Being Boring

So last night we had a fight. Again, not a surprise, but what really got me was how she was so obviously in the wrong that my rational argument for telling her how she made me feel was tossed aside in favor of some victim-complex where she was the one being oppressed and denigrated.

Makes no fucking sense.

What happened was two days ago she invited me over for dinner on Thursday. Awesome. I love going over there and hanging out with her daughter.

She then asks me what I wanted to eat.

So I told her. Anything with tomatoes and lots of garlic and/or spinach. Sounds like I would be having my request granted, right? I mean, why else would she be asking me what I wanted to eat?

Wrong.

After texting her that, she replies with a single word.

"boring"

That's it. Nothing further to add. No explanation as to why my suggestion was "boring" which wasn't even really a suggestion of any particular recipe or dish. Just ingrediants. Two, actually, with a possible third.

"boring" she says. Effectively ending the conversation because I didn't feel like responding to a trash comment like that.

With that one word, she basically communicated that I wasn't going to be getting what I asked for; that she thinks my suggestion is uninspired and uninteresting; and that my preferences don't matter to her.

After I had gotten us the loft and given her those gifts. After I have done all these nice things for her, this is the sort of appreciation I get.

"boring"

Nothing else.

So I ignored that text. Thought maybe she would say something more afterwards, but she didn't. I think this was the first time in a long while where we both went to bed without saying good night to one another. Apparently I was supposed to say something back to that text of hers. Or at least that is what she was expecting.

Fuck, man. This garbage... constantly keeps happening. Last week we fought about her not providing enough details in her messages. Not putting enough thought into them; and here it is again, more of the same after she promised to try and rectify my concerns.

"boring"

She could have suggested alternatives if my two (3) ingrediants were too boring for her. She could have used a different phrase, such as, "I would prefer we make something else. How about...?" but she didn't do any of these things. Just a one-word text and no fucks given about how she made me feel.

Then the next day, after ignoring her, she messages me asking if I really was seriously about having something with tomatoes and garlic in it. I said I didn't care, and was fine with whatever she was making. Told her I didn't appreciate being disrespected and marginalized.

And that's when all hell broke loose.

Man... I don't enjoy typing any of this. I feel like this is an archival thing where I have to write down these events so I can learn from them. But what am I learning? What could I have done differently in response to her text? Should I have said, "why do you think its boring?" rather than take offense?

I think I should have taken offense. That was a disrespectful and thoughtless comment. Why wouldn't I be taking offense if I felt offended by it? Why shouldn't I stand up and voice my complaint about it?

So once I told her my thoughts about the way she made me feel; she starts spazzing. Turns herself into the victim. Started using words like "always" and "never" which I know is the kiss of death to relationships. Complained about how I didn't support her, which was wrong. Complained that I always suggest pizza or pasta. Which is also wrong. Said that tomatoes and garlic and/or spinach is boring because we seem to have so much of it. When I asked her for examples as to the last time we had anything with tomatoes and garlic in it; she fails to provide them. Another lie.

The day before this, I was on the phone with her listening to her talk about this psychadelic therapy course she wants to take in BC next year. Supported her there. Said it was a good idea. But then she tells me the next day that I don't support her.

Fuck. She invents lies and invites drama all the time where it doesn't need to be.

And I ask myself, what is this person good for? She is not sympathetic. She is not considerate. She is not appreciative. She is mentally unbalanced, with her moods swinging like a pendulum. She makes promises she doesn't keep. She has no integrity. She is now more "masculine" than she was when I met her. She...

She doesn't uplift me. I do all these things for her. Put all this thought and patience and try to make her feel good and to keep things interesting in the relationship, and she is content to mainly sit back and enjoy being spoiled.

No fucks given.

I don't want to say that I am demanding things from her. That if I do X, she has to give me Y in exchange. That's not what I want. But when I notice that I am doing X, and X, and more Xs when I've yet to see a Y in a certain amount of time; that is when I begin questioning things.

What does she do to make my life better?

The answer is: very little that I can think of.

She doesn't have a sense of humor, really. And what she considers to be "funny" is sarcastic and mean-spirited jokes, like this video she sent me of a pregnant barbie being punched in the gut while the doll characters are all insulting one another, dropping f-bombs like it was nothing.

There's so much negativity in her. It's this buried thing, where she doesn't want to express it, but unconciously does so. She'll impulsively be negative without realizing it by saying stuff like "boring" to me.

That woman... that girl, I should say, because she is not the least bit mature; has no inkling of self-awareness. Very little of it anyways. Because it seems like I have to constantly explain things to her. When I am having to write a long message describing how her one-word text made me feel; then I know that she has little capacity to figure these things out on her own.

