Tathata

Last night I went for a walk with Fola on the grounds of Alberta Hospital.

It was nice. We held hands. Talked.

Hugged.

Kissed a bit.

(sighs)

Thunder is going on outside. Her dad wants to meet me, and not for good reasons either.

She can't come over to see me tonight because she is "trapped" at home, due to the objections of her family.

They all are calling her selfish, just as I know she already is.

But... I have been growing to accept it. I am trying something different. Something that has worked in the past, but I haven't been able to continously maintain.

The Buddhists have a word for this, Tathata which is to describe a particular state of being known as "suchness" or, accepting what is.

Sick? Tired? Miserable? Happy? Whatever the emotion or feeling, Tathata is the binding of yourself to the present moment. The unmoving mover. The stationary target that moves. The movement that is still.

In short, you basically accept life for what it is and whatever gets thrown at you.

I like this particular idea. In sadness and despair, you aren't expected to repress these feelings. You own up to them. You let them pass through you. Same with illness. You accept that this is the way things are, and while you can hope for it to change, you should not accept a form of inner-denial where you go "I do not accept this moment" and engage in a process of resistance.

It makes sense to me. At my happiest and most enlightened-ish, I seem to unconsciously practice Tathata. It is one of the symptoms of the conditions of self-awareness and being at peace with oneself. You simply live in the present. Nothing else matters, but the here and now.

Of course the future matters, we want to design it. And so does the past, if we wish to learn from it. But we don't need to cling to either of them. They have to be thought of as existing in the present moment. The future has not arrived, and the past is long gone, however you measure it. In minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years.

Tathata.. Again this comes full circle. The Power of Now as told by Eckhart Tolle. Living in full-awareness and appreciation of every moment. This is basically the greatest truth in all of the scriptures and self-help books I have read, although different words and meanings are used across each and every one of them.

I suppose we all know what the Truth is. But we kind of get restless when the same thing is said over and over. It has to be said in a new way. Embraced in a new way, so as to keep our attention. But it doesn't change what is at the core. "Suchness" .. acceptance.

Accepting the way things are. And not developing too much of an emotional attachment to anything that comes and goes through life.

I mean, this doesn't suggest that we should become unfeeling robots governed by logic and unable to dream of a future, or to reminiscence of the past. I think this is more of a method/ideology that can be deployed when one is feeling lost and disconnected. To remind oneself that the present moment is all that matters, can be a liberating and meaningful experience. It is a lot like hearing someone talk in a conversation and allowing your thoughts to wander. When that happens, you aren't really focused. You don't quite "get" what the other person is saying, even if you kind of do. Your mind is elsewhere. There is a judgement call being made when you choose to tune something out, or give it anything less than your full attention. You are basically deciding that whatever the present moment is, it is not worth your time, but you stand to bear it regardless, because you may not have much of a choice.

 Most of us are at work for hours at a time, for most of our lives. We may dislike what we do, but we have no choice as to whether or not we enjoy it. The wisest thing to do, is accept the present moment for what it is, and give it the fullest of attention. Sure, this isn't always easy to do, and we don't like to become a worker drone, but whenever our thoughts wander into dark territory; reminding ourselves of the importance of the present moment can help bring about a grounding, and can also improve our productivity now that it has our full attention.

Energy flows where attention goes. This is proportional. The more attention, the more energy.

Ideally, you want to do everything at 100%. Even standing still requires energy and attention, and putting all of your energy into soaking in the world around you; is as useful as putting that energy towards something productive.

Fola.. Hm. Yeah, her dad wants to meet me. She's having problems. I do love her, but I don't feel loved by her. I mean.. maybe I am, but she isn't showing it the way I would imagine love needs to be shown.

I'm going to just accept that. As long as I can keep myself from desiring a particular outcome; then I can more wholeheartedly accept whatever I am given. Crumbs, or chunks, it doesn't matter. Gratitude should be given regardless.

There is a natural ebb and flow to this all. I've noticed that the more I want something, the more tense I get when I don't have it. The less I want something, the easier it is to get it. Doesn't make much sense if you ask me, but I have seen it on my date with Michelle yesterday.

