Blase

These trying times. I have all the time it the world to do something or another. Write a book. Get fit. Learn something new.

Instead, I spend my day playing mobile games, refreshing the /r/weedstocks subreddit and reading books.

I guess the books is the one thing I enjoy most. Just finished Fifth Mountain by Paulo Coelho. Fantastic. Didn't realize until the end that it was a fictional depiction of the alleged prophet Elijah, whom Christ predicted to announce his coming.

It was fascinating. Elijah gets hunted down by Baal worshippers who is basically ruled by Jezebel, the wife of Ahab, ruler of the Phoneticians.

Think I have that right. Lots of historical detail that I initially chalked up to the imagination of Paulo and was surprised at how faithful of a novel it was. Both to attention to detail, and to the themes in general.

It was about a man who denied his connection to God and to angels and visions and whatnot. As a child he would talk to entities and see things no one else could. As he grew, he suppressed his gifts until one day he no longer could. Since he went into hiding, he began to become ever more reliant upon faith and the mercy of God.

It then lead him. He was provided for and given direction. Even performed miracles.

I... wish I had the courage to be able to ask for the same. To experience it. And... I did... at certain points in my life. I don't know if the directions and feelings I was given served myself at all, but it seemed to have an effect on others.

And... Left it's mark on my soul. Unsure of whether or not to trust these incidents where I feel strangely compelled to do odd things.

I don't know. Fola is coming by soon and...

I don't know.

Girl causes me a lot of grief, thats for sure.

I'm really struggling over why I am with her. For sex? Is that really it? Physical intimacy? Not wanting to feel alone and unloved?

Fear?

And... I can't... live with her for the rest of my life when she drives me bananas more times than in my entire life. So much drama. So much selfishness and lack of awareness on her part.

So much... not caring... Not really proving herself. Not adding much value to my life.

Not wanting to, either.

I'm reminded of that time when she asked if she could get me anything after leaving work and coming to my place. Since she was right by Tony's pizza, I asked for that. She said no. Not because of any other reason except that it was inconvenient. And this was at a time when she needed to make up for something she did a few days earlier.

... I'm tired.. and I find it a chore to be with her.

Sometimes its worth it and usually it isn't.

I don't like it when I admit this as fact. Can't be proud of her because I don't respect how she applies her intelligence. She just sold her home and is likely to be irresponsible with the money she gets from it.

Just like last year with her pension.

Well... Is it not that I'm supposed to learn something from all this?

Yesterday I saw her as a test. The darkness of her.... against my light.

Right now.. the darkness is winning.

And like Elijah... I demand answers.

In some obvious way.

Some reason for all this. Some...

Something.

Direction.

Love her no matter what?

It sounds almost ridiculous. But perhaps this is what it is.

She has stretched me to the breaking point so many times that I don't know what I stand for anymore.

Almost.

I do know that there are certain things that I will not compromise on.

I must try.

And keep my head held up high.

As I wait.

For my God to guide me.

Realizing the Darkness

I had a sudden thought as I loaded up my blog and saw in passing, the titles I have been using.

They're all so bleak and dark. They're...

Symptoms of depression and sadness.

They are. Sometimes of self-awareness and used ironically, but... they are dark. There's no getting around that.

And... I have to ask myself... Why is that? Why am I so sad and scared and... ignorant of my duty and purpose in life? Why am I suffering so much anguish and uncertainty and longing and regret?

What does that say about the way I see the world?

And the place I must seek for myself within it?

The happy life that I am hoping to have seems like... this... vague and difficult to fathom illusion that I have crafted for myself. These musings... these thoughts that I am posting on the blog are so deeply personal that I feel ashamed for having written them. It's like... This is all I have of myself to offer. This man that I've become... stitched together by dreams and ignorance.

That this is all I have of value to give.

I know it's not for me to work as an insulator. I know it's not... the best that I can do.

And a part of me is raging to accept that maybe... maybe it's true. Maybe this is all I can ever hope to achieve.

And that is fucking sad to admit. That... I'm fated to be confined to this particular area of expertise, in which I don't even have the best level of expertise and there's no way out of it for me.

That's fucking sad, too.

I'm not even good at what I'm trained at. What I can make the most money in doing.

