A Day In The Life Of...

 I feel so dead inside. Another day of nothingness. No traction towards anything. Nothing good being reported on the news and nothing of interest online that I could find despite spending hours today looking at multiple forums and videos and Telegram groups.

I feel like I am done. Well and truly done with this place. I had thought a few days ago to write down a list of all the small/medium/big things that have been tormenting me during the time I've begun living with my mother but it would have been such a big list.

I'll try and describe how it went for me today, which is nearly identical to how it went for me yesterday and the day before that.

It starts with me waking up on a thin mattress in the basement. Slight hip pain, but I would rather be down here than in the bedroom next to my mother where she decided to decorate it herself. The window there also has parking lot floodlights aimed right at it. It is small and has no closet. Just a shelf where there are multiple random items my mom decided to place on it. Bars of soap, pictures, bathroom products, empty vases and nothing in that bedroom makes me feel like it is a place to call my own.

After waking up this morning and realizing that I was awake and alive in this world, it took about a minute before I felt a heaviness enter my chest causing me to cry. A couple of tears but this is how much I don't want to be here.

It wasn't even "morning" but 1pm around the time frame where my mother would not be home. She is usually out between noon and 2:30.

I come out of this basement which is loaded with food products and random items and have to physically push hard on the door with both hands to exit because it closes tight to the frame.

I then hear the welcoming creak of the floor where my mother who has ears like a bat, can hear where I am. Anywhere in the house. A creak upstairs will tell her I'm going to the one bathroom that we share, which is messy because of the items she places in it (floss dangling from the shelf). I go to the washroom, hear the creak and blow my nose but can't put the tissue in the garbage because my mother has the habit of placing a heavy jug of bath salt right on the lid and it can't be opened without it being removed. She does this frequently.

The bathroom lights emit an audible hum as I put my contacts in. Careful not to dry my hands on any of the four towels there because all of them are either dirty and/or have my mother's white hairs on them which covers my hand and keeps me from putting in a clean contact lens.

The floor creaks on the way out and I go outside to sit in my chair which faces an apartment complex where six balconies are directly facing into the yard. I immediately see two people sitting and looking down at me. In about twenty minutes, I see another couple on a higher balcony appear to sit down and play cards with each other for hours. Talking loudly all the while. They too can look down at me.

I pull out my phone to look at the news/emails/videos of the day. Eventually my mother arrives and slides the screen door open. This is something she does repeatedly throughout the day. Unexpectedly and often does odd things in the yard. Which isn't even a yard, but a fenced area with a concrete floor and no grass. My mother interrupts me repeatedly for no reason other than to constantly keep me on edge because I never know when she will slide that screen door open and say something. Even if it is to let our cat out, she will make loud baby noises which the people in the apartment complex can look down and hear.

Today the couple at the highest balcony actually talked down to us commenting on our cat. 

There is no privacy outside. Inside, I have no privacy either. All I have is a small basement with no place to sit except to lay on a thin mattress.

Because of how small the townhouse is, I can't sit on the couch because my mother likes to make noise in the kitchen or watch game shows on the television, which drives me nuts. The same shows over and over and over. Family Feud and Let's Make a Deal which is... entertainment for the easily amused, to put it gently.

We then had to go pick up my car which ... I am getting sad writing this already. My mother created a fuss over the bill saying things like "that doesn't look right" even though I had explained it to her and so did the people inside. The sound of her voice is difficult to bear. Even worse is the level of intelligence and ignorance she is displaying in public. Not understanding a simple item despite it being explained several different ways and ... you could tell the people there did not want to have to deal with her.

Finally I get my car and leave to go to the park. Away from the noise in the yard where if people aren't talking on the balconies across from me, there are crows squawking loudly that my mother likes to throw food at, thereby encouraging them to visit frequently. It is not an uncommon sight to see meat and pieces of bread scattered in the small yard. The sound of transit buses zip by every 15-20 minutes due to how close we are to the bus stop and because of how thin the walls are, I can hear the neighbor next to us watch tv. If none of those things are happening, sometimes we get screaming children who are playing. Loud enough that a man on the balcony said "shut up!" to them yesterday. This is a regular and frequent occurrence.

At the park is where I get some peace, but not really. There are no spots at the park where I am not interrupted by a loud car going by and people looking at me as I sit and/or people having picnic being noisy with talking or loud music being played.

I spend hours here each day. To get away from the madness of this house I am living in. One that I did not want my mother to purchase but she purchased it anyways, without asking me what I thought. Just one day "I'm putting down an offer" without my having even seen it.

I knew once I did what a mistake it was to get that place. One bathroom, creaky floors, facing a wall of apartment balconies, constant noise, hard water, a front door that creaks and squeaks and is difficult to close...

The madness of it all added to by my mother, who is not in her right mind herself. Obsessed with food and a freezer/fridge that is completely full with fruit flies buzzing about because she likes to leave food on the counter without covering it or storing it away. A half eaten banana, a partially chewed apple, an uncovered pot of soup sitting for hours and hours.

And she doesn't use dish soap to do the dishes.

I hate it. I hate it so much that I have to leave and go to the park.

Today was a rainy and cloudy day so not many people there. It was quieter and I would watch videos on my phone. Searching for something interesting but not really finding much.

My mind feels like its reaching out for a lifeline. Somewhere, somehow and unable to find one. Day after day. I am filled with information about UFOs, the afterlife/NDEs, politics, religion and subjects pertaining to spirituality. I am demoralized by most news, but end up following it just the same.

Today I watched the new Max Igan video. There is never anything good on it. Max showed clips of how AI can mimic a real person and the conclusion now is that we cannot trust who calls us on the phone because AI in the hands of consumers can now mimic anyone with a few voice samples. This then extends to forgery in photos/videos/audio which may soon be rendered inadmissible in court. Because everything can be faked in this new technocratic dystopia.

Karlee messages me at around 4pm my time but took until 5pm today. We seem to be drifting apart. The last three days it felt like a distance was put up between us. I don't think it was my doing. Our conversations are becoming less and less interesting as Karlee is sharing less personal information about herself.

She has been gone for 9 days now and I do not know if we will ever see each other again. Despite how she asserted repeatedly that I would be welcome to stay with her once she gets her own place. But... my financial situation will not allow for a $10,000 visa to be purchased so I can live and work with her in Australia. 

I don't even know if I want to live under an even more totalitarianism society than the one I am presently in. Moving towards all digital everything. A social credit system. The people of Australia are "ruled" by the Labour party which is the equivalent of the Liberals we have here. Progressives pushing the LGBTQ agenda hard and subjecting innocent children to questions about gender and sexuality at very young ages. Indoctrinating and conditioning them to accept the government approved narrative of everything from changing one's gender to "climate change".

In the 1980s when I grew up, it was all about saving the trees. The Amazon rainforest was being cut down and the levels of carbon in our atmosphere was going up because not enough trees were around to convert it all into oxygen. Fast forward to 2023 and we are now using paper straws and paper utensils and paper bags instead of plastic. Why? Because they want us off of oil and gas and are electrifying the grid. Turning everything into ones and zeros for an AI to have complete control of. 

They can now "kill" people at the push of a button. Rendering their access to medical services, transportation, money and jobs non-existent should such an individual is deemed a problem to have to deal with. This is the plan all along. Dissidents will be eliminated without firing a single shot.

I spend hours at the park thinking about such things. Listening to podcasts, reading articles and watching videos that all expose the corruption of the world we are living in. Hearing how we are in the "end times" and that aliens are being exposed and the population being intentionally reduced.

It is madness both in my personal life and in the world at large.

And Australia is further along than most Western countries in exacting total control over the lives of its civilians. 

It feels like there are no safe havens. Except for perhaps Mexico.

Throughout all this I am in despair, knowing how close I was to getting all of my debts paid and able to keep my own place with plenty of money left over for a new vehicle and a year or two of not having to work if need be.

But it did not work out that way. Because I woke up too late one day and didn't sell the Gamestop stocks when I should have. 

I curse myself and grieve and feel despair and hopelessness. I am caught in this loop of sameness. Wake up, feel sad, sit outside, go to the park until late and come home when my mother is asleep so as to minimize contact with her.

As good of a writer I can be at times, I cannot capture all the details that make my life so empty and bland and much like a hell.

I loved my peace and privacy and independence. Now, I skip breakfast and have to eat the dirty food my mom prepares. Suffer the shame of taking money from her. I cannot even put into words how it feels to be given twenty dollars and told to buy myself dinner. Oh, and do I need more money? How much? ... My mother is doing well with having sold my old place. She has plenty of money to get by with. She did not save for retirement and this is her reward. 

Living with me. Her "sunshine" that she is enjoying my being made completely dependent on her.

Neither of my parents suggested while I was in my 20s to get a place of my own. Nobody said a word. Had I been encouraged to do so, I would have been able to afford a good home under my own name with low mortgage payments. Now, it is impossible to reclaim what I once had. Especially because I no longer am working.

Which is another subject altogether and one I cannot hope to do justice with words. There are not enough words to explain my working situation. How I worked for 20 years doing hard labor in dirty and uncomfortable and dangerous situations as an insulator. Physically demanding and life threatening work. I got gassed at the the Suncor plant years ago and had to be hospitalized. It was demoralizing and disheartening work. I was happy to have had success in the stock market in 2020 until it all fell apart.

Now I have no options. I refuse to participate in this slave system. The world is crumbling and falling apart at the seams and we are to continue the illusion? 

I am thirsting for answers. I believe in Jesus and not necessarily the biblical depiction of him. I believe in God but feel the Bible has been designed for us as was the Quran.

These are control systems of the soul. Economic servitude is another control system. 

We are all slaves on this "ball" of dirt we call Earth. Here to learn "lessons" according to several spiritual gurus, channellers and those that have experienced death who have come back to describe what they have learned.

Karlee and I had this in common. Thinking about death and leaving this for good. I cannot talk with her any longer about the negative things going on in the world because she has two children and is in an abusive relationship. She needs all the hope and optimism she can get.

And all that is on my mind each and everyday is the negative. The loss of faith in humanity for allowing itself to get so manipulated by corrupt politicians, "experts" and the media. The majority by now should know how to exercise discernment and critical thinking, but many do not.

I don't want to share a world with these types of people. I am doing my best to accept that they aren't capable of questioning the world or themselves but it is so hard. So demoralizing and so lonely to accept that I seem to be the sane one who knows what is going on.

Mostly. I am still learning and studying and researching to know all of the details.

But this is what I do each day. Wake up, sit outside, go to the park until late and come home. 

There are so many details I am leaving out. The flies that constantly buzz around outside, the destruction of my credit score, the dental work I need done but can't afford, the old glasses I wear that hasn't been updated, the hearing aids that will eventually need to be replaced to the tune of thousands of dollars...