With Michelle, I didn't try to be anything other than who I am. And she seems to really like me for it. Even after I've considered myself to be a bit of a bore and not really as optimistic and upbeat/intelligent/insightful/charming/funny as I would have wanted to be. Michelle still gave me a giant hug and asked when we can see each other again.

Honestly, I don't really feel much for this girl. She makes me feel awkward. I don't think the best of myself is coming out while I am with her. I think maybe she's overlooking my weaknesses. I don't know what she is really seeing in me. At least in the version I presented while with her.

She grabbed at my hand a few times. My arm. Kept touching me. Leaned in for a hopeful kiss that I didn't feel comfortable giving. I felt bad. I don't like rejecting people, but I don't want to give false hope either.

Don't really know what to do about all this. I blew off Natalia today. Just wasn't feeling like driving to Whyte Ave instead of Tony's Pizza like it was originally planned. She cancelled Friday, then changed the destination to Famoso, which I really dislike going to. Worst yet, she said she has plans for later on tonight, suggesting that she was going on another date with someone else.

I really don't like having to bend over backwards for someone without a car, and then she got upset when I was honest with her about my feelings. Calling me manipulative and full of excuses.

I had to remind her that she cancelled our date, changed the destination, said her having a car wasn't a problem, and that she has plans later on anyways, so what does it matter if I backed out?

I know.. I should keep my word. But this.. She didn't seem interesting to begin with. She certainly wasn't very interested in what I was saying enough to give me more thoughts of her own. She doesn't seem to read very much, or have any of the interests that I do.

(sighs)

Well.. Whatever.

Tathata...

It is is what it is.

Let life flow through and around me.

I can only do that.

The Strangest Things

Okay, two posts in one day... After writing my last one, I went down to the park with a book, a coffee and some music going. Responded to messages, soaked in the atmosphere and found myself a nice quiet spot. Left there, went to another park and hung out with some sheep.

Met a cute little dog too.

Went to Little Caesars. Picked up a stuffed crust vegetarian. Got home. Watched Bobby Flay. Ate the pizza. Had wine. Texted people.

Hmm.

Fola wants to meet me tonight at Tim Hortons.

There is something strange in the air about all this. We were in a discussion about what I think relationships should be based on, and how to create a future together.

She didn't seem to agree with what I was saying. So... Her being contrary for the sake of it, seems to be making itself known. I gave her a pretty sensible viewpoint as well, but she responded with, "yeah, that makes sense from your view" whatever the heck that is supposed to mean. Looks like she missed the point of what I was saying. Again.

What I find strange, is how my mood seemed to change shortly after writing my last entry. There is something interesting happening whenever I type out my thoughts. It's almost as if...

Hmm. Don't think I need to openly declare what my suspicions are.

But, I like the idea of being listened to. For what's thats worth.

Looks like Michelle and I are hanging out tomorrow, and Natalia cancelled our date for tonight and we'll be going to Tony's Pizza on Sunday.

Life continues to chug along.

I'm thinking that once I get home later tonight, I'm going to lay in bed after clearing the room of sage. Maybe have a joint. Listen to music, and enjoy a light show.

In my heart, I realize that this has all been an interlude. There is something coming. Something great. Beautiful. Everlasting, and deserved.

But I really don't know what that might be. Or what it will look like.

I just know to keep myself prepared and willing to receive it.

Today, I have been feeling a lot of sensation in my "third eye" which apparently is responsible for wisdom and awareness. I have been feeling wise and aware, even if not as much as I would like to be. It seems to come and go and vary in intensity. There is also a warmth coming from my chest too, at times.

I like it.

In thinking about Fola.. Well... Hmm.

Yeah, I don't know man.

Part of me feels like she can redeem herself at any time, should she have her "ah ha!" moment where she realizes whats important, if only I can assist her in discovering what that is.

And maybe that's not what I should be doing. Maybe I can't force rationality and logic onto someone. Maybe I should just leave her alone and share my views without coming across as high and mighty about them. And so far today, it seems to be working. I have managed to stay true to myself and my feelings as well as I can.

There is an intelligence out there. This is a game. I am a player, or a student, operating in a universe constructed as a giant playground or school. Or both.

