The Road to Evolution is Long

It's been five days since I've received my new hearing aids. Phonak Audeo Marvels and...

The road to evolution is long.

First of all, this was a big step for me and hearing aids are something I should have gotten years ago. But... These ones are hard getting used to wearing. Mainly because of AutoSense 3.0 which is this program inside of them that automatically adjusts to whatever listening environment you're in. For instance, walk inside of a noisy restaurant and these hearing aids will mute sound around you so you can focus on the person speaking. Sounds great in theory but really, I dislike how I'm constantly having to hear these fades and mutes and changes in my hearing second by second, minute by minute.

And really... Why is it that I can hear someone talking across the street but when I am speaking with a cashier, their voice sounds muted and I have to strain to understand what they are saying?

AutoSense 3.0 is the default setting of these aids. I can't turn it "off". Best I can do is load up a custom program with as few bells and whistles enabled but even that is not a good solution. Mainly because the Phonak app simply reverts to AutoSense when the app is closed or the hearing aids disconnect from bluetooth which does happen regularly enough.

It's frustrating. So was getting fitted for these. Karen, my audiologist, seemed to have rushed me out the door without verifying the settings. No hearing test, no real-ear measures, just "how does it sound? good? great." while sitting across from me in relative silence. That doesn't sound like a professional fitting to me.

Well... what do I think of these hearing aids in general? They're interesting. Yes, some sounds are crisp and clear and I really like the bluetooth streaming from the TV but... talking to someone on the phone with these often results in poor audio for the caller as these hearing aids are picking up background noises and produces an echo effect. Not good. I tried disconnecting from them when sound quality was poor and placed the phone to my ear. That didn't work well either, as I couldn't hear what the caller was saying with a phone up against my hearing aid. Strange. So I had to pull the entire HA out just to have a phone conversation.

That's not good.

And the mild plugged up feeling I'm having isn't great either. There's a bit of an occlusion effect and it feels a lot like I'm going around with fingers in my ears. It's really obvious whenever I am talking or eating food.

Not good either.

I wish I could report that these aids make a huge difference but so far... they've been underwhelming.

I thought it would be harder to adjust to wearing them out in public, but I was surprised at how comfortable they are and how little I cared about what people think. That used to be such a barrier for me in getting them in the first place. I didn't want to be perceived as "different" from everyone else.

But really... these hearing aids are so small that they can hardly be seen. And... that helps with self-image a lot.

Yet... my confidence hasn't improved wearing them. On Saturday I nearly felt brought to tears after listening to them fade in and out with AutoSense making constant adjustments and I couldn't hear my own mother next to me because there was a bit of wind outside and the HA dampened everything around me.

I thought it was amazing that I could hear the turn signal on my car making a racket, but rolling down the window while driving changes the overall sound and I hear a muted environment.

Watching TV with them on and Fola next to me... geez.. I can't hear her very well if I'm looking directly at the screen. I have to face her just so the hearing aids "kick in" and mute background noises. It's frustrating and disconcerting to be at the mercy of some "intelligent" algorithm that dictates what it "thinks" you need to be listening to when really, I just want a constant, stable listening experience so I can forget that I am even wearing hearing aids.

Anyways...

That said... I feel frustrated and... distant lately. I'm... still unemployed and uncertain of my future and what concerns me is that I am not taking life very seriously. I... know I need money... to find a better career than insulating... to work on my resume, to make progress to have hope.... and... I just don't care it seems. I don't... feel optimistic about my future...

I feel depressed.

My own girlfriend doesn't help with any of this. She does in small ways, but not in the most meaningful of ones.

I feel like my life has been hijacked by her own. She's doing this expo soon and is asking me for help with various things.

... I don't know blog... I feel like my identity has crumbled.

And... though I said I feel depressed, honestly... I feel more defeated than depressed. More ignorant and oblivious than emotionally in tune with who I am.

I think... this distance... this apathy is a normal reaction to feelings of helplessness.

I try... and it feels like I fail. Getting hearing aids wasn't the huge transformation I hoped it would be. I thought it would completely change who I am and bring my personality back. Bring back home and optimism and confidence...