Or maybe I am just that unimportant to her. It seems that way. Relationships aren't a priority for her, given what I remember from what she put on her vision board where it was covered in pictures and mottos that all have to do with getting money and becoming rich.

The one thing I like the least about Fola, is her lack of humility. Her lack of gratitude, also. You would think that if your partner is actively trying to make you happy and to keep things interesting and to be congenial and respectful and supportive; that you would reciprocate in turn. You wouldn't be asking them what they wanted for dinner and then tell them that their suggestion is "boring".

You don't put down your partner like that. Not when you know that they love you.

Like she often would tell me, "I know that you love me" with this bit of a smirk on her face like she discovered some strange new revelation. Or has me "trapped" or under her thumb or whatever it is that she's feeling with that accusatory/vanglorious look on her face as she tells me that.

All I can think whenever I hear her say that she knows that I love her, is that I wish I could say the same about her. I wish I knew that she loved me as I love her.

Wish I could feel the same amount of certainty in this relationship like she does.

And that brings me to my last post.

"He who cares the least, controls the relationship"

I don't want to play that game. Why should I do that with the person I love?

And I realize that it comes down to respect. If she does not respect me, she will care less and less. When she does respect me, she will care more and more.

And I am not respected right now. That's a fact. I see it in her words, her actions and her thoughts.

I see it in all the ways that I've complained about on this blog.

So what is the solution?

Always be myself. Always stand up for what I believe in no matter how much in opposition she is towards the things that I value most.

And this is such a hard thing for me to do sometimes. I believe in compromises where compromises must be made. She does not. I believe in putting "effort" into making a relationship harmonious, fun and uplifting. She does not try for those things either.

Or she isn't trying enough. Another thing I don't like having to do. Judging her. I don't want this to be something that I have to monitor and to keep on the proper course. I don't want my mind filled with junk like this. I don't need drama and distractions to keep me from feeling happy and loved and working towards my higher purpose in life.

I don't need this.

And yet...

Sighs.

It makes me wonder how badly do... No. My blog is a testament to how badly I want a loving relationship. All those years of heartache and suffering and sadness.

Yeah. I really do want a loving relationship.

And I don't want to have to control or force a certain type of outcome, but it seems like I am.

...

I'm too... attached. I need to let go.

I need to be me.

Even if that means being alone.

And...

Sighs...

I don't want to be alone.

I want someone to spoon with. To laugh with. To have meaningful discussions with.

I want someone that can help me grow. Someone who challenges me intellectually. Someone I can learn from.

And... Oddly enough, I think Fola is helping me grow. She is challenging me. She is teaching me things. But not in any conventional way.

She's teaching me by showing me my mirror.

Whether she realizes it or not.

I am seeing all the things that I do not like, and I have to... somehow make peace with them. To tell myself that no one is perfect, and that love can triumph over each of our imperfections and shortcomings.

I really want to believe that.

She has changed from when I met her. She is still changing.

As I am changing too.

In a few days from now, we'll be at the one-year mark. Our first year anniversary.

One year.

Went by so fast.

Well... nothing much else for me to say here my blog. Thank you for listening as always. Appreciate being able to let my thoughts out rather than keep them bottled inside.

Thanks.

I'm not sure what today will bring.

...

But I will be facing it regardless. With my head held as high as I can get it to be.

And God by my side.

No matter how shitty things may get.

I know I am....

Divinity itself.

And everything will work out in the end.

And everything will have been worth it.

Long as I keep my faith.

And move forward.

Wish me luck.

A Game of Thorns

Hey blog. Long time no see.

Lots have happened since the last post. As of now, I am at an AirBnB in downtown Edmonton with Fola still snoozing away in the nice king-sized bed they have here. It's a single story loft in a building that is 105 years old. All brick. Walls have interesting pictures/paintings/posters on them. Has a pool table, a clawfoot bathtub, large shower.

It's pretty cool. I could see myself living here. Easily.

We did shrooms last night. I was surprised at how I didn't feel anything. Fola was nervous up until we were doing them and for a little while after. She later said she saw stuff, but I didn't see anything.

Her words to me were, "you don't feel anything? interesting."

Interesting, indeed.

I've never done mushrooms before. Didn't know what to expect. But prior to taking them (we boiled it in tea), I said a little prayer asking the mushroom God (heh) to impart its wisdom upon the two of us. To give one another that what we most needed to be given and shown.

Hm. I didn't see anything. No hallucinations. No pink unicorns or hippos or swirling colors; and I was more gung-ho about consumption than Fola was. She took forever to get that first cup of tea down. Took forever with the second cup as well.