I am a good man. With a lot to offer. I am dealing with temptation. I am struggling with knowing what to do and where to go.

Let love be my guide, I suppose.

I must keep faith in the machinations of existence. The mechanism that I am to operate under, which is serving me as I am serving it.

As I am trying to serve it, because I can't admit I completely know how.

But I try. In my own ways. Big and small.

And I really appreciate the gift of being alive.

No matter how dark and sinister things can get. I have to be strong. To move forward, and to know that there is something or someone out there that is taking notice of my struggle.

Whether they intervene or not, is irrelevant. Just the facts of my feelings and concerns are enough.

And my willingness to try and understand the unknown that is before me.

Even if on a deep level, I already understand everything.

But I cannot consciously articulate these truths.

And yet, I already have been.

So..

Pride has always been my downfall. Humility my weakness.

Love...

Ah, love.

Love.

Is all that truly matters. Both now, and in the end.

Perhaps this is the truth I cannot seem to articulate.

Maybe...

Maybe I know enough.

Maybe I'm on the right path.

It really does feel that way sometimes.

All these twists and turns were necessary.

To get me to where I need to be.

And want to be.

Should I keep patience and faith alive.

And to always try my best to stay true.

Wish me luck.

As I continue along on my way.

Namaste.

The soul in me greets the soul in you.

Dark Epiphany

Oh my blog, please listen to the cries of my wounded heart.

Fola.. Fola.. Fola..

It really feels like I have been bewitched. Not in the positive, romantic sense either, but bewitched. Hoodwinked. Played.

Used.

Abused.

Taken for granted...

Unappreciated.

Disrespected.

Unloved, and lied to about being loved.

Yeah.. So.. It seems that every time I think Fola and I are "done" we somehow get back together. I'm somehow still willing to put up with her abuse in the faint hope that she will turn things around and deliver on the promises she's made. Or that she will realize...

Man.. She has realized it already. How good we were. How good we can be. But she isn't making it a priority for herself. Our relationship is this.. distraction for her. Not anything that is being cherished, appreciated or reciprocated towards.

A few days ago she sent me a link to her new website, which she is in the beginning stages of putting together. Her idea is to become an independent Reiki practicioner and offer "consultation" pertaining towards offering help for those experiencing a spiritual crisis, depression, questions about... whatever a consultation is intended to provide answers towards.

And, when I was reading this site, I couldn't..

I felt offended. It was so thoughtless. Not only is Fola a Reiki level 2 which is two levels below a "master", but she is not intelligent or compassionate enough to be effective at giving anyone advice on anything. Much less charge them between 45-70$ on a "sliding scale" for the privielege.

"I will do Reiki in my home or yours, if you live in the Edmonton area" .. Well, that's smart. Going to stranger's homes. Even smarter still, that she is charging the same price for the time it takes her to drive someplace and the gas she would be using. What would stop some guy from having her come over so he can put moves on her?

God, man.. Why am I with this woman? Why do I keep.. allowing myself to be strung along? She has no empathy. She is not a loving person. She..

There are no words, almost. I have a bunch of things I should mention here to help qualify my above statements, but I feel like I've had enough of thinking about them.

When she asked me for feedback on her site, I wrote her this long email about my impressions and suggestions. She then responds with basically a, "lol, thanks. I agree." and left it at that. No real gratitude there for the time and thought I had put into giving her my analysis. But, whatever. I eventually managed to brush it off.

Her texts are terrible. She deliberately ignores some questions that I ask. Some of her texts don't even make any sense, given the auto-correct and the fact that she doesn't seem to proof-read anything she says. Completely thoughtless or disrespectful. I haven't decided which. Probably both.

She has no "beliefs" of her own that are worth sharing. No substance. Just pure superficiality and flying by the seat of her pants.

She asked me if she could stay over at my place a few days go, and gave me this sad emoticon with a "please...?" making me believe that something serious has happened. So, I said yes, and because this was right before I had to start working, I then spent the next three hours away from my phone thinking about how she was over at my place already, and wondering what happened for her to ask if she could come by.

Well.. Coffee time arrives and I..

Man.. it fucking sucks bringing up this stuff again. But it keeps happening.

