(copy and pasted from a text file written about a week ago)
Groundhog day again.
Again and again.
Woke up this morning to the sound of some guy walking around with a leaf blower and once that passed after about an hour, the thuds and bassy footsteps coming from the children next door kept going on for quite some time.
Finally decided to get up. Got my coffee, went outside and endured the noise of the children next door who decided to scream in the backyard next to us all while a neighbor from the apartment balcony across sat in his chair facing me and looked down as I tried to ignore everything around me.
Weather was warm enough to be outside but not warm enough to be comfortable.
Just stared at my phone going through twitter, comments and videos. Tried shutting the world out as best as I could.
But that didn't last long either. My mother decides to come outside and "check the BBQ" to see if it is working. Doesn't make any sense why she had to be out there for a half hour doing that.
Eventually at around 6pm I've had enough of the children screaming and the guy watching and the mom interrupting so I get into my car to go for a coffee. Found a good spot at Tim Hortons but was soon met by loud motorcycles going by and revving their engines at the nearby traffic light.
Had enough of this and decided to go to a more private spot. Soon as I arrive, three cars of teenagers parked nearby and started puffing on weed while being loud and obnoxious. Honking their horns. East Indian immigrants too.
And I'm sitting here watching them as I type. Stoned out of their minds, repeating in my head over and over how much I want to leave this place.
I'll do anything.
Everything.
As long as it serves the princples I value most.
Every day is exactly the same. I don't know how I'm bearing all this but I... I am sick of it.
I thought about spiritual suppression. This situation I am in seems to have been engineered by forces unseen.
For the longest time, I suspected most of my family was in on this. It sounds paranoid but all the little things add up.
Let's start with my mother.
Why was she happy and wanted to hug me when I said I filed for bankruptcy?
Why did she sign the house over to me in 2018 only to change her mind and sign over half of it? Why was my aunt with her the entire time?
Why did my mother never signed the house I lived in over to me? Why was she so reluctant to do so? Why was she so willing to pay the home insurance and part of the mortgage?
Why did she divorce my father at 13 and then took me to see a counsellor after asking me who I wanted to live with and it wasn't her?
Why did she call the police on me when I was exhausted and needed sleep during the time I was in St Paul? What motivated her to call me 8 times when there was nothing wrong or going on?
Why does she make so many terrible decisions? Why did she pick such a horrible place to live that is noisy and small and with a bad energy in it?
Why is she so dirty with handling food? Why isn't she bothered by the stains she leaves on light switches and handles?
Why does she constantly through food outside and is surprised by the mice that comes to eat it? Why does she keep promising over and over to "never do it again" and keeps breaking her word?
Why is it that since 2006 I felt like she had mental issues that I couldn't describe? Why hasn't she helped encourage independence within me? Why was she so glad that I had to move in with her and saying, "I need to keep an eye on you"
And why is it that I never really felt loved by her? Yes, she hugs, but keeps her body at a distance. Yes, she kisses, but it doesn't ever feel genuine.
Why was she against almost every idea I've ever had? From buying a house, to investing, to looking for a better career? Why was she so insistent that I stay with the job that I hate?
Why is she always against the idea of me travelling anywhere on my own? Why does she constantly force food onto me and makes me feel guilty when I don't eat it?
That's just some of the questions I ask about her.
Why can't she think and behave like a normal human being? Why is she the crazy lady that eats one bite of an apple and leaves it sitting on the counter and then is surprised when fruit flies come around?
And it got me all to realizing that I rarely felt real love in my life.
The only time I think I felt it was with my step-sister Samantha when she was young and told me that she loved me with a big smile on her face.
The other time might've been with my step-sister Stephanie who I bumped into at a convenience store with her friends who she proudly told them that I was her brother with a big smile on her face.
I guess I felt love from Fluffy, the cat I used to have who died mysteriously while I lived with my mother. I never believed that story she told me about how she thought the "neighbor" poisioned or "whacked" him.
There are so many more examples.
She loves the situation I am in. She has the money from the sale of the house which would've been mine if I didn't agree to sign over my half or if I had asked her to sign it over to me because I was living there.
I have a lot of resentment in me over the family I've grown up with. I don't think I deserved any of how they behaved towards me.
My cousin Jeffery who suddenly stopped talking to me and ignored my calls and shut out the rest of the family due to some gossip about his sister which I had nothing to do with.
My cousin Jessie who I was close with, suddenly cutting all ties once she found Jay and married him while also having kids. Who also called the police on me in 2006 to take me to the hospital when I did absolutely nothing wrong and exhibited no signs of violence or anything to be fearful of.
My cousin Mark is the same. Making false promises. Such as helping me with my plumbing but wouldn't show up despite my needing him. Or saying he'll invite me over to check out his new house which never happened despite my buying him a housewarming gift.
My dad was never affectionate. Didn't care to encourage or support me in any way.
And... I didn't do anything wrong. I guess everyone thought I was an idiot for being hearing-impaired. Figured I had to be pitied and kept at a distance.
All I want is to be out of here. Vilcabamba. Wealthy enough to establish financial independence and to be out of this country.