That insulating is the most money I can ever hope to make.

That's...

...Not true... Should not be true even if it is.

Why? Because I have faith. I believe that there is a benevolent force out there in the universe which is responsible for our creation and way of being.

I have faith that God does exist, and we give Him many names.

We all must freely admit to a belief in something. Every one of us comes to a level of self-questioning where we seriously ruminate upon answers to the difficult problems of our existence.

Why are we here and where are we going?

What IS our reason for being here? Where can faith take us, should we profess to hold a genuine respect towards the machinations that magically guide our path through the world?

Each and every single day. Why CAN'T a loving and powerful force exist that actively works upon our lives, imparting the important lessons we need to know and the love that we need to feel and believe in? A love that can never die. Whether it is a love for life, for family or for the wondrous ways in which we appreciate the ingenuity and complexity of the world we live in and the many forms of intelligence that inhabits it.

The awe that arises from truly considering ourselves and our environment; is by itself, proof that such a great and genuine love exists out there in the universe and is aware of and interacts with us on a daily basis.

We see such magnificence no matter how jaded we may sometimes be, when gazing upon the mundane which once thrilled and commanded our senses. A simple tree in the middle of a forest is truly an amazing sight to behold, when considered deeply and up close.

The details are astounding. Intuitively, I feel that such complexity cannot possibly arise in nature without a clear and aware intelligence at the helm of the ship. I can't believe that we are byproducts of "random" mutations over many millennia and are biological beings designed to do nothing other than to mindlessly survive as best as possible to whatever harshness the conditions of the environment manages to produce.

If money is a means for genes to survive, then certainly we will adapt generationally to favourably select for successful genes that may include traits as skillfull or more, than the traits already inherited and passed on.

We can't just be "trial and error" in this world. We can't. Not because I am crossing my fingers hoping to believe this, but it's scientifically as well as ideologically proven.

Viktor Frankl is my go-to guy on this point. He survived these incredible odds in a Nazi concentration camp to go on and discover a happy ending to an otherwise miserable life that could easily have ended prematurely and without evident purpose or meaning for having.

That's proof to me, there.

And... There are others that seem to be rewarded for their faith. I honestly don't know of many in person, but they surely must exist out there. Happy families with happy children leading happy and faith-fueled lives of prosperity and optimism for the future.

Although the fear the world has been threatening us with, continues to remain. Even after so many decades of it. Perhaps, centuries, even, where we feared an apocalypse. A judgement.

The end of the world.

The devil now manifests himself in several different forms throughout our civilization Perhaps he is a face of evil that you are quite familiar with seeing. Politicians by themselves raise public concern over the sincerity of their promises and intentions. We don't know if the fight is being won, once they get elected. Are they making the world better because they achieve positions of influence enough to follow through on their good intentions? Are they fulfilling the wishes of the voters who they are representing?

Are they honest? Authentic? Is it still possible to hold office without either of these qualities coming under scrutiny and eventual collapse? Can we believe that idealism is being rewarded? Is change being implemented?

Can we trust people anymore? Can we trust humanity?

To me, this is the question that rules our everyday lives.

We answer that same question multiple times over the course of a day.

We don't consciously have to think about the answer. We become an example of that answer. We embody and express it. We show our true allegiance publicly whether people believe us or not.

Everyone knows who is fighting the good fight. And who is siding with whom.

This is... good versus evil. This is a test.

My life and everyone else's.

Is there a benevolent and loving God or force out there that adores and guides his creation?

Or is there nothing out there. Nothing that "cares" if we live or die, or if we do our best to follow "rules" that have been set by our ancestors in which we treat with sacred reverence?

Will the subjects be rewarded?

For those of us who truly believe, the answer has to be yes. Reward, whether it is of physical or spiritual value; it must come. It has to arrive, based on our intentional willingness and effort to want to make the most of the life we have been given and to treat others with respect and kindness.

Reward can come in so many ways for the faith that we choose to nurture and uphold.

It would be a terrible sadness if meaning could not exist. If a loving Creator-figure designed us and the world for no other purpose than detached amusement. If even such power could hold interest long enough to consider and be held attentive by our actions.

It sounds cynical when I write it like this, and I admit that I do have my grave doubts at times.

