The New Abnormal

 As I write this, a video talking about how water wells are going to be regulated is playing in the background. Anyone with a private well is going to have to report their existence and the quantity of water being drawn so that it can be taxed and regulated in the state of California.

Earlier today I read about how the WEF wants to ban private ownership of vehicles so as to get those from the rural areas into the cities. This would sound absurd if I didn't already know that in Sri Lanka, gas is being rationed through a cell-phone app. It is no small leap to see that this could and likely will happen here at some point.

Pope Francis is in Alberta right now. Doesn't seem like much public interest in his arrival. The head chief of one of the tribes refused to acknowledge our great crime minister by walking straight past him as he partook in a truth and reconciliation meeting/ceremony of sorts. As he should.

And my hearing-aid practitioner knew a surprisingly amount of the details that I shared with her regarding what is happening and where I see everything going. No digital ID, no health-care, no gas, no place to live, no job.

To top it all off, my mother will not listen to reason. She is not persuaded by common-sense, logic or facts no matter what I tell her. Home prices are dropping, interest rates are rising, there are close to 200 properties for sale in the Fort Saskatchewan area with listings having been up for a two months or more. She will not lower the price to a reasonable level, telling me "not to worry" when I describe how serious the situation can be if we do not sell this place by the winter. Because who is going to be shopping for a new home in the wintertime?

I am... reaching the point of not caring anymore. I'm going to be filing for bankruptcy which means that my mother will have to pay the utilities on a meager income. Trying to tell her about how important it is that we sell this before the winter has no effect on her. This is the same woman that argued with me at the bank about wanting a variable interest rate mortgage for a 3 year term rather than going with a fixed 5 year at less than 2%.

I can't persuade her. She will not listen to me. She shuts down my concerns with "I don't want to talk about it" or changing the subject by saying "are those new socks you're wearing?"

Ridiculous. She is setting us up both to fail and only I seem to know it. But I am powerless. I cannot change her mind and she is not learning from how it has taken her over a year to sell her home because she priced it too high, despite both myself and two other realtors insisting it needs to come down in price.

Which it did, from $315,000 to the final sell price of $288k because she kept dropping the price three times.

And still, she refuses to learn from all that. This place is priced at $305k when it really is worth about $296k.

I can't wait around a year for this place to sell. Not when they are likely to raise interest rates even further and housing prices are collasping all over the country.

She is taking us to hell in a handbasket but who knows... maybe it will sell before November. Before the winter.

I don't know what to say anymore. My mother has never been an intelligent, thoughtful woman. She does not plan ahead. She does not look ahead, she does not keep herself informed or consider the facts.

Just tells me "don't worry" each time I bring up my concerns. Shuts me down every time.

Well, I am worried and I do not see a good future for either of us. She once phoned to tell me about how she was doing a lot of "thinking" and wants to move in. Changed her mind a week later.

And I am still fucking stressed but at the point where I really don't care anymore. I can't fight this. There is no point in ripping my hair out and screaming at the sky over things that I cannot control or being given a voice to speak towards. She will not let me have my voice. She will not listen to reason.

And this is where I'm... sad to admit that our lives are not going to end well with all of this garbage happening. Should we sell the house before November, I will be jubilant, but if I am filing for bankruptcy, I will be completely dependent on her. I may not even have a vehicle.

Or a place to put any of my stuff. 

And... a happy outcome is difficult for me to imagine throughout any of this. I can follow scenarios and possibilities and predict some things into the future with the information that I have been studying and learning about. Are interest rates likely to increase between now and November? Quite likely. Will home prices be even harder to afford? Absolutely.

But try telling my mother any of that. Instead, she'll say "are those new socks?" rather than take anything of what I say seriously.

This kind of disrespect and ignorance is... going to bury me. I can't imagine living with her for a prolonged period of time. This is a woman that changes her mind by the minute and makes decisions by the seat of her pants without any due consideration or deliberation.

I could be a banking expert or financial planner and it would make no difference. She does not respect my opinion, she is not swayed by facts.

And so it must be that we will be heading towards... well, something.

And... I honestly feel like leaving all this behind to go into the woods, set up a tent and take my chances out there because I at least can live with some measure of dignity for myself and preserve my mental health from someone who clearly has trouble managing her own.

This... is not the life that I expected to have. I have made mistakes, I have taken chances with my money and reached $200,000 in investments at one point but did not cash it in because I had a "feeling" that I could wait one more day before doing so. Instead, I didn't, despite the sincere gratitude I expressed towards the universe for having reached such a milestone. I did my best to listen to my heart and mind and faith and...

Here I am. On the verge of financial ruin. Stuck with a house filled with stuff that I am going to have difficulty removing and unlikely to keep should I declare bankruptcy and be forced to live with her.

All I'm glad is that my name is not on the title of this. But maybe, if it was, I could price the house accordingly so that it will sell quicker.

But that is not how it is.

I have a hard time respecting my mother for any of all this and it is no secret that she does not respect me. We have a pretend relationship. She hasn't respected me in a long time. If ever. No matter what I did or didn't do.

I wish I could talk to her like a normal human being. To appeal to her intelligence, to common sense, but... that is not the type of woman she is. She is content to spend her day watching game shows on TV, the Bachelor, 90 Day Fiance and... remaining oblivious to the crisis that looms before us. 

Telling me not to "worry" and changing the subject whenever it gets uncomfortable for her. 

Because she will not respond to facts. 

No matter what I say.

Perhaps her mind will change a few months into this. Maybe she will realize that I am right at some point and that the house should be priced lower. I live here, I know what I see and experience and can ascertain the value of something that I myself would be willing to pay for. 

And if I know her, her mind will start to change in a few months. But by then, it might be too late.

Who is going to move here in the winter? Who can afford a place like this?

Then again, a lot of people are moving here from other provinces. Perhaps they sold their homes in Ontario, BC and other such places to be able to afford one here.

I hope that this will be the case.

And that there are buyers out there, looking, even though I myself would prefer to wait it out for prices to drop further. Had it been me looking for a new home.

But maybe a miracle will happen. 

We will have to see.

There is so much stress in me right now. So much that I am growing numb as a response to it. Not feeling much. Not hoping for much. Not seeing a path to happiness knowing what I know now.

Maybe they will roll out emergency cheques or a universal basic income. If they lock us down again over Monkeypox or some other type of emergency, I'm not sure many Albertans will be able to survive the carnage that will result.

Especially over a cold winter.

Try being homeless in -40c weather.

And the numbers are growing by the day. I can see people on the street with humorless, tightly-drawn faces. No longer expressing the easy smiles and light in their eyes like they used to.

There are still people driving around, alone in their cars, with a mask on.

Walking outside even. 

In the end, I know that I would rather starve to death in the bush than to be controlled and enslaved by such corruption and immorality. Consenting to the new system is a quiet endorsement of the chaos that a small group of people have inflicted upon the world. 

If you can even call such psychopaths, "people".

In my mind, the image of a shirtless, smirking Elon Musk on the beach pops up. I'd never seen his upper body before but it reminded me so much of the same shape that Bill Gates has.

It's this unnatural, barrel-looking chest and stomach that looks extremely unhealthy and out of proportion.

I have heard many theories claiming that such figures are evil entities in disguise. Lizard people, basically, as crazy as it sounds but with what has been happening over the past few years, these type of theories have a way of proving themselves to be true.

All the crisis that is happening has been manufactured and planned long ago in advance.

The End Game as Alex Jones would call it.

The end of human freedom, dignity and critical thought.

I have moved past being worried sick about this but there are times when it hits me like a wave. 

And all I can think is that should I die prematurely, I do not think I can say that I have accomplished much with my life.

How would I report myself to be? How can I explain the way I behaved during my time on this planet?

I think about the past times when I truly felt myself to be filled with the spirit of a higher, more evolved form of consciousness and I genuinely felt as if I was Jesus himself in some of these moments. The best and worst of times.

I still pray every night... and in the end I know that death is not something to fear.

What I do fear is having wasted my life with little to show for it.

What I fear is being forced to become a rat on a treadmill going nowhere in life because all avenues towards happiness has been closed off.

You can't even find a woman on a dating app these days who is worthy of being called wife material, and that is assuming they would find me attractive enough to want to be with. A man with no employment, soon to be bankrupt, soon to live with his mother.

I showed mom some of the women that shows up in OkCupid as I swiped left through dozens who were extremely overweight, with dead lifeless eyes and a few posting pictures of themselves with masks on, as if they were somehow doing a good and virtuous service for the rest of us. 

They wear their ignorance with pride. They cannot see what is coming either.

Or how they have all been conned by this nonsense.

It is so easy for me to give up on humanity and I almost feel like I am at that point.

Perhaps I am there already but do not have the courage to admit it.

And should I admit it, I would also be admitting that there is no hope for us.

Not for me in starting a family, finding work that I enjoy doing and living life to the fullest.

Because the WEF is bending us to their whims. Turning us into slaves.

And closing off the exit as they watch from afar with amusement, hoping we will be at each other's throats.

As I drove around the northside of Edmonton spotting suspicious characters left and right and seeing a lone, solitary man walking far outside of the city going to who knows where -- I wonder how bad crime will become. If inflation continues, rent increases, taxes go up, insurance goes up, food prices go up...