I later started eating mushrooms out of the tea pot. Still, nothing. And Fola apparently was in her own world.

This morning, as of right now after having my cigarette outside; I had some interesting thoughts come in,

The title of this post is one of them. Why did I choose this particular title?

Because it describes our relationship, and it's a nice play on Game of Thrones.

I realized that I have been giving my power away to that woman. Fola wasn't overly impressed or excited to be here in this loft. Didn't seem very.. enthusiastic, really. Spent 500 bucks on this thing and she hasn't thought about how much this has costed me or expressed meaningful appreciation for my having done this.

Mm. Yeah, so. I have been giving my power away to that woman. I am understanding that "he who cares the least, controls the relationship" and I am not in control at all, really.

Last night she started crying for a bit. When I asked her why, she said she was afraid of hurting me. Down the road. It didn't make any sense, but she was on mushrooms, so..

But I am understanding it. I can see her hurting me. Her concern was that at some point in the future she will hurt me, and that is why she was crying. I didn't understand how this came out of the blue the way it did, but I wasn't all that surprised at her acknowledging the possibility.

I told her that if she was truly concerned about something like that happening, then she should work to prevent the outcome. I'm pretty sure she won't be giving it much thought anyways. She nodded and agreed, and then.. well. Became cold and distant again.

As I slept next to her tonight, I couldn't help but notice the distance between us. This is nothing new. Sleeping together has her doing her own thing, where she doesn't want to cuddle or touch. And when I pull away from her, that is when she suddenly wants to.

Pretty tired of this attitude she's carrying. The only times I feel intimate and close with her, is when I pull away.

When I stop caring.

She hasn't even opened the Christmas gifts I'd gotten her. They're sitting in a bag on the floor here. No excitement to even bother with them, it seems. Typical of her.

The gift she'd gotten me? A "life path activation" by some psychic/Reiki/New-Age person that lasted about an hour and has this chick walking around me in circles and doing stuff with her hands.

I honestly didn't feel much from that. I think it was a waste of money, but time will tell.

My mom thought it was a waste of money also.

And I wonder if Fola will even be able to go to Cuba with me as we planned for next month. She has no money saved up for it. Instead, she's relying on some visualization about getting $5,000 of unexpected income which Aaron Dougherty of YouTube has told her about.

I think its sad really. This whole relationship is... setting itself up for failure.

She does not seem to realize the importance of being rational. Of opening up more. We had a fight about her not providing enough details to me in her texts and in person, and she then promises to ry and do better. Hours later, she sends me a picture of dough in a bowl and does not say anything about what it is. Again, no details provided and I'm tired of having to ask for them.

That's something that annoys me. She'll send me an article about how to "unblock sexual energy" but neglects to tell me why its being sent to me. And then ignores my question when I ask her why she thinks it is blocked, and who is blocked, etc.

Frustrating as fuck.

He who cares the least, controls the relationship.

And I am caring far too much.

...

Going for a smoke. I don't know what else to say here. Got laid off a few days ago. Unexpectedly. Haven't told Fola about this yet. I was saving it for the right moment thinking that she would be happy to hear it, but I doubt she will be. Just going to shrug it off like she shrugged off this AirBnB, my gifts and my company.

Sighs.

Ugly. I am learning the value of being independent and reclaiming my power. This is like a game of poker, also, I feel. I am... bluffing, in a way... Hard to explain. It's all a game, that I know.

And it... seems like its playing out like it should.

Hmm.

Smoke time. Then a late lunch with my mom and stepdad. She hasn't met my stepdad yet.

Life goes on.

Love seems,,,,

Lost.

And yet so near all at once.

Need to stay true to myself.

No matter what she does and says.

It's the only way to be.

Polite Awakenings

It's annoying when I write or edit a post and it time stamps it with the current date and not the one when it was originally written. Like the last one I did.

Oh well.

Interesting day. Stock markets were jumping on the Canadian pot front and in cryptocurrency. So many people here at work were checking their stocks online or talking about them. So much hype.

I'm really perturbed that I bought Newstrike at 0.52 and sold it at 0.59 thinking I did well with making a grand.

Then today, it shoots up to 0.93 cents. Ridiculous.

Again, oh well.

I'm not bothered, my blog, because I truly believe that wealth and love and freedom are on their way towards me. I truly believe that, even if I occasionally get upset at certain things.

Like you, Newstrike.

Like you, Fola.

Hm. Fola.

Fola, Fola Fola. She's such a puzzle. I remember seeing a quote the other day about how nobody is fated or destined to love someone in particular, and I'm not sure about that.

