On The Merry Go Round

Well blog, my dear friend. I have so much going on with myself internally that I felt compelled to turn on the laptop and post a few things about it,

I just got back from spending a night on an island in a tent and with a bit of THC involved. It was a good experience. I have been exploring this need of mine to want to be with Fola again and I noticed there were so many fears attached to it. Namely around the guy she is infatuated with at the moment.

At one point while on my knees and looking at the sun, I had to be completely honest with myself and admit before God that I was scared. And... it felt good to admit it. Because lately I have been trying my best to be as authentic and truthful as possible with my emotions and who I am. Admitting something shameful was a step in the direction of my wanting to be honest.

And I think about past entries in my blog and all the stuff about how I wished Fola could be this or Fola could do that and I realize that I am such a control freak. Or perhaps, I was, because I no longer want to be that kind of man again. I realize now that the ebb and flow of life has to be surrendered towards for better or worse and I find that when I do surrender, wonderful things tend to happen.

For instance on Sunday night, I also was on the island and planned to stay overnight but didn't, because I was underprepared and it was getting cold inside my tent. I decided to take my boat out at 1am and paddle back to the car.

As I was paddling, I couldn't see where I needed to row towards. It was dark and though the sky was beautiful and filled with stars, I had to deal with the uncertainty of not knowing where to go.

My plan was to row towards the shore and then row alongside it with a flashlight as I find the spot where I needed to disembark.

But what happened while rowing is that I saw a bright light flash on for about a minute or so in the distance. It seemed to be from the general area where I had to row towards. So I did. And this bright light kept flashing at me off and on as I was heading towards it. I didn't know what it it was and a part of me thought it was the police wondering why my vehicle was abandoned and if maybe I drowned in the lake or something like that.

Turns out as I made it to shore, the "lighthouse" that I followed was a parked truck with steamed up windows and two people inside that I could barely see. What a welcome sight that was. I had the fear of not being able to find my way and these people just managed to be at this spot in an area that hardly has any visitors, at exactly the time I needed them to be. So I could find my way back to shore.

I don't know why they were turning the lights off and on but I'm glad they did and I thanked the Creator for allowing this moment to unfold as it did.

If you knew the area where I was at, really, nobody goes there. That's why I like it so much. This is why it was so strange to see this truck there at 2am guiding me along.

But that is how it all works. When I can trust my soul and listen to it, really listen, magical things can happen. I have had it happen about a month ago when I listened to the feeling in my heart and managed to find Fola in a park arriving at the exact same time I did. She thought I was stalking her but I wasn't. I followed my heart.

So... Yeah... Last night was another emotional experience for me. I had to really dig inside myself to see who I was and what I wanted out of life. I decided that I love Fola and want her to come camping with me. I decided that I want to be in a relationship with her for a little while longer, so she can see that I've changed and I'm no longer the same man I once was.

I am better.

Braver and more confident.

I really appreciate feeling this way. I need to feel this way and I thank my higher self for making it possible.

One thing I thought about last night was exactly this. The soul. And I began thinking that if I am getting information from the soul then where is the soul getting its information from? I started to try and piece together a theory and came up with something that seemed to make a lot of sense. The soul also has a higher self and that higher self has a higher self. So theoretically we exist across multiple dimensions all linked by the soul in which at the very top of all this may well be God.

That was such a fascinating thought for me to have. Visualizing the multiple versions of myself that exists in these different realms.

And again... it makes sense. I find that when I trust my higher self, good things tend to happen. So why should I stop? Why shouldn't I make this my priority?

And so it is.

For better or worse.

I will have to surrender to this higher self and by doing so, my fears will be greatly reduced if I can hold this belief in my mind that I am being watched over and advised towards.

Because in the past, whenever I operate from this deeper connection, things seem to work out.

So... that's all I wanted to share today. Felt like I needed to get this down.

Thank you blog.

Thank you my Creator.

Thank you higher self.

May we move towards bigger and better things.

Another Day, More Drifting

Strange start of the day. Early this morning I took a peek at Fola's YouTube channel and she uploaded a video talking about dreams. As you know, yesterday I had two strange dreams about her.