Well... we're all going to go down and become a 3rd world nation like Cuba.

I've already been seeing a numerous amount of vehicles in poor condition on the streets., Windows covered with cardboard because the glass has been shattered and the owner unlikely able to afford a replacement. People driving around on the spare tire because, as I found out a few days ago, the cost of a tire has become prohibitively expensive for people to buy.

Imagine if someone slashed all four of your tires one day. The cost to replace them will be close to $2,000. 

Who is going to be able to afford $2,000 these days?

My mother complained about the cost of her car insurance and said she signed for a "one-way" plan where if something happens to her or her vehicle, compensation will not be awarded.

It's fucked up.

So fucking fucked up.

I found out from her today that people in Cuba cannot find beer for themselves. They no longer sell it in the stores (although rum is still available). And the resort employee she knows is saying that there was only 1 tourist on the beach for him to serve.

One tourist. 

Let that sink in for a moment. 

How is anyone able to earn a living wage for themselves?

What hope do they cling to?

What do they tell themselves so that they can sleep at night.

What do they tell their children when they cannot afford basic necessities?

When there is no future for them?

Should prophecy play out, the rise of the "anti-Christ" is likely to emerge with a solution.

Perhaps this is what will happen. A wiping out of debt and a universal basic income implemented.

But only if we use the app. 

And likely only if we've had our inoculations and have a high social credit score as a result of our obedience and not questioning the corruption behind our government and institutions.

There is going to be a lot of poverty. A lot of death. People will die in Germany from the cold because they cannot afford the fuel needed to heat their homes.

Assuming they even have a home.

So fucked up is this world.

I do not want to die knowing that I did little to help undo it. I feel responsible for the welfare of others more so than my own at times.

My mother pointed this out to me earlier as well.

"Worry about yourself! Don't care so much about other people!"

Maybe she's right, but still... 

I do care about other people.

I want us to get out from under this mess.

And yet I do not know how this can be.

I supposed we will have to wait.

And react to what comes next.

Just like animals being lead to the slaughterhouse, we each have to wait our turn before our eyes open wide enough to see what is being done ahead in the line.

It's not looking good.

God help us.

For the Truth must set us free.

There is nothing else that matters more in this spiritual battle we found ourselves in.

No weapon more potent.

And yet...

Yet...

We still march ourselves to the slaughter.

Out of fear.

The lowest level of faith.

Should I die without having achieved anything of merit, I will give voice to my helplessness and inability to be guided in the correct direction.

I will give voice to my heart, and reveal that good intentions were buried all along.

I will speak of my faith and loyalty and the events in my life that solidified them.

I will.

I will.

Endure for as long as I can.

In the New Abnormal.

A House of LIes

 I am sitting on my couch, listening to the whir of the refrigerator as well as the constant humming and throbbing of my neighbor's central air fan that is pointed at the side of my house and I am...

Weeping for myself and the world.

I'm going to go bankrupt. The house I live in belongs to my mother and she does not want to price it at a level where it could sell quickly. Similar duplexes in the area have been on the market for more than 2 months. The realtor is coming by Tuesday morning to take photographs and I am stressed.

I am so fucking stressed.

And I have no one to talk to. Not a soul.

Not one person anywhere in the world.

Except for God. 

And lately it feels that God has not been listening.

At the park earlier today as I escaped the constant cleaning and rearranging of furniture and... deciding what items I need to donate and what items to keep and... my mind just... paused at one point while I was sitting on a bench looking at the North Saskatchewan river flowing by.

I tried to release my thoughts from worry, to get off my phone from which I spend most of the day either reading depressing news or listening to podcasts that discuss depressing news but... 

It's so hard sometimes. Especially when I remember the world before 2020.

My childhood was memorable but... the things that I loved about it all seem to have gone away.

The cartoons, the movies, the music, the books, the television shows... What is being produced right now is nothing like it was. Nothing really inspires, teaches or presents itself with good and moral intentions. Sesame Street has Elmo pushing for little kids to get jabbed by a medical concoction that has been hurting and killing people all around the world. Many movies are dark, includes graphic sex and horrific scenes of violence and dehumanization. Popular music grinds down the soul by promoting money, drugs, sex and hedonism in subtle ways -- normalizing degradation of women and men, bringing humanity down to the level of a primitive beast.

These are the end times. The population is deliberately being reduced. While I could not believe that this was happening in the last year of 2021 and thought that humanity would find a way to "defeat" those that are responsible for all this, I am now believing that the resurgence of Nazi Germany is being deployed upon us on a global scale.

Everyone who did not get the vaccine is a "Jew" with the only difference being is that we don't have to wear yellow stars to signify and publicly display our religious beliefs. We now have smartphones with centralized health data that already knows who is and who isn't vaccinated. Who does and who does not support the covid lie that has been perpetuated on us.

World War 3 is now here and sometimes it is surreal enough for me to feel like I am watching a movie, not really participating in what is going on.

But as I sat there on the park bench listening to the crows squawk nearby, I realized that participation makes no difference. I am affected nonetheless just like many others will soon be if they are not already.

Only the Amish and those with resources enough to be able to live in the country in a self-sufficent way off-grid are able to insulate themselves from the takeover of the human race.

One of my considerations in the last year was deciding on a place to build a new life with and Cuba emerged as an immediate thought. As ludicrous as it sounds now, I thought that a third world country was vastly preferable to the tyranny being inflicted upon us in Canada.

A few days ago I watched a video and it seems that Cubans are experiencing a country-wide blackout of power and electricity. 

I thought about Nicaragua, Mexico, Poland... they all have their own unique set of challenges. I do not know enough Spanish or Polish to be able to function in a new country and should I be travelling by myself, it would be made ever the more harder to deal with to the point that I don't think a decision like this would end well. I likely would be robbed or taken advantage of and the new life I hoped for would not include a happy ending being a foreigner in a strange land.

It doesn't matter how much money I have or where I would go, every place is affected by this or soon will be.

Riots are occurring in Sri Lanka, Italy, the Netherlands, Ecuador, parts of Africa and with inflation growing worse and worse, the European Union, Canada, USA and other countries are unlikely to be spared the effect of this global extermination of the human race and the control centralized powers wish to exert over us.

I take it back, if I did have unlimited funds, I would move out into the bush and set up a homestead but... let's be honest, I wouldn't enjoy my time there alone. I would lose my mind.

People need people to be around with. To laugh and cry and make love to and have babies and grow spiritually, professionally, emotionally...

We are a social creature and cannot hope to isolate ourselves without experiencing a strain on our mental health. There would be no reason to live, nothing to hope for, should a single man like myself move into the woods and ignore the world for however long he can.

I am so alone. No one to talk to about any of this. My mother and I can only engage on a shallow and narrow spectrum of discussion because she refuses to see what I see. To hear my concerns and address them with any kind of insight that offers actionable value because... she does not have all the information that I have. She does not see what is happening and refuses to believe that it is.

When I told her that I might not be able to ever work due to needing a vaccination, her response was:

"Well then you'll have to get vaccinated!"

My God... those wicked people in power. Planning this for years. I don't think it is even Klaus Schwab and the WEF who is behind all this, no, that group is a front for more powerful influences that value anonymity and pull the strings of politicians the world over using money as bait and coercion as threat.

I cannot see a way for us out of this. Once digitial IDs and rationing happens, all in the name of "science" and "climate change", we are done. Finished. There will not even be a way to purchase fuel for our vehicles should our digital ID/passport/social credit denies us the right to do so for whatever reason of non-compliance or resistance that we offer.

Such dark times we are in. It is so hard to find hope in a world like this. It would take an unexpected miracle to pull off.

And perhaps that is what we are to expect next. 

But, as with everything else, even a miracle can be manipulated should the mainstream media decide not to report upon it.

How would we know, if Canadians will have their internet soon restricted and controlled by the passing of Bill C-11 that anything in the world reported upon is true? A miracle would have to escape the control mechanism that has infiltrated all of our institutions, government bodies and... 

I could go on and on about how hopeless it looks. What happens if we cannot get the truth? If the internet is restricted or censored? If a nuclear bomb went off in New York and the powers that be decide against it being reported, would we ever get to know?

If a resistance movement is successful in a certain part of the world, will we get to know?

If a terrible crime is committed or the rate of suicide dramatically increases, will we be given the facts? Can we trust the numbers presented to us as truth? Do the powers that be have ability and capability to be able to shut out this kind of information?

It seems like they do. Twitter, Facebook, Reddit... there are no safe havens online for men like me to freely converse upon without the feeling that all of my words are being recorded and scrutinized for key triggers that will prompt a human review, which will then label me in a certain way so that I may never be able to get employment, a house, a girlfriend, medical assistance, a rental property, food and so on.

If everything goes digital, we are DONE.

And it is the direction we are headed towards. Total surveillance through our smart phones and total control by artificial intelligence and algorithms.

There will come a time when we may not be able to investigate the truth for ourselves and instead are expected to accept a narrative and explanation provided for us by unelected figures of "authority".

Such darkness. Such madness and evil on this planet.

I have been reading up on all of this for over two years. Spending hours each day looking at the screen in my hands, realizing that any kind of dependency is a means of control and we are all being controlled whether we like it or not.