Sighs. Another car of kids showed up across from me. All immigrants. All smoking weed and goofing around.
Really tired of this God. Wherever and whatever you are.
Pleading doesn't do anything, it seems. Prayer doesn't seem to work either.
So...
What is the point of living?
What is it going to take to make me break out of this cycle/trap that I am in where everyday is exactly the same?
Getting a job is not going to help. I refuse to contribute to this insane society where insane people think there is nothing wrong with what is going on.
So many obedient and oblivious people. Nobody questions anything. They all live in their own world.
Meanwhile, western society falls apart. More migrants, more inflation, more degeneracy, more white-replacement, more destruction of culture, more rules and conditions like not being allowed to criticize anyone or anything because of "hate speech" even if such protests are warranted.
I almost have to laugh at how stuck inside of this prison I am in. A prison of the mind, the body and the spirit with my mother as the warden.
Every day is death by a thousand cuts. From being forced food, to not having privacy or quiet, not having money enough to do anything about all this, no job, no desire to be in this country, constantly going into my past memories and revising history. Dreaming of being in Ecuador.
Ecuador.
I want to be in front of that church one day. To sit on the bench. To listen to the Spanish being spoken. To feel that warm weather that never gets too cold or too hot.
To pursue the opportunities that comes with starting a new life. Meet new people, come up with ideas, writing a book, starting a business.
To sit by a river, alone and in peace. On a large piece of property that I can call my own.
To connect more fully with God, the Creator. To dig deeper into myself.
And to look at the stars in the evening sky. No light pollution. Clear constellations. Everything visible and majestic beyond words.
To wake up in the morning with the sun. To be able to go outside with a t-shirt and not ever need to wear a winter coat.
Warm rain. Thunder. Fresh air. Clean water and non-GMO food.
To learn about the plants and animals of the area. To feed the stray dogs. Befriend them.
Get involved with the community. Learn Spanish. Meet Jesse, Brandon, Carl and other expats in the area.
To be with like-minded "conspiracy" theorists who understands and validates my observation of the world. From vaccines to chemtrails and all manner of corruption in government.
I will give anything to be in Vilcabamba, financially secured and with my own piece of property.
Anything.
I type this words from my soul to the soul of us all. So that they may be heard.
I ask for the opportunity to prove myself. With conditions attached.
And I will not deviate from doing the best I can for the goodness of myself and others around me.
To do so with humility, grace and respect.
In peaceful surroundings. Among nature and all of its wonders.
Not here.
Not Edmonton. This... hellscape.
Where more and more are becoming homeless as fewer and fewer are able to afford a home. Or to even find a job.
While migrants keep coming in. Given the red carpet at the expense of Canadian citizens.
We are in a war.
This is Nazi Germany and nothing hurts me more than seeing it unfold ahead of time, making the necessary preparations and then losing it all to become trapped in this place.
When all I do, all my soul does, is cry for a way out.
My mind keeps coming back to euthanasia. I am seriously considering it although I hate the idea of dying in a hospital. In Edmonton of all places.
My mother never was excited when I got my Polish passport, never encouraged me to travel, definetely did not want me to immigrate anywhere.
She just wanted to keep me dependent and tethered onto her. Stuck in this hell.
To watch the country burn down while she sits in her bedroom for most of the day watching television programming which I cannot stand. Especially the commercials. The fake news reporters.
The game shows she watches. My God... who cares about them. She does though. Loves watching people "win" money and then call them idiots for losing or not playing the game right.
I want out of this place.
I'll do anything. Everything to make sure that I deserve the blessing of being given an exit.
I don't want to schedule euthanasia.
I don't want to live here any longer.
I know I have so much to offer the world.
But the world needs to take a leap of faith with me and believe that my words are true.
I know what God is. It's everything and everyone. It's in every flower, animal and human being.
I call out to you God, asking for an answer.
I love you but hate this world.
Hate the evil that has taken over it and is looking to enslave us all.
Erasing and re-writing our history. Destroying our culture. Stifling our right to speak out against this corruption.
God, hear upon me. Hear upon me you all.
I will NOT LET YOU DOWN.
I will give you my very best.
But I need you to make the first move.
Give me a reason to believe. Give me a reason to care, again.
Because I did love the world before. I loved talking to you all. In shops, on the street, in the parks, at my job.
I know many are suffering, some worse than I.
But I promise a guaranteed return on your investment.
Invest in me, world.
Believe in me.
Let's stick it to the bad guys.
I will find a way. We will experience it together.
I will do my best to save those needing to be saved.
In exchange, I ask that you first save myself.
For I have no other reason to go on. I have nothing to look forward to.
A winning lottery jackpot ticket is the beginning of the adventure I want to take us all on.
I will not squander this opportunity. I will remain gracious, humble and attentive to what will be done with the money.
Most of it will be for you. For us.
I call upon you, as I have been doing for more than a year.
I want to experience love. To give it.
To receive it.
I am worthy of the blessing that I ask for.
I hope you will think so too.
Save me.
To save yourselves.
As many as I possibly can.
Gracias.
See you in Vilcabamba.
2024.