So I texted her asking what it was that inspired the video and mentioned I dreamed about her twice.

No response.

Like a chump, I wrote another text asking not to ignore my text and I had to laugh at myself at how dumb I've become.

I have to face that she... well, is not as nice a person as I'd like her to be.

Is she my "twin flame" ... Well... She is someone I have a strong connection with that's for sure. I still haven't decided what it could be.

And... sighs... I feel like I'm drifting. Not really getting anywhere. Still confused about my purpose on this planet. But... I still know that I need to surrender to a higher intelligence. Because it IS there. No doubt in my mind that it isn't.

This... means... Well, last night I went for a walk in the rain because I needed to get my 5,000 steps in (FitBit) and... the thought of all this... those feelings in my chest and knowing I have some kind of ally... It was comforting. I cried a small tear in the rain at night... around midnight and stood there. Looking up at the sky, feeling the drops on my face.

It was... good for me to do this. To think. And feel. And stay hopeful and connected.

There is a God.... something is and has guided me at various times throughout my life. I know this because... well... because I do. I feel like I have accumulated enough evidence to prove this is true.

What I don't understand is my relationship to this power. Is it me? Is it... external? Higher self?

I don't know and last night on my walk I was thinking that it was... this is all a simulation.

It really is a game.

And... I've noticed that.. these feelings in my heart and head are indicative of something mysterious and attentive...

So... while I don't understand it very well, I understand why it may not want to be understood.

But I am asking to understand it. I will do well with the knowledge received.

And this has produced a slight dilemma for me to consider.

Will I abuse this power?

I really hope that I don't. I don't want to use this information for superficial means. To know that I can manifest things. To have "psychic" powers.

I really only want to be happy. To find my purpose. To serve and to love and be loved.

By someone who deserves and has earned it.

And is willing to receive it in turn.

I... feel that I know who she is. She is... across the border and while I don't feel like I can simply go there and connect, I do know that any kind of plan being enacted takes time to execute even if don't know what it is or how it works.

I am choosing to believe there is a plan. Much of the events in my life appear to be in service of my personal evolution.

It was different being away from Fola... Three years together... My longest ever relationship and I still feel confused by her and perhaps women in general.

And I think she is still confused by me.

I'd need to be with someone who has nuance. Who can appreciate a complex view and doesn't judge quickly. Someone free and open with their heart and thoughts and feelings.

And fears... A shared vulnerability is so important.

Still though... this week is going to be an experiment for me. I want Fola to contact me. To come see me in person. I want to try and manifest this into being. I need to understand who is doing what and what I may be able to do.

Right now she is ignoring me. Fine. I cannot call or text or email or show up at her house.

I was drawn to her last week and somehow knew where she was.

So... I will try something a little different. I will try and bring her to me.

If I fail, that is okay. But I will do my best to ensure that I give this a good effort.

I need to know.

Wish me luck.

Set Adrift on Memory Bliss

I don't like this, blog.

Today was unusual and so was last week.

At around 330am I woke up from a dream which rarely happens. Both waking up at that time and remembering this particular dream.

In it, I recall a white guy that somehow was associated with Fola. Likely her new boyfriend (which I don't think she has) or someone she has designs on or something... In any case, the dream carried the message of her being with another guy. He had on a backward baseball cap and looked... uhm... like a jock.

Then later that same morning after falling asleep, I woke up with another dream of her. This time, Fola was talking about how it is better to love your community than to work on expressing love inside of a relationship. Strange how I remembered this dream too,

And... early in the morning, I started feeling that heat coming off of my chest. It lasted for about an hour or so. I felt strongly that it was connected to her. Maybe she was thinking or talking about me or something else was happening.

Later that afternoon at around 5, I felt it again. Same glowing warmth.

Want to hear something even stranger? This happened last Wednesday.

It was around 11am when I felt like going to the park. It was a nice day and I didn't feel like going to any of the ones in the Fort. So while driving, the words "Jackie Parker" came to mind and...

This is where it gets weird.

On the way there I start feeling warm in the chest again. It was intense. And I KNEW it was connected to Fola. It felt like... I don't know... this.. thing consuming me... I looked at the clock and mentally sent an image to her of me going to the park.