My faith isn't perfect. But, it's there. It's been there for a long time with me now.

Many years. Many heartaches. Many tests.

And now faced with the biggest test of all.

So far.

I have to step towards a bright and optimistic future for myself. I have to believe that is possible and achievable and that I am on track to having it.

Everyone needs to believe that things are good. That progress is happening in a speedy and satisfactory manner.

Anyways...

I'm tired... There was so much to write about in the past few days, that I don't think I can cover it all or do it justice in the re-telling. I mean... I seem to be writing so much less these days that... I'm somewhat having a crisis of faith in the one thing that I am supposed to be good at.

Writing.

And... I am puzzled by... this word. Writer. It describes someone who is able to utilize the written word in an effective and compelling manner.

With proper punctuation and grammar and respect for the craft.

Just this word, "writer", makes me wonder what it is supposed to indicate in terms of professional and private success. Just because someone is a "writer", doesn't mean they are any better than the rest of us. Any more noble or special or valuable. We all have our expertise and passions. That's the blessing we each were given to make lifelong use of.

And these are blessings. Even in such tragedy and sadness and uncertainty, these tests are blessings to see if you stand by the beliefs you claim to have. Atheist or dogmatic, neither matters nor is immune to tests of resilience and self-worth, among others.

And to faith...

I'm tired... I know what Fola is...

I know she's testing me.

And I can't fail this.

Though I keep thinking that she has, and she doesn't really care about the results.

I'm honestly tired... It's late at night and I had... such a distracted day. Didn't get to accomplish much. Hated myself for it throughout the evening. Just felt so... ignorant... so... scared and confused and angry about myself.... almost like accepting abuse with a smile.

I'm exhausted.

Good night blog.

Love you.

The Weight of Burdens

Been thinking about her for the past hour while on weed. Got the phone turned off and told her earlier that I was wanting to be alone tonight, to recuperate from feelings of depletion and demoralization.

That's all true, and... it sucks when my girlfriend. The apparent twin-flame of my life; my one and only, is... taking me for granted and showing constant disrespect whenever we hang out together.

It sucks. That's not love, is it? Why can't I call it for what it is? Abuse.

Abuse.

On both of our parts, I realized.

I thought about what she wrote today, explaining and apologizing for her behavior and looking to make amends. And I remember earlier in the day, I didn't want to read her messages. I didn't. I got up out of bed at around 7:30am when I heard her leave my home through the garage door; and I ignored the message she sent me earlier. A link to a motivational video that I didn't watch.

I thought about what she wrote... and... Instead of giving her strength to work through her issues like she claims to want to do; I... expressed a restrained skepticism instead. A "I don't really believe you and whatever you are telling me" .. This expression... this tone of doubt and distrust. Of... tolerance that is barely given. Or with obvious reluctance.

I don't like it. I don't like how that is the reaction I'm having towards her.

I don't like expressing that I doubt the woman I love.

But I do.

I do doubt her.

And... that's not through... criteria that is unfair or... unreasonable. It's through some appraisals I've made in the two-plus years I've been going out with her for.

I doubt her. I doubt her words... I don't believe she is really going to do much to constrain her behavior. To work towards cultivating a harmonious relationship rather than a divisive and acrimonious one.

It's abuse... Both of us are abusing each other. Intentionally and unintentionally but mostly unintentionally. Like you see above with my own example.

We abuse each other. Over and over and over.

And... I can't tell if it's a lie that I am living or a lie that must be defeated.

Or... removed altogether from my life.

I don't know where do we fit in, exactly.

I don't... think I acted in a way that deserved her anger. I mean, is it reasonable for her to get upset if I say we should cook the carrots in the stir-fry first, before the onions? She got mad at me for suggesting that, It's not even a suggestion on my part, it's supposed to be how stir-frys are done. The hardest vegetables first. It's the logical way of doing it. Isn't it?

But... apparently this was an error on my part and she escalated her disapproval causing me to become defensive and therefore setting her on edge even further.

Until I basically said, "fuck it" and let her do what she wants because this kind of shit isn't worth escalating and having a fight about.

She's so goddamned immature at times. Really, a complete child.