But... these things are still eroded.

And my reaction is to not... get all emotional about it.

Maybe I should cry... maybe I should laugh... but I'm in the middle somewhere.

All these things in the world are scaring me. The future scares me.

And... I can't keep on being scared.

If I can't be more optimistic, then I'll just... disconnect.

From myself and the world around me.

So yes... I need to reclaim myself. I feel... What I miss most is that feeling of connectedness. To myself, to others around me, to... life in general.

I find that I am caring less and less about the circumstances I'm in and that's not good.

I said in an earlier post that it was God's turn to show me the path to take. I'm seeing paths but not enough signs encouraging enough to convince myself with. Like... World Financial Group seems to be an option for a career, yet... I don't know how much of a struggle that would be. I'm concerned about the level of ambition and motivation required. I'm concerned about exactly what I will need to do in order to become successful while doing it. I need to keep looking into it before I commit.

But... I'm... not looking forward to integrating myself in with the world with these hearing aids. Given that they are acting as they do.

Thanks AutoSense 3.0. You've really dampened my enthusiasm for wearing them.

... Well.

Life goes on.

And I need to stop being still.

Your turn God.

I've gotten the hearing aids.

Now what?

Unhappy Valentine's Day

What a rough night yesterday was. It ended with Fola crying and me feeling helpless, unloved and at loss for words.

I think the catalyst was the moment when she asked me to show her affection. I wasn't doing that. I mean... I did earlier, but she didn't seem to enjoy it or felt like reciprocating.

So, I withdrew,

And when it came to the point later that day where she asked me to show her affection, I thought about how it has been with us the past few weeks where she didn't show much affection to me at all.

Some of the things that happened in that time include:

Her making a joke about fucking a guy "I'd let him fuck me" who we were watching in an interview.

Her making a joke about me being in a dress and that I'd make a good housewife.

Her making a joke (shortly after the dress) about me being Rose and her being Jack (from Titanic).

Her comment about how she would never want to have a baby with me because of my issues with hearing. The way she said this... made my heart sunk.

Her... still not moving in. Saying first that she wants her daughter to have a bed, but IKEA is sold out of the only one she wanted. This means she is not moving in until a bed is found. Oh... and she now doesn't have money to afford paying for a bed because of other expenses. I don't know when she is moving in but she isn't taking it seriously. It's been three months since we agreed for it to happen. She then said March is more likely, because her being at the Expo is stressful and time-consuming and moving out before it takes place is not something that is on her mind right now.

Other things have happened in those two weeks. Rejected me for sex twice. Wasn't affectionate. Withdrawn. Argumentative. Dismissed the concerns I've had with her behavior. Neglected my own need for affection and closeness. Answers with "I don't know" when asked about why she is feeling closed off. Answers "good" and "well" whenever I ask how a certain event is/was without adding anything further.

It just goes on and on.

Last night she asked for affection and the past two weeks have... left me feeling empty, jaded and emasculated.

I can't... just... be affectionate because she asks me to. I still felt the rejection and the pain of the last two weeks she's caused and... it doesn't just disappear with a snap of her fingers.

Yesterday we went for lunch at Tonys Pizza and then for a massage. Walking into Tony's had her look at me impassively with a "oh, hello" when I first saw her. No smile, no hug, no... affection.

The conversation that followed was awkward. I didn't feel... alive around her. I felt... like my guard was up and... my level of excitement was gone.

And of course... why would she open up and be affectionate when I'm withdrawn?

It's an ugly cycle with us.

But I feel like I've been shit on enough times in the past few weeks that... though it wasn't a conscious decision, I had every right to sulk and not feel connected to her.

I've tried to reach out to her a few times this week and it was... not reciprocated.

I've always been an affectionate person. I like touching. I like holding hands. I like hugs and kisses. I like sex.

But she doesn't care for these things.

Only when she wants them she does and that... usually means she wants them when I withdraw from her. When she's pushed me down far enough that I don't feel like being affectionate. That's when I'm asked for affection once she realizes that it's missing.

It's a stupid game.

Why does it have to be played like this?