Took me about 30 minutes to get there while feeling all this and driving past her sister's house on the way. I fought the urge to drive around the block to see if I could spot her car.

So... I'm about ten minutes from the park where I see an SUV in front of me. There was people inside and a lot of movement. Someone was looking at me in the driver's side mirror and I was still feeling these strong sensations.

It took a few minutes of me to realize that it was her.

She was RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR.

As soon as she signaled to make a left turn to go into the park, I knew.

I shook my head.

And parked next to her where she came out with her sister and child.

This is STRANGE.

SO STRANGE.

Those feelings were STRONG. I just KNEW she was going to be there and she was.

We ended up hanging out and talking for over an hour for the first time in three months.

There... is no doubt that I believe in God. No doubt. But I was very confused. When I got out of my car my hands were shaking. I couldn't believe it. I remembered saying to myself on the way that this would be a good way to confirm these feelings and provide me of evidence for having faith and trusting my instincts.

And I was rewarded.

So... today... twice, I felt those feelings but I didn't feel a pull to go anywhere.

Since that incident, I have been trying to provoke that warmth. To analyze it. To figure out how it works.

And I have not solved this mystery yet.

But I do know that I have an ally of some kind. I do know that for a week prior, I wanted to see Fola again in person. We talked on the phone and it didn't go well.

And... I don't like this because I still don't think she's right for me. I just want us to be on good terms. To be friendly. To still hang out and talk and...

Respect what we once had. Respect each other.

This has been an interesting week for my faith. I know God exists and this is proof on top of other proofs. I have had these chest sensations before and they often preclude a positive event of some kind.

So, I'm going to trust it. Even as I type I feel a glimmer of warmth that has lasted for several hours now.

I... feel like I still don't know what to do with my life. I have been praying much more lately with greater depth of emotion and...

I'm going to keep doing that. I know who I am and who I was but I do not know what to do and where to go.

I will have to trust God with that. The Creator. The Intelligence. The Programmer. The Architect. Whatever and whoever it may be.

I've really been paying much closer attention to my connection lately. With Fola and with God.

And I admit that I... like this relationship. This... "miracle" has helped strengthen my faith and prompted me to consider it more fully.

Because as fun as "psychic powers" is, I don't care about having that. What I care about is knowing that I am being watched over, protected and guided.

And I have been guided to her that day.

I feel... that even though she is not the right lady for me, I feel that there is something that needs to be resolved. Or taught. Or learned.

It doesn't feel "over" to me yet.

And... I am kind of embarassed by my blog. I'm sorry. some of these entries are... so childlike and sloppy and... not particularly articulate that I don't know if I'd feel comfortable with people reading it. Nobody has. Except for Georgina. Once.

And that didn't go over very well.

So... I'm not sure... This feels so much like an important time to be alive. That... history is being made with all that's been going on with the virus and BLM and these things.

It almost feels like the end times are here.

And I want to set things right. I want Fola and I on good terms.

Not... like this. Distant. Not talking.

Bitter.

Pretending like the last three years didn't matter.

It... hurts in a way but... I'm not too bothered by it.

I know the woman that I want in my life and she is not here right now.

I want to get to her.

Or to have her come to me.

But the connection with Fola is unmistakable and I feel this needs to be explained or resolved before...

Before the next step. Whatever it is.

So... should my words have a magic of themselves as effective as prayer...

I ask you.. humbly... to have Fola come see me in person, soon.

I don't know how or why or when...

But this is something that I need. I need to see if it was my faith that had me behind her car going to the same place I was.

Was it all me? Or did she have something to do with it?

Are we linked? Can this link be broken or will it always endure?

Must this link be severed?

I don't know....

More questions to think about....

And... the days roll on without much to show for it.

Getting my polish passport. I need an exit strategy.

Strange also... that I feel so compelled to get it.

And I don't think Fola and her sister and Ivy would be able to leave Canada with me should the time ever come to do so.

So...

Yeah...

I am in God's hands...

And I am proud to be.

Even though I am quite confused at the moment.

The answers will come.

Ask and ye shall receive.

As it once was.

Amen.