Not a single one of us can manufacture a car from scratch. Not a single one of us can refine and produce fuel outside of government control and regulation. 

And if that becomes controlled and payment is in digital dollars which can be tracked and allocated only to those who obey the "rules"; this then means no heat, no travel, no power.

No living.

Unless we are given permission to do any of the things we desire to do.

This is... the greatest evil perpetuated upon humanity since the beginning of our existence.

And... there is much that I felt guilty and shameful about as I sat on the park bench. The way I lived and loved was not how I wanted it to be. 

All those years of my life being enamored by technology, by media... books and songs and stories...

It's all coming down like the towers on 9/11.

And the majority of people do not appear to have critical thought enough to realize that something doesn't smell right or the foresight to see where this is all going.

Not only is humanity being threatened, coerced and controlled by deviant psychopaths who want to erase our cultural, national and gender identities, but many of us have unwittingly assisted these monsters in building the prison walls that are forming around our souls.

Because let's face it, most everything is controlled by technology these days and when technology restricts or bans certain undesirables from using it; it wields the power of life and death. Over our means to get a job, to pursue a meaningful career, to find a lover, a spouse, to have children and raise them to feel optimistic and excited about the future... It's all connected to technology at some level and such technology is being controlled in the hands of a very tiny few.

I weep for this world, as I stuff a handful of chocolate almonds into my mouth, knowing well that these candies may no longer exist at a certain time in the future or become prohibitively expensive to buy.

All I can do is let the numbness take over and try not to deny myself some of the things that I enjoy consuming.

There is no future for us here. Even the most obedient among us will revolt at some point, realizing that such a system of control is unnatural and avenues to realize one's happiness will come at a hefty price.

There are 36 "smart" cities planned by the World Economic Forum and the only one in Canada will be Toronto.

The rest of this country will be taken to their knees. By way of vaccine injuries, civil war, poverty, homelessness or all and many combinations of the above.

I feel so tired writing about all this. There is no hope for us.

No hope but a miracle.

Please God, should you be good and merciful.

Hear the cries among us who knows the truth.

We must be delivered from this evil.

We must.

For then there shall be no reason or way for us to live.

There will be no hope.

Humanity will be finished.

I feel like this is the last "normal" summer of our lives.

I...

...I 

I have no words left in these fingers of mine.

My eyes are tired, my heart weary, my mind blank.

...

and still.. I know I went through this life with the best of intentions.

Even if I didn't accomplish much.

I am grateful for the good times that I had.

But I hate how we've all become.

I loathe those who refuse to think, to question, to examine.

Those that do not desire truth will be fed a dish of lies.

Until they realize themselves of an empty stomach, hungry once more.

For something better.

...

I am tired.

I feel soulless.

Heavy.

I don't know how to conclude this post.

It is dark outside. Cloudy skies. Noisy traffic going by.

It is what it is.

A Concrete Block On My Back

 There are no monkeys on anyone's backs now. It's concrete. Heavy concrete blocks that are weighing each of us Truth tellers down.

 Because what is happening right now in this country and in most parts of the world is a heavy and horrific burden to bear.

Today as I sat by the North Saskatchewan river feeling the sun against my skin, my mind welcomed the brief recess I'd given towards consuming news articles, videos and podcasts on my phone.

My thoughts wandered and turned to thinking about the precipice that humanity as found itself upon.

We are living in dangerous times. All institutions of value and influence has been compromised, captured or otherwise taken out of commission.

Social media is an unreliable source of news, censorship abounds, Steve Bannon was found guilty of contempt towards congress for his refusal to become a political pawn.

And yet, he has become one. Two years in jail is the maximum sentence with sentencing scheduled to happen in October.

Tamara Lich continues to languish in jail. Yet oddly enough, Artur Pavlovsky the Canadian preacher who went viral for yelling at the "gestapo" (Alberta Health Services) to leave church services that they have intruded upon.

And the people who were escorted into the capital building on Jan 6th are still in jail a year and a half later.

It has become beyond obvious at this point. Corruption in government, in health care, in media and corporations has reached levels that appear to be beyond repair.

Humanity is being forced against it's will into a new paradigm. One where we will be eating bugs and will no longer be happy.

Because at that point, all freedom is lost. We will be tracked from birth to death with everything known about us. What we eat. What our preferences are. What type of media we consume, what we think.

And...

It is very hard for me to find a silver lining in any of all this. A glimmer of hope. A chance to reverse all this damage and restore trust and faith in our institutions.

When human rights activists around the world turn a blind eye to the forced inoculation of billions of people on the planet, you know that society has given up its backbone and freedom will be a word that our children will have difficulty in imagining the meaning and experience of.

From birth to death.

A part of me is wanting to say, "well, quite a pickle we got ourselves into" in a way that keeps the door open for some recourse or lesson to be learned before society returns to normal.

It does not look like society will be returning to normal anytime soon.

We are being pushed towards the technocratic new world order where a small handful of individuals hold the keys to what we can and cannot do on this planet.

It seems, as I sat by the river looking out into the distance, that there will no longer be a point to living if we are not free to go about our lives unimpeded. We will have become slaves to a system that was meant to serve us and is now working to enrich the psychopaths who have installed themselves into the highest seats of power.

The less than 1% controlling 99% of the rest of us.

Whitesnake "Here I Go Again" is playing on my headphones as I write this. I have not listened to music for any meaningful length of time in the past couple of months. If not longer.

I am being reminded of days past that are no longer with us and unlikely to emerge again. For who knows how long.

Until humanity finds reason to be optimistic again, I suppose. Until we are free.

Stargate the movie spoke of aliens and their technology having enslaved us thousands of years ago. Eventually at the end, humanity pulls together and with the help of James Wood and Kurt Russell, finds their freedom restored.

Is this real life? Or is it a fantasy?

We're caught in a landslide going down to the bottom of the mud pit. 

And it will not be easy to extricate ourselves from this mess.

What's worse, it seems at least half the population is asleep to all that is going on and the ramifications of such evil being allowed free reign. 

But... it almost seems like they deserve such a fate for not being able to exercise discernment.

9/11 was the wake-up call. The test to see just how oblivious people are and how effective propaganda can be in presenting a false narrative that many shrug their shoulders and end up accepting. 

That collective shrug of shoulders is what got us here.

My heart and soul has finished weeping for their fate. There is not much anyone can do to help the sleepers awaken to what is going on. It has been over two years and each day something new is reported on that further closes the walls of our cell, resembling much the scene from A New Hope where Luke, Leia, Hans and Chewie are in the garbage compactor fighting with all of their strength to keep from getting crushed.

Except in this case, a good amount of people are not fighting with all of their strength. It almost seems as if they are simply sitting on the floor watching the few of us look upon them with disbelief at their unwillingness to turn the tides of their fate.

It seems that they choose to give up on humanity by giving up on themselves. By not exercising the gift of discernment which apparently, many have not developed to a degree sufficient enough to warrant a massive outrage against those responsible for the crisis we have found ourselves in.

Lord help us Jesus. Our souls are in your hands.

...and I cannot help but flinch inwardly as the brief recollection of past experiences flitter across my mind. 

Because there was more than 1 occasion that I felt myself to be that man crucified on the cross. Feeling as he felt. Thinking as he thought.

Loving as he loved.

His Father, who art in Heaven.

And with all I have studied and learned over the years, I feel like the Truth of our reality is emerging from its hidden depths as billions of us are being enslaved by a small group of power-hungry, psychopathic deviant tyrants.

That concrete block weighing down on my mind continues to press itself.

Harder and harder with each passing day.

Fear is the lowest level of faith.

May we experience the hand of God Himself at our side as we navigate this troubled, evil world.

May God save us.

For there would be no reason left to exist if he did not do so.

Survival of the fittest is a lie.

Truth can never be destroyed.

It will always find a way.

In this life or the next.

...

For there would be no reason to be.

If Truth was not upheld by a divine hand.,

For it would prove that divinity cannot exist should it fail to render aid at a time when help is most needed.

And that is the scariest part.

Fear is the lowest level of faith.

And we are immortal beings.

Let us go forth with sadness but with conviction and service of the Truth.

An empire of lies cannot last for long.

Before it crumbles.

Let it go.

Let it go.

Let it go for good.

New Day New Dawn

 Two years. It has been two years of being at home, without work and watching the beginning of the world catching on fire.

It can be hard to bear at times, such as tonight, right now as I feel the urge to type about what has been going through my mind. To organize loose thoughts, connect ideas, lay out a plan and means of survival for the future.

Just an hour ago I was in bed scrolling through Twitter and saw a post by Jordan Peterson expressing unusual displeasure at a Canadian bill being considered in the senate called Bill C-11.

This bill is about internet censorship in Canada. As far as I can tell, it also looks like privacy might be compromised among those that access internet sites which may not be in line with the "official" narrative of what Justin Trudeau, the Liberals, the New Democratic Party and the World Economic Forum wants.

They want control. Complete control over everyone. 

And, this spurred me onto other thoughts and news I had consumed earlier in the day. Prior to the tweet, I had been listening to Charlie Robinson of Microaggressions talking about what is going on with drag queen story hour and how pedophilia is being normalized in schools and universities.

It is a terrible evil that has been unleashed upon the American and Canadian public.