Last night I bought her flowers, a book and a toy. I also cleaned up her kitchen. But none of that made any difference when it came to sitting on the couch afterwards. She didn't reach out to touch me. Didn't show any affection herself.

Saying "thank you" isn't enough. You have to show gratitude. Express it physically. At least for me that is what I want.

Anyone can say thank you. Takes less than a second to say these words. Takes more time and effort to show how thankful you actually are, which she doesn't often do.

Yes. She brought me a Valentine's day card with nice words on it and small gifts. I wasn't expecting that. We've never celebrated Valentine's Day before. She normally doesn't care about anniversaries or celebrations.

The first Valentine's Day we've had, she texted me a nice sexy photo collage of her body parts with Happy V-Day.

I miss that. She baked me blueberry scones in those early times as well.

Was enthusiastic about sex and excited to see and be with me.

...Guess those were the good old days.

So... last night she cried next to me on the couch after asking for affection and I brought up how much I was hurting.

I didn't know what to do.

I pulled her in and held her for a bit.

And... Had to go home... so I hugged and kissed her at the door and left.

Felt like I took initiative both times there. She didn't.

I don't think she leaned in for a kiss. I don't think she reached out for a hug at all yesterday.

Why does it have to fall on me?

There is no worse feeling when one needs something in a relationship and it gets rejected.

It's happened to me a few times in the last couple weeks and I began to withdraw. To stop being vulnerable or take initiative,

Of course she wouldn't be attracted to a withdrawn, closed-off partner.

But... fuck... why can't she see how much she's hurt me?

Why does she not think any of this damage needs repairing? Why won't she take my concerns seriously rather than get defensive and point fingers back at me and saying that she doesn't have to make up for anything?

That doesn't resolve arguments.

It fosters resentment. Apathy. Loss of connection.

If your partner tells you they are feeling hurt and invalidated and taken for granted... maybe the best thing to do is to really listen to what they're saying.

And take it seriously.

Seriously enough to ask if maybe... MAYBE, some of what your partner is feeling is something that you could be responsible for causing.

That's been a big problem in our relationship. Fola feels that individuals are accountable only to themselves. How I feel is not because of anything she's done, but because of a choice I've somehow made to feel a certain way. Therefore, I am responsible for the emotions that arise whenever someone hurts me.

That makes sense on a certain level. Yes, I can manage the reaction I feel whenever I get insulted or rejected but that doesn't absolve the perpetrator. It doesn't mean they can continue to attack and belittle and insult.

No. I can choose not to get upset. But I can also choose to remain skeptical and guarded around them from now on. Rightfully so, because why would I allow myself to be hurt or disrespected?

Why would I continue to put up with abuse?

But because she is my girlfriend and I see her frequently... The best option is not to hide or avoid but to... just withdraw.

At least for me, that is.

I've told her what bothers me and I keep telling her what bothers me... After that, it's in her hands.

She doesn't think she needs to make up for anything or that she's done anything wrong.

Yes... she's apologized for saying things like she doesn't want to have a baby with me because of my hearing but the damage something like that causes is not easily fixed overnight.

That damage lingers.

From her perspective, it was her saying something with impulsiveness and thoughtlessness and that it should be immediately forgiven after apologizing.

It's not so easily forgiven.

Saying "sorry" does not work when a certain amount of pain is caused to someone. Purposefully or through neglect. Or ignorance.

I doubt that if I punched an old lady on the street and said "sorry" that it would be acceptable enough for her and that she will move on, having forgiven me.

But that is what Fola expects. She doesn't think that apologies have to be earned. Forgiveness has to be earned.

It's... just her beliefs.

The fault is with me because I cannot seem to forgive her as easily as she likes.

There is a reason why I ruminate over certain incidents in our relationship.

Because that pain was not resolved or accounted for.

It was left out there like it meant nothing.

And then forgotten about.

She may not carry the wounds or memories of the things she's done, but I certainly do.

I have just read an article on Medium by Caitlin Johnstone in where she talks about power. She says:

"Power is the ability to control what happens. Absolute power is controlling what people think about what happens."

I feel absolutely powerless with Fola.

I can't do anything.

Do anything but be who I am.

