Death Rattle

We're almost done. Fola and I.

About a month ago (which I may have blogged about), she made a joke to people at her Christmas party about giving her number to a doctor when the conversation turned to a single doctor bachelor that people there knew.

I was understandably upset about her saying that. Right when I was sitting next to her. She claims not to remember making this joke afterwards. We had a fight where I explained to her how I felt about it.

Fast forward a month later and I am at Sade's house for dinner. Fola held her phone near me and I noticed a Facebook icon with a 4 on the bubble. It was a picture of a husky dog, so I jokingly asked if she was talking to a dog online.

"No!" she responds. "It's a doctor."

"What doctor?"

"The doctor! The psychiatrist! Don't worry about it!"

"Yes David, don't worry about it." Said Sade.

I was pissed. Not even a month went by and here she is, talking to some doctor online that she doesn't want to tell me the details about. Just "don't worry about it".

Since dinner was concluded, I decided to take Sadie (the dog I'm fostering) out for a walk and to have a smoke. I was angry and needed to cool off and get my wits about me.

As I'm leaving, Fola asks if I'm coming back so we can "talk about it".

About what? Her messaging a doctor? Still no details. No reassurance. No reason for me to not continue being angry and upset, letting my imagination run wild and remembering what happened the month before at the party.

She didn't text or call me when I left for that walk. Didn't care to make me feel any better.

When I returned, I sat on the couch waiting for her to put her daughter to bed. She then said that we can go out and talk about it in my car. So we did.

"I have nothing to hide" she says, handing over her phone for me to look at the conversation.

You know what blog? I'm a dumbass. And so is she.

The conversation "started" because Fola put up a book for sale about polyamory. Then, this doctor who she already had on Facebook, messaged her asking about it.

He did more than ask about the book, he asked her about polyamory and open relationships. This guy is married by the way, and Fola admitted to me that he has hit on her in the past. Some Nigerian guy that she claims not to be attracted towards.

What happens in the conversation? She continues to feed him long detailed responses about her personal and sex life. Eventually telling him where she works and that they should meet for coffee.

I'm tired, blog. I can't even muster up the necessary anger to really communicate how I was feeling as I looked at this conversation. The guy CLEARLY was looking for something on the side and she encouraged him all the way by having this "platonic" conversation about her views on sex and relationships.

She tried to tell me that she wanted to keep a "professional relationship" going with this guy, but that is such obviously bullshit. Who engages in a conversation like that? I thought for a second that she couldn't see how he was hitting on her, but no, she admitted that she knew he was, and allowed him to do it anyways.

All the while trying to play it off like she did nothing wrong.

Stringing him along as she has done with me.

I've had enough.

I don't even feel like typing what happened afterwards. Silent treatment right now and... I've accepted that I can no longer trust her.

If I can't trust her, then there's no point to this relationship. Took me a long time to finally reach this conclusion.

A few months ago, her friend Ryan ...

Fuck it. FUCK IT.

Not going to bother explaining.

Not going to keep... bringing up negativity that she caused.

Not going to point out all the reasons and examples of why I can't trust her. I KNOW I can't, and that doesn't mean I'm obligated to explain any of it.

I wrote a long text to her yesterday but decided not to send it. Actually, I put it on a timer for a year from now, so she will get it then.

By that time, I would be very surprised if we are still together.

My reasoning for not sending her this message is because I'm tired of talking to a child.

She doesn't think she needs to earn my trust. Always reminds me that she has nothing to prove to me.

Always says that there is no "right or wrong" and argues against me without backing up her words with good reasons.

Just argues for the sake of arguing. Even her sister pointed this out when I was over. She doesn't want to accept responsibility for her mistakes. And SHE KNEW what this guy was after, but continued the conversation and strung him along.

Strung me along too. For two years.

I've had enough.

So... I reactivated my profile on OkCupid yesterday. Put it as "looking for friends" because I reason that if she can engage in sexual conversations with predators and then go out for coffee with them, so can I.

She's set this precedent. She's made her bed and now she is going to lay in it.

I don't give a fuck about her anymore. I don't think there's a shred of affection or respect left for her.

I told her that I'm almost hoping she will cheat on me so I can end this sorry relationship with my head held high.

In the meantime, I'm not going to show her any respect or affection. See how far that'll take us. She doesn't want to earn my trust or prove her worth, neither shall I. It'll disintegrate, eventually.

Well.

This is how it has to be.