And my inability to travel and move about freely. I am stuck within a small section of Edmonton, a city I have loathed for years due to the potholes and constant mass of immigration coming through. At the Tim Hortons close by, it is routine for me to be the only white guy in the place. It is often filled with noisy Muslims who are sometimes dressed in their worship clothes. 

Nothing against Muslims but I am a stranger in the city of my birth. I no longer fit in.

Fort Saskatchewan was so much better but my mother refused to move there and live in a much nicer place. Because it was unfamiliar to her and she has "haircuts" she wants to do. Which is about 1 haircut a week, if that and...

Fuck I hate it... I am living with someone so incompatible with me and that is my own mother.

It is like a radio station I refuse to tune into. Her way of thinking is... 

I am so tired. I don't want to be critical of her or other people.

And I internalize all this anguish. Blaming myself. Blaming myself for not making the moves I needed to make at the time they needed to be done.

Because I could have avoided all of this.

Karlee and I appear to be drifting now. I don't blame her. When could I ever get to Australia? Was she really serious about us living together? If I do move there, would I be any happier? Would I feel independent? Would she make me happy and I, her?

There is so much I haven't written down. How it all went with us during those two weeks. 

She is such a beautiful soul. She has been through so much. She doesn't deserve the life she has to suffer through.

Neither do I.

Each day I think about how to get out of this and I am only left with one idea. Win the lottery. I am willing to accept divine intervention. I NEED divine intervention at this point.

Yet my mind is conflicted about who exactly is in charge of this place. Evil. Evil must be in charge. It is written in scripture. How could Satan tempt Jesus with all the kingdoms of the world if he didn't have that power to grant him such riches? It is even said in Bible that "Satan is the ruler of this world" and the Cathars agree to the same.

I am going off such serious tangents with this entry. My day starts and ends pretty much the same. 

I am caught in a trap. A loop of nothingness. Of sameness. Of hopelessness and a lack of direction.

My faith has crumbled.

But something remains. There is still a light flickering in my soul. 

I still believe in a Creator. A good God. A place in the universe that is filled with good smart people who aren't so easily fooled and want the best for one another. A world that doesn't demand us to have to pay to survive in it. A world that embraces imagination and creativity and the arts. A place where truth and beauty is revered. Where honesty and compassion prevails. Where suffering is minimized and freedom is given the highest priority.

A world where one could have the basic necessities of life provided, free of charge. Shelter, clothing, food, medical care and education.

Failing that, there are spiritual realms where existence isn't as fragile and disrespected like ours is.

Realms where we could fly and converse with unique forms of life. Places where we can live in happiness and harmony with shared values.

Places where there is not so much corruption and evil as it is here.

I am tired of this place. I do not belong here. I am thankful for my childhood, for the wonderful movies and books and music that has given me immense joy over those years.

There no longer are any new movies, books and music being made that stir my soul the way they once did. Everything is politicized with a social agenda attached. Nothing is coming from the heart because everything is coming from a place of wanting money and to get certain messages across.

The holy spirit has withdrawn itself from our nation. Western countries are no longer under its protection and guidance.

We are living in these mad times. I am living in a mad house.

Upon a mad world filled with mad people.

Every day has been almost identical to the last.

I've had enough. I need help. I need a miracle.

I need my father to whom I cry out to on a daily basis.

I want to go home.

I want to be loved and to love.

Is anyone or anything reading this?

Please respond if you are.

Please help me somehow.

Please.

I need a miracle.

I deserve one.

There are people including myself that I want to help.

Millions in the lottery would do it.

If it wasn't rigged.

But I believe divinity has its ways and is full of surprises.

The time to surprise is now.

I cannot send a distress signal any louder than this.

I am running on fumes and my reservoir is empty.

There is no reason for me to be here.

Please Father.

And those who serve Him. 

Heed my cries.

And know that I will follow and sing your praises to the end of my life.

Should a hand be offered.

Is anyone there?

The Eternal Womb

 It's days like today where I feel like I want to die and leave this world.

This morning I got up with remnants of a dream in my mind which had me thinking about the nature of dreaming and contemplating whether or not this is what the state of death would appear like.

Worlds that we create, placing ourselves in scenarios that are interesting and often elicit an emotional response.

The dream that I had today was about me evading capture by some force and I was running through a multitude of different rooms sliding and hiding and thinking I was clever in how I was making it through.

But it prompted thoughts about what the heck dreaming is even supposed to be. Why is it that we don't recognize we are in a dream? Do we not look around at the surreal environment/situation and think, "hey, I don't think I'm on Earth anymore." and this is how lucid dreaming can work, except for the most part, we carry on inside of a dream like it was reality. 

Oddly with my dream, I was fast and physical which isn't likely to happen in "real life" so... why was I so captured by the illusion enough that I felt myself thinking it was all "real" and then awake to find I only had fragments of memory regarding it?

It reminds me of how we get memory-wiped during each re-incarnation and how well it translates to the dream state. It seems that a similar process works while we sleep as well. We die to this world to emerge in another and we carry on as if nothing has changed. Sometimes we get superhuman abilities and face improbable and imaginative situations but each morning we awake with but a fraction of what transpired and carry on like the dream-state held no significance whatsoever.

Maybe we created that world? What does that say about how we are now in this waking state? Are we inside of a collective dream and the personal dreams are of our own making?

As above, so below. As within, so without.

But yes, I felt like dying today. I am quite tired of this place. I do not see a way out from the situation that I am in. Living with my mother in a small townhouse, subjected to constant noise and irritations and not having the responsibility of even deciding what I would eat as my meal each day or caring about anything like a job or future ambitions of any kind.

It's... detachment. I've detached from this world because I no longer want to participate in what is so obviously a realm that has been hijacked by nefarious actors. It is well known at this point the puppeteers have been engineering/herding humanity around for as long as history has been written. Whether it is through genetic manipulation in which we prove Darwin's theory of evolution to be incorrect in that we do not have a transitional human form or the various control systems (religions) designed to keep us docile and subservient. 

We are either slaves or animals on a farm. Either of those possibilities are frightening.

In researching the afterlife, astral travelling and logically fitting the pieces together; I keep arriving to the one question that I can't find a suitable answer for.

Are we here by choice or coercion? Did we agree to incarnate on this planet, and if so, was it done with the full information of knowing what we would be facing if we did? If we did not agree, were we tricked? Fooled into incarnating? 

Is Earth our true home or is it merely one realm of several in which we could potentially inhabit once we choose re-birth? Should we fight for the planet we exist upon or should we endeavor to leave it behind in search of greener pastures?

Because my research has shown me that this is place has been hijacked and is manipulated by entities/intelligences that do not have the best interests of humanity at heart. Throughout history we find various clues such as the legend of Atlantis, the Tower of Babel and more recent examples such as in the mid-1800s where a "reset" appears to occur and civilization begins anew.

The board gets cleared and a new game begins.

I've studied enough to know that this is what is going on. Humanity is caught in a cycle of time where various epochs mark the rise and decline of empires. New races, new technologies, new ideologies and belief systems, political structures...

It feels now that it was all leading up to this moment. Nearly 8 billion human beings are facing a control system like never before thanks to the internet and cell phones. If everything goes digital including the transaction of money; we are facing enslavement as a species. Surveillance will ensure that everything we do online will be recorded and used to determine our worthiness to participate in the technocratic system that is emerging as I type.

We used to be able to jump into a car, hitchhike or make phone calls without any record of our movement or conversations. That has all changed. Phone calls, text messages and even the websites we visit are all recorded and held in a repository, tied to our personal profile to be used against us should we not be in compliance with whatever the governing body demands of us. If its paying our taxes, consuming limited amount of meat, travelling less, not complaining about the educational or medical system and so on and so forth.

We are moving towards a society in where we will become sheep. There will be no freedom like we used to enjoy. Our ancestors who have fought for "freedom" will have given up their lives only so that we could appreciate a temporary taste of it.

No longer are we producing art that inspires and uplifts. No longer are there movies or music or books and comics and television shows and plays that glorify the independent and ferocity of the human spirit. Instead, we are subjected to propaganda pieces that celebrate "diversity" which is tearing the fabric of civilization apart.

I do not want to live in a place like this. Like in Star Wars, I feel the walls of the garbage compactor closing in.

I long to be with those of my kind. Critical thinkers who have values like myself. Who believe in goodness. Who cherish and express notions like love, beauty, compassion, prosperity, freedom, justice and Truth.

This is not that world in which these things are honored.

I spent a good amount of time this morning going over my "structure" of belief in how I think the world works and what it is for. I was fitting pieces together that makes sense and the picture that emerges is one without a doubt that we are existing in a reality in which nefarious entities seek to exercise the control of all of us, reverting humanity back to a state of feudalism.

It should not be this way. 

Many near death experiences describe how we are here to learn "lessons" and to spiritually evolve into our best selves. To realize the fullness of our potential and to enjoy the life and bodies we have been given for this purpose.

In these times, we cannot hope as critically thinking and moral beings to evolve and grow in such a stifling atmosphere.

It begs one to wonder where is "God" in all this? Moreover, what IS God exactly?

I have my theories. Perhaps God is the network that connects all of our minds together. It is not simply an external deity weighing infinite power and has infinite awareness with the ability to shape reality as it sees fit.

Maybe humanity is God. Maybe the collective is the ocean and each of us are the drops that exist inside of it.

Either way, I feel like I am done with this place. 

Robbed of my dignity, my dreams, my happiness... I see little reason to press on. 

Do we exist as wage slaves? Constantly chasing the carrot dangled in front of us? The means for more money, more freedom, more more more?

If humanity had not been infiltrated by these entities/fallen angels, imagine where we could be right now? Had we built the pyramids, we would retain that knowledge to this day. Perhaps creating the means of being able to eliminate poverty on a global scale and maximizing the freedom each of us are entitled towards as sovereign beings of flesh and bone.

The inventor of the water-powered engine would not have been assassinated.

Nor would leaders like Gaddafi who fought to elevate the citizens of Libya would have been eliminated.

Christ may not have been crucified.

Murder would be treated as the most serious offense and wars would no longer be permissible as a means to circumvent the sacred right each of us have to life.

Abortion would be made illegal. Technologies would emerge that would cure cancer and many diseases. There would be innovations in birth control, transportation, engineering and the production of food such as it was with dwarf crops decades ago when we faced a food crisis.

Our educational system would no longer indoctrinate our children and instead will provide them with the necessary skills they need to become the best human beings they can be. Foraging in nature, learning to keep their bodies in good health, respect for the sanctity of life, developing within them a genuine curiosity and a desire to evolve themselves spiritually.

Instead, education serves to create slaves who cannot think for themselves. Rewarding rote memorization of facts rather than encouraging critical thinking and self-sufficiency.

