Amy again. Yep. It has been a few days since we last met for breakfast on Whyte ave. At a nice little restaurant that housed a waiter who was making googly eyes at mah gurl which I didn't appreciate much.
I should correct myself before making the wrong impression.
Amy is not mah gurl. I knew something was up with how distant she appeared to be, but I didn't know what it was. Weeks earlier, I had asked her to reassure me that she was not interested in dating other people. To her credit, she said she wasn't, and closed down her OkCupid account, a gesture that I really appreciated her making at the time. Because I no longer had to feel insecure about us and that I knew she really liked me and wanted to take things seriously.
Boy, how wrong I was.
Looking back at my previous Amy posts, the one passage that haunts my mind is the one where I described that something terrible might happen, and I won't know it until it's too late.
Well, it happened.
Turned out, some guy that she hardly knows from a month and a half ago -- showed up at her store wanting to buy furniture.
This guy asked her out, it seems. And she accepted.
Not only that. But last night, she texted me saying they already had the "exclusive" talk -- adding a smiley face for emphasis, like I would be happy to read this.
It's.. Wow.. I don't know what to say. I quit smoking Wednesday night on the faint hopes that this would be my show of solidarity. My demonstration of commitment to her. Just because she agreed to meet (one last time, I requested) on Sunday night. She also expressed doubt about whether or not she made the right decision to go with this other guy.
A flurry of texts were exchanged Wednesday night. I was stupefied. I couldn't believe this was happening. That her "I'm not ready for a relationship" "I don't have plans to date anyone" "I really like you" "I'm growing quite attached to you" and inviting me out for Foo Fighters meant that she was interested in taking things slow with us, to which I was happy to oblige.
But.. Oh, geez. This happens. Out of the blue. The amazing connection that she still acknowledges we have (and which could have turned to "love" she admitted), was thrown out the window with nary a second thought.
I told my cousin the details of this, and he was shocked that I wasn't mad. That I was willing to stick it out and not feel insulted by any of this.
I don't know what is going on with me and Amy. I feel embarrassed for typing out that I love her, but I do.
I really do.
And.. I don't understand this. I've done my best. I kept myself from jumping into this relationship with desperate urgency, like a rabid dog shaking his head with a new toy in his mouth. I wanted to try my best. I did try my best.
I am still doing my best.
And it's not good enough.
When some stranger can come out of the blue to buy some furniture, say a few things and nullify everything that Amy and I have had up to this point; then why am I even bothering? Why should I still care about her? What does this say about Amy as a person?
Is she loyal? Is she kind? Is she the one that fits me best?
Those are questions that are up in the air at the moment. Because, how can anyone do something like this to someone they know they have a deep connection with that the other person is excited about exploring?
Why lie by omission?
Why not see how WE do first, and THEN see what the other person is like? Because, it's like building a house and abandoning it once the foundation is poured. It's irresponsible. Selfish. Immature. Inconsiderate.
Unforgivable? Perhaps. Although I don't feel vindictive or angry. Frustrated, yes. Disappointed, very. But do I hate her for doing this?
No. I don't.
We're supposed to be friends right now. We're set to go to the Foo Fighters show together and Matthew Good. So long-term plans are in place. She's not going away anytime soon.
And all this might mean, is that I'll always be the guy that poured his guts out to her and I'm just not good enough for her.
I don't understand some of her messages. So many mixed signals. With saying something like "I might be making the wrong decision" as being an example of one.
We never know if we've made the right decision until enough time has passed. If we ever. Amy would have to give each of us a chance to know what is the most likeliest scenario that will transpire between the two of us. Are we fated for something more? Or is this just not meant to be?
I don't like thinking of the idea of fate. Or pre-destination. That our lives are planned in advance by forces beyond our understanding. But I do accept that things happen for a reason. However strange it may be.
But I thought I've spent enough of my life already learning and preparing for something like this. I don't need another heartbreak. I am READY. More now than I ever have been.
Amy tried to describe what she was feeling to me. Saying that is was like something from the movie, Meet Joe Black where Anthony Hopkins suggests that love is like being hit by lightning.
I was kind of insulted to hear her say that, to be honest.
Infatuation is like being hit by lightning.
Lust, is like being hit by lightning.
A kick in the gonads is like being hit by lightning.
What's the point of telling me that? That irrationality wins out over sensibility? Logic? Undeniable chemistry?
I understand the importance of feelings and staying true to what you believe in, but this doesn't sound right to me.
Something doesn't make sense.
My first instinct is to consider why she wasn't interested in pursuing anything more with us. I felt a one-of-a-kind connection with this woman, and I'm sure she felt something extraordinary too.
No, she DID feel something amazing. She admitted to that.
But why won't she venture out to see what it is before going someplace else with someone else?
Unless maybe it wasn't much of a connection. That hour spent kissing each other in the parking lot of Shoguns meant nothing. That holding her hands and feeling sparks fly, meant nothing. That everything she told me about how much she loved our connection, meant nothing.