A child with a child... God, is it ironic and sad. You would think that by becoming a mother, she would also blossom into becoming a better human being. Less selfish. More self-aware. More compassionate. Sensitive. Forgiving. Gentle. Patient.

More wanting good things from life. More optimistic and in love with being a parent. To raise a child of their own flesh and blood. To bring new life into this world and to help it become the best human being it can be.

But... maybe... she's not wanting any of that. Maybe there is... this deep resentment towards having a daughter and now being a single mom.

Maybe she is channeling all that anger at herself and... explode, on occasion as a way of releasing it?

That makes sense. If... my hypothesis is correct.

But... Even if it is, I don't think it matters. I don't think... she lacks the self-control to keep herself from behaving the way she does. That's what matters. Having self-control no mater what shitty circumstances you may be in. No matter how much a job sucks or how difficult and demanding being a parent is. Even when everything goes to shit, self-control should be maintained and deployed when its need is recognized.

If she doesn't have self-control... then.. but.. saying this doesn't make much sense. She IS abiding by a technique that helps with self-control. Meditation. She does it almost every single day.

And still, she lacks self-control and awareness.

She still gets angry and irritated and distant and manipulative.

Without making up for the many times she's hurt me.

Just lets it all slide. As she repeatedly tells me, "I don't need to earn your forgiveness".

And continues to do all this. Having these irrational mood swings.

Can't keep herself in check.

Has to mutter jokes like: "We should stop talking to each other for three weeks and see what happens" where she smiles sarcastically as she says it.

Like, she's twisting a knife into my soul.

And getting pleasure from it.

Enjoys my angry and negative reaction,

So... my thing for the longest while... my strategy to deal with all this, is to...

Not give her the reaction she expects.

Obviously, I've not completely mastered that approach yet. Still working at catching myself from getting upset with her. Its hard, but there's been progress since I've started.

There are times when I truly feel like I've forgave her for much more than she rightfully deserves to be forgiven for.

She hasn't done much to earn forgiveness. And she gets offended whenever I bring this up. Bring up past moments where I've forgiven her for long enough to see if she plans on making up for it. But she doesn't make up for it. She doesn't care to make up for anything she's done to hurt me.

No matter how obvious such hurts are. No matter how deep the wounds, she will distance herself from them and prefer to never bring up their occurrence again.

And yet, the wounds continue to bleed. Scabbing into resentment. Always ready to be re-opened once another situation causes hurt and anger. These scabs become like arrows. Weapons that are used against her whenever I feel wronged or disrespected and taken for granted.

Just... Got this arsenal in my mind full of memories ready to be pulled out and set into battle. This little army of examples stomping around, waiting for their chance to draw blood.

I hate it.

It's abuse.

And... It's important that I consider all this. To really try to do my part to understand what my responsibility is. What I truly am doing incorrectly to cause such strife and conflict in a relationship that I've been trying my best to grow and preserve.

I'm failing, I guess. Whatever I'm doing around Fola just isn't working. Being more forgiving didn't work. Being more vulnerable hasn't done a thing for me either. Being pissed off at her DOES seem to produce results, but usually not for long. And she often finds a way to let herself off the hook for my reaction by pulling out some nonsensical excuse and really not giving a fuck about.

At this point, I have to wonder why I am still with her.

Do I really think this is the best woman for me? The one I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with? Into old age?

Can I trust her to take care of me when I'm old? Do I believe she would be willing to do so?

I don't think I do.

Not from what I've been seeing so far.

The way she is around Ivy. The way she is around me. Her friends. Family. I don't see the qualities of a compassionate and loving human being. I don't feel comfortable or secure in what she's expressed of those qualities so far.

She has her moments of tenderness and being reasonable, fair and willing to surrender control; but those can be quite rare at times to see. And they rarely are maintained for a convincing enough duration of time before the next angry outburst or issue comes up.

I mentioned the stir-fry example earlier and the joke about not talking to each other for weeks. Those are only two examples of a few others that I haven't brought up in this post.

I don't need to. My mind doesn't need to be occupied with holding these examples in memory.

Though sometimes these examples manage to occupy my mind nonetheless. That... sense of resentment... the bleeding of a wound that cannot be so easily ignored or forgotten.

Wounds that she's helped caused and exacerbated.

Again... questions in my mind....