From order to chaos. The systems must all collapse so that the cycle begins anew.

A new system that will be ever more efficient at creating docile sheep. Fortified by fake food and contaminated water that degrades the quality of our consciousness and makes our physical vehicles dependent upon the medical institutions where such places are only concerned with the making of money rather than to cure or improve upon the human condition, looking at it all from a holistic point of view.

Had we been left alone, this world would have eliminated poverty many years ago. Food, water, shelter, clothing, education and medical/dental care all would be deemed basic human rights so that we would no longer be struggling to fulfill the lower parts of Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

But we are not left alone. This world has been captured by beings that do not wish to reveal themselves to us. For evil operates in the shadows while goodness works in the light.

What is the point of living in a world that actively works to spiritually suppress us?

I've long believed that this was a consensus reality. If 51% of us agree on a certain way of being, it shall be.

But more than 51% of us appears oblivious and ill-informed on exactly what is going on. Many are content to pretend like the last three years is not anything to further investigate and put deep thought into contemplating. 

It is so obvious to me that we are manipulated and that our political "leaders" have been selected rather than democratically elected.

And it has always been this way. We now have the internet which has been invaluable in being able to research and confirm the facts of our enslavement.

Yet, we are held captive by distractions and responsibilities. Work, sleep, pay bills, watch television and sports and stare at the black rectangle in our hands. Doing things that do not inform us about the world in the little time that we have each day to introspect and contemplate such matters fully.

I am tired of this place.

Yet, I have some measure of faith that is ever-dwindling but cannot fully reduce. 

I believe there is great power within each of us and that the nature and plan of God is unknowable. At the same time, I have to wonder how much individual power we have. That I have, to be able to affect the desired changes in the world. 

A wise quote I remember reading suggested that in order to change the world we must endeavor to change ourselves. Be the change we wish to see.

And perhaps that is the solution.

Yet here I am, living with my mother, broke and broken.

There is no change I can affect other than these words of which I type.

I refuse to participate in my own slavery.

I yearn to be with Karlee and such a goal appears ever so distant and elusive.

I pray for the solution. The numbers that I know can unlock the keys of freedom and instantly restore that which has been taken from me.

But...

How is this to be done?

Will mercy be given?

Or do I first have to give it to myself?

Just how powerful am I exactly?

Is God within me?

Can the improbable become probable?

All these questions.

And I all I want is to go home.

Where I am loved and valued and in which I can love and value others also.

This is not that place.

May goodness somehow find its way to me.

Like it did with Karlee.

Amen.

My Australian Peach

 It finally happened. After meeting Karlee online in February, we spent two weeks together and it now has been about three days since we last saw each other.

I'm sad, of course. I love this woman and she loves me. I don't think I ever said "I love you" with as much ease and without any hesitation as I did with her. 

Yet, the truth is that she is over in Australia and I am here, in Canada. Almost 30 hours away by plane. Impossible to see her without a passport and money to be able to stay in Australia for any length of time to continue and develop our relationship.

It is disheartening to think about the distance between us. There is no way of either of us swinging by on a Saturday night to watch a movie together, to make love and wake up in the morning in the same bed.

These are difficult times as they are and both of us are in difficult circumstances in our lives. She is living with an abusive husband, young children with behavioral and developmental disorders and a medical condition that is at present, incurable and an omnipotent part of her daily life. 

She has a mother much like my own who relishes the creation of drama and strife in people's lives. Her mom even has the same breed of cat that mine does. 

We both met over our discontent over the state of the reality in which we inhabit. Her reasons are far more palpable and agreeable than my own yet we converge on general themes and ideas of why this world appears much like a farm for human energy that is populated by a robotic form of consciousness (NPCs) and possibly managed by what is popularly known as "aliens" which are in essence, avatars of the operating system tasked with keeping it running. This also includes the astral realm where technology is used to coerce and persuade the recently deceased to come to Earth for another round of life in a new body under the pretenses of having a "mission" to fulfill or "learning" to be done.

It is no secret that I feel like I have been manipulated by this place enough. I have felt betrayed by the forces I have long prayed towards and sought assistance from. I have reached the bottom of the pit by having to live with my money and going through bankruptcy with no real hope in sight for getting my life back to the way it was.

No hope that is, until I met Karlee.

It was a year ago I drove around outside of town looking for a suitable place to hang myself because I no longer wanted anything more to do with this life. I have spent considerable time looking at Near Death Experiences and putting pieces together to get a good sense of what the afterlife is and what our purposes are for being on this planet. 

I thought I was done and treated my life according to that fact. I no longer cared about work, about love, about money or sex or family or friends or ambitions. I had already mentally and spiritually checked myself out from this place and was making preparations for my physical exit.

Each day I was reminded in many ways big and small of how pointless this existence is. The majority of people who did not seem to acknowledge the manipulation and destruction of Western society through political means and media/corporate ideology. The purple haired heavily tattooed liberal feminist woman was the template by which I directed my contempt towards and the men that turned a blind eye to the degradation and ethical erosion of our society.

Each day I thought about the looming financial collapse, intentionally caused inflation, the weaponization of compassion servicing the LGBTQ+ movement and so on and so forth. I was thoroughly demoralized and without optimism for the future of humanity. Both my inner and outer worlds were collapsing and I wanted nothing more to do with the slave system I found myself in, run by cattle and the politicians and media personalities that herd them.

And then I met Karlee. This sweet strong lady who has endured so much struggle and heartache who decided to fly all the way here to come see me. Booking us Airbnbs to stay at for two weeks.

I have never felt more grateful for anyone in my life. Karlee was a gift that came out of nowhere. 

Those two weeks were magical and when they ended, felt like we emerged from a dream to be back to the way we were.

Back to this grotesque excuse for "reality" where everyone is struggling to earn enough money to be able to put food on the table and a roof over their heads while paying for their car, the insurance on their car, medical expenses, taxes, bills and so on and so forth.

Just working to survive. Chasing those dollars. Focusing on the superficial and ignoring the deeper questions of what type of world this really is and who runs it and why we are here.

 Karlee and I aren't exempt from the need to earn money to survive but we at least are asking and exploring the important questions.

Our time together started off nice and slow with me happily reminding her after a few days that we aren't even at the halfway mark and that we still had over a week left to go. Then, at the halfway point it felt like everything accelerated until the last day when we said our tearful farewells in the car and at the airport.

We both hate this place. Our bodies. Our circumstances. 

But together, hardly any of our complaints were a focus of conversation and that was a nourishing and satisfying way of being. Just being present. Cooking, cleaning, travelling, talking, kissing, touching, having sex... it was a window into another life. A look at the potential of our relationship.

And yet, we are so far apart from one another that it will be difficult to continue on without my going to Australia and settling down with her.

I don't know what to say... I want it to happen but a visa to Australia costs almost $10,000 if I plan on staying for more than a few months. That's for a work visa. A partner visa requires marriage and is about $10,000 also. I don't have the money for it and yet Karlee is optimistic and suggests we both can save and work together to make it happen.

But it's tough. Who knows how many months it will be before that happens. She has separated from her husband months ago and will soon be entering a stressful phase of legal battles to gain her freedom. It won't be easy. 

I am feeling so mixed about all of this. I know I want to be with her but in Australia? NWO central? Where they refuse organ transplants to the unvaccinated and have set up quarantine "camps" that they stuffed hundreds of people in during the pandemic? I followed one fellow who I knew ended up in that place and his account is no longer active. There's been no follow-up after he has been released.

IF he has been released. 

His website is no longer active also, in addition to his Twitter account.

So it's not good what is happening in this world. A part of me is completely done with it all and wants a conscious exit where I will assert my will and demand answers from whatever greets me on the other side. Continuing on living means further pain, heartbreak, loss of dignity, lack of purpose and who knows what else if I don't have some sort of epiphany or divine intervention involved.

And I'm hoping for divine intervention. I don't care from what direction it comes but I want and need a huge sum of money to get me back on my feet to seek my independence. Not just for myself, but for Karlee also and the few people I know who are awake and are going through difficult periods of financial hardship.

I want and will help those in need like myself. I cannot help everyone but I can help the handful of folks I know who will greatly benefit from having a good sum of money in their pockets to try and exist a little longer in this crazy reality we are in.

The supposed "end" times. 

Daily I've been watching the news and reading articles about what is going on. All manner of speculation and ideas have been digested and considered. The grand puzzle that I am piecing together is revealing itself to be an anti-human agenda where the freedoms we once enjoyed are being curtailed under the guise of ESG and anti-racist behavior. 

My personal outlook is a bleak one given the majority of us are jabbed and oblivious to what is going on. If this was a spiritual democracy, the majority appear to be in favor of being told what to do and are easily duped by media and political narratives.

Today I took the step of accepting all of this. My deplorable situation, the people in my environment, the political garbage being spewed out and its been a difficult and ongoing process.

But I have made some progress. 

There are really only two options for me. To live and to thrive, or to continue as I am and to prepare to die -- or at least, not participate for as long as I can until I pass.

The former is what I should be striving towards, the latter is a path to destruction and utter destitution.

Yet, I am constantly reminded of the home I once lived in. In private, decorated exactly the way I wanted it, choosing the food I want to eat, spending my time the way I want to spend it.

And it sucks having those memories. Those regrets of not cashing out my stocks the moment I saw them going down. I would have had 200k to pay off all my debts with about 90k left over for a new car and the chance to travel to places. Perhaps even to leave the country and move elsewhere.

But it all went to shit.

I'd like to say that there is no one and nothing to blame but myself yet I don't think that is completely accurate. I know external forces were at play during this critical period of my life. I remember well how I was compelled to go to that cabin near St Paul to drop off all the items that I did. I remember how it didn't make sense to take two passports with me and I did, only to somehow lose them along the journey.

I remember that feeling of being stranded out there in the middle of nowhere at 2am, cold and feeling this negative energy pressing itself down onto me. Feeling the push of forces that I could not see. I have no explanation for why it all happened the way it did. Unless it was done to purposefully cripple me so that I would not be able to follow the path that would have led me towards a grander purpose and meaning for my life and to benefit humankind with.

It shook my faith in a way I did not expect. Sending me into the depths of a darkness I could not have anticipated. 

And that is where I am right now. In the dark. Karlee is gone and it is up for me to seek the light of an exit that will get me out from this mess.

The real question is how do I achieve it with the crippling of my faith? I believed in God. I believe in the values of Truth, Love, Beauty, Compassion, Justice, Prosperity and Freedom for all that is ostensibly represented by this cosmic creator, this grand architect.

This post is serving a dual purpose. I want to to encapsulate my thoughts and to broadcast them out in the hopes that somehow they will reach the right destination. 