I really really don't understand how it came to be this way.
All I can do is laugh. I'm too proud to cry. I'm too much a character in a cosmic joke that I feel is being perpetuated upon me.
Someone up there is laughing their asses off at my expense. I am sure of it. And when I find this person, I will give them a kick in their intangible energy nutsack. Or whatever corporal entities have as their weakpoints.
I don't know if I should be dwelling this much about it. Thinking that this is the "one" and that she is slipping through my fingers with each passing minute that I do nothing.
So, last night laying in bed. I couldn't sleep. So many thoughts kept me awake. Haunting me. Begging me to consider each and every one before I closed my eyes and forget about them in the morning.
I decided to get up and entertain those notions.
The first thing I thought -- or rather felt -- like doing, was to head over to my laptop and to look at this blog.
Reading the first few posts about Amy, I shook my head and realized that her now "boyfriend" is gone for five weeks.
And that she was still coming over Sunday evening to watch movies with me.
So, I had a window of opportunity. A last chance. A final stand. How was I going to be doing this?
Buying her flowers was the first thing that came to mind, but I snorted at the idea because.. c'mon. This isn't going to change anything. If anything, it will only make me out to be more of a pathetic doormat than I've already presented myself to be.
So, what should I do about this? How do I make my last case for a relationship with Amy before things get too serious with the other guy?
I decided, she needed to get to know me.
Really know me. And while I was hoping sex would be the way to peek into my soul and understand that my love for her was sincere; that option is no longer available to me.
So, the next best thing, was to show her my thoughts.
My writings. My blog posts. My stories.
And hope that it will be enough for her to understand exactly who I am, and that I am sincere about my feelings for her.
At the expense of my dignity.
It will be like showing up nude at a public speech. Everything will be on display to be scrutinized and judged by others.
And I realized, that this is all I've got left to offer her. I can't possibly think of words that will make her reassess the viability of us two as a couple.
I would have to let her into my mind, and allow my heart and soul to be glimpsed.
Last night, I spent almost eight hours scouring and printing material that I have written over the year. It was frightening and exhilarating at the same time for me to realize just how much I have actually written during this time. I ended up printing 20 individual pieces of writing, that seem to total over a hundred pages.
I've never done anything like this before. Even when Lauren told me that I wasn't smart or ambitious enough for her; I did not go to such elaborate lengths to try and persuade her to see otherwise. At the time, I knew that it should not be my ambition or "brains" that dictated the potential of a relationship.
It should be my capacity to love. It should be my feelings for the other person. My dedication. My commitment. The joy that I would be willing to give.
Not my writing.
This is why I think I must do this. Amy had never once asked me to see any of what I've written, which is quite surprising considering that every girl I've dated who I mentioned writing to; has asked to see what I'm capable of.
But not Amy. Not because I don't think she cares, but because I think she doesn't have any idea that I'm a bit more serious about it than she might be supposing.
A lot of people out there say they fancy themselves a writer. Or a painter. Or a musician. And they're pretty half-assed about those passions of theirs. It's easy to understand why Amy would have written my scribblings off as another "half-assed" kind of hobby that I don't really have my heart in.
The hundred plus pages that I plan on giving her Sunday night, will prove otherwise.
I don't expect to change her mind with any of it. I am still going to be looking for people to date. But I at least will feel good about knowing that I've poured almost everything I have into another human being and that I can walk away knowing it wasn't enough. Rather than wondering what I could have done. I'd have already done.
Before it's too late.
What kind of scares me while writing this, is wondering about the alternate possibility. What IF she does change her mind? Dumps the guy, gives me her fullest attention and desire for a relationship? What then? Can I possibly live up to the promises that I am implying? Can I measure up to her standards and expectations? Will she measure up to mine?
It's scary to think about how uncertain the future really is. I do not want her to dump the guy, be with me and then things go sour down the road. I know I will be blamed for it and that is not what I want to have happen.
I don't want to stand in the way of true love.
I'm just not convinced that this guy she met, is .. well.. the one for her. I'm not. I don't know what he looks like, how much money he has, or what their connection is like -- and I don't care. I don't want to know.
But he must really be something if I'm getting the shaft like this. I just hate to think of Amy getting her heart broken by this dude. Or sleeping with him on the 2nd date.
I.. feel.. I don't know. I don't feel like I own her. Or that she owes me something. Wait, that might not be true. I do feel that she owes me something.
She owes me a fair chance.
That is what Sunday night will end up being as we watch the movie and I hand this package to her as she walks out the door.
That will be my last chance at anything. If we can't have sex, then this is the next best thing.
I hope it all works out. Not because I've been starved for a partner like Amy, but because I like to think that my journey needs to come to an end.
I'm tired of dating. I'm tired of drama. I'm just.. tired.
I want to love and be loved.
And have sex.
And spend my life with someone worthwhile.
Again.. walking forward with my head held high and speaking the truth of my heart, is all I can do.
I just want to live my life with someone worthy by my side.
I'm so tired.