A sensitive guy that tries to hide it.

Because few people appreciate or respect the depths of how I feel.

Maybe I want too much.

But after watching this video yesterday:

And seeing real happiness between people.

Maybe I am not wanting enough.

I deserve better.

Maybe she does too.

I don't know.

I have said in my last post that it is God's turn. That same day lead me to a few realizations.

And I'm thankful for them.

Thankful for the forces that helped.

But...

I still need help.

I still need a path forward.

Tuesday is when I'll be ordering hearing aids for the first time.

I haven't worn them since I was in grade four. Over thirty years ago.

That's... my path forward.

It's all I can do right now.

Your turn again God.

Please show me the way.

New Year New Post

Hi again blog, hate myself right now.

I hate this relationship. It's not what I want it to be.

Feels like I'm being emotionally starved. Yeah... She hasn't moved in yet. Just full of excuses.

Right now we're waiting until next week when a bed for her daughter is available to buy. Then, she'll move in.

She isn't helping with getting the place ready. Nothing of hers is being brought over.

Few days ago she tells me she is feeling "resistance" and doesn't know why.

I'm really tired of it.

So much drama.

I help her a lot and this morning... I find her sleeping on the couch. She tells me about this apocalyptic dream of hers and then... well, she gets on her phone and starts texting other people about her dream and does her Facebook stuff and messages and phone calls...

We didn't connect with each other.

I tried... After finding her on the couch and listening to her dream. Touching her... but... She went on her phone after that and a few hours went by like that.

Constantly distracted.

Pulled this way and that.

Not giving attention to this relationship. Asking me for things. "Can you be with me all weekend at the expo?" which is this event she is going to be setting a booth at. I designed her banner.

Didn't feel like it was all that appreciated.

Told me later that it's "my job" to get her a tablecloth for the table at the expo.

I... feel so fucking underappreciated. So... much like a fucking tool.

Drained... Like... USED.

Just being used.

Hardly any real affection between us.

Just as she was about to leave my place, she asked what was wrong. I didn't want to bring up this shit but she got it out of me and predictably wouldn't take responsibility. It's my fault for not speaking up earlier and saying "hey I want to connect with you" like I have to verbally announce it every time I want her to be a loving girlfriend.

Which she isn't. And she's... supposedly moving in.

Agent of chaos, still.

For someone who claims to be a healer and promotes self-love and love and compassion and awareness and higher consciousness... She does a poor job of demonstrating any of that stuff with people close to her.

It's such a sham.

The great pretender.

Days like this make me want to shut the world out and not have anything to do with anyone.

I feel more distanced from my parents than I was before I met her.

I feel more disconnected from myself since I met her.

I think this is an abusive relationship.

Maybe my expectations are too high. Especially for someone like her.

Maybe there's something wrong with me.

I have to consider this... but I don't know what to say.

If I wrote a list of qualities my ideal girlfriend has, Fola wouldn't be checking most of the boxes.

That... depresses me because... Why am I still putting up with this?

Because I'm an idiot that wants to love and be loved.

I feel that... I'm...

I'm not being true to myself and what I need.

I feel like I'm being lied to.

She isn't a warm person. She is not compassionate or caring or affectionate or wise.

Sometimes she seems that way and that is when I feel happy to be with her.

But she usually isn't.

And I think that is the reason why abusive relationships last for as long as they do. Because one person keeps thinking the other will change. And those brief moments of genuine love and care for one another is eclipsed by many more moments of disrespect, lack of empathy and a lack of gratitude.

I like to think of relationships as plants that need to be watered.

This one is dry.

Fola isn't the type to be placing much importance on the value of a relationship. I really think she would rather be off fucking a smorgasbord of guys while living on her own.

She doesn't want to settle down and really be with me.

That's why she hasn't moved in yet.

And stupid me continues to believe that maybe things will change for the better.

Somehow.

Someday.

My connection with God.. the... type of connection I had before I met Fola was much more deeper than it is now. I feel... less in tune with who I am and the world around me.

Less happier.

More miserable.

And... I get these fleeting glimpses of affection every once in a while and that seems to be enough to renew my hope with.