It is even more so, should terrible news outside of the country fail to make it inside of our borders for us to know about. How will we receive news that could be of critical importance and understanding if certain news sources are blocked within Canadian jurisdiction? Should a catastrophe befall a certain country, nation or person that threatens the "official" narrative, how would we know of it? Would we be living in ignorance? Oblivious to the going-ons of the world outside of Canada? Or not being able to access truthful and factual information, simply because it is damaging to the political ruling class?

When the RCMP commissioner at the time of the deadly Nova Scotia shootings two years ago, today, was found out to have acted upon a political decision in her characterization and handling of the incident upon request by the PM office; it is extremely concerning so see how easily people are manipulated into acting in unlawful and unethical ways, simply to advance an agenda.

It's events like the shooting at Ulvade in the States that draws attention to the state of law and order in both countries. The mainstream state media is given directive to cast the incident in the most horrifying light possible and strangely enough, legislation is soon tabled with further restrictions in place for Canadians and Americans. Red flag laws for America, handgun ban for Canadians.

It truly is an evil being unleashed upon the Western Hemisphere. Upon us. Good and innocent people who grew up in a world that seemed chaotic but fair. A world where humanity expressed love and faith through songs, books, movies and art. 

I don't see much of what it used to be, these days. Not much of how it was at all when I was a young boy happily looking forward to activities that today's children are unable to experience in the same way that I did. 

The 1980s were an imperfect decade, as all of them were, but culturally it was rich and filled with promise. Rock stars sold out giant stadiums filled with adoring fans all clustered together and cheering with no regard for viruses or social-distancing or anyone dehumanizing themselves by wearing a mask.

I miss those days. Eating sugary cereal from a big bowl with a wooden spoon in front of the television watching the Smurfs. The WWF and Stampede Wrestling. Video Hits and MTV where music videos was all that was on. 24/7.

The hair, the clothes, the attitude and beliefs. Humanity and America were once defined by the opulence and style of each of the decades. America's greatest export has always been culture. From Elvis Presley to Ronald Reagan, NBA basketball and Kanye West; American values and ideals were all represented through various mediums and public figures. 

And now, the soul of humanity itself appears to be tested in these times, as the 2020s will hereafter be forever known as the "covid-19" years where hysterics and accompanying legislation were produced to the effect of wrecking the global economy in exchange for keeping us "safe" from a virus that originally had a less than 2% mortality rate with the majority of deaths occurring in otherwise unhealthy people with several other health conditions sensitive to the effect of respiratory illness and disease.

As I lay here on the couch, looking at the time past midnight and feeling quite awake; I feel a clarity that somehow permeates my spirit. There were moments when I followed my thoughts about the various news items of the day to their logical conclusions and felt the potential of fear intruding upon my heart, threatening to coat it in a thick slime that hardens to the plight of the world.

But I have dealt with fear before. There is no point to any of it. Living with fear is different than living with preparedness. With faith and divine guidance, we are often lead to consider destinations and avenues of growth that heretofore may have remained unknown to us. We are presented with the simple choice of do or do not. Do we do? Or do not? 

Each step and thought preceding it stems from one's interpretation of the data the world presents and the individual place within it. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I meant to do? Are some of the questions that have shaped and oriented our lives. 

And for these inquiries, access to the wisdom of the heart often fulfills what news websites and social media cannot. 

When I feel moments of helplessness and compassion for the most of us who are affected; I tend to smoke like a chimney. I'll go outside every 20 minutes for a cigarette to get a break from the information I am digesting online. School shootings and gun legislation, Sri Lanka going bankrupt, China using covid-health apps to restrict the ability of citizens to withdraw money from the banks.

It all piles up and weighs upon me.

Until I step outside, look around, and see that the world is still standing. The sun is still shining. The breeze is still blowing.

The world as beautiful as it always was.

And when I breath in the distinct smell of a forthcoming rain, I feel charged, alive and a part of the human experience that does not include political affiliation as a requisite for the enjoyment of life.

The life that I have been given by the Creator, to do as must be done. 

To realize the purpose that each of us have are expected to fulfill.

To that, I wish you well dear reader, should you be experiencing similar concerns and thoughts.

Let the Truth guide our way.

In a new day and dawn.

Until the end of time.

Bless.

A Snake Biting It's Own Tail

 How would the future look like if we don't give our kids anything to get excited about? To tell them that the dream worth realizing is presented to them through a conniving media and is completely distorted and detached from the values we all should hold dear.

Justice. Truth, Beauty, Love.

Without these things, life would not be worth living. These are all stuctural beams holding up the bedrock of modern civilization and are the key components of individual and collective happiness.

Because when we feel safe, we can express the truth. When we can express our truth, we become beautiful and when we become beautiful, we express love and that creates a ripple that is felt to every corner of this earth even by those who aren't directly aware of it. They are able to feel it on a deeper and more psychic level.

I'm sorry my blog, for not updating as long as I have. I just bought a new laptop a few days ago rationalizing this purchase by claiming that I can't type well and effectively with the keyboard on the laptop I bought a year ago. And it's true, it was such a cramped keyboard because of that second screen on the top of it. It was a 14 inch too. This new HP Envy 15" has been such a joy so far to use. Although I'm not particularly fond of how clicky-sounding the trackpad is when I press it.

It has been a while, huh? I don't know what to cover. Still single, still alone and unsure of what to do. I'm still seeing signs about my taking a big risk and aiming to realize my dreams and... it's just that I'm not completely sure what the steps are to get to the realization of those dreams. Like, owning an acreage and buying a nice home for my mother... how would I be getting from here to there?

So... it's been a rather uneventful last few months to be honest. I think I did cover my trip to... Oooh, I don't think I did. My trip to Vancouver in May where I rented a huge white Ford Expedition that I didn't honestly need all that much space for and I went for a two day drive to Vancouver. Stayed at a couple of AirBnbs along the way and met with family members I haven't seen in a long time. It was quite an experience. Maybe I should write down some of the highlights while I can still remember them.

I started smoking cigarettes again once I arrived at the first gas station in Vancouver. I thought I would celebrate my arrival and unfortunately I became hooked again, buying almost a pack a day until around four days ago when I had my last one. So, that's been quite a few months of puffing on those poison sticks. I mean I love the buzz they give me but I also noticed that there's been an apathy that developed when I started smoking again. I started to care less and less about the world around me. We're in a pandemic, everyone has to get vaccinated, I GET IT. But leave me alone... I can't get the needle anyways. Heart condition, allergic reaction to one of the ingrediants and my immune system has been quite robust for the past several years. I can't remember the last time I was sick. It's so strange to see the news filled with talk about cases when I don't even know of anyone who has been sick enough for needing to have a vaccine to prevent it. I don't think anyone under 70 really has to be concerned about it.

Man... I picked a bad time to decide to start typing. It's almost three in the morning and I need to pray and get to sleep. But... I'm working on stuff. I'm hoping with this new laptop it will get me excited enough to begin writing more again. There are two things that are missing in my life right now that used to bring me great joy and that is reading interesting books and writing fun and meaningful and personal stuff. Reading and writing, that's about all I need.

And I was going to say "and a woman" but then wonder if that is even a good idea for me right now. I do want a companion I get along well with but I have to be honest and say that right now I'm not a man that has carved out his place in the world. I'm still unsure what my role is in the grand scheme of things. Even in the local scheme of things. But I do know that I have been watched and directed before and I will be again. When my intuition kicks in, and I embrace and accept myself for who I am completely and appreciate and engage with the world around me, then... life is great and a woman would only add to it.

Instead, I've been with mostly women who have subtracted value from my life. Maybe that is the mistake I have been making. I should demand a relationship where both people are interested in adding to each other's life and happiness by giving them all the gifts that love has to offer. Love is transformative and although I still haven't heard from Fola since December, I know she has been changed by it and is still changing from the experience she's had by being my girlfriend for almost three years.

It's tough sometimes to face those memories and figure out where I am to be held accountable for the failure of the relationship. We had it pretty good. I don't know why she was so ...selfish and flaky. Just causing problems rather than building anything harmonious. In the months since we broke up, I really spent a lot of time evaluating the relationship and my role in it. I don't think I did anything wrong. What attracted her to me in the first place should have been appreciated and paid attention towards rather than taken for granted like it was. She didn't care enough. Didn't water and fertilize the soil we were rooted in. Didn't want to grow together and become better people. Wouldn't have been possible anyways since she doesn't have a system of values that are helping to direct her steps.

This is a problem that is endemic in western culture. The degradation of our value system and the apologetic way we defend them from being infringed upon. 

I know this is me cutting it short and I didn't finish talking about my trip to Vancouver but I really need to get to sleep. I feel good that I came on here to write what I did. I do like this new keyboard and the more I enjoy doing something the more I will keep doing it and so I hope to be back here soon with a better update. Even though I'm the only person who reads this blog.

I think.

Hmm. Life is strange. The situation we're in is strange.

We can only laugh because crying is for those who have allowed themselves to be victimized.

And the strongest amongst us are rarely the victims of anything outside of their own designs.

May the Creator smile upon them.

Because this is the age of heros.

And we need an army of them to restore all that humanity has previously stood for.

Truth. Beauty. Love and Justice.

And a society that cares enough to cherish these things.