And what I described was only one thing in a long line of small betrayals and rejections and shows of disrespect. Within weeks, actually.

Tired of it.

I'm done and she's arrived at my house.

Karma

So.. it has been a while since I last posted, or felt that way and I have a lot to talk about and share that has happened in my absence.

I feel strange for thinking this, but the thought that had me come to the blog was in my inner-dialogue that was taking place around this new dog I'm fostering.

I'm trying to get it to sleep in the crate without whining. It's a 3 month old puppy. Very pretty dog named Sadie.

And very needy as well. I can't go to the washroom and close the door for more than a few minutes before she starts to whine and paw at the door, making noises trying to get in.

It's ridiculous.

So tonight Fola is likely to come sleep over, which means I have to try and get this puppy sleeping in the crate for at least a few hours if I plan on sleeping upstairs on the bed.

Or I could let the puppy out and close the bedroom door instead. See if that would be any better.

But, I doubt it. That dog is really scared of being left alone.

She came from a family of 5 kids (under 6 years old) and 2 other dogs. So, I can imagine the racket and noise and constant activity and socialization going on as she lived there. She's not used to being inside of a quiet home, one in which I often go for hours without saying a word and not doing anything particularly interesting other than watching movies and mundane chores.

She doesn't much like playing with her toys, either. Doesn't care to go outside as much like Rosie did. Doesn't really play very much at all or effectively burns off energy.

Going back to what I first said about the epiphany that brought me here was this:

I was looking up how to crate train a puppy to see if I was doing the right things. I was. I knew not to respond quickly whenever the puppy got agitated. I knew to make her feel safe and secure if I planned to leave for more than a few minutes. I had this thought that I was doing absolutely the right and only thing I can do. To be patient and considerate of this animal's feelings and needs.

Then it struck me in a funny little way. The way I had been handling Sadie's training, is very much the same way I should be handling Fola's training.

It's such a hilariously strange thought. I should have the same mentality for Sadie as well as my girlfriend. They both needed to be trained in the same way.

They both need to feel safe and secure. Left alone for long periods at a time. Able to handle being alone and to know that there is no reason to be afraid of it.

And, yes... This was an important thought for me to have as I'm again having problems with Fola.

She's in this Shamanism course right now and for most of the weekend. Not sure exactly what she is doing there, but if past experience was anything to go by, I shouldn't expect her to be in the best of moods in the time leading up to this event.

She changes, somehow. Not even while at the course, but days earlier, like it has been with us this week.

She changes.... Becomes this... fearful girl, and unknowingly sparks confrontation and unpleasant feelings between us, which then riles me up and I get into my... shell, I suppose, my armor and not allow for her arrows to penetrate me.

That's quite an insight I must say.

Of course it helps that I am a bit stoned right now. Thoughts like these don't usually arrive over the course of a day being sober.

Sometimes it takes a while to really formulate a thought like this before it can be presented. There are steps leading to revelations. It doesn't magically and explosively just suddenly appear without warning.

It may look that way sometimes, but in my case, I see how having this dog was necessary for the thought to form itself. Without Sadie, I wouldn't be having this thought at all and would not have made the mental connection that is needed.

It's... strange... I'm reading a writer on Medium who truly believes mankind is on the path to extinction. Oddly enough, it's not exactly depressing material she delivers. Quite the opposite. She is an advocate for free speech and truth, and is working to expose the propaganda machine that we are collectively working under the spell of.

It's the lies we are told by the news, by governments, that have us go about our lives oblivious to the slavery that we are ostensibly a part of. Willingly or not. We are here to appease the banks. For our mortgage. For our line of credit. For our wanting to purchase a home or a place to live. And to find a well paying means of living in order to feed each of our desires by transacting with money, each step of the way. Money to survive, money to have fun and money to retire off of.

It's scary to think that is actually what's happening. And we allow for the lie to continue.

Or do we?

I think people are waking up more. We're more aware of the strings that are attached to each politician that is elected outside of the heartache and dreams of the poor and the rapidly-vanishing middle class.

We start to see the lies for ourselves. We begin to understand our ability to affect the impact that propaganda has upon us. We ignore the lies and look to find the truth. We all know that this is a corrupt system so therefore, it is our responsibility to do our part in correcting it in the ways of which we are capable of.

Every human being in our country, our nations and in all the cities and towns around the world; know that we have been lied towards, and that each of us has turned a blind eye and perpetuated the illusion that we have unconsciously and consciously accepted as real.

