I thought about what death would be like. I really fleshed it out in my mind, and my heart tells me that my depiction of this event is probably close to 100% accurate. It kinda goes like this:
Lets say that you are walking somewhere and your heart stops. You immediately start pounding your chest, trying to get your heart started, but you fail. You begin gasping for air, trying to deliver oxygen to your blood that your heart will not. You begin to feel dizzy, this causes you to fall down. The asphalt pummels your knees hard, your torso leans forward and you are pitched to the ground, head first. You feel your head bounce off the sidewalk and a spreading wetness on the side of your face. This is when your vision starts getting "watery" and things are beginning to blur. Your body aches, it becomes a terrible effort to move even a finger. As your breathing becomes shallower, awareness of your physical condition and need for air is diminished, and now your brain is completely focused on a last ditch effort to rescue your body from oblivion. Your heart races, pumped with adrenaline, you know you're about to die.
You can no longer see at all, your eyelids close and you feel and hear the pounding in your chest getting weaker. This however, does not concern you, as your attention is frantically grasping towards stimuli via sight, touch, sound but unable to secure any of those. Your attention then disregards external stimulation and begins to focus solely on keeping your thoughts clear. But you lose the ability of thought, you can no longer "think" with words. And you begin to conjure up images of your life. The face of your father, the tree in your backyard, a smudged out frame of an old cartoon you saw as a child. You can no longer organize your visuals, and images become erratic and jumbled. Soon, the pictures in your mind begin to fade, the emptiness grows darker and you completely relinquish the control of being conscious and feeling. You can now sense only on an intuitive level, consciousness is minimal and things such as your awareness of dying, are no longer there. You become an entity onto yourself, like a tiny non-flickering flame floating in the air, no limbs, no awareness of the mortal life you once led, and no capability for critical thought but rather an intution that consumes you deeply. You KNOW which is true, what is false, and everything from the meaning of life to how did they put the caramel into the caramel bar. You know everything, but you lack the ability to appreciate this new-found knowledge, you become incapable of emotion, curiosity, love, hate, fear, guilt.
So, you're floating in space, you know that each and every living, dead and inanimate object are made up of the same energy in which you are created from. You realize that the earthly form that energy takes, is a natural process in the maintainence/order of the universe. You understand that there is no such concept as "time" that everything runs from a pre-determined starting point and to an ending that never ends. Yet you're are at the starting point and at the end, at the same time. You're able to move faster than the speed of light to any destination that you feel "attracted" to. To become a pivotal piece in a delicate structure known as the universe.
Eventually your death will realize you this: there isn't a beginning and there isn't an ending, there is just simply.. being.
Thats my take on how "death" will go. Funny how those that fear dying are the ones that haven't fully thought it out. They probably believe that they'll even have the moment to regret being "dead" let alone being able to say "ah shit, I'm dead, oh man this is fucked up. FUCK... me."
In the end, nobody would care. You're dead. You wouldn't have to absolve or redeem the decisions you made in life because there wouldn't be a heaven or hell. Do you think giant globs of energy have a sense of morality? Do they care that you killed someone? That you didn't go to church on Sundays? That you enjoyed pinching your nipples while watching pro wrestling?
Eventually (for some unknown reason) you would become solid again. Whether its as a plant or a rock, or an animal, or a newborn baby you wouldn't know, and you wouldn't care. Physical forms are merely a representation of matter that energy has created, E=MC² you bitches.
My biggest fear isn't death at all. Having to go on living if I should become a quadriplegic, or ending up as a vegetable is. I like living, I want to enjoy it as long as I can. But not if the highlight of my day consists of getting goop through my feeding tube. Not while I'm shut off from all my five senses in a void of nothingness and being unable to move. That would just suck.