Why do I continue to put up with this?

Is this truly what I deserve? Someone like her? Is she... my counterpart? Is she the woman that best complements and adds value to my life? Out of all the ones I've dated and been with?

Is she the best I can do?

What I deserve?

The person I'm fated to be with? To possibly have a child by?

To someday live with?

As common-law?

Possibly marriage?

I don't know, blog. It scares me sometimes to imagine these scenarios.

But, I force myself to. I have to look into the dark and see if I find any light.

And if I don't find it, I force myself to walk towards it with as little fear as possible.

And with as much faith as I can muster.

Just to see if this is... truly the one I am meant to be with.

My queen.

And... to see if I can... if I am worthy of being called her king.

I'll be honest, I don't much feel like a king around her. Sometimes I do, but not lately. More frequently not.

I just don't care enough to impress her sometimes. I don't care enough to try to put effort in when it is obvious that she isn't putting effort in either.

So why am I bothering? Am I really that afraid of being single again? Of letting her go?

And moving on?

Parts of me say yes. I am that fearful. Other parts are telling me to hold on, that there's still something here. Something important. Or that there is something important that needs to be completed before I move onto a new chapter of my life.

I don't know what the answer is.

The choice to make is not an obvious one. And if this is truly the woman I love and feel most loved by, that choice shouldn't even exist. It would be beyond obvious.

There would only be ONE choice to make.

Love her until the end of time.

That's the choice I want to make.

But... it's not there for me.

She does not make it a clear and obvious choice.

She... constantly blurs my decision. My vision of the future is confusing and blank whenever I consider her as a permanent part of my day-to-day life.

Can I raise a child with her? Can we manage a house together? Start a business? Help and support one another in all the ways we need it? Reliably and honestly and with the best of intentions for both? The mutual desire for peace and harmony?

We can't even agree on the order that food gets cooked in a stir-fry without it turning into a fight. Let alone deciding what house to live in. What business to start. How to raise our child. Where to go and what to do. How finances will be managed.

She is not good at conflict resolution. Maybe neither am I, because I feel like I'm saying the same thing a thousand different ways and she still doesn't seem to get it. She still isn't able to put herself in my shoes. Or to respect my views.

I guess I don't respect hers, either. They're not logically arrived at. She barely can defend any of her arguments. And... she has this inflated sense of pride... like, she is too smart and sure of herself to be bothered with engaging in a discussion to really figure out the pros and cons.

I don't know... sometimes the things I say she's in agreement with.. She sometimes agrees with me long after the first fight where she didn't agree with me. Where she said she didn't want to get married again, but then later says that option is on the table before again going back to not wanting to be married again. Views and values that change according to the seasons, is not the mark of integrity in one's character.

And at what point while living together will she get completely bored and try even less than she is now? Making less of an effort to keep us connected and feeling loved and appreciated?

Can I trust her? No. She demonstrated to me enough times that her word is not meant to be taken seriously. That the things she says and believes in all have this permanent asterisk next to them, warning of the recipient to read the "fine print" before accepting what the person is saying.*

*warning: product is not to be taken seriously. harmful side effects may occur.

This kind of thinking does scare me.

I thought that she might be bipolar. I'm not sure but sometimes she really fits the criteria. These mood swings can be extreme. I was overnight at her house for the first time on Friday night to Saturday morning and it was a great time. She was loving and respectful and we had sex. Breakfast was amazing. Ivy said she loved me as I was leaving.

Those were perfect times. Friday to Saturday.

But not Sunday to Monday night.

She was a completely different human being then.

Gone was the affection. Attention. Getting physical and wanting intimacy. Sexually and emotionally and spiritually.

In it's place was a spiteful, hateful and... ignorant human being.

It... she had a mood swing.

No explanation or reason.

None that I can think of. Unless I did something that was obvious to her and not me, but she didn't mention anything like that as a reason for her mood change.

I don't.. get it.

Not sure how to end this post. I can't pay attention to First Man which is playing on the screen. Ryan Gosling brings an interesting dimension to his depiction of Neil Armstrong. I don't want to miss any part of this movie.

So... that's that.

I don't know what to do.

Just...

Keep my head above water.

Try not to drown.

And have faith.

As I do.