I can only pray that this may someday soon be the case.

Good night my blog.

May the hearts and souls of us all rise up in these turbulent times.

And may these men and women immortalize themselves through their battles.

The world is watching.

Chronos Trigger

It's been a while since I posted, my blog, and it's only because I accidentally hit the Blogger icon on my phone that made me consider posting.

Live has been interesting to me in the past while. My love in NH... Heh... Has written to me. An email. But that's really new as of yesterday so I don't want to talk too much about it until I receive a reply from her. It's been... Sighs... 36 hours since I sent mine along. I hope she got it and will write back soon. I really want to hear her voice on the phone and I refuse to be used or taken advantaged of. So... We'll see how this shakes out.

No Fola lately. Not for... About a month and a half now since that outburst of mine where I told her with complete honesty how much pain and hurt she inflicted on me. She didn't like that. So... A month and a half since I saw her last. 

And that's fine. Because I deserve better. I have so much to offer the right lady. I know my worth and now understand the similarities between Lauren and Fola as well as the lesson contained within these two relationships for me to have learned. 

And I hope I have learned it enough to progress to the next step. I'm ready as I'll ever be. 

And... The next step has been a series of inches forward that I'm fortunate enough to notice and appreciate. Any progress towards my dreams and goals are very appreciated no matter how small or insignificant it seems to be. 

For one day I had over 200k in my bank account because of GameStop. I didn't cash out at the peak because I thought we had one more green day ahead and we didn't. But that's okay. I know enough to trust the plan at this point and I did sell a few shares in the four hundred range anyways.

Crypto is crazy. My Cardano is going nuts. Staked too, and I'm extremely grateful. Same with weedstocks. They're going parabolic. 

So what's is the end game? For me, it's no debt and six million dollars. Lena Paille. My mother happily retired and living in a beautiful new home. Justin and Seth living on a piece of land that I bought for them and my life being blessed with great service and purpose towards God. That's all I know and want at the moment. 

And each of these are unfolding to me. In ways both big and small. I am truly blessed. Thank you. 

There is an element of uncertainty to all this. Complete faith seems both easy and difficult to maintain. I find it easy to believe but it's hard to believe at times, if that makes any sense. What's the catch? 

And maybe there is no catch. Maybe there really is an intelligence out there that loves me and is able to bend reality. Whether that intelligence is coming from me or not or a combination of something is anyone's guess. 

And I don't really have to worry about the specifics. I just know that I'm loved and I love. That's all that matters. Right?

I'm alone. I miss not having someone to curl up in bed with or have a vulnerable, honest conversation but that's coming. I know it's coming, and I am prepared to receive it once it arrives. 

I'm not out of debt yet and too, can be saddening but... I again know that it is not going to last. This too, shall pass. 

My mother... Well... She's no longer with Chris after decades of being together. My wish for her to be happily retired and living in a beautiful new home is slowly being realized. 

It's amazing, really. I sometimes want to grab a stranger on the street and tell them how good God has been to me and can be for others, but not everyone is able to receive this message. I mean, they receive it, but they don't... Allow themselves to truly believe it. 

So I keep these thoughts mainly to myself. God to me is different than the God that appears to others. It's a relationship and many people are not taking it seriously enough in their own lives to cultivate anything of meaning, abundance, love and commitment to really bring out the best part of themselves that does not rely upon rigid ideology or dogma to sustain itself with. Even an atheist can believe in the God I believe. There is no leap of logic to be making when the truth of the matter is in plain sight everywhere one looks.

So... Anyways. I consider this an experiment. How far can I go? How high can I fly? What would it be like if Icarus had a time machine and could rewind himself back to the moments before his untimely death? Would he have gone as high as he did? No. And he would be in eternal bliss for knowing where the line rests. 

And I feel like I am developing a good sense of where the boundaries are between myself and the rest of the world. Myself and God. 

I respect the line and it is being recognized and reciprocated. I am excited for the opportunity to be on the other side of that line someday. To serve another as I have been served myself. 

Yet, life is unfinished with many roads to drive before I reach each of my destinations. I feel it. I feel this so deeply that it no longer occupies my running thoughts. It's just there. A silent knowing of immutable truth contained within this fleshy cage of mine. 

And it is truly wonderful to experience. 

Thank you blog. Thank you Fola. Lena. Mom. Justin and Seth. 

Thank you God and all the arms and fingers and toes of It. 

Thank you David. For trying your very best. 

Thank you. 

The Wheel of Karma Turns Again

 ...One week since Fola broke up with me. Yep. On her birthday this time.

I had to shrug my shoulders with a smile when my mom asked about this. We broke up again. No surprise there mom.

"I don't know what to say" she said. "I'm not sure what I can tell you."

And she doesn't have to say anything. When she asked what the reasons were for this time, I had some real trouble trying to explain it myself.

We broke up because Fola ... well, gave up on us. Said she "needed" to do this. Whatever that means.

She's needed to do a lot of things in the time we were together. Last broke up was for reasons of a double-standard. I couldn't talk to that one girl who reached out to me for help with her spiritual emergency, even though I told Fola about this person. Apparently I "lied" to Fola by... uhm...

Yeah, no. I didn't lie. But Fola wanted to fold in my conversation with the person on Instagram as part of the "lie". Apparently I was supposed to tell Fola that we talked on Instagram as well. Which is not a big deal because who cares if it was on email and then Instagram? Besides, the person I was helping wanted me to see her paintings on Instagram and while on there, I noticed she was online so I opened up a chat.

Big deal. The double-standard is that Fola can talk to as many guys as she likes about their spiritual emergencies. Or just talk to guys in general. I still remember her words and the way she laughed at my not liking this, saying "get used to it! there's going to be a lot more!" or something along those lines.

... 

Hypocrisy at it's finest. Either that, or I just don't know how a woman's mind works. Sure, they don't want to take responsibility for their actions and so many of them operate off of emotions rather than logic but is it really THIS bad with them? I feel like they are an alien species at times, and I often find myself wondering if I needed to adjust myself to this fact. That maybe there is NO such thing as an equal partnership except the illusion of one that must be maintained at all times. 

I've read David Deida, "The Way of the Superior Man" and... well, it seems like that is how it actually has to be. 

But one thing that I know I should take responsibility for is that I wasn't the man I could be while I was with Fola. Her masculine side overpowered me at times. I hated it. 

Prior to our breakup, the day before, she said that "sex was too much work" while in bed and I wanted to get intimate.

Too much work. My mind and heart sank at those words.

I was doing all the work. The foreplay. Taking initative.

She then told me to stop messing around and just "do it" meaning that I shouldn't beat around the bush and straight up rape her instead.

What a mess.

So many conflicting messages from that woman.

I'm tired thinking and writing about it. Too many mentions of her on my blog. Too much energy expended.

And for what? She thinks sex is too much "work".

All that for nothing. All that attention I gave her. All my time and energy and... it's too much work for her to want to be intimate with me when I need physical intimacy.

It didn't even have to be sex, I told her. Just have her be affectionate.

But, whatever. It is what it is.

I feel like she will always be confused and sending mixed messages. To whoever it will be in the future that decides to engage in a relationship with her.

I also know that it is because I wasn't expressing my masculine side that this all happened. Now I understand the importance of being vigiliant and to not let my guard down.

But I talked about this before, didn't I?

And yet I keep forgetting about it. 

I think the ideal is to keep a balance. To stay in the middle. Not too masculine, not too feminine. Just stay in the center.

Know when to express both. 

The week before our breakup, she called me a "magus" in bed. "I felt like I was with a magus" she texted. Next week, sex is too much "work" and the day before was "wasting time".

Okay, Fola. You do you.

Mixed messages from here onto all of eternity.

Sabotage. Guilt. Shame. Fear of commitment. All these traumas and things that you do will not be healed or resolved. At least not with me, so maybe breaking up was the right thing to do.

This really makes me wonder about the twin flame stuff. 

I just finished a four day peer-support class which I found extremely enlightening. I now understand the communication issues that Fola and I were having and was taught a model for problem solving that I find to be very useful and likely to assist me in the future.

If only I knew back then. And if only she knew how to listen to me whenever I complained or needed something from her.

She is not perfect. Neither am I. Together we are even more imperfect, it seems.

Yet... I know there's this... feeling inside of each of us that says we love each other. Although to be honest, I feel less certain of this than I was a month ago.

What love do I have for a woman who gives up this easily? Who sees my need for intimacy as "too much work" which is... hurtful and not indicative of love in the slightest.

But maybe our wires were crossed. She made the wrong assumption and said ... the wrong thing.

Why? I don't know why. But it was insensitive.

And I don't know how to deal with that. Man up? Suck it up? Carry on thinking that I need thicker skin or learn to be more assertive with my needs?

I'm thinking assertiveness was a problem on my end. 

Not communicating my needs was another.

Sighs. I am pretty tired of all this. I really am.

And this COVID stuff and the election fraud and all this fear in the world today is... 

Overwhelming to deal with at times, even though I am not particularly fearful. It's just overwhelming. Too much information. Too many things to stay current with.

I want to ensure my own safety and the safety of my loved ones. I can't do that without their support. If Fola gives up this easily on our relationship, then I can't count on her to be with me when things get potentially even harder to deal with.