Coffee time comes, and there is no explanation as to why she wanted to stay over. So I call her, and she shuts me down saying she's at someone's house discussing the Kabbalah. No thank you for my offer of letting her stay over. No explanation. Just basically, "I've got to go. I'm okay. I'll call you later."

She spent over three hours there. Leaving me feeling excited that she was coming over, having me wonder if she is okay, and she didn't even come over anyways. She...

My God.. I can't even explain exactly how the situation developed. I don't want to. There's...The short of it is that she blew me off.

I fucking hate her sometimes. I do. There is no love in that woman. No empathy. Just driven by purely selfish instincts, and what makes that worse, is how oblivious she is. She..

Man... If she has to ask her friend Ryan if she is "selfish" then that's..

Wow.. there's a mental block in my mind happening right now. I can't articulate this situation very well. The next day I was in such a sour mood that I took the evening off from work. I couldn't go in. My thoughts were really dark and sour and she was completely responsible for having made me feel that way. I ignored her texts, ignored her phone call, and then later in the evening told her I wasn't going to work and that I wasn't in the best of moods. It was OBVIOUS that she fucked up with the way she treated me, and it was OBVIOUS that the next thing for her to do is to make up for it.

What does she do? Go to some strange guy's house, and stays there for hours rather than try and cheer me up or make amends. I then get a text from her at 1 in the morning asking if she could come over.

I said yes. She came. She fucked me. And I was crying in the first few minutes.

She is robbing my soul.

She is...

I have thought about what "evil" really means, and my analysis has lead me to conclude that "evil" is to be willfully ignorant. Ignorant of your actions upon others. Ignorant of the harm you have caused them.

She fits the profile of willful ignorance. Although she has an intuitive understanding of having done something "wrong", she has no remorse for it. Just this... carelessness.

I am exhausted by her, my blog. She does not elevate me. The only time she cares about me, is when I am in pain. Usually pain caused by her. Or I stop caring, and I distance myself. Then she's right back with an email telling me how she wants to love me more, and make our relationship work, and whatever else she claims to want to deliver on, but never does.

"I can see us residing together someday" she'll tease in an email. Knowing how much I would want to have a woman live with me. Especially one that I can love and be loved by. I badly want to come home from work to a wife or a girlfriend who is waiting for me with a smile and a kiss.

"David, I am 99% sure I am monogamous" and then later telling me how she hates labels, and that she isn't monogamous or non-monogamous.

She is playing me.

Fuck, man...

Fuck, am I ever an idiot for believing her. And continuing to do so.

And she calls herself a "lightworker" on her website.

I am so insulted by her inflated sense of worth. Her ego is ridiculous.

How can she heal people, when she hurts them? Her entire family is mad at her right now. Her father, her mom, her sister, her husband.. and me.

But gawsh, she's a lightworker. She should know how to bring harmony and love into relationships. I mean, she is willing to charge people 45-70$ on a "sliding scale" for advice on how they can do that.

The one thing that greatly disturbs me about her, is the fact that she seems drawn to people who are vulnerable and weakened. There is a reason she wants to be the person to confide towards when someone is suffering from a drug-induced trip, or are in a state of psychosis with a spiritual origin attached to it.

It makes me sick. She doesn't want to help people. She wants to be amused by them. She wants to see their naked and vulnerable side, and not show her own. Not admit to her shortcomings. Not allow herself to be vulnerable enough to show love and compassion to someone who desperately needs it. She would rather stand back and be this figure of redemption/hope/healing and gain this smug sense of personal empowerment over it, in a completely undeserving and unearned way.

There is something very wrong with that woman that I am doing a terrible job of articulating right now. I just don't want to think much about it. I don't want to relive the past and bring up examples of her behavior, which all points to a human being that seems incapable of giving love.

And the hypocrisy is what burns me most. When she claims she wants to help people and show more love towards others, but doesn't try very hard at it. Barely at all. And certainly has no idea what love actually is supposed to look like. Or she does, and doesn't think its worth the effort.

Had I done to her what she did to me a few days ago....

She would've been upset.

She knows that too.

When your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/spouse is in pain, you'd better consider it important enough for you to want to do something about it. You would go to see them. You'd do something nice for them. Maybe bake them something. Cheer them up. Ask questions about why they are feeling the way they do.