There is a veil over us. A veil that says it is okay to go to war, to fight and kill and murder and manipulate. We are told to believe that we must police other countries and nations in order that we should have peace.

We are told that vigilance is needed when confronted by the possibility of an invasion or an event of mass destruction like 9/11.

We're told that this is why our military budget needs to be so high. To prevent Oklahoma city bombings, the incident in Boston, the one in the nightclub in Florida involving a gay man.

And yet, these incidents all happen anyways. No matter how high are military budgets are.

Kim Jong Un has been threatening America with nukes for over a decade now. What good is our military budget if we are already able to sufficiently defend ourselves due to the technology we now have? Why deploy any troops for reasons other than national emergency, elsewhere?

Why do we have to police the world? To make sure everyone is under our thumb?

And to advance the agenda of one country in the entire world?

It's a sobering and scary thought that this is the spell in which we live under.

It's a delusion.

But, there is also that uncertainty. Maybe we are wrong. Maybe the world is really doing the best it can. Maybe our leaders and staff really do have our best interests at heart?

Maybe we are being lied to because the truth would be far too much to bear?

I don't know.

I do know that telling the truth is important. It is one of the few things that matter in life. When one lives deceitfully, trust is sabotaged in others and a well-lived life can only be happy when it mimics what a happy life should look like. It is a fake feeling to think that one can be deceitful in business and politics, and still be at peace within themselves.

I am sure that politics is a nightmare for the many that are involved in it. Perhaps the courage comes with either succumbing to the corruption, or truly having faith in the well-being of others and acting with responsibility towards them.

So... That was quite the ramble...

What else is there to update about?

Yeah.. stocks... I'm finally making back the loss of what I put into Trulieve. I believe it is at around $14.55 a share right now and my average is at 17, I think. Perhaps slightly higher.

Aphria, though... that stock gives me a heart attack. I'm down nearly 50% still on that one.

And the rest of the stocks I own.. well, except for SOL, doesn't have much to write home about. They're down too. I don't think there's any green on my portfolio other than a few bucks on CWEB in which I didn't have many shares of anyways.

And my mom continues to give me money that I feel... obligated to take each times she offers it. I remember the fights we used to have over my not wanting her money or her food. She is insistent that I take it no mater what.

Such a stubborn woman.

And... I love her. I OWE her. And... it troubles my soul not knowing how to do this for her.

To give her golden years a beauty that she deserves to have.

To not have to work anymore, and to live without debt. Able to enjoy vacations whenever and wherever she would like.

I really want my mom to have a retirement like that.

But, she hasn't saved anything for it. There is no RRSP worth living off of. She hasn't been paid a pension from work.

And... there's some concerns over another issue that I don't feel comfortable disclosing.

...

Quite a few... thoughts to consider...

And I think I've given them enough consideration over the months I've been unemployed. But, I could be wrong. Perhaps more is needed.

I am trying with seriousness to figure out what to do. In case I don't get back into insulating.

It's not pleasant to always come up with few if any ideas on what to do.

I live in blind fear of it each time another day passes with little to show for it.

Not doing a whole lot of writing, and even the writing I'm doing is not going to earn me money anytime soon.

And I don't really expect it to, either.

Fola thinks our destinies are entwined. That mental health and spirituality are the fields in which she and I will be playing a large role in.

I can kind of see that, but I don't really know what it should exactly look like. Like, my actual job.

Do I have to go back to school again?

Or... can I make a difference with what I have and know already?

Can I... do something altogether different than insulating?

Would I be equipped for that new kind of world? Another job where I am working for someone and having to please them?

...

I don't know if I like that kind of world.

And... what would the solution truly be? Starting my own business? But doing what?

What could I be good at enough to charge people money for?

Mentorship?

Teaching?

Blog entries?

Stories?

I don't know yet what the answer really is. I know a lot about things that don't seem to lend themselves well to a functional job or career.

I can't say that I am a fantastic writer. I try and be an honest one and aim for as much precision as I can give my writing. Putting as much emotional depth into them as I can, even if I occasionally get side-tracked and go on a tangent.

Like now, it feels.

Sighs. The dog is out of the crate, but as soon as she falls asleep near me again, I'm going to have to put her back in there. Continue the training. Continue being patient.

And I'll have to remember doing the same for Fola.

To be patient.

And rule with a gentle fist.

To live in service of truth, love, justice and beauty.

The only service worth finding peace in executing.

To serve others in the way that I best can.

In service of something much greater than myself.