She'd be the rat jumping off the sinking ship rather than work with me to patch a hole where the water is coming in.

No, that is not the kind of woman I want in my life.

I'll be blunt. I want to fuck her. I like talking to her at times but mainly I want to fuck her.

And that is pretty sad of me to admit.

That this is all this woman seems good for.

Someone to spend time with and fuck.

Sad, David... That is not a good relationship to be in.

And her... yeah... no. I'm really tired of thinking about this.

So much wasted potential with us.

I doubt this is the last I'll ever see of her. But maybe it is.

And maybe it's not... because I am considering to go for another miracle.

My birthday is coming up and I'd like her to show up at my house with lingerie on.

That's what I want right now. Just to see if it can happen.

I believe in my power as a creator. In my divinity and in the divinity of others whom many fail to recognize in themselves.

I want to affirm my faith. I enjoy getting confirmation for my use of it.

I don't like that this is what I am looking to use my faith for, but it is an easy way of getting proof.

And it benefits the both of us. Fola and I. 

So... I am considering it. I am mindful of the last two miracles. Having found her in the park and having her come out with me camping.

It can and will happen again if I so choose.

If the powers above and around will see fit to grant my request.

I know that I am not the God of all that there is, but I am certainly a Creator. A participant.

And so, I desire to create this particular outcome.

Sex with Fola by or on my birthday.

We will see how it goes and if I've learned what I needed to learn.

I'd like to put it into practise.

Thank you God. Thank you Infinite Intelligence.

Let's see what we can do.

Bobulinski on Carlson

What a strange video I have watched of a man on Tucker Carlson who was a business associate of the Biden family and claimed corroboration of sinister and greedy motives and crimes perpetuated by a currently running former Vice President who is running for the highest office in the land? If not the world?

With the release of more and more information regarding these criminals, it is a shock at the realization that I am having enough for me to imagine what it must feel to others. And I am a Canadian. I have issues more pressing to be paying attention towards in my own country rather than to these Americans.

But I feel so much empathy for them. The lack of justice in America is demoralizing and heartbreaking. It is not about George Floyd or others of his kind who have been held up as examples of a brutal and racist police force in which reformation came in the suggestion of reducing funds to agencies who are trusted with the interpretation and enaction of justice. It is about much more than that.

Justice has been so evasive of the American psyche in the decades of corruption, lies and acts of treason so obviously committed and carried out by figures of celebrity, politics and media. The crimes so blatantly impressed upon the minds of many, but have gone unrequited and a blackening of hearts towards the virtues of our highest and most storied institutions.

The Americans have been deceived long enough that they are beginning to wake up. To proudly stand for what is fair and just and love and true. Their values. The constitution. Their love for their country and communities. Neighbors and friends.

They're starved for justice.

And they deserve to have it.

But there is such a fear in the air that many are unwilling to observe and understand. It is this deeper, profound fear of a kind beyond our sanest imaginations. We are nakedly seeing the devil and many of us are cowed to their knees with fear and bowed heads.

That it is not what humanity needs to be. Or can be. Or should have to accept.

There are things worth dying for in this world. Protecting. Preserving and being an advocate for. These are values held with severe regard among the early founders of America by which who has inspired the world to become the enterprise that it is. This focal point by which we all dance about to the tune of.

And I thought about this evil and what it really is. I thought about how it can be looked at for the evil it represents as well as the reason for how it desires to exist. 

Then I also considered that in order for us to understand what is important, we must face this darkness and shine forth our light. To acknowledge with tender but stern expression, the purpose and motivations of these dark entities. To understand who it is that we are sitting across and to bow our head, not out of deference to fear but rather to sympathy, to compassion. To fairness and to faith.

Great faith, it seems, from what I have saw in this interview. Both from Carlson as well as Bobulinski who is certain to be facing a test of his faith in what he had revealed on live television to the world.

I was impressed by the courage of this man. He appeared truthful and sincere. I did not perceive any signs of an ulterior motive. I only saw what seemed like a man standing up for what is right and to clear his name.

Bobulinski will not back down from his faith. I can see that. Let us pray that others see this too and hope for him to be an example for the rest of us to follow.

Because we need all the inspiration we can get.

There is a terrible tragedy being forced upon the world. It is a disease that one has to be tested for in order to know they have it. A virus that takes people only one or two days to recover from, should they have it. A virus that normally clears itself out in five or six days. Comes and leaves. Many people are likely asymptomatic carriers and don't even realize it. Perhaps many of us already are immune and have developed anti-bodies to combat whatever this virus is supposed to be.

Because the death count is so low. Hard to believe how low it is for something that kills less people than vehicle accidents do.

It's sad how unjust this all is.

How unfair life has become. How much we've been lied towards. Betrayed and abandoned and ridiculed and divided amongst ourselves.

All the seams are unravelling. We are watching the swamp being drained and we are not liking what we are seeing.

But it has to be done. Evil only has power when it remains in the shadows, unseen by our eyes but known about in our hearts in such a faint way that it is easy for us to brush aside and overlook.

We kind of agreed collectively not to acknowledge the suffering of those that make up the community around us. Sometimes it was too painful to cross that threshold and acknowledge the divine spirit in one another. To see beyond the flesh and into the soul. To not see racial division, income inequality or a lack of opportunity and faith and the pains of love and separation.

We've collectively allowed for the dissonance to happen. For evil to attack us with these spiritual weapons of mass deception. We've collectively agreed to become victims. To wrongly take responsibilty for the transgression of the many as committed by a few. The few men and women who are truly responsible for why the world is the way it is.

A factory. An illusion. A playground. A jail.

There comes a time as all wheels do, to the beginning of the end and the end of the beginning and so we must again reaffirm our faith to that which has placed us here.

God.

A name that is contentious in certain circles and a name that has many other names across the spectrum of human faith.

But despite what it is referred towards, this spirit or entity or state of being and mind, the values are usually the same. 

Love, Truth, Beauty and Justice.

These are eternal values that will never die in the heart of any living being that has a modest affinity and appreciation for the privilege of being alive. To be thankful for what is an opportunity given to us across the vestiges of time and space, to be in this particular body at this particular moment in time.

We have gone through much worse in the past. Many have survived. And we will survive here, also, as we hold fast to what is nearest and dear to our hearts.

Viktor Frankl is an inspiring example of this.

But we do not have to be afraid to martyr ourselves for what we truly believe in. Sometimes we find ourselves uplifted and held high. Watched under the eyes of something that seems to protect us. To service our needs and to reveal opportunity in the places where we are least expect them to be.

So it is impressive and inspiring for me to see a courageous man like Tony Bobulinski get onto the public's radar to speak out his truth. Robbing evil of some of it's power. Attacking it in the light that it now stands. Away from the shadows it once inhabited.

It empowered me.

That is why I felt like I needed to come on here and post some of my thoughts. It felt like a moment worth recording for posterity. 

Such crazy times we live in when we are hated for speaking the truth.

A truth that has never changed in all the days from when man was first born.

A truth we all know each other to have.

A common understanding that permutes us all.

The divinity of our souls.

And I think these are the most exciting times of our lives. Evil is being revealed and we are being given the most important information and lessons by which we can identify and understand what we are dealing with. To not be undecided or amigious about where one's allegiance stands.

We are being asked to make a new kind of choice.

Or rather should I say, to re-affirm an old but eternal kind of choice?

The choice to stand up for or against the Truth.

The hardest choice there is in life. Guaranteed.

And the oldest.

That is why I applaud both Carlson and Bobulinski. Both of them held onto their truth. Let us all pray that they continue to do so because when they do, they will have won. Evil cannot touch them. It can only arouse the darkest part of their minds and test it against the convictions of their values.

Understandably, it can be a Herculean task for some.

And for others, it is the only way to be. The only weapon we have against a terrible evil that appears to be staring us down.

But it is truly the only way it can be.

Because Jesus was wise when he referred to himself as providing "living" water and in his honoring of the Truth.

The Truth carried him far. And perhaps also, the truth is not that he even died to speak it.

That perhaps the truth is he survived. 

And we are not to know any of this.

Much like other information we are not allowed to know.

But things appear to be revealing themselves in 2020. We are seeing the swamp being drained. We are beginning to see the faces of our opponents.

We now have to take a moment on the ropes as our mid-sections are being pounded by a boxer, to decide if we had enough and to fall to the canvas like a wet noodle, in relief.

Or do we conserve our strength and wait for the time to express it? Like a master would. Like Ali did against Foreman with the use of the infamous "rope a dope" strategy?

We play it smart. We play it tight.

We stay strong and keep our heads up high.

We learn to bluff. When to fold. When to go all-in and double down.

To take unpredictable chances using nothing more than our gut.

And our faith.

Thank you Tony. This article was all inspired by you.

I hope I did it justice.

Countdown to the Elections

 As the title says, we're so close to the American elections right now and I really am wondering how the world will change once we get the results.

A lot of people think elections don't matter. That they're rigged. That Donald Trump is "selected" not "elected" and I don't know what to say about all that. It is curious how he got elected in the first place when the polls had Hilary far ahead in the lead. 

There are two explanations for this, one is that DJT was "selected" and the electoral college bowed down to the whims of its globalist masters.

The other explanation is that DJT really was elected and this is the man that the people want.