We've stopped going to counselling because our counselor was taking a few months off.

I don't think Fola has even read either of the two books we've been recommended. Much less take the relationship seriously enough to work on.

It's the blame game. Over and over. She does something that I feel is her fault (being distant and distracted) and I get told that it is because of something that I did or neglected to say.

Really tired of this.

I don't think my mother likes her either.

I don't... think we're good together.

She isn't bringing out the best in me.

These words are terrible to write. I almost feel like a coward for doing so because...

What am I going to do about all this?

Can this be salvaged? Can it...be better in time?

Why do I hate myself so much to think that this is what I deserve?

I can feel emotions bubbling up in me right now. I also feel that I need to suppress them because letting them out is not going to make me feel any better.

It'll mean acknowledging the pain that is inside.

And I don't... feel like I want to be doing that right now.

I want to cover it all up and pretend like its not there.

That everything is fine. Even when it isn't.

I do deserve better than this.

I know I do.

But maybe... I haven't... really earned that yet. It's like asking for money that I haven't worked for.

Why am I entitled to having it? Just because?

I feel that I've spent a good part of my life chasing down the one I'm meant to be with. Initially I thought it was her.

Now, I'm not so sure.

I have to constantly hear about her business. Constantly hear about her self-improvement but don't really see the results of all this spiritual work she is doing.

And that is frustrating because I can see she does try.

Maybe...

Sighs.

Words are failing me but it seems like whenever I'm doing my own thing without regard for hers, is when she starts to pay attention.

Listen to me write. Just this spineless cowardly man who is uncertain about his future, has lost much of his confidence and complains about shit that he could fix but isn't brave enough to do so.

Gail, Fola's Shamanic teacher once talked with us and told me that I was "very forgiving" and that we both need to learn how to fight.

I don't feel we've progressed much since then.

When I pull away, Fola gets closer. When I want to get closer, she pulls away.

It doesn't make any sense.

A constant power struggle between us.

And I'm not an effective leader when I am this distracted and bogged down by drama that ultimately is meaningless.

I don't want to be involved in all of that. I want to relax. I want to know that she is trustworthy.

Last night we watched a video and she blurts out "that guy can fuck me" for no reason at all.

I still have trust issues.

That kind of remark doesn't sit well with me. Even as a joke, which she claimed it was.

Some joke.

It's these little barbs that make me not want to be with her.

And I can rationalize this relationship is a dozen different ways to make myself feel better about being in it.

But I am losing hope.

I don't want to lie anymore to myself about what I need and who I would want in my life.

But I continue to lie. To deflect. To be distracted.

No wonder I spend a lot of time playing video games.

I don't want to deal with any of this shit.

In Battlefront, I'm a soldier who fights and does an exceptional job of it.

In life, that is a different matter.

Why won't I fight?

Why can't I get what I want?

I know God is out there... This Supreme Intelligence. Aware of my thoughts and feelings and these words on the screen.

I know there is a record of all this someplace.

And I know that help is available.

Which I've asked for.

Repeatedly. Over the years.

As my blog testifies to this.

And... I can only accept the silence as a signal to be patient. A testing of faith.

Either I have faith in the external or I have faith in myself.

I don't know which of the two to stand by.

It feels like one or the other.

I'm tired of this God.

Deliver me from this evil. This temptation.

Grant me a miracle.

Maybe all it takes is... a choice.

But give me the means and optimism to be making that choice.

I can't make that decision in the state that I am in.

I need to feel good and certain about what I do.

I fear the unknown.

I need a light.

A path to go towards.

A reason for being that I don't need to feel uncertain about.

I want to honour you God.

Though life does hurt.

I still want to show you that I care and would do what is necessary to realize the means and ways I can contribute to making the world a better place.

Making myself a better person and others as well.

And... being happy about it all.

Genuinely happy.

Being of service and having that service appreciated.

I don't think it's that much to ask.

I'm tired of asking. Of hoping and begging.

I want you to step up.

And show me that you care, too.

That I am a child that you love.

And would do anything for.

So that I can return that love to you.

And feel proud about it.

That's all I want.

I believe it is your turn.