I honestly believe that we are fated. But at the same time, it's difficult for me to truly feel loved in this relationship. I think my texts with Gina, and I'm reminded of how much detail she put into them.

I wouldn't get texts like, "having friends come over" "going out with peeps" or texts where my direct questions are ignored, or texts that are devoid of humour, or texts that are a sloppy autocorrect-in mess that gets overlooked rather than clarified so that I can understand what is being said.

With Gina, I got names most of the time. I get questions answered. I had humor and cheer coming through her words. And there was no second guessing of trying to understand what was being said, or underreporting of events that I consider important or interesting enough to know about.

Feels like I have to play a hundred questions with Fola sometimes, and I don't have the energy or inclination to get a reasonably vivid description of what she did, or how she feels.

Couple days ago I had to ask what she was doing that night before finding out she was going to a friend's house to watch a documentary with other people, including Cody. Would she have told me if I didn't ask? Probably not. Or maybe. Who knows.

I asked her to tell me what she thinks of the documentary after she finishes watching it, and that was ignored. Asked her how her evening went, and got a "good. It was nice to reconnect."

Sometimes she even assumes that she said something when she didn't. Like, she didn't mention who it was she was going to hang out with, and then later says 'she has interesting friends' like I knew who  she was talking about.

Sighs. Either texts are going missing or she really doesn't have a sense of courtesy and thoughtfulness in her conversations with me. Sometimes she does does, often times she doesn't.

I don't get it. Other than to accept that's just the way things are. I can only be myself, and not let her careless antics get under my skin.

That's always been her game. She still lacks empathy, I feel. Consideration. Thoughtfulness. Sensitivity.

She's making me feel like the woman in our relationship. Well, that's a choice. I'm not going to be subservient and desperate for affection and respect and appreciated.

If there's anything I've learned in all those years of dating, it's that my best version of who I am, is the version that is content WITH who I am.

And being hard of hearing, working 21 days away from home, feeling lonely, isolated, almost purposeless; well, it's hard.

But I do believe.

That there is a God out there. An intelligence that wishes to aid and guide me to where I'd like to be. Call it by whatever name you wish. He, or it, is there.

Out there somewhere.

My life has been primarily about two driving forces. The search for love, and the search for spirit.

I believe that having one, will naturally result in the other.

I believe love to be the most powerful force in the world. The universe. The multiverse.

In all of the seven dimensions and planes of existence.

Love is the force that is responsible for us being here. It has an intelligence. It is not originated solely from what we know of the Old Testament God. Yahweh, who physically was present in the garden of eden.

Religion is a diversion. All of them. Kernels of truth buried beneath mountains of...

Yeah.

If even one religion has it 95% right, imagine how much damage that 5% bit of falsehood can cause.

All it takes is one convincing lie to separate man from the truth. The best way to hide a lie, is within that which is presented as truth.

The more truthful something appears to be, the more susceptible it is to becoming corrupted.

And corruption is disorder. Every object casts its shadow, and we silly beings are deluded into thinking that the shadow is what actually is.

Plato's theory of forms in action.

Amazing how brilliant and perceptive that man was.

And other historical figures behind much of the foundation of spirituality as practised today.

And yet, we live in a world where truth is held in both contempt and admiration.

Contempt when it is spoken with timidity and a lack of self awareness, compassion and intelligence.

Admiration, when it is boldly expressed. In words and deeds. Without much regard for the consequences and belaying a clarity and thoughtfulness that goes far beyond what most of us are capable of.

I want to be admired for speaking my truth.

I don't want to hide.

And yet, I am in a delicate situation. A type of war. With myself and others. My loved ones, my values, my faith.

Everything is being challenged.

And I am playing the part of the fox. Neither a wolf, nor a sheep. Or a wolf in sheep's clothing. And vice versa.

A fox. Something that is in between. Something that doesn't fit.

But fits in all too well.

Balance. Good and evil. Left and right.

Light and dark.

Balance.

Grace, and dignity.

It's what I'm aiming for.

Seven more days to go.

Then I'll be back home.

Rude Awakening

Happy 2018 my blog. I hope you and I will get closer to realizing our dreams and desires this year more than ever.

I'm a little sad, to be honest. For what seems like petty reasons anyways.

It's Fola, again. Yesterday she sent me this nice photo of herself naked on the bed, and told me to think sexual thoughts.

It wasn't until later when I asked if she masturbated since I was gone that she said yes, and it was during when she sent that picture to me.

What bothers me is not only that she couldn't wait for me, but that she didn't tell me earlier she was doing it. Think sexual thoughts, indeed. Could've explained why she asked.