For better or worse.

Vapid

It's a perversion. A desecration of everything I've wanted in a relationship.

And I am now willing to acknowledge it.

Got this message in the morning from Fola. She asked what my plans were and if we could meet up later. Told her I was taking bottles back as part of my errands to which she says, "that doesn't sound exciting".

It's not supposed to sound exciting.

Then she mentions her plans, which is that Alyssa and Derek is coming over for dinner but she didn't know what time.

Okay... So...? That's it. Didn't suggest for us to meet anywhere.

She says it again. Alyssa and Derek are coming over at 6. Like she confirmed it a minute after sending me the other text.

So, is she inviting me over for dinner?

No. She wasn't. I asked and she said she would have to check if it's okay first.

...

And without saying it wasn't, she goes on to tell me how her mom and sister are being assholes.

I ask her why.

"I don't feel like talking about it."

I respond with, "ok" and wasn't going to ask why she even mentioned the dinner twice to me if I wasn't going to be invited. She won't tell me why her sister and her mom are being assholes.

So she left it all up to my imagination to figure out.

Wonderful.

Didn't... bother texting with anything else. Who is Derek? What is her mom and her sister saying?

Why is she...

Fuck, man...

Can't have a girlfriend that will tell me the honest truth. To stick up for me. To tell me that she's stuck up for me.

Won't give me any of those details. Just leaves it for me to figure out and accept.

Later she texts me about how she had a nap and is feeling better and that she is healing through something.

I tell her that I'm healing from something too. Described how I was...

Fucking hell, man...

Look at the way I'm typing right now.

I'm not in a good place in this relationship. Okay, her family doesn't accept me. Despite my wanting to connect with them. Despite the good will I've brought to the table with being polite and interested and open and caring about how I'm presenting myself.

Despite the gifts I'd gotten them.

Despite the obvious attempt on my part to reach out and...

It doesn't matter.

Why would her mom accept me? Why would her sister?

Thankfully, Ivy seems to like me.

I've decided to stop giving a fuck. Disappointment after disappointment and my girlfriend isn't making me feel any better. Doesn't know HOW to make me feel better. Doesn't say what I need to hear. Doesn't acknowledge what I may be going through in feeling all this.

All she said was "understandable..." to what I last wrote her. ONE WORD. And then goes on about her own things. How she sold a wedding dress and that she was upset because her family...

Man... it doesn't even matter.

She's selfish. Self-absorbed. Without empathy.

Without... warmth.

Intelligence. Awareness...

Just... entitled...

Oblivious...

Spoiled.

For no reason. And she...

Fuck... is this ever a weird movie I'm watching. "Sorry to Bother You" is the name of it. Right now there's this scene of some weird horse-man writhing on the floor.

Dark fucking movie. I see... parallels... I understand the metaphors and the caricatures.

Depressing as hell. Dark as fuck.

And so... so much a mirror... a highly exaggerated one, but a mirror of the way the world can appear.

And our individual search for happiness and meaning.

Equating it with money.

But having to trade off our identities. Our sense of self and integrity. To do so.

Feels like... The odds are against us. No matter how hard we try and stay true to ourselves.

The odds are against us.

And... more than ever we need faith. We need to...

Come together.

And take a stand.

Against all this bullshit...

Patreon and Jordan Peterson and Dave Rubin.. watched the video earlier of Rubin's Q&A regarding why he's leaving.

I believe in that.

I believe we should... stand in our truth.

If the world is shit, we should accept it.

But... not compromise how we feel about it.

And not... contributing to a further deterioration of it all by promoting negativity.

We keep that hate and pain to ourselves. Reserving it to share for those whom we feel trust in and loved by.

The ones that have our backs.

Got nothing else to say, blog. Just... Going to accept that this is how things are.

And... I can find peace in that somehow. Despite all that I am going through and am burdened with.

Despite it all.

I can lean onto my faith, or I can give into the darkness.

The choice is clear.

... This movie is pitiful...

"you're going to have a horse cock"

...says the CEO in the film to the main character. Offering him a hundred million dollars to give up his humanity.

I think.. the message of this film is clear.

We're slaves to money.

And we are at the point where it doesn't matter what we stand for if it means getting rich.

Fucking sad...

Fucking sad.

The movie is absurd and true all at once.

Just... I hope it has a happy ending of some kind but I doubt it will....

Now...

I'm out.

Going to...

Just be.

Just do my best to be myself.

It's all I can do.