I need and require a miracle. For months now I have been thinking the only possibility left for me is winning a large jackpot in the lottery. 1, 6, 9, 11, 25, 44 are the numbers I've been playing since about March. I do not know if they will win and I am open to trying other numbers should somehow they reveal themselves to me and they have... 

11, 16, 24, 26, 42, 44 all entered my mind yesterday.

I believe there are powerful forces at play within our world. Forces that can receive messages like this and enable miracles to happen. I have suffered long enough. I want it to end. 

I want to win the lottery.

I'm ready for it. As crazy as the odds are, I believe it is possible even if the system is rigged.

I believe the past, present and future all exist simultaneously on a level unseen to us humans. 

I believe in goodness. I believe in mercy and compassion.

I believe there exists a higher force that can enable such miracles to happen. I've experienced many strange things in my life that have disrupted and shaped my understanding of what is possible in this world.

I did meet Karlee after all. At a time when I thought myself to be finished with relationships and have given up on love.

Yet, somehow we came together. Somehow we spent two weeks together in person.

And it was glorious.

It was a miracle.

Now I need a bigger one to help deliver the two of us. Six million dollars is the perfect amount for me to help those I know who are in need and to ensure my continued survival as well as Karlee.

Six million dollars... Even one million is fine, but six is absolutely perfect.

I am waiting.

The grand architect sees all.

Don't let me down again, please.

I will not take it for granted.

Thank you.

Lives are hanging in the balance depending on it.

The ball is in your court.

The Carousel

 I'm so tired of all this. I keep saying it over and over. I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home.

But where is home? It's not where I currently am living. Under the same roof with my mother.

It's pathetic how my life has turned out. All those years of working to build up nearly 100k in credit and it's all about go down the drain from a bankruptcy.

All because I "listened" to my heart... or thought I did, and didn't immediately cash out my stocks at the time I should have. When I had 200k in my portfolio, 10k short of my goal.

I remember those times well. My life changed in two days. That's how short of a window of time it was.

If I knew then what I knew now... well, things would be a lot different.

I don't belong here in this place. I'm feeling like its all done with. Where's the bright future for any of us on the horizon? Is there even a decent future to look forward to?

Music is not the same as it was. Neither are movies or television shows. No heart in them. Most have agendas attached or scripts that appear to have been written by an artificial intelligence.

I've seen a while ago that a fellow is selling AI-generated books for children. How sad is that? The death of human creativity and people are gleefully cashing in on it.

Everything good is going to shit.

And it's all by design. Which most people aren't paying any attention towards. Choosing instead to live in their little bubble, forgetting the importance of learning why they are here and who is pulling the strings of this place.

I'm embarrassed by what humanity has become. By what I've become. 

Just about every channel on my YouTube feed is of someone prepping or talking about prepping or how the world is on the verge of collapse. Nothing else is being talked about because there's nothing else to be interested in. Nothing else is more important than what is going on geopolitically right now.

Our lives are heading towards a paradigm shift of massive proportions and ...

I'm not prepared for any of it despite knowing all this three years ago it was going to get bad.

Now it's even worse. No money at all. No job. Living with my mother.

No place to call my own. No privacy.

I can't see a future worth living for other than with a woman that I love.

And I don't know if I love her yet.

92 more days to go and we will see.

If it doesn't work out... 

Well, what's the point of even being here.

Is it worth living as a slave? Take all the recommended DNA-altering shots? Abiding by a cashless social-credit system? Eat bugs? Be priced out of ever owning a home? Own nothing and be happy?

The picture being painted by the powers that be is stark and without ambiguity. They want to control humanity. It really is not hyperbole. If there are videos about monitoring the brainwaves of people at work so that they don't commit crimes, well what else is it if it isn't about control? About servitude?

As a child I was fascinated by the book of Revelation. Didn't think I'd be living it in my lifetime.

At the same time, how much have we been lied to? Including about religion and who wrote these gospels we are expected to put complete faith into?

So many lies in this world. So much deception being pushed out. Everyday is a new catastrophe or event designed to scare, to destabilize, to control, take over, manipulate.

These are either the end times as prophesized or the "ruler" of this world is following a blueprint and its the book of Revelation.

Why aren't our world "leaders" at all concerned about what is going on? Why are they so gleefully executing the agenda without a thought given towards spiritual consequence?

I think I know why.

How did I end up here? What is my role to play? Two years ago I had prepared in advance of most people. I could see hard times were going to come. Stocked up on food, gold, silver, crypto...

And now I have almost nothing. 

Nothing but the hopes hanging on a woman coming to see me in July.

Well... 

I also still believe in God our Father.

The TRUE Father... who is accompanied by the Holy Spirit (Mother) and the Son (child) that compromises the Trinity which is the basic structure of how duality in this system works. Black, white and grey, positive, negative and neutral.

And yet though I cling onto the tattered remnants of my faith, I... can't help but wonder why this is all allowed to happen. Is it because... on a personal level, is it because I was misled? Deceived? That perhaps this place I am in is not ruled by a benevolent entity and is instead...

Ruled by the devil himself?

This is what Jesus spoke of in the book, how he was tempted by Satan who brought him to a hilltop and showed him all the kingdoms of the world saying that it would all be his if he would bow down before him.

Interestingly, as much as religion is marred by corruption and deception, I am believing this part.

Christ said for us to be in this world, not of it. Do not attach ourselves to anything material, all of which is but temporary and meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

I recall how I clung onto the material when I had my old place. How I prepped. 

And yet... 

Was I not ensuring my own survival and safety?

Why has it all been taken away?

What have I done to deserve such a fate?

I remember well those two days. I did my best. Prayed with intensity and gratitude and with complete faith.

And this is where I ended up.

With my mother.

And prayers that appear to be going unanswered.

Despite all this and unlike Job, I will not curse or complain about the Father who has given me the spark of life within. Despite how my consciousness has shrunk from how it was, my hopes and dreams shattered, I cannot bring it within me to curse where I directed and placed my faith.

I'm so tired of all this. This world is insane and the people who are oblivious are even more deranged than they know.

Yesterday I saw a homeless person dig through the garbage looking for food. His bare ass was hanging out of his pants.

This world is... Not what it could and should be.

We are... and have been for centuries, manipulated into the circumstances we presently are in.

Any good historian worth his/her salt knows that history is written by the victors. The two World Wars are not what we are told they were. Their true purpose obscured and excluded from the history books.

But there are fragments of truth scattered about enough to piece together the big picture.

I think of William Bramley who wrote "Gods of Eden" and ... his hypothesis is convincing and likely highly accurate of who really runs this place.

If one is in hell, how would they know? How can they get out?

Jesus, whether a real or literary figure offers advice. The Nag Hammadi texts offered further insight into what he was actually here for. To teach us the way out of this hell we're in.

Love was his overarching message but really, it was about liberating ourselves. From attachments, from desires of the flesh and the flesh itself.

For we are all sons and daughters of God. The church has lied to us about his message. It does not explore it in the detail it requires. Nor does it allow for any of the books inside the library of the Vatican to be released to the public. Why is that? In this digital age one can scan and release ALL of what it contains.

But they won't because they are hiding the truth. They do not want it known.

Look at the Vatican hall. It resembles a serpent with eyes and fangs.

This place is hell.

Yet...

The Father is above all of this. Waiting for us to return home.

Even the most wretched among us can walk into the gates of heaven should they be of sufficient desire and faith enough to reach it.

Still though, the Cathars were onto something. They knew early on that the Christ as taught by the church was not the true Christ that they have known it to be.

I personally think of Christ as a spirit able to occupy the hearts of mankind. Jesus was the vehicle for such energy to express itself out into the world. He was perfect for this expression alone.

And I myself have experienced such energies.

Yet... As I sit on my mother's couch typing away my thoughts, I have never felt so absent and disconnected from these energies and the world around me that I cannot find much reason to be here for much longer.

Except.. for the possibility of finding love.

As pathetic as it sounds. All I care about is... loving and being loved.

That's it.

I should care about money. About independence. About navigating this world well enough to seize advantage and to spread out my blessings and gifts to the world. To help heal and elevate and transmute.

Yet... here I am on my mother's couch typing away.

Perhaps someone is reading this. Perhaps none are at all.

Just know this. Regardless of what happens in the world, we do not belong here. We belong elsewhere. Somewhere perfect and without flaw or blemish. A reality that respects existence and gives it purpose and meaning without having our minds erased between incarnations on this planet.

If it is even a planet.

Did we ever go to the moon? No. There is too much evidence against it.

So why the lie?

Because if we knew what this place really is, we would be horrified and unite amongst ourselves to banish that which is pulling the strings of the wealthy and powerful to do its bidding.

If we KNEW humanity had the cure for cancer or that free energy is possible and previously was used, we would demand such technologies be released. We would not stifle and suppress and coerce or threaten those who have made such important discoveries.

But we cannot, for we are ants and we have been divided up into so many pieces that unification despite our great numbers, is difficult to attain.

Had we listened to the words of Jesus and valued love, truth, beauty, compassion, prosperity, justice and freedom; we would not have allowed such evil to infiltrate the upper echelons on the hierarchal pyramid of power that is controlling this place.

He who has the money makes the rules.

That's all it is. 

Anyone who is a threat that somehow manages to make it to a high level of influence and power WILL get approach and dealt with if they choose not to play ball.

This by itself means... We cannot rely on a single individual to save us.

We must save ourselves.

At the same time, save ourselves for what?

For more heartache, more pain, to decorate the walls of our prison cell a little more tastefully so that we are comfortable and secure?

I pray for a miracle each and every day. I... 

I hope it gets answered.

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done,

On Earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day, our daily bread,

And forgive us our trespasses.

As we forgive those who trespass against us,

Deliver us not into temptation,

But deliver us from evil, 

Amen.

Holy Father, Cosmic Creator, Supreme Intelligence, Maker and Master of the Universes,

Holy Mother, Spirit, Soul and Spark,

Yeshua the Christ, the son, the wise and enlightened one.

We call upon you.

NOW is the time. 

For miracles to begin.

Let us heal this world first by healing ourselves.

Let us light the candle of others by nurturing our own flames.

Let us become the change we wish to see in the world.

Let us be guided by the principles of love, beauty, truth, compassion, prosperity, freedom and justice.

Let humanity be allowed to elevate itself.

Let those that hinder and stifle our progress to wither away with impotence.

Let that which binds us to this perpetual cycle of suffering and death and slavery and deception to release its shackles upon us.

Let us be free.

From this world and the life of the next if we so choose.

Let us be with you, Eternal Father/Mother and Child.

Outside of this deranged terrarium.

Where evil reigns atop its hidden throne of darkness.

Let there be light.

Let there be peace.

Let there be heaven here, as it is in the Pleoroma.

Let us out of this place.

Let us out.

Allow us to choose our destiny.

Allow me to succeed, somehow.

To realize my purpose and to share it with the world.