Still though, I have no idea what is going to happen. Honestly I am surprised that this man is still alive given that he seems to be such a threat to globalism, the deep state and multinational big tech corporations. You would think he is too good to be true, but maybe he is true. Maybe he is legit and sincere.

That's the tricky part about all of what is going on. Do we have a genuine ray of hope to latch onto with all this BS in the world? Is DJT the savior? One thing about all this is that given the obvious amount of evil and corruption in this world, it almost seems like an impossibility for a man like DJT to even exist. But he does, and the question really is if he is the real deal.

In the almost four years since he's been elected, it seems like he's doing a great job. I don't see any policies being passed that hands over more power to Big Tech and the Pharma industry, although I see an increased amount of military spending which may well be necessary to have to have done. So he at least threw the military industrial complex a bone, but it might have been a needed one if as he said, stockpiles of ammunition was next to non-existent.

So these are trying times. Nail-biting times. And to be blunt, feels like the end times.

There is this book I came across at a thrift shop called "Trumpocalypse" which goes into detail about how Trump is pre-ordained by God and is the only man in the way of a New World Order being established. I can see this. What is particularly interesting is that the book came out a couple of years ago and has only proven its case more strongly since it's publication.

But I don't know how it will all shake out. If Biden gets elected, it seems like America will be going down the tubes. However, maybe that is what needs to happen before people wake up.

On the other hand, if DJT gets re-elected, maybe America will actually be made great again.

Last night as I was praying, I thought about what the plan is for all of us. There is no doubt that God exists and that humanity is on the verge of either radical transformation or technocratic tyranny. It seems like 2020 is the year of seeing clearly with 20/20 vision. What seems to be evident is how black and white things have been getting and it is much easier to choose a side than ever before.

Either you side with fear and anger, or you believe in goodness, love and truthfulness.

Many of the Democrats are on the side of fear and anger. As are the big media and tech corporations.

I know that we are under attack. If America falls, so will Canada. So will the idea of democracy in general. All without firing a single bullet. Subversion from within and without.

It is demoralizing to witness the rioting committed in the name of Black Lives Matter when we see no protesting happening for those killed by black on black violence in dangerous areas of Chicago that far out number however many die from police brutality these days.

People are being trained to be reactive, and not to think critically. This is dangerous on so many levels.

The question with this upcoming election is now about determining how many people are able to look past the fake news and propaganda. How many of us are willing to reject the technocratic narrative in favor of what we know to be in our hearts?

These are historical times. It is so easy to see the end of the world should ballot stuffing, media manipulation and foreign political influences manage to get Biden into office. But perhaps even if that were to happen, it wouldn't be as bad as... oh, who am I kidding. It would be bad if he got in.

So we'll see. I am taking today off from looking at any news or podcasts, videos, etc. Sunday is my digital detox day and although I'm typing this out on my laptop, I'll not be scrolling through my phone looking for the next dopamine hit. Just going to try and get myself centered and rejuvenated.

There is also more drama with Fola... ugh. I am so frustrated and confused by her. She has been telling me about this dinner that she was going to make for me and... well, it doesn't look like its happening.

I really don't know what to say about her other than it seems like she does not want us to have a happy relationship without putting any effort into it. Just excuses after excuses. But she sure appreciates the efforts that I put into it. That goes without saying.

So a part of me is wondering why am I still going along with this. Do I hate myself this much? Do I not deserve to be loved in a way that leaves little room for doubt? Am I sabotaging myself somehow? Do I deserve to be punished and disrespected like this?

That is why I got angry with her yesterday. You can't make a big deal about cooking a dinner for someone and then making excuses for not having to do it. Then she gets upset that I get upset... Although I feel my reaction is justified as I will not stand for being disrespected.

And yet, I allow her to get away with this behavior time and time again.

This makes me wonder just how afraid I am of being alone. Maybe that's all it is why that I am still in this "relationship" with her although she doesn't know if we are even in a relationship...

Honestly... she is not a bright individual. She is not compassionate, not very thoughtful or considerate... Just... a hedonist who feels entitled to my affections without having to give anything much in return.

And I feel like she genuinely wants to be abused. No surprise given what her upbringing was like. Big time daddy issues where she doesn't feel loved unless she's being yelled at.

What a messed up relationship we have.

But I believe that it can be overcome. It's hard. But can be done.

And maybe I am an idiot for believing in the possibility of her being healed from all of her BS because after three years, I am still seeing some of the same old issues coming up between us.

I know I deserve better but... 

Yeah... I don't know what that but is for. I can sense a wall come up whenever I get close to the truth of what this actually all is. Maybe I am supposed to break free from her and believe in my being deserving of love. Not this facsimile of it. This pretend version of what she thinks love is supposed to look like.

It's not love to tease someone with "I miss you, I want to fuck you" etc... and then show up at her place where she goes onto her laptop and ignores what was said only hours ago. 

I crave physical connection and she knows this. It sure isn't fun sitting next to her while she's on a laptop for over an hour, hoping she will be affectionate once she's done.

Talk about feeling like a piece of shit when a computer rivals my value.

Just wasting my time... it seems.

Anyways... 

I do deserve love and I get these small tastes of it from her. Maybe that's why I am so reluctant to let go because then I'll have nothing.

So maybe that scares me.

I know who it is that I want and I plan on sending her a letter. I hope it achieves something. 

I hope Lena will respond.

It's not something I am pinning my hopes on, but its worth a try.

I do believe in God but I am not sure what His plan is for me.

Sometimes what I want and what I need are two different things.

But I know what I want.

And I will continue praying until I get it.

Even if it may lead to the end of the world without my having received it.

At least then, I can enter the afterlife and say that I have tried and failed. That I've done my best to keep faith alive. 

And whatever shall be, will be.

Well... Let's hope that it won't come to this.

A happy ending is a real possibility, despite how society seems to be splitting at the seams.

I believe in God. I believe that I know who I am.

And I deserve so much more than this.

We'll see...God works in mysterious ways.

And... I've seen little miracles here and there.

So we'll see.

Anyways...

Off I go.

Second Wave

 It's been a while since I last wrote you, my blog, and... I have been having realizations and strangeness going on since. It never ends. Fola and I did end up going to Waterton, and it was... the manifestation of a miracle I had asked for.

I.. now... am in this place. This... the veil is being lifted around humanity and yet I find myself entrenched in an illusion that appears to be of my own making. Believing that Fola actually loves me.

The trouble with this statement is that... just a short while ago she sent me a text about the things she loves about me. Now... she's cold and indifferent and says "thank you" when I said that I love her after two weeks of no contact while she was at a Shamanic retreat in BC.

And the... realizations aren't kind ones. One of them involves my not respecting who I am enough to be settling for a woman like her. At the same time, it is rubbing against this desire of mine to want to be loved. A desire that seems to be over a decade in the making according to my blog. Wanting to be loved and not quite respecting myself enough to feel like I deserve it.

And settling instead for lies and deceit and betrayal.

That's... one of the things I have come about to understanding. How can anyone love someone who does not love themselves? This... changes as well, as I go through periods where I do love myself and it shows in the most... elevated and beautiful way... Like... the world itself changes when I embrace who I am and where I am in life.

And that has always been complicated and difficult for me to maintain because I am not clear on what is causing these fluctuations to happen. One week is a certain way, the next is another and... 

I don't like it.

Even now, as I texted Fola asking if I could call her on the phone, she says she is not in a talkative mood. And yet... I have almost always aquiesed to her request to call me. Because I want to please her.

And here is where she does not return the favour.

Sure... might be good reasons for it but I'm not mad. Just... well, disappointed to the verge of frustration that dances along the line crossing into anger, but not mad... 

These emotions are within my control and yet... 

I am a victim of them.

The days that I love myself... and the days that I don't... seems to depend on factors that I cannot figure out. I believe the same is with Fola. She says she loves me and then says something else to make me think otherwise.

Honestly, this kind of writing is pathetic.

I give her more power than she deserves.

I give her more attention than she deserves or has earned.

Very little is being reciprocated or sympathized with.

And that needs to change.

I feel that I am a good man. And I have some kind of problem with me that I can't put my finger on.

Was I not loved enough as a child? But... I didn't feel this yearning for love in my teens and early 20s.. maybe not even my mid 20s.

I think it started with Lauren all those years ago. She made me believe in love for the first time, really...

Although... it could even be with Michelle. My first girlfriend. Who awakened me to the idea of love... but I don't remember really being in love with her. More like lust and the feeling of being in a relationship for the first time. We didn't have much if anything in common.

And... thinking about this past month, I realize that miracles can happen when I put my mind and heart to them. But I am indecisive right now despite the successes I've generated thank to the machinations of the Creator and the blessings I have been given. Small and large.

So earlier today on my long walk in the dark of the night down a path bordered by tall trees, I posed a question to myself. What should the next miracle be? And... I feel something different in my heart right now. When I manifested these other miracles, the heart had a distinct glow to it. Now... it is... not a warmth but a presence. I find this interesting and of course, inexplicable and difficult to understand.

But from what I know of over the years, when my heart is vibrating or warm or feeling like it harbors a presence -- it often indicates an opportunity to make use of it or to herald an important event. Like it was when I met Fola... or the time when Amy broke up with me and I stared at myself through tears in the mirror and heard a clear strong voice telling me to keep my chin up. To wait for the right lady to come around.