You don't say, "I'll just leave you alone for a bit and let you have time to yourself" and then go off to some stranger's house who you met at a festival a few weeks ago. And then later talk about how you "might" have been drugged while there.

It's bad enough she is going to some guy's house she barely knows. Its worse knowing she discarded my feelings to do it. It's worser still, that she would come by hours later for sex and pretending that nothing is wrong. No apologies. No nothing.

Just...

My God... this woman is going to be the death of me.

There is something I need to be learning from her though. I think I am getting it slowly, but surely.

I need to learn to stand up for myself. All my advice, my anger, my love, my attention directed towards her has been a waste. And when my time and energy is being taken for granted and not reciprocated, and then teased along every time I distance myself; then that means this person is not worth being with.

I am being fucked with. And she knows exactly the right way to do it.

She knows what I most want in this world, and all she does is teases me with it.

Her touch is cold and clammy.

She is difficult to joke around with. She has no sense of humor.

No intelligence.

No compassion.

No sense of personal responsibility.

No consideration.

No thoughtfulness.

No sense of gratitude.

No desire to improve our relationship. No appreciation for how hard I have tried to make things special between us.

Just...

Pure willful ignorance.

Disguised under the pretense of being "intuitive" rather than logical or reasonable.

She is "intuitively" going through life. Intuitively going through the motions.

Basically, she is operating on auto-pilot.

In a car that is driving around in circles. Crashing into things.

Making the same mistakes over and over.

And not being self-aware enough to realize how important it is to be mindful of the effects and actions she has on people. The harm she causes by being ignorant and inconsiderate.

Fuck it, man...

I'm still going out on dates. I have two lined up for this weekend.

Michelle and Natalia.

Michelle I already have met. She is a sweet, soulful human being.

Natalia seems interesting. She's Ukranian. Likes to dance.

I am still going to keep my heart open.

I am still going to believe the "right" one is out there for me.

And although Fola and I may be soulmates, it's me that is putting the effort in. Not her. She would rather take than give.

She would rather go through the motions.

And throw me enough crumbs to keep me interested enough to put up with her half-hearted approach towards our relationship.

...

Fuck me...

A married woman. I'm in love with a married woman who doesn't have a soul.

And I really think that is true.

She doesn't have much humanity in her.

And.. She wants what I have.

But doesn't want to earn it.

Isn't making herself deserving of what I have to offer.

So...

But...

Man...

There is still something between us. It feels like something has yet to be resolved, or learned.

She certainly has to learn something, as do I.

But I'm not sure what, yet.

When I say my prayers at night, the line "deliver us not into temptation..." has me thinking of her.

She is temptation.

...

She is temptation.

She is....

The evil I need to be delivered from.

....

Fuck.

Man vs Nature vs Man

Fola came to see me on Friday, she took a day off from work and we hung out.

(sighs) She's so easy to get along with. Conversations were effortless. Silence was comfortable. Sex was great. We made spaghetti together and washed the dishes afterwards, and that was great too. Easy, simple, effortless, fun.

Wish I could experience that every day.

Yeah, so.. I don't know if Fola and I are actually back together or not. I keep thinking about that email she wrote about wanting to give me more love and attention and commitment, but I'm still not fully believing that she is going to deliver on all that. From what I saw on Friday, I think there were steps being taken that are encouraging, but doesn't seem to be encouraging enough.

When she wrote me that she was 99% sure she was monogamous; I had to ask her again about it on Friday, and she replied saying that she doesn't like labels and she doesn't identify with either/or. Really doesn't help matters much when she waffles on her opinions and points of view each time like this. I never know what to really think about her, or to have much respect for someone who changes their mind as often as they change their clothes.

But, I'm grinning and bearing it, I suppose.

Seeing her again reminded me how much potential our relationship has, if only she would want to tap into it and explore it further. Nurture it along. Take it more seriously. At the same time, I have to admit that she has a lot on her plate right now and any crumbs that fall off the table are about all I can expect to have and be happy with at the moment.