I pray for a miracle. I pray for intervention.

I pray for myself.

So that I may help heal the world.

Through good works.

And good words.

Thank you.

I am waiting for your reply.

Get us off this carousel.

The time has come.

Falling Forward and Back

 It continues on. The world is crumbling, banks are failing, interest rates are rising, inflation is ongoing.

Protests in France, Israel, Germany...

About a month ago there was all this drama about "Chinese spy balloons" with the Canadian military then saying that they shot down a "UFO" but decided against following up on it. The Pentagon saying that an "alien mothership" could be in our atmosphere makes this all the more absurd.

Get me off this stupid carousel of insanity already.

It's all going down the drain and so many are none the wiser.

About a month and a half ago I've reached the point of having little to no interest in living in this world. There's no future here. The veil has been ripped off and the wizard behind the curtain is sitting there smirking while he continues pulling his levers.

There was something that happened, though. I now have a reason to hang on. A few more months will be when someone special will arrive to see me.

I'm not going to get into details but... It's all I have going for myself at the moment.

Not a job, not a career, no home, no independence. 

Nothing but this one person is all I care about and looking forward to welcoming.

Each day is more or less the same. I get up late, close to the afternoon, take care of basic things and then head out to sit in my car for hours on end. Looking at my phone. Reading a book. Listening to music. Staring out the window and thinking.

Yesterday we had a lot of trails left by planes flying overhead. Waking up to a gorgeously blue sky turned into this ugly overcast afternoon once the trails spread out. 

Tired of this merry-go-around.

How people can walk around in this reality and not be affected is beyond me. 

The roads are getting worse. Potholes all over the place. 

I know its not just where I live but in many other cities and countries.

All that money-printing and we still can't keep our basic infrastructure in good shape. Can't help the homeless either. Food banks have long lines to them now as more people lose their jobs and aren't able to pay their bills.

I watched a video yesterday of a fellow in the States who is digging a little home for himself out in the middle of the woods. It was small and modest, maybe 20ft x 20ft. Had a little area for him to sleep in, start a campfire and cook his meals. Not much else.

I was impressed at his resourcefulness and simultaneously saddened by the state of affairs in the world today that necessitated him to have to construct such a shelter.

Because he can hardly afford to live anyplace else.

It's sad. The way everything else and unlikely to get much better.

My heart... is numb these days. I don't even care much to keep up with the news like I used to. What's the point? Nothing but negativity and bad things coming in each and every day. Corruption, treason, shootings, financial collapses... And to top it off, it's all coming from media companies that report only what they want us to see. Real investigative journalists who expose lies and corruption and holds politicians to account are a rare and dying breed. 

The world is changing like it or not. The values we used to uphold as a global collective are no longer in the forefront of our psyches and the directives of corporations and media.

Honesty. Compassion. Love. Trust. Justice. Accountability.

... I don't see where these values are reflected in the paradigm we are in.

It's tiring...

I just want to go home.

But, I at least have a few months to go before she arrives.

And go from there.

One day at a time.

One foot in front of another.

Forward and back. 

It Only Gets Worse

Before I began writing this post, I decided to look at the last one and realized that I came onto here to type what has already been said.

I hate it here. I don't like the food, the neighborhood, the place I am living in and... I'm unintentionally hurting my mother by keeping to myself. Not giving her my energies, my smile, my sense of humor...

There is nothing to smile or laugh about these days.

Earlier, I was looking at homes for sale on my phone. Anything to spark a dream within me. A log cabin somewhere remote with a woodburning fireplace and a decent amount of land. Couldn't find anything to excite my imagination. I then looked at places in Spain, in Poland, Finland, Czech Republic...

Nicaragua... Mexico...

Nothing. Even if I won millions of dollars tomorrow, I don't know if I could find a place I would want to live at. It wouldn't be too big, it would have a nice view, it would be in an English speaking community...

And... nothing... Nothing made me excited. My critical mind was thinking about how a certain home was too old, too remote, too small, too big...

I no longer feel like I belong here on this planet. I've reached that point. 

Yesterday I went for a birthday lunch for one of my cousins. There were about 12 of us there. My cousin Mark sat next to me and talked about his life... the amount of money he's making, the success he's having, the beer business he's running... he's getting married in Mexico next year and...

He's happy. Really happy. Him and his fiance held hands most of the time.

Good for him, except for one thing...

He doesn't know who the WEF is.

Doesn't realize what is going on in this world. Why handguns have been banned by Trudeau and who Trudeau is actually controlled by, including most of his cabinet.

Doesn't realize the censorship that is coming our way where we will NOT get to know the truth of what is really going on. Doesn't realize how many videos and articles critical of the "new world order" are disappearing by the day. Doesn't realize the extent of vaccine injuries. Doesn't realize that there is a psychological war being fought against us, admitted by our OWN government. 

Just the handgun ban alone should have given him food for thought. When citizenry are stripped of the means to defend themselves, it often precedes genocide and even greater tyranny being imposed upon them.

At this dinner, I felt disconnected from everyone there. Not a soul hasn't been duped by the lies inflicted upon us. I felt like I was living in one world and they were in another. Ignorance is truly bliss.

What happens when someone can spot evil coming from a mile away and has the logical argument or evidence to prove that it exists and is worthy of concern but no one around them are willing to listen to or head these warnings? What does one do when a cliff is pointed out ahead that lemmings are walking towards in a straight line but none will slow their pace to fully consider the danger looming ahead of them? 

I am distraught and disappointed and ashamed of many of the people that I know. 9/11 was one thing with building 7 "mysteriously" crashing down at free-fall speed without ever being hit by a plane but what happened in 2020 ought to be multiple times more obvious to the masses that it was an event designed to deceive and control us. 

Not only was it telegraphed with "agenda 21" and wargamed almost exactly how it unfolded just a few months prior to covid being reported in China but... the political response worldwide was absolutely strangely coordinated and hysterical... remember the death tickers on television? How many people were dying each and every day from this? Constantly in our faces.

I'm ashamed of most of the human race. On one level, I understand why some will not want to question the narrative being sold to them. On the other, it is everyone's duty to properly research and investigate such a bizarre situation. Lockdowns, masks, 15 days to slow the spread... ALL OF IT should have given the average person food for thought and an interest in seeking to better educate themselves on current events.

But no... people like my cousin after 3 years still does not know who the WEF is.

Unbelievable.

I'm tired... I don't feel like typing any longer...

I just want to go home.

Home to my eternal father up in heaven... to my eternal mother... and my eternal best friend... who understands and accepts me for who I am. 

I am the fullness. I am a child of the undivided light.

And I am sick of this place.

I want to go home.

Please take me home.  

Stumbling Blocks

Well, these are the times.

2022 has ended and with reflection, so much has happened in the last year that it is difficult to recall many of the events which taken place that has sowed fear, division, hope and prayers.. from the trucker convoy to the farmers protest in the Netherlands, the government reactions to those incidents, monkeypox...

It's all been so much to bear. 

It has been made even more difficult with the situation I am now in. Almost completely broke. Haven't worked in 3 years. Living with my mother who does not share my views, nor has any interest in what is really going on and spends her free time in front of the television or scrolling through cat videos on Facebook...

My reality is simple. I'm almost out of money. I cannot seem to find love. I no longer desire or feel capable of working at my old job and unsure if I could with the mandates in place.

I don't see a future for myself or for my country. I don't see the presence of God in my life at this time. I struggle to find reasons to be optimistic. I struggle to feel connected to the people I interact with. I struggle to find solutions to the crisis we are in. I struggle to find solutions for myself.

I struggle to see the point of my life looking back and noticing all the pain and trauma I've been through. The uncertainty. How close I was to paying off all of my debts but... I thanked God too early and... 

I've made poor decisions in life thinking I was doing my best. I dated a woman that was incompatible with my values for three years... three years of... distraction.

But there were moments of beauty and love and peace and bliss.

I don't know blog. I'm about as low as I can be without becoming homeless and living on the street.

I... can't even pick my own food to eat. My mother always makes something each day. Whether I'm in the mood for it or not and she often uses dirty dishes. Rarely if ever uses soap while washing them. Often puts greasy pans away on the shelf.

There is so much insanity in this world and I am living right in it. A prison inside of my home, my mind and this city that I absolutely do not want to be inside of which is so different than the place I was at before.

All I can do each day is... pretend. Pretend away the pain. Distract myself hunting for news on my phone, reading comments, watching videos hoping for some big event to happen like a solar flare that will wipe out all of our electronics or a pole shift or a catastrophe that will give me reason to hope for an end to all this suffering. Even if it means my own life.

I'm in a dark place. Where I loved humanity and had hope for my future, I feel the opposite now. I feel like... there's no point in any of this anymore. Is reincarnation real? Did I choose to be born at this time? In this body? This inability to hear other people well? This inability to find a loving supportive relationship? This inability to find my purpose in life? This inability to...

I'm tired of all this. I can write a list a mile long full of reasons and excuses for why I feel this way and I'm certain there will be many who will look at this list and nod with agreement.

And... I don't care to survive what appears to be coming our way. I can't find the silver lining other than to hope it all comes crashing down so that humanity will be able to "build back better" without the corrupt government and systems that have been oppressing us. 

Earlier today I was looking at a video about ChatGPT which is an AI program that can really do almost anything. It can write stories, come up with a business plan and summarize entire books into their key points. It is powerful technology and without a doubt our military and governments have something even more powerful behind closed doors that is being used without our knowledge.

ChatGPT confirms my suspicions that we are already being controlled by artificial intelligence. SkyNet is already here and active. We are in a war for our minds to accept communist ideas. To accept that a boy can be a girl and vice-versa no matter what age they are at. We are... being ideologically subverted and demoralized in the way that Yuri Bezmenov warned us more than 25 years ago.

We are at war but who is responsible? Does it matter?

The question is, how do we inoculate ourselves against this virus of the mind? How do we right the sinking ship? How can we do that with corrupt s-elections, corrupt politicians and an artificial intelligence that can censor whatever it likes on the internet that threatens the outcome being pursued?

We are both at war from within and from without. 

And it hurts my heart not to know what I can do to fight against it. To play my part. To realize my purpose.

I still pray each night but it has changed from how it used to be. It doesn't feel the same way. It feels more to the point. More uncertain. Sometimes I ask for release from this pain. Sometimes I ask to be given proof that I am being listened towards.

And there were moments in my life where I did see those signs. But not now it seems.

Not now.

I used to think I was meant to write a book and... I felt like it wouldn't be appreciated. I used to love writing my thoughts and now, not so much.

I feel like I've wasted my gifts. I feel like blaming God for not directing me towards where I needed to go. 

I feel like I might have had the wrong idea bout God in my mind all this time. Maybe he's impartial. Maybe God is really inside of each human being I meet and we are all linked together in a "cloud" that ultimately is what created us. For if we are creators and divine beings, this would make sense.