So... I would like to experiment and request a miracle, should the powers up high and within see fit to grant one.

And... I'm not sure what to ask for. The world appears to be taken over by communism. There is... so much information and violence and resistance and propaganda and... lies... that it is incredibly easy to simply ask for peace. For I would like to be of service to the world somehow in this capacity. To come up with solutions to help others through this crisis. To prosper and thrive and become better people despite the many who ignorantly go about wearing masks. Even alone while driving.

And yet... I see people like that... or people out for a job with a mask on... and I can't help but feel a mild form of contempt for them. Why are they so compliant? Why are they ignorant? Are they fearful? What is going on in their minds to be wearing a mask outside with no one around when it is known that sunlight kills viruses and... just recently the CDC admitted that only 6% of reported deaths were from COVID alone. That brings the number down dramatically.

We are being played and... it hurts me to see people playing along with these lies.

And a part of me does not want to help the ignorant and another part does.

Another part really does.

And I think of my past life... how I once was and what I achieved and...

I don't know if the Creator wants me in that role again. I have offered myself up for this purpose and yet, the call has not been made obvious and straightforward enough for me to heed.

What is my destiny? My purpose? I seem only to care about the money I am making on the stock market. Although I am caring only enough to pay off my debts, I also have put out the request to make enough money somehow so that my mother can retire happily inside of a beautiful new home and for my friends Justin and Seth to be able to live on a nice property where they can pracitise homesteading and self-sufficiency.

But... What do I really want for my next miracle? What is easily achieved right now? What is most important and why am I leaning so heavily towards something that is self-serving?

To clarify, I am leaning towards the idea of having Fola wake herself up enough to love me again.

It sounds ridiculous and... my God... why is THIS what I want most?

Validation? From a woman that has caused me so much pain over the three years we've been together? Who now openly confesses to thinking about another guy? Who says "thank you" when I say that I love her? Who does not open herself up for a phone call despite the many times I've done it for her when I didn't feel like doing so?

Why am I so... obsessed with this woman? When many times before I wanted to be rid of her?

Why am I holding onto her so tightly?

And I can only answer that it must be because I want to feel loved. To have sex. Be intimate.

And yet she said to me earlier that we cannot be intimate.

She is setting the rules of the game in place here and it is not to my benefit and there is no agreement or consultation on my part.

No respect given.

And yet... I'm still wanting for her to love me like she claimed she did.

Despite her words, her action says something else altogether.

I suppose I want to punish her betrayal somehow... perhaps I have Stockhold Syndrome and I am loving my captor who punishes and humilates me.

That is such a shitty way to be. Although I have heard on a podcast with Matt Belair yesterday that Viktor Frankl of "Man's Search for Meaning" has himself mentioned that loving one's captor is how we transcend the hate in our hearts and evolve.

Perhaps this is what I must do and yet... I do not want to continue being disrespected and taken for granted.

I have so much to offer a woman.

But I must first offer that to myself... my life needs to come first before any other.

My purpose must be for more than to simply be in a loving relationship.

That... is not what I want the movie of my life to look like. This needy, sensitive, angry and vindictive and perhaps even manipulative person trying to get someone to love him.

It's pathetic.

So... perhaps I will focus on miracle #4 to be some form of transcendence from the wounds that I have been suffering since Lauren... or earlier... whatever it is that is making me feel so needy and insecure without intimacy in my life that I over-share and become more vulnerable than I need to be with someone who is unwilling to reciprocate and do the same.

 No. I must materialize respect for myself. Love for who I am. 

Admiration and appreciation for the soul that is within my body.

I have had miracles occur in the past. This heart of mine is a great teacher. Although it mumbles at times and I have difficulty understanding it; I always know that when it is feeling "filled" like it is right now, than it means that I am not alone. There is something else with me. 

It is something that loves who I am. Perhaps it is my soul or higher self that is pushing that "notification" into my heart for me to be able to feel it.

Perhaps it is trying to communicate with me the only way it can.

Through emotions and feelings.

This would make sense.. and it is a fine fiction to accept in the event that it is not actually what the truth is.

But I think chances are good that it IS the truth. That these feelings are a form of communication with something of divine origin and purpose.

One thing I have learned from Gregg Braden is that the universe can only communicate through emotions. Perhaps this is my opportunity to express gratitude for the love that is trying to make it's way through. Perhaps I may answer it with a love of my own. Appreciation. Genuine, sincere appreciation.

And.. though there is such darkness shrouded upon the world, I must not lose my faith in the goodness of who I am and what I have to offer. And to believe that there is still good people out there even if many have lost their way.

Perhaps I must look upon the mask wearers not with contempt but with sympathy.

Compassion.

For who am I to be telling someone how to live or think or feel?

And that is a common problem in my life. That I do not respect the soverignity of those who I deem to be in need of rescue from their prison of ignorance.

Some people do not want to leave those prisons.

Just like myself... they prefer to love their captor... to feel that abuse is warranted on some deep, subconscious level... and... to not allow any outside force to upset the comfort that they have built for themselves inside of confined walls that they are fearful of leaving behind.

I am not much better than they are. I am in a prison of my own making, just as they.

I am jailed by a woman who does not have my best interests in mind. Or she rarely does.

And that needs to stop.

Thank you for being here my blog. Writing on you helps in connecting more fully with my soul.

I love you.

I appreciate you.

And only fear can destroy us.

It shall not destroy me.

On The Merry Go Round

Well blog, my dear friend. I have so much going on with myself internally that I felt compelled to turn on the laptop and post a few things about it,

I just got back from spending a night on an island in a tent and with a bit of THC involved. It was a good experience. I have been exploring this need of mine to want to be with Fola again and I noticed there were so many fears attached to it. Namely around the guy she is infatuated with at the moment.

At one point while on my knees and looking at the sun, I had to be completely honest with myself and admit before God that I was scared. And... it felt good to admit it. Because lately I have been trying my best to be as authentic and truthful as possible with my emotions and who I am. Admitting something shameful was a step in the direction of my wanting to be honest.

And I think about past entries in my blog and all the stuff about how I wished Fola could be this or Fola could do that and I realize that I am such a control freak. Or perhaps, I was, because I no longer want to be that kind of man again. I realize now that the ebb and flow of life has to be surrendered towards for better or worse and I find that when I do surrender, wonderful things tend to happen.

For instance on Sunday night, I also was on the island and planned to stay overnight but didn't, because I was underprepared and it was getting cold inside my tent. I decided to take my boat out at 1am and paddle back to the car.

As I was paddling, I couldn't see where I needed to row towards. It was dark and though the sky was beautiful and filled with stars, I had to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing where to go.

My plan was to row towards the shore and then row alongside it with a flashlight as I find the spot where I needed to disembark.

But what happened while rowing is that I saw a bright light flash on for about a minute or so in the distance. It seemed to be from the general area where I had to row towards. So I did. And this bright light kept flashing at me off and on as I was heading towards it. I didn't know what it it was and a part of me thought it was the police wondering why my vehicle was abandoned and if maybe I drowned in the lake or something like that.

Turns out as I made it to shore, the "lighthouse" that I followed was a parked truck with steamed up windows and two people inside that I could barely see. What a welcome sight that was. I had the fear of not being able to find my way and these people just managed to be at this spot in an area that hardly has any visitors, at exactly the time I needed them to be. So I could find my way back to shore.

I don't know why they were turning the lights off and on but I'm glad they did and I thanked the Creator for allowing this moment to unfold as it did.

If you knew the area where I was at, really, nobody goes there. That's why I like it so much. This is why it was so strange to see this truck there at 2am guiding me along.

But that is how it all works. When I can trust my soul and listen to it, really listen, magical things can happen. I have had it happen about a month ago when I listened to the feeling in my heart and managed to find Fola in a park arriving at the exact same time I did. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't. I followed my heart.

So... Yeah... Last night was another emotional experience for me. I had to really dig inside myself to see who I was and what I wanted out of life. I decided that I love Fola and want her to come camping with me. I decided that I want to be in a relationship with her for a little while longer, so she can see that I've changed and I'm no longer the same man I once was.

I am better.

Braver and more confident.

I really appreciate feeling this way. I need to feel this way and I thank my higher self for making it possible.

One thing I thought about last night was exactly this. The soul. And I began thinking that if I am getting information from the soul then where is the soul getting its information from? I started to try and piece together a theory and came up with something that seemed to make a lot of sense. The soul also has a higher self and that higher self has a higher self. So theoretically we exist across multiple dimensions all linked by the soul in which at the very top of all this may well be God.

That was such a fascinating thought for me to have. Visualizing the multiple versions of myself that exists in these different realms.

And again... it makes sense. I find that when I trust my higher self, good things tend to happen. So why should I stop? Why shouldn't I make this my priority?

And so it is.

For better or worse.

I will have to surrender to this higher self and by doing so, my fears will be greatly reduced if I can hold this belief in my mind that I am being watched over and advised towards.

Because in the past, whenever I operate from this deeper connection, things seem to work out.

So... that's all I wanted to share today. Felt like I needed to get this down.

Thank you blog.

Thank you my Creator.

Thank you higher self.

May we move towards bigger and better things.