Because I thought we were broken up, I went for a date with Michelle as planned on Sunday, and she was a surprise. A really nice lady coming to me with a full and open heart. She was constantly touching me, and afterwards texted saying that I was "really attractive" which kind of threw me for a bit of a loop just because I have never seen myself that way really.

So, I don't know. I'm still dating, I'm still apparently seeing Fola, I'm still unsure of where my life is going and what I need to be doing with it. One thing for sure, is that when Fola is with me, I feel more alive and energized and motivated and complete. But, I don't know if she feels the same. Or if she does, she doesn't consider it as important to her as I do for myself.

Man... Her dad just arrived from overseas and she's going through a heck of a time with him. He told her today that she was going to hell because she was doing yoga. I repeated my offer about her moving in with me, and I feel a bit odd in doing so. Inviting her to move in with me is such a big change and opportunity for the both of us. It would invite criticism. It would potentially cause problems. But it could also be the greatest thing to happen to us as well.

I really don't know.

My writing has been stalling lately. I'm not as motivated as I once was about it. Part of me realizes that I am more passionate about connecting with people then I am about putting my thoughts down. But maybe thats a mistake. Maybe I need to really discipline myself and push myself forward to where I want to be. I can't just live off of hopes and dreams and wishes and unicorns sliding down rainbows from the sky. I need to ground myself more. Take reality more seriously. Make something more of my life that doesn't involve insulating, pining over a married woman, and not knowing where life is taking me.

If I don't steer myself in the direction I need to go, then something else will.

My faith has taken a beating as well. I haven't been praying as deeply and sincerely as I have been. I'm sad about it because it was such an important connection for me to be making. When I discard the value that prayer and introspection brings, I realize that there's not much left for me to be inspired or encouraged by.

I keep talking about the things I need to do, but I can't seem to be able to make time for them. I have to take things more seriously. I have to chart a clear course for myself. I have to schedule and make time to pursue my dreams, whatever they might be. Or at least to settle onto something that would lead me closer to the life that I would want to have.

I need to smarten up. My dad would tell me that at the end of each night, he would ask himself if his day was well spent. If he accomplished enough in it. I understand that way of thinking. I've been there before, and I greatly admire him for having had that mentality.

I just wish I could keep it going. Day to day. Living a purposeful and meaningful existence.

Life is tough when I'm having to deal with it on my own. Fola feels like the missing half of myself, but I don't know if she feels the same way about me. I hope so, but she doesn't say such things.

(sighs)

There are things in motion, thats for sure. The world feels like a different place these past few weeks. As if I've entered another type of planet that looks almost exactly the same, but isn't really. Something less optimistic and more constrained and bleak. But, I'm also not ready to give up on it. I still have hope inside of me. Maybe this is a lull, a silence between the notes of the melody that is playing itself out. Maybe I will snap back to my senses and really prioritize what is important, and move towards it.

No matter how difficult it can get.

Have to go to work soon. I'm taking along one of my chapters to try and work on while there, but I'm not sure if I have enough time to really devote to editing/correcting it. My breaks aren't long enough for that. I need to schedule a block of time each day to devote to my writing. I absolutely have to.

Mm.

I have prayed for so long and so consistently, that I wonder when the answers will come. I thought I had them earlier in the year, but they seem to have trickled through my fingers. I blame my arrogant pride for that.

Did a hearing test on Saturday, and yes, I need hearing aids. 3,500$ per ear though. That's stupidly expensive, but the particular ones I was looking at were unobtrusive and easily concealed. Exactly what I'm hoping for.

I have 3 grand in the bank and need to fix my car. $7,000 for hearing aids is such a bitter pill to swallow that I need to look further into what my benefits plan covers. I need to see how much of that I can write off during tax-season. I need to keep working, and making money and being frugal and cautious because next year might be difficult to find a job. I have to accept how sobering a thought that it will be, once it happens.

I may not insulate next year. Who knows? This is my last chance at making this kind of money so that I can buy hearing aids, fix my car and have a bit saved up for next year.

I'm buying lottery tickets. I pray that one of them will amount to something.

And Fola.. (sighs) .. Will she change? Can I expect good things with us?

I don't know. And I don't think she does either.

Well...

Back to reality I go.

Stay with me, God.

I need you now more than ever.