And... Nothing makes much sense anymore. Other than knowing that we are under attack and being corralled about like sheep by dark forces that we cannot see.

The best outcome from all this is everything will come crumbling down because distrust is growing stronger by the day. The worst outcome is the constant censorship and removal of information to the point where we will not be able to find the truth out about what is really happening in the world.

Menticide, they call it. Psychological warfare. Carl Jung spoke of his fears that humanity would develop weapons capable of causing massive damage to the human psyche. I think we are already there.

The antidote to fear is love but...

What is there to love anymore? When society is so fragmented, ignorant and... helpless... 

I used to love going for walks and looking at the sun. I no longer do. The sun is different. The winter is cold. The city I'm in feels hostile and oppressive and uninteresting.

It feels like everything I love is gone. 

I sometimes cry but... 

What's the point? Why dredge up more pain in myself? Why not numb myself?

I understand now why certain people are alcoholics and into drugs. To forget about the pain in this world. To forget their own suffering.

What future is there for me? Where can I place my hopes onto except for the accomplishment of a miracle? What would that miracle look like?

And... my imagination trips over its own feet thinking up unrealistic possibilities... although that is exactly what miracles are... they often elude the imagination. They just happen when they need to.

So, God... Creator... Heavenly Father, Holy Spirit, Yeshua the Christ and Redeemer... 

I could really use a miracle right now.

We all do.

From Dawn to Dusk

 It has been a few months and now I am completely settled into my mother's townhome in Edmonton where I do not want to be.

This place feels wrong. I knew it when she first showed it to me, the day she decided to buy it without asking for my opinion on what I thought of it. One single bathroom upstairs and a toilet in the basement. Nothing on the main floor. My bedroom is small and depressing to be in, it is often chilly at night and the window has no light coming in and a view of the parking lot.

I suppose I like the old trees around the property, but that is about it. One of them crosses by my bedroom window.

These are hard times. Not just economically because I can no longer work in my trade due to mandates, but it is hard mentally and spiritually. My mother is completely asleep. She will not welcome an intelligent discussion about the nature of our reality or can discuss the depths of how I am feeling and what I am concerned about. She spends her days watching reality shows like The Bachelor or game shows like Wheel of Fortune where she gets excited each time people win money.

Her life revolves around the television and eating food. She is a sensory creature and when asked if she thought there was life after death, she thinks there is nothing on the other side.

In short, my mother is... unlike me in every aspect I can think of. Oil and water and...

It hurts. I have trouble being around her. At least before when I had my own place, I could see her once a week and retain my sanity. Now, I see her every single day and I do not want to be here.

I don't want to be here anymore.

I am almost broke. My money is about all gone and I am in serious debt. I have no hope for my future to make a living. I do not want to be a part of this charade any longer the more I read and learn about what this world really is and how it operates.

And it makes me wonder if I had a million dollars right now, if I would feel any differently. Maybe I would. I would be happy to move out of this country and never come back. Spend my days by a beach. Sand in-between my toes, maybe a dog or a pet and... live a serene and peaceful life.

But I do not have a million dollars. All I have is a soul that cries out to the heavens for release from this madness. This... game we are all inside of. Some of us realize this what this place is but many do not. Many continue to believe what is on the television, many continue to believe in this system or that it is worth fighting for and maintaining.

I disagree. This was a beautiful place. I loved being out in nature, seeing the bright warm yellow sun, being by the river and watching the currents rolling by. No longer. The world has become grey and routine and difficult to bear.

It is not solely because of how I've changed but because of how much has happened in the last three years. We have had the curtain pulled aside and we can see those behind the scenes pulling the strings of our "leaders" and manipulating the elections. We see the evil exposed and being brought into the light. Some of us has protested, such as with the Freedom Convoy and some of us have sat at home, oblivious, playing our video games, watching our movies, doing stuff that doesn't really matter.

Myself, I have tried. When rallies produced nothing, when speaking to my family could not prevent them from taking the injections, I turned inward. I studied, learned as much as I could about what was going on. I knew it two years ago but each day since has only increased my worries and certainty that this is a world run by evil and those that are ignorant of it are by themselves complicit in how this all came about. 

Brazil, America, Australia, the UK, Canada, New Zealand... my God, it runs deep. The evil has been trying to corral human beings into a digital slavery system of central bank digital currencies, 15 minute cities, concentration camps... Yesterday I watched a video about babies being born in artificial wombs and how parents could alter their baby's genetics however way they wanted and can monitor remotely from an app on their phone. It is sick. Evil. Twisted manipulation of what it means to be a human being.

Everything is going to go digital and then there will be no freedom left once everyone's move is tracked, their spending controlled and they are restricted from going outside of their "zones" as how it is currently being implemented in Oxford, UK.

Australia is even worse. Recreational fishing is now punishable by up to 6 years in jail and thousands of dollars in fines. The digital ID system will make it so that you cannot even buy a cup of coffee at a cafe without a digital fingerprint. No more money can be given to the homeless. No more money can be spent on "unessentials" which will be decided by the government and decided by your social credit score and carbon footprint.

This is absolutely evil and... I have been watching it every day since March of 2020. It only grows worse and worse. Nothing is getting any better. Some of our freedoms have been restored but there are still those who ride around alone in their cars with a mask on their faces. The programming is deep. So many cannot seem to wake up to the scam being perpetuated upon us. The slow boiling of the frogs has long commenced and the water is now close to being scalding hot.

I have taken drastic shifts mentally and spiritually in preparing myself for the times to come. Where I was once optimistic and full of cheer and good energy, I... am now grim and restrained. I see the danger of all this and I have calculated the odds for humanity to pull through. It is not good. Those with money who are able to live outside of the cities, off-grid or being able to grow their own food among strong communities who value freedom and self-sufficiency have the best chances of success.

Even then, if money is removed from the system and replaced by digital dollars, I cannot foresee them making it through. Not when property taxes have to be paid, utilities and cell phone/internet bills. 

I am happy when I watch people like Curtis Stone who has gone off-grid outside of Kelowna. If any of humanity should pull through to the other side, I hope it will be men like him. He has the best chances out of all of us. Max Igan, Jeff Berwick... Neil Mckoy-Ward... and others might fare well.

They are the best and brightest of us. They deserve the success they've managed to create for themselves.

Myself... and others who are in a similar position, are not as fortunate.

How can one choose NOT to participate in this beast system? Where we are treated like animals to be tagged, tracked and told what to do and where we can go? What is the option for us who cannot afford to live off-grid and disconnect?

I believe there is no option. 

And I think you know what I mean by that.

For the past few months I have shifted my focus to learning about my soul. About the spirit. About where we go after we die and learning about those who have had near death experiences. I am understanding a side of reality that few choose to think about. I believe these are the times to inform ourselves of what lies upon the other side should we inevitably reach the point of no return where it is either homelessness and slavery or death.

Some of us are being pushed to make those decisions sooner than others.

That is why it is so important to understand who we are and where we come from. Understand what we believe in. Ask ourselves if what we believe in is correct and study it from multiple angles. I myself have been raised a skeptical Catholic. I knew from a young age that parts of the Bible did not make sense. But I also knew there was a God and that He/It was good and loves us. I just could not see that God in the Old Testament but I could feel it inside of my soul. I knew he was there.

It wasn't until I began looking into Gnosticism and the Apocryphon of John that I began to value Yeshua or Jesus more than I ever did. Regardless of whether or not he existed, his words DO exist and resonate through the ages. Most especially in Gnostic texts such as the Gospel of Thomas.

I believe his mission was to come here to teach us how to escape. It makes perfect sense, for he himself has said that the ruler of this world is evil. That our bodies are a prison and that the true home of our souls is elsewhere, not here. Not on this Earth.

And they killed him for it, took his teachings, perverted some of what he said, changed him into a judge and arbitrator of souls when contradictory passages exist to say that he did not come to judge us but to save the world. It brings into question Revelation, also, as a text that is worth a critical examination. Will he return? What would happen if he does? How will we know it is him? Will everything be magically fixed once he does? Will the rapture happen? Will the tares be separated from the wheat?

Or are we all being lead into slaughter by words that he himself did not write or speak of. Are we going to be placing our hopes into the hands of "John" who wrote the book of Revelation while locked inside of a prison and claiming that they are true and accurate visions of the future?

So much of the book appears to be coming true right now but it is easy to not consider that it might be a set-up. A script. A blueprint being followed and carried out purposefully. There is no question that a great evil exists upon this planet and that dark forces are pulling the strings. Absolutely no question about that at all. Mind-controlled robots. Psychopaths without conscience. Hypocrites of the highest order imaginable.

Perversion of justice and the officers who have sworn to protect us. 

We can no longer place our trust into anything external. We cannot magically hope for a sudden reversal of the economy, the restoration of human rights, the elimination of inflation, high-interest rates and so on.

Our children are still being indoctrinated in schools to believe all the wrong things about the world they are being prepared to enter. They are being read stories by men dressed up as women and cheered on by clueless "woke" mothers who think they are somehow being inclusive to what is a dark agenda being carried out right in front of their faces.

Few people know the truth of how bad it really is. Maybe that is why some choose not to face it. Maybe that is why people like my mother can only watch game shows all day and distract herself with food and shopping and doing haircuts for people.

Because if she really knew... If everyone really knew...

They would be horrified.

Just like I have been. Just like I am now.

There is so much going on that it isn't just politics and the economy we need to worry about. We are being given GMO foods, low-quality and water filled with toxins and drugs and fluoride. It is not going to improve anytime soon. If ever.

The point of all that is happening is a crushing of the human spirit. A replacement of Christians and those who believe in conservative values. Love, compassion, beauty, justice and freedom. None of these values are being reflected in our society today. Porn, Tinder and feminists have destroyed love, compassion has been reduced to supporting pedophiles and deranged men, beauty is no longer present in movies or art or the radiance of a happy soul, justice is eroded and favors the rich and the elite and freedom... you know what has happened to freedom. People still are locked up for what happened on Jan. 6. Truckers have had their bank accounts frozen and people like Chrystia Freeland is on video laughing about it.

These are the times to be preparing to live in caves and cut off from the system. If we cannot do that, if protesting does not change a thing, if half the population is against us and supports mandates and doing whatever they are told to do, then we are ruled by slaves and must act quickly to prevent the worst of what is coming.

The building is on fire and no amount of buckets of water can extinguish it.

Pray for the good souls among us and let us become good souls ourselves. Let us affirm our divinity, our sovereignty, our truth. Let us affirm it as far as we can. For even in Revelation it speaks of 1/3rd of Christians being killed standing up for what they believe in.

