arrival. She took my sushi (the flowers were still in the car) and invited me inside.
The first thing that struck me, was really the non-chalance. She was completely oblivious to how I must have been feeling and I felt torn up seeing her this way, standing and watching her send a text message to somebody while I stood there awkwardly, wondering what to do next.
We sat on her couch and talked about her day. The guy that she almost fired. I shared a story of my teasing a co-worker. She shared one about a dying cat. I told her about mine, and how I cried for 15 minutes as he had to be put down.
Once all this was out of the way, I began speaking my truth.
"Amy, I can't possibly sit here for two hours with you, watching a movie and pretending like I don't want to hold your hand, to put my arm around you and to kiss you. So, I am just going to leave."
I wasn't going to leave just yet, but I set the stage for what followed next.
"Now, before I leave, I want to know what your reasons were. You said things happen for a reason, I'd like to know why you did what you did."
She fumbled around for a bit, trying to explain how she really couldn't explain anything. How when she saw this guy show up at her store, she couldn't keep from smiling. That she almost felt like vomiting because the feeling was so intense between them."
I had to ask her when this happened. It turned out, it was just a few days after our amazing night at Shoguns. Where we made out for over an hour.
I couldn't believe that she disregarded all that. That some guy would've just came in and said, "hey, want to go out?" and she accepted.
I couldn't believe how meaningless that moment we shared ended up being. I told her that, and she shook her head with confusion.
"It.. was meaningful to me. It was special."
I told her how I had never experienced anything like that with another human being. How it was the most intimate thing I had ever done, and it wasn't even sex! I told her how I sure I was that had she been with me a little while longer, she would not have made the decision she did.
Amy couldn't respond to any of this. I could start feeling shame radiate from her.
My voice wavered, trembled, cracked and then rose, swelled, born of newly found conviction as I told her that after the night we shared, I was ready to give her my everything. That I loved her. That I respected her saying she didn't want to rush into things and get to know me.
And the biggest thing I said here was,
"If you did not want to rush into things with me, then why have you done it with this other person? How are you not a hypocrite? How are you not a liar?"
She said she could see why I would think that.
I made up to leave. I've had enough. Amy proved to me what she really is. And as I reached for the jacket on my lap, she pushed her dog away and moved closer to me.
I can't remember what she said exactly, but I knew none of it made sense. And I told her that.
It just doesn't make any sense.
At some point, I had enough of sitting there. I told her that if I sat on her couch for any longer, I would start to feel like a loser. I got up to leave and went to put my shoes on.
Amy called from behind me, "David.. I'm sorry.."
I told her it's okay. And then, she reached up to hug me.
We stood there for five minutes. Her hands encircled my torso and mine ran down the small of her back. I could feel my body shake and convulse with unsteady breath and then I could feel the tears stream down my face.
I tried my best to restrain them, but I couldn't.
We stood there, without a word spoken or a sound made and I ran my fingers through her hair -- knowing it would be the last time I could do so.
Once I managed to compose myself, I pulled away gently and kissed her on her forehead. I unlocked the front door and I walked to my car.
Not looking back. Not saying goodbye.
Once I was in, I circled the block to a private area and I sat with my thoughts for a bit. Smoking my cigarette and wondering what to do about the flowers. Or the letter that I had with me. The short stories that I included thinking that maybe she would realize that I am more than what she might think I am. That I am an intelligent, sensitive, compassionate human being.
But, I then realized that it's not worth it. I had also told her that I could see her as the type that would cheat on me at some point. That no matter how good our kisses or how good the sex is, all it would take is some guy to come along and ask her out.
Some guy that she feels like throwing up in front of.
I was resigned to my fate. I was not going to win her back. I did not want her back. This was over. Done. And I had just one thing left to do.
I threw the letters into the backseat and I unwrapped the flowers. Took them out of their box, stripped the plastic sheeting off and I placed it on her doorstep. Then I drove away.
Ten minutes later, I texted her saying, "Door."
She wrote back with, "?"
"Check your doorstep"
"I don't know what to say, they're beautiful." next message: "Why?"
"Because I love you." I responded. "And I wish you could have said the same."
And that was the last I texted her. I turned my phone off and drove the rest of the way home. I stopped for coffee and listened to a cd in my car. Smoking. Thinking. Feeling. Wondering.
Then I got home. Too weary to check Reddit. Too afraid to look at my phone. I smoked some more and listened to another cd I had made. Laying on the couch, using my laptop instead of my iPhone. Headphones on and feeling the pain melt away.
Once my mix was approaching the end, I went upstairs and got ready for bed. I changed into my pajamas, brushed my teeth and laid in darkness with the last four songs playing.
Hold Me Now by Sara Lov
Lights of an Endangered Species by Matthew Good
Insurgentes by Steven Wilson
and Moving On by Michael Giacchino from the Lost soundtrack
It was during the last song that I started to question if God really exists.
For most of my life I have been searching for the right person to be with.
I have tried so hard. I have dated so many. There are so few that I would really want to see myself being with.
And to have this happen to me. To find someone this special. To form such a deep connection with, only to have it violently taken away from me...
Well.. It made me curse God.
I called him an asshole.
What has he ever done for me? In all those lonely nights of praying and hoping and dreaming and wishing.
What am I left with?
This pain. This hurt.
I mumbled an evening prayer out of habit, just the same. Despite my thinking that I would never be praying again.
Then I couldn't sleep. I got up, went to my laptop and fixed my OkCupid profile up. I stripped it free of the stuff that made me look like I was someone else. Or that I was trying too hard to be funny or different.
I just fixed it up to make it more real.
And then I went downstairs for another cigarette and back upstairs again. Back into bed, I read the first five or six pages of Gargoyle, flinching at the opening line of:
"Accidents ambush the unsuspecting, often violently, like love."
And I closed my eyes to dream.
Tomorrow is going to be a new day.
And my flowers will be on Amy's table, reminding her of what she's thrown away.
I can live with that.