The reason I have a problem with something like this, is because she used to tell me these things. It was exciting to know about it, and had I not asked on the phone, she likely wouldn't have mentioned this at all.

I'm just disappointed that she doesn't see things the way I do. Sex and the energies of sex, is something I think should be treated with respect. Otherwise it has all the significance of a sneeze or a cough. Just this biological impulse with little to no meaning attached to it at all.

Again, she used to tell me about these things. I'm sad that she didn't think this was important enough to share with me, but other less interesting things were.

Then her vision board. She made a new one last night and I was disappointed in that as well. There were no pictures about relationships. Or our relationship other than the one picture she used before, and only because I pointed out that she didn't have a picture of us on there.

It's tough being with this girl. She's too into her own mind. Almost all of her photos had to do with money or career stuff. Nothing about love. Health. The relationship she has with her child, her family, or me.

Apart from that one picture, of course. Us having tea in Arizona.

I then sort of argued with her about how she is going into this one direction and not thinking to collaborate with me to have us realize our goals. I thought that's what a relationship is supposed to be for. Two people working together to realize a shared outcome.

The analogy of us being lost in the woods makes sense to me. She thinks we ought to split up so we can get to the same place. She doesn't realize that I have a compass, and that she has a map, and putting both of our talents and qualities together, is going to help us get to our goals more quickly.

She has things that I lack, and I have qualities and skills that she does not have. But still, she is failing to see the value in cooperation, rather than going off to do her own thing. Without any or much involvement on my part.

It's disappointing. I love that woman, but she is not..

She is not the type of person that I hope to marry someday. I kind of do and don't, but there are problems with us that makes me nervous. I can believe her to be the sort to not give me help when I need it. Or support. Or valuable feedback.

For instance, I am unsure about what I should focus on writing. Does she like my poems more than my stories? Does she like my informal blog posts more than my formal ones? What does she enjoy reading the most from what I can write?

Response: She likes everything.

That's not helpful to me. For one, it's a dismissive statement. There's nothing thoughtful or constructive about it. I haven't learned anything new about myself from having asked her that question. Nothing there for me to work with.

And when she...

Sighs. Oh blog, I don't even want to write these things. She has this business idea, but isn't going to tell me about it until I get back, and then previously said that its okay if I'm not interested in helping out with it.

What sense does that make? Where is the part that has us joining together and bringing each of our skills and qualities to the table?

I'm not going to start a business and then tell my partner that there is no place for her in it. That it's my own thing. That she can go off and figure out how to get successful on her own without my being involved in any of it.

It's sad.

Anyways. I went to bed last night at around 11. Woke up at quarter to midnight with a screamy kind of gasp. I remembered my dream, and it wasn't pleasant.

It started off with my violently beating up a coworker. I don't know why I did this, because I have no acrimony towards him in real life. As he laid unconscious, I then put him inside of a truck with piglets and covered him with a blanket as it drove away. Makes no sense, other than the knowing that I beat him up for a reason, and then showed compassion towards him at the end.

As that part ended, I remember looking around this warehouse I was in. I could see a sinister looking figure coming towards me in the dark. I then went to lock a door, to keep it from getting to me, but the door was flimsy and had a cheap push button lock on the knob. I remember laughing triumphantly as I watched this figure attempt to get in. That is when I noticed a nearby door was unlocked, and as I went to lock it, the figure placed its hand on the door and pulled it open. That was when I woke up, somewhat screaming.

I'm not sure what the message of all this is. It's unusual in so many ways. Including how it occurred in less than a half hour after I fell asleep.

It feels like frustration. Frustration at work, and the knowing that violence is going to be... Reciprocated, or will carry severe consequences.

I don't know, man. I feel dumb for writing this post. I'm at work, and I don't feel comfortable here.

And I'm lonely. Away from home with 9 more days to go before I come back.

And my girlfriend...

Sighs.

Could be better than she is.

But, it's not my place to change her. And yet, it seems like it is.

I just don't know how.

And...

I'm tired, blog. I don't have any particular insights into any of this. Nothing worth taking serious notice of, anyways.

I just want to be happy. Fola and I to be happy. And it seems like we both make it difficult for one another.

I'm tired. I want the Fola I fell in love with early in our relationship. When she deferred decisions to me. When she was excited. When she did and said nice things that came unasked for, and from a sincere place.

I gave her my everything.

She has yet to do the same.

And I suffer in silence. Not knowing how to scream. Unable to move.

Only able to try and focus on myself.

And reclaim who I truly am.

A master.

Not a servant. Or a slave.

I just need to keep myself convinced of this.

I remember who I was.

And now I must become it.