Yes, we must go deep within now. Read as much as you can. Test and challenge what you believe in. Gnosticism is useful. Study near death experiences. Find out what the Buddhists say. Learn about the Gods of Hinduism. Examine the crazy ideas and notions that people like Icke put out. GO DEEP WITHIN and do not languish in ignorance if you can help it. Make that time to read each day. Learn. Pray. Connect. 

...And I do not know who I am addressing this message towards... I suppose I am ranting... no one reads these messages anyways.

I just know that I am a good man and my heart is pure. My intentions have been pure.

However, the social contract has been broken and I have no allies in real life to lean upon.

I pray for release. I pray for understanding. I pray for wisdom and guidance.

I pray for us all.

I am a sovereign being.

And this place is hell.

The Remnants

It still keeps going. The heavy weight of this world continues to press down.

I am in-between a rock and a hard place. I have about a month to get everything out from my house before new people move in and there is so much here to deal with.

Heavy furniture, books, shelves, electronics, stuff in the garage, stuff in the basement...

It's all so much. So overwhelming that I am not getting as much done as I would like.

My cousin Justin is coming over here today to have a look at what he would like to keep for himself at his new home. I'm looking forward to seeing him here for the first time. In all the years I've been here, few of my relatives have come by to see my place. 

There is a deep sadness inside of me now. A dark cloud where before there was light. Yesterday I thought a little about how I have reached this point and seriously questioned my purpose and reason for being here on this planet.

What have I done with my life? All of those years I've stood and drew breath? 

What have I truly accomplished other than to write on this blog and to have written novels that are unfinished and won't ever be published? 

I knew early on in life that my gift was the use of imagination and an ability to paint pictures with words. I loved reading and using my mind to imagine worlds and experiences that I may not ever get to enjoy.

Experiences like falling in love with someone who loves and cares for me as deeply as I do for them.

Experiences like finding a career that I enjoy and feeling proud to earn a living with.

The experience of bringing myself ever the more closer to understanding God and the supernatural realms that exist between myself and Him.

44 years of my life has come to this. This disheartened state pf confusion and worry.

I am an overthinker and cannot help but imagine the future, not just for myself, but for humanity in general.

Like it was said in the last post, it is not looking good for us. 

And... a part of me is wondering if I might be wrong, and that this is all theatre as a prelude to the Great Awakening where everyone understands the Truth of how we have been deceived through our institutions, manipulated by technology and forced into digital servitude.

What kind of life will our children be inheriting from us? People like me who are at the cusp of this global transformation and enslavement? I feel both responsible and helpless for the predicament we've found ourselves in.

Seeking and speaking the Truth has always been important to me. 

But it does not seem to be important to most of the people I am surrounded by. My family are content to ignore the going-ons in the world to focus their attention instead on other matters. 

The War for our Mind and Souls has been in effect since the very beginning of our birth but so few of us have realized that there is a sinister and organized intelligence in the world who wants to corrupt and destroy us.

With this "Great Reset" Satanic agenda being rolled out, it should awakened most of us to see that the world is not what it appears to be. That perhaps those "conspiracy" theorists were telling us the truth all along. 

But the damage has already been done. The economy is being wrecked. Unneeded vaccines have already been shot into most people's arms. Governments are corrupt and failing. The flow of information censored and controlled by a select few.

There will be a reset by active principle force, or a reset of slow necessity as we try to salvage the remnants of our old ways of life.

The generation of kids born after the year 2000 have not known a world without the internet. Without cell phones. They did not experience the trauma that was caused to us collectively by what happened on September 11th, 2001.

Because it was trauma that was intentionally inflicted upon us. The opening bell before the formation of a surveillance state that tracks our every move, knows our every purchase, knows our friends and families better than we know them ourselves. 

A state that has access to everything about ourselves except our thoughts, and it is only a matter of time before they might be able to access our minds as well.

I believe the keys to the planet have been given over to artificial intelligence. It controls the food supply, the distribution of goods, makes decisions based on our behavior. This AI has access to the entire internet and can categorize the collective mood of the planet.

Years ago I remember reading about AI being able to write articles and social media posts. Now, it is without dispute that social media is infested with bots. Some of whom are easy to spot and not others.

News articles can now appear genuine, video footage can be faked, voice samples from human beings are harvested to create fake dopplegangers that are close to if not completely believable.

Imagine the power that an artificial intelligence would now have if given these tools of manipulation and deception. No one could ever determine what is true and what is not. A nuclear bomb could go off in New York City and no one would ever know about it if this AI decides not to release the information.

It could even fake stories altogether, complete with audio and video footage of a person who may or may not exist. Imagine politicians who look and speak like real people, but do not actually exist.

That is a scary reality we are heading towards. One that is completely controlled and without accountability. 

How can humanity survive all this intact? When we place trust into that which is unworthy, we buy into the deception and muddy our understanding of the world we live in. We cannot make educated decisions when the information being given is false or misleading.

There will come a point in time when it will be impossible to know what is truly going around us unless we talk face-to-face with people that we know.

And even then, it would be such a small window of insight.

I was searching for news on Sri Lanka today, trying to find out how bad the situation is there. It turns out its pretty bad. People are lining up for days, sleeping in their cars, waiting to purchase fuel which is rationed and controlled by an application on their cell phones.

But, that was all I could find out about the country. Aside from that, how is it really in the country? How many people are starving? How many are out of work? How many have died as a result of failed green policies that have crippled their island?

In Alberta, they released statistics recently showing that "unknown" deaths are the leading cause of mortality in the province. How can it be "unknown" when the common denominator are these vaccines being forced upon everyone?

What is happening to us is sick. It's scary, and it does not seem to be ending anytime soon.

Technology only gets better and more refined with time. 

And it is far superior to that of a single human mind no matter how badly this one mind wants to push back against it.

I fear for this planet. Humanity has been painted into a corner.

People like myself are an aging breed and we are among the last to know what life before the digital age was like. 

It was filled with warmth, hope and awe.

It is no longer any of these things.

May God have mercy upon us and strike down those that are responsible for this enslavement.

Because we cannot hope to do it on our own.

Should this be the "end" of the world, so be it.

Humanity will have no freedom left if it continues along like this.

And no meaning or purpose to live for.

Other than to exist.

To consume.

And to seek out pleasure.

All provided for by the great AI in the sky. Watching, controlling and managing our every move and perceptions.

God help us.

We need you now.

Faith in God

I am saddened and upset at the state of the world.

It's one thing to be seeing constant bad news about the decline of the Western empire every day all day and it is quite another to speak to people in person to find out how their lives are affected.

It's not looking good. Jobs are hard to come by, people are losing their homes, the lady that I talk to at the smoke shop is moving to B.C. to start a new career driving trucks, leaving everything she owns behind.

I see the older people in my community. The 70 and 80 year olds and... I fear for them. Health care services are overwhelmed, waiting times are unreasonably long with one man telling me how he had to wait 8 hours to be looked at and then hours more after for treatment.

Articles on the web about emergency clinics in Ontario closing early due to staffing shortages. An article about 4 doctors in Ontario dying in the same week after taking the 4th covid jab.

Economic collapse. Jobs being cut. Interest rates going up and making homes affordable and hurting those like myself with even high debt to repay.

Talks of a polar shift, talks of an impending ice age, talks of civil war, rationing, digital ID, CBDC...

Stolen elections. A video of Biden giving two speeches in one day with one of the speeches where he looks like a different person, leading many to speculate that it is a deep fake or a man wearing a mask.

Massive flooding in various places, earthquakes, droughts, food processing plants being destroyed, nitrogen shipment on trains being derailed, Germany not having enough natural gas to last the winter...

It goes on and on.

Trudeau bans handguns. Cuts nitrogen/fertilizer use by 30% making it more expensive for farmers to grow food and more expensive for us to buy it. Monkeypox. Fires in Spain. Riots and protesting in Panama, Italy, France, The Netherlands. Blackouts in Cuba. Energy rationing in Germany. Citizens need a cell phone to purchase rationed gas in Sri Lanka. Iran forces it's citizens to a digital id to buy food...

I can't even keep up with the amount of information coming out each day enough to remember each single one.

It's... well, it looks like what it is.

The apocalypse.

Or, the "great unveiling" where Truth is known and we all get to see the ugly Truth of the world we live in. Governed by corrupt officials who say and do things aimed at hurting the people they are supposed to represent the best interests of.

Let's be realistic, they are not representing or fighting for our best interests.

False flags everywhere.

Censorship everywhere. Some of what I said is reported in the mainstream news but most of it is not.

There's a reason for that, they don't want us to know. Bill C-11 is going to make getting information difficult and possibly inaccessible for Canadians so that if a nuclear bomb drops somewhere in the world, if the Canadian government does not want us to know about it, we won't. Is there a protest? We may not get to know about it, thanks to...

The evil in this world.

New York Times and CNN are both promoting cannibalism. Young children are forced to get injected with an experimental substance, pedophilia is being normalized, transgenderism is being normalised, unchecked illegal immigration is destroying our cultural identity and so on and forth.

I'm so tired of it all. So tired that I don't have much interest in typing about it. So much to absorb, so much to worry about, so much helplessness as I watch the world burn and lose it's soul in the process.

I'm tired, God.

And...

Yeah.

I'm tired.

Two-Knee Tuesday

Looks like I am writing another post on the same day. Strange how I neglected this blog for so long and now I am rapidly coming back to it.

My gut tells me that if I cannot make much of a difference in the world, I can at least put my thoughts and experiences to paper and sort myself out.

Maybe down the line someone will read all this and understand who I am and what I've gone through.

I don't think it is sympathy I am hoping for because it is never gratifying to be looked upon with pity. It is gratifying to be looked upon with respect and appreciation.

But I have not been able to earn those two things.

Well, perhaps appreciation in the small ways I seem to impact certain people's lives.

A few weeks ago a man named Michael called over to me from his car in the park where we were both sitting. 

"Hey, how's it going?" he shouted from twenty feet away outside a rolled-down window.

And... I responded without much interest or care because I remember not feeling social or if I was, I wasn't confident in my ability to engage with someone without presenting myself as a social misfit.

But something happened. A small dog named Dina popped it's head out the window and looked at me.

That did the trick. 

"Is that your dog?" I asked, feeling my mood brighten. 

And that was when I felt my soul lift itself up to go over and pet this cute little chihuaha which prompted a conversation with the man who later introduced himself as Michael.

He had an interesting life. Was handicapped and we had a good nostalgic conversation about the times he lived through, being that he was in his late 60s/early 70s.

I really enjoyed talking with him. We ran into each other a 2nd time about a week later and he kindly offered me a piece of Kentucky Fried Chicken which I declined because my appetite has gone to shit and I seem to have developed an aversion to heavily processed and fried foods.

But I helped him clear all of the takeout bags from his vehicle when he invited me to sit with him. He seemed extremely grateful for this small gesture of mine that I thought very little of.

And... It's strange how that works. How someone appreciates you for a gesture that you paid little thought towards.

Those small gestures make a big difference in people's lives.

And with that said...

Sighs.

The realtor lady came by to take pictures of the house and to officially list it on MLS starting tomorrow. She was impressed with the work I've done with the place and...

Well.. she was kind of... detached. In a personality/emotional type of way. I can't quite describe it but it felt like I was interacting with a person mimicking a human being.

Oddly enough, she was a former newscaster on a local TV station for many years that I did not recognize but my mother did. Andrea Engel of Global News.

Yet both times I've met her, I couldn't help but think that there was something quite off about her. Today she showed up with what looked like a herpes sore on her bottom right lip. Not that it particularly matters but it did make me wonder a little about her personal life. 

I told my mother the first time we met her that I suspected her of being on drugs. Meth or cocaine... I'm not sure as I haven't done either of those, but she was overly-energetic, somewhat jittery and detached as I mentioned, in an engaging sort of way.

Like a caricature of sorts.

I don't want to judge people but it is what I observed. 

She was nice as she toured my house, complimented many things, placed a sign on my front lawn and left after photos were taken.

Sighs... I can feel my mind struggling to keep typing. I don't know why that is. Some type of resistance.

I feel like I have a lot to say but not much interest in saying it. 

Two years of being unemployed throughout this plandemic has affected me. Every bit of news I read, podcast I listen to or video that I watch all have to do with lies and corruption. Hardly any of it is good, but I would rather be informed than to be kept ignorant.

And perhaps that is a large part of why I am struggling right now trying to find meaning and hope for the future.

Viktor Frankl in his memoir "Man's Search For Meaning" was an incredible book I had read many years ago that described what he went through as a concentration camp survivor. When there was no hope to be found, he still held onto it and the entire book can be summed up by a single sentence as to how this was done.

"He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how."

Anyone who has a strong enough reason to live can endure just about anything. In Viktor's case, his reason for living was to someday be reunited with his wife and after several years, this did happen.

However, Viktor also survived because he was a doctor and did not suffer as much as his peers in the same camp. His skill set aided in improving the chances of his survival.

That, and his having a wife to dream about and look forward to seeing again.

I don't have a why to live for and I am having difficulty imagining what I could come up with that will allow me to bear almost any "how" as Frankl has done.

What reason do I have to exist? Did I come onto this planet to eat, shit and die? Will this be the legacy I leave behind? That I made some people happy, other people angry and... I had a few mystical experiences in life that hardly anyone knows about because I would sound completely crazy if I described it to them?

I tried confiding in a woman named Natasha in a Telegram group for anti-vaxxers/no-mask mandates after a few weeks of conversation. She didn't reply to my saying that I thought I was Jesus or that I felt the spirit of Christ within me at 8 year intervals, 3 times in my life.

And she was religious. She was quoting Bible passages to me prior to my deciding to tell her a little about my experiences.

No response, and it's been over a week. Telegram has marked the message as "read" so I know it was seen.

I'm tired... I don't have a tribe that I fit into. I don't have a vocation that makes me valuable. I do not have a wife or a girlfriend to look forward to seeing. No kids, no job and soon no money.

What is there for me to look forward to in this world when it all seems to be falling apart?

I listed to David Whitehead earlier of the Truth Seeker podcast and I greatly enjoyed his take on how mental health can be preserved and the importance of having faith.

But... He's blessed for being a good talker and an attractive, athletic man who is highly intelligent and aware with a wife and kids that seem to love him.

I am not a good talker, I don't know if I'm particularly attractive and I do not have a girlfriend or kids.

I still do not have a "why" to bear almost any "how".

David in his podcast suggested that if someone did not have a mission or direction in life, then that it what their mission becomes. To find a mission and goal to aim towards.

Easier said than done, David.

I have tried finding my mission in life. I thought I would be a writer. Wrote hundreds of pages of stuff and nothing really worth publishing. 

Besides, who reads books these days anyways?

Is it possible for me to earn a living writing? Certainly, but as a fiction writer I would have to publish book after book and market them accordingly and...

It's like hoping for a lottery ticket to pay off. All that work and effort and a less than 0.0003% chance of winning the grand prize.

Or any prize really.

I can't say that I didn't try, but when my ex-girlfriends didn't express all that much interest or enthusiasm towards my work, I felt like it wasn't worth pushing forward with.

Why write to the ether if nobody truly cares about the things that I say.

Except as this blog is now made public, perhaps someone will stumble upon these words and...

Be entertained by them? What else would they be.

And then what?

I wrote on Medium for a year or so and that didn't bear much fruit either. Wrote some pretty good stuff on there I thought, but little engagement and a low number of subscribers.

When my ex Fola has 200+ subscribers and barely writes anything at all, it's quite demoralizing to see her sub count against my double-digits.

She didn't even have to try to get those subscribers and I'm certain that many of them are bots or from Facebook friends and people that she works with.

I have no interest in struggling to get eyeballs onto my work. That would be as difficult as writing itself and I wouldn't have the time or the willingness to spam my writings all over the internet in the hopes of getting people interested.

I believe that "if you build it, they will come" and for all the hard work and effort I put into my writing over the years, hardly anyone has come.

So why should I bother being excited about becoming a writer? Can't earn a living with it. Can't get enough people interested in reading.

But it is a form of therapy for me. It can be, not always, but sometimes makes me feel better for having laid my thoughts out in a way that I can crystallize and understand in more detail.

And preserve... for whomever comes across these words in the future.

Maybe my writing makes a meaningful difference, maybe it will make a difference down the line. I don't know... I don't really care and that complacency I feel towards the craft has reduced my ability to really make these words shine because I'm not caring enough about what it is I'm saying or how I am saying it.

Because this is not for others to see, only for myself.

Others are welcomed but not expected.

And this reminds me of my youth and the effects of having emotionally-neutered/distant parents growing up.

I thirst for the approval and love of others. I want people to value me. To sincerely appreciate the gifts that I share with them of my thoughts in detail enough so that they are entertaining, engaging and courageously vulnerable. If that makes any sense.

My eyes feel tired at the moment, like I am trying to stay awake. Too tired to pause long enough to find the "right" words and I'm typing off the top of my mind. Not caring about how this all looks.

I keep thinking, though.

What am I meant to be doing here? What was it that I am supposed to learn? 

And can I exist in this world without fear of being homeless and never being able to get a job or to rent or buy a home once I declare bankruptcy and give up most of my material possessions, including my vehicle and maybe phone and laptop?

Where's the light at this end of this tunnel? What dream could I aspire towards that will put fuel in my tank and a spring in my step?

What is my "why" so that I can bear almost any "how" ?

I would like to know what it is.

I prayed twice today... Asking both times to be shown what my path is to be.

And I plan on bringing it up again when I go to sleep.

Why am I here? What is the point of not getting a jab if I do not expect myself to live for much longer?

I am not kidding when I think that I might starve to death, or die in some premature way.

Because... if that is what the outcome will be, then my life...

Has not been lived as well as I would've liked it to be.

I have a mother who is unable to engage with me on an intellectual or spiritual level. Emotions seems to be all that she knows. The spectrum of discourse between us is a sadly narrow one. She has no greater thoughts or considered opinions on anything important.

I don't want to judge her, but this is my observation. As much as I appreciate her helping me to live in this house, I can't help but feel like she enjoys watching me fail. I don't know why that is but... I feel it. Especially when she perked up in thinking that she would be the "boss" over me should I move in with her.

"I'll be the boss!" she smiled, as this subject was discussed between us.  

It is difficult having a mother who feels like a weight rather than an asset.

As I'm sure she is to say the same of me. Having been unemployed and without a relationship for about two years now. 

Without any source of happiness, either. I don't feel happy listening to conspiracy podcasts and others that are in relation to what is going on in the world today. Truthfully with no BS. Uncensored and uncompromised.

It feels like this is all theater and I am watching a horror film play itself out. Everyone on the planet gets jabbed by an experimental concoction that was rushed through FDA trials and has a list of over 1,500 adverse side effects including "death".

As if Justin Bieber's facial paralysis and his wife having had a stroke isn't evidence enough of how horrific of a movie we've all found ourselves watching and playing a part of.

There will come a time when my mother will pass away and with that, leave me all alone in this world. 

My half-sisters rejected me, despite how badly I wanted to develop a relationship with them.

My cousins are off doing their own things. Having rejected me, despite us having wonderful times together in our childhood.

I don't have a rapport going with any of my aunts or uncles. Some of whom I haven't talked to in years and neither has my mother.

I am already alone and isolated.

I do not have a "why" to bear almost any "how".

But... for the grace of God Himself... who appears to be silent in my greatest time of need.

I don't know what else to say... to look forward to... 

To feel comforted by...

Just having a girlfriend who is sincere and appreciative would help. But who would want to date someone like me? At this age of 44 looking down the barrel of a gun that the World Economic Forum is slowly squeezing the trigger of.

It is not just about me. It's everyone who is being affected by this.

Well...

Everyone except the willfully ignorant... Who aren't reading articles or paying attention to the roll out of a dystopian future planned for the enslavement of humanity.

It's so much like a movie it's ridiculous. Klaus Schwab... the villain... Bill Gates...

Sighs.

Such a parody... and maybe this is really what it is.

Just a show.

But as curious as I am about the ending, I don't feel like I will be able to make it far enough down the path to be able to see how it all unfolds.

And whether or not a miracle will somehow present itself to reverse the damage that such corruption and lies has wrought upon us. The betrayal of our institutions and the destruction of our old way of life.

Everything is going to shit. Music, movies, books, television shows, comedy, politics, health care....

Everything.

This truly is the apocalypse and I am at a loss for what I should do.

Other than to continue cleaning out my home which feels like a constant, never-ending battle.

So much stuff... I stand guilty of the crime of materialism without ever realizing it... And it's not even really materialism, but... knowledge and beauty and truth and wisdom that I appreciate seeing in physical forms. Whether it is a statue or a book or a song. 

I appreciate the heart of humanity inherent in each of these things. The soul behind the written words, the sculptor, the voice that sings, the creativity and skill of a film director and writer.

I appreciate all of the good and beautiful things that represent Truth in this world and resonance with creation.

Should that be a crime, I stand guilty.

But that is now coming to an end.

As I get my house in order and hope for it to sell.

Lord help me on this quest and may the God inside of myself find courage and reason to once again emerge from it's hidden burrow.

And point me to where I need to go.

Point me to where I can be used best.

Point me home.

I'm tired... can barely keep my eyes awake.

I am soon to call it a night.

Time for bed and hope for blessings.

A new day tomorrow is soon to be born.

And perhaps opportunity and blessings shall come.

Amen.